How can I stop being afraid of relationships? Fear is a universal emotion, and perhaps the most resisted. Our current age provides us with constant and limitless information. This access to data can also generate anxiety. Sometimes the more advice we get the less sure we are of life’s choices. A major, modern concern is in regard to relationships. Have you ever felt scared of marriage after hearing about your friend’s messy divorce? Or wanted to end things after something was said or done that reminded you of a past disappointment? The majority of people will say they desire connection and a romantic partnership, but the uncertainty in achieving that goal often keeps us from trying. While fear is a normal part of life, it does not have to be crippling.
Fear of relationships doesn’t actually protect us from the challenges in relationships. Understanding fear can improve our bonds with others. Leaning into the emotion and asking yourself how this perception came to be will start you on the path to bravery. Fear of fear will hinder our growth. Owning our fear and seeking to understand it gives us back our power.
Fear or Uncertainty
Fear is meant to fuel an action that creates more safety. When we feel unease, we usually avoid the environment that triggered the feeling. Often we bypass associating with others because we’d like to feel sure. However, we cannot be certain of a person unless we make an attempt to connect with them. This is why many individuals who fear relationships feel that the process is a catch-22. In the book The Four Loves it states, “There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one…But [your heart] will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell” (Lewis, 1960).
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The reality is, no matter how knowledgeable or prepared we may feel for relationships, there will always be a risk. We take risks all the time. We risk getting out of bed each morning. We risk rejection when we interview for a new job. We risk our safety when we drive on the road, or get on a plane. While the outcome of such decisions aren’t always in our control, we still take action. Why? Because we’ve practiced. We’ve practiced the choices of ambiguity enough to have hope in the process of life. The way to fear relationships less is to practice this same hope in our experiences with others. Relationships involve discomfort and uncertainty. We will experience hurt in and out of relationships. So, what motivates us to participate in this connection process if it is never a guaranteed safe experience?
We Are Meant to Love
“We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering” (Brown, 2012). The reason we engage in such a risky process as connection is because it’s at the core of life’s meaning. It gives flavor and joy to our lives. It also brings disappointment and challenges. But real suffering comes in avoiding connection altogether. We all need each other if we want to grow.
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Be Brave and Choose Hope
The brain is programmed to protect. This is normal and necessary for our survival. The emotion of fear is nothing more than a chemical reaction working its way through the body as a result of a thought in our mind (Moore, 2018). So, how do we be brave in our ties with others? It starts with our thinking. We have tens of thousands of thoughts a day, and the majority tend to be negative and repetitive. Unless we make those unconscious beliefs conscious, we will be controlled by them. Like Earl Nightingale said, “Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become reality” (Nightingale, 2019). Thought work can be arduous, but just like all good things, it is worth it.
Thinking Errors are patterns of thought that engender fear and other difficult emotions (Boyes, 2013). Patterns such as catastrophizing, all-or-nothing thinking, and fortune-telling are a few of the ways in which our thoughts do us a disservice. When fearful thoughts about others arise ask yourself, “what real evidence is there that this thought is true?”, “Is there a more helpful way to think about this?”, “What’s the likelihood that this will happen?” Remember: don’t believe everything you think. I’m not suggesting that we don’t trust ourselves. Quite the opposite. Our gut knows more than our mind at times. Rather, observe if your thinking is accurate or exaggerated. The more honest you are, the more you can trust yourself. The way we show up for others is deeply based on our thinking. If we fear them, we will show up defensive, worried and insecure. If we choose hope and value the process of connection, we will show up in a way that is honest, vulnerable, and joyful (Moore, 2018).
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So, how can we stop fearing connection? Practice. Take small steps of vulnerability with those who matter to you. Trust is built up of many small and proactive efforts. Start viewing connection in a realistic way. Be the watcher of your thoughts (Tolle, 1997). Notice your errors in thinking, and switch to more helpful ideas. Yes, there will be discomfort and conflict in relationships. It may hurt, and things may even end. But that’s no reason not to try. Let go. Be brave. And recognize that most people have similar fears, but want to love and connect as well. Uncertainty is uncomfortable, but we can handle discomfort. Especially when such risks can lead us to deep and meaningful connections.
Practice mindfulness around your relationship thoughts this week. Study the thinking errors, and pick the one you’d like to work on. As fear arises in the mind walk yourself through your thoughts and feelings by asking yourself the questions in the “be brave” section above. Repeat this de-escalation process until it’s a habit.
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), sometimes called seasonal depression impacts an estimated 10 million people every year (Mayo Clinic, 2017). Characterized by symptoms of increased lethargy, fatigue, depression, hopelessness, increased moodiness, changes in weight and appetite, increased sleep, and decreased motivation, SAD usually begins in the fall and ends at the end of winter when days get longer and temperatures rise. Risk factors include family history of mental illness, and having bipolar disorder, especially bipolar II. Women are 4x more likely to have SAD than men (Mayo Clinic, 2017). Having said this, SAD can impact people during the summer, but is less common. We’ll save that conversation for warmer weather and focus on winter SAD for now.
Winter can be hard for everyone, not just those with SAD. If you don’t have SAD but you find yourself lonely, sad, lethargic, or grieving during the winter months, these tips for coping can help you too.
Light Therapy
Bright light has been proven to be effective in reducing symptoms of seasonal affective disorder, particularly when used two hours daily during the winter season. (Terman, et al., 1989). Light therapy helps regulate the body’s circadian phases by helping to regulate the body’s mood affecting chemicals and hormones (Youngstedt, et al., 2016). You can get light therapy lights on Amazon if you’re interested in giving it a shot.
Exercise
This is pretty obvious. Exercise increases endorphins and serotonin levels, helping to combat depressive symptoms (Leppämäki, et al., 2002). Increasing the heart rate is a great way to fight off feelings of hopelessness and lethargy and other symptoms of depression (Blumenthal et. al., 2012). Sometimes it can be hard to find the motivation, but don’t give up. Push yourself.
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Talk Therapy
As with any mood disorder, talk therapy can be effective in processing through depressive symptoms and feelings of hopelessness or lack of motivation. So if you’re feeling a “winter funk”, consider that maybe it really is a big deal. Seeking support and help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s just taking care of yourself.
Vitamin D
Vitamin D is another way to help stabilize mood. SAD and low vitamin D levels are connected (Whiteman, 2014). Get as much sunlight as you can despite the cold, darker days, and increase food like fish, egg yolks, fortified dairy products and mushrooms. Consult a physician to take vitamin D supplements.
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Social interactions
Even though having SAD makes it easier to isolate and comes with a lack of motivation, getting out and spending time with friends and family is an important way to cope and keep that depressed mood at bay. When my husband lived in Alaska, he met a mayor of a small town who held a weekly dinner at his home and would make personal visits to the citizens of the town to help them feel valued and combat depression and loneliness. Citizens of the town talked about how much they appreciated having these weekly dinners, particularly during the winter.
When it comes down to it, depression, anxiety, bipolar, and SAD are serious mood disorders which are commonly comorbid (occurring simultaneously), so be sure to take care of yourself and your loved ones. We all need love and care.
1. Take time for self care.
2. Check on a loved one who may be struggling with any emotion or mental health challenge, not just SAD.
References
Blumenthal, J. A., Smith, P. J., & Hoffman, B. M. (2012). Is Exercise a Viable Treatment for Depression? ACSMs HealthFit. https://doi/10.1249/01.FIT.0000416000.09526.eb
Leppämäki, S., Partonen, T., & Lönnqvist, J. (2002). Bright-light exposure combined with physical exercise elevates mood. Journal of Affective Disorders, 72(2), 139–144. https://doi/10.1016/s0165-0327(01)00417-7
Terman, M., Terman, J. S., Quitkin, F. M., McGrath, P. J., Stewart, J. W., & Rafferty, B. (1989). Light therapy for Seasonal Affective Disorder. Neuropsychopharmacology, 2(1), 1–22. https://doi/10.1016/0893-133x(89)90002-x
Whiteman, H. (2014). Researchers link vitamin D deficiency to seasonal affective disorder. Medical News Today. Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/286496.php#1
Youngstedt, S. D., Kline, C. E., Elliot, J. A., Zielinski, M. R., Devlin, T. M., & Moore, T. A. (2016). Circadian Phase-Shifting Effects of Bright Light, Exercise, and Bright Light Exercise. Journal of Circadian Rhythms, 14(1). https://doi/10.5334/jcr.137
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
“Change isn’t painful. Only the resistance to change is painful.” -Buddha
A popular saying today is “people don’t change.” I’ve heard this idea come up in many conversations with friends and family. Usually, when discussing the behaviors we notice in our relationships, we make generalizations about our loved ones. However, a more accurate assumption is “people don’t change for you.” Below is an analysis of the reality that change is inevitable, yet unpredictable.
How we measure change is flawed
Change is uncomfortable. Humankind generally avoids the uncertain, because it feels unsafe. Because of this, we try to define others in black and white terms. We say things like my spouse is insensitive or I’m just not a patient person or my children are ungrateful, etc. Though the emotions behind such phrases are entirely valid, the statements themselves aren’t necessarily true. Early on we learn to make judgments and give meaning to our circumstances. Up vs. down. Yummy vs. yucky, etc. This antithetical way of thinking can help in the way we interact with the objective, physical world. However, many problems can occur when using the same methods to understand human behavior.
The problem with a fixed mindset regarding behavior is that it classifies people using false dichotomies. That they are either one way or the other. Not only is that limiting, but it’s also unrealistic. We take a similar approach when we measure change. We often put behaviors on a linear path to try and make sense of them. But, more often than not, people defy this path, making data incongruent. Think of addiction recovery, for example. Is the path from addiction to abstinence a straight line for everyone? Of course not. According to Prochaska, such approaches do not accurately represent how people change, and “it leads us to expect that people change quickly.” (1991). Imagine a spiral or a bunch of scribbles in place of a line, and you’ll have a better representation of the change process. Human behavior is too complex to measure objectively.
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We can’t change people
Have you ever entered a relationship hoping or expecting the other person to change? Not only is this unlikely, but it causes unnecessary suffering. I’m sure most of us have gotten caught in the trap of they should change because they love me or because they promised me or because it’s the right thing to do, etc. That mindset is taking their change process and making it about you. Unconsciously, we’ve all tried to change others. When we perceive people’s opinions or actions as harmful to us, we often resort to unhealthy forms of persuasion. Have you ever found yourself thinking we keep having this conversation and nothing changes? Consider if any of the following sounds familiar.
I’ve asked them to (fill in the blank), and they don’t even try.
I’ve asked them to (fill in the blank) and they do it! It only lasts for a short period before they’re back to the same pattern.
I’ve told them to (fill in the blank). Months/years later they do said thing, and believe they came up with it entirely on their own.
The truth is people don’t transform for anyone other than themselves. You might think that’s not true, I’ve changed for loved ones. Don’t I deserve the same courtesy? Though we might think we adjust for others, consider the idea that you initially did it for your own benefit. Something inside you agreed with the request of someone else. You decided it was worth it, or important for the person and you. No one can force a behavior. We all make our own choices in the end. Trying to change people against their will is insanity. We might believe people don’t change because we’ve been unsuccessful at changing them, or vice versa. But, change is an individual experience. Lasting change comes from within us, not from outside people or sources. (Tolle, 1997).
Photo by Linus Nylund on Unsplash
Change happens, but not how we think
Most of the thoughts that drive our behavior aren’t fully conscious. Our brain uses the easiest and most familiar pathways when making decisions. Change requires new pathways in the brain. This is why change feels difficult, and often takes longer than we’d like. “People do not change chronic behaviors quickly.” (Proschaska, 1991).Think back to who you were 5 years ago, 10 years ago. What is the difference? At our core, we feel the same. Yet, notice how you’ve changed your mind in that time. Maybe your spiritual or political beliefs have changed. Perhaps you deal with stress differently. As you ponder how you’ve changed, notice that you’ve changed in ways you didn’t anticipate or plan.
It’s the same with our loved ones. They do change, but in their time and way. Not as we expect. Truthfully, people are constantly changing. Conscious, or not, we are evolving every day. The reason we believe people don’t change is because they do so on their terms. We may change our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors over a long period of time. We can also change our mind overnight. Those close to us can and will change in ways we don’t relate to, or want. This can be frustrating, but remember “If we all thought the same then we wouldn’t need each other.”(Gordon, 2019).
Be better, not bitter
What about when change feels negative? Sometimes we perceive other’s evolution for the worse. Some changes can be life-altering like illness, abuse, death, trauma, divorce, and addiction. When change hurts, grieve it. Allow yourself to feel fully, and take steps toward healing. This could be through methods like meditation, therapy, exercise, eating well, spirituality and connecting/relying on loved ones. Then, when you’re ready, consider do I want to be better or bitter as a result of this?
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My sister expressed that early on in her marriage she felt worried about some changes in the way her husband viewed certain things. She told him, “I chose you because I thought you were safe.” They both worked through this by seeking to understand each other, and she came to realize that she was trying to make uncertain things certain. She was keeping him in a box because that felt like less of a risk. In letting go she now views their differing opinions as a good, helpful thing. Some people have thoughts like he/she’s not the person I married or I don’t know them anymore. Well, of course they’re not. Who you know now will be different later on. “An identity, a sense of permanency – is a recipe for frustration and suffering.” (Tolle, 1997). Allow yourself and others to change in the ways they choose. It is freeing for them and you.
In conclusion, let go. Release the need for permanency and allow life and others to shift. People surprise us. Embrace a mindset of faith in the unknown and the beauty of evolution. Don’t expect people to change, but be open to the notion that they likely will in arbitrary ways. Practice the perspective given by Donte Collins: “A lover doesn’t discourage your growth. A lover says, ‘I see who you are today, I cannot wait to see who you become tomorrow.’”
Practice observing people’s behavior without making a judgment. Express joy and gratitude for your loved ones when they make changes, even when it feels uncomfortable.
References
Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
Having personal boundaries is key to ensuring relationships of any type are supportive, uplifting, and respectful. Boundaries help us maintain our own needs and help us stay in-tune with ourselves. We all need boundaries – they truly pave the way for us to be at peace and maintain healthy relationships.
What even are boundaries?
First thing’s first: A boundary is not a boundary if it is hurtful. Implementing boundaries can be awkward or uncomfortable at the beginning, but fundamentally, boundaries exist to help both the person setting the boundary and the person who is “receiving” the boundary.
Boundaries are usually physical and/or emotional limits that you don’t want others to cross. They typically help you recognize the amount of time, money, or energy you can afford to give to others. Essentially, boundaries can be anything you want them to be. I know, I know, that’s not very specific, but they vary by circumstance and are set to make you feel safe. “Generally, this sense of safety evolves from having an appropriate balance of closeness or distance in the relationship and also the extent to which people involved in the relationship have dual roles (e.g., therapist and friend)” (Lord, Summers, & Turnbull, 2004). Boundaries can exist in any type of relationship – a roommate, a parent/child, romantic partners, siblings, friends, coworkers, professional/client, and more!
When I was in college, I had a roommate with very severe anxiety and depression. They attempted suicide multiple times while we were living together – and we were the only two individuals in our apartment. I got to the point where I had severe anxiety going/being home because I was so worried about my roommate. I was one of only a couple of people that they socialized with, so I felt very responsible for their well-being and assisting in their mental health. With the guidance from a mentor, I set the boundary with my roommate that if they needed to talk about deep-specifics, they would have to turn to another individual. If they were feeling suicidal, I would immediately call the on-campus emergency hotline. I also encouraged them to find a therapist better able to meet their needs. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to love and support them, because I did, but to maintain our friendship and help both of our emotional states, I had to vocalize that boundary and why I needed it.
Graphic by @the.holistic.psychologist
How do I actually set a boundary?
“Establishing appropriate boundaries is a skill that requires a lot of thought and practice” (Cosio, 2014).
Here are some steps to get you started:
Be direct. Clear communication is the key to setting boundaries. As I mentioned before, it can be a little awkward to tell someone that you need space or they can’t borrow any more money from you. I would encourage you to write out your reasoning in order to best be able to explain what boundary you are setting and why.
Be assertive. Almost as difficult as setting a boundary is following through on a boundary that you’ve set. It can be easy to justify why you should make an exception “just this once” or that “this’ll be the last time,” but being flaky about your needs will leave you worse off than where you started.
Have support. If the boundary that you are setting has the potential to benefit more than you and the individual you’re making a boundary with, discuss it with them beforehand. The more ideas and ways to approach a situation you have, the better. Be sure that you have someone to turn to throughout all parts of the boundary-setting process.
Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash
Internal Boundaries
Healthy internal boundaries help you to not feel responsible for the actions and feelings of others. This is not to say that we shouldn’t be aware of those around us, rather, we should have the strength to make sure we aren’t absorbing or obsessing over other people’s problems. This can be really difficult! But setting internal boundaries can help you feel empowered to set external boundaries as well.
Note: It’s easy to feel guilt or shame when setting any kind of boundaries, but sometimes I find it harder to disappoint myself than others. This guilt should be faced head-on. Usually, it means that your boundary-setting is on the right track.
In this digital age, we are always connected. You can access your work email on vacation. Your husband can text you when you’re with a friend. These days, it’s hard to devote our time, energy, and resources to just one thing. But “creating healthy boundaries helps maintain work-life balance, promote resilience, and develop stronger coping strategies” (Holowaychuk 2018). It takes time and practice, but it is an important life skill to have.
Write a personal mission statement. What are you dedicated to? Even if you don’t feel like you have any boundaries to set, this can help you to evaluate whether or not worrying about others’ emotions and problems is holding you back from what you expect from your life.
References
Cook, J. L., Jones, R. M., & Vaterlaus, J. M. (2017). Drawing the line: An exploratory study of single college student perceptions of marital boundaries in opposite sex relationships. Marriage & Family Review, 53(2), 151–165. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/01494929.2016.1186771
McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
One day last fall, I was hanging out with a friend all day. We were driving around running errands and by the end of the day we were at HIS house in Salt Lake City but with MY car. HIS car was 40 minutes south at MY house in Provo. The plan was to drive back to my house together and he would drive his car home from there.
Forty minutes later we pulled into my driveway and he suddenly realized that he had left his car keys at his house—forty minutes north, where we had just come from.
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“Dang it!” he said, as his head dropped back against the headrest. He was silent for a moment then said, “Just give me 10 seconds.” During those 10 seconds, he groaned and expressed anger and frustration—the most frustrated I had ever seen him. Then with an exhale he said, “Okay, let’s head back up.”
We turned up the music, took a detour to pick up desserts and sodas, and made the most of our trip back to Salt Lake City. And then, back down to Provo.
What was supposed to take 40 minutes took close to two hours, but we made the most of it. That night ended up being one of my favorite memories with him.
This friend of mine had been through some really hard things in his life and, as a result, had learned how to keep things in perspective. That included recognizing what things didn’t really matter in the long run, and knowing how to process them and move forward quickly. I’ve thought a lot since then about how to develop such skills, and here is what I’ve come up with:
Give a Fudge About Less
Go From “Reacting” to “Responding”
Account for the People Factor
Give a Fudge About Less
“The key to a good life is not giving a [fudge]* about more; it’s giving a [fudge] about less, giving a [fudge] about only what is true and immediate and important.” – Mark Manson, p. 5
*Sorry, Mark Manson— I edited your quote for this family-friendly audience.
I have to remind myself almost daily that most things really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Those car keys from the story earlier? Yes, it was frustrating, and it was perfectly healthy to get out that initial frustration. However, having to drive back home for a forgotten item really didn’t matter.
Photo by Syed Hussaini on Unsplash
Think about your week so far. Can you think of a moment when you reacted poorly to a stressful situation? Notice your shoulders right now—are they high up by your ears, or rolled back and relaxed? Some stress is very understandable and valid, but I would guess that even the heaviest stressors aren’t worth holding onto like we (or I) often do.
We can approach stressful situations in a healthier way by moving from an impulsive reaction to a mindful response.
Go From “Reacting” to “Responding”
“It is normal to react and respond to our environment,” says Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More. “Reacting is part of life. It’s part of interacting, and it’s part of being alive and human. But we allow ourselves to get so upset, and so distracted. Little things, big things—anything—have the power to throw us off the track. And the way we respond after we react is frequently not in our best interests.”
This is where I’d pause and suggest that “reacting” and “responding” are two different things. I view “reacting” as that initial charge of emotions that Beattie is describing—becoming upset and distracted, focusing solely on that frustration. I view “responding” as what Beattie gets to in Step 4 below: handling the situation from a peaceful state of mind.
Beattie continues to share the internal chaos that can result—and become the norm—when we live in a constant state of “reacting”: “When we react we forfeit our personal, God-given power to think, feel, and behave in our best interests. We allow others to determine when we will be happy; when we will be peaceful; when we will be upset; and what we will say, do, think, and feel. We forfeit our right to feel peaceful at the whim of our environments. We are like a wisp of paper in a thunderstorm, blown about by every wind” (p. 66).
Photo from pexels.com
Beattie’s recommendations?
Learn to recognize when you’re reacting to a stressor.
Calm down.
Analyze what really happened.
Decide how to best handle the situation from this more peaceful state.
Handling the situation in a healthy, peaceful manner may mean letting things go that don’t really matter, apologizing, offering forgiveness, or remedying the situation in another way. In the car key situation, it meant processing and letting go of frustration, then making the best of the change of plans.
(Beattie expounds on these recommendations on pages 70-72 of her book Codependent No More).
How many things feel so heavy but don’t really need to? How many things will really matter 10 years from now? Using these steps to process situations will help you move from reacting to responding, and help you develop a more realistic perspective of the situations you encounter.
Account for the People Factor
Car keys are one thing, but oftentimes situations involving people we love can be much more tricky—and frustrating and painful—to get over. It’s not just feeling strong feelings about car keys—it’s feeling strong feelings about someone we care about.
The solution is in the problem: If we care about someone, we can choose to treat them in that way. This includes giving them the benefit of the doubt, forgiving more freely, and serving without thought of return. It still may not be easy, but it is a perspective worth applying. Remembering the care we feel toward someone not only heals that relationship, but develops the quality and character of our hearts.
Photo from pexels.com
Dr. C. Terry Warner, co-founder of the Arbinger Institute, expounds on this principle: “By seeing others suspiciously, accusingly, or fearfully, we become suspicious, accusing, or fearful ourselves. By no longer seeing them with care, delight, and generosity, we ourselves cease to be caring, delighted, and generous. The kind of people we are cannot be separated from how we interpret the world around us…. Who we are is how we are in relation to others” (p. 41).
While many conflicts occur with the people we care about the most, we also experience conflicts with people who we may really not care about at all. In that case, I’d note that we each are still responsible for how we act and feel toward others. As Warner said, “By no longer seeing [ANYONE] with care, delight, and generosity, we ourselves cease to be caring, delighted, and generous.” It isn’t easy to feel that level of care toward everyone, but it is definitely a worthy goal to work toward.
While you’re in the middle of processing whatever situation you are in the middle of, just don’t forget the most important factor: people.Conclusion
It can be incredibly difficult to keep a realistic perspective in the middle of a stressful situation—to change from reacting to mindfully responding to a situation, and to put less energy toward things that really don’t matter. It’s a habit that I’m continually working on improving. So, let’s improve together.
I leave you with another of my favorite quotes, one that says it all so well:
“Some things matter, most things don’t. A few things last, but most things won’t.” – Neill F. Marriott
This week, we’re breaking a habit! Instead of “reacting” impulsively to difficult situations, practice pausing and “responding.” Print out this free download for some reminders to post around your home or workspace, or create your own reminder. (Free download photos by Gary Barnes; designed by the author).
*The Healthy Humans Project is an Amazon Associate and earns from qualifying purchases. Thank you so much for supporting our efforts to improve relationships!
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Practice mindfulness around your relationship thoughts this week. Study the thinking errors, and pick the one you’d like to work on. As fear arises in the mind walk yourself through your thoughts and feelings by asking yourself the questions in the “be brave” section above. Repeat this de-escalation process until it’s a habit. 
