Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer

Largely based on Dr. Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages

The least common love language is ‘gifts’ (Bland & McQueen, 2018; Bunt & Hazelwood, 2017). Sure, most of us enjoy receiving birthday, Christmas and Valentine’s gifts, but it is not often someone’s primary love language.

Yet for many, gift-giving is the easiest way to show love. It is easy to stop by the mall and pick something up compared to the effort and time commitment required to perform a significant act of service or write a meaningful letter.

Gift giving can also be overwhelming for some. Money may also be an object.

Here are five tips for more meaningful gift giving:

1. Give gifts your partner wants, not gifts you want your partner to have.

This was a skill my parents taught me growing up. It really is just good etiquette. Buying gifts you want your partner to have can be manipulative or selfish. The rule is simple.

2. Expected gifts are most meaningful when they demonstrate some sacrifice.

A gift on Christmas, a birthday, or Valentine’s Day is expected, and so it should carry some significance and require some sacrifice on your part. This does not mean emptying your bank account, and that would surely upset your partner. But a gift that demonstrates sacrifice in some other way – significant thought or effort – is nice. Keep in mind too that this may not just mean the gift. For example, purchasing gifts for your significant other the day before or the day of usually gives off the impression that because you have procrastinated getting the gift, you by extension are procrastinating them. Purchase or make expected gifts early so that you have time to make sure they are meaningful, as well as to avoid that potentially hurtful impression.

3. Small, spontaneous gifts can go a long way.

Not every gift needs to be delivered on a specific occasion. Sometimes the things that mean the most are simple and spontaneous because they demonstrate that our partners are on our minds. And it feels good to know you’re being thought about.

Once, I wrote the things I love about my husband on individual paint sample cards. I hid them all around our house for him to find. There was one in his shoes, one in the corner of the mirror, one taped to the ceiling of the pantry, etc. I went to work that evening, and while I was gone, my husband came home to a card on the front door telling him that I had hidden 68 of these little paint samples for him to find while I was gone. The gift took a lot of time – I spent several days listing my favorite things about my husband in a notebook before writing them down. The writing and hiding took a couple of hours too. But it did not cost any money, and it reflected my favorite things about my husband – just because. He loved it.

4. Gifts are not meant to be a fix-it for conflict.

There is of course the cliche practice of gift-giving after an argument – he comes home with flowers and chocolate, and expects to be freely forgiven. We have seen it in romantic comedies time and time again. But it really does not work in real life. Gifts are usually a band aid fix at best, but they usually fail to address the real issue of the conflict, and so the issue will likely resurface later. If you do use gifts as a way of making up, keep them on the simple side. Let gifts supplement real words and actions in cases of conflict.

5. Gifts can address a partner’s specific physical or emotional needs.

My mother’s dominant love language is words of affirmation, and my father knows this. When holidays come around (especially Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthday and anniversary), my father spends excruciating amounts of time shopping for cards. The cards cannot not be funny, or short, or plain. My dad always purchases those expensive cards so long they are tri-folded. It has to be the perfect card – something that says exactly how he feels about my mom. I remember falling asleep in Target more than once while waiting for my father to pick out a card. Naturally, a card was never the only gift my mother received, but he played to her needs and love language.

Each relationship is unique. Playing to the emotional and physical needs of our partners increases the meaning and significance of the gifts we give them.

If you are one of those who has decided to purchase Valentine’s Day gifts at the last moment, I recommend that you skip the teddy bears. No one has use for those. May I instead suggest that you get creative with the time you have left. Good luck! As always, we would love to answer any questions you may have. Happy Valentine’s Day.

References:

Bland, A. M., & McQueen, K. S. (2018). The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: An exploratory cluster analysis. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 7(2), 103–126. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/cfp0000102

Chapman, G. D. (2010). Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation. In The 5 love languages(pp. 38-52). Chicago: Northfield Pub.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.

Written by Rian Gordon

Largely Drawn from The 5 Love Languages, Chapter 4

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

If you have ever been called a name or been the victim of gossip, you will know that this is a downright lie. Words are powerful, and words can hurt! Luckily, words can also heal. They can bring hope and encouragement. They can express and strengthen love and commitment. The positive power of words is the essence of Dr. Gary Chapman’s first love language, and the topic of our discussion today: Words of Affirmation.

Affirming words build our partner up. They validate, give emotional support, and uplift. Dr. Chapman suggests several different types of affirming words that you can use regularly to help your spouse feel loved:

Compliments

Giving sincere verbal compliments can brighten anyone’s day – especially when that person’s love language is words of affirmation. These words of appreciation and love are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements, such as:

“Thank you so much for clearing out the sink before you left for work this morning. That is so helpful to me, and I really appreciate it.”

or:

“Sweetheart, I love how safe and comfortable I feel around you. You always help me know that it’s okay to be myself.”

or even:

“You sure do look handsome in that suit tonight, babe!”

The other night, as I was getting ready to nurse our little boy, my husband Mark looked at me and said, “Thank you so much for taking care of our son, and for making sure to take care of yourself as well. It really means so much to me.” This little compliment made me feel so special and validated. I had had a very busy and exhausting day, and just hearing those words alleviated my stress and frustration.

You never know the impact your words could have on someone you love. When was the last time you told your spouse something that you loved or appreciated about them?

Encouraging Words

Another variation of words of affirmation is giving your spouse encouragement. Everyone struggles with insecurity in some shape or form, and you never know how meaningful your words of love and support might be to your spouse in helping them have the confidence to explore their own potential.

It’s important to understand that encouraging words should focus on giving your spouse support and praise that focuses on their desires and dreams – NOT on something you wish they would do, like, “Honey, you know what I think you would be really good at? Doing the dishes.” Gary Chapman describes it in this way:

“Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your spouse’s perspective. We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement.” – The 5 Love Languages, pg. 42

Encouraging words should show your partner that you believe in them and their abilities. They should reassure your partner that no matter what, you will be there to support them and cheer them on.

Kind Words

Speaking with kindness does not only apply to the words we say, but to how we say them. When we use kind and loving words combined with kind and open body language and tone of voice, our message of love is far more likely to shine through, leaving less room for confusion or miscommunication.

Interestingly enough, we can also share difficult thoughts and feelings with our partner in a kind way. Discussing with them our hurt, pain, and even disagreement or anger in loving kindness can be an intimate expression of love. Conflict is a normal and healthy part of every relationship, and when it is handled using kind words, it can bring couples closer together rather than driving them apart. (For more thoughts on handling difficult topics in healthy ways, check out our post here).

Humble Words

Using humble words can help to build trust and unity in a relationship. One way to speak humbly is to ask your partner for help. Making requests of your partner (rather than demands) shows that you feel they are capable and have something to contribute. It also honors their choice – we need to know that we can say no! Love is meaningful because it honors choice. When that freedom to choose is taken away, love is no longer a part of the picture. Humbly honor your partner by expressing appreciation for their choice to love you and work at your relationship.

Getting Creative

There are many other ways in which we can affirm our spouse. Here are some different ideas to help you get thinking outside the box:

• Say something nice about your spouse behind their back – to their friend, their sibling, your kids, or even your mother-in-law! Practicing words of affirmation even when your spouse is not around will help to make them more of a habit in your relationship.

• Set a goal to give your spouse a different sincere compliment each day for one month.

• Keep a words of affirmation notebook! As you watch tv, read books, listen to other people’s conversations, etc., expand your love language vocabulary by writing down the words of affirmation that you hear. Maybe even try using a few of them with your spouse.

• Write your spouse a love letter and mail it to them.

• Write down a list of your spouse’s strengths and read that list out loud to him or her.

References

Chapman, G. D. (2010). Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation. In The 5 love languages (pp. 38-52). Chicago: Northfield Pub.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.

Cover photo by Ben Allred Photography

Written by Rian Gordon

I haven’t been married for all that long (in the scheme of things, two years is really nothing!), but I have had a lot of soon-to-be newlyweds ask me what one piece of advice I might give them before they officially seal the deal. I’ve given them the same answer every time: “Remember to CHOOSE to be in love every day.” In today’s world, “choosing” to be in love might seem like a strange concept. We are so used to terms like “falling in/out of love” and “love at first sight”. These terms take love completely outside of our control. In reality, however, most of the time it is completely within our power to have a successful and long-lasting relationship. We can choose every day to take matters into our own hands, and to make choices that allow us to be in love with our spouse (Mickel & Hall, 2009). Here are a few important things to remember when it comes to choosing to love each other every day.

You don’t have to like each other every minute of every day in order to love each other.

A lot of couples worry that when they disagree or get upset at each other, it means that they are falling out of love or that things aren’t working out. Beware of this mentality! Just because you aren’t feeling the need to stare at each other with googly-eyes constantly doesn’t mean that you don’t love each other any more. As you get further along in your relationship, you, and the dynamic between you and your partner, are going to change. You won’t stay in that “newlywed phase” forever, and that is a good thing! You can choose to either let the change drive you apart, or you can see it as an opportunity to open up to one another, get to know each other better, and come closer together.

You don’t find a “soulmate”. You become a soulmate.

There is a strong misconception in our society that when we are looking for love, we are looking for our “one and only” or our “soulmate” — our perfect other half that will complete us, and fulfill every need that we could possibly have. This is false! When we fall into this trap, we run the risk of having very unhealthy and unhappy relationships. Searching for a one and only is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. There are billions of people in the world! How are we supposed to find the one person that will be our perfect fit?  On top of that discouraging thought, believing in a soulmate can lead us to re-think our relationships after we have committed to a partner. When things go wrong, we start to believe that maybe the person we have committed to isn’t in fact the one for us, and we become even more dissatisfied and unhappy. Instead, we need to realize that after we have chosen and committed to someone, they become your soulmate, and you become theirs. You learn how to love each other, and how to help each other be better. It is also important to remember that no matter who you are with, you are going to have disagreements. The only person who will want everything exactly the way you do is YOU. However, these disagreements do not have to mean that we are with the wrong person. All they mean is that you need to communicate.

Let the little things go.

My husband and I learned this lesson early on in our marriage. You don’t need to do everything the same way because not every little thing matters! For example, one night my husband Mark asked me to give him a haircut. He suggested that we cut it in the bathroom so we could sweep up the hair after. I insisted that we do it in the living room on the carpet so we could vacuum up the hair. We both thought the other person was being a little silly until we forced ourselves to slow down and talk. As we talked, we realized that we both thought that our way was the right way because that was how our moms had done it when we were young! We had learned two different “right” ways to do something, and both were equally efficient. This lesson has helped us in a lot of different situations such as folding the towels, loading the dishwasher, and even boiling meat. It takes a lot less energy to slow down and discuss your reasons for wanting to do something a certain way than it does to argue about it. Most of the time, it’s okay to just let the other person do their thing and let it go.

Love is a verb. Show it in your actions.

Finally, without actions, love is really meaningless. You can say that you “love” someone, but what good does that do if you don’t show them? One of the best ways to make the choice to be in love every day is by serving your significant other (Mickel & Hall, 2009). Believe it or not, selflessly acting in ways that show your love for your partner can even deepen and strengthen the love that you already have for them. In showing love, it’s important to remember that people like to be loved in different ways. Some people want to be cuddled (this is me), some love getting flowers, some enjoy love-letters, and for some, it’s enough to just spend time with the people they love. Finding out how you and your partner both like to be loved can help you better communicate and make sure that you are both feeling love in your relationship. For one way to find out more about how you like to receive love, click here.

Choosing love often requires sacrifice, but I promise it is absolutely worth it. One of my favorite movie quotes says, “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return” (Moulin Rouge!, 2001). Choosing love takes practice and often involves a learning curve. It isn’t always easy, but consciously deciding to choose love, and to actively show that love in your relationship, will help you on your way to becoming a power couple.

References

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Luhrmann, B. (Director). (2001). Moulin Rouge! [Motion Picture]. United States: Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation.

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.