Written by Sydney Tittle

Based on Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages

Last but not least, let’s talk about service. Acts of service is both simple and complex. You can find its simplicity in the title, where what you see is what you get.

Service = doing something for someone else.

It’s complexity comes when applied to the context of different individuals with unique needs and desires. The trick to figuring out acts of service lies within your desire and ability to ask questions and try different things to help your partner feel the most loved. 

Acts of service, like any other love language can be a tough one to navigate – especially if this is not your preferred love language. Because of this, I have decided to break this down into two parts. Part one is tips for  the “giver” and it is a little bit more in depth. Part two is a bit more simple and includes tips for the “receiver.” The receiver portion is geared towards the individuals who have acts of service as their primary love language. The giver portion is geared toward the partner of these said individuals. All this being said, both portions have principles that can be beneficial for ALL who apply them.

Tips for the Giver:

1. “See the need, do the deed!” – Look around, observe, try to take on your partner’s point of view

Below, you will find two observation scenarios. Take a minute to think about what you would do in these scenarios and make your best decision based on what you learned from tip #1 “See the need, do the deed.” My hope is that these two exercises can get you thinking a little bit more the importance of perspective taking. Development of this skill takes time and may require plenty of patience and practice.

Scenario 1 – John comes home from a long day at work, exhausted and ready for dinner. He pulls the car in the garage and walks into the kitchen. There he sees his wife Jessica scrambling around trying to get dinner ready and his two year old daughter Lucy crying in her high chair. John walks over and picks up his daughter and instantly the potent smell of poopy diaper hits his nose. He glances over to the living room to see about three loads of laundry half folded – half spread around the room.

John knows how much Jessica values acts of service. What can he do to show her love, even though he too is needing a little love himself? (Hint: There is not just one right or wrong answer here.)

Scenario 2 – Brittney has been traveling for work and is so excited to come home and see her boyfriend, Bobby. It is finals week, and Bobby is completely swamped trying to work a full time job and survive his senior year of college classes. Brittney tells Bobby that she will swing by his house later with some food so they can eat dinner and spend some time together. When Brittney walks into the apartment, she immediately smells the stench of the pile of dishes sitting in the sink. Not only that, but the trash can is full and the cupboards are empty. Bobby has his school stuff spread out covering the entire kitchen table, and is looking stressed and tense.

Brittney knows how much Bobby values acts of service. What can she do to show him love, even though she too is needing a little love herself? (Hint: Once again, no right or wrong answer here.

2. “What can I do?” – Don’t be afraid to ASK for ways you can best serve them. There is just one caveat to this tip – sometimes your partner may not give you a good answer to this question, sometimes they may feel like they have to “do it all themselves.”

This can be challenging, but it is possible to overcome. In these cases, sometimes what you need to do is move back to tip number one, and just keep trying. The more you show them you want to serve them, the more they will be willing to let you do so.

Gary Chapman also recommends making what he calls “request lists” this is where each individual takes a minute and writes down 3-4 things that if your partner chose to do them, would make you feel loved. He simply states that lists are important because they help us think concretely. “Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.”

Take another minute to write out a physical list of requests. Have your partner do the same. This activity is pure magic if you will commit to implement what you learn about your partners needs and wants. These requests should be specific in nature and help you to know exactly what it is you and your partner need to feel loved. Remember, you can serve and serve all day, and still have it feel like not enough because sometimes it’s not so much about the act of service itself as it is the TYPE of service given.

Tips for the receiver:

1. Look for the offerings of service and be grateful for them. The practice of serving those they love may not come as easily to your partner as they do to you. In fact, perhaps the acts of service they are giving you are coming from a space of THEIR dominant love language instead of yours.

For example: Let’s say your partner values physical touch… In their mind, maybe giving you a little back rub is their physical way of serving you. Maybe your partner values quality time and takes off work one day to spend time with you.

Another example: Maybe gifts is what they love, so they serve you by buying you some nice dish washing gloves because they noticed your hands dry out from washing in the winter time.

In your mind, you may be thinking – “Why did you buy my these gloves? What I really want is for you to DO THE DISHES FOR ME!!” But to your partner, they are trying to serve you by offering the language that comes most naturally to them – Gifts.

Big or small, chances are your significant other is trying to show you love, they may just not know what exactly it is you need the most.

2. “Tell them what you want, what you really really want.” – Believe it or not, your partner is not a mind reader.

If there is something you would like them to do to show you love, do not be afraid to make that request. This goes back to what we talked about in tips for the giver #2. Sit down with your partner and make a list of 3-4 requests. Doing so will help you both show each other the love each of you needs in the way you need it.

In conclusion, I just want you to remember: these things take time. Just as you can’t learn Spanish or Swahili overnight, you can’t expect for you or your loved one to learn your love language overnight either. It takes practice, but it is always possible. Remember the bottom line for why you are doing what you are doing. It’s all about love… and with that love, you can accomplish anything.

References:

Chapman, G. D. (2010). The 5 Love Languages. Chicago: Northfield Pub.

Hughes, J. L., & Camden, A. A. (2020). Using Chapman’s five love languages theory to predict love and relationship satisfaction. Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research, 25(3), 234-244. https://doi.org/10.24839/2325-7342.jn25.3.234

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Sydney Tittle is an Orem, Utah native. She has a passion for family life, social innovation, and anything creative. She is the second of five children, and loves spending time with friends and family. In August of 2017, she graduated from Brigham Young University with a bachelor’s degree in family studies.

Written by Rian Gordon

Largely Drawn from The 5 Love Languages, Chapter 5

When it comes to relationships, time is money – especially if Quality Time is your love language. Here are a few different ways that you can invest your time towards building a strong and healthy relationship:

Quality Activities

Taking the time to really BE together can help your significant other truly feel loved. Doing things with each other that you enjoy expresses a desire to have fun together, and to give each other your undivided attention. When it comes to quality activities, Dr. Chapman says, “The emphasis is not on what you are doing, but on WHY you are doing it. The purpose is to experience something together, to walk away from it feeling ‘[They] care about me. [They] were willing to do something with me that I enjoy, and [they] did it with a positive attitude.’” (Chapman, p. 68) Along with this, Dr. Chapman lists 3 essential ingredients for a quality activity:

1. At least one of you wants to do it.

2. The other is willing to do it.

3. Both of you know why you are doing it – to express love by being together.

Quality Conversation

Doing things together isn’t the only way to speak the language of quality time. Your time can also be well-spent in having quality conversations with your partner. Quality conversations involve the mutual sharing of “experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.” (Chapman, p. 60) Note that this type of conversation is different from the love language Words of Affirmation. Where words of affirmation focuses on what you are saying to your partner, the art of quality conversation is rooted in listening. Taking the time to truly listen empathetically to your partner, and sharing in their thoughts and feelings can increase understanding between you and can help strengthen your relationship and love for each other.

If you struggle with this kind of connection and with sharing your own thoughts and feelings, know that having quality conversations is a learnable skill. Dr. Chapman recommends establishing a daily sharing time where each partner talks about three things that happened to them throughout the day, and how they felt about each of those things. It could be when you both get home from work, at the dinner table, when you lay down to go to bed, etc. He calls this quality conversation time the “Minimum Daily Requirement” for a healthy marriage. The more you practice sharing what you are thinking and feeling, the more comfortable you will become with quality conversation.

A Thought on Technology

While technology can be a helpful way to stay in touch with others, it can really get in the way of true connection. It’s important to realize that the key to quality time is giving your undivided attention. Even when our phones are in our pockets, on vibrate, or even face-down on the table they can still distract us from giving our true undivided attention to our partners. Having your phone out when you are trying to give your partner quality time sends the message (even if it’s unintentional) that what is going on somewhere else is more important to you than they are (for more information on this subject, see the references below).

I know it isn’t realistic to say you will NEVER have your phone on you when you are trying to participate in quality time with your partner. However, I would recommend setting aside some time to unplug and put away the technology for even just a little while (my husband and I just recently made a rule to have no phones at the table). That time to give your full undivided attention to those you love will make a world of a difference.

Make Time

We are all busy, and it can seem tricky to find enough time for quality moments together. However, if your partner speaks this specific love language, intentionally making room for time together is essential. Don’t feel like it always has to be for hours at a time – remember the language is quality time, not quantity time! Taking a few minutes to really connect every day will make a huge difference. Dr. Chapman says, “We make time (for quality connection) just as we make time for lunch and dinner. Why? Because it is just as essential to our marriage as meals are to our health.” (Chapman, p. 69)

Choose TODAY to connect with your partner through quality time!

References:

Chapman, G. D. (2010). Love Language #2: Quality Time. In The 5 love languages (pp. 55-72). Chicago: Northfield Pub.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Brain Drain: The Mere Presence of One’s Own Smartphone Reduces Available Cognitive Capacity

Study: Smartphones are distracting us even when we aren’t looking at them

Addiction to Technology is Ruining Lives – Simon Sinek on Inside Quest

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.

Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer

Largely based on Dr. Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages

The least common love language is ‘gifts’ (Bland & McQueen, 2018; Bunt & Hazelwood, 2017). Sure, most of us enjoy receiving birthday, Christmas and Valentine’s gifts, but it is not often someone’s primary love language.

Yet for many, gift-giving is the easiest way to show love. It is easy to stop by the mall and pick something up compared to the effort and time commitment required to perform a significant act of service or write a meaningful letter.

Gift giving can also be overwhelming for some. Money may also be an object.

Here are five tips for more meaningful gift giving:

1. Give gifts your partner wants, not gifts you want your partner to have.

This was a skill my parents taught me growing up. It really is just good etiquette. Buying gifts you want your partner to have can be manipulative or selfish. The rule is simple.

2. Expected gifts are most meaningful when they demonstrate some sacrifice.

A gift on Christmas, a birthday, or Valentine’s Day is expected, and so it should carry some significance and require some sacrifice on your part. This does not mean emptying your bank account, and that would surely upset your partner. But a gift that demonstrates sacrifice in some other way – significant thought or effort – is nice. Keep in mind too that this may not just mean the gift. For example, purchasing gifts for your significant other the day before or the day of usually gives off the impression that because you have procrastinated getting the gift, you by extension are procrastinating them. Purchase or make expected gifts early so that you have time to make sure they are meaningful, as well as to avoid that potentially hurtful impression.

3. Small, spontaneous gifts can go a long way.

Not every gift needs to be delivered on a specific occasion. Sometimes the things that mean the most are simple and spontaneous because they demonstrate that our partners are on our minds. And it feels good to know you’re being thought about.

Once, I wrote the things I love about my husband on individual paint sample cards. I hid them all around our house for him to find. There was one in his shoes, one in the corner of the mirror, one taped to the ceiling of the pantry, etc. I went to work that evening, and while I was gone, my husband came home to a card on the front door telling him that I had hidden 68 of these little paint samples for him to find while I was gone. The gift took a lot of time – I spent several days listing my favorite things about my husband in a notebook before writing them down. The writing and hiding took a couple of hours too. But it did not cost any money, and it reflected my favorite things about my husband – just because. He loved it.

4. Gifts are not meant to be a fix-it for conflict.

There is of course the cliche practice of gift-giving after an argument – he comes home with flowers and chocolate, and expects to be freely forgiven. We have seen it in romantic comedies time and time again. But it really does not work in real life. Gifts are usually a band aid fix at best, but they usually fail to address the real issue of the conflict, and so the issue will likely resurface later. If you do use gifts as a way of making up, keep them on the simple side. Let gifts supplement real words and actions in cases of conflict.

5. Gifts can address a partner’s specific physical or emotional needs.

My mother’s dominant love language is words of affirmation, and my father knows this. When holidays come around (especially Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthday and anniversary), my father spends excruciating amounts of time shopping for cards. The cards cannot not be funny, or short, or plain. My dad always purchases those expensive cards so long they are tri-folded. It has to be the perfect card – something that says exactly how he feels about my mom. I remember falling asleep in Target more than once while waiting for my father to pick out a card. Naturally, a card was never the only gift my mother received, but he played to her needs and love language.

Each relationship is unique. Playing to the emotional and physical needs of our partners increases the meaning and significance of the gifts we give them.

If you are one of those who has decided to purchase Valentine’s Day gifts at the last moment, I recommend that you skip the teddy bears. No one has use for those. May I instead suggest that you get creative with the time you have left. Good luck! As always, we would love to answer any questions you may have. Happy Valentine’s Day.

References:

Bland, A. M., & McQueen, K. S. (2018). The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: An exploratory cluster analysis. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 7(2), 103–126. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/cfp0000102

Chapman, G. D. (2010). Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation. In The 5 love languages(pp. 38-52). Chicago: Northfield Pub.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.

Written by Rian Gordon

Largely Drawn from The 5 Love Languages, Chapter 4

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

If you have ever been called a name or been the victim of gossip, you will know that this is a downright lie. Words are powerful, and words can hurt! Luckily, words can also heal. They can bring hope and encouragement. They can express and strengthen love and commitment. The positive power of words is the essence of Dr. Gary Chapman’s first love language, and the topic of our discussion today: Words of Affirmation.

Affirming words build our partner up. They validate, give emotional support, and uplift. Dr. Chapman suggests several different types of affirming words that you can use regularly to help your spouse feel loved:

Compliments

Giving sincere verbal compliments can brighten anyone’s day – especially when that person’s love language is words of affirmation. These words of appreciation and love are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements, such as:

“Thank you so much for clearing out the sink before you left for work this morning. That is so helpful to me, and I really appreciate it.”

or:

“Sweetheart, I love how safe and comfortable I feel around you. You always help me know that it’s okay to be myself.”

or even:

“You sure do look handsome in that suit tonight, babe!”

The other night, as I was getting ready to nurse our little boy, my husband Mark looked at me and said, “Thank you so much for taking care of our son, and for making sure to take care of yourself as well. It really means so much to me.” This little compliment made me feel so special and validated. I had had a very busy and exhausting day, and just hearing those words alleviated my stress and frustration.

You never know the impact your words could have on someone you love. When was the last time you told your spouse something that you loved or appreciated about them?

Encouraging Words

Another variation of words of affirmation is giving your spouse encouragement. Everyone struggles with insecurity in some shape or form, and you never know how meaningful your words of love and support might be to your spouse in helping them have the confidence to explore their own potential.

It’s important to understand that encouraging words should focus on giving your spouse support and praise that focuses on their desires and dreams – NOT on something you wish they would do, like, “Honey, you know what I think you would be really good at? Doing the dishes.” Gary Chapman describes it in this way:

“Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement.” – The 5 Love Languages, pg. 42

Encouraging words should show your partner that you believe in them and their abilities. They should reassure your partner that no matter what, you will be there to support them and cheer them on.

Kind Words

Speaking with kindness does not only apply to the words we say, but to how we say them. When we use kind and loving words combined with kind and open body language and tone of voice, our message of love is far more likely to shine through, leaving less room for confusion or miscommunication.

Interestingly enough, we can also share difficult thoughts and feelings with our partner in a kind way. Discussing with them our hurt, pain, and even disagreement or anger in loving kindness can be an intimate expression of love. Conflict is a normal and healthy part of every relationship, and when it is handled using kind words, it can bring couples closer together rather than driving them apart. (For more thoughts on handling difficult topics in healthy ways, check out our post here).

Humble Words

Using humble words can help to build trust and unity in a relationship. One way to speak humbly is to ask your partner for help. Making requests of your partner (rather than demands) shows that you feel they are capable and have something to contribute. It also honors their choice – we need to know that we can say no! Love is meaningful because it honors choice. When that freedom to choose is taken away, love is no longer a part of the picture. Humbly honor your partner by expressing appreciation for their choice to love you and work at your relationship.

Getting Creative

There are many other ways in which we can affirm our spouse. Here are some different ideas to help you get thinking outside the box:

• Say something nice about your spouse behind their back – to their friend, their sibling, your kids, or even your mother-in-law! Practicing words of affirmation even when your spouse is not around will help to make them more of a habit in your relationship.

• Set a goal to give your spouse a different sincere compliment each day for one month.

• Keep a words of affirmation notebook! As you watch tv, read books, listen to other people’s conversations, etc., expand your love language vocabulary by writing down the words of affirmation that you hear. Maybe even try using a few of them with your spouse.

• Write your spouse a love letter and mail it to them.

• Write down a list of your spouse’s strengths and read that list out loud to him or her.

References

Chapman, G. D. (2010). Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation. In The 5 love languages (pp. 38-52). Chicago: Northfield Pub.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.