One of the main things that attracted me to my husband when we first started dating was that I felt so SAFE around him. Not only was he incredibly respectful and sweet in a way that helped me feel physically safe, he also did things that helped me feel safe to share my whole self with him — my thoughts, my weaknesses, my worries, my love, my everything! This has been a crucial piece in the health of our relationship over the years and research supports the importance of creating safety in our relationships in order for them to thrive and last (PREP Inc., 2015).
Here are three critical types of relationship safety and how you can foster them in your relationships:
Physical Safety
The most basic form of safety that is important for healthy and happy relationships is physical safety. While this type of safety requires an absence of physical abuse, I would argue that there is more to building a physically safe relationship than that alone. Real relationship satisfaction is developed when a couple actively works to show love to one another, not just when they don’t hit each other.
Create a physical sanctuary: If you live together, you can increase the felt physical safety in your relationship by making your home a place where both of you can feel safe and at peace. Clean together, decorate together, make the space yours!
Emotional Safety
Emotional safety is just as crucial in a healthy and happy relationship as physical safety. Partners can act as a safe space for each other to share feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, and vulnerabilities. The strongest relationships are those where partners feel safe bringing their whole self to the table – the good and the bad – and can trust that that whole self will be respected and validated, even when their partner disagrees.
Respond positively to emotional bids: “Bids” are a call for connection in your relationship (you can read more about them here). Relationships thrive when both partners are frequently seeking out ways to connect with each other and are responding positively to each other’s bids for connection. Responding positively to bids does not mean that you always have to say “yes” to your partner. It just means that you acknowledge their bid and follow through with taking time to connect – whether in that exact moment, or setting aside intentional time later!
Ex. Partner 1: “Hey honey, how was your day?” “Hey babe, I’m in the middle of sending this text right now, but I’d love to talk about my day with you and hear about yours. Can we talk as soon as I’m done?”
Keep confidences: Part of creating emotional safety in your relationship involves sharing parts of ourselves that we might not be so proud of. We are all human, and our relationships need to be a space that allows for us to make mistakes, disagree, struggle, and grow together. When your partner shares something with you, don’t go telling the rest of the world (or your mom!). If it is something you need to share in order to get help, talk with your partner about who they are comfortable sharing the information with. This will do wonders for building trust and safety in your relationship.
Practice sharing your emotions: Sharing how we are feeling is not always easy. The good news is, it’s a skill that we can practice! Be intentional about being vulnerable and sharing how you feel with your partner. Especially with difficult or uncomfortable feelings. Consider writing them out first to help yourself identify and process what you are feeling before you approach your partner. Mutual sharing and showing empathy and respect for one another’s emotions will help you build trust and increase closeness in your relationship.
Commitment Safety
Commitment safety is all about knowing that your partner will fight for your relationship, and that they are committed to making things work. When we believe that a relationship is going to last, we are far more likely to be willing to invest time and attention into that relationship. A relationship with strong commitment safety is more likely to last because partners trust in their love for each other and are not afraid that their significant other will bail out at the first sign of trouble.
Dream together: Dreaming about your future together is a great way to work towards actually having a future together! When you dream and set goals together as a couple it deepens your commitment to each other and to your relationship.
Constraint Commitments: Constraint commitments refer to “forces that constrain individuals to maintain relationships regardless of their personal dedication to them” (Stanley, Rhoades, & Whitton, 2010). These can be things such as buying a home together, having a joint bank account, building mutual friendships, having children together, social pressure to remain together, etc. “Constraint” sounds like a negative term, but these types of ties in our relationships can actually be really beneficial in strengthening our commitment (Stanley, Rhoades, & Whitton, 2010). The more you have tying you together, the less likely you are to leave the relationship when you encounter disagreements or difficulty* (things that come to every relationship).
* This does not include abusive relationships. If you are in a relationship with abuse of any kind, you have the right to leave regardless of any existing constraints!
Continue investing in your relationship: Commitment and love are both built and maintained over time. The more effort we continuously put into our relationship, the stronger it will grow, and the more likely we are to stay committed to our partner! Investing in your relationship looks like frequent date nights, staying curious and continuing to get to know each other, nurturing your emotional and physical connection, communicating openly and honestly, intentionally connecting throughout the day, etc. Remember that commitment fosters love, not the other way around — the more our actions reflect commitment to our partner and to the relationship, the deeper our love and commitment will actually become.
Working to increase each of these aspects of safety will strengthen your relationship with your significant other in critical ways. As you seek to become a safe place for your partner physically, emotionally, and for the long-run your connection with each other will deepen, and you will be making an important investment in the health and longevity of your relationship.
Take time to think about the current level of safety in your relationship. Do you feel safe with your partner? Does your partner feel safe with you? Why or why not? Choose one of the strategies above to help you foster either physical, emotional, or commitment safety in your relationship this week.
Johnson, S. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. New York, NY: Little, Brown and Company.
Prep Inc.. (2015). PREP 8.0 Leader Guide, Version 1.3. Greenwood Village, CO: Author.
Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Whitton, S. W. (2010). Commitment: Functions, Formation, and the Securing of Romantic Attachment. Journal of family theory & review, 2(4), 243–257. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1756-2589.2010.00060.x
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
In both my practice, and in my research, I have found that a woman’s negative body image is a big disrupter of sexual enjoyment and responsiveness. According to marriage researcher, John Gottman, in the Western world by the time a woman is 60 years old, she will have viewed nearly 6 million media messages that describe ideal feminine beauty. There is also a lot of research that has proven the negative impact of these idealized female images, resulting in a woman’s struggle with the relationship she has with their body. Particularly when it is associated with sexual expression.
There is empirical evidence that a woman’s overall self-esteem and confidence is tied closely to way she feels about her body. Therefore, her sexual desire, initiation attempts, and relational satisfaction is directly related to her body image. When a woman feels confident about her body, she initiates more sex, enjoys sex more fully, and is more satisfied with her relationship. Conversely, when a woman has a poor body image, she is less confident sexually, initiates sex less frequently, and overall feels less sexual and relational satisfaction. So, the question is, does a woman’ body image impact her marriage!? The answer is a resounding, “Yes!”
There are two aspects of body image and sexual satisfaction in women. First, the way she thinks of her body. Secondly, what she believes her partner thinks about her body. Personally, as a therapist, no matter how beautiful or fit she is, I have yet to meet a woman who feels totally happy about her body. And, importantly, I have yet to counsel with a couple where the husband has been dissatisfied with his wife’s body. This fact should give women a few important messages.
When he tells you that you are beautiful and that he likes your curves, he’s being honest. He wants you to feel his love and acceptance when you are together, both in and out of the bedroom. I find it fascinating that universally the one sexual experience a husband is most aroused by is the ability to please his wife. It is not your breast size, not the shape of your butt, not the length of your legs that is most arousing to him, it is giving you sexual pleasure.
This is a mantra I share with clients and students…and even use myself. The brain is the largest sex organ. If you are not being mindful or living in the moment, you will not be sexually responsive to your partner’s touch. Passion begins in the mind. A woman’s brain and body must work together when it comes to making love. So, I suggest you forget about the dishes, laundry, tomorrow’s meeting, or that article you need to finish…and bring your head to bed with you!
Learn how your body responds sexually.
Frequently a woman is not experiencing orgasm because she doesn’t understand how her body works sexually. Give yourself some private time, or if you prefer invite your husband, to touch yourself for sexual discovery. As you learn what feels good, share that knowledge with your husband. Eventually together you can both participate in fulfilling, pleasurable sexual experiences.
Stop the negative ruminations about your body. Tell yourself the truth, you are beautiful. You are designed to experience a sexual fullness of joy as you both give and receive pleasure. I believe that sharing in this deepest part of yourself allows for bonding to occur in three ways: your body and your spirit connect fully to one another, you and your partner bond together, and your marriage relationship can connect more fully with God.
In conclusion, I believe I can safely say that a woman’s desire is largely dependent on her feeling desirable. Because it takes two to create a marriage, this summation can be helpful for both women and men:
For Women: Do all that you can to like yourself more. Spend time doing things that create energy and happiness in your season of life. All of us are in different stages of the life cycle, look at your stage and practically make decisions regarding how you will invest in your health and happiness. (For example, if you are a mother with young children, it might not be the best stage of life to return to graduate school.) Write truths about yourself and your body, then use these truths to combat negative self-talk that can sabotage your progress. Strive to eat healthy, drink plenty of water, get sunshine and exercise, and do what you can in your life stage to have adequate sleep. All of these things will help your mood, generate positive energy, and add an overarching sense of self-confidence and control. The way you choose to care for yourself will directly correlate with your overall feeling of sexual satisfaction and happiness.
For Men: The sea in which your wife has been swimming since birth has clearly given her the message that she needs to be desirable. Beware that few things hurt a woman more than criticism of the way she looks. Your wife will feel more beautiful if she knows that you only have eyes for her. Let her know that she is beautiful just the way she is, give sincere compliments, show her your love in ways that matter to her. In your sphere of influence, do all that you can to change the message that a woman’s value is connected to her attractiveness. Recognize that for a woman to feel confident sharing her sexuality, both her mind and heart need to feel secure with the relationship. How you choose to care for your wife’s happiness will directly correlate with your sexual and relational satisfaction. Research shows that taking time to invest in connecting emotionally with your wife is what ensures your health and longevity. Actually, a great marriage relationship is the best form of self-interest!
Choose one way to intentionally improve your relationship with your body this week.
References
Meltzer, A. L., & McNulty, J. K. (2010). Body image and marital satisfaction: evidence for the mediating role of sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(2), 156-164. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0019063
Schnarch, D. M. (1997). Passionate marriage: Love, sex, and intimacy in emotionally committed relationships. WW Norton & Company.
Gottman, J., Gottman, J.S. (2016). The Man’s Guide to Women. Rodale.
Watson, L. J. (2018, December 20), Is body image affecting your sex life? Psychology Today.
Tammy Hill is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and sex therapist. She also teaches marriage and sexuality courses for Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life. Tammy enjoys hiking, playing pickle ball, painting, quilting and spending time with her large family. Learn more about Tammy by visiting her website at https://www.tammyhill.com/.
You’ve most likely heard the idea that a marriage requires a 50/50 effort from each partner. In theory, two halves make a whole, and yet, healthy, happy, and strong relationships require more than each person committing a “one half” effort. Many people will say that instead of 50/50, partners should be giving 100/100. But what does that look like? And is it actually possible for partners to be giving 100% equal effort and to be equally all in all the time?
The short answer is… not really. But striving for equal partnership is still an important part of building a healthy and happy marriage. Here are a few ways that you and your partner can work towards creating an equal partnership in your relationship:
Can I let you in on a little secret? Creating equal partnership in your marriage isn’t actually about making everything exactly equal. In fact, trying to do so by keeping score for who does what, how often, how much, etc. can be really detrimental to your relationship (Benson, 2020)!
A healthier approach would be to talk together about your individual needs, and work together to make sure those needs are met. If you feel like the balance is unfair or isn’t working, talk about it! Each partner’s needs, level of effort, and capacity will fluctuate and change based on what is happening in your lives at the time.
For example, one partner may be less able to help with house work while they are working towards an advanced degree, or the other partner may help with the children in the evenings while the other takes some much needed time for self-care. Struggles with illness or mental health could also require one partner to step in and give more than their “fair share” for a time (I know that my husband has pulled WAY more than his weight when I’ve been struggling mentally or physically).
What shouldn’t change (unless it’s increasing!) is your commitment to love, serve, and help one another. Take responsibility for your own efforts, and consistently work to lift each other and to show appreciation for each other’s contributions.
Try this: Talk with your partner about your current needs and capacity to contribute to the relationship. Be open and honest with one another. Make a game plan for dividing responsibilities in a way that will enable you both to get what you need and to make sacrifices to serve each other.
When it Comes to Roles, Find What Works for You
Over the centuries, society has accumulated plenty of expectations for the division of responsibilities and roles in our relationships. Historically, many of these expectations have been dictated by gender — something that has become less and less helpful as relationships and roles have continued to change and evolve. Getting stuck in these traditional boxes can leave both men and women feeling unfair and unhealthy amounts of pressure to provide, maintain the home, raise children, sacrifice identity, etc. (Ciciolla & Luthar, 2019; Goldberg & Perry-Jenkins, 2004; Hanks, 2015; Harryson, Novo, & Hammarström, 2010).
It is important for couples today to examine their own needs and the needs of their families, and to shape their division of roles and responsibilities based on those needs. Think outside the box, and don’t feel like you have to adhere to prescribed societal expectations! Consider your own individual strengths and weaknesses, and use the unique makeup of your partnership to help you find the best fit division of responsibility for your relationship.
I would also recommend that you extend this same “outside the box” thinking to the sharing of emotional responsibilities. Traditionally, women have acted as the caretakers of the relationship, carrying the majority of the responsibility to maintain connection (Gaia, 2002). We desperately need more men who are willing to share in the responsibility of maintaining and fighting for emotional connection and intimacy in their relationships, and it is up to us to change societal patterns and expectations that make it difficult for them to do so.
Try this: Think about how your parents divided up roles and responsibilities in their relationship. What do you think worked well for them? What would you like to imitate in your relationship? What would you like to do differently? Discuss together.
Bonus Challenge: Work on being more conscious of the language you use surrounding roles and responsibility in your relationship. Check out this instagram post by Dr. Julie de Azevedo Hanks for some suggestions!
Make Decisions Together
A crucial element of equal partnership involves both partners feeling like they have an equal amount of decision-making power for the relationship. When both partners know that their opinions, thoughts, and desires matter, it increases the amount of satisfaction in their relationship (Knudson-Martin, 2012; Willigen, & Drentea, 2001) .
Making decisions together does not mean that you have to ask your partner permission before you make any and every decision. What it does mean is that you communicate and work together to make big decisions, like where you will live together or what job you will decide to take, as well as get on the same page about your core values that often determine your everyday decisions. How do you envision disciplining your children? When it comes to money, are you a spender or a saver? What religious or spiritual practices do you hope to participate in together? As you work to align your core values, it will be easier to move in tandem with the decisions that shape your relationship and your lives.
Try this: Have a discussion about your core values and how you want them to influence the decisions you make together. Check out one of our very first posts here for some ideas of topics you can discuss together.
Ask for Each Other’s Help and Support
Finally, knowing that you are needed by your partner can increase your personal commitment and confidence in the relationship.
Reaching out to your partner for help, whether it’s help killing a hairy spider, help processing your emotions, or help studying for a test, lets them know that you need them, and develops a pattern in your relationship of relying on one another. It requires vulnerability, but asking your partner for help, and responding positively when they ask you for help, can take you one step closer to building an equal partnership together.
Check out this article here for more information on how asking your partner for help can improve your relationship!
Try this: Ask your partner to help you with something you are currently working towards. Their support could be practical or emotional, the point is that you let them know you need them!
More Than 50/50
Our marriages certainly require more than a 50/50 effort from each partner. However, a 100/100 effort isn’t necessarily what we are striving for either. What we strive for is a marriage where both partners feel equally loved and cared for, and where they feel equally responsible for the success of the relationship.
P.S. A great way to assess the strengths and weaknesses in your partnership is by taking the RELATE Assessment! This is a research-based questionnaire that can help you and your partner analyze your individual strengths and weaknesses and make a game plan for how you can improve together. Check it out here, and use our special HHP discount code RELATE50 for 50% off!
Choose one of the above ways to work on building equal partnership in your relationship this week.
Ciciolla, L., & Luthar, S. S. (2019). Invisible Household Labor and Ramifications for Adjustment: Mothers as Captains of Households. Sex Roles,81(7-8), 467-486. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-018-1001-x
Gaia, A. (2002). Understanding Emotional Intimacy: A Review of Conceptualization, Assessment and the Role of Gender. International Social Science Review,77(3/4), 151-170. Retrieved October 3, 2020, from http://www.jstor.org/stable/41887101
Goldberg, A. E., & Perry-Jenkins, M. (2004). Division of Labor and Working-Class Women’s Well-Being Across the Transition to Parenthood. Journal of Family Psychology, 18(1), 225–236. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.18.1.225
Harryson, L., Novo, M., & Hammarström, A. (2010). Is gender inequality in the domestic sphere associated with psychological distress among women and men? Results from the Northern Swedish Cohort. Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health,66(3), 271-276. https://doi.org/10.1136/jech.2010.109231
Knudson-Martin, C. (2012). Why Power Matters: Creating a Foundation of Mutual Support in Couple Relationships. Family Process,52(1), 5-18. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12011
Van Willigen, M., & Drentea, P. (2001). Benefits of equitable relationships: The impact of sense of fairness, household division of labor, and decision-making power on perceived social support. Sex Roles, 44, 571-597.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
This is part two of my May 9, 2020 article, “Riding the Waves and Embracing the Cycle,” which discussed emotional cycles for women, and how to better handle the low points during the cycle.
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In Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, author John Gray compared men to rubber bands, stating,
Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again. (98)
Gray continues by noting that “men instinctively feel this urge to pull away,” and that “it is not a decision or choice” (98).
There is undoubtedly some truth in this theory. Not only has Men Are From Mars sold millions of copies since it was published in 1992, but in a small informal poll I ran on Instagram, I found the following:
93% of respondents have noticed a pattern of their male partners (or themselves, if they are male) periodically needing distance or space.
When questioned about how often they or their male partner goes into their “cave”:
28% said every few months
22% said every few weeks
44% said they take a little time alone each day
6% had not noticed a pattern
While Gray’s rubber band theory is beneficial for the sake of awareness—both of oneself and one’s partner—I believe the theory itself is quite limiting. It incorrectly puts this cycle solely on men and fails to emphasize personal accountability for one’s response to this “urge.” I believe the healthier approach to this is recognizing the following two principles:
It is healthy for both men and women to maintain a level of autonomy in their relationship.
Each individual has the ability to choose how they respond to their feelings and needs.
I’d argue that men—as well as women—have the ability to grow in self-awareness, and can better handle how they respond to this “urge” to pull away. Recognizing, communicating, and encouraging autonomy for one another in a relationship can often bring a couple closer to one another as they feel this mutual support and trust. But the important thing is remembering that you are a companionship—the second you make that commitment to be together, you are together. That includes supporting and encouraging each other in caring for oneself.
Individuals can begin to recognize and become more self-aware about:
The feelings, thoughts, stressors, and triggers that lead to feeling this “urge” to pull away, and
Don’t know how exactly you need to recharge? Here are some ideas. See what resonates with you:
Meditate, mindlessly watch TV, exercise, quality time with friends (“girls night” or “guys night”), going on a walk, listening to a podcast, taking a nap, taking yourself out for dinner, taking a bath, having the house to yourself for a couple hours to get projects done, having an hour of uninterrupted time, gardening, shooting, going on a drive, game night, learning a new skill or hobby, joining a club, window shopping…
The list is endless. You could also step back into hobbies or interests you used to have as a teenager, young adult, or before you were in this relationship.
Research shows that “taking some time for yourself, socializing away from your spouse, and engaging with personal hobbies may facilitate the ability to retain a more independent identity within married and cohabiting relationships, which may encourage marital satisfaction” (Soulsby & Bennett, 2017). On the other hand, feeling a lack of personal identity in a relationship can also cause conflict to develop in the relationship. Both partners can support one another in taking time to recharge and reconnect with themselves.
When you can recognize when you need a break and what exactly you need to effectively recharge, you can communicate that effectively to your partner. Bustle published an excellent article entitled “How To Ask For More Alone Time In A Relationship” which outlines some ways to kindly approach this conversation with your partner. In short, the author suggests the following:
Pair the request with a future date
Explain exactly why you need it
Be willing to compromise
Explain that it’s about recharging
Take baby steps
Keep your time apart balanced
Be specific in what you’re requesting
Explain how it will benefit the relationship
Stress that you’re not trying to fix anything
Highlight why it makes you happy
Reconnect afterward
Definitely read the article for more of an explanation on any of those points. Not all of them will be needed in your specific situation, but the important thing is that you lovingly communicate your need to your partner, and be sure to reconnect afterward. Let the time apart help you better show up and connect to your partner.
It may be beneficial to schedule in regular alone time—daily, weekly, or monthly. This could help prevent sudden emotional crashes or withdrawals, and even inspire motivation knowing you have this set time each day/week/month to fill your own cup. Even a few minutes or an hour will be beneficial. This does not need to be a major wrench thrown in the schedule.
I spoke with my friend Haley Todd, MSW, CSW for her perspective on the matter. Thank you so much, Haley, for putting the final touches on this article:
As a practicing family therapist, I know first hand how crucial it is for partners to have autonomy. As mentioned previously, autonomy seems to be more of a traditional male trait as a wife cares for children and the home. While many people value these traditional roles it is vital that we find ways for each partner to have individuality. I see women who are trying to find individuality and autonomy on top of their other responsibilities leaving them exhausted and resentful towards their husbands.
I think both men and women are doing it wrong. A partnership means you work as a team. Typically when on a team each player or member works towards a common goal to win. As partners and families in teams, we need to work together to reach mutual goals. Whether that be happiness, future opportunities, or spiritual goals, among many others. We need to “pass the ball” so we can block for or protect other players, and do our part so that other players can succeed in their chosen roles. In a partnership, we need to communicate what these goals are and how we can support one another in them. All this in accordance with supporting self-care and individuality.
As partners find their individuality they tend to find who they are as a person. This process towards self-discovery is one of the biggest struggles I see among teens and adults of all ages, but it is crucial for our happiness, both as individuals, and in our relationships. As we discover the person we are or want to become we have less and less to escape from and our lives become more valuable and enjoyable. Some of the happiest people I see are team players who care about one another’s successes and are there to support when needed.
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For more articles about healthy communication, check out these other articles on Healthy Humans Project:
Consider creating intentional time for yourself. What does that look like now? What would you like it to look like? Begin the conversation with your partner. Invite them to consider the same for themselves.
Soulsby, L. K., & Bennett, K. M. (2017). When Two Become One: Exploring Identity in Marriage and Cohabitation. Journal of Family Issues, 38(3), 358-380. https://doi.org/10.1177%2F0192513X15598547
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Sex is a hot topic (no pun intended) when it comes to today’s relationships. It has a lot of power to strengthen a committed relationship when handled correctly, and it can also do a lot of damage when it’s used incorrectly. And there is actually a lot more to it than just fireworks and body parts. When it comes down to it, the more we understand about the different sides of sex, the more fulfilling and connection-building our sexual relationships can be.
Side 1: Physical
There’s no denying that sex is a physical experience. Our desire for sex is an innate part of the human experience, based in our biological needs both to reproduce, and to build connections and relationships with others. When preparing for and engaging in sexual activities, our bodies respond in ways that can create immense physical pleasure. Understanding our own pleasure and what we personally enjoy when it comes to our sexual response, and then practicing and learning the same about our partner, are certainly key in having positive and enjoyable sexual experiences.
Here are a few exercises to help you connect to personal pleasure:
Make a list of things that turn you on and things that turn you off
Learn more about the sexual response cycle, sexual “gender norms”, and how you may be similar or different from what is considered to be most common (keep in mind that there is no right or wrong; we all respond differently, and the key is understanding what works best for you)
Spend time exploring your body with or without a partner. Find what feels good for you – what parts of your body create the most physical pleasure for you? What kinds of touch do you enjoy most?
Reflect on your sense of self-worth, particularly how it is affected by your personal body image. What is your relationship like with your body? Any past “body baggage” you need to work through?
Just as our bodies are inherently connected to sex, our emotions are impossible to disconnect from our sexual life. When we engage with someone sexually, oxytocin (also known as the “cuddle hormone”) is released. This creates emotions of connection, trust, attachment, and even love for another person. This is why sex is healthiest and the most satisfying in a committed relationship (and why one-night-stands often leave the participants, particularly the female participants, feeling empty and disappointed). (Birnbaum, et al., 2006; Campbell, 2008; Perel, 2007)
Not only can sex create these deeply connecting emotions within us, a deep emotional connection, which includes love and respect for your partner, also greatly enhances the sexual experience. It provides the essential emotional safety that allows partners to completely let go of any inhibitions and let themselves be vulnerable together – something vital to fully engaging with our partner sexually. This level of emotional safety and trust also allows partners to be more explorative and free to try new things in their sexual relationship, which can really help keep things interesting after being together for a while. Emotions can also bring added flavor and variety to sexual encounters as you allow for love-making to be more joyful, tender, intense, playful, healing, or even silly (because sometimes sex is just silly, people, #amiright?).
What helps me feel emotionally connected to my partner? Talk about it together!
For many, sex is also thought of as a spiritual experience. Sex is an act of creation – both in its potential to create a child, as well as its usefulness in creating and building strong and healthy partner relationships. Apart from our relationships, it can be seen as a symbol of our connection to divinity as potential creators. In our relationships, it can be a symbol of unity, commitment, and total surrender. Interestingly enough, research also supports this idea of the spiritual aspect of sex. In a study looking at the sanctification of sex within marriage (to sanctify something means to make or consider it holy or divine), researchers found “that greater perceived sanctity of marital sexuality robustly predicted greater frequency of sex, sexual satisfaction, and marital satisfaction 1 year after marriage” and that those who believed in the sanctification of sexuality at the beginning of their marriage had less deterioration of sexual and marital satisfaction over time than those who did not sanctify sexuality at the beginning of their marriage. (Hernandez-Kane & Mahoney, 2018)
Here are some questions to get you thinking about the spiritual side of sex:
What meaning do I assign to sex? Both for my individual sexuality, and sex within the context of a relationship?
How do I define fidelity? Is it important to me? What expectations do I have regarding what it means to be a faithful partner?
Finally, our ability to engage with a partner sexually is heavily affected by what takes place in our minds. Research has shown that the most important sex organ is actually our BRAIN. The brain controls our emotions, our attraction, our arousal, our drive, our pleasure, etc., and therefore, it has a powerful say in what we experience sexually.
The influence of our brain in sex can be both positive, and problematic. For example, before we even have sex, we develop ideas about it – what it’s for, what it should look like, feel like, or be like, what is appropriate and what is not, etc. These ideas can come from anything from the way our parents talked about sex when we were kids, to what our friends said in school, to what youth leaders taught in church, to what we saw in the movies, to what sexual experiences we have had in the past, to social and gender norms. If you have incorrect, unhealthy, or problematic beliefs about sex, this can make it difficult for you to be able to engage sexually. Distractions, stress, mental health struggles, and trauma can further complicate your ability to connect to yourself and/or a partner through sex.
The good news is, through practice, thought-work, therapy, self-reflection, etc., we have the power to change our philosophies, ideas, and thought patterns surrounding sexuality!
An important positive way in which we can use our brains to improve our sexual experiences is through mindfulness. Mindfulness involves being intentionally aware of the present moment while accepting our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations as they are, without judgment. Research has found that more sexually mindful individuals tend to “have better self-esteem, be more satisfied with their relationships and, particularly for women, be more satisfied with their sex lives” (Leavitt, Lefkowitz, & Waterman, 2019). Check out this article here for more information on how mindfulness can positively impact our romantic relationships.
Some practices to explore the mental side of sex:
What ideas or philosophies have I learned about sex from society, my parents, religion, the media, etc. that could potentially affect my ability to engage sexually now and/or in the future?
Practice mindfulness in everyday moments with low emotional stakes so that you can be more mindful in moments where the emotional stakes are higher (like during sex).
If you have experienced sexual trauma of any kind, don’t be afraid to seek out professional help.
While learning more about our bodies is essential in enhancing our sexual experience, there is SO MUCH MORE to sex than just our physical responses. In fact, our ability to respond physically to sex is just as much determined by what goes on in our minds, hearts, and souls, as it is by our actual physical capacity to perform or respond sexually. The better you come to understand sex as a whole, not just the physical side, the more you will be able to understand and meet your own sexual needs and the needs of your partner.
Choose one of the aspects of sex to focus on this week, and complete the exercises listed in this post for that aspect.
References
Birnbaum, G. E., Reis, H. T., Mikulincer, M., Gillath, O., & Orpaz, A. (2006). When sex is more than just sex: Attachment orientations, sexual experience, and relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,91(5), 929-943. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022- 3514.91.5.929
Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Leavitt, C. E. (2013). Sexual wholeness in marriage: An LDS perspective on integrating sexuality and spirituality in our marriages. United States: Publisher not identified.
Campbell, A. (2008). The Morning after the Night Before: Affective Reactions to One-Night Stands among Mated and Unmated Women and Men. Human Nature,19(2), 157-173. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12110-008-9036-2
Hernandez-Kane, K. M., & Mahoney, A. (2018). Sex through a sacred lens: Longitudinal effects of sanctification of marital sexuality. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(4), 425–434. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000392
Johnson, S. (2015, July 28). The New Frontier of Sex & Intimacy | Dr Sue Johnson | TEDxUOttawa [Video file]. Retrieved August 20, 2020, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiVijMLH2-k
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, Relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497-509.
Perel, E. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. New York City, NY: Harper Paperbacks.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Take time to think about the current level of safety in your relationship. Do you feel safe with your partner? Does your partner feel safe with you? Why or why not? Choose one of the strategies above to help you foster either physical, emotional, or commitment safety in your relationship this week. 
Tammy Hill is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and sex therapist. She also teaches marriage and sexuality courses for Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life. Tammy enjoys hiking, playing pickle ball, painting, quilting and spending time with her large family. Learn more about Tammy by visiting her website at 
Choose one of the above ways to work on building equal partnership in your relationship this week.
