Consent can be explained a number of different ways, but just as clear understanding is important for consent, I also believe it is important for how we explain consent. As such, this is my favorite way I have heard consent explained:
“Both partners are 100% flamboyantly, beyond any shadow of a doubt, [in agreement about] what is happening,
And the communication of that, verbal and nonverbal, is clear and constant,
This is consent,
And wrong would be the absence of that, in any context, for any reason.
It would be silence.
It would be ‘I don’t know if this is what I want right now’,
Because maybe that’s not a ‘no’ but it is definitely not a ‘yes’.”
In other words, consent is all about boundaries. Brené Brown defines boundaries as “a clear understanding of what is okay for you and what is not okay for you.” Boundaries can be mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, or sexual. Consent is about physical boundaries, including platonic, romantic, and sexual boundaries. And as with all types of boundaries, we need to communicate our own and we need to learn and respect those of others.
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Please note that I said platonic, romantic, and sexual boundaries. While consent is normally entwined with the topic of sex, consent is not just about sex. Consent is about all types of physical contact. For as we each are our own person, we each have the right to bodily integrity: to be free from interference with our bodies. The right to not be assaulted. To not be tortured. To not be experimented upon. The right to not be touched by others if we do not want it, no matter their intentions. After all, not meaning to cause harm does not mean no one will be harmed.
How Consent Can Improve Our Relationships
When we understand the true nature of consent, with its application beyond sexual relationships, we can see where it fits into all relationships, alongside the mental, emotional, and spiritual boundaries we each have.
Setting, maintaining, and respecting healthy boundaries are what separate happy and healthy relationships from toxic, dysfunctional relationships. When boundaries are violated, resentment builds and can poison a relationship, interfering with individuals’ ability to love wholeheartedly.
Photo by Paweł Czerwiński on Unsplash
Openly communicating about our physical boundaries with our friends, family members, and romantic partners invites connection and bonding. It provides an opportunity to gain a better understanding of those we care about and to show our love for them by respecting their boundaries. We can also feel more loved when they respect our boundaries.
Teaching Children about Consent
One of my strongest memories from elementary school is that of a boy named Trevor. Throughout kindergarten and first grade, he would continually harass me, attempting to and force hugs and kisses on me. I would often spend much of recess running away from him. I remember my first-grade teacher trying to teach him that he needed to ask first and then only act if I said yes. It took a long time for Trevor to learn that lesson.
This experience is one of the reasons I strongly believe in teaching consent from birth. Now, saying “from birth” may sound a bit extreme, but let me explain. From infancy, we teach children how to share, how to take turns, how to respect belongings. We consider these to be important life skills. If teaching children to respect things, to not purposefully damage their belongings, is a vital lesson, should it not also be vital to teach them to respect people and their physical boundaries? The younger we start, the better we can instill this respect in our children.
We also need to be teaching our children that they have the right to say no. They can refuse hugs and other physical contact, even from family members and close friends.
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Did you read Rian’s post from November about sexual grooming? 1 in 10 children in the U.S. is sexually abused before age 18. 90% of the time, the abuse is committed by someone in a child’s circle of trust, not a stranger. So when you teach your children that they have the right to personal body space, even with those closest to them, you provide them with extra protection against predators.
This protection extends into adolescence and beyond. Teenage boys and girls consistently report that sexual activity often occurs under pressure (Sparks, 2019). They don’t know how to say no or how to respect when someone else tells them no. In fact, one nationwide study of high school students and young adults found that the overwhelming majority had never been taught how to avoid sexually harassing others or how to cope with sexual harassment. This is a serious problem that can be addressed by teaching children, teens, and young adults about consent – how to enforce their own boundaries and how to respect those of other people. Alongside that, we need to teach children that their bodies do not exist to serve others and other people’s bodies do not exist to serve them. The idea that bodies are objects to be used, rather than people to be respected, is a core belief that contributes to sexual violence and separates sex from its rightful place as part of a happy, healthy relationship.
If we want our children to grow up to have happy, healthy relationships, we need to teach them how to set and respect healthy boundaries. When we take the time to ensure our children understand consent, we are also teaching them “the skills, courage, and respect to communicate with another person about the things that are important to each of them”, and that is setting them up for success in their future relationships (Sparks, 2019).
Pick a relationship where you think physical boundaries are not clearly known and understood by both parties, and have a frank discussion with that person about their boundaries and yours.
References
Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong. New York: Spiegel & Grau, an imprint of Random House.
Herring, J., & Wall, J. (2017). The nature and significance of the right to bodily integrity. The Cambridge Law Journal, 76(3), 566-588. https://doi.org/10.1017/s0008197317000605
Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
We all want to connect and show our significant others that we love them. However, because men are biologically, socially and sexually different than women (Hsu, 2012; Barlow, 1995; Fisher, 2002), sometimes it can be tricky for us to spot when our loved one is trying to show us love. Ultimately, in a marriage or serious relationship men and women have the same basic goal to connect, and understanding that men love differently than women is important to feeling, expressing, and receiving love. Often it seems that men are sincerely trying to be engaged, loving partners and women become frustrated with their efforts, misunderstanding what is actually being communicated. By discussing some of the different ways that men give and receive love, I’m hoping to help the ladies be more aware of the ways in which their man could be reaching out to them. We are far more alike than we are different, and we can work to learn how to recognize when our significant other is asking to connect with us.
The small things
One of the ways that men often show that they care is through small gestures such as buying lunch for his wife, doing the dishes, or getting up with the kids. Sometimes women misunderstand that when a man is doing these seemingly small things, that is his way of telling his wife, “I love and cherish you”. Understand that there are times that as men we need to spill our guts a little bit and open up emotionally, but it is hard for us to do this. Men have been enculturated by media, parenting, and other means to be taught that danger, callous acts, and aggression are masculine, and that emotional vulnerability is a sign of weakness. (Mosher & Tomkins, 1988). Sometimes a simple, “wow, you look amazing,” is all we have the emotional capacity to share. Other times we will open up and explain how our day went and how we are feeling. If you are craving those emotional attachments, take advantage of moments like these. Ask good questions, and validate the emotions we do express. When women shut down the emotions men do express, it is a form of rejection, and men will become more closed off and emotionally unavailable as a result. Often a man will say something along the lines of “nothing” or “I’m fine.” When this happens, don’t give up (but try not to be too pushy either). Try suggesting something to him such as going out to eat or even just going on a walk together. When you have him alone, just listen to him. There have been several times when I have been frustrated with something and my wife and I go on a walk, and incredibly I open up more than I ever intended.
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Physicality
Men are naturally physical creatures. As boys we push, punch, and wrestle each other. This is not us being mean, but rather how we connect with our peer group (Mosher & Tomkins, 1988). This need for physical connection and interaction doesn’t change when boys grow up to be men. The thing that absolutely changes is that men aren’t pushing and shoving their spouse. Instead, they might kiss their neck, give a bear hug, or want to make love. Men often need to connect physically before they are able to connect on a deep emotional level (Metz & McCarthy, 2007; Barlow, 1995). Furthermore, men and women perceive and interpret the same stimuli differently due to many cognitive and biological factors. What turns you on will most likely be different than what excites your spouse.
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Although preferences may vary, what it comes down to is that both men and women need and want intimacy. Men generally pursue emotional intimacy through sexual intimacy (being invited to engage sexually helps men feel more emotionally connected), and women pursue sexual intimacy through emotional intimacy (feeling wanted and emotionally safe helps women feel more open to engaging sexually). These are complementary, not oppositional (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). Understand too, that beyond sexual satisfaction, orgasm can produce feelings of joy and relaxation, fostering both physical and psychological health. Sexual intimacy between two committed partners contributes to fostering bonding, closeness, and attachment (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). I encourage you to be more intentional about the physical affection that you show your husband. And don’t feel like this just means that you have to have sex all the time. Even though sexual intimacy is very important, men need different forms of affection as well (Yes, I said men need affection! In fact, men need affection just as much as women do (Hsu, 2012). Little physical acts like kissing a man’s neck or rubbing his shoulders or feet are also great for helping him know that you love and appreciate him.
Side by Side
American men and women define emotional closeness differently, with women valuing intimacy as face to face communication, while men define emotional intimacy as doing something side by side (Fisher, et al., 2002). Last night I bought my wife a small bouquet of flowers I arranged myself, took her to a movie and back where we spent one of our first dates as an engaged couple. We then went home and made pizza, something we both love to do together. I could see in her eyes that she loved it and was very grateful. At the end of the date, I told my wife that she was amazing and that I felt happy when I was around her. That one simple phrase seemed to almost make more of a difference then what I had planned. I had spoken to the emotional side of her and connected to her and her emotional needs. In the same stroke, my wife really did love the date. It was my way of nonverbally saying that I love her and am happy when I am with her. Finding ways to connect while spending time doing something side by side helps foster connection, commitment, and affection, especially for men (Fisher, et al., 2002; Hsu, 2012).
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You love your big brute and he loves you. Understand that he might be expressing his emotions to you in ways you are missing. Find those little things that he is doing and try to see what he is really saying underneath it all. Show him affection and gratitude when he reaches out with those little acts of love. People respond better to positive reinforcement or praise as opposed to negativity. If you work on noticing and complimenting those acts of love, he will likely do those kind things more often because you are positively reinforcing him rather than rejecting his efforts as insufficient. Lastly, try to show him that you love him through his need for physicality. This doesn’t always have to mean sex (though that’s definitely a good option!). It can be as simple as kissing him on the neck or shoulder.
1. Find emotional or physical ways to address your partner’s specific needs.
2. Find an opportunity for you and your spouse to have a vulnerable, validating conversation one-on-one.
References
Barlow, B. A. (1995). Worth waiting for: Sexual abstinence before marriage. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.
Fisher, H. E., Aron, A., Mashek, D., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2002). Defining the Brain Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction and Attachment. Archives of Sexual Behavior,31(5), 413-419.
Metz, M. E., & McCarthy, B. W. (2007). The “good-enough sex” model for couple sexual satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22(3), 351-362. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681990601013492
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. New York: Guilford.
Mosher, D. L., & Tomkins, S. S. (1988). Scripting the macho man: Hypermasculine socialization and enculturation. Journal of Sex Research, 25(1), 60-84. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224498809551445
Richard Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and then moved on to live in Alaska and Texas before finally marrying his high school best friend, Aubrey-Dawn. He works at a residential treatment center, and specializes in working with ASD adolescents. He is studying recreational therapy and art.
Heads up – this article was written to benefit adults. What I am about to tell you is academic information about sex, and I have not sugar-coated it. This is helpful and important information, but it may need to be reframed to be more appropriate for children/youth education.
When you were an adolescent, sitting in sex ed class had a completely different purpose than what I want to teach you. This is adult sex ed – what you need to know now that you’re a grown up with sexual needs who has graduated to a bigger bed (and hopefully a hot spouse to go with it!).
1. The “good enough” sex model.
Thanks to the porn industry, media, poor sex education and high school locker rooms, many adults (and adolescents too) think that sexual compatibility is a must for a relationship checklist. And to be sexually compatible, they must be having mind-blowing sex all the time. False. According to a study done in 2007, couples reporting extremely high levels of sexual satisfaction report that they have average to good sex 40-60% of the time, and exceptional sex only 20-25% of the time. And guess what? Even happily married couples report having unsatisfactory or even dysfunctional sex sometimes (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). But it doesn’t matter because, for the committed couple, sex isn’t about the orgasm (as great as that is) so much as connecting with your partner. That’s why it’s called intimacy.
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2. Having an orgasm and being sexually satisfied are not the same things.
Most couples including men reported that having an orgasm was not always necessary to be able to be sexually satisfied (Basson, 2000; Georgiadis & Kringelbach, 2012). So chill out. You don’t need to be a sex god or goddess. Because news flash – it isn’t about you. It’s about the relationship. And if sex doesn’t play out the way you want every time, it doesn’t mean you aren’t compatible. It means you’re human. Having said that, if there is a pattern of dysfunctional or unsatisfying sex, communicate with your partner about the needs each of you has and how you can better meet those needs. If there continue to be problems, consult a therapist or physician.
3. Men and women need sex for biologically different reasons.
Though men and women seek sexual satisfaction differently and have different expectations surrounding sex, they seek the same benefits from intimacy. Men generally pursue emotional intimacy through physical means, while women tend to pursue sexual intimacy through physical means and seek emotional intimacy in other ways. While this sounds oppositional, it is, in fact, complementary (Metz & McCarthy, 2007; Barlow, 1995). Men often use physical means to be able to connect emotionally and women often need to connect emotionally to be able to connect physically (Barlow, 1995). Also bear in mind that women focus on feeling attractive and wanted, while men focus on being “invited” to engage sexually. Men’s sexual confidence lies in functionality, while women’s lies around trust and emotional connection and safety. Again, these are complementary, include much overlap, and evolve over time (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). So ladies, if you are feeling sexually frustrated, make sure you’re inviting your husband to be intimate with you. Men, make sure that emotional connection is part of your intimacy.
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4. Women take longer to become fully aroused than men do.
Men are much more easily aroused than women, requiring only a few minutes to become fully aroused (Miyagawa, et al. 2007). Women take an average of 19 minutes to become fully aroused (Huberman & Chivers, 2015) and are aroused less by visual means (as men tend to be), and more by context, environment, intensity, and other senses (Fisher, et al., 2012). This is useful information! Understanding the physiology behind your partner’s arousal patterns can help you make sure that both of you are getting what you want and need out of sex. For example, remembering that your wife takes a little longer to become fully aroused and is responding to cues like the environment and context can inspire you to slow down and engage in more foreplay. You may also consider using candles, music, more talking during sex, romantic texts throughout the day, weekend getaways, etc. to increase arousal.
5. Commitment increases sexual pleasure.
Generally, healthy couples have sex for 5 reasons: 1) reproduction, 2) tension and anxiety reduction, 3) sensual enjoyment, 4) confidence, and 5) high relational closeness and satisfaction. Understanding that people have sex for a host of reasons and to fill a variety of needs develops partner congruence which aids relationship and sexual satisfaction (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). But what’s really interesting (at least to me) is that those who focus on themselves during sex experience the least amount of pleasure. Those who focus on the other person experience a deeper level of pleasure. But those who focus on unity or the “us” during sex experience the deepest levels of sexual pleasure and satisfaction (Mosher, 1980). Men and women in committed relationships generally report higher sexual satisfaction than those having casual sex (Birnbaum, et al., 2006).
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6. Expect the sexual relationship to change over time.
Because we as individuals change over time, and because our relationships change over time, we must also expect that our sexual patterns within that relationship will change (Basson, 2000). As life happens, what we need and want from sex is different. Because of these changes, it is crucial that couples communicate consistently about what they like, want and need in intimacy. Communication is necessary for balancing the two people in a relationship (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
Find a way to incorporate one or more of the above principles in a planned intimate night this week!
References
Barlow, B. A. (1995). Worth waiting for: Sexual abstinence before marriage. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.
Basson, R. (2001). Using a different model for female sexual response to address women’s problematic low sexual desire. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 27(5), 395–403. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/713846827
Birnbaum, G. E., Reis, H. T., Mikulincer, M., Gillath, O., & Orpaz, A. (2006). When sex is more than just sex: Attachment orientations, sexual experience, and relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 929–943. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/0022-3514.91.5.929
Fisher, H. E., Aron, A., Mashek, D., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2002). Defining the Brain Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction and Attachment. Archives of Sexual Behavior,31(5), 413-419.
Georgiadis, J., & Kringelbach, M. (2012). The human sexual response cycle: Brain imaging evidence linking sex to other pleasures. Progress in Neurobiology, 98(1), 49-81. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pneurobio.2012.05.004
Huberman, J. S., & Chivers, M. L. (2015). Examining gender specificity of sexual response with concurrent thermography and plethysmography. Psychophysiology, 52(10), 1382–1395. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/psyp.12466
Metz, M. E., & McCarthy, B. W. (2007). The “Good-Enough Sex” model for couple sexual satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22(3), 351–362. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/14681990601013492
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. New York: Guilford.
Miyagawa, Y., Tsujimura, A., Fujita, K., Matsuoka, Y., Takahashi, T., Takao, T., Takada, S., Matsumiya, K., Osaki, Y., Takasawa, M., Oku, N., Hatazawa, J., Kaneko, S., & Okuyama, A. (2007). Differential brain processing of audiovisual sexual stimuli in men: Comparative positron emission tomography study of the initiation and maintenance of penile erection during sexual arousal. NeuroImage, 36(3), 830-842. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroimage.2007.03.055
Mosher, D. L. (1980). Three dimensions of depth of involvement in human sexual response1. The Journal of Sex Research, 16(1), 1-42. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224498009551060
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
As human beings we collectively share the intrinsic desire to be close – to love and to be loved. Here at the Healthy Humans project, we are especially passionate about partner relationships as it is the foundation for a strong family unit as well as happiness and satisfaction throughout the life course.
Whether you are just wading into the waters of courtship, waist deep in the dating scene or have been married for decades, we’ve got you covered! Below are a few of the MANY topics we’ve discussed in the past for whatever stage of life you are in.
Fun Fact:Did you know that the timing of sexual involvement in romantic relationships matters? Although 30-40% of couples report having sex within the first month of their relationship, researchers at Cornell University found that couples who were sexually involved early on in their courtship reported lesser relationship quality (Sassler, et al.,2010).
Fun Fact: Did you know that how you respond to your new spouse predicts both your immediate and future marital happiness? When newlywed conversations commence with anger and resentment, research shows strong correlations for future marital conflict and higher divorce rates. However, when discussions are met with kindness and understanding, your new marriage relationship will flourish as will your happiness and satisfaction.
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Strengthening my Marriage
Remember that “falling out of love” is a myth! Love is a choice and we need to choose our spouse every single day. Often times the necessary tasks of daily living can distract us from what is most important- our marriage! Finding the balance between our relationship and other responsibilities can be challenging. A great place to start is by deliberatelymaking time for each other to strengthen your relationship. When you are together, be sure to turn off autopilot and give your marriage the time and attention it deserves.
Fun Fact: Did you know that people with strong partner relationships actually live longer and have healthier lives?(Gallagher & Waite, 2000). In addition to increased longevity, married couples typically have more wealth and economic assets and have more satisfying sexual relationships than single or cohabiting individuals (Olson & Olson, 2000).
Read a “Power Couples” article with your partner to help you jumpstart a meaningful conversation. Identify a few ways you can strengthen your relationship! Set some goals and check in with each other periodically to evaluate how you’re doing.
References
Gallagher, Maggie., Waite, Linda. (2000) The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier, and Better off Financially. New York City, Doubleday.
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60(1), 5. doi:10.2307/353438
Olson, D. H., & Olson, A. K. (2000) Empowering couples: Building on your strengths. Minneapolis: Life Innovations Inc.
Sassler, S., Addo, F. R., & Lichter, D. T. (2012). The Tempo of Sexual Activity and Later Relationship Quality. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74, 708-725.
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
Ah, the magic of Christmas! Close your eyes and think about it. What comes to your mind? I see my family decorating the house with lights, cookie jars, Christmas figurines, and of course putting the ornaments on the tree with care. I hear myself caroling with church members in the back of a trailer as we look at the beautiful lights around the neighborhood. I can smell the cookies baking in the oven my mother is making for her annual cookie exchange. Can you almost taste the hot cocoa and egg nog? I know I can’t help but be filled with joyful nostalgia as I contemplate these wonderful memories. What makes these memories so sweet? The answer is simple: it is the rituals associated with them.
Rituals are traditions, celebrations, or any repeated behavior that helps convey your identity or personal values. Rituals bring a sort of magic that help us transcend the “here and now” to focus on what is really important. They generate warm and nostalgic memories for family members who then pass them down across multiple generations. Think back to the favorite Christmas you pictured above. Can you think of any holiday rituals in that experience? These are things like selecting a Christmas tree, performing acts of service, gift exchanges, family dinners, etc. Remember, rituals are not just regular habits or routines; they hold special meaning and tell us something about the values our families cherish. When practiced on a regular basis, we can feel and experience the magic of Christmas all year-round!
Why are rituals important?
Research shows that rituals are associated with many positive outcomes for parents and children alike. For example, children whose parents hold rituals tend to undergo earlier development than those who don’t. Teenagers, who often experience family conflict during their years of identity exploration, feel increased love and trust from parents who host regular rituals. Adolescents in families who maintain rituals also show increased identity cohesion, meaning they feel secure and confident with their identity and the way others view them. Finally, rituals are associated with increased marital satisfaction for both member of the relationship. It appears that nearly every family member can benefit from the practice of rituals.
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I believe another wonderful benefit of rituals is that they have a unique ability to transport us, as a family, to a moment frozen in time. Whatever your problems are, they can be set aside and momentarily forgotten as you participate in a tradition. Children stop bickering and parents forget about the stresses of life as they come together to repeat the family ritual. Why is this?
Dr. Martin V. Cohen, Ph.D., associate director of the Marital and Family Therapy Clinic at New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center, explained it this way:
“Children find a certain security and solace in something that gives a sense of belonging and comfort. Kids find rituals fascinating—artistically, spiritually, and emotionally.”
I think his quote applies to us all. No matter the age, we all crave the security that comes from belonging to our family members. Rituals are fascinating because they are familiar, bring out the values we hold dear, and unite siblings and parents alike in creating a beautiful memory together.
Unfortunately, many of us struggle with maintaining or adapting rituals in the midst of everyday life. These times include periods of transition (moving out of your parents’ home, getting married, having children, becoming empty nesters, etc) and stress (financial hardship, divorce, mental illness, etc). This recalibration may be difficult, but simply requires conscious thought towards prolonging and adapting your family traditions.
Creating Rituals
The beautiful thing about rituals is that they are NEVER too late to start. Regardless of the stage of life you or your family members are in, joy and family unity can be found through creating and practicing rituals. The holiday season may arguably be the easiest time to consider your family traditions and take the time to create some new ones.
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
Questions to Consider when creating rituals:
What values and beliefs do I hold?
What characteristics am I trying to obtain?
What is most important to me and why?
What traits or beliefs would I like to pass down to my children?
What activities, foods, or events do I enjoy?
What times would work best? If I feel busy, what can I sacrifice in my schedule in order to promote rituals in my family?
One easy way to create a ritual is add special meaning to an already established routine.
For example, most families have a specific order of events for putting the children to bed. During the holiday season, spruce it up with holiday cheer! Play Christmas songs while cleaning up after dinner, put red and green bath bombs in the tub for your children to enjoy, or read holiday stories before bed. Remember to include your family members in on the decision-making process of the ritual.
Long to-do list? Try to add some special meaning to one of your tasks. Involve friends and family members.
When you go to wrap the presents, involve your family members! Turn it into a game to see who can wrap the neatest present, sing carols as you work, or tell stories about your ancestors. It may add a few minutes to your to-do list, but the increased family unity and growing smiles will be worth it.
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Adapting Rituals
“Routines and rituals evolve and do not just appear in full form—they take work.”
Don’t be afraid of the work! Here are some tips to help.
Tips during times of transition/stress:
Moved away from home? If you are able to, find time to participate in rituals with your family. Skype and FaceTime are great tools for this! Find ways to bring your favorite family traditions into your current life with friends, roommates, or coworkers. You’d be surprised how much joy decorating a tiny apartment while listening to Christmas music can bring to your life, even if it only takes a fraction of the time it used to take at home with your family.
Newlywed? Openly communicate with your spouse what rituals are important to your family and why. Learn about theirs and talk about ways you can meld some of your rituals together. Make sure to come up with some new ones of your own, as well! Don’t feel like you need a large list of rituals right when you get married. Many will naturally come as you experience life together. Just make sure to consider your rituals every so often. The holidays are a great time to do so.
In the thick of parenthood? Be willing to adapt your rituals to the needs of your children. Caroling all night in the cold with a baby might not be the best idea. Carol to a neighbor or two earlier in the evening. What do your children enjoy? What will promote fun instead of bickering or ruthless competition? Remember to focus on the values you hold dear.
Financial hardship? Look for free or low-cost ways to participate during the holiday season. Your family members will probably appreciate the tradition itself regardless of the money you spend to produce it.
Stressed or dealing with mental illness? Don’t focus on completing all family rituals with perfection. Select one or two, simplify them, and focus on being present in the moment. Traditions are intended to bring you closer to family members and remind you of who you are. You can also create new rituals that center on building yourself up or mental self-care. For example, create a new tradition where you take an evening to pamper yourself and watch a Hallmark movie!
Final Thoughts
As you with your family strive throughout the entire year to hold regular rituals, you can experience the magic of Christmas no matter the month!
Take a moment to reflect on your family traditions. Are they meeting the needs of you and your family? Do they help solidify your values, beliefs, and family identity? If necessary, create a new one or adapt a current tradition to your present family circumstance.
Garcia-Rada, X., Sezer, O., & Norton, M. I. (2019). Rituals and nuptials: The emotional and relational consequences of relationship rituals. Journal of the Association for Consumer Research, 4(2), 185–197. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1086/702761
Hunter Tarry is from Gilbert, Arizona. Hunter graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development with a minor in psychology. Married for just over three years, Hunter and her husband Joseph recently became a family of three. Hunter currently cares for her son, Joseph, full-time. Her research interests include all things political, the impact of law on marriage, families, and children, aging across the lifespan and families during transitory periods. Hunter enjoys photography, volleyball, trying new restaurants with her husband, watching Jeopardy, and finding new ways to make her son laugh.
