Millennials are waiting longer to get married than any other previous generation in history. Why? The answer might surprise you.
On average, Americans are marrying for the first time at age 27 for women and 29 for men. Research suggests there are many reasons for this prolongment, even without taking individual circumstances into consideration. These include: cohabitation as an acceptable societal norm, priority to education and career development, and an emphasis on experiences and self-discovery. But what is keeping millennials from marriage, even more than all of these, is paralyzing fear.
Though marriage seems to be on the back burner, millennials report that marriage is still highly important to them. In fact, young adults regard marriage as so important that the significance of it is what has them paralyzed.
“It’s the most important decision I’ll ever make! I need to be sure I’m with the right person.”
“There are so many things I still want to do before I settle down.”
“What’s the hurry? I have my whole life to be married!”
Sound familiar? As a millennial myself, I hear these phrases often. Can you hear the undertone of fear in these phrases?
“It’s the most important decision I’ll ever make! I need to be sure I’m with the right person.”
Fear of marrying the “wrong” person
“There are so many things I still want to do before I settle down.”
Fear of missing out (FOMO- an acronym coined by Millenials)
“What’s the hurry? I have my whole life to be married!”
Fear of rushing into commitment
The debilitating fear surrounding marriage is understandable. Each of the above phrases highlights a valid reality for the millennial generation. Addressing these fears can help eliminate them and perhaps solve this generational crisis of putting off what we desire most.
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Fear of Marrying the “Wrong” Person
The longer millennials remain single, the more they place marriage on a pedestal, complete with unrealistic expectations and a highly romanticized view of the union. Dr. Spencer James, a researcher in family studies noted, “Many [millennials] believe in a marriage relationship that doesn’t exist and may or may not ever come along.” He continues, “They’re [millennials] delaying it because it’s so important. A stable and healthy marriage feels like the Holy Grail to many.” Fear of making the wrong choice and marrying someone who is not your “perfect match” or “soul mate,” leaves many young adults dissatisfied, lonely and holding out longer and longer for companionship.
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)
The fear of missing out is rooted in the fact that millennials seem to be trapped between adolescence and adulthood, wanting all the perks of adulthood but the limited responsibilities of adolescence. Psychologist Jeffrey Arnett has coined this dilemma as emerging adulthood. He describes emerging adulthood as a distinct period of identity exploration, a focus on self and excitement for endless possibilities. While previous generations were settling down into home and family responsibilities, millennials are focusing on more individual pursuits such as travel, career, and education. The fear is that these family and individual pursuits are mutually exclusive and cannot go hand in hand.
Photo from pexels.com
Fear of Rushing into Commitment
Marriage is a significant, lifelong commitment and highly valued among millennials. As such, the fear of rushing into this commitment only to fail discourages many millennials from finally tying the knot. With divorce rates at an all-time high, one doesn’t have to look very far to find a failed marriage. Perhaps you yourself were raised in a home affected by divorce. Happy marriages seem unlikely and there seem to be fewer and fewer happy couples to revere. With few positive examples to look to, fear is certain.
Here at the Healthy Humans Project, we believe that while these fears are valid, they are not insurmountable and that happy marriages are possible. We’re here to address these fears and encourage our generation to take the risk of marriage and enjoy the many rewards it has to offer.
What are your fears about marriage? Identify and share them with someone you trust.
Terms:
Emerging adulthood: a distinct period of time between adolescence and adulthood for persons between 18 to 25 years of age
FOMO: Fear of Missing Out (on experiences and opportunities)
Millenial: persons born between the years 1981 and 1996 (those currently 23 to 38 years of age)
References
Carlson, D. L. (2012). Deviations from desired age at marriage: Mental health differences across marital status. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74(4), 743–758. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2012.00995.x
Kuperberg, A. (2014). Age at coresidence, premarital cohabitation, and marriage dissolution: 1985–2009. Journal of Marriage and Family, 76(2), 352–369. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/jomf.12092
Lissitsa, S. (2019). Perceived optimal marriage age in the Internet era—Findings of a nationwide survey. Marriage & Family Review, 55(2), 126–151. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/01494929.2018.1458005
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
Many of us grew up believing that once we’re married or find a life partner, we won’t experience loneliness anymore. And then we grew up and realized that wasn’t the case. The reality is, no matter your place in life, loneliness is a possibility. Even the healthiest couples feel alone, at times, in their relationships. So, how do we cope when love feels lonely?
Resistance and Mindfulness
Ironically, on the day I decided to write about loneliness, I experienced an overwhelming lonely night. It’s as though a wave of isolation, shame and emptiness consumed me. Rather than resist these emotions by jumping to usual numbing tactics, I allowed myself to feel them completely (Metcalfe & Mischel, 1999). I refrained from giving loneliness meaning, and instead, I just sat there with the feeling. What happened as a result? It, like all emotions, eventually passed. When we seek to understand our feelings rather than avoid them, they come and go as vibrations in the body. According to life coach Jodi Moore, “when we resist negative emotion, we intensify it” (Moore, 2015). Part of mindfulness is observing our emotions instead of judging them. Researchers have found when dealing with negative emotions it is more helpful to ask “what” rather than “why” (Kross, Ayduk & Mischel, 2005). There is a difference in “I feel lonely” and “I feel lonely, therefore, I must not be lovable, worthy, matter, etc.” Understanding our emotions without identifying with them is a leap toward emotional freedom. In times of anxiety ask yourself “what am I making this mean about me? Is that how I want to feel?”
Photo from pexels.com
Letting go of control to seek awareness is a paradox to our survival instincts. We begin life dependent on external sources to quell our loneliness. As we become independent, our modern brains grow in reasoning. However, when the mind detects danger, our primal brain wants to protect. This is why when we experience negative emotions in our adult years there is often a sense of fear and urgency. Remember that your brain is just doing its job to protect you. When loneliness and fear of loneliness come up, be mindful that yes this hurts or feels uncomfortable, but is not life-threatening (Well, 2017).
Connection and Vulnerability
Sometimes loneliness catches us by surprise like in my recent experience. Other times it’s created by a buildup of emotions and unmet needs. Some researchers define loneliness as “a discrepancy between actual and desired interpersonal relationships” (De Jong-Gierveld, 1989). Meaning there is a lack of personal or social support and intimacy. When we feel lonely, we may be lacking connection, which can be found in many ways. Connection with self, others, the earth, a higher power, etc. Things like getting out in nature, taking a hot bath, meditating, talking with a friend or family member, praying, and reading good literature have all helped to ease my feelings of inadequacy.
Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash
No matter the type of connection we are needing, the stipulation is vulnerability. Remaining open to uncertainty is a precondition for the intimacy that can dissipate loneliness and shame. “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection” (Brown, 2010). We all need each other in some way, and our networks can help us in lonely times. Having relationships is part of what makes life beautiful and dynamic. It’s easy to admire someone’s strengths, but we actually connect with their weaknesses. Yet, remember that outside sources, people included, are not a fix-all. It takes both self-awareness and compassion from others to get through difficult times. Using loneliness to fuel introspection can lead to many insights and discoveries (Hixon & Swann, 1993). Holding space for others and holding space for yourself can co-exist, despite what we may have thought.
Right vs. Happy
Often times loneliness appears in our exchanges due to disagreements. Not seeing eye to eye is completely normal and inevitable in any relationship. The only person who thinks like you, is you. While conflict is good, and sometimes part of our path to connection, it can also create more feelings of separateness within partnerships. I’ve witnessed topics like raising children, religion, politics, diet, money, education, career and many others pull people apart.
Photo by Sebastian Pichler on Unsplash
I know a couple with different beliefs that have managed to put being happy over being right. The wife is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS), and her husband isn’t religious. Her husband has fully supported her dreams, even though he does not share his wife’s beliefs. She has completely accepted who he is, without trying to change his mind or convert him. While both of them probably think that they are right in their personal beliefs, they maintain their own beliefs while still being kind and supportive of each other. When she went through an LDS temple to perform sacred rituals, he waited outside with flowers, embraced her and told her he was proud of her. It isn’t easy to allow space for difference or disagreement, but it is possible. When you feel lonely because of opposing views or ideas ask yourself, “What matters more to me? This person and our relationship, or being right?”
It’s Normal
According to Dr. Epistein, the feeling of separateness is inescapable, but it doesn’t have to be painful (Epistein, 2005). Because we are all individuals there is the potential for loneliness in every relationship.Remember, we’re not meant to feel good all the time. We’re meant to experience both joy and sadness. Take comfort in knowing that everyone feels alone at times, both in and out of relationships. The chances that others are feeling lonely are high. Know that loneliness is part of the shared human experience and there are likely people in your life with whom you can relate and turn to for comfort.
Practice identifying what emotions you’re experiencing without assigning them meaning. Honor that the emotions are there and deserve to be felt, but refrain from personalizing them. Share these feelings with your partner and practice holding the space for each other.
Hixson, J.G. & Swann, W. (1993). When does introspection bear fruit? Self-reflection, self-insight, and interpersonal choices. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 64, 35-43.
Kross, E., Ayduk, A., & Mischel, W. (2005). When asking why does not hurt distinguishing rumination from reflective processing of negative emotions. Psychological Science, 16, 709-715.
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
In my article last month I talked about how the Rising Strong process can be beneficial for navigating marital conflict. Today we are going to explore common roadblocks to reckoning with emotions.
To reckon is “to narrate or to make an account.” We need to be able to talk about our feelings. That requires acknowledging them. This is typically more difficult for men, but it is by no means reserved for one gender. All of us can resort to poor coping when dealing with difficult emotions. But with the Rising Strong Process, if we deny our stories and our feelings, “they don’t go away; instead, they own us, and they define us.” (Brown, 2015) If we continue to deny the story, we cannot defy the ending.
How it affects marriage
The way most people respond to difficult emotions is to avoid them. Some offload, turning “I failed” into “I am a failure,” causing them to feel shame and disengage further. Others steamroll, choosing to be upset with their spouse, rather than owning a mistake that caused hurt or embarrassment. Silence, brooding and resentment, is an effort to escape criticism and can become withdrawal, both emotional and physical. Withdrawal can quickly turn into stonewalling — one of John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of Divorce. Rather than engage in the difficult emotions, we disengage, leave the room, and refuse to deal with it. This is a more common reaction for men (Gottman, 1999).
It can be easy to assume that when a spouse disengages or withdraws from you it’s because they do not care. But in reality, it is often a cue that they are unable to reckon with their emotions.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Emotional Curiosity
The first part of reckoning is acknowledgment. The second is curiosity. Curiosity can be the most difficult part. “Curiosity is the feeling of deprivation we experience when we identify and focus on a gap in our knowledge (Brown, 2015).” It can help us to connect two separate experiences or ideas. But the important part is to realize that, “we have to have some level of knowledge or awareness before we can get curious.”
In my opinion, this can be one of the largest stumbling blocks for engaging in the reckoning. Many of us were taught to not place value in emotions, only logic. We were told emotions or crying are signs of weakness. Or we were never taught to deal with or even talk about our emotions, much less connect how they affect thoughts and behaviors. These are all keys to emotional curiosity. (Brown, 2015)
Fear is the number one reason we do not act. Feeling emotions can be uncomfortable or awkward. We worry what others will think. Vulnerability is new and uncertainty is scary. We don’t know what we might find if we dive deeper. So “we self-protect—choosing certainty over curiosity, armor over vulnerability, and knowing over learning.” (Brown, 2015) Instead of facing the emotion, we off-load.
Common ways we off-load emotions:
Avoidance: A new study worries that the popular “trigger warning” on college campuses actually fosters a culture of avoidance (Flaherty, 2019), communicates to students that they are fragile and unable to cope (Sanson, 2019) and that we can actually increase our suffering by avoiding it. (Platek, 2018)
Not acknowledging vulnerability: Studies have shown that our ability to recognize a vulnerability to a diagnosis, or acceptance of one, greatly increases our chances of adhering to a positive health regime. (Aiken, et al., 2012)
Teapot emotions: We stuff them down, and one day they reach a boiling point and everyone knows it (Brown, 2015).
Stockpiling hurt: We force it down so much that it begins to affect our bodies. Sleep issues, anxiety, or depression can be the first symptoms of emotions manifesting in the body (van der Kolk, 2015)
The fear of high-centering: You recognize the emotions but don’t walk into them for fear of it dislodging something and affecting you in a way you don’t like.
Anger: Road rage and sports are socially acceptable ways to deal with pain, especially for men.
Bouncing hurt: “Whatever, I don’t care.” It’s easier to bounce it off ourselves. We become stoic or deflect with humor and cynicism (Brown, 2015).
Numbing hurt: Rather than lean into pain, we numb with alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, shopping, planning, perfectionism, food, Netflix, or even staying busy. We hide the hurt so that our feelings can’t catch up with us. This can numb the good in the process (Brown, 2015).
Photo by the hk photo company on Unsplash
Miriam Greenspan, Psychotherapist, and author of Healing through Dark Emotions, addresses a societal issue:
“Despite our fear, [we want] to feel these emotional energies, because they are the juice of life. When we suppress or diminish our emotions, we feel deprived. So we watch horror movies, and so-called reality shows like Fear Factor. We seek out emotional intensity vicariously, because when we are emotionally numb, we need a great deal of stimulation to feel something, anything. So emotional pornography provides the stimulation, but it only ersatz emotion—it doesn’t teach us anything about ourselves or the world.” (Brown, 2015)
She explains the positive benefits of all emotions:
“People don’t mind feeling joy and happiness. The dark emotions are much harder. Fear, grief, and despair are uncomfortable and are seen as signs of personal failure. In our culture, we call them “negative” and think of them as “bad.” I prefer to call these emotions “dark,” because I like the image of a rich, fertile, dark soil from which something unexpected can bloom. Also we keep them “in the dark” and tend not to speak about them. We privatize them and don’t see the ways in which they are connected to the world. But the dark emotions are inevitable. They are part of the universal human experience and are certainly worthy of our attention. They bring us important information about ourselves and the world and can be vehicles of profound transformation.” (Platek, 2018)
One of the biggest reasons that uncertainty in emotion is so hard is because it often means we have to change. Something in our life or in our relationship needs shifting and transforming. This is a big part of the Rising Strong process — change coming as a result of something difficult or uncomfortable. And that is often the hardest part. Sitting in our emotions can be hard, but moving past them to be better is very difficult, too.
For more strategies from Miriam Greenspan for working through emotions, see the full article here. This recent HHP article has similar sentiments. This is also a great one about emotional range.
Photo by John Schnobrich on Unsplash
So, what’s next?
Vulnerability in marriage creates opportunity for bonding, but it can also create hurt. It takes courage. When we can create a safe place for our spouse to bloom from those dark emotions, we can transform our marriages.
We just need to change the way we deal with them.
In the same way we need to own our stories while in conflict as I addressed in my first article, we need to give ourselves and our spouses space for the difficult emotions as we experience the reckoning. If your spouse is dealing with deep emotions, take a step back and realize that shame can change people’s actions, and that it is their story, not yours.
We naturally want to connect with others, but “when we feel shame … we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors, to attack or humiliate others.” (Brown, 2007)
While feeling shame, we are actually desperate for belonging. That is exactly the time that you need to show your spouse you still love them, that you are staying put and you are strong enough to deal with their dark emotions. The antidotes to shame are compassion and connection. (Brown, 2007)
Be patient. Express love, encourage and appreciate them. The key is to create a safe space where they are allowed to explore those feelings without fear. Give them space if needed. Empathy is also crucial. I will be exploring empathy more in my final article.
There are some great resources available to help.
See this emotion wheel for ideas of more emotive words.
See this video about Permission slips, a strategy to allow emotions in.
Learn about tactile breathing, a method soldiers use in tense situations to calm and center themselves (Brown, 2015).
Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash
Conclusion
The Reckoning can often be the hardest part of the Rising Strong Process. Leaning into emotions is far more difficult than avoiding them. Brené uses the term reckoning for this process because “in navigation, the term reckoning, as in dead reckoning, is the process of calculating where you are. To do that, you have to know where you’ve been and what factors influenced how you got to where you are now. Without reckoning, you can’t chart a future course.” (Brown, 2015)
Just as Miriam Greenspan encourages, when we can deal with our dark emotions, suffering can lead to deeper connection, more compassion, and foster resilience and transformation (Platek, 2018). We can allow suffering to expand our minds to make room for rebirth. We can gain power because of emotions— to heal and to change our endings. We can be powerful and courageous— in our lives and in our marriages.
This week, consciously make time to practice identifying your own emotions. Set an alarm on your phone every day to remind you to pause, notice how you are feeling, and name the emotions you are experiencing.
References
Aiken, L. S., Gerend, M. A., Jackson, K. M., & Ranby, K. W. (2012). Subjective risk and health-protective behavior: Prevention and early detection. In A. Baum, T. A. Revenson, & J. Singer (Eds.), Handbook of health psychology (pp. 113-145). New York, NY, US: Psychology Press.
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Melissa discovered her talent for writing in her freshman writing class at BYU. She graduated with a degree in Family Life and then attended Le Cordon Bleu to pursue her dream of baking wedding cakes. After three years of professional baking, she hung up her apron to be a stay at home mom. She lives in Las Vegas with her husband and twin toddlers. She has since rekindled her love of writing and finds time to write while caring for her children.
Melissa has a passion for sharing her knowledge and experiences with other women, to empower them to be their best selves. She writes about faith, family, love and relationships with the occasional baking metaphor.
Morrie Schwartz, the subject of Mitch Albom’s award-winning novel Tuesdays with Morrie, states that he truly didn’t learn to live until he was dying of the fatal illness amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, i.e. Lou Gherig’s Disease. As I stayed up one night unable to put the book down I came across the following thought-provoking passage, “The truth is, when our mothers held us, rocked us, stroked our heads- none of us got enough of that. We all yearn in some way to return to those days when we were completely taken care of- unconditional love, unconditional attention. Most of us didn’t get enough.”
The more I ponder this statement the more I have to say I agree. Even as a 25-year-old there are many times I simply want to be held, to feel that closeness that comes from the tight embrace of another human being. I suspect this is a desire that never leaves us, one that is part of our deeper nature and desire to connect with others, and I believe we need it even more than we realize. Do we have “enough” affection and physical touch in our lives as is stated by Mr. Schwartz? In our day and age, I don’t think so.
Photo from pexels.com
The moment that physical touch becomes vital actually begins at birth. Physical contact (i.e. skin-to-skin) after birth and throughout infancy has been proven scientifically to have beneficial physiological effects on the infant. This even goes a step further where the skin to skin contact after birth aids in activating maternal attachment (Phillips, 2013).I have personally felt this in my own life when my daughters were in the NICU for days before I was able to hold them and then the moment to hold them finally came and I instantly felt a motherly connection.
As infants develop the benefits of physical touch are numerous. In one of my favorite parenting books, Super Baby by Dr. Jenn Burman, an entire chapter is devoted to the importance of touch along with references to current research. Based on the current body of literature eight benefits of touch for children have been listed (Berman, 2010) and they include:
Smarter children.
Healthier digestion.
Improved weight gain.
Improved immune system.
Better sleep.
Enhanced muscle tone and coordination.
More developed sensory awareness.
Better ability to handle stress.
As we develop over the years from infant to adults our desire to be touched and loved never goes away, in fact, it matures as we mature. Personally when I have moments where the worries of life bring me anxiety I often find that the best cure is simply to be held. My breathing slows, my chest relaxes, and my thoughts focus. As I feel compassion and connection from the person holding me, the mental and physical grip of anxiety loosens and melts away.
Dacher Keltner, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of California Berkeley, conducted an experiment in his lab asking if humans can communicate compassion through touch. In one particular study, he built a barrier that separated two strangers from each other. One person would stick their arm through a barrier and a person on the other side of the barrier would try and convey an emotion from a list they were given in one-second increments of touch. The other person would have to try and figure out which emotion was being conveyed. The results were remarkable. In describing the results Dr. Keltner states, “Given the number of emotions being considered, the odds of guessing the right emotion by chance were about eight percent. But remarkably, participants guessed compassion correctly nearly 60 percent of the time. Gratitude, anger, love, fear—they got those right more than 50 percent of the time as well.” (Keltner, 2010)
Photo by Candice Picard on Unsplash
Once we realize the extent of how necessary physical affection and connection with other people is, the question then becomes, why do we sometimes go out of our way to avoid it? As I’ve pondered this conundrum I’ve had a few thoughts that I will share. One reason I’ve found to be a common theme amongst myself and those I’ve discussed this with is a lack of vulnerability. Physical touch requires two people, it’s inviting another person to share our moment of happiness, contentment, sorrow, pain or grief. Simply put, it exposes our most raw selves to someone else. This can lead to another reason we might attempt to shy away from physical touch: fear. We might fear that the other person will not respond appropriately, maybe misread intentions, or perhaps even reject us entirely. Despite these valid fears or concerns, we must overcome them. Our emotional health depends on it.
Just as there is a multitude of different emotional states, so too are there varying types of appropriate physical touch, and all of them are vital to human connection. Think of the emotional benefits you have personally derived from receiving a hug, someone rubbing your feet after a long day, an embrace from a lover, or even a simple hand on the shoulder after a job well done. It makes us feel good. It connects us. In our day and age of social media, Skype, and other impersonal electronic modes of communication I daresay Mr. Schwartz is right, we don’t get enough physical touch. We don’t get enough connection. I challenge each of us to ponder how we can develop more meaningful relationships through physical touch.
This week, look for opportunities to engage in appropriate, consensual physical touch.
Phillips, R. (2013). The Sacred Hour: Uninterrupted Skin-to-Skin Contact Immediately After Birth. Newborn and Infant Nursing Reviews, 13(2), 67–72. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/ 10.1053/j.nainr.2013.04.001
Widström, A., Brimdyr, K., Svensson, K., Cadwell, K., & Nissen, E. (2019). Skin‐to‐skin contact the first hour after birth, underlying implications and clinical practice. Acta Paediatrica, 108(7), 1192–1204. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/apa.14754
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Elisabeth Gray is from Orem, Utah, but she is currently living in Tulsa, Oklahoma while her husband attends medical school. Betty graduated from Brigham Young University in April of 2016 with a Bachelor of Science in Nursing, and is a Registered Nurse. She has experience with pediatric home health patients, but she currently works from home so she can be with her two-year-old twin girls.
I looked at my husband and said, “I feel left out… I just want to feel included, like I belong.”
His face softened and his heart melted in front of me. I was finally saying something he understood. After more than an hour (yikes!) of hashing out a pretty nasty fight, I had clarity!
I had to really dive deep to find that root emotion. And it was hard to admit it once I realized it. Getting to that moment was hard. But I don’t think it should have been that hard…
I knew there was a better way, and I had an inkling it was about my emotions. After all, John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says that “the more emotionally intelligent a couple—the better able they are to understand, honor and respect each other and their marriage—the more likely they will indeed live happily ever after” (John Gottman, 1999, pp. 3-4).
Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash
Searching for More
To be emotionally intelligent we need to take responsibility for our emotions, recognize they are our own, and then have the courage to share them with others. We must also allow others to do the same. Being vulnerable is critical to understanding emotions but can be potentially heartbreaking. The Rising Strongprocess outlined in Brené Brown’s book of the same title is designed to help us navigate those vulnerable moments with resilience (Brown, 2015, pp. xiv, xvii).
The Rising Strong Process
The Reckoning: Walk into your story – recognize emotion, get curious
The Rumble: Own your story – challenge assumptions, make changes
The Revolution: Write a new ending (Brown, 2015, p. 37)
One major roadblock to this process can be fear, which causes us to disengage. For some, the roadblock of fear is too difficult to overcome. Some “don’t like how difficult emotions feel… [worry] about what people might think… [and] don’t know what to do with discomfort and vulnerability” (p. 50). This can especially be true for men. As this is an important topic, I will be covering it in a separate article next month.
The Stress Response
As I began to dive into the Rising Strong process, trying to identify emotions, all I felt was shame. For me, that was “the fear of disconnection” (Brown, 2007, p. 47).
Shame can be triggered by one of the twelve “shame categories—appearance and body image, motherhood, family, parenting, money and work, mental and physical health, sex, aging, religion, being stereotyped and labeled, and speaking out and surviving trauma” (p. 172).
Which basically covers the majority of marital conflict. Go figure.
Photo from pexels.com
When I feel shame, my heart races, my stomach tightens, and I tend to lash out. It affects my ability to think clearly and I feel very erratic—not my normal self.
Brené hypothesizes that when we “experience shame we are often thrown into crisis mode… that shame can be so threatening… [it] can signal our brains to go into our very primal, ‘fight, flight or freeze’ mode” (Brown, 2007, p. 28). A recent study on the effects of shame on the brain states, “When faced with shame, the brain reacts as if it was facing physical danger and activates the sympathetic nervous system generating the flight/fight/freeze response.” (Davis, 2019)
Was I really behaving like I was being attacked by a lion?! Surely that can’t be right…
But the more I learned about these three different stress responses, the more I could see how my reaction was hindering progress in our marriage. I also realized that my husband and I have different stress responses.
See this great video for more details about the Fight, Flight, Freeze Stress Response.
The Reckoning
Before my light bulb moment, I had walked into an argument with my husband, upset about something he had done. I spent an hour asking him why he had done it, trying to change him. Because my stress reaction is “fight,” I was determined to hash it out until we fixed it. This also means I was too caught up to look inward at myself. At a certain point, he clammed up and went right into the “freeze” stress response because he felt emotionally threatened. It wasn’t until then that I was able to look at myself, and, rather than blame him, actually realize how Ifelt about what had happened.
This is “The Reckoning.” I needed to reflect on how I was feeling, apart from my spouse. I needed to take responsibility for my emotions and subsequent actions. Choosing to reflect apart from my spouse helps me to think clearly without stress or pressure. Be sure you are clear if you choose to take time to think or you will risk the other person assuming you are in a “flight” stress response. Simply saying, “I am feeling a big emotion and I need to sort through it on my own,” or “I know this is an important topic, but I need some time to process first” can be very helpful signals.
The second part of the reckoning is to be curious. I had to begin to ask why I was feeling that way. I had my light bulb moment when I began to question why I was feeling disconnected. When we are curious, we surrender to uncertainty (Brown, Rising Strong, p. 52). This can mean having the courage to say “I don’t know” or even scarier, to deal with deep hurt or darkness. Wanting to dive into this line of questioning can be intimidating, but it is crucial to the reckoning. (pp. 53, 67)
Being curious enough to ask why is “The Reckoning.” Finding the answer to the why is “The Rumble.”
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
The Rumble
1. Be honest about the stories you are telling yourself.
Own your feeling: I feel disconnected.
What is the story you are telling yourself? The story I am telling myself is that if you didn’t include me, you don’t love me.
2. Challenge those assumptions to determine what the truth is and what needs to change.
Ask questions like:
Is this really true?
Do I need more information?
What assumptions am I making?
Do I know enough about the other parties?
What emotion or experience is underneath my response?
What part did I play?
These questions should be personal, embracing awareness and growth (Brown, Rising Strong, 2015, p. 88).
This has been one of the hardest steps for me as these questions can be difficult to answer. Sometimes it takes me minutes, other times weeks, to find the truth beyond my assumptions. The more I practice questioning, the better I get at it. I can even avoid potential misunderstandings by first asking questions. The next step may be to say to your spouse, “This is what I am telling myself. Help me see the truth.”
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The Revolution
Searching for truth without stress was the key. As it turned out, my feelings of disconnection stemmed from a negative teenage memory. And my husband was not intentionally trying to leave me out. I was six months pregnant, tired, and going to bed at 8pm, and he was doing fun things on his own while allowing me to sleep.
Knowing the real story helped us to move forward.
The Rising Strong Process also yielded additional insights. For example, we recognized a greater need for spending more time together. We began writing the next part of our story together. “The Revolution” allows our knowledge to change the way we love one another.
When we see our spouse more fully, we can love them better.
Conclusion
When we continue to believe the “story we are telling ourselves” rather than dive deeper to find the real story, we risk remaining in the same conflict or perhaps only addressing surface-level problems.
There will always be marital conflict, but when we learn to question our own feelings in an emotionally intelligent way, we can build resilience. We can begin to rewrite our marital stories.
So the next time you feel your teeth clench or your heart pound, see it for what it truly is: your body and mind sensing emotional danger. Start by looking inward. Find the trigger. Acknowledge your deepest fears and insecurities. Then, challenge your assumptions. Embrace the real story, and find the courage to act.
You never know how sharing your innermost feelings could strengthen your marriage.
Click here to read parts two and three of The Reckoning and The Rumble series!
Spend some time this week practicing reflecting on how you are feeling, and being curious about why you are feeling those feelings. Be sure to do so OUTSIDE of a conflict.
References
Brown, B. (2007). I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t). New York: Gotham Books.
Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong. New York: Random House.
Melissa discovered her talent for writing in her freshman writing class at BYU. She graduated with a degree in Family Life and then attended Le Cordon Bleu to pursue her dream of baking wedding cakes. After three years of professional baking, she hung up her apron to be a stay at home mom. She lives in Las Vegas with her husband and twin toddlers. She has since rekindled her love of writing and finds time to write while caring for her children.
Melissa has a passion for sharing her knowledge and experiences with other women, to empower them to be their best selves. She writes about faith, family, love and relationships with the occasional baking metaphor.
What are your fears about marriage? Identify and share them with someone you trust. 
