Have you ever seen someone else’s relationship and thought, “I want that”? Whether it’s another couple’s look, the fun they have together, how they serve each other, the love they have for each other, etc., it’s easy to compare yourself and your relationship to what others have. It’s also easy to feel discouraged and think that your relationship will never get to that point.
Knowing what you want in a relationship is an important part of finding a good match for you, as well as creating your dream relationship. However, making positive change requires more than just knowing what you want. Being willing to WORK for what you want is just as critical to molding your relationship into everything that you and your significant other want it to be. The good news is, each of us has the power to work on our relationships and help them move in a forward and upward direction.
Photo by socialcut on Unsplash
In 2020, we at The Healthy Humans Project want to challenge you to make your relationships a priority. Regardless of what your relationship looks like now, you have the power to make some #relationshipgoals that will help you work on connecting with those you love! Here are a few different types of goals you can include as part of your New Year’s Resolutions to work on your relationships!
P.S. These specific goals are written in a way that applies specifically to romantic relationships, but each of them can be modified to fit any important relationship in your life!
#1 – Create A Couple Motto
An important part of relationships is creating a shared identity and defining who you want to be as a couple (Maniaci, 2009). Working together with your significant other to write a motto (“a short sentence or phrase chosen as encapsulating the beliefs or ideals guiding an individual, family, or institution”) can help you identify what is important to you, and what you are working towards creating together! Your motto could just be for this year, or it could be for your relationship as a whole – you get to decide! Be sure to write down your motto and display it somewhere where you and your partner will both see it.
Photo from pexels.com
#2 – Set a Healthy Boundary
Healthy boundaries are critical for healthy relationships (Strong, 2019). Ensuring that your romantic relationship is a safe space (emotionally, physically, mentally, etc.) both for you and for your significant other can be a determining factor in achieving your #relationshipgoals. Consider sitting down with your significant other and discussing boundaries in your relationship. How can you increase physical, emotional, or mental safety for one another? What other outside relationships affect the safety in your relationship, and what changes need to be made to increase that safety? How can you work to protect each other and put each other first? When you work on defining and setting healthy boundaries together, it shows your commitment, love, and respect for one another.
#3 – Sweat the Small Stuff
While large gestures of love and commitment are nice, the quality of your relationship is primarily defined by the small things you do every day to re-commit to each other. Sit down with your partner, and write down a few things you can do every day to check-in and connect. Having a meaningful routine or simple ritual when you part ways in the morning and reunite in the evening can natural times to fit in moments of connection (Gottman, 2015). Physical touch like kisses or hugs and verbal check-ins are examples of small and simple things you can do every day to let your partner know that they matter to you.
Photo from pexels.com
#4 – Dream Together
Research has shown that dreaming about your future together strengthens the chances that you actually WILL have a future together (PREP Inc., 2015). If you want to protect your relationship from falling apart, dream together about what you want to be! What do you want your life together to look like in five, ten, or twenty years? What dreams do you each have as individuals, and how can you support each other in those dreams? What hopes do you have for your family and the life you create together? Set goals for things you can do NOW to help those dreams come to pass.
A final note:
Remember that relationships are two-way efforts! The most effective way to improve your relationship is to work on things together as a couple. If that is not possible for you at this moment, take comfort in knowing that you have power over yourself, and you CAN choose to work on your relationship as an individual.
Choose a goal that you would like to incorporate into your New Year’s Resolutions that focuses specifically on improving one of your relationships!
Maniaci, M. (2009). Couple identity. In H. T. Reis & S. Sprecher (Eds.), Encyclopedia of human relationships(pp. 336-337). Thousand Oaks, CA: SAGE Publications, Inc. https://doi/10.4135/9781412958479.n111
Prep Inc.. (2015). PREP 8.0 Leader Guide, Version 1.3. Greenwood Village, CO: Author.
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
There are a lot of opinions out there about singleness. From books, to movies, to research, to your parents; if you’re a single person, or have ever been a single person, you’ve been there (or are there), wading through a myriad of self-doubt and endless conversations with your friends about what the heck you’re doing wrong.
While it might be easier to write a long list of complaints and frustrations about dating and singlehood, it is my hope to offer some suggestions and guidance to make navigating the massive volcano of singleness a little bit easier. These are three areas that I work on remembering when the fears and frustrations about being single start to creep in.
1. Stop playing the comparison game.
We hear of the dangers of comparison all the time, but why exactly can it be so dangerous? One reason is that comparison is usually inaccurate. We often compare our worst moments to someone else’s best. We take someone else’s relationship at face value, rather than realizing that while romantic relationships can be an incredible well of happiness, being in one doesn’t automatically make it fulfilling or make one happy.
Photo by Chad Madden on Unsplash
There are further dangers in playing the comparison game. In a study by Swallow and Kuiper (1988), they theorized that certain distorted views of the self may arise and be maintained by social comparison. They found evidence that social comparison, that is, using “social information to evaluate [one’s] own abilities and opinions,” can increase depressive symptoms in an individual.
It is especially easy in the current social climate to compare. An increase in the use and availability of social media can make it seem like everyone else is ahead of you, more attractive than you, happier than you, and more successful than you.
A few keys to beating the comparison game? Remind yourself that life isn’t a competition and that you aren’t seeing the whole picture. Work on practicing gratitude for your life and the beautiful things in it. If social media is really getting you down, make a goal to take a break from it for a while.
2. It’s okay to be sad.
Anyone who has talked with me at length knows that I am a big fan of letting yourself feel things. We weren’t made to be happy all the time. It’s such an unrealistic standard. Sometimes being single when we want to be in a relationship is really hard. We struggle and try and it seems fruitless. We see friends and family members get engaged and married and feel keenly the desire to have those same experiences. We want to love and to be loved. Those are worthy and healthy desires.
So, am here to tell you it’s okay to be sad about being single. It’s okay to feel frustrated with dating. It’s okay to think this article you’re reading is dumb and unhelpful. Letting ourselves feel what we feel without judgment, can help us move past those feelings and use them more productively.
Photo from pexels.com
A current form of therapy used by a variety of mental health professionals is called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT. The goal of ACT is not to eliminate difficult feelings, but to sit with them, and work with them. Accepting where you are, here and now, can be incredibly freeing. So, if you need to spend an evening with a bucket of ice-cream wondering why this is so hard, go for it, remembering that what matters at the end of the day is getting up and trying again tomorrow.
3. Romantic relationships aren’t the only ones worth having.
Society loves to put romantic relationships on a pedestal. They become the end all be all of movies, music, and television. Now, I love a good chick-flick every now and then. I also love LOVE. I am in no way disparaging the importance and benefits of romantic relationships and the levels of intimacy they can reach.
However, it’s easy to assume that the only kind of relationships worth having are romantic ones when that is goal of nearly every protagonist in pop-culture, and pop-culture loves to leave out all the hard, disappointing, and frustrating aspects of romantic relationships. Societal and cultural expectations also put a heavy emphasis on romantic relationships, which can add to the stress of being single.
Photo by Simon Maage on Unsplash
Fostering deep and abiding platonic friendships is so important to our overall happiness and wellbeing. Demir and Davidson (2013) found that friendship consistently correlated to happiness, but not just any kind of friendships will do. They postulated that friendships where there was a fulfillment of basic psychological needs, such as connectedness with, and feeling needed by others, were more positively related to happiness.
Developing and maintaining friendships where both parties feel appreciated, needed, and supported is available to us, regardless of romantic attachment. Reach out to the people you love, ask for help and support when you need it, and remember that you are not alone on your journey.
—
There are countless other aspects of being single I could continue to talk about, but I’ll leave you with a short anecdote.
Recently I was talking with a mentoring figure in my life whom I greatly respect. I was venting my frustrations with dating and expressing how hopeless finding a romantic partner can feel sometimes. As I finished expressing my concerns and fears, this wonderful mentor validated my frustrations and told me to never give up. But he wasn’t talking about never giving up on dating, he was telling me to never give up on myself. And that’s the message I’d like to leave with you, never give up on yourself. Wherever your dating journey takes you, I implore you to remember that your worth is not defined by the labels of single or taken.
Choose a non-romantic relationship to nurture and further develop this week.
References
Swallow, S. R., & Kuiper, N. A. (1988). Social comparison and negative self-evaluations: An application to depression. Clinical Psychology Review, 8(1), 55-76.
Vogel, E. A., Rose, J. P., Roberts, L. R., & Eckles, K. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206.
Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour research and therapy, 44(1), 1-25.
Demir, M., & Davidson, I. (2013). Toward a better understanding of the relationship between friendship and happiness: Perceived responses to capitalization attempts, feelings of mattering, and satisfaction of basic psychological needs in same-sex best friendships as predictors of happiness. Journal of Happiness Studies, 14(2), 525-550.
Kaitlin Rodgers graduated with her Bachelor of Science in Sociology with a Minor in Mental Health Advocacy and Awareness from Utah State University. She is incredibly passionate about mental health and has worked with the National Alliance on Mental Illness in various capacities. In her free time, she loves to climb trees, watch way too much Youtube, read books, listen to music, and have deep conversations with her friends and family. She hopes to get a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy to reach her goal of becoming a therapist. She lives in Logan, Utah where she works on enjoying her single life to the fullest extent until she finds her mister.
The first date, the first kiss, the first “I love you”… When you are searching for a romantic partner, it can be really easy to get lost in the moments that make up falling in love. There’s a reason why they say “love is blind”. With all of the rushing hormones that tend to make up the start of a new relationship, it’s no wonder that so many of us find ourselves in relationships with less-than-ideal partners time and time again! So, how do you prevent yourself from falling for someone that may not be good for you in the long run?
Here are four qualities that research has suggested are important to look for (and develop!) if your goal is to have a healthy and happy relationship.
1. Sense of Self
Having a strong sense of self is incredibly important when it comes to creating and maintaining healthy relationships. While Platonic philosophy (and Hollywood, for that matter) would have us believe that there is a perfect soulmate or “other half” for us somewhere out in the world, the reality is that relationships do not complete us (Van Epp, 2008). Healthy relationships consist of two whole people (as whole, of course, as we can be in our imperfect human world) coming together to create something bigger than just the two of them. Now, a strong sense of self does not mean that you have to know exactly what you want in life or how you will get there; many of us meet our partners when we are young, and still trying to get a handle on life! It does mean, however, that you have a pretty good idea of how you relate to the world – you have goals, values, and ideals, and you feel positively about who you are at your core. Having a strong sense of self sets you up for an equal partnership and a relationship between two whole people, confident in their ability to navigate and conquer life together.
Photo from pexels.com
2. Empathy
Empathy is a skill that helps in building trust, deepening connection, increasing understanding, and even resolving conflict. Studies have also found that empathy is positively related to overall relationship satisfaction (Cramer, & Jowett, 2010; Sened et al., 2017), and can help in decreasing depression (Cramer, & Jowett, 2010). When you are in a relationship for the long-haul, you want someone who is going to listen with love, and who will do their best to see things from your perspective, whether or not they agree. Practicing empathy for one another will really help you and your partner as you seek to support one another in your personal and couple goals and dreams, and as you face difficulties together (something that comes in every long-term relationship!).
3. Respects Boundaries
Boundaries create safety in relationships, and safety is critical in any stage of a relationship. In fact, you have to feel safe in order to experience real and meaningful connection! When our minds and bodies feel safe, it “enables us to collaborate, listen, empathize, and connect, as well as be creative, innovative, and bold in our thinking and ideas” (Boeder, 2017). A lack of physical safety (feeling safe from any form of physical danger, including abuse), emotional safety (feeling safe to be open with someone emotionally), or commitment safety (feeling safe in your relationship and trusting that your partner is committed to you) prevents growth in the relationship, and can even lead to serious pain or trauma. If you don’t feel safe with someone, you cannot be yourself around them. If your date or partner does not respect your boundaries, they are not worthy of your trust or your time.
Photo by Tiago Felipe Ferreira on Unsplash
4. Emotional Intelligence
Emotions are a part of every-day life, and, when it comes to feelings, relationships bring the highest of highs and lowest of lows. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand and express our emotions in healthy ways (Mayer, 2004), and is a trait that is positively associated with relationship satisfaction (Malouff, Schutte, & Thorsteinsson, 2013; Schutte, Malouff, & Thorsteinsson, 2013) as well as better mental health (Schutte, Malouff, & Thorsteinsson, 2013). Someone who is emotionally intelligent allows themselves to feel emotions that are both “positive” and “negative”, but doesn’t get stuck in these emotions forever. They have positive coping mechanisms for dealing with their emotions, and they can also separate their own emotions from the emotions of those around them. Finding a partner who knows how to identify, express, and work through their emotions in a positive and productive way will be a major asset as you both navigate the ups and downs of life and committed relationships. Read more about emotional intelligence in relationships in other HHP articles here, here, and here.
But how can you REALLY tell?
These traits are not always easy to identify in everyone you meet, especially if you are just first getting to know someone. So how can you really tell if someone possesses these essential qualities? One answer is T+T+T: Talk (mutual self-disclosure) plus Togetherness (diversified experiences) plus Time (Van Epp, 2008). In general, the more time you spend with someone, the better you get to know them. However, time alone does not ensure a deep or real knowledge of who someone is at their core. The other two elements are key in knowing who someone really is. Make sure that when you are searching for a mate, you spend a significant amount of time together in a wide variety of situations, and that you are both sharing about yourselves in a way that is proportionate to the level of time and trust in your relationship.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
The Golden Rule
Therapist and author Dr. John Van Epp says, “Being the best person you can be is the first step in building a healthy relationship” (Van Epp, 2008). You can’t expect to find a partner who has a strong sense of self, is empathetic, respects your boundaries, and has emotional intelligence if you yourself are not working on developing the same qualities! The good news is, these are traits you can LEARN and PRACTICE. You do not have to be perfect in each of these traits in order to make an eligible partner. However, actively working towards improving in each of these areas guarantees improvement in any of your relationships (not just your romantic ones), and ensures that you will be ready when the right partner who has also been working on developing themself comes along!
It’s important to develop in yourself traits that you would like to find in a mate! Choose one of these four traits you would like to work on developing in yourself, and set one or two goals to help you with this development.
Cramer, D., & Jowett, S. (2010). Perceived empathy, accurate empathy and relationship satisfaction in heterosexual couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(3), 327–349. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407509348384
Malouff, J. M., Schutte, N. S., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Trait Emotional Intelligence and Romantic Relationship Satisfaction: A Meta-Analysis. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 42(1), 53–66. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2012.748549
Sened, H., Lavidor, M., Lazarus, G., Bar-Kalifa, E., Rafaeli, E., & Ickes, W. (2017). Empathic accuracy and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(6), 742–752. https://doi/10.1037/fam0000320
Schutte, N. S., Malouff, J. M., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Increasing Emotional Intelligence through Training: Current Status and Future Directions. The International Journal of Emotional Education 5(1), 56-72.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
“Change isn’t painful. Only the resistance to change is painful.” -Buddha
A popular saying today is “people don’t change.” I’ve heard this idea come up in many conversations with friends and family. Usually, when discussing the behaviors we notice in our relationships, we make generalizations about our loved ones. However, a more accurate assumption is “people don’t change for you.” Below is an analysis of the reality that change is inevitable, yet unpredictable.
How we measure change is flawed
Change is uncomfortable. Humankind generally avoids the uncertain, because it feels unsafe. Because of this, we try to define others in black and white terms. We say things like my spouse is insensitive or I’m just not a patient person or my children are ungrateful, etc. Though the emotions behind such phrases are entirely valid, the statements themselves aren’t necessarily true. Early on we learn to make judgments and give meaning to our circumstances. Up vs. down. Yummy vs. yucky, etc. This antithetical way of thinking can help in the way we interact with the objective, physical world. However, many problems can occur when using the same methods to understand human behavior.
The problem with a fixed mindset regarding behavior is that it classifies people using false dichotomies. That they are either one way or the other. Not only is that limiting, but it’s also unrealistic. We take a similar approach when we measure change. We often put behaviors on a linear path to try and make sense of them. But, more often than not, people defy this path, making data incongruent. Think of addiction recovery, for example. Is the path from addiction to abstinence a straight line for everyone? Of course not. According to Prochaska, such approaches do not accurately represent how people change, and “it leads us to expect that people change quickly.” (1991). Imagine a spiral or a bunch of scribbles in place of a line, and you’ll have a better representation of the change process. Human behavior is too complex to measure objectively.
Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash
We can’t change people
Have you ever entered a relationship hoping or expecting the other person to change? Not only is this unlikely, but it causes unnecessary suffering. I’m sure most of us have gotten caught in the trap of they should change because they love me or because they promised me or because it’s the right thing to do, etc. That mindset is taking their change process and making it about you. Unconsciously, we’ve all tried to change others. When we perceive people’s opinions or actions as harmful to us, we often resort to unhealthy forms of persuasion. Have you ever found yourself thinking we keep having this conversation and nothing changes? Consider if any of the following sounds familiar.
I’ve asked them to (fill in the blank), and they don’t even try.
I’ve asked them to (fill in the blank) and they do it! It only lasts for a short period before they’re back to the same pattern.
I’ve told them to (fill in the blank). Months/years later they do said thing, and believe they came up with it entirely on their own.
The truth is people don’t transform for anyone other than themselves. You might think that’s not true, I’ve changed for loved ones. Don’t I deserve the same courtesy? Though we might think we adjust for others, consider the idea that you initially did it for your own benefit. Something inside you agreed with the request of someone else. You decided it was worth it, or important for the person and you. No one can force a behavior. We all make our own choices in the end. Trying to change people against their will is insanity. We might believe people don’t change because we’ve been unsuccessful at changing them, or vice versa. But, change is an individual experience. Lasting change comes from within us, not from outside people or sources. (Tolle, 1997).
Photo by Linus Nylund on Unsplash
Change happens, but not how we think
Most of the thoughts that drive our behavior aren’t fully conscious. Our brain uses the easiest and most familiar pathways when making decisions. Change requires new pathways in the brain. This is why change feels difficult, and often takes longer than we’d like. “People do not change chronic behaviors quickly.” (Proschaska, 1991).Think back to who you were 5 years ago, 10 years ago. What is the difference? At our core, we feel the same. Yet, notice how you’ve changed your mind in that time. Maybe your spiritual or political beliefs have changed. Perhaps you deal with stress differently. As you ponder how you’ve changed, notice that you’ve changed in ways you didn’t anticipate or plan.
It’s the same with our loved ones. They do change, but in their time and way. Not as we expect. Truthfully, people are constantly changing. Conscious, or not, we are evolving every day. The reason we believe people don’t change is because they do so on their terms. We may change our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors over a long period of time. We can also change our mind overnight. Those close to us can and will change in ways we don’t relate to, or want. This can be frustrating, but remember “If we all thought the same then we wouldn’t need each other.”(Gordon, 2019).
Be better, not bitter
What about when change feels negative? Sometimes we perceive other’s evolution for the worse. Some changes can be life-altering like illness, abuse, death, trauma, divorce, and addiction. When change hurts, grieve it. Allow yourself to feel fully, and take steps toward healing. This could be through methods like meditation, therapy, exercise, eating well, spirituality and connecting/relying on loved ones. Then, when you’re ready, consider do I want to be better or bitter as a result of this?
Photo by Richard Jaimes on Unsplash
My sister expressed that early on in her marriage she felt worried about some changes in the way her husband viewed certain things. She told him, “I chose you because I thought you were safe.” They both worked through this by seeking to understand each other, and she came to realize that she was trying to make uncertain things certain. She was keeping him in a box because that felt like less of a risk. In letting go she now views their differing opinions as a good, helpful thing. Some people have thoughts like he/she’s not the person I married or I don’t know them anymore. Well, of course they’re not. Who you know now will be different later on. “An identity, a sense of permanency – is a recipe for frustration and suffering.” (Tolle, 1997). Allow yourself and others to change in the ways they choose. It is freeing for them and you.
In conclusion, let go. Release the need for permanency and allow life and others to shift. People surprise us. Embrace a mindset of faith in the unknown and the beauty of evolution. Don’t expect people to change, but be open to the notion that they likely will in arbitrary ways. Practice the perspective given by Donte Collins: “A lover doesn’t discourage your growth. A lover says, ‘I see who you are today, I cannot wait to see who you become tomorrow.’”
Practice observing people’s behavior without making a judgment. Express joy and gratitude for your loved ones when they make changes, even when it feels uncomfortable.
References
Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable.” – C.S. Lewis
As I have discussed in my previous two articles here and here, Brené Brown’s Rising Strong Process helps us move through conflict and emotions. Our final step is one of the most impactful ways we relate to our spouse: empathy. But giving or receiving empathy first requires vulnerability. We experience vulnerability when we face uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure (Brown, 2007).
In our marriages, vulnerability can be felt by both partners. It is sometimes a last resort after trying every other comfortable, non-emotionally exposed way to solve a conflict (Brown, Rising Strong, 2017). Vulnerability is scary, but when we respond in empathy we say “I can hear this. This is hard or uncomfortable for me, but I can sit here with you and hear your story.” (Brown, 2007)
Steps to Empathy (Brown, 2007):
Being able to see the world as others see it
Being nonjudgmental
Understanding another person’s feelings
Communicating your understanding of that person’s feelings
When we are truly empathetic, we allow a safe physical and emotional space for our spouse to open up. When a spouse is confident their feelings and fears will be met with understanding and love, it is easier for them to share. That is why vulnerability is the pathway to empathy; “sharing our stories allows us the opportunity to connect and experience empathy” (Brown, 2007) – especially from our spouse.
If you find vulnerability or empathy is new territory, be honest. Say “I know this is hard for you to tell me, but it is also hard for me to hear. Can we go slowly?” Or perhaps ask for the conversation to happen in more than one sitting.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Expressing empathy can be more difficult for men because it includes being vulnerable. Because of societal gender norms, showing emotions in this way can be viewed as weak. Gus Worland, founder of Man Up (a nonprofit in Australia), is determined to educate about the risks of men staying silent – assuring them that to truly “man up,” is to share. Wives, if this is something your husband struggles with, encourage and assure him that there is strength in vulnerability. But also seek to be patient and meet him where he is.
“If we judge ourselves harshly and are incapable or unwilling to acknowledge our emotions, we can struggle in our relationships with others. We have to know and accept ourselves before we can know and accept others.” (Brown, 2007) We can encourage our spouses and help them learn to be empathetic, but don’t push them where they are not ready. As much as we hope to receive empathy from our spouse, also be sure to extend empathy to your spouse. Those who both give and receive empathy are more resilient in relationships. (Brown, 2007)
If you are having a hard time understanding what empathy is in real terms, watch this animated video (we’ve shared this before, but it’s a really good one!).
Photo by Christina Rivers on Unsplash
Misconceptions about empathy
How can I be empathetic if I didn’t experience the same things?
We may not know what it is like to be a black woman in an all-white law firm, but we most likely can relate to feeling left out, alone or belittled. The key to empathy is to hone in on the emotion, not necessarily the situational details. (Brown, 2007) “Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” (Brown, 2007)
Love, then fix.
Some spouses really like to fix things, and sometimes their partner just wants to be listened to. (Like with this nail.) For the partner seeking empathy, recognize that while your partner may not always be able to name or understand how you are feeling, the fact that they are reaching out to fix the problem indicates that they see your pain and want to ease it. Meet your spouse where they are, and appreciate any help. Also help them understand that offering empathy first may make someone more receptive to help. For the partner seeking to fix, try slowing down, listening, and asking your partner when they share, “are you wanting me to help you find solutions right now, or are you just wanting empathy?”
Does it excuse behavior?
To show understanding is not to condone. Empathy is the right path towards positive change because it helps us know that we are more than our mistakes. It says, “you are not alone in your struggles, and we are in this together.”
Photo by Justin Groep on Unsplash
In the same way that empathy is the antidote to shame, lack of empathy often results in shame. Not just guilt, but shame. Guilt sounds like “I made a mistake” and shame sounds like “I am a mistake.” While shame does not motivate change, guilt is a very strong motivator (Brown, 2007). In a recent longitudinal study, 380 5th graders were measured in their proneness for shame. At age 18, those with just guilt-proneness predicted less delinquency, while those who were shame-prone were more likely to have unprotected sex, use illegal drugs and had more involvement in the criminal justice system (Stuewig, 2016). When we use shame as a motivator for behavioral change, it will have lasting negative effects. “How can we apologize for something we are, rather than something we did?” (Lerner, 2001) Shame defines us, but guilt is only part of us. Empathy can give us the confidence and support to positively change without shame.
It can be easy to confuse sympathy and empathy. Empathy is having the courage to reach across the world to understand someone else. Sympathy is when we look at others from our side of the world and feel sorry for them (Brown, 2007). We see their hurt and say “I’m sorry that this happened to you, but let’s be clear; I am over here and you are over there.” (Brown, 2007) Sympathy exacerbates shame and is about separation rather than compassion and connection.
Sympathy-seeking
When someone else is seeking sympathy, it can be easy to spot: “Feel sorry for me because I’m the only one this is happening to” or “my situation is worse than yours!” People seeking sympathy are not looking for empathy or connection, but rather for confirmation of their uniqueness. (Brown, 2007)This can feel like a no-win situation, especially in marriage. “One the one hand they are telling us they have it worse than anyone…. But they are [still] looking for our validation…which rarely produces real connections.” (Brown, 2007)
However, sympathy-seeking can be hard to spot in ourselves—especially in marital conflict. To combat this, ask yourself what you seek when you open up: connection or confirmation of uniqueness? It can be easy to resort to sympathy-seeking because both require sharing. We use the guise of vulnerability to disconnect. Sympathy-seeking is usually about over-sharing or making a spectacle of ourselves and not vulnerability. True “vulnerability is not live-tweeting your bikini wax. Vulnerability is about trust, intimacy, and connection. We share with people who have earned the right to hear the story.” (Oprah.com) And hopefully, that is your spouse.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Empathy in Marriage
Empathy can be especially difficult in marriage as we often have different perspectives – especially due to gender differences and families of origin. In my case, opposites attract. I am from the west coast; my husband is from the east coast. Despite our similarities, differences in our background can cause problems. We come from different life views and family experiences. This is where we have to be wary of sympathy-seeking and other disconnection tactics because of differences between spouses.
But I think this is also why empathy can also be so powerful in a marriage. When we can truly show love and step into another person’s shoes, we show our dedication to loving our spouse through understanding and listening. Women especially find more satisfaction in marriage when there is more empathy (Waldinger, 2004).
Revolution
The final step of the Rising Strong process is Revolution. It gives us a new vision of what is possible. When we can dig into our stories, personal and shared, we can make way for more authenticity, learning, wisdom, and bravery because of our vulnerabilities and “dark emotions” (Platek, 2018). And we can find power when we foster empathy in our marriages.
“Every human must be able to view the self as complex and multidimensional. When this fact is obscured, people wrap themselves in layers of denial in order to survive.” (Lerner, 2001) But “to love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to keep it intact, you must give it to no one.” (Lewis, 1960)
When we do not share ourselves we lose the chance to experience empathy (Brown, 2007). When we do not share with our spouses, we lose the chance to be fully loved and to love fully. We miss the chance to share every complex, multidimensional, broken, uncivilized, messy, beautifully human part of ourselves. Love is about vulnerability; you could get hurt, or you could be healed. Each step of the Rising Strong process can be terrifying, but it can also be transforming. Have the courage to connect through all of it—and Rise Strong together.
Practice perspective-taking by looking at the people around you and giving them a story. Where are they from? What are their favorite foods, hobbies, friends? What do their realtionships look like? What kinds of struggles have they been through? What do they have in common with you? Really get inside their heads and their lives! This exercise will hopefully help you to better understand that everyone has a story. When we seek to understand the stories of those around us, we will better be able to empathize and love them.
Brown, B. (2017). Rising Strong. New York: Random House.
Jeffrey Stuewig, J. P. (2016). Children’s Proness to Shame and Guilt Predict Risky and Illegal Behaviors in Young Adulthood. Child Psychiatry Human Development , 217-227.
Lerner, H. (2001). The Dance of Connection: How to talk to someone when you’re mad, hurt, angry, scared, frustrated, insulted, betrayed or desperate. New York: Harper Collins.
Waldinger, R. (2004). Reading Others’ Emotions: The Role of Intuitive Judgements in Predicting Marital Satisfaction, Quality, and Stability. Journal of Family Psychology , 58-71.
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Melissa discovered her talent for writing in her freshman writing class at BYU. She graduated with a degree in Family Life and then attended Le Cordon Bleu to pursue her dream of baking wedding cakes. After three years of professional baking, she hung up her apron to be a stay at home mom. She lives in Las Vegas with her husband and twin toddlers. She has since rekindled her love of writing and finds time to write while caring for her children. Melissa has a passion for sharing her knowledge and experiences with other women, to empower them to be their best selves. She writes about faith, family, love and relationships with the occasional baking metaphor.
Choose a goal that you would like to incorporate into your New Year’s Resolutions that focuses specifically on improving one of your relationships!
Kaitlin Rodgers graduated with her Bachelor of Science in Sociology with a Minor in Mental Health Advocacy and Awareness from Utah State University. She is incredibly passionate about mental health and has worked with the National Alliance on Mental Illness in various capacities. In her free time, she loves to climb trees, watch way too much Youtube, read books, listen to music, and have deep conversations with her friends and family. She hopes to get a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy to reach her goal of becoming a therapist. She lives in Logan, Utah where she works on enjoying her single life to the fullest extent until she finds her mister.
Melissa discovered her talent for writing in her freshman writing class at BYU.