Power Couples – Page 2 – Healthy Humans Project

Love, Me, Mental Notes, Power Couples

Stress Making a Mess of Your Relationship?

September 11, 2021 No Comments

Cover photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels

Written by Emma Smith

They say that the only two certainties in life are death and taxes. If I may be so bold, I’d like to add stress to that list. Regardless of wealth, gender, or race you will experience stress in life. Moving, losing a job, starting a new job, the birth of a baby, the death of a family member are just a few of the major family stressors experienced by most families. These stressors have also been compounded in the last year with the major stressor of a global pandemic as recorded in the Harris Poll conducted in February of 2021.

Photo by **Edward Jenner** from **Pexels**

A representative sample of the US population reports that their stress has increased in a variety of categories in relation to the pandemic. Not only are people dealing with the expected stressors of life as mentioned previously, but they are more anxious to seek out health care, stressed about potential job loss and financial troubles, and experiencing weight gain (Harris Poll, 2021). People are struggling to cope with their stress in healthy ways. I know I have been, and it manifests in our relationships.

If I may, I would like to share a bit of my recent experience on the topic of relationship stress and what my husband and I have done to resolve it. In the past few months, my husband and I both quit our jobs, packed up our life, and moved to Texas for his graduate school. We were lucky enough to buy a home in Texas but as we know all too well, home ownership comes at a great price. In a matter of weeks, we found ourselves with a significantly reduced savings account and I found myself jobless and co-owner of a home in serious need of cleaning and repairs. We were stressed.

Photo by **Karolina Grabowska** from **Pexels**

For a while, I ran full-tilt into DIY home renovating with my excess of spare time. My projects were incredibly rewarding and I was really enjoying myself. That was until we ran out of our allotted project money. No project money, no more projects. That was about two weeks ago and I started to sweat. The stress of my continued joblessness despite my countless applications was taking its toll on me and on my marriage.

A Different Way of Looking at Stress

Enter, the ABC-X model developed by Reuben Hill (Hill, 1949; Hill 1971; Peterson et al., 2013). While grasping for something to help myself personally and my marriage as a whole, I remembered the ABC-X model for family stress and decided to use the model to help me in my stressful situation. Let’s walk through it.

A represents the event or situation causing the stress, the stressor (Boss et al., 2002; Peterson et al., 2013; Paragamet et al., 2013). In my case, my whole situation of joblessness and no more projects to distract me from my predicament are my A. B represents the resources available to the family experiencing the stress (Peterson et al., 2013). For many, resources can include family, friends, education, or coping strategies. Really anything that helps and acts as a buffer to the stressor (A) is a resource (B).

This is where I began to apply the model; I took a step back and asked myself, “What resources do I have?” I took more time applying for even more jobs and, because I am religious, I began praying daily for help to find a job that would hire me. I also reached out to my husband and told him about some of the feelings of inadequacy and frustration that I was feeling because of my perceived lack of contribution. Viewing my husband as a resource rather than a person I was actively disappointing helped lessen the stress on our marriage because I became less avoidant and fearful of judgement around him.

C represents the family’s perception of the stressor (Peterson et al., 2013). If the family’s perception of the stressor is that it is insurmountable or unmanageable, then the family will likely crack under the pressure. If the family views the stressor as a growth opportunity or a short period of trial, then the family will ultimately strengthen. It was at that moment that I also realized that I had been viewing this period of joblessness and never ending and I had been catastrophizing the whole situation in my own head. If I remain jobless, we will never financially recover from buying this home and we will never have savings again and so on. I needed to change my perspective (C) in order to reduce my stress and change the outcome of it all on my relationship.

That brings us to X, which represents the level of stress (Peterson et al., 2013). The stressor (A), the available resources (B), and the perception of the situation (C) all affect the level or severity of stress (X) felt by the family. In my situation, I was feeling very stressed and like my husband was judging or blaming me for my joblessness despite my efforts. However, when I drew upon my resources, including my husband, and changed my perspective, my level of stress and the stress on our relationship decreased substantially.

Though not guaranteed to work in every situation, this simplistic view of the ABC-X model could help you or your family cope with stress as it did mine. Start by identifying the stressor (A) and your available resources (B) both within and outside of the relationship. Then examine your perspective (C) of the situation; is it accurate or realistic? From there, draw upon your available resources and work to change faulty or pessimistic perspectives. As you do so, you should feel a lowered level of stress in your life and relationship.

Photo by **August de Richelieu** from **Pexels**

We cannot always remove stressors in our lives, but we can learn how to cope effectively and positively. Stressors do not have to crush us, they can instead strengthen us. It is a fact that fire burns wood but tempers, or hardens, steel. In a world of fire, are you made of wood or steel?

Practice using the ABC-X model in one of your relationships this week! Where are you currently experiencing stress? Identify the stressor, your resources for dealing with it, and your perception of the situation, and then evaluate how that impacts your stress level.

References

Boss, P., Bryant, C. M., & Mancini, J. A. (2002). Family Stress Management: A contextual approach (2nd ed.). SAGE.

Hill, R. (1949). Families under stress. Harper.

Hill, R. (1971). Families under stress; adjustment to the crises of war separation and reunion. Greenwood Press.

Pargament, K. I., Exline, J. J., Jones, J. W., Shafranske, E. P., & Walsh, F. (2013). In Apa Handbook of Psychology, Religion, and spirituality. essay, American Psychological Association.

Peterson, G. W., Bush, K. R., & Lavee, Y. (2013). In Handbook of marriage and the family. essay, Springer.

Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in Family Life and an emphasis in social work. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.

Power Couples

“Simply Put, Successful Couples are Attentive”

August 7, 2021 No Comments

Cover photo by Charly Pn on Unsplash

Written by Katrina Voorhees

In 1938, George Vaillant produced an unprecedented, monumental study on what brings happiness in life. Over the course of 70 years and with 800+ participants of men and women, his study analyzed every possible happiness variable from education and health to wealth and prominence. The final consensus? “Happiness equals love—full stop” (Vaillant, 2009). Perhaps this study simply emphasizes what we already know—beyond feeling rich, powerful, popular or even healthy, the most basic need we have is to feel loved. Romantic relationships provide a unique opportunity to know one another and to provide that need. As relational expert John Gottman put it, “Simply put, successful couples are attentive” (Fenske, et al. 2017).

Photo by **Anna Shvets** from **Pexels**

Being an attentive couple usually comes easily in the first stages of dating, but if that love and attention is not cultivated and couples are not careful, when stress hits—and it always does—much of the love and affection couples once so easily gave can dissipate. A good question to ask yourself is, how can you continue to be attentive and affectionate even when the pressure mounts? Here are just three ways that can make a world of difference to you and your significant other.

1. Date night

Cliché, I know, but taking time to get away, just the two of you, is a huge statement. Date night is your time to say, “I see you. I care about you. You matter to me.” It can provide a much-needed break from the monotony of life and allow time to reconnect and stay current in each other’s lives. Research has shown that husbands and wives who engaged in couple time with their partners at least once a week were approximately 3.5 times more likely to report being “very happy” in their marriages, compared to those who enjoyed less quality time with their spouse. This practice must be allowed to continue for couples to thrive (Wilcox & Dew, 2012).

2. Physical touch

As simple as it may sound, small simple gestures of affection can go a long way in a relationship. Small acts of physical affection—such as holding hands in public, giving back scratches, and tousling their hair—remind your partner that you are there, you are real, and that you have their back. It also shows the rest of the world that you claim them as your own. Obviously, the importance of physical intimacy cannot be overstated here—but often it’s the small gestures of love that keep the fire burning.

3. Communication

Take some time to talk every day. When couples spend long hours apart, the time they spend alone goes unknown unless they take the time to share about it. Your partner is your outlet, your confidant, your cheerleader, therapist and companion all wrapped into one. Talk about a gift! So take the time to be present with the one you love and connect on an emotional level. Communication is one of the most powerful tools in breaking down the wall between you two and allowing you to become one.

Think of all the time, attention, and conversation couples create during their first stages of dating. Knowing all the joy that stage of life can bring, it only makes sense that couples work to recreate those same intimate moments and work over a lifetime to help their partner feel loved.

Perhaps Susan Sarandon said it best in her classic movie Shall We Dance:

“We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet…I mean, what does one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things…all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’” (Shall We Dance, 2004).

Choose at least one of the following to do this week:

Surprise your partner with a date night! Bonus points if you can base your activity on something they enjoy doing.

Give your partner a nice back massage. Maybe they’ll even return the favor!

Schedule some time to talk about your day. Ask your partner how they are really doing and make sure you put your phones away and make eye contact! You might find it’s one of the most enjoyable parts of your day.

References

Fenske, S. R. (2017). John M. Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Douglas Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams. (2016). The Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the “Love Lab” About What Women Really Want. New York: Rodale, Inc. $22.99. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 16(1), 77–78. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2017.1270673

Making Marriage Work | Dr. John Gottman. (2018, January 30). [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKTyPgwfPgg

Toshiko Kaneda. (2020, January 23). How Many People Have Ever Lived on Earth? Population Reference Bureau. https://scorecard.prb.org/howmanypeoplehaveeverlivedonearth/#:%7E:text=Given%20the%20current%20global%20population%20of%20about%207.5,billion%20people%20will%20have%20ever%20lived%20on%20Earth.

Shall We Dance? (2004) | ‘Witness to Your Life’ (HD) – Susan Sarandon, Richard Jenkins | MIRAMAX. (2016, April 13). [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FfW5iTe61k

Vaillant, G. (2009, July 16). Yes, I Stand by My Words, “Happiness Equals Love—Full Stop.” Positive Psychology News. https://positivepsychologynews.com/news/george-vaillant/200907163163

University of Virginia, & Brad Wilcox and Jeffrey Dew, U. (2012). The Date night Opportunity What Does Couple Time Tell Us About the Potential Value of Date Nights. University of Virginia. http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/NMP-DateNight.pdf

Katrina Louise Voorhees is an undergraduate student at Brigham Young University where she studies relationships, family and art. She has a beautiful family and an outstanding extended family. She recently married her best friend, Paul Voorhees, who makes her laugh every day. Besides writing and romance she is also crazy about painting, singing, deep conversations, good books and ice cream.

Guest Writers, Power Couples, Reaching Higher

How Faith Practices Can Benefit Your Marriage

July 17, 2021 No Comments

Photo by Monstera from Pexels

Written by Sarah Watt, Brigham Young University

I sat in a church pew next to my husband. A familiar hymn played in the background, and I heard my husband’s sweet tenor voice join the rest of the congregation. I was overcome with a sense of gratitude that we shared the same faith. We grew up singing the same sacred songs and reading the same sacred scriptures. Sharing the same faith-based practices and background helps us to connect on a deeper level and build a stronger relationship.

When couples engage in faith-based practices together, positive results tend to emerge. According to W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, “Religion generally fosters more happiness, greater stability, and a deeper sense of meaning in American family life, provided that family members – especially spouses – share a common faith” (Wilcox, 2017).

Faith-based practices like praying as a couple and attending church are not only beneficial to one’s personal spirituality, but they may also lead to a stronger foundation with your partner. This stronger foundation can fortify marriage against life’s inevitable storms, providing additional resources to overcome challenges together.

Praying Together

While there are many benefits associated with individual prayer, there are also benefits that come from praying with your partner. According to a study conducted by the American Psychological Association, partner-focused petitionary prayer is often associated with increased commitment in romantic relationships (Fincham, 2013). Praying together tends to help couples feel bonded on a spiritual level and can help each partner be more dedicated to making the marriage flourish.

Praying with or for your partner is associated with higher levels of selfless love, which leads to a greater willingness to forgive (Lambert et al., 2009). In turn, a greater willingness to forgive can help marital disputes to be resolved more quickly. In a study conducted by Florida State University, researchers developed a series of three studies examining how prayer and relational trust were correlated (Lambert et al., 2011). The study found that praying with and for a partner was related to higher levels of trust and unity within the relationship. It has also been shown that praying with a partner can lead to decreased likelihood of infidelity and greater levels of relationship satisfaction (Partrick, 2017). Couples who pray together, it seems, are in fact better equipped to stay together.

Photo by **Brett Sayles** from **Pexels**

Attending Church Together

The same might be said about attending church. Research conducted by W. Bradford Wilcox examined the role of couples’ church attendance and its effects on overall marital satisfaction (Wilcox, 2017). The results showed that couples are more likely to report higher levels of marital happiness when both partners are attending church compared to couples where neither partner attends church. This trend can be seen across several racial demographics including black, white, and Latino couples.

One of the benefits of attending church together is that it allows couples to engage in a shared spiritual experience. The shared experience of going to church with my husband continuously helps us to strengthen the spiritual aspect of our relationship together. Not only do we engage in religious practice as a couple, we also engage with other members of our religious community. Research suggests that “couples who attend church together enjoy significantly happier relationships . . . because they socialize with friends who share their faith and especially because they pray with one another” (Wilcox, 2017). Friends and members of the faith community can also act as a support for the couple when they face challenges in life or in their marriage. This extended support system may increase happiness within marriage and be another positive outcome of attending church together.

Photo by **SHAHBAZ AKRAM** from **Pexels**

Reading Religious Texts Together

While we may value having religious texts within our home, we may not readily recognize the marital benefits of reading religious texts with our spouse. According to the American Families of Faith project, which researched the role that religion played in the lives of individuals, couples, and families, many couples of various religions rely on religious texts as if they were “self-help” books (Marks & Dollahite, 2016). This can be beneficial when we, along with our spouse, seek answers to the challenges we face on a regular basis. We may experience added comfort and assistance, especially when faced with conflicts.

Photo by **Tima Miroshnichenko** from **Pexels**

Overcoming Challenges Together

When we experience conflicts within our marriages, we can turn to our faith practices in order to find comfort. According to a study concerning spiritual intimacy, “[G]reater spiritual intimacy offers couples a spiritual resource to motivate them to remain kind and resist the urge to ‘go negative’ when they discuss their core conflicts” (Briggs, 2014). The religious aspect of marriages can have tremendous power to provide a broader perspective when conflicts arise, possibly allowing the disagreement to come to a resolution sooner.

Continuing to develop a spiritual foundation has also been shown to increase feelings of calm and hopefulness which may help each partner be more optimistic, altruistic, and forgiving. Participating in shared religiosity provides us with more resources from which we can draw upon (Briggs, 2014). For example, a couple may pause a fight in order to pray together which could have a significant influence on how the argument is resolved and how the couple feels about each other after the issue is solved (Dallas, 2017). Ultimately, a shared religious foundation has the potential to help marriages endure the challenges of life.

Although we can all find areas to improve upon within the spiritual aspects of our lives, it is important to notice the fruits of our religion-focused labors. As we continually build upon a spiritual foundation with our spouses, we can feel a sense of hopefulness as we take a step back and recognize the tremendous blessings that come into our marriages as we engage in faith-based practices.

Choose a faith-based practice to focus on with your partner this week. Make it a priority together.

References

Briggs, D. (2014, December 9). 5 Ways faith contributes to strong marriages, new studies suggest. The Huffington Post. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/5-ways-faith-contributes_b_6294716

Dallas, K., (2017, February 10). Why religious compatibility matters in relationships. Deseret News. https://www.deseret.com/2017/2/10/20605844/why-religious-compatibility-matters-in-relationships

Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R., (2013). I say a little prayer for you: Praying for partner increases commitment in romantic relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 28(5), 587-593. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034999

Lambert, N. M., Fincham, F. D., LaValee, D. C., & Brantley, C. W., (2011). Praying together and staying together: Couple prayer and trust. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 4(1), 1-9. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0023060

Lambert N. M., Fincham F. D., Stillman T. F., Graham S. M., & Beach S. R., (2009). Motivating change in relationships: Can prayer increase forgiveness? Psychological Science, 21(1), 126-32. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797609355634

Marks, L.D., & Dollahite, D.C. (2016). Religion and families: An introduction. Routledge. https://americanfamiliesoffaith.byu.edu/

Patrick, W. L., (2017, June 10). Match made in heaven: Why couples who pray together stay together. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201706/match-made-in-heavencouples-who-pray-together-stay-together#:~:text=Pray%20Together%2C%20Stay%20Together,a%20match%20made%20in%20Heaven

Wilcox, W. (2017, July 6). Faith and marriage: Better together? Institute for Family Studies. https://ifstudies.org/blog/faith-and-marriage-better-together

Sarah Watt graduates from Brigham Young University this year with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies. She also has an associate degree in paralegal studies from the University of Alaska Fairbanks and plans to start law school next year. She was born and raised in Alaska but loves the warm and sunny weather of Utah. She married her best friend, Jace, last year and they love hiking, camping, and adventuring together.

Power Couples

A Simple Fix: Developing Humility in Our Relationships

May 29, 2021 No Comments

Cover Photo by Gustavo Fring from Pexels

Written by Emma Smith

When we were little, “please” was the “magic word” that unlocked the endless possibilities of candy, cookies, and a myriad of other highly coveted items in the world of a child. As we progressed to adulthood, saying “please” has become a habit (hopefully) for many of us. So, now that we are grown, are there still “magic words” that can help us to achieve our ultimate goals? I say yes, and in many situations these words are “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you.”

While a potentially simple fix, apologizing and forgiving can be incredibly difficult. Apologies and forgiveness require humility which requires an absence of pride. Pride and humility are by definition opposites. Humility is defined as “the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one’s own importance, rank, etc.” (dictionary.com). Pride, on the other hand, is defined as “a high or inordinate opinion of one’s own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.” (dictionary.com). It can be difficult to let go of this cherished mindset and view of self, but I promise that it is worth it.

Potential Benefits of Humility

Several studies in recent years have examined the potential benefits of humility in relationships. The results of one such study suggested that when both partners in a couple are humble, both the partners reported lower levels of depression, less stress, and greater relationship satisfaction following a stressful event (Van Tongeren et al., 2017). Another study implies that when a partner engages in the relationship unselfishly, the partner is viewed as humble and the relationship is viewed as a good investment which then could increase relationship quality (Farrell et al., 2015). Viewing one’s partner as humble, whether they are or not, could also have a positive effect on the relationship. As many world religions uphold humility as a virtue, it then logically follows that if a partner is viewed as possessing a positive attribute, there would then be better relationship outcomes (Chelladurai et al., 2021).

Developing Humility to Benefit Our Relationships

These recent studies tell us that it certainly would not hurt to work to develop humility within ourselves for the benefit of our relationships. This then begs the question, what can we do to develop humility? As previously established, humility is held as a virtue in religions. I would suggest that one of the possible ways to develop humility can be found in a religious source, the Holy Bible. In Matthew 26:22, the apostles ask Christ a very important question when they learn of the future betrayal of their Master by one of them: “Lord, is it I?”

I would suggest that we ask a similar question of ourselves when we encounter problems in our relationships. We can ask ourselves, “What is my part in this issue? Might I be at fault here?” Even asking these simple, yet important questions can help us change our point of view, thus increasing objectivity and helping us find truth more easily (Warner, 2016). Taking a step back and looking at the situation as a whole can help us see all the parts of the problem, rather than just seeing our partner as the problem.

Learning to Apologize Effectively

Once we have asked ourselves what our part in the issue was and, ideally, recognize our part, then we can take a step towards our partners in love and apologize. We know both from life experience and research that apologies are an effective fix for injured feelings (Kirchhoff et al., 2012). What we don’t always know though, is how to effectively apologize. While the level of apology required will vary widely depending on the couple and the severity of the offense, there are some general guidelines to follow when making an apology. First, emotions should be conveyed and fault should be admitted (Kirchhoff et al., 2012). For example: “I feel terrible. I realized halfway through work today that it is our anniversary.” Then, state the apology and, if appropriate (read the room), offer an explanation (Kirchhoff et al., 2012). Continued example: “I know how much this anniversary meant to you and I am so sorry I missed it. I was so wrapped up in the project I had due tonight that I didn’t think of what day it was.”

Creating your apology around the simple guides of conveying emotions, admitting fault, stating your apology, and attempting an explanation will lay the groundwork for you and your partner to move forward in your relationship to repair the damage and hurt. It certainly is not always easy to apologize but it is well worth it. Research suggests that a well formed apology can aid in forgiveness, reduce anger, and help heal the relationship (Kirchhoff et al., 2012).

Photo by **Ketut Subiyanto** from **Pexels**

Focusing on a Repair Attempt

While a well formed apology is incredibly helpful in the healing process of the relationship, repair attempts are also important (Khalaf, 2021). A repair attempt after a disagreement can come in many forms. I suggest choosing the kind of repair attempt based on the love language of your partner. For example, if your partner’s love language is physical touch, then perhaps after apologizing, you can offer a hug, kiss, or another physical sign of affection to your partner as a repair attempt to aid in healing. If your partner’s love language is acts of service, serve them. If their love language is gifts, buy a small gift. Know your partner and know what helps them feel loved and this will greatly aid in repair attempts.

As with most worthwhile endeavors, humility and apologizing are not easy, but they will get easier over time and with practice. When encountering problems in a relationship, take the time to ask “Might I be at fault here?” and when you are able to identify your part in the problem, own it and apologize. It may be difficult to swallow pride and admit guilt, but in the end, which would you rather have: Your pride, or your relationship?

Re-read this article and choose one of the questions (or think of your own) that will help you dive deeper into your own humility in relationships. For example, “May I be at fault here?” or “How can I make a repair attempt in one of my relationships?”

References

Chelladurai, J. M., Kelley, H. H., Marks, L. D., & Dollahite, D. C. (2021). Humility in family relationships: Exploring how humility influences relationships in religious families. Journal of Family Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000860

Dictionary.com. (2021). Humility. Dictionary.com. https://www.dictionary.com/browse/humility.

Dictionary.com. (2021). Pride. Dictionary.com. https://www.dictionary.com/browse/pride.

Farrell, J. E., Hook, J. N., Ramos, M., Davis, D. E., Van Tongeren, D. R., & Ruiz, J. M. (2015). Humility and relationship outcomes in couples: The mediating role of commitment. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 4(1), 14–26. https://doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000033

Kirchhoff, J., Wagner, U., & Strack, M. (2012). Apologies: Words of magic? The role of verbal components, anger reduction, and offence severity. Peace and Conflict: Journal of Peace Psychology, 18(2), 109–130. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0028092

Khalaf, D. and C. (2021, March 30). How to Make Repair Attempts So Your Partner Feels Loved. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/make-repair-attempts-partner-feels-loved/#:~:text=A%20repair%20attempt%20is%20any,weapon%20of%20emotionally%20intelligent%20couples

Van Tongeren, D. R., Hook, J. N., Ramos, M. J., Edwards, M., Worthington, E. L., Davis, D. E., … Osae-Larbi, J. A. (2017). The complementarity of humility hypothesis: Individual, relational, and physiological effects of mutually humble partners. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 14(2), 178–187. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2017.1388433

Warner, C. T. (2016). Doing the right thing. In Bonds that make us free: healing our relationships, coming to ourselves (pp. 227–229). Shadow Mountain.

Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma is currently a Family Life major with an emphasis in social work at BYU. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.

Love, Me, Single Souls

On Being Single: Becoming Your Best Self

May 15, 2021 No Comments

Cover Photo by Christina Morillo from Pexels

Written by Alyssa Carroll

I’m a 23-year-old college senior and I’m single. I am an introvert and I have a small group of friends. My last relationship was when I was a senior in high school. Honestly, I’m not sure it could even be considered a relationship, but that is beside the point. What I’m trying to say is that I am super single and 2020 definitely wrecked my already non-existent dating life. Most people I know are either married, in a committed relationship (and basically married) or they are super single. It is hard to meet people when you are an introvert in an extroverted world, and living in a pandemic this year has made it 10x harder.

Modern society is of the opinion that single people are unhappy, lonely, and unsuccessful until they are in a romantic relationship (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). We all need connection with other humans to be happy and we all want to be loved, but just because you are single does not mean that you are cursed to a life of depression and lonely nights eating ice cream while you watch your comfort rom-com. It is possible for people in marriage or committed relationships to be severely unhappy and overwhelmed (Anderson & Stewart, 1994), and it is totally possible to be happy and successful if you are single (Card, 2019)! I’ll be the first one to admit that I am still learning how to enjoy being single, but I want to share three things that can help us singletons work towards becoming our best selves even when single.

Photo by Martin Péchy from Pexels

#1: Get to Know Yourself and Learn to Love You

When you are single it is important to ask yourself: “Do I like myself?”; “Would I like myself if no one liked me?”; and “Do I feel comfortable with me?”. You might feel uncomfortable asking yourself these questions because they are hard to answer! It takes time and effort to truly know and love yourself. Being single allows you to take the time you need to learn to love yourself and work on aspects of your life that you want to improve (Valentine, 2016)!

When you know yourself well enough to answer yes to those questions, you can become more confident and can better understand your purpose in life. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is a great resource for getting to know yourself better (Princing, 2018). I have been going to therapy for a while and through it, I have become more self-aware and more confident in who I am.

Learning to love yourself can be a painful process. Most of us have things that we do not like about ourselves. This is because we are human and we are not perfect. We all have weaknesses, and we tend to focus on negative things more than positive things (Goodman, 2021). You can learn to love yourself by realizing who you truly are. Personality or enneagram tests can help you discover more about yourself and see the good in who you are right now.

Photo by Ivan Samkov from Pexels

#2: Explore New Hobbies and Passions

Take advantage of this time to try new things and learn new hobbies or explore passions that you already have! Take classes on Skillshare, look for free classes at community centers, or grab a book on a topic that interests you. Tackle a new hobby in whatever way makes you comfortable, or push yourself to step out of your comfort zone!

One (free) way to start your deep dive into new hobbies is to look up YouTube videos on things that sound interesting. YouTube has an endless supply of videos for literally any topic or hobby you could think of. I recently spent a few hours watching crocheting tutorials for beginners, just because it sounded cool to learn how to crochet.

It is rewarding to learn something new, especially if you taught yourself a new skill! Hobbies enhance our lives and are a relaxing way to be productive. Developing new hobbies and exploring your passions can improve your general mental health and can be a good coping mechanism for symptoms of depression.

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#3: Be Brave! Do Things For You

Over the years I have heard many people say things like: “When I get married I want to buy a Vitamix”; “When I get married I want to travel the world”; or “When I get married I want to start a business”. Who said we can’t do those things before getting married? Be brave and do those things for yourself! You don’t have to put off buying a Vitamix until you are married. Yeah, it would be nice to put that on a wedding registry, but if you have the money saved up, go ahead and splurge on it for yourself!

There are a myriad of things you can do to be brave and do something for you. You can move to that different state that has your dream job. You can go on your bucket list trip alone (or with friends—either way, make sure you are being safe!). You can take yourself out to dinner. You can go to graduate school. You can write a book. You can start that business.

There is a fine line between doing things for you and being selfish. We, unfortunately, do have to have some sense of responsibility and maturity as adults, but the world is your oyster and you don’t have to wait to be in a serious relationship to do the things that you have always wanted to do. Time spent on yourself is never time wasted.

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Conclusion

Don’t put pressure on yourself for being single! It is easy to feel overwhelmed and stressed about your eternal singlehood when everyone around you is getting married or going on five dates a week. Learning to live your best life while you are single will increase your self-worth which will benefit you now and in the future stages of your life.

Single or not, it’s never the wrong time to work toward becoming our best selves! Choose one of the above points to work on this week: Get to know and love yourself, explore new hobbies and passions, or be brave and do something for you!

References

Anderson, C., & Stewart, S. (1994). Flying solo: Single women in midlife. New York: W. W. Norton.

Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation Vol. 117. Psychological Bulletin.

Cannon, M. (2017, July 17). How hobbies can booth your mental health and help fight depression. The Crafty Jackalope, Shopify. https://www.thecraftyjackalope.com/blogs/the-inspiration-place/how-hobbies-can-boost-your-mental-health-and-help-fight-depression-click-here-to-comment

Card, R. (2019, July 29). Picking your tile and other fun things about being single in adulthood. Q.NOOR, October Ink. https://qnoor.com/blogs/news/picking-your-tile-and-other-fun-things-about-being-single

ColumbiaAbAdmin. (2018, December 12). Life of a student: The importance of having a hobby. Columbia College at Calgary. https://www.columbia.ab.ca/the-importance-of-having-a-hobby/#:~:text=Hobbies%20give%20you%20an%20opportunity,risk%20of%20depression%20and%20dementia.

Goodman, W. LMFT [@sitwithwhit]. (2021, February 3). We struggle with being positive because the human brain is more likely to: remember traumatic experiences more than positive ones [Photograph]. Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/p/CK2V2-MDWdM/

Merriam-Webster. (n.d.). Cognitive-behavioral therapy. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved February 4, 2021, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cognitive%20behavioral%20therapy

Princing, M. (2018, July 16). These at-home cognitive behavioral therapy tips can help ease your anxieties. Right as Rain, UW Medicine. https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/mind/stress/these-home-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-tips-can-help-ease-your-anxieties#:~:text=CBT%20is%20a%20form%20of,order%20to%20ease%20your%20distress.

TEDx Talks. (2013, September 13). Owning Alone: conquering your fear of being solo: Teresa Rodriguez at TEDxWilmington [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EZVwRQHiaM

TEDx Talks. (2018, July 19). What a time to be alone! Releasing the fear of being alone [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=babcNWX64yM&list=LL&index=1&t=560s

Valentine, T. (2016, January 15). How to be single and love it. FamilyToday. https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/how-to-be-single-and-love-it/

Young Entrepreneur Council (YEC). (2017, March 22). 8 ways to be a more confident person. Success. https://www.success.com/8-ways-to-be-a-more-confident-person/

Alyssa Carroll is from Highland, Utah. She is an undergraduate student at BYU studying Human Development and Family Studies. She enjoys learning about sexual mindfulness and healthy communication in dating and marriage relationships. She is passionate about helping emerging adults develop a healthy attitude towards sex and sexuality, and she strives to be an advocate for mental health. In her spare time, she loves reading, watching movies, and going out to eat.

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