Love, Me, Mental Notes, Power Couples

Grieving After a Miscarriage

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Cover photo by John Looy on Unsplash

Written by McKay Strong
Around 15% of pregnancies in the United States result in a miscarriage (Swanson et al., 2009). A miscarriage — sometimes called a “spontaneous abortion” — occurs when there is a sudden loss of pregnancy prior to the 20th week. So many factors go into the creation and growth of a fetus, and yet often, the cause of a pregnancy loss can never truly be identified. Although there has been an increase in the discussion surrounding miscarriages, it seems that many women are unaware of both the physical and psychological impacts of a miscarrying (Mcgee et al., 2018). Not only is there a lack of knowledge, but there is a stigma surrounding miscarriages and pregnancy loss. Although a large part of a miscarriage involves medical symptoms, focusing only on that neglects the psychological and relational aspects as well.
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Photo by Drew Hays on Unsplash
Research shows that following a miscarriage, women, in particular, tend to experience “an initial shock, … ongoing symptoms, and … a forever missing piece” (Mcgee et al., 2018). If you have ever experienced a miscarriage, feeling an overwhelming sense of grief is normal. From the moment a woman (or a couple) finds out that they are expecting, their entire mindset changes. They begin preparing for a child’s arrival. They discuss baby names, they buy cute infant clothes. Every thought tends to revolve around the upcoming addition to their family. “Grieving a miscarriage [tends] to be difficult because [there are] no accepted ritual[s] for processing grief…” (Mcgee et al.,2018). And unfortunately, many feel like they need to suffer in silence. 
When a child is lost earlier in a pregnancy, parents-to-be are expected to accept it and easily move on. If neither the mother- nor father-to-be has felt their unborn child, or even had an ultrasound or heard a heartbeat, those outside of the relationship may think there is nothing to mourn.

Miscarriage

As someone who has lost multiple members of my immediate family, I can tell you that losing an unborn child is a completely different type of loss. I don’t think there is a way to prepare yourself to go through it, so just be patient and don’t be afraid to feel what you are feeling.
In their research study, McGee, PettyJohn, & Gallus found that, “Nine out of the ten women described a sense of isolation following miscarriage” (2018). Because women do experience so many physical symptoms of pregnancy, even if they have a male partner in the picture, mothers-to-be tend to feel isolated. Men have a hard time understanding what women are experiencing physically, and because men are mourning the potential of fatherhood, not motherhood, women tend to have a more difficult time understanding their pain in turn. Miscarrying tests a partnership in a different way than any other trial can. Be sure to give each other room to grieve in whatever way each of you needs, and be patient with one another. Share how you are feeling, seek to express empathy, and don’t hesitate to just cry together. 
Pregnancy or even trying to get pregnant after a miscarriage can be especially difficult. Not only can your body exhibit different symptoms, but there also tends to be deep-ingrained anxiety. It’s hard not to expect and assume you will miscarry again. These feelings are real and valid, but it is best to acknowledge why you are feeling this way and practice ways to help calm your fears. Discussing your anxieties with your partner or a loved one is a good place to start. What are your biggest fears in regards to pregnancy? How much of that stems from your experience miscarrying? Don’t be afraid to feel what you are feeling. 
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Photo by cottonbro from Pexels
If you have gone through a miscarriage, stillbirth, or pregnancy loss of any kind, please know that you are not alone, no matter how it may seem. You may be 1 in 4 women, but you are so much more than a statistic. That was your baby, and it’s okay to not be okay – no matter how long ago you may have experienced this. Time may not heal your wounds completely, but it will help you better understand what you are feeling. There is no specific way to grieve, and it is okay to feel angry or sad or even indifferent. 
Pregnancy loss may be common, but that doesn’t make your experience any less significant. Don’t be afraid to reach out to those around you if you are going through a miscarriage. Be patient with yourself and your body. Additionally, be patient with your partner and try your best to understand their experiences through a pregnancy loss.
Personal Practice 1Self: If you feel comfortable doing so, write down your experience with miscarriage. You can share this with others if you want, but try to reflect on how you may have felt during that time.
Others: If you yourself have not experienced a pregnancy loss, but know of someone who has, reach out to them. Be willing to listen and be prepared to talk about the baby.

References

Brin, D. J. (2004). The use of rituals in grieving for a miscarriage or stillbirth. Women & Therapy, 27(3–4), 123–132. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1300/J015v27n03_09
Mcgee, K., PettyJohn, M. E., & Gallus, K. L. (2018). Ambiguous loss: A phenomenological exploration of women seeking support following miscarriage. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 23(6), 516–530. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1080/15325024.2018.1484625
Puddifoot, J. E., & Johnson, M. P. (1997). The legitimacy of grieving: The partner’s experience at miscarriage. Social Science & Medicine, 45(6), 837–845. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/S0277-9536(96)00424-8
Swanson, K. M., Chen, H., Graham, J., Wojnar, D. M., & Petras, A. (2009). Resolution of depression and grief during the first year after miscarriage: A randomized controlled clinical trial of couples-focused interventions. Journal of Women’s Health, 18, 1245 – 1257 https://doi.org/10.1089/jwh.2008.1202

 

 

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McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
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Power Couples

Let’s Talk: A Secret to Less Fighting and More Listening

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Cover photo by Jack Sparrow from Pexels

Written by Rian Gordon
If you are in a relationship, chances are, you and your partner have disagreements. But how do you keep those disagreements from turning into flat-out fights?
Would you believe me if I told you that the success of an argument starts even before you’ve brought up a disagreement? In a research study by John Gottman and Sybil Carrèr, they discovered that the majority of arguments end on the same note they start on (1999). In other words, a rocky start will most likely lead to a rocky end. This doesn’t mean that you are doomed if you start a disagreement off on the wrong foot, but it DOES mean that there are things you can do to help set a discussion with your partner up for success! 
The key to this is what is known as a soft start-up. A soft start-up involves beginning the conversation in a way that facilitates an open mind and heart for both you and your partner. It encourages safe and healthy communication rather than causing defensiveness and frustration. Soft start-ups are excellent for developing trust and emotional connection in your relationship as you navigate differences and the ups-and-downs of everyday life. 
Here are a few elements of soft start-ups that you can practice using in conversations with your partner to help you have more successful conversations when you disagree. 

 

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Photo by Eduardo Simões Neto Junior from Pexels

Setting

The setting in which you bring up a disagreement can make or break your ability to have a productive conversation with your partner (Prep Inc.. 2015)! Before you bring up a disagreement, consider these questions:
  • Are we in a place where both my partner and I can feel safe (physically AND emotionally)?
  • Is my partner distracted right now?
  • Do we have an appropriate level of privacy for the conversation I would like to have?
  • Is either of us extra tired or hungry?
It isn’t always possible to create or wait for a perfect setting in which you and your partner can have a calm and effective conversation. However, discussing a disagreement in a time and place that are more conducive to healthy communication can set the stage for a softer start-up and more productive results. 

Body language 

The way you say something is just as (if not more) important than what you say when it comes to bringing up a disagreement (Mlodinow, 2012). Your body language does a lot to set the tone for any conversation. Practice using body language that communicates your desire to connect with and feel understood your partner:
  • Facing your partner
  • Maintaining eye contact
  • Open, relaxed posture (closing off physically can be a sign of closing off emotionally)
  • Gentle, consensual physical touch (holding hands, placing your hand on your partner’s knee, etc.)
  • Using a calm tone of voice
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Photo by Juan Pablo Serrano Arenas from Pexels

Actual Words

When you engage in a disagreement with your partner, it is important to express yourself clearly, and in a way that encourages engagement from your partner. This does NOT mean that you have to be dishonest about how you are feeling. However, there are ways in which you can present your personal feelings and experiences that invite your partner to listen and connect with you rather than getting defensive or shutting down.
Try implementing these principles when you are beginning a difficult conversation with your partner:
  • Take responsibility for your feelings
    • Use statements that begin with “I” rather than “you” (These are known as “I statements”). 
  • Complain, don’t criticize
    • Complaining involves identifying a specific behavior that bothers you. Criticizing involves attacking the character of your partner.
  • Express appreciation
    • Chances are, even if they are doing something that bothers you, there is something you can find to appreciate about your partner. Verbalizing this can help your partner know that you still recognize and appreciate how they ARE meeting your expectations, not just how they are falling short.
  • Be kind
    • This one speaks for itself.
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Photo by Ekaterina Bolovtsova from Pexels
Everyone wants to feel heard and listened to in their relationship, and using soft start-ups can help both you and your partner to feel more open to listening to and learning from each other, even when it comes to difficult conversations. 
Personal Practice 1Try implementing one or more of these elements of a soft start-up in a conversation with your partner this week. Notice how the rest of your conversation goes.

References

Carrère, S., & Gottman, J. M. (1999). Predicting divorce among newlyweds from the first three minutes of a marital conflict discussion. Family process, 38(3), 293–301. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.1999.00293.x
Jon Beaty, C. (2020, April 21). A Couple’s Guide to Complaining. Retrieved July 11, 2020, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/a-couples-guide-to-complaining/
Lisitsa, E. (2018, November 21). How to Fight Smarter: Soften Your Start-Up. Retrieved July 10, 2020, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/?utm_source=instagram
Mlodinow, L. (2012, May 29). How We Communicate Through Body Language. Retrieved July 11, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/subliminal/201205/how-we-communicate-through-body-language
Prep Inc.. (2015). PREP 8.0 Leader Guide, Version 1.3. Greenwood Village, CO: Author.
Rogers, S.L. and Others. (2018) I understand you fell that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict. Retrieved March 14, 2019, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5961625/

 

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Guest Writers, Power Couples

The Essence of Being: Using Mindfulness to Enhance Romantic Relationships

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*Cover photo by Derick Santos from Pexels

Written by Ellyse Winward of the BYU School of Family Life and Chelom Leavitt, Ph.D.
Autopilot can creep into a fast-paced life. Sometimes we arrive at home and wonder exactly how we got there. Sometimes we even walk in, kiss our loved one hello, and end up in front of the TV before we realize it. Even when we are trying to be intentional, we may have demanding tasks, emails piling up, and deadlines to fill. We seem to have no time to slow down and go on a walk or spend time chatting. Although we have a desire for a close and vulnerable relationship, the connection with our partner seems to stay a bit stagnant. 
Maybe this fast-paced life, sometimes lived on autopilot, is a practical response for desired “success” and we sense the pressure to fit our lives into the equation of doing more to achieve more. Unfortunately, success in our day is often measured in terms of better and faster, rather than quality of presence. To restore the magic and fan the spark in a romantic relationship, we need to slow down and be present. 
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Photo by cottonbro from Pexels
This happens when we set aside our to-do list in order to simply talk with and listen to a spouse—when we choose to be mindful and focus more on the essence of being. 
Mindfulness is an awareness of the present without analyzing the past or anticipating the future (Greater Good Science Center, 2020). In other words—it is the essence of being (Richardson, 2011).  It includes aspects of self-awareness, non-judgment, and presence. It’s slowing down. Letting go of distractions. Looking within.
Choosing to slow down can be challenging, since many of us prefer doing to being. One study showed individuals would rather inflict shock to themselves than be alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes (Wilson, et al., 2014). That’s how uncomfortable being alone with our thoughts can be—some would rather be shocked than quietly meditate. Perhaps our rapidly advancing society is numbing us from personal and relational awareness (Wygant, 2013). As seen in the illustration below, however, we have a choice to be “mind full” or mindful. 
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Image from https://srwc-mb.ca/mindful/
So how exactly can one slow down? And what impact does it have on romantic relationships?

How Do I Slow Down?

Here are some ways to start slowing down:
Just breathe.
Breath is the center of a meditation practice. Our breath is constant, rhythmic, and relaxing. The breath can act like an anchor in the whirlwind of better and faster (Milliken, 2015). Imagine what would happen if we spent time with our partner just sitting and breathing together, noticing how the breath comes in and what it feels like when it goes out. Listening for how our breath aligns with our partner’s breath. Calm, connection, peace—that’s what this practice of just stopping to breathe can bring to the relationship (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010). 
Practice being mindful in everyday moments.
Just like learning to play the piano or perfecting a family recipe, mindfulness improves with practice. Mindfulness is a practice, not a destination (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010). The little things in a romantic relationship can be a great start. We can increase awareness when our hand lightly brushes against theirs. We can pay attention when giving our partner a hello kiss. How does it feel to connect after being apart? 
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Photo by fauxels from Pexels
Choose to slow down and pay attention to details (Sommers, 2013). Be present with each other. Remain in a long hug in order to feel their steady breath. Take advantage of simple everyday events to strengthen the ability to be aware and to enjoy the moment. Practicing awareness with the little things allows greater capability for mindfulness and increased enjoyment during high-emotional relational events, such as sex.
Return to a calm state during moments of stress.
The state of being during relational interactions can be more difficult to create than during simple tasks, like brushing our teeth. Actually, heightened emotions are often what encourage us to divert our focus during an intimate moment with our partner (Kimmes, Jaurequi, May, Srivastava, & Fincham, 2018). Negative stresses take their toll and mindfulness can help at those moments. For example, rather than becoming instantly upset when our partner has overspent the monthly budget, we can breathe . . .  calmly expressing feelings and seeking a solution together with both partners relaxed and regulated. 
Mindfulness can draw focus to the present moment. The present contact. The present experience. Letting go of the long to-do list and demands from work and just staying in the current moment with our partner—that could change everything (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010).

What Benefits Can Result?

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Photo by GUIVERG from Pexels
Although mindfulness is something each partner engages in personally, it has a great impact on the relationship—both for each partner individually and for the couple as a whole. Here’s an amazing fact: Research shows one partner’s mindfulness can impact the relational satisfaction for both partners (Khaddouma, Gordon, & Strand, 2017)! Even though we can be mindful without partner buy-in, our partner will likely notice the change in us and may practice a more mindfulness approach to life as well (Leavitt, Lefkowitz, & Waterman, 2019). 
And remember, this is a practice so keep trying even when distraction creeps in. It’s difficult to attune to one’s partner when thoughts stray beyond the present moment. Distraction comes in many forms, but however it happens, we can take positive action to shift thoughts. 
One idea that may help to sidestep distraction during partner interactions is to embrace the moment and come home to ourself (Richardson, 2011).  Re-center the breath, scan the body for tension, and find an inner connection in the body to anchor to. Choose to honor ourselves first. Diana Richardson shed light on this idea:
“When you honor yourself first, you stoke your own fire. You don’t depend on someone else to do it for you, and neither does your partner. The two individual fires join, they augment and enhance each other, and fueled by awareness, flames rise in splendid unison.” (Richardson, 2011)
Settling into our own body can bring a sense of self-empowerment. By doing so, we choose to be calm and redirect our awareness. Self-direction allows us to bring more to the relationship than simply relying on our partner to calm us (Schnarch, 2009).
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Photo by Andi Risam Triangga from Pexels
A greater connection with one’s partner can be realized through these suggestions since practicing mindfulness shifts the whole approach to daily living (Sommers, 2013). One is less reactive and more calm. Less judgmental and more accepting. Experiencing fewer barriers and feeling more freedom and safety. All of this leads to a greater ability to be who we really are—and accept our partner as they really are (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010). Might sound too good to be true, but it actually works.
Slowing down and shifting autopilot to awareness could be the next stepping stone on the path to a close and vulnerable relationship. So, start practicing mindfulness. Calm the mind. Calm the heart. Tune into the beautiful connections within the relationship. 
Create a new essence of being for you and your relationship. 
Personal Practice 1This week, choose one way to practice mindfulness in everyday moments.

References

Greater Good Science Center. (2020, March 28). What is mindfulness? Retrieved from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/mindfulness/definition
Khaddouma, A., Gordon, K. C., & Strand, E. B. (2017). Mindful mates: A pilot study of the relational effects of mindfulness‐based stress reduction on participants and their partners. Family Process, 56, 636-651
Kimmes, J. G., Jaurequi, M. E., May, R. W., Srivastava, S., & Fincham, F. D. (2018). Mindfulness in the context of romantic relationships: Initial development and validation of the relationship mindfulness measure. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 44(4), 575.
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497–509. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680
Milliken, C. (2015, June 13). The healing power of anchors. Retrieved from https://www.recoverywarriors.com/the-healing-power-of-anchors/
Pruitt, I. T., & McCollum, E. E. (2010). Voices of experienced meditators: The impact of meditation practice on intimate relationships. Contemporary Family Therapy, 32, 135–154. https://doi.org/10.1007/ s10591-009-9112-8
Richardson, D. (2011). Slow sex: The path to fulfilling and sustainable sexuality. Merrimac, MA: Destiny Books.
Schnarch, D. (2009). Intimacy & desire: Awaken the passion in your relationship. New York, NY: Beaufort Books.
Sommers, F. G. (2013). Mindfulness in love and love making: A way of life. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 28, 84–91. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2012.756976
Wilson, T. D., Reinhard, D. A., Westgate, E. C., Gilbert, D. T., Ellerbeck, N., Hahn, C., … Shaked, A. (2014). Just think: The challenges of the disengaged mind. US National Library of Medicine, 345(6192), 75–77. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1250830
Wygant, D. (2013). Social media is a romance contraceptive. New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2012/12/30/has-facebook-ruined-love/social-media-is-a-romance-contraceptive

 

 

Chelom-600x401Chelom Leavitt received her Ph.D. from Penn State. She studies healthy sexuality in committed relationships and focuses on how mindfulness during sex may be associated with positive outcomes for both men and women. Dr. Leavitt’s recent publications include cross-cultural work on sexual mindfulness, women’s sexual response cycles, and a study examining the role of orgasm in sexual and relational satisfaction for men and women.

 

IMG_2700_Original[1]Ellyse Winward is currently studying Elementary Education at BYU with a Family Life minor. In July 2019, she was introduced to the book Sexual Wholeness in Marriage by Drs. Busby, Carroll, and Leavitt which subsequently changed her life. Ellyse has developed a passion for learning and talking about healthy sexuality and mindfulness. She has loved learning from and working with Dr. Chelom Leavitt. Ellyse firmly believes mindfulness has the ability to better connect us with ourselves and the people around us and can really be a small thing that makes all the difference!
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Power Couples

Stuck With Your Spouse? Keeping Love Alive During COVID-19

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Written by Rian Gordon
After you first get married, you go through an adjustment period of learning how to live with your spouse. This can be a really difficult adjustment for many couples as they may discover habits or personality traits in each other that they weren’t aware of, as little things that once seemed cute become more of an annoyance, and as more time together tends to reveal more gaps in “compatibility”. 
Many couples may find themselves experiencing this wearing off of the “honeymoon phase” all over again as they are spending more time together due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Between working from home, missing interactions with other friends, coworkers, and family, trying to balance homeschool and taking care of kids, and the general stress of life during a time of crisis, you may be feeling a little more stuck with your spouse rather than happily married to them. 
So how do you get back to that state of wedded bliss?? Is it even possible right now? While our current circumstances may present some unique challenges, there are a few practices that may help you and your spouse keep your marriage and love strong during this difficult time. 
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Photo from pexels.com

Practice Positivity

In their research on couples, John and Julie Gottman have found that for every negative interaction, happy couples are having five (or more) positive interactions with each other (Gottman, Coan, Carrere, & Swanson, 1998). This ratio particularly applied to when couples were in the middle of working through a conflict, not even regular day-to-day interaction. If these happy couples were having five positive interactions for every one negative interaction during a disagreement, how many more must they be having in the everyday goings-on in their relationship? 
This practice of positivity is not something that may come naturally, but it IS something we can be more intentional about, and therefore improve. Here are two ways you can more actively invite positivity into your marriage:
  • Emotional bids: Turn towards your partner
Sending out an “emotional bid” means making an attempt at connection (Lisita, 2018). Any time our partner sends us an emotional bid, it is an opportunity for us to turn towards them by responding in a way that validates and acknowledges their attempt. According to research by the Gottmans, “happy couples turn towards their partners approximately twenty times more than couples in distress during everyday, non-conflict discussions” (Lisitsa, 2018). Check out this post for more info on emotional bids, and how you can turn towards your spouse.
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Photo from pexels.com
  • Show gratitude and appreciation
Expressing gratitude is an excellent way to strengthen your marriage and increase relationship satisfaction (Gordon, Arnette, & Smith, 2011). While you are practicing social distancing together at home, look for things that you appreciate about your spouse. Are they working hard from home to provide for your family? Are they helping the kids stay focused as they tackle school from home? Do they make the bed, put the baby down for a nap, or brave the grocery store to find food and toilet paper? Focus on the details. Gratitude is something that increases as you focus on it (Bono, 2018), so the more you practice noticing things to be grateful for, the more you will find!

Support Each Other

One unique challenge of this COVID-19 pandemic is that it has merged together the realms of work and home. Couples who may be used to spending work time apart are now having to figure out how to balance work and home life in one single environment. This can be particularly difficult because it gets rid of the automatic boundaries between home and work. When one or both partners work out of the home, it allows them to leave work at work, and have a healthy mental and physical separation between work and home life. Furthermore, it automatically divides many of the work and home roles, particularly for couples where one spouse works outside the home, and one spouse works as a stay-at-home parent. 
Many couples may be struggling to find balance because of these blurred lines, which actually opens up the opportunity for more emotional sharing, empathy, and working towards a more equal partnership. Work together to have open and honest conversations about your needs during this time, and discuss how you can better support and help each other in your various roles and responsibilities. It may also be helpful to consider setting physical boundaries in your home to divide between work and family life. 
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Photo from pexels.com

Remember Conflict is Normal

Conflict is a normal, and even healthy, part of every marriage relationship. When two people with varying backgrounds, experiences, and perspectives come together, they are naturally going to disagree on at least a few things. More time together can also lead to more opportunities for disagreements. If you and your spouse are dealing with a lot of conflict right now, don’t get discouraged by thinking you are doing something terribly wrong. Take comfort in the fact that conflict can lead to growth and a stronger relationship when handled correctly (Tartakovsky, 2018). 
Here are a few things you can do to manage conflict in your relationship:
  • Take responsibility for your emotions
One way you can express taking responsibility for your own feelings is by using something called “I-Statements” (Darrington & Brower, 2012). Try this simple formula: “I feel ___________ when you ____________ because _____________.”
Saying “I feel” expresses ownership over your emotions. When we practice this in our disagreements, it helps us to focus on the problem at hand rather than become defensive and argumentative with our partner (Rogers, 2018).
  • Take time outs
When emotions start to escalate, our thinking brains shut down and it becomes easy for a disagreement to turn into a loud, angry fight (Gowin, 2011). One strategy to help you chill out when you are feeling emotionally flooded is to call a “time out”. Step away from the issue for a little bit, practice some self-soothing techniques, and return to the discussion after you are feeling calmer. 
  • It’s not about “winning” 
Don’t forget that the best way to “fight” in your marriage is to fight for your relationship. Ultimately, it isn’t about winning. Disagreements are about working together to find the best answer for your relationship – solutions that make both of you comfortable. Any time you reach a solution together, you win much more than you would have if you had gotten your way, or “beat” your partner.
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Photo by Soroush Karimi on Unsplash

Still Have Alone Time

Alone time is an important and necessary way for many individuals to re-charge and self-care. Even though you and your spouse may be stuck in the same physical space, make sure you are each taking the time you need to take care of yourselves individually. My favorite ways to do this are by soaking in the bath, practicing yoga or meditation, and reading or writing! For my husband, he loves to unwind by listening to music, drawing, or going for a jog. 

Make Time for Fun

Research has shown that one of the best ways we can keep our marriages strong is by intentionally having fun together (PREP Inc., 2015). With all of this extra time that we may not be used to having with our spouse, this is a great opportunity to get creative and have some fun!
Check out these posts for some ideas that you and your spouse can try for some fun at home:
P.S. Don’t forget about sex! Sex is a great way to incorporate fun and flirtatiousness into your marriage. During this time of high stress, make sure you are setting aside regular time to have fun in the bedroom together. 
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Photo by Eric Froehling on Unsplash

Final Thoughts

While this worldwide pandemic may add extra stress and create unique circumstances in our marriages, the truth is, hard work is always required to keep love alive. If we choose, we can decide to see this time as an opportunity for us to re-focus on our relationships, and to incorporate intentional practices that will help us strengthen our marriages. Practice living right now so that when things return to normal, you will miss having this extra time together! 
Personal Practice 1Read this post with your partner, and together choose one way to intentionally work on your marriage this week.

References

A Prioritized Marriage. (2020, March 28). At Home Date Night Ideas for When You Can’t Leave the House. Retrieved from https://aprioritizedmarriage.com/blog/at-home-date-night-ideas/
Benson, K. (2019, September 11). The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/
Bono, T., PhD. (2018). When Likes Aren’t Enough: A Crash Course in the Science of Happiness. New York, NY: Grand Central Life & Style.
Darrington, J., & Brower, N. (2012, April). Effective Communication Skills: “I” Messages and Beyond. Retrieved February 28, 2018, from https://digitalcommons.usu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1791&context=extension_curall
Gordon, C. L., Arnette, R. A. M., & Smith, R. E. (2011). Have you thanked your spouse today?: Felt and expressed gratitude among married couples. Personality and Individual Differences, 50(3), 339–343.
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60(1), 5. https://doi.org/10.2307/353438
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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Love, Me, Power Couples, Reaching Higher

The Paradox of Attachment

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Written by Dray Salcido
Buddhism defines attachment as the root of all suffering. And research shows that attachment is a common factor among individuals with symptoms of depression, anxiety, resentment, suicidal ideations, stress, and low self-esteem (Bates et al., 2018). Most of us aren’t fully conscious that our obsessions keep us stuck. Before I embraced mindfulness, I thought I’d always have a void. I believed life would persist in arbitrary, empty feelings. Our inability to feel satisfied, connected, and joyful comes from our conditioning to seek outside ourselves. Nonattachment means letting go of our “fixation to ideas, images, and sensory objects and not feeling an internal pressure to acquire, hold, avoid or change” (Sahdra et al., 2010). So, in what ways are we creating our own suffering, and how can we practice a meaningful life of nonattachment?
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What We Try to Possess, Possesses Us – Our Attachment to Things

A common area of attachment is found with our rumination of things, or materialism. Thoughts like once I have that car, home, wardrobe…then I’ll feel wanted, respected or good about myself. Materialism increases our comparison to others, discontent with our physical appearance, public self-consciousness, and feelings of inadequacy and lack (Elphinstone & Whitehead, 2019). So, why do we exhaust ourselves over having things if it doesn’t make us happy? Ironically, we attach our emotions to things outside us thinking it will ease our discomfort. Have you ever experienced a lonely night and found yourself online shopping? For a while, I attached my worth to my intellect, and thought the more books I owned the more secure I’d feel. We may experience momentary relief in our materialistic efforts, but we all know it doesn’t last. When we give things responsibility over our fulfillment, then we’ve also given up our power because our contentment is contingent upon having, rather than creating. Remember, it’s the clinging to the thing, not the enjoyment of the thing itself, that creates unnecessary suffering. 

Attached vs. Connected – Our Attachments to People

Perhaps more than things, we experience many attachments in our relationships. These usually show up in the form of preconceived notions. Take the transition from the honeymoon phase to a more realistic and stable phase as an example. Couples express anxiety and disappointment as the relationship changes because they think they’re no longer in love. It’s the clinging to the euphoria of a relationship that actually keeps them from feeling happy (Bates et al., 2018). Whereas accepting what is opens them up to new ways of loving and evolving together. Is it comfortable? No. But, pining for the way it was will create resentment and limit our growth with our partners. 
Aren’t we supposed to seek connection? Absolutely! We’re hard-wired for it (Brown, 2012). But, being unattached doesn’t mean you don’t care. Paradoxically letting go frees you up to love without condition, which facilitates true connection. Let’s define the difference between attachment and connection, since this can be tricky to grasp. Both are rooted in the same desires: to love and be loved. Yet, how we show up for people is a huge contrast. Attachment is based on fear and control. Connection is based on faith and letting go. Attachment encourages hiding or changing parts of ourselves. Connection is transparent and honest. Attachment feels like bondage. Connection feels like freedom. An attached person bases their emotional well-being on the behaviors of others. A connected person traces all emotional disturbances back to themselves. An attached person will see their loved ones as they “ought” to be, and resent or judge them when they inevitably fail to show up that way. A connected person sees their loved ones as they actually are, and accepts them for it. Practicing nonattachment shows increased empathy for others (Elphinstone & Whitehead, 2019). The paradox is that when we let go of our attachments we feel more connected. 
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Truthfully, most relationships have attachments. Do you expect your children to go to college? Do you expect your partner to stay with you for life? Do you expect your friend to call on your birthday? These are all attachments. Even the healthiest partnerships will experience hurt feelings and frustrations. Being unattached does not mean you don’t have needs in a relationship, but that you take ownership for those needs. Empowering yourself will help you to make loving requests of the people in your life to meet those needs, rather than entitled demands that they should. The more we can notice our own limiting thoughts about others, the greater capacity we’ll have to let go of being right and choose love instead.

“Be That Self Which One Truly Is” – Our Attachments to Identity

An ancient method for catching monkeys is to place a banana in a cage. When the animal comes along it will reach through the bars and grab the banana. A hunter will then capture the monkey effortlessly all because it won’t let go. The solution is simple: let go of the banana! This isn’t the monkey’s only source of food. It could easily let go, find food elsewhere and keep its life. But, it’s so attached to the fruit it cannot comprehend the simplicity of freedom. In what ways are we controlled simply because we won’t let go? 
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One of the strongest attachment issues we face is around our sense of self. We over-identify using outside sources to make meaning of who we are. Our attachments may be financial status, appearance and body image, popularity, achievements, number of likes and followers, religion, family background, relationship status, perceived talents and abilities, sexual desires and preferences, our youth, gender, race, nationality, addiction, mental health issues, and any other ideas of who you are. Some of us are even attached to our own suffering, or identity as a victim. It’s one thing to acknowledge all these parts of ourselves, and another to attach our sense of worth to them. The self is elusive. Our thoughts of identity aren’t who we really are. The true Self is divine. To see and accept ourselves beyond mental and social constructs is nonattachment, and nonattachment is true love. 
So what if we trust life the way we trust our breathing? Our inhale provides oxygen necessary to our survival. But the exhale is just as important to rid the body of carbon dioxide. Can we be grateful for the inhale, and then let go, or exhale knowing there is more good to come? Just as there is nourishment in breath, there is nourishment in all aspects of life: work, relationships, beliefs, etc. It is when we attach to these things that we unconsciously “disturb ourselves with expectations, opinions, criticisms, and disappointments” (Adele, 2009). Trust life knowing that the nature of existence is impermanence. Just like our breathing, when held too long, that which was nourishing becomes toxic. So, let go of the banana. 
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In conclusion, having attachments isn’t good or bad. Shakespeare said, “nothing is neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so.” So the only question left is how do you want to feel? What attachments would you like to keep, and which would you like to let go of? Ask yourself, “is this attachment serving me? Does it feel light or heavy? Is it creating more joy or more suffering?” Observing and being aware of our thoughts is the first step toward enlightenment.
Personal Practice 1This Week:
  1. Notice your breathing. Can you inhale and exhale – take in and let go, and trust that more good comes?
  2. Look at the objects you own. Do they feel light and detached from your worth? Or do they feel heavy and bring reminders of lack or insecurity?
  3. Notice your expectations. Are you unconsciously demanding fulfillment and comfort from people? Or are you grateful for their existence and consciously making loving requests?
  4. Observe your feelings about the self. Can you look at all the parts that define you without judgment? Or, do you need to look/be a certain way before you love yourself? 
Remember, as you start your journey of nonattachment be curious and kind. Harsh judgments will bring further suffering. Just notice your thoughts, and you’ll be on the gradual path of freedom.                                            

References

Adele, D. (2009). The yamas & niyamas: Exploring yoga’s ethical practice. On-Word Bound Books LLC.
Bates, G., Elphinstone, B., & Whitehead, R. (2018). Stories of suffering and growth: An investigation of the lived experience of nonattachment. Contemporary Buddhism, 19(2),  448-475. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1080/14639947.2018.1572311
Brown, C. B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, N.Y.: Gotham.
Elphinstone, B., & Whitehead, R. (2019). The benefits of being less fixated on self and stuff: Nonattachment, reduced insecurity, and reduced materialism. Personality and Individual Differences, 149, 302-308. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1016/j.paid.2019.06.019
Sandra, B., P. Shaver, and K. Brown. 2010. A scale to measure nonattachment: A Buddhist complement to western research on attachment and adaptive function. Journal of Personality Assessment 92 (2): 116-127. https://doi-10.1080/00223890903425960

 

 

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Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
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