I made the daring choice to ignore the dismal box office numbers and went to see Dear Evan Hansen in the theater a few months ago. Despite harsh reviews, I found the production to be moving and I appreciated the complexity of the portrayed relationships. Evan’s mom, a single mother trying to provide for her family, made continual attempts to try to talk with and show her love for Evan, most of which were met with the typical cold-shouldered, short-answer responses one could expect from a teenager. Evan’s character is depicted as a high schooler facing intense mental health issues, the suicide of a peer, positives and negatives of social media, and other struggles with fitting in. The challenges he faces impeccably illustrate the myriad of difficulties that face modern teenagers in high school. The movie demonstrates that now more than ever, it’s important for parents to be involved in their teenagers’ lives. But how can parents be a part of their teens’ lives when their teens shut down in the same way Evan does when his mother tries to connect with him? Here are 5 things you can practice when connecting and communicating with your teen.
Have you ever felt helpless trying to get your child to open up to you? Or maybe you’re all too familiar with the defeat that follows a well-intentioned question shot down by your teen.
Dr. Siggie Cohen, a child development specialist who shares parenting tips on social media, made a video about common short-answer child-parent exchanges (it’s not just you!)
Dr. Cohen reminds her audience that children spend their entire day learning, working, and experiencing new things at school (2021). She recommends helping your child to “break down their big experience in a more detailed and balanced way” by asking specific questions (Cohen, 2021).
Instead of asking your teenagers general questions about their day when they come home, try asking specific questions like, “What did you have for lunch today?” or “Did your quirky science teacher say anything funny in class?” This approach can help your teens open up and give you more information about their day.
Sometimes asking questions in general is too much for our teens. Having other ways to connect with children can be helpful to check-in with them emotionally.
Find Your “Taco Tuesday”.
In one scene of the movie, Evan’s mother fails to connect with Evan until she invites him to do “Taco Tuesday” with her. Evan’s face lights up and he responds more genuinely to his mom’s attempts to connect than he previously had. While no background is given, it’s discernable to viewers that Taco Tuesday has been an enjoyable and connective tradition between the two of them in the past.
When words are failing, you might try finding ways to simply spend time with your teen to connect with them. Many child-therapists and counselors recommend using art as a way for children to feel comfortable enough to share about their difficulties (Patterson & Hayne, 2011). While your teenagers might cringe if you ask them to sit down and paint with you (unless painting is their thing), you might be able to engage in other art-related interests of your teens such as visiting an art museum, decorating cookies, or trying out a new art trend featured on TikTok.
In addition, you might try spending time doing other things your teen enjoys. For instance, recent research is supporting joint media engagement — where parents participate in video games, watching a show, or scrolling through social media with their child. Joint media engagement can increase family connectedness (Padilla-Walker et al., 2012).
For many parents, the thought of trying to understand how to play Fortnite or watch the latest Avengers series on DisneyPlus might feel like a waste of time. However, setting aside time to be with your child, fully engaged in something they enjoy, can go further than you may imagine. Spend time doing things your teens enjoy to create space for easier transition topics that your teens want to talk about or that you want to discuss with your teens. Doing so will create shared experiences and increase the vulnerability and connection in your relationship.
Connection can also be built by being intentionally involved in your child’s schoolwork and activities. However, keep in mind that teenagers seek independence, and too much involvement can create division between parent and child. The sweet spot is when a parent can encourage their teen to work through difficult homework problems, offer help when the teen doesn’t understand, and promote developmental learning instead of fixed learning (Berkowitz et al., 2017).
A developmental learning mindset is the idea that knowledge is acquired and not a natural talent. Help your teens to see that they can learn hard things with comments such as “you’ve worked hard to understand this concept” and avoiding comments such as “you’re so smart.” This approach can strengthen your connection and help build your teen’s confidence.
You might find built-in opportunities to strengthen connection with your teens through routines that already exist or are easy to start. In my early teens, my parents introduced a new dinner ritual, inventively named “good and bad.” The game, as simple as the title, consisted of every person at the table sharing one good thing and one bad thing that happened in their lives during the day. Or, if you were in an especially sour phase of life as I was at 13, sharing two “bads” was an acceptable way to participate. This ritual allowed my parents a glimpse into how my siblings and I were faring emotionally, regardless of our desire to talk in depth with them.
While connecting with your teenagers may often feel like an impossible task, you can rely on the traditions and rituals you already have. Holidays, birthdays, and other special celebrations can provide opportunities for connection with your teenager that differ from the day-to-day connections that your teens are less receptive to. These events can bring up nostalgic, positive memories your teens remember, and open the gate to new memories being made. Asking your teens what they love most about these traditions and being sure to incorporate them will help your teens to feel that their opinions matter and recognize your love and care in a special way.
When It Doesn’t Work, Try Again.
On the days, weeks, and even years where you feel you just cannot get your teen to connect with you, don’t give up hope. Remember to ask specific questions, engage in things they enjoy, show your teens support while honoring their independence, and connect over rituals and traditions. In the movie, when Evan was at a breaking point, his mother was there. She assured him she would always be there when he needed her. (She expressed this through song, which isn’t necessarily required to get the point across, but points for style!) While teens may do everything in their power to distance themselves from you, when push comes to shove, they will know they can count on you. Keep trying; your efforts mean more to them than you know.
This week, think about a ritual of connection that you’d like to incorporate into your daily parenting routine. No matter what age your kids are, these rituals can help you get connected and create a culture of safety and openness in your home!
References
Berkowitz, T., Schaeffer, C. S., Rozek, S., Beilock, S. L., & Levine, S. C. (2017). The parent connection. Psychologist, 30(9), 28-32.
Padilla‐Walker, L. M., Coyne, S. M., & Fraser, A. M. (2012). Getting a high‐speed family connection: Associations between family media use and family connection. Family Relations, 61(3), 426-440.
Siggie Cohen [@dr.siggie]. (2021, September 1). Who can relate? You pick up your child from school eager to hear how their day went. You excitedly [Video]. Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/p/CTSuTUmhNva/
Lyndsey Kunzler is from Centerville, Utah and is a senior at BYU studying family studies. She looks forward to pursuing a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and doing further research on body image. She considers herself to be an “extroverted introvert”, a lover of artichokes, and passionate about finding new ways to create and deepen relationships.”
Most people have heard of “the baby blues.” But did you know there is a difference between the baby blues, postpartum depression, and postpartum anxiety? PPD and PPA are medical conditions that need treatment to improve, and although anyone in the postpartum period can be at risk, you don’t need to worry – there is help available! This topic was requested by one of our readers, and in this post we’ll be discussing the differences between the three conditions and how they are treated, including things you can do at home in addition to seeking medical attention.
The Baby Blues
According to the American Pregnancy Association (2021), “approximately 70-80% of all new mothers experience some negative feelings or mood swings after the birth of their child”. Because of hormones during pregnancy and after childbirth, chemical changes in the brain can occur resulting in this milder form of postpartum depression. The symptoms of the baby blues tend to disappear by a few weeks after childbirth, and include mood swings, feeling overwhelmed, irritability, and reduced concentration just to name a few.
The baby blues will usually go away after a few weeks, but in the meantime, work on getting as much rest as possible, accept any help you may be given, don’t be afraid to ask for help when needed, try to find time to take care of yourself, and connect with other new moms when possible.
Postpartum Depression
Unlike the “baby blues,” postpartum depression doesn’t just go away on its own. Although postpartum depression can seem scary, it is 100% treatable and fairly common. In fact, research shows that up to 1 in 7 moms will experience postpartum depression (Wisner et al., 2013). There are several factors that put you at risk for postpartum depression: low socioeconomic status, history of depression, history of stressful conditions, lack of familial support, and unwanted pregnancy are just a few (Ahmed et al., 2021). The difference between the baby blues and postpartum depression can look like the inability to bond with your baby, restlessness, hopelessness, feeling inadequate, excessive crying, and recurring thoughts of death and/or suicide. The media has shared many stories of women suffering from postpartum depression without being treated that harm their children, but postpartum depression can also look like a desire to harm yourself.
Postpartum depression is usually treated with therapy, medication, or a combination of both. With appropriate treatment, symptoms usually improve, but it is important to stay the course and continue treatment even after you initially feel better.
Postpartum Anxiety
Postpartum depression gets a lot of press, but what about postpartum anxiety? Some of the symptoms overlap (like sleep disruption, even when the baby sleeps), but what sets postpartum anxiety apart from postpartum depression is a constant or near-constant worry that won’t go away. You may feel dread or have racing or intrusive thoughts, have heart palpitations, or hyperventilate. The anxiety can even result in panic attacks. It’s a lot to deal with when you’re already dealing with a newborn, but don’t worry: just like postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety is 100% treatable.
Postpartum anxiety is also usually treated with therapy, medication, or a combination of both.
Your prenatal care provider should monitor you throughout pregnancy for signs of depression. If you notice something is off, do not hesitate to let them know. After your child is born, you will typically have a 6-week postpartum check with your provider and they will assess you for postpartum anxiety and depression at that time. Again, do not hesitate to let them know of your concerns, and be sure to attend your 6-week appointment. Often, pediatricians’ offices will have a mother fill out a questionnaire the first few visits to assess you for postpartum anxiety and depression as well. If symptoms develop after that time (which is possible), be sure to reach out for more professional help.
You may be reluctant or even embarrassed to admit that you need help, but if you are feeling depressed or anxious after the birth of your baby, call your doctor as soon as possible.
It’s important to be aware that you can develop PPD or PPA with a second, third, fourth, etc. pregnancy even if you have not had it with previous pregnancies. If at any point you have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, seek assistance from loved ones to take immediate care of your child and call 9-1-1 for help.
Helping a friend
People with postpartum depression or anxiety may not even realize what is going on and that they need help. Don’t wait and hope that things will improve; if you suspect a loved one is suffering, help them get help immediately
Although fathers may not experience the hormone changes in pregnancy, that doesn’t mean they are immune to postpartum stress. When a mother is depressed, chances are that the father may feel similar stress. Again, in this situation, seeking help is a necessary step.
“Home remedies”
These are things that can help in addition to professional help. They should not be a substitution for professional help such as therapy and medication, but rather, a supplement to that assistance.
Especially for c-section mamas, physical activity may be difficult in the initial days or weeks. Once you are able, try to introduce some physical activity back into your daily routine, such as going on a walk with your baby. The endorphins that accompany exercise can help improve your mood and you can bond with your baby during this time.
Avoid isolation as much as possible. The postpartum period may feel lonely, but there are many others who have been through it and are willing to help you. If they don’t offer help, please do not be afraid to ask for it yourself. If someone offers to watch the baby so you can sleep or shower, take them up on it. It’s important to take time for yourself, and even time with your partner.
Try to set realistic expectations for yourself. You can’t do it all and you shouldn’t be expected to, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Do what you are able and leave the rest.
Help is available to you. More information on postpartum anxiety and depression can be found here.
If you are pregnant or in the postpartum period, make a list of individuals you can reach out to when you need help – whether it be a meal, watching your baby, or more.
If you are looking to help someone who you think may be suffering, reach out, now. Do not ask what you can do to help, find what you can do to help.
References
Ahmed, G. K., Elbeh, K., Shams, R. M., Malek, M. A. A., & Ibrahim, A. K. (2021). Prevalence and predictors of postpartum depression in Upper Egypt: A multicenter primary health care study. Journal of Affective Disorders, 290, 211–218. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.jad.2021.04.046
Baby Blues. American Pregnancy Association. (2021, July 16). Retrieved October 4, 2021, from https://americanpregnancy.org/healthy-pregnancy/first-year-of-life/baby-blues/.
Gueron, S. N., Shahar, G., Volkovich, E., & Tikotzky, L. (2021). Prenatal maternal sleep and trajectories of postpartum depression and anxiety symptoms. Journal of Sleep Research, 30(4). https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/jsr.13258
Shulman, B., Dueck, R., Ryan, D., Breau, G., Sadowski, I., & Misri, S. (2018). Feasibility of a mindfulness-based cognitive therapy group intervention as an adjunctive treatment for postpartum depression and anxiety. Journal of Affective Disorders, 235, 61–67. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.jad.2017.12.065
Shorey, S., Chee, C. Y. I., Ng, E. D., Chan, Y. H., Tam, W. W. S., & Chong, Y. S. (2018). Prevalence and incidence of postpartum depression among healthy mothers: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 104, 235–248. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.jpsychires.2018.08.001
Wisner KL, Sit DKY, McShea MC, et al. Onset Timing, Thoughts of Self-harm, and Diagnoses in Postpartum Women With Screen-Positive Depression Findings. JAMA Psychiatry. 2013;70(5):490–498. doi:10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2013.87
McKay Strongis a Texas native. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit, has been married for three years, and recently gave birth to her daughter. She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even prouder cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
The classic, “Mom/Dad, where do babies come from?” is a question that catches many parents off guard. In fact, research indicates that even though most parents believe this is an important topic to discuss with their children, many have yet do so because they worry that their kids aren’t old enough (Koren et al., 2019; Somers et al., 2019; Wilson, 2010), that talking about sex may encourage their children to engage in sexual behaviors (Afifi et al., 2008; Koren et al., 2019; Wilson, 2010), and that their attempts to tackle this tricky topic won’t be successful (Afifi et al., 2008; Koren et al., 2019; Somers et al., 2019). However, as more and more sexually explicit information becomes readily available to children at even younger ages, the more critical it becomes for parents to address this topic with their kids early on. Especially since research supports the idea that parent-child discussions about sex are protective factors against risky sexual behavior (Afifi et al., 2008).
Luckily, there are things you as a parent can do to help you feel more prepared to answer this question when it comes around, and to help your child feel more prepared and comfortable with the answer. Below, I discuss a few evidence-based recommendations that can help guide you as you seek to navigate discussions surrounding health and sexuality with the young people in your life.
Deal with Your Own Discomfort
If you want to have successful conversations with your kids about sex, it is important for you to examine your own beliefs surrounding sexuality. Everyone develops their own belief system surrounding the topic of sex based on factors such as when and how the topic was addressed in their home growing up, religious beliefs, and personal sexual relationships and experiences (Hornor, 2004). These beliefs parents hold heavily impact their ability to effectively communicate with children about sex, particularly since kids pick up on the cues parents send when discussing the topic (Afifi et al., 2008). In a qualitative study, Afifi and colleagues (2008) found that adolescents who discussed sex with parents who were more casual and comfortable felt less discomfort and anxiety themselves during the discussion, which in turn resulted in less avoidance of the subject. It can be difficult to speak comfortably and casually, however, if you yourself have negative beliefs about sex.
Because of this, I encourage you to think critically about your own beliefs surrounding sex and to consider what beliefs you would like to pass on to your children. Ask yourself, is sex something I value as an important part of human relationships? Do I have any anxieties or unresolved trauma that could impact how I approach the topic? How do I feel about sexuality outside the realm of heteronormativity? Do I have any moral values or expectations that I would like my children to consider? Becoming self-aware of your own beliefs and then being intentional about which beliefs you would like to pass on to your kiddos can help set you up for success in keeping these important conversations positive and healthy.
Use Positive Communication Skills
Wilson and colleagues (2010) found that parents were more likely to feel confident discussing difficult topics with their child if they had a strong relationship, so make time to regularly talk and spend time with your kids. Don’t feel the need to create a fanfare or some type of event in order to justify talking with them about sex, or any other topic for that matter. Somers et al. (2019) suggest that speaking more often about sex in particular increases the likelihood of positive communication as well as more comfort with the conversation, so find natural moments to bring up and discuss bodies and sexuality. Great opportunities for this can be bath time, when you or your partner are menstruating, pregnancy, and watching nature shows.
Furthermore, when having these conversations, try not to lecture. Somers and colleagues (2019) found that conversations that were dominated by the parent and that did not leave room for questions or open discussion were not only less effective in helping children make healthy sexual decisions later on in life, but were actually correlated with higher amounts of adolescent sex.
Build Trust Through Honesty
Trust is another essential element in maintaining a strong relationship, and, as Afifi and colleagues (2008) explain, also a key factor in adolescents’ willingness to have conversations with their parents about sex. When parents answer their children’s questions honestly and clearly, kids see them as a trusted resource and are more willing to come to them for sexual information (Afifi et al., 2008). One way you can practice honesty in your discussions with your children is by using the correct terminology for body parts. Using correct terminology helps children avoid misunderstandings about bodies and sex and can also help them develop confidence in their bodies and practice body safety (Kenny & Wurtele, 2008).
Self-efficacy, or the belief that you are capable of accomplishing a task, is another factor linked with more positive discussions between parents and children regarding sexuality (Afifi et al., 2008). A parent who feels more confident that they can successfully discuss sex with their child is more likely to have successful conversations (Afifi et al., 2008). One way you can overcome any initial discomfort that you may feel in discussing this tricky topic is through practice! Consider watching yourself in the mirror and paying particular attention to your body language, since that is an immediate giveaway of comfort level. For those of you who are parents with younger children, beginning to have conversations about sex when children are little (even before they can understand what is being said) can also give you more opportunities to practice and get comfortable (Wilson et al., 2010).
Finally, remember that it is okay for you not to have all the answers. If one of your kids comes to you with a question you aren’t sure how to respond to, it is absolutely appropriate to say something along the lines of, “That is a great question! I don’t have an answer for you right now, but can you give me some time to think about it and we can come back together to talk about it before bed tonight?” Then follow up with them once you have practiced your response. Another option would be to take a moment right then to model some research and critical thinking skills and look up the answer together with your child. Either approach lets your little one know that you value their question, and that they can come to you for truthful answers.
It is likely that even with these suggestions you will not be perfect in having conversations about sex with your kids (heaven knows, I’m not, and I study this for a living!). However, as you gain confidence through practice, build a foundation of trust, and focus on continuing to develop your relationship with your children, you can move forward trusting that what you have to offer will be enough to help your kids move forward towards healthy and happy sexual relationships of their own someday.
Take some time to think critically about your own beliefs surrounding sex and to consider what beliefs you would like to pass on to your children. Ask yourself these questions: Is sex something I value as an important part of human relationships? Do I have any anxieties or unresolved trauma that could impact how I approach the topic? How do I feel about sexuality outside the realm of heteronormativity? Do I have any moral values or expectations that I would like my children to consider?
References
Afifi, T. D., Joseph, A., & Aldeis, D. (2008). Why can’t we just talk about it?: An observational study of parents’ and adolescents’ conversations about sex. Journal of Adolescent Research, 23(6), 689–721. https://doi.org/10.1177/0743558408323841
Hornor, G. (2004). Sexual behavior in children: Normal or not? Journal of Pediatric Health Care, 18(2), 57–64. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0891-5245(03)00154-8
Kenny, M. C., & Wurtele S. K. (2008) Preschoolers’ knowledge of genital terminology: A comparison of English and Spanish speakers. American Journal of Sexuality Education, 3(4), 345-354. https://doi.org/10.1080/15546120802372008
Koren, A. (2019, January 31). Reproductive health for teens: Parents want in too. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(5), 406-413. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2018.1549635
Wilson, E. K., Dalberth, B. T., Koo, H. P., & Gard, J. C. (2010). Parents’ perspectives on talking to preteenage children about sex. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 42(1), 56–63. https://doi.org/10.1363/4205610
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She is married to her best friend Mark, and they have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she is currently pursuing an MS degree in Family and Human Development from Arizona State University.
The term “emerging adult” has taken on many names from “extended adolescence” to “delayed adulthood” to “those confused 20-somethings.” Correct terminology aside, all of these titles refer to the same group of 18- to 29-year-olds that seems to be caught between the dependency of adolescence and the independence of adulthood.
Emerging adulthood, as a stage of development, is relatively new in the realm of social science and has been the subject of many research studies. All of these studies have sought to answer one question: how can we better understand the experiences of emerging adults and help in the transition to adulthood?
The Myths of Emerging Adulthood
Jeffrey Arnett, the researcher who coined the term “emerging adulthood,” has described emerging adulthood as the age of identity exploration, instability, self-focus, and possibility (Arnett, 2021). These characteristics have given rise to many negative stereotypes around this stage of life, including the idea that emerging adults are selfish, depressed, and quick to participate in risky behaviors.
While these stereotypes may have some truth to them, Arnett argues that they have been blown way out of proportion. In fact, much of the behavior of emerging adults can be attributed to the “combination of changing social norms, shifting economic conditions, and advancing technology” (Schwartz, 2013).
For example, changing social norms have perpetuated the stereotype of selfishness. While the norm several generations ago was to settle into a career and a romantic relationship soon after graduating high school, today, a more competitive job market has pushed many young adults to pursue higher levels of education in order to compete for high-paying and satisfying jobs (Schwartz, 2013). This extended period of time pursuing higher education, combined with recent economic changes, has caused many emerging adults to refrain from settling down until they have secured a stable source of income. Thus, many emerging adults adopt independent lifestyles that are sometimes seen as self-gratifying.
Likewise, the stereotypes of depression and risky behaviors are fueled by the stress and instability that emerging adults face due to the competitive job market and growing social and educational expectations (Goldsmith, 2018).
How to Help and Support an Emerging Adult
For a generation of parents who were held to a very different set of expectations in their 20s, this new stage of development can be just as confusing for them as it is for their emerging adult. Jennifer Tanner, a social scientist whose research focuses on better understanding the transition to adulthood, said, “The problem is that we know how to steer emerging adults to get a ‘good’ job . . . and have a ‘good’ family. But we’re not so good at knowing how to help emerging adults explore and find themselves” (2010).
Tanner explains that no emerging adult is the same: Each one will require a different combination of support and motivation during this time of instability (2010). However, discovering this combination is often easier said than done. To provide a starting point, below is a list of things that parents can practice in order to foster a healthy relationship with their emerging adult:
Help your emerging adult balance dependence with independence. Whether your emerging adult lives away from home or in your basement, they should be treated like, well, an adult. Even if you provide them with some financial support, setting boundaries and expectations for them to live up to, while also respecting their privacy and having faith in their ability to handle their own lives, will help them gradually transition into a state of complete independence (Alongi & Wolf, 2019).
Be careful not to “jiggle the habitat.” Marriage and Family Therapist, Stephenie Lievense compared caring for emerging adults to caring for newly transformed butterflies (2013). She explains that although butterflies emerge from their cocoons with beautiful wings, they are not necessarily ready for flight right away. Those who care for butterflies must refrain from “jiggling the habitat” because doing so could further harm the butterfly.
Similarly, bombarding an emerging adult with questions or unsolicited advice could cause them more anxiety than motivation. While it can be difficult to simply sit back and watch your emerging adult make their own decisions in life, it is necessary if you wish to teach them how to gain their own footing.
Maintain open communication. The only way to understand the complexity of an emerging adult is to establish an open, accepting, and honest line of communication (Goldsmith, 2018).This type of communication seeks to voice your concerns when necessary, but your emerging adult should also be able to ask for distance or support as they need it.
Model a healthy lifestyle. Your emerging adult needs to see what a healthy lifestyle looks like in order to create their own (Alongi & Wolf, 2019).They need to be reassured that the best is yet to come and that having to struggle and ask for help is often healthy. One of the best ways to do this, in a manner that still respects their space and experiences, is through your example.
Take care of yourself. Be open about when you face hardships, and share resources that helped you overcome them. Be someone who your emerging adult can relate to, and it may motivate them to model their own lives after yours.
Following these principles can help you maintain a good relationship with your emerging adult and can provide them with more stability during an otherwise very unstable time. One of the healthiest things an emerging adult can receive during this period of development is the reassurance that they are valued and respected and that you have faith in their ability to build the life that is best for them.
If you are a parent of an emerging adult, consider how you can practice principles taught in this article. Perhaps work on establishing or strengthening open, accepting, and honest communication with your emerging adult, or consider how you can be healthier in your own life, to better model a healthy lifestyle.
Livy Andrus is from Ogden, Utah. She is currently a senior studying Family Life at Brigham Young University. She enjoys researching and writing about building healthy relationships within the family, and hopes to make this her life’s work. When she is not writing, she loves watching movies, traveling, reading, and doing anything creative.
“I have been so focused on taking care of everyone else that I don’t even know what I need anymore.” “I feel like I’m fading away in this monotony.” “Who even am I?”
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking any of these things, you might just be a mom.
Motherhood is one of the most demanding and difficult jobs out there. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing, and when you are giving so much of yourself to your children, it can be easy to feel like you’ve gotten lost in translation. I am a mom twice over, and each time I feel like I’ve had to re-discover myself — my goals and personal priorities, how I feel most comfortable expressing myself, how to best tend to my physical/emotional/mental/spiritual needs, what brings me the most joy, what makes me feel most like ME. And according to research, this is a pretty common experience for a lot of moms (Laney et al., 2015).
So how do we balance giving of ourselves and staying true to who we are in a relationship that requires so much of us? Here are five principles that have helped me to maintain my identity in motherhood.
1. “Mother” is not (and should not be) your only role
Becoming a mother drastically changes your life. Not only does it require you to physically care for a helpless human being, it also comes with a lot of societal baggage and expectations that carry with them the entire history of motherhood (Choi et al., 2005). Because of this, it can be easy to get overwhelmed and feel like you aren’t measuring up!
If you feel like you are getting lost in all of the pressure and comparison, take a step back and remember that you are more than just “Mom”.
Although you may be your child’s entire world (especially when they are teeny tiny), don’t feel guilty if being a mother doesn’t make you feel completely fulfilled all the time. Of COURSE we love our children with our whole hearts, and of COURSE we want to give them the world, and our best selves. But your needs are also important. You are a multi-dimensional human being who is not completely defined by the role of mother. Make sure that you are nourishing the other parts of yourself, and that you are finding your worth and value in more than just the development of your kiddos. Remember: when we take care of our own physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs, there is more of us to give to those we love.
Try this:
Take a break from social media to help you avoid comparing yourself with others
Don’t allow others to dictate what being a good mom means to you by setting healthy boundaries
2. Whether you choose to work outside the home or not, you’re right
One of the most loaded and difficult topics to navigate as a mother is outside-the-home work. A woman’s career can be an incredibly important part of her identity, defining many of her relationships, dictating how she spends her time, and ultimately shaping how she relates to the world. When you become a mom, however, it can be difficult to know whether you should stay at home full time, or continue pursuing a career outside the home along with your new full-time job of parenting. Sometimes you don’t really have a choice, which can further complicate the issue.
Rather than arguing whether or not working outside of the home when you are a mom is right, I feel it is better to ask yourself whether or not it is the right choice FOR YOU. Research has actually shown that the woman’s preference is one of the most important factors in determining the relationship between her working status and her mental health (along with social support and job quality) (Gordon, 2018).
When it comes down to it, finding the right work/home balance for you can help you have better mental health and be a better mom and partner. So, if you aren’t sure what that best fit looks like for you and your family, try asking yourself these questions:
Do I want to be working outside the home as a mom?
Does pursuing a career bring me joy and help me feel fulfilled?
What resources can I draw on to help me find a manageable and healthy work/life balance?
If working is not currently an option for me, in what other ways can I continue to develop myself, my talents, and my relationships?
Many mothers, especially stay-at-home moms, spend the majority of their time with their children. That’s okay! Kids take a lot of time and energy, especially when they are little, and making that sacrifice to be with your kids in these especially formative years can be so rewarding. However, it can be easy to lose yourself (and your mind) when your only conversation partner all day is your toddler!
Take the time to nurture the adult relationships in your life that aren’t directly tied to your motherhood (ie. playgroup moms are awesome, but they aren’t the only adult friends you should make time to see). Be particularly intentional about setting aside time with your partner – when the kids are all grown up and gone, they will be the one you are left with. Check out this post here for more information on the problems with making your children your #1 relationship priority!
Try this:
Set aside time for a weekly date night with your partner
Schedule a lunch date with a friend, sans kids
Plan a girl’s weekend for you and some friends
Have another couple over after the kids are in bed for dessert and games
4. Don’t feel like you have to abandon your personal hopes, dreams, and passions
You have to sacrifice a lot when you’re a mom, but you should NOT have to sacrifice your identity!
The things you are passionate about are what make you YOU. While you will most likely have to make adjustments to the amount of time you spend in pursuing your own personal goals, you do not have to give them up entirely in order to be a good mother! Continuing to develop yourself in a variety of areas will benefit you, your marriage, and your parenting, so please don’t stop working towards becoming your best self as you help your children to do the same.
Photo by Michael Burrows from Pexels
Remember that you are not the only person responsible for raising your child. Don’t feel like that burden is solely on you. Rely on your village to give you the support you need in tending to your family and also tending to yourself. Asking for help does not need to be a last resort after you’re already at the end of your rope. Utilize your partner, family members, community, child care, etc. to help you have the time and space you need to continue learning, growing, and developing your individual identity.
Try this:
Read The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky or The Happiness Project by Gretchin Rubin to re-connect with your passions
Take a community class to help you develop a personal talent or try a new hobby
Create a vision board to help you focus on who you are becoming
5. Remember: There is a time and a season
While I was working on my undergraduate degree and contemplating plans for my future career, one of my beloved mentors shared some wisdom with me. “You have time!” she said.
“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1
The rushed pace at which our world currently operates can often make us feel like we have to have everything right here right now, or else we aren’t taking advantage of the time we’ve been given. “Time is scarce,” it tells us, and too often, we give up on our dreams because we feel like we will never have enough time. But do you want to know something? You do not have to do everything right now. Wherever you are at in your motherhood journey, you have an abundance of time ahead of you to accomplish just what you need and want to. As you focus on intentionally living in the moment and finding joy in whatever season you are in right now, you will find that you have as much time as you need.
If something is important to you, set goals, make a plan, and trust that you will have time to accomplish the things that matter most.
Try this:
Practice mindfulness to help ground yourself in the present
Keep a journal so you can record your favorite daily moments
Avoid overscheduling yourself or your kids so you can enjoy being in the moment together and to decrease the amount of stress you experience
Conclusion
It isn’t realistic to expect that motherhood won’t change you. I am personally so grateful for the ways that being a mom has helped me grow, and how it has reshaped the way I see myself and the world! However, completely losing yourself to motherhood is not necessary. If you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore because being a mom has sucked you dry, take the time to invest in yourself! You are worth it.
This week, spend some time alone to re-connect with (or even reclaim) your identity. The “try this” suggestions above could be a great place to start if you need some ideas!
References
Choi, P., Henshaw, C., Baker, S., & Tree, J. (2005). Supermum, superwife, supereverything: Performing femininity in the transition to motherhood. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 23(2), 167–180. https://doi.org/10.1080/02646830500129487
Laney, E. K., Lewis Hall, M. E., Anderson, T. L, & Willingham, M. M. (2015) Becoming a mother: The influence of motherhood on women’s identity development. Identity, 15(2), 126-145. https://doi.org/10.1080/15283488.2015.1023440
Smith, J. A. (1999). Identity development during the transition to motherhood: An interpretative phenomenological analysis. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 17(3), 281–299. https://doi.org/10.1080/02646839908404595
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she is currently pursuing an MS degree in Family and Human Development from Arizona State University.
This week, think about a ritual of connection that you’d like to incorporate into your daily parenting routine. No matter what age your kids are, these rituals can help you get connected and create a culture of safety and openness in your home!
Lyndsey Kunzler is from Centerville, Utah and is a senior at BYU studying family studies. She looks forward to pursuing a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and doing further research on body image. She considers herself to be an “extroverted introvert”, a lover of artichokes, and passionate about finding new ways to create and deepen relationships.”
McKay Strong 
Rian Nicole Gordon
Livy Andrus is from Ogden, Utah. She is currently a senior studying Family Life at Brigham Young University. She enjoys researching and writing about building healthy relationships within the family, and hopes to make this her life’s work. When she is not writing, she loves watching movies, traveling, reading, and doing anything creative.
