We’ve all seen the tabloids at the grocery store checkout, “best sex of your life!!!” or “positions that will make him hot” and other variations of the same message that are frequent attention grabbers on the covers of Cosmopolitan magazine and others of the like. What really constitutes great sex though? Sexual positions? Let’s be honest, not all of us are Olympic gymnasts so there are really only so many variations of the same basic, and frankly more comfortable, positions. Is it the number of orgasms? What is it?
Researchers have asked this same question and the results might surprise you. Great sex has only a little to do with orgasm and nothing to do with exotic sex positions. The researchers found that “great sex” is composed of seven major components with two minor components or considerations (Kleinplatz et al., 2009).
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Component #1: Being Present, Focused, and Embodied
The first and most commonly reported component identified was “being present, focused and embodied” during the sexual experience (Kleinplatz et al., 2009). In other words, don’t be thinking about the pile of dishes in the sink or how the lawn needs to be mowed or about problems at work. Be present. Be mentally there as you engage in the experience of sex with your loved one.
Component #2: Connection, Alignment, and Being in Synch
This implies a depth of connection. That’s right, hook-ups probably aren’t going to result in truly great sex, but sex in a relationship where you have invested time, energy, and emotion will. In order to create this deep connection, Dr. Sue Johnson has prescribed caregiving and attention to one’s spouse or partner (Johnson & Zucarini, 2010). It may seem simplistic but it rings true; time, investment, and care for one another serve to deepen emotional connections which then intensify the sexual experience.
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Component #3: Deep Sexual and Erotic Intimacy
While this component may sound a bit more predictable, what does it actually mean though apart from engaging in sex? In the study, one woman described this as feeling “loved and wanted, accepted and cherished” by her husband (Kleinplatz et al., 2009). It is one thing to be “loved and wanted, accepted and cherished” in general and it is another thing to receive that kind of devotion in the sexual sphere. Sex is deeply personal and one of the very most intimate acts we can engage in as human beings, demonstrating acceptance and devotion to one’s partner in sex creates a deeper kind of intimacy.
Component #4: Extraordinary Communication and Heightened Empathy
It might be that you and your partner feel this deep emotional and sexual connection to one another but there is no way of knowing and trusting in that without extraordinary communication and heightened empathy. So what is it that makes communication extraordinary? The study described this superior form of communication as a couple’s “complete sharing of themselves, both verbally and non-verbally, with their partners before, during and after sexual encounters” (Kleinplatz et al., 2009). Emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy and satisfaction have shown to be deeply connected (Yoo et al., 2014); sharing your feelings and personal experiences with your partner are a great way to heighten your emotional connection. It is also important to recognize that this kind of complete sharing also requires a complete form of listening and acceptance.
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Component #5: Being Authentic, Genuine, Transparent and Uninhibited
While this concept may seem similar to the complete sharing of extraordinary communication, it differs in the way that it is a feeling of freedom to be yourself with your partner rather than an act of communication. This can come in many forms such as confidence in your partner’s love for you, trust that your partner does find you attractive, or a self-assurance that you are a competent lover. True authenticity in couple and sexual relationships enables the couple to “let go” during the sexual experience and freely enjoy it for what it is.
Component #6: Exploration, Interpersonal Risk-Taking, and Fun
I think that far too often in life we forget to have fun and enjoy the moments we are in. Dr. Sue Johnson once called sex a “safe adventure” (Johnson, 2015) and it’s true; when we have invested time and energy and love into a relationship, we are free to enjoy the safe adventure of sex. Take the time to explore with one another. Is there something that you’ve always wanted to try? Suggest it to your partner! Is there a new position you heard about? Suggest it and try it if your partner is willing. Enjoy the experience and allow yourself to let go and feel comfortable in doing so.
Component #7: Vulnerability and Surrender
In my opinion, being vulnerable is one of the hardest things to do. On vulnerability researcher Brené Brown has said, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control of the outcome… it’s not a weakness; it’s the greatest measure of courage.” True vulnerability allows us to let go of ourselves into the hands of another person and creates a couple-focused approach to the sexual experience.
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The two minor elements of great sex are orgasm and “chemistry” or physical attraction to one another. So much emphasis is placed on these two factors in the tabloids and in books and movies, but the research has shown that they are barely contributing factors. The good news in all of this is that the most important components of great sex are things we can work to CREATE. We can work as couples to be present in the sexual experience, we can work to become more aligned, we can work to improve our communication and listening skills, we can work on being authentic and being ourselves. We don’t have to wish for better sexual chemistry or hope for an intense orgasm to have a great and bonding sexual experience.
Discuss this article with your partner and analyze your sexual relationship. Choose one component of great sex that you can improve on this week with your partner.
Not currently sexually active? Consider choosing a component that you can practice NOW either on your own, or in one of your relationships, such as being present, strengthening communication, or empathy.
Johnson, S. & Zuccarini, D. (2010). Integrating sex and attachment in emotionally focused couple therapy. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 36(4), 431-445.
Kleinplatz, P. J., Ménard, D. A., Paquet, M. P., Paradis, N., Campbell, M., Zuccarino, D., & Mehak, L. (2009) The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of “great sex”. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality 18(1-2), 1-13.
Yoo, H., Bartle-Haring, S., Day, R. D., & Gangamma, R. (2014). Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(4), 275–293. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2012.751072
Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma is currently a Family Life major with an emphasis in social work at BYU. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
Therapists say that communication is the number one reason that couples come to therapy. Luckily, good communication can be learned. It may take practice, but here are some tips to get you started:
1. Active listening
WE ARE ALL GUILTY OF THIS. Do not just sit there thinking of what you are going to say in response to what your partner is saying. The greatest thing is that this is such an amazing skill for all of the relationships in your life. If someone is telling you about how they got in a fight with their mom, you should be listening to how they feel, not just half-paying attention, half-solving the problem in your mind and inserting your unwanted opinion. This is key: if a person does not ask you for advice or a solution, DO NOT GIVE IT. Men especially like to be problem solvers, but a lot of the time, women just want to talk about their feelings.
2. Use facts, not opinions (and know the difference)
If you are in a conflict, be aware of how you are speaking. Relationship experts Drs Sherod and Phyllis Miller have created a fun visualization to help you do this in their “Couple Communication Awareness Wheel”. In their program, “Couple Communications” (2018), you are encouraged to separate between what is feeling, what is thought, what is a want, what is action, and what came through sensory data. These are all very, very different things. Just because you take something as fact in your story does not mean that it is fact, or that your loved one will perceive it in the same way.
Awareness Wheel created by Drs Sherod and Phyllis Miller for their program, Couple Communications (2018).
3. Ask
This goes along well with active listening and really boils down to showing genuine interest in what your partner has to say. Express that interest throughout your conversation. Don’t interrupt when you shouldn’t be, but when it makes sense, ask for their perspective or for clarification. Take turns sharing points of view. There are many different ways to listen, but making sure that you are engaging in the conversation by showing genuine interest will help you master communication.
4. Reinforce and agree
Focus on what you agree on. The act of engaging in a difficult conversation alone is a pretty good sign that you want the relationship to succeed. That’s your first common ground. Let your partner know when you support what they are saying. Paraphrase what they are telling you so that you can make sure you’re on the same page. Reinforce their feelings – because they are as valid as yours are.
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5. Intimacy
I’m not just talking about sex, people. There are so many different types of intimacy. Yes, sexual intimacy is one, but there is also physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, experiential intimacy, intellectual intimacy, and even spiritual intimacy. Each is important in its own way, and each is important to build a healthy relationship. Intimacy, in its simplest form, is trust. If you are able to trust your significant other with your emotions, your experiences, and your spirit, things will be okay. Working on building this trust in small ways over time will pay off in a big way as these conversations come about.
Finally, knowing the personality and communication style differences between you and a loved one can help you better be aware of the best means of communication. Being able to reach out to someone in the way that is best for them can help create a relationship of trust that good communication can only build upon.
Take one of the personality tests below with a loved one (whether your relationship is a romantic one or not) to strengthen your ability to communicate love and respect for one another.
Friston, K. J., Sajid, N., Quiroga-Martinez, D. R., Parr, T., Price, C. J., & Holmes, E. (2021). Active listening. Hearing Research, 399. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.heares.2020.107998
Meyer, J. C. (2014). Communication, relationships, and the choices we make. Southern Communication Journal, 79(3), 172–179. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/1041794X.2014.914420
Miller, S., Wackman, D., Nunnally, E., & Miller, P. (2018). Couple Communication. Retrieved from http://couplecommunication.com/.
Patterson, K., Grenny, J., & Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial Conversations. New York: McGraw-Hill.
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
Though Valentine’s Day is a day to share and express love to significant others, it also carries the obligation for romance and gift-giving which can be stressful, particularly to men (Otnes, et al., 1994). Gift-giving is symbolic. Gifts are representations of the emotions and meanings we attach to our relationships and the people we share them with (Ward & Broniarczyk, 2011). The awareness of this symbolism (even if subconscious) combined with the obligation surrounding Valentine’s Day, can increase the pressure.
Why the anxiety?
Questions of whether gifts are sufficient, significant and meaningful enough actually call into question our sense of identity. Believe it or not, when we give gifts, we are outwardly expressing our identities. In fact, studies have shown that people buy gifts that are congruent with their identity, and when they buy gifts contrary to that representation, even mildly (like a gift on someone’s registry), they experience anxiety and question their sense of identity security. This is why we experience stress around gift-giving (Ward & Broniarczyk, 2011).
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Naturally, the gift-receiver experiences anxiety when a gift from someone doesn’t match their identity. Receivers of gifts are expected to be polite and accepting. Gifts are generally a representation of what someone thinks of us. When we receive a gift that is an identity mismatch, we question why the giver gave us that particular gift, usually subconsciously (Ward & Broniarcyzk, 2011, Ruffle, 1999). Receiving gifts is emotional: while surprise and joy are examples of the ideal, pride, embarrassment or disappointment are also emotions receivers may have to navigate (Ruffle, 1999).
But gifts are still important, so…
Having said all of this, gifts are also a lot of fun and can be incredibly meaningful. Gifts are a manifestation of intimacy, and receiving gifts that depict that furthers a sense of connection and intimacy with partners (Ward & Broniarcyzk, 2011 & Otnes, et al., 1994). Here are a few simple ways to lessen the pressure around Valentine’s Day gifts.
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1. Simple is often better. Don’t worry about making things extravagant. The thought behind a gift is often more important than the gift itself.
2. Stick to a budget but balance that with sacrifice. People report that gifts a person sacrificed for (not in money necessarily but through time or in the form of service) can be particularly meaningful (Otnes, et al., 1994, Ruffle, 1999). It’s okay to be low-cost, but don’t be cheap. I don’t just mean cheap in terms of dollar signs, but in terms of time and thought. It’s always obvious when someone didn’t put thought into what is supposed to be a meaningful gift.
3. Valentine’s Day is the day to be sentimental and representational, so think about favorite memories or qualities you love about your significant other. Symbols of your relationship are particularly meaningful, dare I even say romantic. Like I said, these things can be simple. If my husband bought me a sleeve of Maria’s cookies and a 2 liter of grape soda and took me to a park to look at the stars or watch fireworks, that wouldn’t mean anything to you, but it would be very special to me.
4. Include self-gifts in your plans (Otnes, 1994). This doesn’t mean be selfish. Planning activities and food you both enjoy can take the pressure off of activities. This principle, not just romance, is part of why couples enjoy sex as a common part of Valentine’s Day festivities (Otnes et al., 1994).
5. If you know that Valentine’s Day or gift-giving creates stress for your partner, give them ideas. Be specific about what you do and don’t want.
Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy connecting!
Enjoy this Valentine’s Day by making gift-giving meaningful and practicing letting go of the pressure.
References
Morse, K. A., & Neuberg, S. L. (2004). How do holidays influence relationship processes and outcomes? Examining the instigating and catalytic effects of Valentine’s Day. Personal Relationships, 11(4), 509–527. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2004.00095.x
Otnes, C., Ruth J.A., & Milbourne, C.C. (1994). “The Pleasure and Pain of Being Close: Men’s Mixed Feelings About Participation in Valentine’s Day Gift Exchange”, in NA – Advances in Consumer Research Volume 21, eds. Chris T. Allen and Deborah Roedder John, Provo, UT: Association for Consumer Research, Pages: 159-164.
Ruffle, B. J. (1999). Gift giving with emotions. Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization, 39(4), 399–420. https://doi-10.1016/s0167-2681(99)00048-7
Ward, M. K., & Broniarczyk, S. M. (2011). It’s Not Me, It’s You: How Gift Giving Creates Giver Identity Threat as a Function of Social Closeness. Journal of Consumer Research, 38(1), 164–181. https://doi-10.1086/658166
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Many of us are familiar with Dr. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages. These love languages represent the way we prefer to receive love in our close relationships, and include five categories: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. While learning and communicating our preferred love languages can be an enlightening way to unlock deeper trust and connection in our relationships with others, I have been pondering the powerful potential of how these love languages can change our relationships with ourselves.
Not all of us are in situations where people we love are frequently showing us the love we need and deserve through our preferred love language. Whether you are single, working through difficulties in your relationship, or simply living away from close friends and family, sometimes the only person that we can rely on to show us consistent and careful love is US.
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So how can we learn to better speak our love language in our relationship with ourselves? As with any other situation in which we are seeking to strengthen our communication skills, the first step involves gaining understanding, and the second, practice! In order to show yourself love in your preferred love language, you have to know what that preferred love language is! It requires a little self-awareness and a knowledge of your own needs and desires. This quiz from Dr. Chapman’s website is a great tool to help you figure out your love language if you are having trouble identifying it on your own.
* Note: Your primary love language for how you like to receive love from others may be different from how you like to receive love from yourself (what I like to call your self-love language). Try out different things, and learn what works the best for you!
After you know how you like to receive love, you have the power to start practicing showing that love to yourself! Intentionally work activities into your routine that give you time to show yourself love and compassion in the way that you like to receive it most.
Here are some ideas for how you can show yourself love in your preferred self-love language (there are lots more – get creative!):
The words we say have power – especially the ones we say to ourselves. Regardless of your preferred self-love language, each of us can benefit from speaking kinder and more loving words to ourselves! If Words of Affirmation is your preferred self-love language, these little efforts will make a big difference in strengthening your relationship with yourself.
Practice thinking kind thoughts about yourself.
Write yourself a love letter.
Listen to your favorite music, book, or poetry.
Implement positive affirmations into your daily routine.
Individuals who prefer acts of service are often very other-focused and are constantly worried about the needs of those around them. How often do you really think about your needs and do something nice for yourself? If you need someone to give you permission, then here you go!
Ask yourself what you need today, and then go do it.
Say “no” to something unnecessary on your “to-do” list.
Perform a service for someone else (alright, alright, sometimes, this is just what you need to feel a little extra love in your day!).
Giving a meaningful gift is not always about how much money it costs; it’s more about the thought that goes into getting and giving the gift. Take some time to think about your needs, and treat yourself to something that will be meaningful to you!
Budget some money each month to buy yourself a small gift.
The love language of Physical Touch is all about physical experience and connecting to your body. A great way to show yourself love in ways that relate to physical touch is by connecting to your senses, and by showing your body some extra love.
Give yourself a foot, hand, or neck massage (or splurge a little and get a professional massage). This is a great video to help guide you through some simple and relaxing self-massage!
Take a bath and be sure to use your favorite bath salts, bath bombs, or essential oils.
When you date someone else, you make sure to spend a lot of time with them so you can get to know them. But are we willing to do the same for ourselves? Spending time to re-connect with yourself and get to know who you are in the present moment can be so healing and enlightening. Take some time to get to know yourself better today!
Take yourself out on a date.
Spend some time out in nature.
Implement a meditation practice into your day.
Go on an adventure and try something you have always wanted to try.
Regardless of your situation, you deserve love, and practicing self-love is a great way to guarantee that you will get it! Get to know your preferred self-love language and start showing yourself some love more intentionally today!
Discover your self-love language, and implement one practice to show yourself some love this week.
Bunt, S., & Hazelwood, Z. J. (2017). Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self‐regulation, and relationship satisfaction. Personal Relationships, 24(2), 280–290. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/pere.12182
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
How can I stop being afraid of relationships? Fear is a universal emotion, and perhaps the most resisted. Our current age provides us with constant and limitless information. This access to data can also generate anxiety. Sometimes the more advice we get the less sure we are of life’s choices. A major, modern concern is in regard to relationships. Have you ever felt scared of marriage after hearing about your friend’s messy divorce? Or wanted to end things after something was said or done that reminded you of a past disappointment? The majority of people will say they desire connection and a romantic partnership, but the uncertainty in achieving that goal often keeps us from trying. While fear is a normal part of life, it does not have to be crippling.
Fear of relationships doesn’t actually protect us from the challenges in relationships. Understanding fear can improve our bonds with others. Leaning into the emotion and asking yourself how this perception came to be will start you on the path to bravery. Fear of fear will hinder our growth. Owning our fear and seeking to understand it gives us back our power.
Fear or Uncertainty
Fear is meant to fuel an action that creates more safety. When we feel unease, we usually avoid the environment that triggered the feeling. Often we bypass associating with others because we’d like to feel sure. However, we cannot be certain of a person unless we make an attempt to connect with them. This is why many individuals who fear relationships feel that the process is a catch-22. In the book The Four Loves it states, “There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one…But [your heart] will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell” (Lewis, 1960).
Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash
The reality is, no matter how knowledgeable or prepared we may feel for relationships, there will always be a risk. We take risks all the time. We risk getting out of bed each morning. We risk rejection when we interview for a new job. We risk our safety when we drive on the road, or get on a plane. While the outcome of such decisions aren’t always in our control, we still take action. Why? Because we’ve practiced. We’ve practiced the choices of ambiguity enough to have hope in the process of life. The way to fear relationships less is to practice this same hope in our experiences with others. Relationships involve discomfort and uncertainty. We will experience hurt in and out of relationships. So, what motivates us to participate in this connection process if it is never a guaranteed safe experience?
We Are Meant to Love
“We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering” (Brown, 2012). The reason we engage in such a risky process as connection is because it’s at the core of life’s meaning. It gives flavor and joy to our lives. It also brings disappointment and challenges. But real suffering comes in avoiding connection altogether. We all need each other if we want to grow.
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Be Brave and Choose Hope
The brain is programmed to protect. This is normal and necessary for our survival. The emotion of fear is nothing more than a chemical reaction working its way through the body as a result of a thought in our mind (Moore, 2018). So, how do we be brave in our ties with others? It starts with our thinking. We have tens of thousands of thoughts a day, and the majority tend to be negative and repetitive. Unless we make those unconscious beliefs conscious, we will be controlled by them. Like Earl Nightingale said, “Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become reality” (Nightingale, 2019). Thought work can be arduous, but just like all good things, it is worth it.
Thinking Errors are patterns of thought that engender fear and other difficult emotions (Boyes, 2013). Patterns such as catastrophizing, all-or-nothing thinking, and fortune-telling are a few of the ways in which our thoughts do us a disservice. When fearful thoughts about others arise ask yourself, “what real evidence is there that this thought is true?”, “Is there a more helpful way to think about this?”, “What’s the likelihood that this will happen?” Remember: don’t believe everything you think. I’m not suggesting that we don’t trust ourselves. Quite the opposite. Our gut knows more than our mind at times. Rather, observe if your thinking is accurate or exaggerated. The more honest you are, the more you can trust yourself. The way we show up for others is deeply based on our thinking. If we fear them, we will show up defensive, worried and insecure. If we choose hope and value the process of connection, we will show up in a way that is honest, vulnerable, and joyful (Moore, 2018).
Photo by Kate Kalvach on Unsplash
So, how can we stop fearing connection? Practice. Take small steps of vulnerability with those who matter to you. Trust is built up of many small and proactive efforts. Start viewing connection in a realistic way. Be the watcher of your thoughts (Tolle, 1997). Notice your errors in thinking, and switch to more helpful ideas. Yes, there will be discomfort and conflict in relationships. It may hurt, and things may even end. But that’s no reason not to try. Let go. Be brave. And recognize that most people have similar fears, but want to love and connect as well. Uncertainty is uncomfortable, but we can handle discomfort. Especially when such risks can lead us to deep and meaningful connections.
Practice mindfulness around your relationship thoughts this week. Study the thinking errors, and pick the one you’d like to work on. As fear arises in the mind walk yourself through your thoughts and feelings by asking yourself the questions in the “be brave” section above. Repeat this de-escalation process until it’s a habit.
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
Discuss this article with your partner and analyze your sexual relationship. Choose one component of great sex that you can improve on this week with your partner.
