Written by Sydney Tittle
Based on Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages
Last but not least, let’s talk about service. Acts of service is both simple and complex. You can find its simplicity in the title, where what you see is what you get.
Service = doing something for someone else.
It’s complexity comes when applied to the context of different individuals with unique needs and desires. The trick to figuring out acts of service lies within your desire and ability to ask questions and try different things to help your partner feel the most loved.
Acts of service, like any other love language can be a tough one to navigate – especially if this is not your preferred love language. Because of this, I have decided to break this down into two parts. Part one is tips for the “giver” and it is a little bit more in depth. Part two is a bit more simple and includes tips for the “receiver.” The receiver portion is geared towards the individuals who have acts of service as their primary love language. The giver portion is geared toward the partner of these said individuals. All this being said, both portions have principles that can be beneficial for ALL who apply them.
Tips for the Giver:
1. “See the need, do the deed!” – Look around, observe, try to take on your partner’s point of view
Below, you will find two observation scenarios. Take a minute to think about what you would do in these scenarios and make your best decision based on what you learned from tip #1 “See the need, do the deed.” My hope is that these two exercises can get you thinking a little bit more the importance of perspective taking. Development of this skill takes time and may require plenty of patience and practice.
Scenario 1 – John comes home from a long day at work, exhausted and ready for dinner. He pulls the car in the garage and walks into the kitchen. There he sees his wife Jessica scrambling around trying to get dinner ready and his two year old daughter Lucy crying in her high chair. John walks over and picks up his daughter and instantly the potent smell of poopy diaper hits his nose. He glances over to the living room to see about three loads of laundry half folded – half spread around the room.
John knows how much Jessica values acts of service. What can he do to show her love, even though he too is needing a little love himself? (Hint: There is not just one right or wrong answer here.)
Scenario 2 – Brittney has been traveling for work and is so excited to come home and see her boyfriend, Bobby. It is finals week, and Bobby is completely swamped trying to work a full time job and survive his senior year of college classes. Brittney tells Bobby that she will swing by his house later with some food so they can eat dinner and spend some time together. When Brittney walks into the apartment, she immediately smells the stench of the pile of dishes sitting in the sink. Not only that, but the trash can is full and the cupboards are empty. Bobby has his school stuff spread out covering the entire kitchen table, and is looking stressed and tense.
Brittney knows how much Bobby values acts of service. What can she do to show him love, even though she too is needing a little love herself? (Hint: Once again, no right or wrong answer here.
2. “What can I do?” – Don’t be afraid to ASK for ways you can best serve them. There is just one caveat to this tip – sometimes your partner may not give you a good answer to this question, sometimes they may feel like they have to “do it all themselves.”
This can be challenging, but it is possible to overcome. In these cases, sometimes what you need to do is move back to tip number one, and just keep trying. The more you show them you want to serve them, the more they will be willing to let you do so.
Gary Chapman also recommends making what he calls “request lists” this is where each individual takes a minute and writes down 3-4 things that if your partner chose to do them, would make you feel loved. He simply states that lists are important because they help us think concretely. “Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.”
Take another minute to write out a physical list of requests. Have your partner do the same. This activity is pure magic if you will commit to implement what you learn about your partners needs and wants. These requests should be specific in nature and help you to know exactly what it is you and your partner need to feel loved. Remember, you can serve and serve all day, and still have it feel like not enough because sometimes it’s not so much about the act of service itself as it is the TYPE of service given.
Tips for the receiver:
1. Look for the offerings of service and be grateful for them. The practice of serving those they love may not come as easily to your partner as they do to you. In fact, perhaps the acts of service they are giving you are coming from a space of THEIR dominant love language instead of yours.
For example: Let’s say your partner values physical touch… In their mind, maybe giving you a little back rub is their physical way of serving you. Maybe your partner values quality time and takes off work one day to spend time with you.
Another example: Maybe gifts is what they love, so they serve you by buying you some nice dish washing gloves because they noticed your hands dry out from washing in the winter time.
In your mind, you may be thinking – “Why did you buy my these gloves? What I really want is for you to DO THE DISHES FOR ME!!” But to your partner, they are trying to serve you by offering the language that comes most naturally to them – Gifts.
Big or small, chances are your significant other is trying to show you love, they may just not know what exactly it is you need the most.
2. “Tell them what you want, what you really really want.” – Believe it or not, your partner is not a mind reader.
If there is something you would like them to do to show you love, do not be afraid to make that request. This goes back to what we talked about in tips for the giver #2. Sit down with your partner and make a list of 3-4 requests. Doing so will help you both show each other the love each of you needs in the way you need it.
In conclusion, I just want you to remember: these things take time. Just as you can’t learn Spanish or Swahili overnight, you can’t expect for you or your loved one to learn your love language overnight either. It takes practice, but it is always possible. Remember the bottom line for why you are doing what you are doing. It’s all about love… and with that love, you can accomplish anything.
References:
Bland, A. M., & McQueen, K. S. (2018). The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: An exploratory cluster analysis. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 7(2), 103–126. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/cfp0000102
Chapman, G. D. (2010). The 5 Love Languages. Chicago: Northfield Pub.
Hughes, J. L., & Camden, A. A. (2020). Using Chapman’s five love languages theory to predict love and relationship satisfaction. Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research, 25(3), 234-244. https://doi.org/10.24839/2325-7342.jn25.3.234
Sydney Tittle is an Orem, Utah native. She has a passion for family life, social innovation, and anything creative. She is the second of five children, and loves spending time with friends and family. In August of 2017, she graduated from Brigham Young University with a bachelor’s degree in family studies.
Discover your self-love language, and implement one practice to show yourself some love this week. 
Find at least one way each day for a week to use appropriate physical touch in your relationship without it leading to sex. (Sex is good too! But we want you to broaden your physical touch repertoire and be more creative.)
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.