The #metoo campaign of a month ago left me thinking about my own experiences, and the experiences of many of my loved ones.
Sexual assault strips lives in a way that nothing else can, leaving a victim with an intense sense of loss, devaluation, confusion, pain, and often shame. Now that I have used the word ‘victim’, I want to stray from it, and use the term ‘survivor’ from this point forward.
There are many circumstances in which sexual abuse occurs, but because most survivors are abused as minors, I will speak about healing from CSA (child sexual abuse).
Seek Therapy
First, therapy is an important part of healing. Therapists can help survivors process through the trauma and make peace with it (Duvall et al., 2020). They also can work with the families of survivors to help them understand how they can be supportive and empathic while still maintaining healthy boundaries (Eék et al., 2020). This process is especially important when a survivor of CSA is preparing to get married, or enter into a significant, romantic relationship.
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When one has been abused as a child, their beliefs about sex, pleasure and their body change. Survivors are at great risk of becoming either 1) promiscuous, subconsciously searching for love and attachment in unhealthy ways, or 2) abstinent out of fear, wanting to avoid sex altogether (Deliramich & Gray, 2008).
I know of a couple who had been married for twenty plus years. She had been sexually abused when she was a young child, and still, twenty years later, because she and her husband had not received any kind of treatment, having sex was a traumatic experience for her – every single time. Consequently, sex was a bi-annual occasion. Being able to be close to her husband was mentally draining. The couple began to see a therapist regularly. She was able to process through her abuse, and he was able to understand her needs, fears and the two began to develop a healthy sexual relationship.
For those who are preparing to have a sexual relationship with their partners, I strongly encourage premarital counseling (I endorse it anyway, but even more so in this case). A therapist will help the survivor be more comfortable with the sexual experience. He/she will also help the partner be more aware of the survivor’s triggers.
A note: therapy takes time. It is not a magical fix, and requires work. It does work, but only as much as you choose to.
Create a Sexual Script
I tell this to everyone considering becoming sexually active in a relationship, but it is especially important in cases of CSA. Create a sexual script. This script outlines in detail what sex will be like the first few times, from undressing, to foreplay, to penetration, and so on. Sex at first needs to be slow. It is not a race, it is about intimacy. Creating a script helps the abused know what is up – it removes the element of surprise, and therefore a significant amount of stress. It helps the partner know what is safe to do and not to do. This script minimizes the chances of re-traumatizing the survivor. And don’t worry, this script does not need to be followed every time. As the couple becomes comfortable with each other, and as a bond of safety, trust and comfort is built, there will be plenty of room for exploring. Having said that, communicate.
Communicate Needs
A couple’s sex life reflects the quality of their relationship. Conversely, the couple’s relationship directly reflects the quality of their sex life (Fallis et al., 2014). In other words, if your sex life is not great, your relationship needs repair. But if your relationship is struggling, your sex life could use some work. Being on the same page about sex is important.
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Sexual intimacy consists of two people, with vastly different needs and ideas. It is important that those needs and ideas are communicated.
As a survivor myself, I remember the first time I had a panic attack during sex. My husband did nothing wrong, though he thought he did and felt terrible. I remember him holding me and soothing me. When I was calm, I processed through what had triggered me and why I had felt unsafe. My husband did not blame me for ruining what could have been a romantic evening. He did not tell me to get over it. He was understanding, and asked what he could do differently in the future. After that terrifying experience, I found myself hesitating to be sexually intimate, not realizing that my not putting out was negatively effecting my husband, and consequently our relationship. He communicated to me that he wanted to feel close to me, and felt disconnected. We were able to have a conversation to help us get on track again. This worked, and our funk only lasted a few weeks because he communicated with me, and I with him.
Take Accountability
Survivors sometimes sabotage their relationships. The unconscious belief tends to be that because of the way someone treated them, they cannot trust others, and therefore others must be kept at a distance. Many also add to that working belief that they are damaged goods because of the abuse, and so who could really want and value them?
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Survivors need to be aware of this, recognize when they are falling into this trap, and work themselves out of it. Sometimes processing through this with their partner is sufficient, sometimes it requires a therapeutic process. And sometimes, it just requires that the survivor pull himself/herself up, stop playing the victim, and get to work.
What it comes down to, is that a survivor is not responsible for their sexual abuse. It is not their fault. Period. That being the case, survivors are responsible for taking part in the healing process and relationships following. You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control what you do because of it. Not allowing people to come close to you, or refusing to let yourself accept love, is an unhealthy, sad, and unfortunate choice.
Sexual intimacy is beautiful, and important. The bonding that takes place is unparalleled. A couple gets to create their own sexual relationship, and it always take time. The time is worth it.
References
Deliramich, A. N., & Gray, M. J. (2008). Changes in women’s sexual behavior following sexual assault. Behavior Modification, 32(5), 611–621. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0145445508314642
Duval, E. R., Sheynin, J., King, A. P., Phan, K. L., Simon, N. M., Martis, B., Porter, K. E., Norman, S. B., Liberzon, I., & Rauch, S. A. M. (2020). Neural function during emotion processing and modulation associated with treatment response in a randomized clinical trial for posttraumatic stress disorder. Depression and Anxiety, 37(7), 670–681. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1002/da.23022
Eék, N., Romberg, K., Siljeholm, O., Johansson, M., Andreasson, S., Lundgren, T., Fahlke, C., Ingesson, S., Bäckman, L., & Hammarberg, A. (2020). Efficacy of an internet-based community reinforcement and family training program to increase treatment engagement for AUD and to improve psychiatric health for CSOs: A randomized controlled trial. Alcohol and Alcoholism, 55(2), 187–195. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1093/alcalc/agz095
Fallis, E. E., Rehman, U. S., & Purdon, C. (2014). Perceptions of partner sexual satisfaction in heterosexual committed relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 43(3), 541–550. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10508-013-0177-y
Jones, S. L., & Hostler, H. R. (2002). Sexual Script Theory: An integrative exploration of the possibilities and limits of sexual self-definition. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 30(2), 120–130.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Dealing with a mental illness can sometimes feel like you are drowning. When your own brain seems to be fighting against you, how do you cope? My own struggles have taught me that, while it takes work, finding health, hope, and joy while still living with mental illness is certainly possible. In this post, I hope to share with you some general principles that have helped me in dealing with my own mental illness, particularly when it comes to romantic relationships. Keep in mind that while I am largely informed by research from my college studies, this information is heavily based on personal experience. I have generalized anxiety disorder, which can lead to severe depression when left unchecked. I absolutely understand that everyone’s own mental health journey is unique and individual, and that not every suggestion I have will work in the same way for everyone. I encourage you to adapt the ideas in this post to your own needs.
#1 Do not base your happiness on your relationship status
I know this is so much easier said than done, but it really is essential! So many people (including those who don’t struggle with mental illness) feel like all of their issues and problems would be fixed if they could just find a great boyfriend or girlfriend to take care of them. While having a healthy relationship can bring incredible joy and fulfillment, relationships change, and you need to learn to manage your mental illness outside of your relationship. Learning how to love and take care of yourself is paramount to learning how to love and take care of someone else. Finding joy in developing your passions and talents, and discovering your best self will make any relationships that you have with others more full and will allow you to be happy even when you are rocking the single scene.
Sometimes in the realm of mental illness, people refer to those who struggle as “broken”. This has always bothered me! While my brain chemistry may not function in the typical way, and my hormones may need help to balance properly, I am still a whole, complete, and joyful human being. I don’t have to be “fixed” in order to love and be loved, and I am not defined by my anxiety and depression. Realizing this has helped me in my own personal journey towards living in the present and working through the hard days. However, in understanding that we are not “broken”, we should also work on accepting and acknowledging that mental illness is a part of our lives. Do not be afraid to own that part of yourself! It does not help, nor is it healthy, to deny when we are struggling or to ignore the parts of us that can be more painful. One of my very close friends once told me, “You have to feel it to heal it.” I love this concept. Seeing ourselves as we really are and admitting that we struggle is the first step to healing the very real pain that mental illness can cause.
#3 Ask for help – Professional and Otherwise
My own personal struggle with perfectionism, as well as the stigma often surrounding mental illness, made it difficult at first for me to reach out and ask for help when it came to my anxiety and depression. Now, however, I don’t know what I would do without the help that I receive from the many different resources that I’ve discovered around me! I have a therapist who has helped me discover the things that trigger my own anxiety along with arming me with tools to help manage it when things get tough. I see doctors and take a medication that helps with the chemical imbalances in my body. I have wonderful family and friends who check in frequently and make sure that I’m doing alright. I have even had kind strangers reach out and offer to help however they can! There is a wide variety of resources available to those of us who struggle with mental illness, and it is important to figure out what works for you!
Photo by Anne Healey Photography
When it comes to my relationship with my husband, I feel like my mental illness has brought us closer together as a unit. While we both understand that it is not my husband’s job to make my anxiety or depression go away, we’ve been able to learn and discover together how he can best support and help me through my hardest days. It has required us to communicate, have patience, and it frequently gives us opportunities to serve and be served. Striving for equal partnership in our relationship has been essential in helping me feel like I am not a burden in spite of my anxiety. While Mark doesn’t struggle with any sort of mental illness, he has other needs that allow me to serve him, and we are always seeking to lift and support each other.
The key to asking for and receiving help is vulnerability – you HAVE to be willing to admit that you need help in order to receive it! Be kind to yourself, and accept help from others as the true gift that it is.
#4 Believe that you are worthy of love (and make a plan to remind yourself)
Often our mental illnesses can make us feel like we don’t deserve to be in a relationship, or that no one will ever love us. This is a lie! It may take a bit longer to find the right person for you, but it is absolutely possible, and you are ALWAYS worthy of love.
When I first met my husband Mark, I was in the process of seeing a counselor and working through my anxiety. I was very nervous to tell him, because it showed him that I wasn’t perfect (shocker), and it required me to be incredibly vulnerable. I was afraid that the fact that I struggle with anxiety and depression would scare him away and that he wouldn’t want to be with me any more because of it. When I confided in him, however, he reacted better than I could have ever hoped for. He responded with complete love and understanding, and he kindly asked me questions about what I was dealing with so that he could better understand and show me love in the way I needed it. My vulnerability allowed him to express empathy, and actually deepened our relationship rather than weakening it. I understand that this is not always the case when we open up to others, and our struggles can sometimes scare people away. However, it is important to understand that those who choose to run away because of our mental illness either don’t understand and are afraid because they don’t know how to help, or aren’t really worth our time anyway. Those who are worth it and who truly understand YOUR real worth will stick around. And while they may take a while to enter the picture, trust me, they are worth the wait.
Mental illness distorts our perspective, and can make it incredibly difficult to see ourselves as we really are – particularly when it comes to self-worth. To help combat this, try creating a “toolkit” for days where you are feeling especially down. This kit can include letters from family or friends who care about you, pampering items like bath bombs or chocolate, a favorite movie or book, music that you love, a hobby that you particularly enjoy (for me, that’s drawing or crochet), anything that helps you feel comforted and/or more like yourself. Any time you are having a hard day, pull out your kit and remind yourself that you are worth loving!
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Opinion Piece written by Aubrey-Dawn and Richard Palmer
We recently talked about how sometimes after the honeymoon, and the kids, and the house, and the career come along, our spouse ends up at the bottom of our to-do list. Even we have said to each other, “I’ll kiss you when I finish…” or, “A date is not in the cards this week”. We have also said to each other, “I really need a date.”
Sometimes that means it has been a long week, and we need a break. Sometimes it means we feel disconnected. Sometimes it means we need to play, or relax, or feel sexy, or just get out. In marriage, couples develop a routine. Having a routine is important, but if things become too routine, romantic partners become mundane roommates.
Dating reminds us that we come first. Not me. Not him/her. Us. Work, infertility treatments, bills, errands, volunteer work, and extended family are a few pieces of our crazy lives. But it isn’t really about any of that. We come first, and dating helps us keep that perspective. It keeps us unified, and refreshes and gives us the energy we need to keep up with other demands. It both helps us accomplish our to-do lists, and reminds us who should be at the top of it (pun intended!).
Richard’s experience: “Once we didn’t go on a date for a somewhat long period of time, and there was little reason for me to do anything extra – dress up, perform well at work, or even clean the house. I forgot to do the little things – bringing home a rose, making the bed, or giving her a goodnight kiss. I didn’t joke with her as much, and there wasn’t the same motivation to make her laugh. Obviously I still loved her, and I still did things for her, like rub her back at night to help her fall asleep, but my priorities did change. It was more about serious, ‘life’ stuff, than about our relationship.”
Dates can and must take many forms.
Variety is important. Let dates reflect either the climate of your relationship, or the needs of you and your partner. For example, if the climate of your relationship has been playful, you might go to an arcade, out dancing, or to a sporting event you both enjoy. Or, if you and your partner have had a particularly difficult week, you might get couples massages, or stay home, order takeout, and watch a movie or play games. Our favorite though, is to hike or drive to the top of a mountain, eat dinner, watch the sun set, and talk about absolutely nothing relevant.
Your dating experience needs to be tailored to your relationship, and only you and your partner can do that. Dates can be simple, fancy, long, short, playful, romantic, active, relaxing, cathartic, sexy or a combination of things. You decide, but switch it up.
Balance spontaneous and planned dates.
The difference between the two is the level of commitment. A spontaneous date could look something like this: “On the way home from grocery shopping, why don’t we stop and grab ice cream?” (In case you’re confused, grocery shopping is NOT a date. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t make a little date before or after.) The commitment level is lower, but it also shows that you are thinking of your significant other and that you care enough to buy them that ice cream cone. A planned date might be something like, “I got a reservation to our favorite restaurant and then afterwards we are going to see that play we have wanted to see for so long.” These kinds of dates require a higher level of commitment because you are prioritizing in advance, and thinking more in an us mind set: we love this restaurant, and we have wanted to see this play for a while now. Both are needed and essential to having a successful dating life in marriage.
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Accommodate for differing interests when dating.
While most of the time, dates need to be activities that both parties enjoy, or at least do not detest, occasionally it is important to plan a date that is tailored to the needs of your significant other.
Photo by Matt W Newman on Unsplash
Aubrey-Dawn’s experience: “When I was still in college, I had one particularly stressful semester. My husband knew that I was stressed. I told him that I would be staying late to study. When I came home that evening, I found some of my clothes on the bed with instructions to put them on, which I did. When I went into the kitchen, I discovered that my husband had made dinner, set a beautiful table with a couple of roses, and written me a long, thoughtful note. We ate dinner together, and were able to spend some much needed ‘us’ time. This helped me relax and put my concerns aside, and I was more energized when I returned to my studies the next day. Richard was aware of my needs, and selflessly took the time to plan a date for me. It was simple and inexpensive, but it was what I needed.”
Usually tailoring dates to the needs of your significant other will be a pleasant experience for you as well, since dating is meant to improve the relationship. Remember though, that it is possible to date selfishly. Selfish daters only do activities they enjoy – for them, dating is not about the relationship or unity, but about the activity and their own pleasure. It is okay to have needs and preferences, but it is not realistic to expect dates to fill every need, and it is disrespectful to refuse to go on dates you do not enjoy. The occasional opera or UFC fight will not kill you. But your attitude might kill the date…if you let it.
Again, both spontaneous and planned dates can take many different attitudes: playful, sexy, active, relaxing, etc. And again, a date is not an errand or shop talk. A date is not about your to-do list. It is is about your relationship. The beauty is, we create our relationships. We get to decide. But that doesn’t matter, unless we put ‘us’ first.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Richard Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and then moved on to live in Alaska and Texas before finally marrying his high school best friend, Aubrey-Dawn. He works at a residential treatment center, and specializes in working with ASD adolescents. He is studying recreational therapy and art.
The honeymoon is over. A few months pass. The sex begins to be a little less frequent, and you no longer want to spend every minute of the day with your partner. You have your first argument. Your partner stops sending you those cheesy texts while you’re at work. You stop cooking as much. Both of you shower and shave a little less. Marriage is not as fun as it used to be.
So the big question is, are you falling out of love?
And the answer is, no. You’ve just hit reality.
Reality in romantic relationships looks a little different for everyone.
The honeymoon phase can last anywhere from six months to eighteen months, and after that, reality hits and you realize that your perfect partner, is actually not perfect. And the butterflies go away. They aren’t even replaced by moths. They’re just gone.
Now the good news, is that after the reality phase, there is this vitality phase where the dust settles, and what’s left is this beautiful, natural, and organic relationship that for the most part has a general, steady flow to it. It is solid, and reliable, and comfortable. But how do you get there? How do you get through the reality phase?
It’s important to remember that you have not fallen out of love. Love is a choice, anyway. It is a stage, and if you remember to choose love, it will pass. Here are some suggestions to help you.
1. Remember to choose your relationship every day.
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Love is a choice, and it does take work. That does not mean it is forced. It is life. My husband and I have made three commitments to each other, and they have made all the difference:
We will never hold sex against each other.
We will always sleep in the same bed, no matter how angry we are. (No sleeping on the couch!)
Divorce is a swear word and is not even to be joked about.
You chose to enter this relationship. Now you need to choose to stay in it. By choosing your relationship, you consciously choose to put your relationship above yourself, and your partner commits to do the same.
2. Listen.
As a couple moves through the reality phase, issues surface. People realize that there are things that drive them a little crazy. They also realize that there are some topics they are not on the same page about. It is important to slow down, listen to what the other person is saying, and try to truly understand their perspective. Validation, empathy and vulnerability are also important here.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
3. Focus on the positive.
Negativity will arise. After all, you’ve discovered that your partner is not perfect. And they have discovered the same about you. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in what is going wrong. But as a couple remembers the good things – why they love each other, and what they love most about being in that relationship, questions about whether or not they are still in love dissipate.
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4. Nurture your romance.
Your romance has to be nurtured or it will die. We have some suggestions for that too.
Photo by Dahiana Waszaj on Unsplash
Keep courting your partner. I know that is an old fashioned word, but I mean it. Court your partner. So many people stop consistently dating when they get married and begin living together, especially when there are children in the mix. But it is so important to make time for dates. Take turns planning dates, and make sure you are getting at least five hours a week of quality couple time.
Add variety. When nothing ever changes, the relationship can become stale. Try a new restaurant, or turn on some music while you are cleaning the house together. Do something different. Add variety to your sex too. Changes in music, lighting, clothing, location and even positions and intensity can go a long way. Lengthening the foreplay is also important. In some area of your life, change something. Do something different.
Do the little things. In the end, it is the little things that can make the biggest difference. For example, last week, my husband and I were texting back and forth a little while I was at work. I told him that I was tired. My husband pays attention, and knew that I had been wanting to try a new energy drink that had just come out. He surprised me by showing up at work to bring me one. And a clean house is important to my husband, so I clean with him, but also make sure that on my day off, I do at least one thing without being asked to improve the state of the house.
There are certainly many other things – the possibilities are endless. Remember that the most important thing is not to give up. Reality does not mean you has fallen out of love – it is just reality. Keep going. Find your own ways to maintain your relationship. Remember, you and your partner get to create your relationship. Create a beautiful one.
References
Bao, K. J., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2013). Making it last: Combating hedonic adaptation in romantic relationships. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 8(3), 196–206. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/17439760.2013.777765
Khoury, C. B., & Findlay, B. M. (2014). What makes for good sex? The associations among attachment style, inhibited communication and sexual satisfaction. Journal of Relationships Research, 5. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1017/jrr.2014.7
Marshall, D. W., & Anderson, A. S. (2000). Who’s responsible for the food shopping? A study of young Scottish couples in their “honeymoon” period. The International Review of Retail, Distribution and Consumer Research, 10(1), 59–72. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/095939600342406
Reese-Weber, M. (2015). Intimacy, communication, and aggressive behaviors: Variations by phases of romantic relationship development. Personal Relationships, 22(2), 204–215. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/pere.12074
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
There is nothing more frustrating than trying to get through to someone, and feeling like you are speaking two completely different languages – especially when that person is your partner! One of the most fundamental of our basic human needs is to feel understood, and when we feel like that isn’t happening with the person who should understand us most, it can be devastating.
Difficulty with communication is a fairly common problem among romantic couples (Brashier & Hughes, 2012). One of the reasons for this is because there are many different parts of communication. There are the actual words that are spoken, someone’s intent behind the words (what they really mean/want to say), the body language or other signals that take place when we try to communicate with someone, etc. All of these different parts of communication have to be interpreted correctly by a listener in order for understanding to occur! It’s no wonder that so much can get lost in translation, especially when we are just learning how to communicate well with our partner.
One essential piece of healthy communication is EMPATHY. This is what allows us to feel loved and understood by our partner, even when we may still disagree on what is being said. Having empathy requires us to take a step back, really listen to what is being said, validate our partner’s experience, and step into their shoes in order to feel with them. This is obviously much easier said than done, but hopefully by the end of this post, you will have a better idea of how you can include the language of empathy in your conversations with your loved one.
Before you do anything else, I would recommend watching this video by researcher Brené Brown. It’s one of my favorites, and I think she does an excellent job of explaining what empathy looks like!
The first step to learning the language of empathy is listening. This seems like a pretty obvious key to healthy communication, but we as a society aren’t always very good at putting it into practice. I am definitely guilty of this myself. When I am speaking with someone, I often find myself worrying about what I am going to say next, or even worse, I feel my mind wandering to something not even relevant to the current conversation. Life is busy, and it’s easy to get distracted when we have so many different things to worry about (work, kids, school, etc.). But in order for our partner to feel loved and understood, they HAVE to know that we are actively listening to what they are saying!
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There are several things we can do to help improve our listening:
Body language –Just the act of looking like you are listening will actually improve your ability to listen! Practice demonstrating body language that will show your partner that you are listening to them such as maintaining eye contact, facing the person who is talking, having an open posture (try to avoid folding your arms or slouching over), and giving responsive cues such as nodding. If physical touch is important or comforting to your partner, feel free to incorporate that into your conversation by holding their hand, or giving a hug (if your partner is not very touchy-feely, be aware of and respectful of that fact, and only touch them if they would like you to).
Give the speaker your full attention – In our world today, distractions that can take us away from a conversation are usually right at our fingertips. Taking measures such as putting away (or even turning off) your phone, turning off the tv, or closing your laptop can help your partner know that you really care about what they have to say. This step is especially important when you are trying to discuss something serious or difficult.
Don’t think about your upcoming response – While your partner is talking (especially about something sensitive), it can be easy to find yourself thinking about what you are going to say next. Whether it’s an experience you’ve had that is similar to theirs, advice that you want to give, or even a defensive remark to protest a concern that they have expressed. It can be difficult, but staying in the moment and not worrying about how you will respond can help increase the level of understanding in a conversation, and can even help you give more relevant feedback and responses when it is your turn to talk!
Practice reflective listening – This is a technique that can help you and your partner make sure that you are on the same page, and that you are each hearing what the other is trying to say. After your partner has finished expressing a thought, respond by saying, “So what I’m hearing you say is…”, and reflect back to them in your own words what you have heard. If you have understood correctly, then you can continue with the conversation. If not, work on filling in the gap in understanding.
Ask clarifying questions – Because communication is so multi-faceted, it can be really helpful to ask questions that will clarify what your partner is trying to say, particularly when you feel there is misunderstanding. It can also be a great way to check in, and let the other person know that you are hearing them. Make sure you do so at an appropriate time, and try to avoid interrupting.
While listening is the first step towards true understanding, it is not enough to make us fluent in the language of empathy. Brené Brown explains the next key to empathy very well in her video. Validating our partner’s experiences and feelings is essential in helping them feel understood and cared for. To validate someone’s feelings means to let them know that what they are experiencing and feeling is acceptable to you, and that it’s alright if they are struggling. When someone is experiencing feelings of hurt or hopelessness, knowing that it’s okay for them to be feeling the way they are can bring immense relief and peace – even if those feelings don’t go away immediately. We all struggle, and feeling like we are not alone is one of the biggest reasons that understanding is so important.
Image from “Brené Brown on Empathy” video
That being said, we may not feel that we are qualified to validate someone’s feelings, or we may find it difficult to do so, particularly if we’ve never experienced what they are going through. This is where perspective-taking comes into play. Try to imagine if you were in that person’s shoes, and think about what it would feel like to be in their situation. If you believe that they are being irrational or that they are overreacting, DON’T SAY SO. It doesn’t matter! The goal of understanding often requires us to let judgments go, and simply feel with our partner. Allow them to express themselves, and let them know that you care about what they are experiencing.
Finally, when someone expresses to us a concern that they have, or something difficult they are going through, we often feel like we have to present to them a solution to the problem. The language of empathy doesn’t require us to have to “fix” what our partner is feeling! As a matter of fact, attempting to fix the problem can get in the way of our ability to understand and feel understood. Here’s a funny video that illustrates this very problem:
When your partner expresses a struggle they are going through, FIRST express empathy, and then ASK if they would like help in solving the problem. If the answer is a no, let it be, and simply let them know that you are there for them.
Photo by Taylor Hernandez on Unsplash
When we speak the language of empathy in our romantic relationships, they can become a safe place for us to go when we need love, support, and help. I encourage you to establish patterns of trust and empathy in your own relationship so that you can be that safe place for your partner! Remember to listen, validate, and feel with them, and don’t feel like you have to “fix” what they are going through, because,
“Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.” – Brené Brown
References
Brashier, E., & Hughes, J. L. (2012). Examining relationships: Communication and satisfaction in lesbian and heterosexual women. Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research, 17(2), 80–85.
Caldwell, P. (2013). Intensive interaction: Using body language to communicate. Journal on Developmental Disabilities, 19(1), 33–39.
Jones, A. C., Jones, R. L., & Morris, N. (2018). Development and validation of the Couples Communication Satisfaction Scale. American Journal of Family Therapy, 46(5), 505–524. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/01926187.2019.1566874
Van Sickel, E. (2019, July 22). Empathy in the face of vulnerability: Responding to authentic communication — Restored hope counseling services. 734.656.8191. https://www.restoredhopecounselingservices.com/blog/2017/6/1/empathy-in-the-face-of-vulnerability-responding-to-authentic-communication
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Richard Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and then moved on to live in Alaska and Texas before finally marrying his high school best friend, Aubrey-Dawn. He works at a residential treatment center, and specializes in working with ASD adolescents. He is studying recreational therapy and art.
