Cover Photo by Warren Wong on Unsplash 

Written by Matthew T. Saxey, Brigham Young University

We’ve all seen the movie: prince or princess charming meets their perfect match. And then, wouldn’t you know it, together, the two live “happily ever after.” But real life doesn’t always work that way.

While relationships can bring many unique benefits, entering a relationship does not solve every problem. Unfortunately, avoiding the common ‘it will be better when I’m finally in a relationship’ mentality can be a challenge in and of itself.

A recent study suggests that getting married to the idea of marriage, or a committed relationship, can help form a foundation for a healthy relationship long before you actually enter into one (Marks & Dollahite, 2017). Here are three ways to avoid the “happily ever after” mindset and to help begin dating your future relationship.

Becoming vs. Finding

A popular phrase about relationships is that ‘opposites attract.’ Although it may be true of some personalities, researcher Jason Carroll has found that more often, we are attracted to people with a similar character (Carroll, 2018). But too often, Carroll explains, people approach creating a lasting relationship by seeking their one true ‘soulmate’ (Brooksby, 2020; Carroll, 2018). This focus on a ‘finding’ approach to dating misses out on emphasizing personal growth and development (Carroll, 2018). 

In other words, by spending time finding a “soulmate,” we may not recognize or work toward becoming more prepared to be an exemplary partner. When someone focuses on becoming a better person even before entering a relationship (Carroll, 2018), they are actually improving—and you might say ‘dating’—their relationship before it has even begun.

Financial Management

Another common idea is that money makes the relationship: finding a ‘sugar mama’ or a ‘sugar daddy’ to finance your lifestyle is the ticket to a good relationship. Money does matter but not in the way that we often imagine. Research indicates that sound financial management—rather than overall income—leads to increased individual happiness (Spuhler & Dew, 2019) and relationship satisfaction (Archuleta et al., 2013).

If financial literacy and management are not developed prior to beginning a relationship, it may become more difficult to supplement healthy money habits once the relationship has begun. Sound financial management such as paying bills on time, keeping a record of monthly expenses, staying within a budget or spending plan, etc. (Dew & Xiao, 2011) should begin well before entering into a relationship. Consider dating your future relationship now by developing financial management through things like budgeting apps or learning and applying knowledge from reputable money management advisors.

Knowledge about Sex

Leaning from reputable sources about sex can help you create or develop healthy sexual attitudes. Without having healthy sexual attitudes, achieving sexual satisfaction in a marriage or committed relationship can be more difficult (Carroll, 2018). 

In a sexualized culture with pervasive access to technology, consumption of pornography has become common. Data from 2014 suggest that 46% of men and 16% of women in the US between the ages of 18 and 39 intentionally viewed pornography in a given week (Regnerus et al., 2016). And, unfortunately, this common pornography use can lead to unhealthy sexual attitudes (Brown et al., 2017; Nakai, 2016). 

Another reason pornography use might be harmful comes from 30 national surveys that together show that when pornography use is associated with relationship quality, pornography use is almost always a signal of poorer relationship quality (Perry, 2020). To start or continue dating your relationship, avoid or overcome pornography by replacing it with healthy sexual attitudes and scripts. To do so, consider learning from reputable sexual health sources such as Sexual Wholeness in Marriage or A Better Way to Teach Kids About Sex.

Dating—And Even Marrying—Your Relationship

As you focus on becoming—rather than just finding “the perfect person”—you may also start developing better financial literacy and management and cultivating healthy attitudes about sex that support your relationship. While addressing these three areas may be particularly helpful in preparing for a lasting future bond, progress in other areas might also be needed. 

Consider taking time to reflect about what you might want in a future partner, and assess whether you yourself have or are developing those same things (Carroll, 2018). As you continue dating your future relationship, avoid the ‘it will be better when I’m finally in a relationship’ mindset. That way, when you do eventually commit*, you will be wedded to the relationship of your dreams as well (Marks & Dollahite, 2017). 

* A note from the Editor:

I love Matthew’s article and agree wholeheartedly with his suggestions. That said, and Matthew agrees, it is worth noting that not everyone will get married, either by choice or by circumstance—and that is okay! Each person’s path is different. As I’ve made similar decisions in my life thus far—to become the kind of person I’d like to marry, to work to improve my finances, and to cultivate healthy sexuality—the benefits have been immediate. I hope to find someone to share my life with someday, but even if I never do, I am so grateful to have built a life I love for myself.

– Allie Barnes, Editor & Writer at Healthy Humans Project, Single & Happy 32-year-old Woman

Identify a section from the article that you’d like to work on this week. Single or not, we can all be more aware and knowledgeable about these areas of life.

References

Archuleta, K. L. (2013). Couples, money, and expectations: Negotiating financial management roles to increase relationship satisfaction. Marriage & Family Review, 49(5), 391–411. https://doi.org/10.1080/01494929.2013.766296 

Brooksby, A. (2020) “Soul Mates: Found or Chosen?,” Family Perspectives, 1(2). https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/familyperspectives/vol1/iss2/6 

Brown, C. C., Conner, S., & Vennum, A. (2017). Sexual attitudes of classes of college students who use pornography. CyberPsychology, Behavior & Social Networking, 20(8), 463–469. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2016.0362 

Carroll, J. S. (2018). The marriage compass. BYU Academic Publishing.

Dew, J., & Xiao, J. J. (2011). The financial management behavior scale: Development and validation. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 22, 43-59.

Marks, L. D., & Dollahite, D. C. (2017). Religion and families. New York: Routledge.

Nakai, K. (2016). A qualitative exploration on sexual scripts and sexual self-esteem among young adults with a rationale for a media-literacy program on pornography. Doctoral Dissertation, Adler School of Professional Psychology.

Perry, S. L. (2020). Pornography and relationship quality: Establishing the dominant pattern by examining pornography use and 31 measures of relationship quality in 30 national surveys. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(4), 1199-1213. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-01616-7 

Regnerus, M., Gordon, D., & Price, J. (2016). Documenting Pornography Use in America: A Comparative Analysis of Methodological Approaches. Journal of Sex Research, 53(7), 873–881. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2015.1096886 

Spuhler, B. K., & Dew, J. (2019). Sound Financial Management and Happiness: Economic Pressure and Relationship Satisfaction as Mediators. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 30(2), 157-174. https://doi.org/10.1891/1052-3073.30.2.157

Matthew Saxey, who is receiving his B.S. in Family Studies from BYU in April 2021, is an incoming M.S. student at BYU’s Marriage, Family, & Human Development Program. When he’s not doing homework or working, Matthew enjoys spending time with his lovely wife, Brianna.

Cover photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

Written by Annika Quick, Brigham Young University

In loving memory of Dr. Julie Haupt, who inspired me to let this piece become more than just words on a piece of paper— “…more than just an assignment”

“I want to ask him on a date, but I’m scared it will ruin our friendship.” 

“I’m afraid she won’t like me if she actually gets to know me.” 

“I’m afraid of getting hurt.”

What do these statements have in common? A hesitation to fully engage in relationships. As a single college student, I have noticed that most young adults lack the desire, courage, and trust needed to engage wholeheartedly in romantic relationships.

“I want to ask him on a date, but I’m scared it will ruin our friendship.”

About a year and a half ago, I asked someone out for the first time, and I was terrified.

Before then, I had always left it up to boys to ask me out. Doing so made me feel safe and helped me avoid scary situations with unknown outcomes. In this case, I had just met this cute boy, and was worried that asking him out might make things awkward between us.

After about an hour of pep talks from my roommates while I paced around the apartment, I finally called him. Much to my surprise, the world didn’t come crashing down. In fact, he was really excited about my date idea, and the date actually ended up being one of the best dates I had ever gone on! That date led to several more and, though we are no longer dating, we are still close friends.

An essential part of engaging in relationships is being “[willing] to expose yourself emotionally to another person despite being afraid and despite the risks” (Bruk et al., 2018). I experienced this as I asked my friend on that date. It felt risky to ask him out; we attended the same church meetings and had just recently become friends. However, the risk paid off; fully engaging in the relationship helped me develop a deep friendship with him, and we created many memories that I still treasure to this day.

People may avoid taking risks because they are afraid of the outcome (Brown, 2012). That used to be me, and in some ways it still is. However, when moments of fear of the outcome overwhelm me, I like to ask myself: Do I want to live my whole life wondering, “What if I’d just asked him on a date?” or “Why didn’t I tell him how I felt?”

When I change my perspective from what I’m losing to what I’m gaining, risks become much less intimidating. When we limit ourselves while pursuing relationships, we miss out on memories that make life so beautiful.

If I had avoided asking my friend out, I might have spent that Saturday night at my apartment passively watching a movie instead of creating memories that I still love to look back on.

“I’m afraid she won’t like me if she actually gets to know me.”

If after going on a few dates with someone you keep the relationship in a get-to-know-you stage rather than venturing into a deeper stage, you may miss out on opportunities to form more meaningful connections with someone, even if that connection isn’t romantic. 

Researchers from the University of Mannheim have found that, while we might think showing our vulnerabilities makes us look flawed, others find it quite alluring. This idea has been coined “the beautiful mess effect” (Bruk et al., 2018). 

The beautiful mess effect suggests that we often view our own vulnerabilities in a negative light—the same vulnerabilities that others find captivating. Often, we believe that our own vulnerabilities make us appear ugly or broken, when in reality, our vulnerability might be just as beautiful as we perceive others’ vulnerability (Bruk et al., 2018).

While it’s important to let others see our true selves, we must be selective by only sharing our true selves with those who have the right to see us deeply (Brown, 2012). Being honest and vulnerable about ourselves to others does not mean we share every facet of our lives with everyone we meet or begin to date. Vulnerability comes through time and with trust, and we must gradually introduce vulnerability where appropriate.

Renowned vulnerability researcher Brené Brown invites us to “Let [yourself] be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen” (Brown, 2010). Your vulnerability—your beautiful mess—has a certain charm. Change the question from “do I deserve to be seen” to “do they deserve to see me” and let your beautiful “raw truth” be seen by those who deserve to discover it.

“I’m afraid of getting hurt.”

Often, people are scared to commit to a relationship because they are afraid of getting hurt (Apostolou et al., 2020; Bennet, 2019). This fear of rejection often stems from painful dating experiences in the past. Psychologist Ana Jovanovic has explained that “being in a relationship means accepting that control is not entirely in your hands as both people have the responsibility of making the relationship work. This is especially hard for people who have been hurt in relationships before. Exposing yourself to the risk of going through the same or worse pain once more may seem unacceptable” (Bennet, 2019).

Although committing to a relationship can be scary, especially if we’ve been hurt in past relationships, we need to understand that loving with our whole hearts means committing (Touchton, 2020). There’s no guarantee we’ll avoid pain, even when we love and commit with our whole hearts (Brown, 2010). Vulnerability requires a leap of faith into the unknown, and—despite the risk of pain—researchers have found that commitment in relationships often leads to positive effects, such as feelings of security, relationship stability, and greater relationship satisfaction, which cannot be experienced without taking that leap (Weigel et al., 2015).

Yes, you might get hurt. Yes, the relationship might fail. But, vulnerability is worth it because it invites the opportunity to experience more genuine and intimate interaction not found for the emotionally closed off (Bruk et al., 2018). “Without commitment, you cannot have depth in anything” (Touchton, 2020).

Although vulnerability requires intentional effort, choosing to be vulnerable is the path to true connection. It’s the path to deeper, more meaningful relationships, and it’s the path to wholehearted living (Brown, 2010). Most, if not all, fulfilling relationships start off as someone taking a vulnerable leap; however, those in fulfilling relationships will all echo the same thing—the jump was, and is every day, so worth it. 

Have you watched Brené Brown’s TEDx presentation, “The Power of Vulnerability“? Watch it this week, and think about how you can use these principles to strengthen a relationship in your life.

References

Apostolou, M., Jiaqing, O., & Esposito, G. (2020). Singles’ reasons for being single: Empirical evidence from an evolutionary perspective. Frontiers in psychology, 11. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.00746

Bennet, T. (2019, March 05). Where do commitment issues stem from? A fear of being vulnerable, making the wrong decision, missing out, and being responsible for another can all play a part. Thriveworks. https://thriveworks.com/blog/where-do-commitment-issues-stem-from-a-fear-of-being-vulnerable-making-the-wrong-decision-missing-out-and-being-responsible-for-another-can-all-play-a-part/

Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly. New York, NY: Penguin Random House.

Brown, B. (2010, June). The power of vulnerability [Video]. TED Conferences. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en

Bruk, A., Scholl, S. G., & Bless, H. (2018). Beautiful mess effect: Self–other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(2), 192–205. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000120

 Touchton, M. (2020, June 15). How anyone can create a meaningful life with wholehearted commitment. Medium. https://medium.com/mind-cafe/how-anyone-can-create-a-meaningful-life-with-wholehearted-commitment-90822529724b

 Weigel, D. J., Davis, B. A., & Woodard, K. C. (2015). A two-sided coin: Mapping perceptions of the pros and cons of relationship commitment. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32(3), 344-367. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407514533765

Annika Quick is from Holladay, Utah. She is studying family science at Brigham Young University, with plans to become a marriage and family therapist and a professor. Annika loves going to the beach, exercising, baking treats, going on adventures with her friends, and traveling and experiencing new cultures with her family.