The word brings incredibly deep despair, discouragement, pain and heartache. A diagnosis of infertility brings with it a drastic change in identity. Men and women’s identities are biologically, psychologically, socially, and often spiritually entwined in being able to create life. And while 85% of couples are able to get pregnant without extraordinary measures, often “accidentally”, the other 15% of couples are emotionally exhausted, stressed, and lonely.
I want you to understand the stress that your loved ones are facing. The sense of loss is great. The struggle is significant. And if you can understand, then you can really help. And we want you to understand and help.
How bad is the stress?
Turns out, that women undergoing infertility treatment exhibit the same stress levels that cancer patients do. And many cancer survivors who struggled with infertility after their cancer reported that their stress during infertility was higher than when they were undergoing cancer treatment. They reported feeling more isolated, having less support from loved ones, and reported a significant impact on their sense of individuality and identity (Gurevich, 2016). The likelihood of an infertile woman experiencing a severe depressive episode is estimated to be nearly four times higher than for fertile women (Domar, et al., 2005). Men are more likely to receive hurtful comments about their infertility than women are. Many men dealing with infertility experience stress, particularly if they withdraw, do not seek social support, and desire children comparable to the degree their female counterparts do. Men receive less support and are subject to more thoughtless commentary than women, especially in the workplace (Fisher & Hammarberg, 2011).
Photo from pexels.com
Infertility is a crisis, affecting not only physiology, but also finances and other resources, couple relationships, sexual functioning, social connections, immediate and long term goals and life plans, and family and social relationships (Rubin, 2001).
Finances
Finances are another obvious stressor. Most insurance companies do not cover infertility treatment because it is “elective”. Currently, 35 states do not require insurance companies to provide any kind of fertility coverage. The 15 states that do mandate insurance coverage vary in their requirements, and across the nation, very few companies cover more than testing for the diagnosis of infertility issues. The few companies that do cover IVF (in vitro fertilization) usually have a lifetime cap of $10,000-$25,000. When you consider that one cycle of IVF costs $12,000-$15,000, and that two-thirds of women don’t have a successful birth until after the 6th cycle, the numbers quickly become overwhelming. With these odds, a couple could easily pay $50,000 out of pocket, IF they live in one of 15 states covering IVF, with the very best case scenario of a $25,000 lifetime coverage plan And this doesn’t even include prenatal or postnatal care, by the way. This is just getting the bun in the oven.
Sex
Another contributing factor to infertility-related stress is the dramatic change in sex life. For most people, sex is a fun, and extremely meaningful part of a relationship that helps people connect and bond with one another. It is an expression of love, trust, and vulnerability. But when going through infertility, sex becomes a scheduled medical procedure based on body temperature and ovulation schedule, rather than intimacy and love (Rubin, 2001).
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
Biological Factors and Medical Treatments
Do not even get me started on the hormone levels. That’s a whole other rabbit hole. Imagine your wife having those wild pregnancy hormones and crippling stress….but no baby. Nothing to show for it. Just persistent hormones and mood swings…and an empty uterus. Whether it’s a couple of simple medications, IUI, or IVF, infertility treatment is hard, and every failed attempt restarts the hope-despair cycle, contributing to the increase of severe depressive episodes experienced by those struggling with infertility.
Stigma and Hurtful (even if unintentional) Comments and Actions
Because infertility is not normative, those battling it often feel the need to make excuses or explain their conditions because of the way others treat them, as if the condition is somehow inappropriate or wrong. This helps to explain the social aspects, and not merely physical aspects of infertility, and how the stigmas surrounding it can socially and psychologically damage infertile couples further. Researchers have addressed the social psychology of infertility, explaining further that infertility is an unwanted social status, and therefore carries a stigma (Matthews & Matthews, 1986). Because of stigmas and fear of hurtful or unsupportive treatment, 15% of women and 19% of men do not tell their families when they are undergoing IVF treatment and 23% of couples have not told both sets of parents, only one. (Peters, et al., 2005). The trouble with this is that those who are generally expected and hoped to be closest to a couple are not part of their support system, making them more susceptible to mental illnesses like depression. And men are more likely to receive hurtful comments than women (Fisher & Hammarberg, 2011).
Photo from pexels.com
How to help
Increasing positive self-perception is a critical part of managing the negative impacts of infertility (Raque-Bogdan & Hoffman, 2010). Helping your loved ones to identify their positive qualities and working to refrain from insinuating that they are less of a person because of that infertility (it may sound obvious, but people make comments without meaning to more often than they even realize) is essential.
It is unlikely that people will ask, but when possible and appropriate, helping by contributing financially is incredibly helpful. At the beginning of the year, my husband and I were blessed tremendously. Generous friends sent us a check, which immediately went into an account my husband and I have just for infertility treatments. We certainly have a long way to go, but the amount of stress this relieved was indescribable, and our gratitude matched it.
Please do not attempt to help with the sex life portion of stress. Leave that one to us. Frequently men have suggested sex positions to my husband. Sex positions aiding in fertility are myths, and a couple’s sex life is their own. It is not a conversation for you to initiate.
Ask appropriate questions. Sometimes we need to talk about it. I know it can be awkward for you, but it means a lot when you say, “Hey, how are you doing with the infertility stuff?” And you can even say “stuff” if you don’t know what to say. And if we say, “okay” or “fine”, take it with a grain of salt. A coworker recently approached me and asked how my “infertility journey” was going. She didn’t give advice. She just listened and validated. We only spoke for about five minutes, but I cannot tell you how much that simple conversation meant. Please be mindful that your questions do not become intrusive: “When are you going to take on a more intense form of treatment?”, for example, is a deeply personal question.
We’re going to be okay. We know that. But for now, we press forward. We look for temporary distractions, many of us attend grief and/or marriage counseling, and central to our health is finding other parts of our identity, searching for meaning in other places. It is hard – some days it seems impossible – but we will be okay. And we greatly appreciate all the love, generosity, support and empathy you provide.
Check in with a friend or family member struggling with infertility. Take a moment to be a good friend: an active, empathetic listener.
References
DOMAR, A., PENZIAS, A., DUSEK, J., MAGNA, A., MERARIM, D., NIELSEN, B., & PAUL, D. (2005). The stress and distress of infertility: Does religion help women cope? Sexuality, Reproduction and Menopause, 3(2), 45-51. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sram.2005.09.007
Gurevich, R. (2016, August 2). What Infertility, Trauma, and Cancer Survivors Have in Common. Retrieved February 16, 2017, from https://www.verywell.com/how-infertility-Cancer-trauma-survivors-are-similar-1959993
Fisher, J. R., & Hammarberg, K. (2011). Psychological and social aspects of infertility in men: An overview of the evidence and implications for psychologically informed clinical care and future research. Asian Journal of Andrology, 14(1), 121-129. https://doi.org/10.1038/aja.2011.72
Matthews, A. M., & Matthews, R. (1986). Beyond the mechanics of infertility: Perspectives on the social psychology of infertility and involuntary childlessness. Family Relations, 35(4), 479. https://doi.org/10.2307/584507
Peters, C., Kantaris, X., Barnes, J., & Sutcliffe, A. (2005). Parental attitudes toward disclosure of the mode of conception to their child conceived by in vitro fertilization. Fertility and Sterility, 83(4), 914-919. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.fertnstert.2004.12.019
Raque-Bogdan, T. L., & Hoffman, M. (2010). Self-Perception, Hope and Well-Being in Women Experiencing Infertility. American Psychological Association 2010 Conference Presentation.
Rubin, H. D. (2001). The impact and meaning of childlessness: an interview study of childless women (Unpublished doctoral dissertation).
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
It’s five thirty and your five-year-old walks into the kitchen saying he’s hungry. “Good, it’s dinner time!” you say, cheerfully, hoping to prevent an explosion. The three-year-old starts to whine and you slip him another fruit snack as you guide the two to their seats, bracing yourself. They mope. You encourage. They grumble. You barter. They pout. You bribe. They scowl. You threaten. They cry. You go make chicken nuggets.
There are few things that stress a parent out more than mealtime with picky eaters. What if you could just stop it? End the battle; call a truce – is that even possible?
Luckily there is a tried and true method to prevent problems and encourage healthy attitudes, AND it will calm the dinner battles right now! In the 1980s, a dietitian named Ellyn Satter wrote a number of books about feeding healthy families. Since then her principles have been tested over and over again and they are still the gold standard that dietitians use in preventing and dealing with eating difficulties. Here’s what you need to know to get started:
1. Trust that your children want to grow up
Your biggest goal for your children’s eating is that they become healthy adults with healthy relationships with food. Guess what? That’s their goal, too! Deep down, underneath those toddler impulses or preteen attitudes, they want to grow up and be mature adults, including in how they eat! Trust your child to grow up. Trust him, even when he’s acting like, well, a three-year-old. Even when he’s acting like a three-year-old when he’s ten. He still wants to grow up.
2. Honor “The Feeding Relationship”
Satter suggested that children feel secure and able to grow up when there is a division of responsibility in the feeding relationship. The parents have their responsibility and the children have theirs. If nobody crosses the line, things tend to work out!
Basically, the parents are responsible for the what, when, and where of eating, and the child is responsible for how much (if any) he eats from what is provided. I’ll explain.
What – Parents decide what is served. Choose mostly healthy foods. If you don’t want them eating it, don’t serve it. Or even better, don’t buy it! Make sure you provide three or four options for each meal, one of which is something that you know the child will eat, even if it is just fruit or bread.
When – Have meals and snacks at regular times throughout the day. For young kids, that means a snack every two to three hours. Besides regulating the child’s blood sugar and keeping her from getting hangry, this also allows you to more easily say, “It’s a bummer you didn’t eat anything at the last meal. We’ll have a snack in a couple hours.”
Where – Have meals at the table whenever possible. Provide a pleasant atmosphere – keep it light and cheerful as much as you can. Even though you can’t enforce how much they eat, you most definitely CAN enforce manners! Some children eat their fill (or at least say they are done) very quickly and want to run off and play. It is okay to set a timer (even five or ten minutes) to remain at the table and join the family in dinner conversation, even if she chooses not to eat any more.
How much – The child decides how much, if any, to eat. Sometimes they will eat like a bird and the next day will house three sandwiches. Children meet their nutritional needs over the matter of a week or two, not in a day. It is perfectly normal and fine if they don’t eat meat for a few days but eat a bunch a few days later. Overall if this division of responsibility is followed, they will tend to get what they need. However, if you are concerned about a very picky eater while they are working through this, talk to your doctor or dietitian.
Allowing your child to determine how much she eats also means no cajoling, bargaining, or persuading. Your child can smell an agenda a mile away, so if they sense that you are trying to get them to eat their brussel sprouts by talking loudly about how delicious they are, they may feel like you crossed their line and shut down.
3. What about sweets?
One of the first questions parents want to know is, “What about sweets?” Most dietitians give two options. Serve dessert only occasionally, but when you do, children may eat it ad lib (when it is on the table, it is part of the “meal” and therefore they get to decide how much to eat). The second option is to have a single serving of dessert pre-portioned, but to serve it with the meal, not after. Do not use dessert as a reward for eating more “healthy” food. Sometimes a child will even eat more dinner when they can go ahead and have their cookie first – then they won’t rush through and eat as little as possible to get on with dessert! The bottom line is that we don’t want sweets to become this forbidden thing. That is how we develop many unhealthy attitudes toward food.
So that’s it! Now you can go and have instantly pleasant meals with happily eating children, right?! Okay, okay, it is one of those parenting principles that is simple, but difficult to implement. It is so hard to sit there and bite your tongue while your child ignores the veggies yet again and goes straight for the roll. It is equally hard to bite your tongue when your stubborn child finally tries the cabbage at dinner, and when he says he likes it, instead of dancing around the kitchen, saying casually, “Oh yeah, it’s pretty good.” Just remember to take the long-term view. Your ultimate goal is not to get your child to eat his peas tonight. It is to have him grow up to be a healthy eater. Fixing nutrient issues is relatively easy compared to fixing an unhealthy mental pattern regarding food. Trust that they want to grow up. Give them the structure and freedom to do it, and be ready to be amazed!
Note: This article was written to address “normal pickiness.” Extreme pickiness may warrant help from an occupational therapist and/or dietitian. Sometimes there are underlying causes (sensory issues, anxiety, early feeding tubes, etc.) that make it more difficult for some children to overcome finicky eating. These principles still apply and are invaluable in overcoming it, but in these situations, special care must be taken and some tactics may need to be altered.
Write down a meal plan for next week’s dinners. Planning ahead will help you feel less stressed at dinner time, and can even help you save money while at the grocery store!
Danika Dunn graduated magna cum laude from Brigham Young University with a BS in dietetics and a one-year-old. Because she knows so well the practical stresses of feeding kids, she enjoys helping other families eat for better health – in mind and body. Right now she spends most of her time homeschooling her five children, folding laundry, listening to podcasts, and taking care of her bees.
I grew up a reader. I read, I was read to, I did summer reading programs at my local library, I stayed up until all hours of the night reading… rarely did I not have a book with me. I heard from my mom and teachers hundreds of thousands of times how important it was to read. I also heard from my mom that you had to give a book 50 pages before you could put it down and say that you didn’t like it or it wasn’t the book for me. She learned it from a class, and yes it does work because some books take 50 pages for the story to really get going.
What I did not know, however, was why reading was so important. I had speculated ideas about why and had always heard that it makes a person a better writer. BUT, as it turns, out there’s more to it than just gaining better writing or language skills! Reading helps improve our relationship skills as we are more empathetic and kinder when we read (Borba, 2017).
Research has shown that parents care more about their child’s success rather than their child’s ability to be nice (Borba, 2017). Because of this, there has been a drive for success rather than kindness often at the expense of other children. Reading helps to bridge the gap and create children and adults who are empathetic and understanding towards one another, which in turn, sets them up for relationship success (something that will impact them far longer than getting straight A’s). If you want to learn more about why empathy is important, read these articles here, and here.
What to Read?
There are a huge variety of books out there – everything from picture books to non-ficiton to science fiction. The best type of book to help with empathy and moral development is actually picture books (Borba, 2017)! Picture books tend to contain content that draws on emotions and real-life situations that kids may encounter (Borba, 2017). Reading these books helps children to understand problem-solving, dealing with their own emotions, and have empathy towards the characters in the story. If you’re not sure where to start with picture books, you can ask a librarian at your local library, or a quick search with a phrase like “best picture books of all time” will yield thousands of results.
Photo from pexels.com
The second type of book that is best for building empathy and moral development is literary fiction (Borba, 2017). Literary fiction is a little different than general fiction, in that its value lies in the more serious and emotional nature of real-life events rather than simple entertainment value (Petite, 2014). Literary works of fiction include books such as The Book Thief, The Great Gatsby, and The Kite Runner. Literary fiction tends to help people be more empathetic, more skillful at taking the perspective of others, and more understanding of those who are different than they are (Borba, 2017).
Creating a Reading-Friendly Environment
While what you are reading can impact what you take away from the experience, consistent reading is actually what allows us to be empathetic and more understanding of others (Borba, 2017). Reading every day is where you will find the most benefits, whether it’s for 30 minutes or 3 hours.
Getting your child excited about reading can start even before they are born! Research has shown that reading to your child in utero can actually help stimulate a baby’s senses, improve brain development, and help with language development later on (Partanen et al., 2013). And those benefits continue as you keep reading to your growing child after they leave the womb. If you want to get your child excited about reading, make it fun! Use character voices, make up little songs or rhymes, or incorporate role-play. If you are reading a picture book, help your child point to what you are reading about. You can also try incorporating reading into your child’s daily routine. Having some family story time before bed is a great way to make sure you are reading every day! If you can cultivate a love for reading at home, children will be more likely to enjoy reading once they start attending school.
Photo from pexels.com
Here are a few more easy steps that can be taken to create a reading-friendly environment in your home:
Have designated screen-free time, and areas of the house where technology isn’t allowed (Rassmussen, 2017). For every family, the time and area of the house will be different, but research typically suggests to avoid screens in bedrooms because it interferes with the human body’s ability to associate the bedroom with sleep, as well as falling and staying asleep (Rassmussen, 2017). Creating screen-free time and areas helps kids and adults find other ways to entertain themselves, and a great way to do this is reading!
Have books at home that kids and adults can easily see and access (Borba, 2017). Buying books is one way to keep those books on display in your home. Local thrift stores, book stores and online retailers such as Amazon are a great way to purchase books usually with some sort of discount. Additionally, purchasing books in the mass market paperback edition will save you money as well. However, I know that purchasing books can be expensive, which is why getting a library card is a great investment. Going to the library every couple of weeks (especially with kids) encourages them to choose books that are interesting to them and helps to maintain a fresh supply of books. Libraries also offer book suggestions for both children and adults, along with activities and events that get everyone involved in reading, such as summer reading programs.
Set aside time to read both individually, and as a family (Borba, 2017). Set aside at least 30 minutes each day to read together, on your own, or both. Reading together is great for kids who can’t yet read on their own. This can include reading picture books together, or even chapter books with simple plotlines that young kids can understand. Reading aloud also provides an opportunity to talk about what is going on in the story as well as encourage perspective-taking. As a side note, as kids get older they may prefer to read on their own or to their siblings or other children, but don’t stop reading together as a family – it is still beneficial for teens to read together with others.
Let’s Talk About It
One of the most important things you can do to help your child engage in reading is to talk about what you are reading, especially when you are reading together. When reading together, take the time to ask questions about characters in the books, or even role-play as characters. Researcher, Michele Borba (2017) suggests parents and teachers ask kids the following three types of questions as they read:
Ask “What If” questions. Ask questions such as: “What if you were (insert character name)?”, “If you were in that position what advice would you give?”
Ask “How Would You Feel” questions. Ask questions like, “How would you feel if someone took your toy?”
Switch the focus from me to you. Preface questions with, “Pretend you are a character (from the story).” Then ask, “How would you feel if you were that character?” This helps kids to switch in and out of different perspectives.
Asking these kinds of questions are just as essential a part of reading as discussing the story or plotline, since understanding the characters and their motivations is part of what makes reading so powerful. All three of these types of questions encourages empathy and perspective-taking, helping children be more empathetic and understanding towards others – qualities that will set them up for success in their future relationships.
This week spend some time reading every day. The length of time you read doesn’t matter. It can be two hours or ten minutes just as long as you’re reading. If you don’t have a book to read venture to your local library or book store and pick one up.
References
Borba, M. (2017). Unselfie: Why empathetic kids succeed in our all-about-me world. New York: Touchstone.
Partanen, E., Kujala, T., Naatanen, R., Liitola, A., Sambeth, A., & Huotilainen, M. (2013). Learning-induced neural plasticity of speech processing before birth. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 110(37), 15145-15150. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1302159110
Rasmussen, E. E. (2017). Media maze: Unconventional wisdom for guiding children through media. Springville, UT: Plain Sight Publishing, an imprint of Cedar Fort.
Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
Consent can be explained a number of different ways, but just as clear understanding is important for consent, I also believe it is important for how we explain consent. As such, this is my favorite way I have heard consent explained:
“Both partners are 100% flamboyantly, beyond any shadow of a doubt, [in agreement about] what is happening,
And the communication of that, verbal and nonverbal, is clear and constant,
This is consent,
And wrong would be the absence of that, in any context, for any reason.
It would be silence.
It would be ‘I don’t know if this is what I want right now’,
Because maybe that’s not a ‘no’ but it is definitely not a ‘yes’.”
In other words, consent is all about boundaries. Brené Brown defines boundaries as “a clear understanding of what is okay for you and what is not okay for you.” Boundaries can be mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, or sexual. Consent is about physical boundaries, including platonic, romantic, and sexual boundaries. And as with all types of boundaries, we need to communicate our own and we need to learn and respect those of others.
Photo from pexels.com
Please note that I said platonic, romantic, and sexual boundaries. While consent is normally entwined with the topic of sex, consent is not just about sex. Consent is about all types of physical contact. For as we each are our own person, we each have the right to bodily integrity: to be free from interference with our bodies. The right to not be assaulted. To not be tortured. To not be experimented upon. The right to not be touched by others if we do not want it, no matter their intentions. After all, not meaning to cause harm does not mean no one will be harmed.
How Consent Can Improve Our Relationships
When we understand the true nature of consent, with its application beyond sexual relationships, we can see where it fits into all relationships, alongside the mental, emotional, and spiritual boundaries we each have.
Setting, maintaining, and respecting healthy boundaries are what separate happy and healthy relationships from toxic, dysfunctional relationships. When boundaries are violated, resentment builds and can poison a relationship, interfering with individuals’ ability to love wholeheartedly.
Photo by Paweł Czerwiński on Unsplash
Openly communicating about our physical boundaries with our friends, family members, and romantic partners invites connection and bonding. It provides an opportunity to gain a better understanding of those we care about and to show our love for them by respecting their boundaries. We can also feel more loved when they respect our boundaries.
Teaching Children about Consent
One of my strongest memories from elementary school is that of a boy named Trevor. Throughout kindergarten and first grade, he would continually harass me, attempting to and force hugs and kisses on me. I would often spend much of recess running away from him. I remember my first-grade teacher trying to teach him that he needed to ask first and then only act if I said yes. It took a long time for Trevor to learn that lesson.
This experience is one of the reasons I strongly believe in teaching consent from birth. Now, saying “from birth” may sound a bit extreme, but let me explain. From infancy, we teach children how to share, how to take turns, how to respect belongings. We consider these to be important life skills. If teaching children to respect things, to not purposefully damage their belongings, is a vital lesson, should it not also be vital to teach them to respect people and their physical boundaries? The younger we start, the better we can instill this respect in our children.
We also need to be teaching our children that they have the right to say no. They can refuse hugs and other physical contact, even from family members and close friends.
Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash
Did you read Rian’s post from November about sexual grooming? 1 in 10 children in the U.S. is sexually abused before age 18. 90% of the time, the abuse is committed by someone in a child’s circle of trust, not a stranger. So when you teach your children that they have the right to personal body space, even with those closest to them, you provide them with extra protection against predators.
This protection extends into adolescence and beyond. Teenage boys and girls consistently report that sexual activity often occurs under pressure (Sparks, 2019). They don’t know how to say no or how to respect when someone else tells them no. In fact, one nationwide study of high school students and young adults found that the overwhelming majority had never been taught how to avoid sexually harassing others or how to cope with sexual harassment. This is a serious problem that can be addressed by teaching children, teens, and young adults about consent – how to enforce their own boundaries and how to respect those of other people. Alongside that, we need to teach children that their bodies do not exist to serve others and other people’s bodies do not exist to serve them. The idea that bodies are objects to be used, rather than people to be respected, is a core belief that contributes to sexual violence and separates sex from its rightful place as part of a happy, healthy relationship.
If we want our children to grow up to have happy, healthy relationships, we need to teach them how to set and respect healthy boundaries. When we take the time to ensure our children understand consent, we are also teaching them “the skills, courage, and respect to communicate with another person about the things that are important to each of them”, and that is setting them up for success in their future relationships (Sparks, 2019).
Pick a relationship where you think physical boundaries are not clearly known and understood by both parties, and have a frank discussion with that person about their boundaries and yours.
References
Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong. New York: Spiegel & Grau, an imprint of Random House.
Herring, J., & Wall, J. (2017). The nature and significance of the right to bodily integrity. The Cambridge Law Journal, 76(3), 566-588. https://doi.org/10.1017/s0008197317000605
Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
Let’s be honest, talking to kids about sex is hard! It can be awkward, and tough to know how to handle a topic that some couples aren’t even comfortable discussing with each other (if this is you, we need to talk). We’ve previously posted some guidelines to help you have healthier conversations with your kids about their bodies and sexuality, but today, I’d like to focus on one essential point that we often forget to mention when we are talking to our kids about this topic:
SEX IS GOOD.
Let me say that again – sex is a wonderful, helpful, beautiful, GOOD thing that should be a regular part of our marriages! Sex gives committed couples the opportunity to get to know each other better, to connect physically, emotionally, and even spiritually, and to have fun exploring and deepening their relationship. Not to mention, it has the amazing power to bring children into the world!
Photo by Ádám Szabó on Unsplash
When we fail to help our kids understand the positive power of their sexuality and how it can benefit their committed relationships, we run the risk of them missing out on all of the amazing things that a good sexual relationship can bring to their lives.
Many parents hope that their children will wait until marriage to become sexually active. To be honest, this is what I hope for my kids! There are so many emotional and physical benefits to sexual exclusivity (lower risk for STD’s, deeper trust and connection over time, emotional safety, even better sex). But unfortunately, this hope can often skew a parent’s view on how they should talk with their kids about sex. Parents often either heavily emphasize the “don’ts” associated with sex, or they avoid discussing anything but the bare minimum when it comes to their children’s bodies. They think that if they talk to their kids about the good side of sex, it will make them just want to go out and have sex with everyone. But research has actually shown the opposite. When parents have healthy discussions about sexuality with their kids, and put that sexuality in the context of healthy committed relationships, kids are actually more likely to value sex and the power that it can have in their relationships, as well as make healthier sexual decisions. On the other hand, avoiding the topic, or only focusing on the negative consequences of premarital sex only creates fear and shame surrounding anything connected to sexuality – something that can seriously hinder a person’s ability to perform sexually later on in an appropriate setting.
For parents who aren’t as concerned about their children waiting for marriage, talking about the context of healthy committed relationships is still vital. While consent, safe sex, and gender identity are all important parts of conversations regarding sexuality, helping children understand the positive power that sex can have in strengthening their relationships will help set them up for sexual success.
Photo from pexels.com
So how do we help our kids understand that sex is good without encouraging them to be promiscuous? Context is the key. If we talk to our kids about how sex is a wonderful and powerful thing that can really benefit and enhance our marriages, and help them to understand why they should wait to have sex, they are far more likely to want to make that choice themselves.
So whenever you discuss sex with your children (which should be frequently as they mature physically and emotionally), make sure that they know that sex is a positive thing! It can express deep love and commitment, and can bring you so much closer to the person you choose to spend your life with. As you help them to know that their bodies are beautiful and powerful, you empower your children to make wiser choices about their personal sexuality. And when the time comes for them to share that part of themselves with someone they love, knowing that sex is a good thing will make those experiences all the more meaningful for them.
Think about and write down a few of the reasons why sex is important to you. How can it strengthen your own relationship? Developing in your self a belief that sex is positive is the first step to helping your children have a healthy relationship with their own sexuality.
References
Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2016). The man’s guide to women: Scientifically proven secrets from the “love lab” about what women really want. New York City, NY: Rodale Books.
Perel, E. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. New York City, NY: Harper Paperbacks.
Shoop, D. M., & Davidson, P. M. (1994). AIDS and adolescents: The relation of parent and partner communication to adolescent condom use. Journal of Adolescence, 17(2), 137-148. http://dx.doi.org/10.1006/jado.1994.1014
Stone, N., & Ingham, R. (2002). ‘Factors affecting British teenagers’ contraceptive use at first intercourse: The importance of partner communication. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 34(4), 191–197
Wellings, K., Nanchahal, K., Macdowall, W., McManus, S., Erens, B., Mercer, C. H., et al. (2001). Sexual behaviour in Britain: Early heterosexual experience. The Lancet, 358, 1843–1850.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
