The moment that my husband and I held our daughter in our arms for the very first time was a moment that changed us to the very core. Not only was a sweet baby girl born that day, but a mother and father were born as well.
When you become a parent, you realize that forevermore someone else’s well-being is far more important than your own. You realize that as a parent you are going to give more than even seems possible… but also that you are going to experience more joy than you ever imagined.
Here at the Healthy Humans Project, we are passionate about empowering parents and equipping them with tools to help their children thrive. Research is clear that the better parents understand child development, the more likely they are to engage in positive parenting practices that will help their children thrive emotionally, physically, socially, and cognitively.
Past research has demonstrated that “children who [have] parents who monitor their behavior, [are] consistent with rules and [are] warm and affectionate, [are] more likely to have close relationships with their peers, be more engaged in school, and have better self-esteem.” (2009) Furthermore, children who experience positive parenting are more likely to in turn practice positive parenting and general relationship skills as they go on to have their own families. (Kerr, 2009) Although our children will each make their own choices, as parents we play a crucial role in providing our children with an environment where they can experience optimal development. And our choice to be intentional about the way we parent our children has the potential to affect generations to come.
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Not only does our ability to parent affect our children and who they will choose to become, it also has the power to mold and shape who WE are. Interacting with, and working to teach, love, and nourish our children brings more of a capacity for learning, for patience, for ingenuity, for LOVE than we ever thought possible. As we actively and intentionally working towards becoming better parents, our own personal growth and development will continue as well.
I love Rose Kennedy’s view on parenting when she said, “I looked on child rearing not only as a work of love and duty but as a profession that was fully as interesting and challenging as any honorable profession in the world and one that demanded the best that I could bring to it.” While we will certainly make mistakes along the way, each day we can resolve to bring the best we can to our parenting. As we go about this great work of shaping souls, each of us has the choice to leave negative parenting practices in the past and choose a better way to parent our children.
And so, to my little girl whose eyes I gazed into for the first time just nine short months ago, my greatest hope for you is that in our home you will be loved, seen, heard, and taught. And my greatest hope for myself is that each day I will choose to bring the best of myself to my parenting.
This week, take some time to reflect on your current parenting practices. What are you doing well? What is something you would like to improve? Write down your thoughts and any goals you may want to implement.
References
Gadsden, V. L., Ford, M., & Breiner, H. (2016). Parenting matters: supporting parents of children ages 0-8. The National Academies Press.
Kerr, D. C. R., Capaldi, D. M., Pears, K. C., & Owen, L. D. (2009). A prospective three generational study of fathers’ constructive parenting: Influences from family of origin, adolescent adjustment, and offspring temperament. Developmental Psychology, 45(5), 1257–1275. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/a0015863
Parent, J., Dale, C. F., McKee, L. G., & Sullivan, A. D. W. (2021). The longitudinal influence of caregiver dispositional mindful attention on mindful parenting, parenting practices, and youth psychopathology. Mindfulness, 12(2), 357–369. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s12671-020-01536-x
Aubrey Hartshorn is from Weiser, Idaho. She is happily married to her husband Joseph and is the proud mamma of a beautiful little girl. She recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in Family Studies. She is passionate about mindfulness, minimalism, and motherhood.
Ah, the magic of Christmas! Close your eyes and think about it. What comes to your mind? I see my family decorating the house with lights, cookie jars, Christmas figurines, and of course putting the ornaments on the tree with care. I hear myself caroling with church members in the back of a trailer as we look at the beautiful lights around the neighborhood. I can smell the cookies baking in the oven my mother is making for her annual cookie exchange. Can you almost taste the hot cocoa and egg nog? I know I can’t help but be filled with joyful nostalgia as I contemplate these wonderful memories. What makes these memories so sweet? The answer is simple: it is the rituals associated with them.
Rituals are traditions, celebrations, or any repeated behavior that helps convey your identity or personal values. Rituals bring a sort of magic that help us transcend the “here and now” to focus on what is really important. They generate warm and nostalgic memories for family members who then pass them down across multiple generations. Think back to the favorite Christmas you pictured above. Can you think of any holiday rituals in that experience? These are things like selecting a Christmas tree, performing acts of service, gift exchanges, family dinners, etc. Remember, rituals are not just regular habits or routines; they hold special meaning and tell us something about the values our families cherish. When practiced on a regular basis, we can feel and experience the magic of Christmas all year-round!
Why are rituals important?
Research shows that rituals are associated with many positive outcomes for parents and children alike. For example, children whose parents hold rituals tend to undergo earlier development than those who don’t. Teenagers, who often experience family conflict during their years of identity exploration, feel increased love and trust from parents who host regular rituals. Adolescents in families who maintain rituals also show increased identity cohesion, meaning they feel secure and confident with their identity and the way others view them. Finally, rituals are associated with increased marital satisfaction for both member of the relationship. It appears that nearly every family member can benefit from the practice of rituals.
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I believe another wonderful benefit of rituals is that they have a unique ability to transport us, as a family, to a moment frozen in time. Whatever your problems are, they can be set aside and momentarily forgotten as you participate in a tradition. Children stop bickering and parents forget about the stresses of life as they come together to repeat the family ritual. Why is this?
Dr. Martin V. Cohen, Ph.D., associate director of the Marital and Family Therapy Clinic at New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center, explained it this way:
“Children find a certain security and solace in something that gives a sense of belonging and comfort. Kids find rituals fascinating—artistically, spiritually, and emotionally.”
I think his quote applies to us all. No matter the age, we all crave the security that comes from belonging to our family members. Rituals are fascinating because they are familiar, bring out the values we hold dear, and unite siblings and parents alike in creating a beautiful memory together.
Unfortunately, many of us struggle with maintaining or adapting rituals in the midst of everyday life. These times include periods of transition (moving out of your parents’ home, getting married, having children, becoming empty nesters, etc) and stress (financial hardship, divorce, mental illness, etc). This recalibration may be difficult, but simply requires conscious thought towards prolonging and adapting your family traditions.
Creating Rituals
The beautiful thing about rituals is that they are NEVER too late to start. Regardless of the stage of life you or your family members are in, joy and family unity can be found through creating and practicing rituals. The holiday season may arguably be the easiest time to consider your family traditions and take the time to create some new ones.
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
Questions to Consider when creating rituals:
What values and beliefs do I hold?
What characteristics am I trying to obtain?
What is most important to me and why?
What traits or beliefs would I like to pass down to my children?
What activities, foods, or events do I enjoy?
What times would work best? If I feel busy, what can I sacrifice in my schedule in order to promote rituals in my family?
One easy way to create a ritual is add special meaning to an already established routine.
For example, most families have a specific order of events for putting the children to bed. During the holiday season, spruce it up with holiday cheer! Play Christmas songs while cleaning up after dinner, put red and green bath bombs in the tub for your children to enjoy, or read holiday stories before bed. Remember to include your family members in on the decision-making process of the ritual.
Long to-do list? Try to add some special meaning to one of your tasks. Involve friends and family members.
When you go to wrap the presents, involve your family members! Turn it into a game to see who can wrap the neatest present, sing carols as you work, or tell stories about your ancestors. It may add a few minutes to your to-do list, but the increased family unity and growing smiles will be worth it.
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Adapting Rituals
“Routines and rituals evolve and do not just appear in full form—they take work.”
Don’t be afraid of the work! Here are some tips to help.
Tips during times of transition/stress:
Moved away from home? If you are able to, find time to participate in rituals with your family. Skype and FaceTime are great tools for this! Find ways to bring your favorite family traditions into your current life with friends, roommates, or coworkers. You’d be surprised how much joy decorating a tiny apartment while listening to Christmas music can bring to your life, even if it only takes a fraction of the time it used to take at home with your family.
Newlywed? Openly communicate with your spouse what rituals are important to your family and why. Learn about theirs and talk about ways you can meld some of your rituals together. Make sure to come up with some new ones of your own, as well! Don’t feel like you need a large list of rituals right when you get married. Many will naturally come as you experience life together. Just make sure to consider your rituals every so often. The holidays are a great time to do so.
In the thick of parenthood? Be willing to adapt your rituals to the needs of your children. Caroling all night in the cold with a baby might not be the best idea. Carol to a neighbor or two earlier in the evening. What do your children enjoy? What will promote fun instead of bickering or ruthless competition? Remember to focus on the values you hold dear.
Financial hardship? Look for free or low-cost ways to participate during the holiday season. Your family members will probably appreciate the tradition itself regardless of the money you spend to produce it.
Stressed or dealing with mental illness? Don’t focus on completing all family rituals with perfection. Select one or two, simplify them, and focus on being present in the moment. Traditions are intended to bring you closer to family members and remind you of who you are. You can also create new rituals that center on building yourself up or mental self-care. For example, create a new tradition where you take an evening to pamper yourself and watch a Hallmark movie!
Final Thoughts
As you with your family strive throughout the entire year to hold regular rituals, you can experience the magic of Christmas no matter the month!
Take a moment to reflect on your family traditions. Are they meeting the needs of you and your family? Do they help solidify your values, beliefs, and family identity? If necessary, create a new one or adapt a current tradition to your present family circumstance.
Garcia-Rada, X., Sezer, O., & Norton, M. I. (2019). Rituals and nuptials: The emotional and relational consequences of relationship rituals. Journal of the Association for Consumer Research, 4(2), 185–197. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1086/702761
Hunter Tarry is from Gilbert, Arizona. Hunter graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development with a minor in psychology. Married for just over three years, Hunter and her husband Joseph recently became a family of three. Hunter currently cares for her son, Joseph, full-time. Her research interests include all things political, the impact of law on marriage, families, and children, aging across the lifespan and families during transitory periods. Hunter enjoys photography, volleyball, trying new restaurants with her husband, watching Jeopardy, and finding new ways to make her son laugh.
It’s no secret that test scores and grades don’t adequately convey a kid’s full intelligence. Intelligence comes in a wide variety of forms (ex. musical, logical, interpersonal, spatial, kinesthetic..etc.). An essential form of intelligence that is often overlooked is perhaps the most paramount to our child’s immediate and future success in life. I’m talking about emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand and express our emotions in healthy ways (Mayer, 2004). And as it turns out, ‘raising the smartest kid on the block’ has less to do with our children’s talents and abilities and more to do with how we as parents respond to their emotions and foster healthy expression.
Responding to Our Kid’s Emotions
Renowned psychologist John Gottman explains there are four ways in which parents typically respond to their children’s emotions. Which parental response do you most identify with? You will likely relate to each response style at different times depending on the situation, location and the age of your child. Click here to learn more about the impact each response style has on children.
1. The Dismissive Parent feels out of control and uses distraction techniques rather than addressing the emotion; sees negative emotions as their own personal failure as a parent and will do just about anything to quickly change the child’s emotion to a positive one.
Ex. “If you stop yelling you can have this piece of candy.” or “Shhhhh! Stop crying! Do you want to watch a show on Mommy’s phone?”
2. The Disapproving Parent is overly concerned with discipline and how to ‘manage’ their child’s negative emotions without being concerned as to why the child is feeling the way they do. These parents are often judgmental, critical and controlling.
Ex. “Why are you so upset? This is not a big deal! You always do this right before we have to leave!”
3. The Laissez-Faire Parent waits for the child to ‘get over it’ and ride out their emotions with no guidance as to an appropriate way to express themselves; sets no limits on behavior and is extremely permissive.
Ex. “Cry it out. You’re fine.” or “You’ll get over it [allows child to continue doing whatever they are doing].”
4. The Emotion Coach sees negative emotions as an opportunity to teach problem-solving skills and empathize with their child. They set limits on behavior and help children find appropriate ways to express their emotions.
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Becoming an Emotion Coach
It’s no surprise that the ‘emotion coach’ is the ideal response to best foster our children’s emotional IQ. If this hasn’t been modeled for you in your family of origin or doesn’t come naturally to you in moments of stress and frustration, be kind to yourself! It’s all about practice. Here are a few important steps to help you become the emotion coach your child needs.
Help child identify the emotion– It’s a valuable skill for our children to learn what emotions ‘look like’ so they can recognize it in themselves and others. Verbally explain the reasons why you can see they are feeling sad, frustrated, embarrassed…etc. Then of course, ask them to tell you about it. Even if you already know the answer, let them tell you in their own words. Ask why the child feels the way they do and then listen. Really listen.
Ex. “You look angry. I can see that your body is tense and your face is turning red. Why are you feeling angry?” or “You look kind of sad today. You’re hanging your head down and you don’t want to do any of your favorite things. Why are you feeling sad?”
Validate child’s feelings– It’s deeply important for us as adults to feel validated in our emotions and children are no different. They deserve the same compassion and understanding that we so often seek.
Ex. “I’m so sorry you feel sad. If my toy got broken I would feel really sad too.” or “I can see why this situation is so frustrating for you. How can I do things differently next time?”
Appropriate emotional expression– Accepting our children’s feelings does not mean accepting their behavior. It’s important to remind our children that just because they feel a certain way, doesn’t make it okay to.. hit, lie, yell, kick, say unkind things…etc. Help your child choose an appropriate emotional response and offer suggestions if they find it difficult. This can be a fun activity to do together! Make it a game by thinking of silly but practical ways to express themselves. Do they like yelling in their pillow or hitting the couch cushions? How about running around the house or yelling outside? Emotional expression is unique and doesn’t need to be conventional.
Ex. “I understand that you are/were angry. But yelling and hitting is not okay. How else can you show your frustration next time?” or “Something that helps me feel better when I’m frustrated is to take a few minutes to be alone or take deep breaths.” or “Have you tried dancing crazy to your favorite song? I know it sounds silly but it helps me remember that I won’t feel frustrated forever.”
Be your child’s emotional role model – The best way to help your child navigate their own emotions is to develop your own emotional intelligence! How do you respond to feelings of sadness, anger or guilt? What can you do differently today? The more comfortable you are with expressing your feelings, the more comfortable you will be as you teach your children to do the same. Utilize your mistakes as a tool to teach your children that you’re working on expressing yourself too.
Ex. “I was feeling really frustrated today but that didn’t make it okay to raise my voice. I’m so sorry. Will you forgive me?”
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Parents who choose to become an emotion coach will cultivate children with higher self-esteem, higher achievement, better impulse control and delayed gratification. Their children will get along well with others, require less disciplineand even have fewer infectious illness (Gottman, 1998). The benefits are endless! As we strive to become the emotion coach our kids need, our children will be able to better recognize and express their emotions and truly be the smartest kid on the block.
Think of a recurring situation when your child struggles to express their emotions in an appropriate way and plan how you can be a good emotional coach the next time it happens.
References
Eloranta, S. J., Kaltiala, R., Lindberg, N., Kaivosoja, M., & Peltonen, K. (2020). Validating measurement tools for mentalization, emotion regulation difficulties and identity diffusion among finnish adolescents. Nordic Psychology. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/19012276.2020.1863852
Gottman, J. & DeClaire, J. (1998). Raising an emotionally intelligent child: The heart of parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster.
Yule, K., Murphy, C., & Grych, J. (2020). Adaptive functioning in high-risk preschoolers: Caregiver practices beyond parental warmth. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 29(1), 115–127. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10826-019-01660-w
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
When my son was two and his older sisters were five and six, mornings were hectic at our house. My wife and I would busily run around making breakfast, preparing lunches, and helping children get ready for the day. Somewhere in there, we would get ourselves ready too. One morning from this time of life stands out in my memory. My son was just beginning to put multiple words together. We had already dressed him, and in the hustle and bustle of the morning, I had not noticed that he had put his shoes on and gone and sat by the door. As I went to leave and take the five year old to kindergarten, he looked up at me and said, “Me go?” He was ready and anxious to go, but he had to stay. He simply was not old enough for kindergarten, and I could not take him with me to teach classes at the university. It broke his little heart.
The ages and the contexts have changed, but similar experiences play out in our household on a daily basis. The oldest is upset that the youngest gets more help with chores than she does. The youngest is upset that he is not allowed to ride his bike around the block by himself like the oldest. Our children are different people, with different abilities and different needs, we must treat them differently. Yet, sometimes it seems that no matter what you do, you simply cannot win as a parent.
In life, we call these differences reality; our children may call it favoritism. Researchers call it parental differential treatment. Overall, research paints a bleak picture. Across childhood and adolescence, dozens of studies suggest that when we treat our children differently, that the one receiving the short end of the stick (i.e., my two year old son who could not go to school) is at risk for causing more trouble at home and school, being more depressed, receiving lower grades, and even engaging in substance use (in adolescence). Perhaps the silver lining is that children who believe that they get the better treatment tend to be less disruptive, are less depressed, do better in school, and are less likely to engage in substance use.
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The realities of life and the scientific research create a frustrating conundrum. We must treat our children differently, but in doing so we may put them at risk. So what is a parent to do? I have spent nearly the last decade of my professional life researching this question. I offer several suggestions below. Each of these is based on one or more studies and my interpretation of them. As a researcher, however, I must caution that more research is needed in this area and these findings are not universal truth.
Be aware of why differences exist
In an older but important foundational study, Kowal and Kramer (1997) found that differences in treatment might not have negative implications in some families. In particular, they found that among 11-13 year-olds, when the children saw differences in parenting as fair, then it had no impact. The children reported that differences were expected because they were different ages, one sibling simply needed more help, they were a different sex than their sibling, they had different interests, or because of disabilities.
These findings present an important idea — if our children recognize why we are treating them differently, then they may see it as fair. What does this mean as a parent? Be open with your children as to why they are treated differently. For example, our oldest recently complained that we were helping a younger sibling with a chore; help that we did not offer her. She was visibly upset by this difference. We mentioned that the younger sibling was unable to physically open the door to the closet where the vacuum was stored, and could not plug it in themselves. As we explained this to her it was as if a lightbulb went off and she said, “Oh, ok.” Then she went happily on her way. The younger the child, the harder this will be, but start young. As they develop the capacity to understand, you will already be in the habit of discussing and talking about differences in treatment.
Although we likely will not have a conversation about every difference, we need to be willing to talk about it with our children. To me, this further suggests that as parents we need to be thoughtful about those differences in treatment and be aware of why they exist. If we find ourselves treating our children differently for a particular reason that we would not want our children to know about, then maybe that particular difference is inappropriate.
Additionally, I suggest that you follow your children’s lead. When they mention differences in treatment, or seem bothered by them, that is the time for a discussion. If you are always bringing up the differences, you may create concern and stress that did not already exist.
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Beware of comparisons
The birth of our first child was an amazing time. I loved watching her grow over those first months and years. Every milestone was a new stage of life that brought new possibilities and challenges. For a long time I could tell you what percentiles her height and weight had been at many ages and how her motor and language skills compared to the average child. That same process was no less exciting with the birth of our next daughter. I discovered quickly, however, that I was prone to interpreting the second daughter’s development in the context of her older sister. I would often say things like, “She just started walking, but her older sister did it nine months earlier than her.” Or, “She already has a vocabulary of over 400 words, her older sister only knew 100 words at this age!” Those comparisons may be harmless with babies, but several recent studies of my own highlight that they may eventually matter. In two different studies, we asked parents to make comparisons about their children, and then we measured what happened over time (Jensen & McHale, 2015; Jensen, McHale, & Pond, 2018). When parents believed that a child was not as smart as the sibling, or that they were more trouble, that child did worse in school and caused more trouble over time, after controlling for previous school performance and behavior. In part, what seems to happen is that children believe that parents treat them differently because of those comparisons, whether parents actually do or not.
Like with my infant daughters, we all make these comparisons about our children. Even if we do not voice those comparisons they may have a way of shaping our daily interactions with them, and in subtle ways may be detrimental to them as individuals. So as much as you can, avoid comparisons. Recently, to help myself make fewer comparisons about my children, I have tried to use less “relative” or “comparison-” based language. For example, rather than telling my daughter that she is the best, I might say, “You’re wonderful.” In essence, I am hoping to communicate love and value without it being in reference to anyone else, including her siblings.
Combat differences in treatment by treating them differently
My oldest daughter likes to wrestle and roughhouse. If she is having a hard day, it often makes her feel a little better if I swing her around like a sack of potatoes and then throw her on the couch. I learned pretty quickly that this does not work with my second daughter. She would rather do a puzzle with me, or draw a picture together. My son would rather play firefighters or read a book. Each of my children are different from one another, with different interests and personalities.
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Another study I conducted suggests that perhaps a way to combat differences in treatment is to go ahead and treat them differently. We found than in some families, differences in treatment had little to no impact on the children (Jensen & Whiteman, 2015). In these families it seemed that the parents were involved in their children’s lives. They knew who they were and what they needed. My suggestion is that you spend one-on-one time with each child. Some of that time should be in activities you prefer, but many times it should be directed by them. Spend time doing the things they enjoy and they will know that you truly care about them and their interests. When you do this, they may not be so concerned about differences in treatment.
Conclusion
Although every day may bring new experiences with differential treatment, these suggestions have the potential to build stronger families where each child feels valued and loved for who they are, and not for who they are in comparison to a sibling, or for how they are treated differently. You will make mistakes, we all do, but keep working on it and do your best.
Make a list of each of your children’s interests. If you are having a difficult time thinking of what to write down, ask your kids! Work on implementing these interests into your interactions with your children this week.
Download this free handout for a list of questions to help you get to know your child or teen.
References
Jensen, A. C., & McHale, S. M. (2015). What makes siblings different? The development of sibling differences in academic achievement and interests. Journal of Family Psychology, 29, 469-478. doi:10.1037/fam0000090
Jensen, A. C., McHale, S. M., & Pond, A. M. (2018). Parents’ social comparisons of siblings and youth problem behavior: A moderated mediation model. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 47, 2088-2099. doi: 10.1007/s10964-018-0865-y
Jensen, A. C., & Whiteman, S. D. (2014). Parents’ differential treatment and adolescents’ delinquent behaviors: Direct and indirect effects of difference score- and perception-based measures. Journal of Family Psychology, 28, 549-559. doi:10.1037/a0036888
Kowal, A., & Kramer, L. (1997). Children’s understanding of parental differential treatment. Child Development, 68, 113 – 126. doi:10.2307/1131929
Alex Jensen is the lucky husband of Heidi and father of three. He is the youngest of six children. Alex received a bachelor’s degree from Brigham Young University and a master’s and doctorate from Purdue University (in Human Development and Family Studies). He is currently an Assistant Professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.
I recently was required to complete a training for my new job that involved an online course all about detecting and dealing with child abuse. Some of the scenarios and descriptions used to help illustrate concepts both broke my heart, and made my stomach turn – it was devastating to know that such terrible things happen to so many innocent children. Where I am from in Utah, USA, the rates for child sexual abuse are particularly high. According to Prevent Child Abuse Utah, 1 in 5 Utah children are sexually abused before age 18. The national average is closer to 1 in 10 children, although it is difficult to determine the actual number, since it is suspected that about 60% of abused children never report the abuse. As a mother, I naturally wanted to learn more about how I can protect my son from this terrible injustice, and in this post, I will share with you a few of what I thought were some of the most helpful points of the training.
You can take the full training course yourself for free here. It only takes about an hour to complete, and it is well worth your time.
Recognizing Sexual Abuse
The first thing to remember about recognizing sexual abuse is that there are two types:
Touching – “Touching a child on the private parts of their body for no appropriate reason”, OR, “Forcing a child to touch someone on their private parts”
Non-touching – Can include, but is not limited to, “Using sexually explicit language when talking to a child, taking inappropriate pictures of a child, or asking them to take an inappropriate picture of themselves and sending them via any form of technology, forcing a child to undress, an adult exposing themselves to a child, and exposing a child to sexually explicit materials.”
It is also important to remember that 90% of the time, child sexual abuse is committed by someone in a child’s circle of trust, not a stranger.
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Because sexual abuse does not always leave a visible mark, it can be difficult to recognize when a child is being exploited. However, there are some red flags that can help alert you to the fact that something may be going on. According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), here are some of the more subtle signs to watch for:
Sexual behavior that is inappropriate for the child’s age
Not wanting to be left alone with certain people or being afraid to be away from primary caregivers, especially if this is a new behavior
Tries to avoid removing clothing to change or bathe
Excessive talk about or knowledge of sexual topics
Resuming behaviors that they had grown out of, such as thumbsucking or bedwetting
Nightmares or fear of being alone at night
Excessive worry or fearfulness
If your child develops one of these behaviors, it does not necessarily mean that they are being abused. However, if you notice that something seems off, follow your instincts, and listen to your gut. If you feel like something isn’t right or someone is making you uncomfortable—even if you can’t put your finger on why—it’s important to talk to your child.
The Grooming Cycle
Before a perpetrator commits sexual abuse, they typically go through what is called the “grooming cycle” – this cycle allows them to build an emotional connection with a child that eventually leads to sexual exploitation. It can take place over an afternoon, or can take years to complete. Grooming is also intended to make the child feel at least partially responsible for the abuse, which means that they are more likely to keep it a secret from parents or trusted adults.
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There are several different versions of the grooming cycle, but they typically include these general steps as outlined by Prevent Child Abuse Utah:
Selection: There are many different factors that can determine whether or not a predator will select a specific child for abuse. These can include situational factors that allow easy access to a child, or preference for a specific age or gender. Research has found that a few other factors that make a child more likely to be selected for sexual abuse are low self-esteem, lack of knowledge about sex, previous exposure to sexually explicit media, and unsupervised access to technology.
Engagement: During this stage, the predator works to develop a relationship or a friendship with the parent and selected child. It is important to be aware of individuals who may be focusing too much time or attention on a child. If you find yourself thinking, “Why does this person want to spend so much time with my kid?”, that is a red flag. Trust your gut, and don’t be afraid to confront someone if you are concerned about the time they are spending around your child.
Grooming: During the grooming stage, the predator tests boundaries with the selected child to determine how a child will respond to abuse. This boundary-testing can include back rubs, inappropriate jokes, and breaking rules, and keeping secrets from the child’s parents. The perpetrator will usually continue escalating physical contact to prepare the child for the sexual contact that will occur during the impending abuse.If a child complies, the predator will continue pursuing, but if the child refuses, the grooming cycle could end here. Encourage your child to always come to you if someone ever tries to tell them to keep a secret from you.
Assault: The actual assault can be be incredibly confusing for a child. They may not understand what has happened, particularly if they lack knowledge about sex and appropriate vs. inappropriate touch. It can be even more confusing, since assault does not always hurt – sometimes it may feel good to the child.
Concealment: Concealment can involve several tactics to ensure that the child does not tell someone about the assault. A predator may try to blame the child and try to make them feel responsible, they may threaten the child and tell them that they will hurt them or their parents if the child were ever to tell, or they may intimidate the child by telling them that no one would believe them if they were to tell someone.
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How To Respond
Even knowing the stages of the grooming cycle, it is not always easy to spot when someone is taking a child through the steps in order to prepare them for sexual abuse. This particular study by Winters and Jeglic (2016) found that, when comparing vignettes that included both situations where the adult was a predator and situations where the adult did not intend harm towards a child, participants were unable to recognize sexual grooming behaviors for any of the stages of grooming. Knowing this, your knee-jerk reaction might be to hide your children away and never let them develop any kind of relationship with anyone. Rather than teaching your children that they can’t ever trust another person, it is important to have regular and age-appropriate discussions with your children about personal body space and appropriate touch, and helping them to know that they can always tell you about anything. Teach them to listen to their feelings, and to respond when their gut is telling them that something isn’t right. Help them know that if someone touches them inappropriately it is NOT their fault, and they will not get in trouble for telling you. Have age-appropriate discussions with your children about sex and their body (read more in Aubrey-Dawn’s article here). Make these discussions comfortable and normal rather than based in fear and shame. Think of this knowledge as helping your child to develop healthy ideas about their own body and the amazing things it’s capable of doing. As you work with your child to build their knowledge-base, and to build mutual trust and love, they will have the information that they need to know when someone is trying to take advantage of them. And heaven forbid, if something ever were to happen, they will know that they can come to you for help and healing.
Option 1: Take the free training course to educate yourself more about child abuse.
Option 2: Have a conversation with your child about their body and their right to their own personal space.
* IF YOU SUSPECT THAT A CHILD YOU KNOW IS BEING ABUSED, REPORT IT. In the US, there is no penalty for an incorrect report given in good faith. It is always better to ensure that a child is safe.*
Winters, G. M., & Jeglic, E. L. (2016). Stages of Sexual Grooming: Recognizing Potentially Predatory Behaviors of Child Molesters. Deviant Behavior,38(6), 724-733. doi:10.1080/01639625.2016.1197656
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Alex Jensen is the lucky husband of Heidi and father of three. He is the youngest of six children. Alex received a bachelor’s degree from Brigham Young University and a master’s and doctorate from Purdue University (in Human Development and Family Studies). He is currently an Assistant Professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.
