Happiness is a common pursuit among human beings. It’s even explicitly listed as one of our unalienable rights in the United States Declaration of Independence (“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness”)! If you were to ask anyone, I can almost guarantee that they would tell you they would rather be happy than sad or angry (in fact, a 2016 survey showed that 81% of Americans would rather be happy than achieve greatness in their lifetime). But like it or not, it is impossible for us to be happy 100% of the time, and believe it or not, that’s actually a good thing!
Emotions are a constant and vital part of life, and they heavily affect our everyday choices. While it seems like it would be really nice to never have to feel “negative” emotions, such as sadness, anger, grief, fear, or embarrassment, research has actually found that it is incredibly important to allow ourselves to feel a variety of emotions! Here are a few of the many reasons why allowing ourselves to feel “negative” emotions at times is essential to our mental, physical, and relational health.
1. Feeling leads to healing
The vast majority of experiences that we go through in life will likely elicit different emotional reactions within us. In fact, we often feel not just one, but a variety of emotions per experience! It is not reasonable for us to expect ourselves to be constantly happy through every single experience, particularly when life gets hard. Trying to stifle uncomfortable or negative emotions and put on a brave face 100% of the time is not healthy — we need to process the negative emotions in order to lead healthy and balanced lives (Levine & Wald, 2020). Refusing to acknowledge what we are feeling can really take a toll on our physical, emotional, and mental health.
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Experiencing prolonged periods of stressful emotions such as anxiety or fear can affect just about every system in your body — your muscles, your heart, your stomach, even your reproductive system (Cohen et al., 2020)! Depression or extreme sadness can also effect you profoundly, leading to symptoms such as insomnia, weight fluctuations, increased sensitivity to pain, and even a weaker immune system. Allowing ourselves to process emotions in a healthy way can help our bodies, minds, and hearts stay balanced, and can help us to pull through when we experience difficulties. Remember, “You have to feel it to heal it.”
2. “Negative” emotions can help protect us
Emotions possess a literal energy that motivates us to action. The energy and motivation that comes from difficult emotions can actually help us protect ourselves, particularly when it comes to our relationships. Sadness, anger, or fear can help us weed out unhealthy relationships or other negative aspects of our lives. They can also help us know when we need to make changes. It is important to be aware of these emotions, and to allow ourselves to experience them rather than push them away so that we can take action when action is needed.
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It is also important to understand that sometimes negative emotions can get triggered even if there isn’t a real threat that we need to be protected from. This can sometimes be a sign of mental illness such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, or PTSD, and can be due to chemical or hormonal imbalances, cultural background, past experiences, and many other factors. It is important for us to learn the difference between negative emotions that are helping us and protecting us, and negative emotions that are hurting us and holding us back. Watching for patterns, discussing emotions with someone you trust, or getting help from a professional doctor or therapist can help you to determine whether or not you are experiencing emotions that are helpful or hurtful.
3. Healthy relationships require healthy processing of emotions
Because emotions are a built-in part of the human experience (particularly when it comes to relationships), and because relationships are composed of different people with different world-views, it is expected that our relationships are going to, at times, involve negative emotions. It is important to realize this, because in order for us to have healthy relationships, we need to know that it is okay when we experience a negative emotion towards someone we care about! I struggled with this for a really long time, and I thought it was better for me to deny any space for those negative emotions in my relationships. I told myself that if I truly loved someone, I shouldn’t be feeling angry or annoyed at them! That couldn’t have been further from the truth. By refusing to acknowledge and healthily deal with those negative emotions, I was actually causing myself to feel resentment and more anger towards my loved ones. When we understand that negative emotions are a normal and even healthy part of every relationship, we are able to address those emotions and actually work through them in a healthy way. Here are some recommendations for processing negative emotions in relationships:
Communication – Talk about it! If there is something bothering you and it is something that needs to be said, approach your partner and have a conversation about how you are feeling. This isn’t always easy, particularly when the emotions that you are experiencing are strong. Understand that the more we practice communicating, the easier it gets. Also consider taking some time to think about your feelings before approaching your partner. If you worry that you will say something you regret in the heat of the moment, it’s okay to take a step back and revisit the problem later.
Alone Time – We all need time to recharge and refuel. Taking time for yourself to meditate, participate in a hobby that you enjoy, rest, and get to know yourself better can help you be more self-aware, and can help bring balance into your life.
Journaling – Writing about our emotions can often help us better know ourselves and our needs, which in turn allows us to communicate them to our loved ones. Consider keeping a journal that isn’t for posterity or even for you to look through ever again. Write out exactly how you are feeling and what you are thinking, and don’t feel the need to justify or explain. Sometimes just getting it down on paper can help you feel a whole lot better!
Therapy – Sometimes we need professional help when it comes to processing our emotions. Consider going in to see a therapist alone, or with your partner if the problem involves them.
The key to handling our emotions in a healthy way is finding BALANCE. Negative emotions will come as we experience the ups and downs of everyday life. However, we have the choice and the power to acknowledge those feelings, allow ourselves to feel them, and either 1) let them motivate and change us as we deem beneficial to our lives and our relationships, or 2) let them go.
Cohen, A., Zemel, C., Colodner, R., Abu-Shkara, R., Masalha, R., Mahagna, L., & Barel, E. (2020). Interactive role of endocrine stress systems and reproductive hormones in the effects of stress on declarative memory. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 120. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2020.104807
Levine, E. E., & Wald, K. A. (2020). Fibbing about your feelings: How feigning happiness in the face of personal hardship affects trust. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 156, 135–154. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.obhdp.2019.05.004
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Mindfulness is a pretty trendy word these days, but what exactly is mindfulness? And how can it help us in our marriages?
What is Mindfulness?
Dr. John Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as an “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgmentally” (Kabat-Zinn, 1994). To be mindful is to be conscious and deliberate about your life. It is about choosing to be where you are, to really be present in the moment. It is natural for our minds to get caught up in a cycle of living in the past or the future, with little attention to the present. Being mindful is a reminder to slow down and appreciate the beauty of where you are right now.
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A wide spectrum of research has highlighted benefits of living mindfully. Some of the benefits include decreased stress, improved focus, greater immune functioning, lower anxiety, and improved overall well-being (Davis & Hayes, 2012). In relationships, practicing mindfulness has been shown to improve communication, decrease emotional reactivity, increase empathy, and heighten relationship satisfaction (Gambrel & Keeling, 2010). These benefits come by consciously being present; choosing to be awake and aware of what is now.
Turning Off Autopilot
We have all had the experience of arriving at our destination without having been fully conscious of the roads we were taking. Perhaps your mind was scanning over your mental to-do list, ruminating on a recent conflict with a partner or co-worker, or making plans for tomorrow. Suddenly you arrive at home or your office without having been fully aware of the route you took, lights you stopped at, or other drivers who passed by. This is called autopilot.
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This phenomenon of living on autopilot not only happens when driving, but can also be present in our relationships. When life gets busy, sometimes our marriages can get pushed to the back-burner. Date nights become few and far between, late night heart-to-heart talks turn into a quick “goodnight,” before hitting the pillow, and greetings turn into a halfhearted peck before quickly moving on to complete some other task. These small actions of not “being present” can lead our relationship to grow stagnant over time. Mindfulness is an invitation to combat autopilot, to see your partner and your relationship with fresh eyes, and to sincerely give them your time and attention. AsDr. Mark Williams explained, “[mindfulness] allows you to look at the world once again with open eyes. And when you do so, a sense of wonder and quiet contentment begins to reappear in your life” (Williams & Penman, 2011).
Presence in Practice
You do not need to go meditate on a mountaintop, perfect your handstand in yoga, or light candles and chant “ommm” in order to be more mindful. Simply bring your attention to what you are doing now. When your partner is talking to you, really listen. When you are hugging your spouse, really hug them. Along with your physical presence, give your partner the gift of your mental and emotional presence. When you find yourself on autopilot or your attention is drifting from the present moment, simply focus on your breathing as a gentle reminder to bring your awareness back.
Here are a few simple ways to actively incorporate more mindfulness into your marriage:
1. Mindful Embrace
Hugging has been shown to have many health benefits including greater immunity against illness, decreased stress, reduced anxiety, and increased optimism (Miller, 2017). Taking your partner in your arms in a mindful embrace is a wonderful way to reconnect with him or her at the end of the day. In order to practice a mindful embrace, stand facing your partner. Gently supporting your own weight, take each other in a loose embrace. There is no need to talk during this embrace, rather focus on simply being present with your partner. Synchronizing your breathing with that of your partner, deeply inhale and slowly exhale. Repeat at least three times, longer if desired. Notice how you feel in your partner’s arms. Pay attention to any bodily sensations you may be experiencing. Gently, and without judgment, recognize any thoughts going through your mind and allow them to calmly pass. Softly coming out of the hug, face each other and take a moment to share any impressions or feelings you had during the embrace.
Sometimes communicating with your partner in a positive way is easier when you are doing an activity together. Before taking your walk, decide on a topic that you want to sort out. Perhaps it is a financial concern, topic of conflict in your relationship, or opportunity to ask one another what you can improve on. As you begin your walk, find a comfortable pace and walk side by side with your partner. Try to soften any tight muscles and relax into the rhythm of your breath. After about ten minutes of silently walking side by side, open a gentle dialogue of the topic you established beforehand. Strive to continue breathing slowly and deeply. As you walk, do your best to listen with an open heart to what your partner shares. Give each other the gift of acceptance and non-judgement. After the walk, take a moment for a mindful embrace.
3. Mindful Listening
Mindfulness has been shown to decrease relational conflict and improve positive communication (Barnes et al., 2007). These benefits happen in part because mindfulness helps us to be more present in the moment of the conversation, to react with less emotionality, and to truly hear what our partner is sharing. To practice mindful listening, give your partner your full attention next time they start a conversation with you. Begin by clearing away any distractions, perhaps turning off your cell phone. Take a few deep breaths to clear your mind, allowing for greater mental space to hear what your partner would like to share. As your partner speaks, listen carefully. Rather than focusing on your response, strive to allow what he or she is saying to really enter into your heart. Do your best to see the situation from their perspective, without judgment. Be aware of your non-verbal communication as well, communicating to them with your eye contact and an open posture that they have your full attention. Appreciate the clarity and calm this type of communication can bring to your relationship. (Read more from us on listening here)
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In Conclusion
Mindfulness is an innate ability deep within each of us. Unfortunately, it sometimes gets pushed away in this fast-paced world. By putting in the practice and effort to truly be present, the ability to be mindful will become more natural. As we become more mindful, our relationships with ourselves and our partners will flourish. In the words of Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, “the most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.”
References
Barnes, S., Brown, K.W., Krusemark, E., Campbell, W. K., & Rogge, R. D. (2007). The role of mindfulness in romantic relationship satisfaction and responses to relationship stress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 33(4), 482-500.
Davis, D. M., & Hayes, J. A. (2012)What are the benefits of mindfulness? A practice review of psychotherapy-related research. Psychotherapy, 48(2), 198-208.
Gambrel, L. E., & Keeling, M. L. (2010). Relational aspects of mindfulness: Implications for the practice of marriage and family therapy. Contemporary Family Therapy, 32(4), 412-426.
Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever You Go There You Are. New York, NY: Hachette Books.
Williams, M., & Penman, D. (2011). Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World. New York, NY: Rodale Books.
Aubrey Hartshorn is from Weiser, Idaho. She is happily married to her husband Joseph and is the proud mamma of a beautiful little girl. She recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in Family Studies. She is passionate about mindfulness, minimalism, and motherhood.
Psychologists and other social scientists have found over and over that forgiveness is an important part of personal mental health, and that forgiving is more for the forgiver than the forgiven. Forgiveness is an important skill across all personal and family relationships because all of us make mistakes, and all of us have been hurt in one way or another by someone we associate with. Research shows us that in strong relationships, couples forgive more readily, and that forgiveness fosters increased intimacy and trust.
Sometimes, though, it is hard to know what forgiveness really is. And our incorrect perceptions about forgiveness can make the idea a source of even greater mental stress, pain, or even anger. Some of us feel that if we forgive, the other person will not be held accountable. We feel that if we forgive, we are letting things go too much, and allowing ourselves to be mistreated and walked all over. Some of us believe that forgiveness is just moving on entirely and pretending that no wrong was ever committed at all. Not quite. So let me tell you what forgiveness is NOT.
1. Forgiveness is not removing accountability.
Just because you have forgiven someone does not mean that they aren’t responsible for their actions. All actions have consequences, good or bad. You can forgive someone and still not trust them, or still need something from them, or still expect them to make repairs – emotionally or physically.
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2. Forgiveness is not the same as reparation.
This ties into the previous point. Just because someone has been forgiven, does not mean they are no longer required to own up to the consequences of their actions. It simply means that no grudge is held or vengeance wanted.
3. Forgiveness is not allowing yourself to be a victim.
When we forgive someone for their wrongs, we are not saying, “Please, continue mistreating me.” We are not making ourselves doormats. When we forgive someone, we choose to take responsibility for our emotions and not harbor ill will, but that doesn’t mean that we forfeit the right to advocate for ourselves and our needs. Even with forgiveness, we still have room to state our expectations, be treated with respect, and in the worst cases, end unhealthy relationships.
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4. Forgiveness is not pretending you’re okay when you aren’t.
It is possible to say, “I forgive you, but this isn’t okay and we need to talk about it.” It is also possible to say, “I am hurt and angered by what was done; I’m not okay. But I want to be.” We can also say, “I want to work through this, but that means some changes need to be made.” Which brings us to my final point.
5. Forgiveness is not an instant event.
Remember that forgiveness, especially for the big offenses, does not always come overnight. Most of us are unable to forgive overnight when we are hurt, especially in the face of traumatic experiences. Forgiveness takes time, and that is absolutely okay. We are not even required to say, “I forgive you.” We are only expected to try – mostly for ourselves.
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We forgive for ourselves as much as for anyone else. By holding a grudge or seeking revenge, we prevent our own growth, mental health and happiness. Forgiveness is a process in which we free ourselves. It is us saying, “I am not okay with what happened, and I have boundaries. But I also do not make room in my life for negative space and grudges. I do not have to power struggle to be happy.”
References
Enright, R. D. (2001). Forgiveness is a choice: A step-by-step process for resolving anger and restoring hope. Washington, DC, US: American Psychological Association.
Lopez, S. J., & Snyder, C. R. (2011). Handbook of positive psychology. Oxford: Oxford Univ. Press.
Meek, W., Ph.D. (2012, July 26). Myths of Forgiveness. Retrieved June 4, 2018, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/notes-self/201207/myths-forgiveness
McCullough, M. E., & Witvliet, C. V. (2005). The Psychology of Forgiveness (S. J. Lopez, Ed.). In C. R. Snyder (Ed.), Handbook of positive psychology(pp. 448-455). Oxford: Oxford University Press.
Sweet, R. (2001). Forgiveness and Restoration. Retrieved June 4, 2018, from https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce-and-infidelity/forgiveness-and-restoration/forgiveness-what-it-is-and-what-it-isnt
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
This so called ‘newlywed crash course’ is by no means just for newlyweds! No matter where you are in your journey, this process is applicable to all and is most effective when re-examined often.
Congratulations! Your journey as Mr. and Mrs. has officially begun! As the sea of wedding presents and wrapping paper subsides, you can begin to unpack and settle into your new life together. In the coming weeks, you may begin to notice differences in what ‘baggage’ you and your partner have brought along for the journey. Sorting through this baggage – whether it be emotional, habitual, or preferential can either help or hinder your new marriage relationship. While this process of sorting and replacing baggage may be challenging, it can also be a valuable opportunity to learn and grow closer as a couple!
Sort It
Believe it or not, much of the baggage we bring to marriage has already been packed for us. Our bags are full of silly quirks, helpful and harmful habits, behaviors, values, strengths, weaknesses…etc. These items have been acquired through years of exposure to unique family dynamics, education, societal norms, and subcultures that influence how we view and interact with our world. Our suitcases, while individual, are largely made up of things we never consciously chose to pack ourselves. Because these items are formed over time, many are deeply rooted and difficult to recognize within ourselves. Often it takes another person (like a spouse) to help us identify such baggage and initiate the sorting process. This recognition and change in perspective is known as a ‘paradigm shift’ as it fundamentally ‘shifts’ the way we view ourselves and our relationships. Sorting is exactly that – a paradigm shift.
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
While ‘baggage’ generally has a negative connotation, it is not inherently good or bad. Many of the traits, habits, or mannerisms are favorable but when placed in the context of the new marriage relationship, are simply incompatible. An amusing example of this occurred when my husband Cameron and I were on a road trip early in our marriage. Cameron had been driving for hours and we still had many more to go. I noticed he was starting to get tired and told him I’d drive the next leg to give him a break. He kindly shrugged it off and continued to drive the remainder of the trip despite my incessant offering to take a turn. By the time we got to our destination, it was obvious that he was exhausted and a bit irritable. I asked him why he hadn’t let me drive and he finally explained, “Cause’ I’m the man and it is the man’s job to drive!” We immediately began to laugh as we both realized how silly this sounded. Together we recognized our two divergent views (baggage) on long distance driving – one from my family culture of “everyone takes a turn”, and the other from Cameron’s family culture of “the man muscles through.” While neither view was wrong, they certainly were incompatible. Together we decided that taking turns was the safer option and road trips are much more enjoyable now!
The paradigm shift of sorting baggage best facilitates change when couples consciously make efforts to meet criticism and baggage observations with objectivity rather than perceiving personal affronts or attacks. Seeking to understand before seeking to be understood is the key to success. Stephen R. Covey wrote, “… listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives, and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart.” He drives the point home with, “Don’t push; be patient; be respectful.”
Replace It
Sorting without the action of replacing baggage is ineffective, and the way in which you choose to go about this as a couple can either make or break your marriage in a very literal sense. Researchers have discovered that the first three minutes of a marital discussion is a strong predictor of happiness in the relationship. ‘Baggage conversations’ when met with kindness and understanding are indicative of continued compatibility in marriage as your relationship grows. Similarly, when such discussions commence with anger and resentment, research shows strong correlations for future marital conflict and higher divorce rates.
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When a deeply ingrained habit or characteristic is uprooted, a void is created. If that void is not deliberately replaced with an agreed-upon change, couples may discover that the objectionable baggage repeatedly turns up unannounced. A conscious, consistent effort over time will forge new habits, attitudes, and values that can transform and improve future behavior, and will help the couple learn to work together as a team. There are no shortcuts to replacing baggage. This is part of the ‘hard work’ of marriage. It is a purposeful practice that should not be rushed or left unattended. As your relationship matures, new unsuspected items may appear from time to time, but your established habit of addressing them constructively, coupled with deepening trust and commitment levels, will ensure successful resolutions.
While there is growth and progress, there is no actual “arriving” on this journey. Happiness and satisfaction in your relationship are discovered and enjoyed throughout the journey of marriage as you continually meet at baggage claim.
Self-Evaluation:
Does my spouse feel safe unloading their baggage?
Am I listening to my spouse with the intent to understand?
Do I approach ‘baggage conversations’ with kindness and patience?
Do I regularly point out the positive baggage I admire in my spouse?
Do I regularly sort through my own baggage?
Am I willing to make necessary changes that will improve my marriage?
References
Covey, Stephen R. (1989) The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Frisby, B. N., Sidelinger, R. J., & Booth-Butterfield, M. (2015). No harm, no foul: A social exchange perspective on individual and relational outcomes associated with relational baggage. Western Journal of Communication, 79(5), 555–572. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/10570314.2015.1075585
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family,60(1), 5. doi:10.2307/353438
Tramm, N. L. (2005). Claiming your baggage. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 33(4), 317–318.
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
John Gottman, one of the world’s leading experts on relationships, has studied couples for decades. Thousands of couples have been observed at what he calls his “Love Lab” located in Seattle, WA. Over the years, Dr. Gottman has found patterns within marital relationships that he claims allow him to predict with over 90% accuracy whether or not a marriage will last. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman outlines four warning signs that he calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” – things that are key in helping determine the health of a relationship. If you find yourself and/or your partner frequently falling into any of these habits, it might be time to take a relationship inventory and consider getting some help.
Horseman #1: Criticism
Criticism is the act of attacking your partner’s character – who they are, not just something they’ve done. Criticism alone does not predict divorce or even serious marital problems. In fact, I know I’ve been guilty of this before! When we are frustrated or angry, we can often make the mistake of attacking the person we love rather than identifying the action that has hurt or offended us. Practicing using “I Statements” can help us to get away from this negative pattern of communication that is often a gateway to the other horsemen.
Example: “You are always late! I hate how lazy and inconsiderate you are!”
A Better Option: “I felt really hurt when you were late to pick me up from work today and you didn’t call.”
Horseman #2: Contempt
The goal of contempt is to make someone feel less-than. It is used to place you in a position of moral superiority, and to make your partner feel belittled and invalidated. It is not only limited to the words that you say, but can also include tone of voice, body language, and sarcasm. Most importantly, according to the Gottman Institute, contempt is the the single greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt comes when we hold on to negative thoughts and feelings about our partner. In order to fight these negative thoughts or feelings, practice gratitude in your relationship. Focus on the positive qualities that your partner possesses, and verbally thank them for what they contribute to your relationship.
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Example: “Oh yeah, right, today was hard for you? All you had to do was go to work, and then you got to come home and watch Netflix. I had to take care of the baby all day, and I had two finals! And now I have two more to study for. Consider yourself lucky that all you have to do is make money.”
A Better Option: “I’m sorry today was hard, sweetheart. I hope you know how much I appreciate you taking care of the baby while I study for my finals. It makes my load a little bit easier to handle.”
Horseman #3: Defensiveness
Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. It makes sense that we would get defensive if our partner were to attack our very character! However, it is when a cycle of criticism and defensiveness (leading to contempt) become a habit in a relationship that we find a problem. Practicing criticism and in turn, defensiveness fosters a culture of blame, which can harm any type of relationship. Instead, it is important to practice taking responsibility for your own actions, and striving to help rather than blame each other.
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Example:
Partner 1: “Why didn’t you take out the trash like I asked you?”
Partner 2: “Geez, will you stop nagging? I’m trying to send out this email for work that my boss needs right now! Why didn’t you just take it out when the kids were napping?”
A Better Option:
Partner 2: “Oh I’m sorry, I forgot! I’m trying to send out this email for work that my boss really needs right now. I will take it out as soon as I’m done.”
Horseman #4: Stonewalling
Stonewalling involves the complete withdrawal of one partner; when, rather than deal with the confrontation or conflict, the person chooses to shut down, turn away, or stop responding all together. This is different from taking a step back or a “time out” from an issue in order to cool down and avoid saying something you might regret. Instead, this is complete rejection or refusal to interact. When someone stonewalls in an interaction, generally it’s because there is a pattern of the other horsemen in the relationship. Due to a repeated experiencing of criticism or (most likely) contempt, the person feels emotionally flooded (ie. too upset to think clearly), and would rather withdraw than have to deal with the situation. A healthier alternative to stonewalling would be to take some time to cool off emotionally, and then to return to the issue later. During that time, don’t focus on the argument or ruminate on negative thoughts about your partner. Do something that helps you physically and emotionally calm down, like taking a walk, listening to music, or reading. And don’t forget that the return is key! It is okay (and often wise!) to take a break from a conflict IF you agree to come back and discuss the problem later.
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Example:
Partner 1: “Will you look at me when I’m talking to you? I get really frustrated when you shut down like this!”
A Better Option:
Partner 2: “I’m feeling really upset right now, and I don’t want to say something I regret. Can we take a break for a little bit and talk about this after dinner?”
It’s in YOUR Hands
The best way to avoid falling into the traps of the four horsemen is for both partners to look inward, and decide what YOU can do to improve your relationship. You can’t expect to control or change your partner, especially when you are using criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. What you CAN do, is steadily work towards improving yourself and your contribution to your relationship. Using “I Statements”, practicing gratitude, taking responsibility for your actions, and cooling off when you feel emotionally flooded will help strengthen your relationship, and will keep the apocalypse of divorce far away from your marriage.
References
Beeney, J. E., Hallquist, M. N., Scott, L. N., Ringwald, W. R., Stepp, S. D., Lazarus, S. A., Mattia, A. A., & Pilkonis, P. A. (2019). The emotional bank account and the four horsemen of the apocalypse in romantic relationships of people with borderline personality disorder: A dyadic observational study. Clinical Psychological Science, 7(5), 1063–1077. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/2167702619830647
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
