A few years ago, I walked into a support group for spouses and families of addicts, and was surprised by these two things:
The instant love and support I was shown, and
The clear emphasis on OUR INDIVIDUAL healing, NOT our loved ones’ healing.
Yes, we want our loved ones to heal and grow and overcome the things they struggle with, but that was not—nor will ever be—something any of us have any control over. The only thing we can truly control is our own healing, and the little and big decisions we make along the way.
Betrayal trauma can be felt when we feel betrayed by a loved one, and experience trauma from that. In other words, it is trauma experienced when we lose the trust of a loved one—often in cases of lying, deceit, infidelity, or other inappropriate and hurtful behavior. Both men and women can experience betrayal trauma (Note: I’m writing this paper as a woman who used to attend a women-only support group, so if I speak from that perspective, that’s why. But I know men who have experienced betrayal trauma as well, and their experiences are important to consider as well).
Psychologist George S. Everly found that those struggling with betrayal trauma exhibited many of the same symptoms as those suffering from Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, including:
…guilt, depression, psychological numbing, suspiciousness, hyper-vigilance, withdrawal from others, nightmares, and continually (almost addictively) reliving both the positive moments (longingly) and the negative moments (painfully) of the relationship, especially the moment of the revelation of the betrayal. And again as you might expect the betrayal engenders a terrible loss of self-esteem, the rise of self-doubt, the inability to trust again, and the desire to avoid relationships in the future.
Photo by John Mark Smith on Unsplash
Here is what betrayal trauma looked like for me:
In my own trauma, I developed “triggers”—situations, objects, places, memories, etc. that sent my mind and body spiraling into a state of anxiety. I remember once having to pull my car over to the side of the road when a memory came into my mind, unable to keep driving as my body involuntarily began shaking, and I fought to control my breathing and tears. For months I scanned parking lots as I drove into them, frantically seeing if I recognized any of the cars, trying to determine if I was (emotionally) safe or not. While experiencing other romantic relationships helped me heal and move forward, I also experienced triggers in intimate situations.
The sweet thing is, it got better. The triggers became fewer and farther between. Painful memories faded as new memories and experiences replaced them. I could eventually think about the happy memories from the past with gratitude instead of hurt.
Each person’s experience with betrayal trauma is different, including the severity of which they experience it. I’ve seen individuals suffer severe physical health issues as a result of their emotional grief*. I’ve seen them spend years working with their loved one to regain that trust—for both of them. I’ve known people who have stayed in relationships—for better or for worse—and I’ve known people who have left. Of those I’ve seen leave, sometimes they leave immediately upon the first betrayal, and sometimes they stay for years trying to make it work. There is no right or wrong solution for any person experiencing betrayal trauma.
If you are in the thick of trauma right now—maybe you just experienced a punch-to-the-heart disclosure or your relationship is just feeling especially heavy right now—I hope you know that you’re not alone, and that you are loved. Take a few breaths, let yourself cry, and do what you need to do to grieve—you may be experiencing a loss of trust, the vision you had for your relationship, your sense of self, and other parts of your life that are worth acknowledging and grieving.
When you’re ready to stand up and get moving, here are some ways to move forward and focus on healing your life.
Therapy
If you don’t have a therapist that you are comfortable confiding in, go find one right now. Even better, find a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma recovery. A quality, qualified therapist can not only offer you a space to talk freely, but can help you process those thoughts and feelings. They can offer additional insight and tools to aid in your healing.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
But did I mention that they can also offer you a space to talk freely? Especially in relationship issues, this is vital. In college, one of my Family Science professors noted that we should always be careful about the things we tell our parents about our partners/spouses—while we’ll most likely work things out with our partner pretty quickly and move forward, our parents will likely hold onto that resentment for much longer. They are just bystanders and aren’t (and shouldn’t be) in the relationship working things out alongside us. Therapists must maintain confidentiality (except in extenuating circumstances, such as when it concerns your immediate safety), so they are great sources to confide in.
Support Groups
As I said before, if you are experiencing betrayal trauma, know that you are not alone. Whether the trauma comes from a partner’s pornography use or other sexual addiction, sexual or emotional infidelity, or other form of unfaithful behavior, Bloom for Women reports that 41% of married women (about 30 million women) have unfaithful spouses. Of those, they state that about 72% experience trauma from sexual betrayal (about 21 million women).
Photo by Clarke Sanders on Unsplash
Support groups bring people struggling with similar issues together to share experiences, relate to one another, encourage personal growth, and feel less alone. You can search online for both online support groups (like Bloom for Women for betrayal trauma recovery) or local/regional support groups. As the facilitators in my local support group once told me, give it three meetings before you decide to drop out of the group. Support groups sometimes have their own culture of sorts (a particular meeting schedule, reading materials, how a person introduces themselves, how each meeting ends, etc.) If you still don’t like your group after a few meetings, try another one. But give it a chance.
Books, Podcasts, Etc.
Some of my favorites:
What Can I Do About Me by Rhyll Anne Croshaw
You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
Workbook: Healing Through Christ— free download here
Podcast: LifeBeats Project Episode #55 with Nicole, “Learning that kindness is a strength and not a weakness, especially when you are hurt by others.”
Album: Lemonade by Beyonce (if that’s your thing) 😉
I wanted to give you as many resources as I could, so I asked a couple of dear friends of mine what helped them heal:
All of the Brene Brown books!
The Overcomers Edge by Paul Psicka
Podcast: 3 in 30 Podcast Episode #68: Healing After Betrayal in Your Marriage
Doing Things
…and not just doing things, but doing things for yourself.
When I needed to heal emotionally, I turned to running. My overall focus turned to training for a running race, and all the fine details that went along with that like planning my next workouts, structuring my runs for the greatest physical benefit, analyzing my running form, tweaking my nutrition, etc. Beyond that big picture focus, my daily runs also offered me time to clear my mind, process grief, and literally and emotionally move forward.
Photo by Andrew Tanglao on Unsplash
Another friend of mine told me that when she felt her weakest, she resolved to do one thing every day that scared her. Sometimes it was giving a compliment to a stranger. Other times it was pushing herself physically in a difficult workout. A couple times it was traveling to the other side of the world for a last-minute humanitarian project. She grew through these experiences every single day.
Sometimes doing things for yourself means buying yourself a treat on the way home for work or booking a visit to the spa. Other times it means doing your taxes or washing all the dishes in the sink. Whatever it is, do something for yourself every single day. Even the smallest things add up over time and can help you build confidence, feel happier and stronger, and be a beautiful part of your recovery.
Conclusion
I worked through my trauma through engaging in therapy, participating in a support group (if you ladies are reading this, know that there is a special place in my heart for you, and I love you forever), feeling less alone through books, podcasts, and Beyonce’s brilliant and gut-wrenchingly relatable “Lemonade,” and running ‘til endorphins kicked in, and then running some more. These days my recovery is less about managing triggers and more about not repeating those old patterns of codependency in relationships. It’s about remembering my worth, holding my own, keeping my boundaries, and walking away when I need to.
You may have some big decisions coming up, like whether to stay or to leave, or even whether or not to get out of bed tomorrow. Regardless of any choices you make moving forward though, you will have to do the work to heal. You could run away and start a whole new life, and you’ll still have to do the work to heal. You can work endlessly to forgive and forget with your partner, and you’ll still need to do your own work to heal.
I can promise you though, this is the best work you will ever do for your life.
—
*Research shows that those who experience trauma that includes betrayal show more symptoms of physical illness, anxiety, dissociation, and depression than individuals whose trauma does not include betrayal, like those who have been in car accidents, etc. (Freyd, Klest & Allard 2005).
Identify one thing you can do today for yourself. It could be reading a book, scheduling an appointment to see your therapist, exercising, doing something that takes you out of your comfort zone, buying that cookie you’ve been craving for a week—anything that you are doing for yourself!
Everly, George S. Jr. (2018), “The Trauma of Intimate Partner Betrayal: Why it hurts so much and seven ways you can heal.” Psychology Today, Posted 8 June 2018.
Freyd, Jennifer J., Bridget Klest & Carolyn B. Allard (2005) Betrayal Trauma: Relationship to Physical Health, Psychological Distress, and a Written Disclosure Intervention, Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 6:3, 83-104.
Smith-Marek, E. N., Durtschi, J., Brown, C., & Dharnidharka, P. (2016). Exercise and diet as potential moderators between trauma, posttraumatic stress, depression, and relationship quality among emerging adults. American Journal of Family Therapy, 44(2), 53–66. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/01926187.2016.1145080
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Today in the US, divorce happens in about one out of two relationships. Interestingly, many of these relationships that are ending are ones that have made it long past the “seven-year itch”. Over the past few decades, the divorce rate among middle-aged and older adults has more than doubled! And that risk is even higher for couples over the age of 50 who are in second or third marriages.
So what’s the deal? Why are so many couples that have been together for so long breaking things off? A common thread in this so-called “gray divorce” story is that, right around this time, adult children are leaving the house. (Brown & Wright, 2017) Having a newly-empty nest does not increase a couple’s risk for divorce. However, when individuals have been investing the majority of their time and energy into their children rather than their marriage, this time of transition can leave a relationship feeling empty, and a couple feeling like they have grown impossibly far apart over the years. They have kept it up “for the kids”, but that need is no longer there. And what’s the point in staying together if they don’t have anything in common anymore?
It’s tragic that so many couples feel that the 25+ years they have spent together were spent growing apart rather than growing together. The good news is, there are quite a few things you can do RIGHT NOW, no matter the stage in your marriage, to keep your relationship strong and to avoid divorce as you and your partner age along with your relationship.
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1. Put your partner first
You and your spouse are the primary relationship unit in your family. When kids come, it can be really easy to invest all of your time and effort into taking care of and nurturing them. They do, after all, rely entirely on you to help them survive and thrive! However, making sure that your partner knows that they are your #1 priority can help your relationship stay strong and happy. Research has actually shown that making sure your kids know this as well helps them to feel more safe and secure in your home. (Brown, 2010) When they know that mom and dad are invested in each other, they know that their home life is secure and stable. This gives them a safe place to land when dealing with school, friends, and all of the other ups and downs that come with being a kid!
2. Continue dating
Whether you have been together for one month or 25 years, continuing to date your spouse can help you stay close and invested in your relationship. As you continue to date, you continue to learn more about your spouse. You make time to have fun together, and you spend time away from work or the kids to show your spouse that they are important to you.
3. Have frequent sex
Over time, it can be more and more difficult to find time for love-making in our relationships. However, having sex frequently can really keep the “spark” alive in a marriage (no longer making love is often one of the side-effects of growing emotionally apart in marriage). If you find yourselves getting swamped with other “to-do’s” (kids, work, school, friends, etc.), it may be helpful to schedule time in your week for sex. I’m serious, put it in your calendar!
4. Do things together
On top of regular dating, spouses can continue to nurture their relationship simply by just doing things together. Working in the yard, cooking and/or eating together, exercising, playing with the kids, shopping, participating in each other’s hobbies, etc.
Photo from pexels.com
The more time you spend together, the more time you naturally have to get to know each other and deepen your love for one another! Doing regular day-to-day activities together can also help prevent married couples from finding themselves living what relationship professionals call “parallel lives” (being legally married, but for all intents and purposes living separate and disconnected lives). Of course, this doesn’t mean you have to do everything together – alone-time can be really good for all of us – but intentionally spending time living and connecting with your spouse can literally make or break your relationship, now and in the future.
Have a conversation with your partner to check in on how your relationship is doing. Do you feel emotionally close? Do you put each other first? Or could your priorities use some shifting? Choose one of the 4 things listed above to re-commit to your relationship today!
Brown, S. L. (2010). Marriage and Child Well-Being: Research and Policy Perspectives. Journal of marriage and the family, 72(5), 1059–1077. https://doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00750.x
Brown, S. L., & Lin, I. (2012). The Gray Divorce Revolution: Rising Divorce Among Middle-Aged and Older Adults, 1990-2010. The Journals of Gerontology Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences,67(6), 731-741. https://doi:10.1093/geronb/gbs089
Brown, S. L., & Wright, M. R. (2017). Marriage, Cohabitation, and Divorce in Later Life. Innovation in aging, 1(2), igx015. https://doi:10.1093/geroni/igx015
Cowan, P. A., Cowan, C. P., & Mehta, N. (2009). Adult attachment, couple attachment, and children’s adaptation to school: an integrated attachment template and family risk model. Attachment & Human Development, 11(1), 29-46. https://doi:10.1080/14616730802500222
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
The word brings incredibly deep despair, discouragement, pain and heartache. A diagnosis of infertility brings with it a drastic change in identity. Men and women’s identities are biologically, psychologically, socially, and often spiritually entwined in being able to create life. And while 85% of couples are able to get pregnant without extraordinary measures, often “accidentally”, the other 15% of couples are emotionally exhausted, stressed, and lonely.
I want you to understand the stress that your loved ones are facing. The sense of loss is great. The struggle is significant. And if you can understand, then you can really help. And we want you to understand and help.
How bad is the stress?
Turns out, that women undergoing infertility treatment exhibit the same stress levels that cancer patients do. And many cancer survivors who struggled with infertility after their cancer reported that their stress during infertility was higher than when they were undergoing cancer treatment. They reported feeling more isolated, having less support from loved ones, and reported a significant impact on their sense of individuality and identity (Gurevich, 2016). The likelihood of an infertile woman experiencing a severe depressive episode is estimated to be nearly four times higher than for fertile women (Domar, et al., 2005). Men are more likely to receive hurtful comments about their infertility than women are. Many men dealing with infertility experience stress, particularly if they withdraw, do not seek social support, and desire children comparable to the degree their female counterparts do. Men receive less support and are subject to more thoughtless commentary than women, especially in the workplace (Fisher & Hammarberg, 2011).
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Infertility is a crisis, affecting not only physiology, but also finances and other resources, couple relationships, sexual functioning, social connections, immediate and long term goals and life plans, and family and social relationships (Rubin, 2001).
Finances
Finances are another obvious stressor. Most insurance companies do not cover infertility treatment because it is “elective”. Currently, 35 states do not require insurance companies to provide any kind of fertility coverage. The 15 states that do mandate insurance coverage vary in their requirements, and across the nation, very few companies cover more than testing for the diagnosis of infertility issues. The few companies that do cover IVF (in vitro fertilization) usually have a lifetime cap of $10,000-$25,000. When you consider that one cycle of IVF costs $12,000-$15,000, and that two-thirds of women don’t have a successful birth until after the 6th cycle, the numbers quickly become overwhelming. With these odds, a couple could easily pay $50,000 out of pocket, IF they live in one of 15 states covering IVF, with the very best case scenario of a $25,000 lifetime coverage plan And this doesn’t even include prenatal or postnatal care, by the way. This is just getting the bun in the oven.
Sex
Another contributing factor to infertility-related stress is the dramatic change in sex life. For most people, sex is a fun, and extremely meaningful part of a relationship that helps people connect and bond with one another. It is an expression of love, trust, and vulnerability. But when going through infertility, sex becomes a scheduled medical procedure based on body temperature and ovulation schedule, rather than intimacy and love (Rubin, 2001).
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
Biological Factors and Medical Treatments
Do not even get me started on the hormone levels. That’s a whole other rabbit hole. Imagine your wife having those wild pregnancy hormones and crippling stress….but no baby. Nothing to show for it. Just persistent hormones and mood swings…and an empty uterus. Whether it’s a couple of simple medications, IUI, or IVF, infertility treatment is hard, and every failed attempt restarts the hope-despair cycle, contributing to the increase of severe depressive episodes experienced by those struggling with infertility.
Stigma and Hurtful (even if unintentional) Comments and Actions
Because infertility is not normative, those battling it often feel the need to make excuses or explain their conditions because of the way others treat them, as if the condition is somehow inappropriate or wrong. This helps to explain the social aspects, and not merely physical aspects of infertility, and how the stigmas surrounding it can socially and psychologically damage infertile couples further. Researchers have addressed the social psychology of infertility, explaining further that infertility is an unwanted social status, and therefore carries a stigma (Matthews & Matthews, 1986). Because of stigmas and fear of hurtful or unsupportive treatment, 15% of women and 19% of men do not tell their families when they are undergoing IVF treatment and 23% of couples have not told both sets of parents, only one. (Peters, et al., 2005). The trouble with this is that those who are generally expected and hoped to be closest to a couple are not part of their support system, making them more susceptible to mental illnesses like depression. And men are more likely to receive hurtful comments than women (Fisher & Hammarberg, 2011).
Photo from pexels.com
How to help
Increasing positive self-perception is a critical part of managing the negative impacts of infertility (Raque-Bogdan & Hoffman, 2010). Helping your loved ones to identify their positive qualities and working to refrain from insinuating that they are less of a person because of that infertility (it may sound obvious, but people make comments without meaning to more often than they even realize) is essential.
It is unlikely that people will ask, but when possible and appropriate, helping by contributing financially is incredibly helpful. At the beginning of the year, my husband and I were blessed tremendously. Generous friends sent us a check, which immediately went into an account my husband and I have just for infertility treatments. We certainly have a long way to go, but the amount of stress this relieved was indescribable, and our gratitude matched it.
Please do not attempt to help with the sex life portion of stress. Leave that one to us. Frequently men have suggested sex positions to my husband. Sex positions aiding in fertility are myths, and a couple’s sex life is their own. It is not a conversation for you to initiate.
Ask appropriate questions. Sometimes we need to talk about it. I know it can be awkward for you, but it means a lot when you say, “Hey, how are you doing with the infertility stuff?” And you can even say “stuff” if you don’t know what to say. And if we say, “okay” or “fine”, take it with a grain of salt. A coworker recently approached me and asked how my “infertility journey” was going. She didn’t give advice. She just listened and validated. We only spoke for about five minutes, but I cannot tell you how much that simple conversation meant. Please be mindful that your questions do not become intrusive: “When are you going to take on a more intense form of treatment?”, for example, is a deeply personal question.
We’re going to be okay. We know that. But for now, we press forward. We look for temporary distractions, many of us attend grief and/or marriage counseling, and central to our health is finding other parts of our identity, searching for meaning in other places. It is hard – some days it seems impossible – but we will be okay. And we greatly appreciate all the love, generosity, support and empathy you provide.
Check in with a friend or family member struggling with infertility. Take a moment to be a good friend: an active, empathetic listener.
References
DOMAR, A., PENZIAS, A., DUSEK, J., MAGNA, A., MERARIM, D., NIELSEN, B., & PAUL, D. (2005). The stress and distress of infertility: Does religion help women cope? Sexuality, Reproduction and Menopause, 3(2), 45-51. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sram.2005.09.007
Gurevich, R. (2016, August 2). What Infertility, Trauma, and Cancer Survivors Have in Common. Retrieved February 16, 2017, from https://www.verywell.com/how-infertility-Cancer-trauma-survivors-are-similar-1959993
Fisher, J. R., & Hammarberg, K. (2011). Psychological and social aspects of infertility in men: An overview of the evidence and implications for psychologically informed clinical care and future research. Asian Journal of Andrology, 14(1), 121-129. https://doi.org/10.1038/aja.2011.72
Matthews, A. M., & Matthews, R. (1986). Beyond the mechanics of infertility: Perspectives on the social psychology of infertility and involuntary childlessness. Family Relations, 35(4), 479. https://doi.org/10.2307/584507
Peters, C., Kantaris, X., Barnes, J., & Sutcliffe, A. (2005). Parental attitudes toward disclosure of the mode of conception to their child conceived by in vitro fertilization. Fertility and Sterility, 83(4), 914-919. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.fertnstert.2004.12.019
Raque-Bogdan, T. L., & Hoffman, M. (2010). Self-Perception, Hope and Well-Being in Women Experiencing Infertility. American Psychological Association 2010 Conference Presentation.
Rubin, H. D. (2001). The impact and meaning of childlessness: an interview study of childless women (Unpublished doctoral dissertation).
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Written by Family Finance Researcher, Ashley B. LeBaron
If you were to ask the average person on the street, “What is the #1 thing you and your partner fight about?”, chances are good that they would say, “Money.” (They might also say, “Sex,” but we’ll save that for another day.) My job is to figure out why, what this means for you, and what you can do about it. Hi! I’m Ashley, and I’m a family finance researcher. I study how money and family relationships impact each other.
A couple years ago I was listening to a lecture on feminism (btw, I’m a feminist, and I’m pretty sure you are too—we’ll come back to that) and had a lightbulb moment: Is power part of the reason why money—particularly how couples handle their money—has such an effect on couple relationships?
With help from four incredible co-authors and friends (Erin K. Holmes, Jeremy B. Yorgason, E. Jeffrey Hill, and David B. Allsop), I conducted a study that explored whether four couple financial processes (individual income, whether couples had a joint bank account, the extent to which couples managed their money as a team, and how often couples fought about money) would predict relationship quality and relationship stability. I also explored whether relational power would explain why the couple’s financial processes predicted relationship outcomes. In other words, I tested whether financial processes affect the power each partner feels they have in their relationship and whether that power then goes on to affect relationship outcomes.
Before I tell you what I found, let’s first address the elephant in whatever room you’re currently sitting in.
Feminism.
Some of you are already proud, self-proclaimed feminists, and right now your internal voice is going, “Mmhm, preach.” For others of you, the very word might make you feel uncomfortable and defensive, like you’re about to be attacked by a mob of angry, bra-burning women who will blame you personally for every injustice that’s ever been committed. Go ahead and relax—I am not that mob. When I google “define feminism,” here’s what it spits out: “the advocacy of women’s rights on the basis of the equality of the sexes.” Sure, there are different types of feminism. But most feminists are not trying to take over the world and make you feel less than in the process; they’re just trying to help people have an equal opportunity and voice, regardless of whether people have two X chromosomes or an X and a Y. They’re saying, “Hey, I believe women and men are equals. But sometimes, people aren’t treated that way. Let’s do something about it.” I am so grateful for the women before me who recognized their worth and were brave enough to stand up and demand basic rights so that today a woman like me can do things like vote, own land, and be a professor. To someone who listens to and seeks to truly understand others, feminism isn’t scary—it’s a call for equal partnership.
Photo from pexels.com
Power.
Let’s also address the word power. To some of you, this might be another one of those scary, ugly-sounding words. Just like the way I feel about feminism has changed, though, the way I feel about power has changed, too. When people use their own power to hurt or take away the power of others, it becomes an ugly thing. Power can be misused. But isn’t it wonderful to see those who once felt powerless become empowered? In relationships, power can be defined as the say or influence that each partner feels they have in their relationship. In other words, to what extent do they feel like an equal partner in their relationship? Research has shown that the highest quality relationships are those in which both partners feel empowered. (That makes perfect sense to most feminists, who want equal power for women and men.) In other words, a great marriage is two people with lots of power. As long as bothpartners have equal power, power isn’t bad—it facilitates equal partnership.
Okay, so hopefully you’re convinced that feminism and power can provide important insights into what an equal partnership looks like. Now, back to the research study: Can feminism help us answer the question Why does money impact couple relationships so much? Is part of the answer power?
Well, simply put (and believe me—with statistics, it’s never actually simple), we were right! Couple financial processes did predict relationship outcomes, and power was part of the reason why. Healthy couple financial processes (stick with me for a second, and I’ll give you some examples) maximize each partner’s relational power, and relational power seems to be what is actually affecting relationship outcomes.
So what?
So, why does money matter so much in couple relationships? Because how couples handle their money can either empower both partners, or it can diminish the power of one or both partners. (Thanks, feminism!) When both spouses are involved in financial processes, partners tend to be more empowered, and relationship quality and stability tend to be higher.
Photo from pexels.com
So, what do these findings mean for you? You get to decide! Power and equal partnership will mean different things in every relationship. However, here are three research-supported steps that you might consider taking to help you better manage finances as a couple:
Have joint bank accounts – Having access to money is empowering and facilitates transparency between partners. Pooling resources can also be symbolic–you are a team.
Co-manage your money as a team – Make money decisions together and be on the same page about income, expenditures, retirement plans, etc. This demonstrates your equality and partnership.
Easier said than done? So are many of the most important things in life. It’ll take effort. But your relationship will be stronger because of it! Let your financial processes be one of the ways you demonstrate your equal partnership and, therefore, the love and respect and trust you share.
This week, have a discussion about finances with your partner. Do you feel that you are an equal partner when it comes to money-management in your relationship? What changes do you feel you should make together?
References
Britt, S. L., Hill, E. J., LeBaron, A. B., Lawson, D. R., & Bean, R. A. (2017). Tightwads and spenders: Predicting financial conflict in couple relationships. Journal of Financial Planning, 30(5), 36–42.
Conroy, A. A., McGrath, N., van Rooyen, H., Hosegood, V., Johnson, M. O., Fritz, K., Marr, A., Ngubane, T., & Darbes, L. A. (2016). Power and the association with relationship quality in South African couples: Implications for HIV/AIDS interventions. Social Science & Medicine, 153, 1–11. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.socscimed.2016.01.035
Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples. New York: Guilford.
Greenberg, L. S., & Goldman, R. N. (2008). Emotion-focused couples therapy: The dynamics of emotion, love, and power. American Psychological Association. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/11750-000
Knudson-Martin, C. (2013). Why power matters: Creating a foundation of mutual support in couple relationships. Family Process, 52(1), 5– 18.
LeBaron, A. B., Holmes, E. K., Yorgason, J. B., Hill, E. J., & Allsop, D. B. (2018). Feminism and couple finance: Power as a mediator between financial processes and relationship outcomes. Sex Roles, 81(3-4), 140-156. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-018-0986-5
Pahl, J. (1995). His money, her money: Recent research on financial organisation in marriage. Journal of Economic Psychology, 16(3), 361-376. https://doi.org/10.1016/0167-4870(95)00015-g
Yodanis, C., & Lauer, S. (2007). Managing money in marriage: Multilevel and cross-national effects of the breadwinner role. Journal of Marriage and Family, 69(5), 1307-1325. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00449.x
Ashley LeBaron is a doctoral student in Family Studies and Human Development at the University of Arizona. Her research focus is family finance, including couple finance and financial socialization. Ashley was valedictorian for the College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences at Brigham Young University in 2016 and Graduate Student of the Year for the Utah Council on Family Relations in 2018.
Multiple people, married for a little over a year, come to me deeply concerned and say, “I am afraid that I don’t love my spouse as much as I did when I got married.” They are terrified that they are falling out of love and that their relationship may be headed for the rocks. Things aren’t bad, but they aren’t as great as they used to be either. The truth is, this process is completely normal, and if this is you, you haven’t fallen out of love. Welcome to the reality phase of marriage. Sometimes it can feel lonely and impossible, but hold on; you’ll get through this!
What is the Reality Phase?
Marriage has several stages, all completely normal. The honeymoon phase tends to last 12-18 months, and after the honeymoon phase, reality hits. When reality has set in, spouses may ask, “who did I marry?”, “did I make the right decision?”, or the dreaded, “what if I am falling out of love?” The answer is, you can’t fall out of love, because you can’t fall in love.
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So what is love?
You can’t fall in love because love is a process begat by decisive, intentional nurturing, time, and communication. You can fall in infatuation, however. Infatuation is the attraction, butterflies, and eagerness we feel at the beginning of new relationships. Infatuation is important; it helps us identify people we are attracted to and like so that we can make decisions to pursue relationships we are interested in. This helps us develop deep, lasting romantic relationships. Infatuation is important because it opens us up to romantic love, but it is temporary.
The early stages of love – the infatuation and honeymoon are presented to us by the same parts of the brain that give us cravings, obsessions, and motivation, while brain regions associated with decision-making and planning shut down (Fisher, 2016). Once the prefrontal cortex (part of the brain assisting in decision making, logic, and planning) gets involved in our relationships, reality sets in more and more.
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Love is not an emotion. Real, lasting love is a verb. But often we don’t think of it that way. We think of love as an emotion – something we feel for another person. If you keep thinking of it that way, remember that all emotions come and go. Happiness, fear, anger, sadness, and pleasure are all temporary. And if we define love as an emotion, that means that love is temporary too. There are times that we look at our spouse and feel connected and madly in love. And then there are times that we don’t feel that deep emotion. Because love is nurtured. It doesn’t exist randomly. We are responsible for creating our love lives – for creating a marriage that is the greatest love story of all time.
What’s next?
I want you to know that this is normal. The pain, the fear, the frustrations. It is all normal. I want you to know that you’re going to be okay. If you choose to, you will move through this, and on the other side, you will laugh at the experience. Celebrate, because as hard as this is, it means you are moving forward. You’ve hit the next phase of your relationship, and soon enough, you’ll reach the next one, cooperation.
How?
Reality is all about realizing and coming to terms with the faults of your partner, needing to accept feedback and accountability for your own flaws, and navigating how to make a relationship function practically. Once you are able to do this, you will be able to move on to the cooperation stage, which is all about working together and becoming a strong, organically functioning team. Here are a few things that will help you move from reality to cooperation more quickly and easily.
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1. Accept 10 flaws (or annoying idiosyncrasies) (Hill, 2013). I’m serious. 10. That sounds like a lot, but I am not talking about the really big things (addictions, abuse, fits of anger, overspending, victimizing, etc.). I mean accept the little things. So maybe he doesn’t load the dishwasher the way you would. You’re not a god. He loaded the dishwasher, express appreciation and be done with it. Maybe she squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. So what? It’s toothpaste. You won’t die. Accept 10 of these trivial things. Because they are trivial. And if you can let them go, then you have much more time and energy to address the big things, as well as to celebrate the positive elements of your relationship.
2. Keep learning about each other. Though it may seem like it, you don’t know everything about each other. Ask questions, try new things, observe. This will help you to keep yourself partner-focused, identify new positive qualities, and appreciate new shared experiences. You have a lot to work through and are most likely to be successful in this endeavor when you “consciously make efforts to meet criticism and baggage observations with objectivity rather than perceiving personal affronts or attacks. Seeking to understand before seeking to be understood is the key to success (Anderson, 2018).”
3. Remember the Gottman’s 5:1 ratio. Relationships can thrive when 5 positive events and interactions exist for every 1 negative interaction (Gottman et al., 1998). These interactions can be simple, but they add up to develop meaningful experiences and beliefs, for positive or negative. Say “I love you”, “thank you”, “you’re so attractive”, “I love spending time with you”, etc. frequently. Kiss, hug, cuddle, massage, bring home little gifts, do little acts of service, frequently. This will help you continue to see value in your relationship and in each other while balancing and effectively addressing “the big stuff”.
4. Keep talking. In all relationships, communication is essential. Listening to your partner with the intent to understand is essential. I love this quote from Stephen R. Covey: “… listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives, and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart (Covey, 1989).”
1. Focus on at least two of the suggestions above.
2. Cut both you and your partner some slack this week.
Carrère, S., Buehlman, K. T., Gottman, J. M., Coan, J. A., & Ruckstuhl, L. (2000). Predicting marital stability and divorce in newlywed couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 42-58. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.42
Covey, Stephen R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Hill, E. J. (2012, August/September). Strengthening Marriage and Family: Proclamation Principles and Scholarship. Lecture presented in Brigham Young University, Provo.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Identify one thing you can do today for yourself. It could be reading a book, scheduling an appointment to see your therapist, exercising, doing something that takes you out of your comfort zone, buying that cookie you’ve been craving for a week—anything that you are doing for yourself!
