Written by Kylee Marshall, Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist
Let’s reflect on the week, shall we? How many comments have you heard this week moralizing food? (“I’m so good, I just ate half of my meal.” “Ugh, I’m so bad for eating this, but it’s so good.” “Cheat day!”) How many comments have you heard this week about weight loss? How many comments have you heard about hunger/fullness (“I’m so hungry, I haven’t eaten all day.” “I ate way too much.” “I can’t believe she ate all that.”) If you’re like me, I often found myself surrounded by comments about body and food that I didn’t like, and at times even participating myself. What if I told you it didn’t have to be this way? What if I told you that research actually promotes a different, more peaceful way of relating to yourself and your food choices? In this article I’m going to share a few principles that will help you find more food and body freedom.
Your Body Isn’t the Problem.
So often people that have a rocky relationship with food and body work tirelessly to fix this by changing their bodies. People spend precious time, money, and mental/physical energy into shrinking, toning, morphing, shaping, etc. their bodies into something else. This makes sense; most people do this because they want to fit in and feel like they belong. Adjusting their body seems like it would be a way to get to this goal. However, not only is this not a very helpful goal in terms of getting to a place of peace with food and body, but changing one’s body doesn’t need to be the goal at all. This might sound too good to be true, but what if your body isn’t the problem? What if the way you THINK about your body is the problem? Stick with me here.
Many people hope that if they lose weight, their negative body image will be lost with it. However, studies on weight loss and mental health have concluded that calorie restriction can lead to unplanned side-effects that are damaging to mental health, such as mood swings, increase in preoccupation with food and hunger, anxiety, social isolation, and emotional deadening (Dirks & Leeuwenburgh, 2006; Stice, Burger, & Yokum, 2013). Even those who participated in plastic surgery as an unrealistic method of feeling better about themselves often fared worse in the long run (Honigman, Phillips, & Castle, 2004).
Instead of focusing on changing our bodies, it might be more important for us to work on our mental health. Eating disorders are highly correlated with mental health disorders. In fact, some studies show that as many as 97% of individuals with severe eating disorders have one or more co-occurring mental health conditions and around 66% of people with anorexia showed signs of anxiety several years before the start of their eating disorder (Tagay et al., 2014). Spending time with some of the mental health difficulties, emotional pain, and cognitive distortions that have contributed to the development of eating disorders and disordered eating patterns will be significantly more helpful for overall well-being than simply changing our bodies.
I would argue that losing weight or changing our bodies is our way of attempting to fix deeper issues such as a desire to fit in, be accepted and loved, and to feel good enough. However, I would suggest that we need less fixing and more healing. We don’t need to fix ourselves or our bodies, we need to heal our relationship with ourselves and our bodies. This is not always a quick fix, but the results and peace are much more long-lasting.
Have you watched a toddler eat? It is so fun to watch littles be presented with many options and move through them eating what tastes good at the time. They typically finish eating when full and do not know principles of restriction, so simply eat what their body is asking for. We are all born intuitive eaters! As we age, we disconnect more and more from our bodies as we learn what we “should” and “shouldn’t” take into our bodies, what food is “good” or “bad” and learn rules about when to eat, how much to eat, etc. In my field as an eating disorder therapist, I see so many people who are looking to outside sources for how to control their bodies better. However, I would make a radical suggestion that our bodies are wise and we can trust them. It is the factors in society that have disconnected us from our bodies that we need to combat! From toddlerhood to old age, our bodies have built in systems to help us feel our hunger and fullness, ask for nutritious food that we need, and move in ways that feel beneficial and energizing.
Becoming the expert on your own body means taking time to get to know and understand it. Dieting is unhelpful in this process because it moves you away from connection and towards an arbitrary set of rules. Research has found that 95% of dieters will regain their lost weight within five years (Grodstein et al., 1996; Neumark-Sztainer, Haines, Wall, & Eisenberg, 2007). There are many potential reasons as to why this is. One might be that our body fights hard to keep us safe and healthy, meaning that it is hard to ignore and pacify our body’s natural signals for more than a short period of time.
Instead of viewing your body as something to control and fix, try approaching your body and its signals with curiosity. My husband and I just had a conversation as I was writing this article about our day old Chip cookies on that counter. We talked about how sometimes we would walk by and eat a piece of cookie even though they were stale and hard just because they were there. This is a conditioned response to want cookies because they’re a “yummy treat” even though in that moment they were not so tasty. We can use this experience as information when making food-related decisions moving forward. I’ve also been on the opposite side of the spectrum, wanting to eat cookies but being governed by the idea that cookies are “bad,” and then getting very psychologically wrapped up in the cookie! Instead, if my body is asking for a cookie, perhaps I eat the cookie and move on. If my body is not asking for the stale, hard cookie on the counter, I can practice mindfulness and tap into my body’s signals and leave the cookie in its box. It’s not about food rules or dieting here, it’s about listening to my body and trusting what it is saying.
As you begin the journey of listening to your body, try adopting the mindset of “all foods fit.” All foods can be enjoyed when our bodies ask for them! Food is neutral and has no moral value and so we don’t need to avoid it unless it is actually harmful for our bodies because of disease or allergy. If we purposefully cut out or restrict certain types of food, our bodies and minds go into deprivation mode and the scarcity mentality kicks in, leaving us wanting those foods even more! This is why dieters are 12 times more likely to binge than non-dieters (Neumark-Sztainer, 2005). When we allow all foods to be a part of our daily eating patterns we are able to better tap into our body’s signals, free of shame. In fact, being more intuitive and allowing all foods to fit actually has been linked to less disordered eating, better body image, and greater emotional functioning (Bruce & Ricciardelli, 2016). What does it look like for all foods to fit for you? What foods do you have rules around? How can you listen to your body as you allow them to more fully “fit” into your lifestyle?
Woah, this is a lot of information! You might feel like you’re unsure how to apply some of these ideas. Start now by becoming the expert on your own body/food through one of the following:
If your eating patterns are disordered or you recognize eating disorder symptoms in your own life, seek some outside professional help. These issues are really painful and often difficult (and potentially dangerous) to manage on your own. You are not alone. Find a therapist trained in eating disorders and reach out for one-on-one assistance A helpful website to find those who are best suited to help with your specific case is PsychologyToday.com. Feel free to reach out to me directly as well and I’ll do my best to get you connected to the resources you need.
Allow all food to fit this week. Listen to your body. Does a burger sound good? Let’s do it. Are you feeling salad for lunch? Fabulous. Does pasta sound like it’ll really hit the spot? Let it hit the spot. Notice what your body asks for and honor it! Take note of how your body responds and what it asks for as your own personal research for becoming more in-tune with your body and its signals. Begin breaking away from the scarcity mentality. Let your body be the guide. Eat like a toddler this week.
Read Intuitive Eating by Elyse Resch and Evelyn Tribole or More Than a Body by Lexie Kite and Lindsay Kite
Pay attention to your thought patterns. Recognize and question your unhelpful thoughts about food and your body. Where did those thoughts come from? Are they true? Do they fit with your value system? Do they help promote your becoming the expert on your own body? Be mindful and remember that your thoughts are not always true!
Open up with someone you love about struggles you may have in these areas. See if you can work together to better your relationships with food and body.
Unfollow accounts on social media who do not promote healthy relationships with food and body; follow accounts who do. Here are some suggestions:
@diet.culture.rebel
@no.food.rules
@evelyntribole
@chr1styharrison
@balancehealthandhealing
@beauty_redefined
Choose one of the above applications to begin becoming an expert on your own body and developing a healthier relationship with food!
References
Tribole, E., & Resch, E. (2012). Intuitive eating. New York: St. Martin’s Griffin.
Kite, L., & Kite, L. (2021). More than a body: Your body is an instrument, not an ornament.
Tagay, S., Schlottbohm, E., Reyes-Rodriguez, M. L., Repic, N., & Senf, W. (2014). Eating disorders, trauma, PTSD, and psychosocial resources. Eating disorders, 22(1), 33-49.
Neumark-Sztainer, D. (2005). I’m, Like, SO Fat!.New York: Guilford.
Dirks AJ, Leeuwenburgh C. Caloric restriction in humans: potential pitfalls and health concerns. Mechanisms of ageing and development. 2006 Jan 1;127(1):1-7.
Stice, E., Burger, K., & Yokum, S. (2013). Caloric deprivation increases responsivity of attention and reward brain regions to intake, anticipated intake, and images of palatable foods. Neuroimage, 67, 322-330.
Honigman, Roberta J. B.Comm., B.Soc.Work., A.A.S.W.; Phillips, Katharine A. M.D.; Castle, David J. M.Sc., M.D., M.R.C.Psych., F.R.A.N..C.P.
Grodstein, F., Levine, R., Spencer, T., Colditz, G. A., &Stampfer, M. J. (1996). Three-year follow-up of participants in a commercial weight loss program: Can you keep it off? Archives of Internal Medicine 156(12), 1302.
Neumark-Sztainer D., Haines, J., Wall, M., & Eisenberg, M. ( 2007). Why does dieting predict weight gain in adolescents? Findings from project EAT-II: a 5-year longitudinal study. Journal of the American Dietetic Association, 107(3), 448-55
Kylee Marshall is a licensed associate marriage and family therapist at Balance Health and Healing in Lindon, UT where she primarily sees clients who struggle with eating disorders, body image issues, anxiety, relationships issues, and depression. She is also an adjunct faculty instructor at Brigham Young University in the School of Family Life. She was married last week and is enjoying life with her husband and mini-golden doodle pup, Frodo. She is passionate about floral and home design, ice cream, hand-lettering, lifting weights, social justice, acai bowls, and promotes healthy relationships with others, yourself, food, and body. She could also probably make you the world’s best chocolate chip cookie.
In 2002, Robin Arzon was in a bar when a gunman entered. He took Arzon as his main hostage, using her as a human shield between himself and the NYPD outside. While everyone made it out of the ordeal physically safe, Arzon began running to deal with the emotional trauma she was experiencing. “It was in the run that I found my strength again,” Arzon stated in a 2018 interview on the Rachael Ray Show.
Arzon is now an author and the Vice President of Fitness Programming and an Instructor at Peloton. She has dedicated her life to not only fitness, but cultivating excellence in all she does and helping others do the same. Arzon took one of the most traumatizing moments of her life and allowed it to shape her for the better.
By utilizing self-awareness and healthy coping mechanisms, Arzon began developing resilience.
The American Psychological Association defines resilience as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or even significant sources of stress.” Various studies have identified different attributes and characteristics of resilient individuals, including:
Another study shows that resilience comes from “developing attributes such as vigor, optimism, and physical robustness,” “improving socialization practices,” and “building self-efficacy and self-esteem through interpersonal relationships and experiences” (Resnick, 2011, as cited in Lohr, 2018).
You can even narrow it down to the well-known sentiment, “turning lemons into lemonade.”
If this past year hasn’t been traumatic for you, it has at least been unexpected. You may be looking forward to 2021 with hope, dread, or a mix of the two. We may not be able to anticipate everything that the next year will hold, but each of us has the opportunity to look back with self-awareness, develop healthy coping mechanisms, practice self-care, and move into 2021 with greater resilience.
In January 2020, I moved alone to a new town knowing no one. Even before the COVID-19 pandemic, most of my work was done virtually. I was alone most of the time, and quickly fell into a deep depression. It took weeks of tears, loneliness, grief, and trying various coping mechanisms to finally begin feeling better. I wrote about this season of my life in my book, Not According to Plan. You can read that full chapter for free on my website.
Every attempt to get back up helped me become a little more resilient. When the pandemic hit a few weeks later I found myself again alone–but this time I was more prepared. I still experienced low points, but I was able to adapt more quickly. Through experience and self-awareness, I knew how to get back up.
Through my experience this year, I’ve further developed the following resilient attributes: rebounding, self-determination, flexibility, optimism, faith, adaptive coping, and more. These attributes will surely help me as I experience other difficult situations in the future.
There is no one right way to begin feeling better. Different things work for different people, and different things have worked for me at different times. However, by actively practicing self-awareness and different coping mechanisms, individuals can develop resilience–and that resilience will make a positive impact, no matter what the new year brings.
Ackerman, C. E. (2020, November 17). Coping Mechanisms: Dealing with Life’s Disappointments in a Healthy Way. Positive Psychology. https://positivepsychology.com/coping/
Lohr, K. D. (2018). Tapping Autobiographical Narratives to Illuminate Resilience: A Transformative Learning Tool for Adult Educators. Educational Gerontology, 44(2–3), 163–170.
Ray, R. [Rachael Ray Show]. (2018, January 19). She Started Running After Being Held at Gunpoint — Now Instagram-Famous Trainer Inspires Thousand… [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjWCEV49OAg
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Has your partner ever done something that reminded you of a bad experience from a past relationship?
I can probably guess the rest of the story. You felt your nervous system kick in. You put your walls back up. Your partner got confused. You didn’t know how to talk about it. You both went to bed upset.
I know this story too.
We all have emotional baggage, whether it’s from our parents or romantic relationships. Negative experiences in past relationships can really mess us up.
Relationship researchers have a consensus that most people with negative past relationship experiences fear that they will never feel close enough to their new partner while simultaneously fearing getting too close in the same relationship.
How interesting is it that what we desire most (emotional closeness) we also fear the most?
This fear comes from those negative relationship experiences. In my interpretation, the fear of vulnerability is born of a broken heart.
We create core issues from negative relationship experiences. Core issues can be fears, insecurities, unhealthy expectations, assumptions, trauma, unmet needs, or betrayed values.
At the beginning of my relationship with my husband, we argued almost every day thanks to my fragile ego and his limited experience with healthy love. It took time for us to work through our core issues which, surprise surprise, had nothing to do with each other and everything to do with our own emotional baggage. All of our arguments were rooted in the fact that I had a laundry list of insecurities shaped by my past and my husband kept getting triggered by his relationship trauma.
So if you’re feeling fragile, you’re not alone. Let’s talk about what we can do with that heavy baggage you’re carrying.
5 Tips to Not Let Past Relationships Affect New Ones
Realistically, unresolved wounds from past relationships just take time to heal. We can’t make them disappear at the snap of our fingers, but here’s how we can get started:
1. Acknowledge your contribution to failed relationships
Be curious about the past. There are two sides to every story. Recognize your past toxic behaviors.
What behaviors of yours seem to be a pattern in your relationships?
What things did you do in your past relationships that you don’t want to repeat?
Become an observer. Objectively, was your partner’s behavior mean-spirited?
What behavior or comment specifically started up your nervous system?
How can you process this trigger in a healthier way?
3. Get to your core issues
Reflect on your trigger. Was it shaped from a past relationship?
Reflect on your pain. Why did it hurt so much?
Reflect on your resentment. Which of your values did their/your behavior go against?
Reflect on your fear. What are you really afraid of?
Therapy is an awesome tool for this. Therapists can teach you the right questions to ask yourself and guide you down a path of self-awareness and self-reflection.
4. Learn what a healthy relationship can look like
We consciously and subconsciously allow our past relationships to shape our expectations for new ones. We start accepting unhealthy behaviors or we start expecting perfection from ourselves and our partner. We can combat this by:
Regularly seeking out relationship education opportunities
Research shows that couples who learn healthy relationship expectations and skills are less likely to divorce and have higher marital satisfaction
Regularly challenge your expectations. Are they healthy? Are they realistic?
Ask yourself, “What kind of love do my partner and I deserve?”
Very important! Your partner should not be your replacement for a therapist. If you feel like you’re putting that pressure on your partner, see a therapist!
These tips can change the trajectory of your relationship. Here’s how:
A conversation without using one of the 5 tips
Your partner walks in the room and becomes “overly loving” with you, in your definition. They’re complimenting you, hugging and kissing you. Your first thought is, “What are they keeping from me?”. You suddenly feel sad, hurt, and even angry. You push your partner away and roll your eyes.
They ask you what’s wrong. You don’t know what to say, you just feel overwhelmed. Instead you say “Is there something you want to tell me?”. They say, “No, why?”. You don’t believe them, and it’s downhill from there.
But here’s how it would go using tips 2 and 4:
Your partner walks in the room and tells you that you look amazing. They give you a hug and kiss. You think, “I feel like they’re keeping something from me”, but you don’t react to the thought. You smile and say thanks.
They turn on the TV and you start thinking “Why did I get skeptical when my partner was being loving toward me? Have they given me a reason to mistrust them? No. Is there an experience from my past that has given me a reason to mistrust someone who shows me love? Yes, but I’m not in that relationship anymore. I’m safe. In healthy relationships, partners are loving toward each other. That was normal behavior. I’m safe.”
I know, this makes it look easy. It’s not as simple when it’s you! Healthy partners challenge their beliefs and own up to their unhealthy behaviors.
But you can do this. You know how I know? You read this far, and that means you care.
Healthy relationships aren’t perfect, they’re just committed to creating healthy love, just like you. Challenge your beliefs, own up to your unhealthy behaviors, and confront those relationship wounds head on.
This week, write in your journal when you react to a trigger. Write down what triggered you, how it made you feel, what past experience(s) may have formed this trigger, and brainstorm healthier ways you can respond next time it comes up.
References
American Psychological Association. (2004, October 8). Marital Education Programs Help Keep Couples Together. Retrieved December 15, 2020, from https://www.apa.org/research/action/marital
Camilla Rees is the founder of The Love Brain blog and podcast and a program director for the non-profit organization, the Utah Marriage Commission. After earning a degree in Marriage and Family Relationships from BYU, Camilla has committed herself to providing meaningful knowledge about healthy relationships to as many couples as she can possibly reach. Camilla lives in Utah and enjoys spending time with her husband, Sabe, baby girl, Janie, and little dog, Bowie.
In both my practice, and in my research, I have found that a woman’s negative body image is a big disrupter of sexual enjoyment and responsiveness. According to marriage researcher, John Gottman, in the Western world by the time a woman is 60 years old, she will have viewed nearly 6 million media messages that describe ideal feminine beauty. There is also a lot of research that has proven the negative impact of these idealized female images, resulting in a woman’s struggle with the relationship she has with their body. Particularly when it is associated with sexual expression.
There is empirical evidence that a woman’s overall self-esteem and confidence is tied closely to way she feels about her body. Therefore, her sexual desire, initiation attempts, and relational satisfaction is directly related to her body image. When a woman feels confident about her body, she initiates more sex, enjoys sex more fully, and is more satisfied with her relationship. Conversely, when a woman has a poor body image, she is less confident sexually, initiates sex less frequently, and overall feels less sexual and relational satisfaction. So, the question is, does a woman’ body image impact her marriage!? The answer is a resounding, “Yes!”
There are two aspects of body image and sexual satisfaction in women. First, the way she thinks of her body. Secondly, what she believes her partner thinks about her body. Personally, as a therapist, no matter how beautiful or fit she is, I have yet to meet a woman who feels totally happy about her body. And, importantly, I have yet to counsel with a couple where the husband has been dissatisfied with his wife’s body. This fact should give women a few important messages.
When he tells you that you are beautiful and that he likes your curves, he’s being honest. He wants you to feel his love and acceptance when you are together, both in and out of the bedroom. I find it fascinating that universally the one sexual experience a husband is most aroused by is the ability to please his wife. It is not your breast size, not the shape of your butt, not the length of your legs that is most arousing to him, it is giving you sexual pleasure.
This is a mantra I share with clients and students…and even use myself. The brain is the largest sex organ. If you are not being mindful or living in the moment, you will not be sexually responsive to your partner’s touch. Passion begins in the mind. A woman’s brain and body must work together when it comes to making love. So, I suggest you forget about the dishes, laundry, tomorrow’s meeting, or that article you need to finish…and bring your head to bed with you!
Learn how your body responds sexually.
Frequently a woman is not experiencing orgasm because she doesn’t understand how her body works sexually. Give yourself some private time, or if you prefer invite your husband, to touch yourself for sexual discovery. As you learn what feels good, share that knowledge with your husband. Eventually together you can both participate in fulfilling, pleasurable sexual experiences.
Stop the negative ruminations about your body. Tell yourself the truth, you are beautiful. You are designed to experience a sexual fullness of joy as you both give and receive pleasure. I believe that sharing in this deepest part of yourself allows for bonding to occur in three ways: your body and your spirit connect fully to one another, you and your partner bond together, and your marriage relationship can connect more fully with God.
In conclusion, I believe I can safely say that a woman’s desire is largely dependent on her feeling desirable. Because it takes two to create a marriage, this summation can be helpful for both women and men:
For Women: Do all that you can to like yourself more. Spend time doing things that create energy and happiness in your season of life. All of us are in different stages of the life cycle, look at your stage and practically make decisions regarding how you will invest in your health and happiness. (For example, if you are a mother with young children, it might not be the best stage of life to return to graduate school.) Write truths about yourself and your body, then use these truths to combat negative self-talk that can sabotage your progress. Strive to eat healthy, drink plenty of water, get sunshine and exercise, and do what you can in your life stage to have adequate sleep. All of these things will help your mood, generate positive energy, and add an overarching sense of self-confidence and control. The way you choose to care for yourself will directly correlate with your overall feeling of sexual satisfaction and happiness.
For Men: The sea in which your wife has been swimming since birth has clearly given her the message that she needs to be desirable. Beware that few things hurt a woman more than criticism of the way she looks. Your wife will feel more beautiful if she knows that you only have eyes for her. Let her know that she is beautiful just the way she is, give sincere compliments, show her your love in ways that matter to her. In your sphere of influence, do all that you can to change the message that a woman’s value is connected to her attractiveness. Recognize that for a woman to feel confident sharing her sexuality, both her mind and heart need to feel secure with the relationship. How you choose to care for your wife’s happiness will directly correlate with your sexual and relational satisfaction. Research shows that taking time to invest in connecting emotionally with your wife is what ensures your health and longevity. Actually, a great marriage relationship is the best form of self-interest!
Choose one way to intentionally improve your relationship with your body this week.
References
Meltzer, A. L., & McNulty, J. K. (2010). Body image and marital satisfaction: evidence for the mediating role of sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(2), 156-164. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0019063
Schnarch, D. M. (1997). Passionate marriage: Love, sex, and intimacy in emotionally committed relationships. WW Norton & Company.
Gottman, J., Gottman, J.S. (2016). The Man’s Guide to Women. Rodale.
Watson, L. J. (2018, December 20), Is body image affecting your sex life? Psychology Today.
Tammy Hill is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and sex therapist. She also teaches marriage and sexuality courses for Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life. Tammy enjoys hiking, playing pickle ball, painting, quilting and spending time with her large family. Learn more about Tammy by visiting her website at https://www.tammyhill.com/.
After almost six years of cancer treatments that were followed by stretches of remission that we were told would never come, the fact that my dad was in the hospital again wasn’t too overwhelming. He had bounced back before, and I figured that he would continue to do so far into the future. As a result, my mom’s text requesting that I come to the hospital on that calm, warm night in early June wasn’t too disturbing—until I arrived and saw all of my siblings in the parking lot. Evidently, they’d received the same message.
We made our way silently to the “end-of-life” floor, where the walls were painted a serene blue and the nurses watched solemnly as we passed. Once we had assembled as a family in the hospital room, my parents explained that the doctors had finally run out of options—giving our ever-resilient, 45-year-old dad only a few weeks to live.
Photo courtesy of the author
It was a unique experience to be able to spend my dad’s last days at home, surrounding the recliner that had been brought into my parents’ bedroom where we tried to help him be as comfortable as possible. Though the next two weeks were difficult and we didn’t know when the end would come, we stayed in that room for the better part of every day, eating popsicles, playing card games, and reflecting on every good family memory we could conjure up to distract us from concentrating on the tubes coming out of my dad’s body and his flagging strength.
Parents are influential people in a child’s life (Gross, 2016). They often provide safety, emotional and financial support, and teach important, life-lasting values to their children (Wentzel,1998). My dad was there for me and exemplified everything a good man is. He provided me with a model of what I should look for in any guy who might come into my life. He had a way of keeping each of his children safe and feeling secure, and he taught me through his example about respect, hard work, and trust.
Because of the incredible influence my father had on my life, his passing was especially painful. In fact, losing a loved one to death is considered one of the most stressful events an individual can experience (Koocher, 1986). Today, about 4% of children and adolescents lose a parent (Melhem, Porta, Shamseddeen, Payne, & Brent, 2011), and as my five siblings and I ranged from 14-21 years old at the time, we quickly became part of that statistic. The late teens and early twenties can be the most transformative years of an individual’s life, and if a parent passes during this crucial period, perception of self and support throughout life will likely significantly change (Wagner, 2016).
Many have offered suggestions for those trying to cope with the death of a parent while in their childhood and teen years (Stordahl, 2017). Although the coping techniques young people choose can vary, the bereaved typically end up defining the loss as part of their identity (Koblenz, 2016). The reality is that through many years, the grief comes and goes, and then comes again. However, adapting to life’s challenges can have a positive side and be strengthening. Each trial can be another badge on the “life is hard” achievement sash, another aspect of one’s identity.
How to Cope With the Loss
I found the following three coping strategies to be especially helpful after my own father’s death and feel they may be valuable for others who are dealing with loss:
Don’t Be Afraid to Tell Someone What You Need
The temptation after experiencing a parent’s death is to huddle down inside your own world, to try to be “strong,” and to refuse help. Coping, grieving, and healing will go more smoothly if you can get what you need to make it through the process.
The people around you generally want to help but may not know how. I came to understand that I needed to tell them. Since this was the time I needed people the most, this was also the time that I needed to allow them into my life, and be honest about what I needed from them. If someone texted me asking if they could do anything, I responded. I found that often the simple things were the most helpful and bonding, like asking a friend to just sit silently in a park with me and feel the wind blow across our faces.
Don’t blame those around you if they don’t understand how to act or what to say. It may feel easy, or that you have a perfect excuse to draw the curtains and cancel all plans, but everyone’s grieving experience is different and shutting people out will just confuse those who want to help you. You can let people know that you need space while still nurturing and valuing the space that their friendship has occupied in your life until this point.
After that night when I was told that my dad was dying, I didn’t feel like talking to anyone about anything. Unfortunately, I was turning nineteen in a few days, and there were plans that would have to be cancelled so I could stay home with my family. Some of my friends didn’t even know my dad had cancer, and now I would have to tell them that things were cancelled because he was dying. These were difficult and awkward conversations to have, but once they knew, my friends didn’t have to be confused if I was a little “absent.” They knew that I valued our friendship enough to not keep them in the dark about my struggles.
Take Comfort from the Parts of Life that are Predictable
In reaction to the unpredictable event of my dad’s death, I began to crave parts of life that were predictable. The sun still rose and set every morning and night, I still needed to brush my teeth every day, and the dog still had to be fed. These routines had no special meaning tied to them, but I needed the consistency.
As a family, it was important for us to continue the routines that existed when my dad was alive. Working in the yard every Saturday morning as a family meant so much more to me because I knew my dad would’ve been right there with us if he were alive, in the same old hat and well-loved tennis shoes he always wore. He’d be asking one of us kids to help him hold up a piece of siding so he could nail it onto the shed he was building, racing against daylight to get as much done each week as he could. Keeping up with routines helped give me a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment, especially knowing my dad would be happy to see me working hard.
Now that all but my two little sisters have moved out of the house, I try to go over on a Saturday as often as I can to help my mom with the yard, attempting to keep it looking as good as he left it. It will always need work, and the continued routine helps keep the memories of wonderful bygone days fresh.
Ways That Friends Can Help
Even though I am one who has experienced parental loss, I still sometimes feel powerless when I see someone else grieving. Here are a few suggestions that may be helpful as you reach out to comfort a friend who has experienced a loss:
Use Sensitivity in Offering Help
Asking, “How are you?” does not provide quality support that the bereaved need, they’re really not going to be “fine, thanks.” Instead, ask what you can do. My neighbor was sensitive in the way she worded her offers for help. She would text me and ask, “What do I need to leave on your porch that you feel like eating today?” She wouldn’t let me say that I was fine or deny her the opportunity to support me, but she also respected my need to be alone. She sensitively recognized that leaving things on the porch for now would help me feel a measure of comfort without the stress of maintaining a social presence or answering questions. She was consistent and kind—her offers were always about me and not about her feeling “less guilty” because she had reached out. Her sincerity spoke volumes.
Sympathy typically expires before grieving does (Koblenz, 2016), meaning that people will generously help in the beginning right after the loss, but the support often soon trails off, though the grief remains. Don’t stop bringing flowers or meals after the first week. Anyone can send a little gift with their condolences right after the tragedy happens, but you can be the person that can catch your loved one or friend in a darker time further down the road—just when they need it. The loss will still hurt 5, 10, or 15 years later.
Preserve Memories Through Maintaining Rituals
A friend can be helpful for those who need to remember what life was like before the loss. True friendship for someone who is grieving means carrying on the continued existence of gatherings and outings and doing what you can to help the bereaved feel comfortable during the activity. Remember the good times of the past while not being afraid to create new memories. Support your friend by maintaining the consistency that they need to feel normal, instead of “the one whose dad died.”
As in my case, family rituals—events that are repeated and have meaning—are a powerful tool for helping to soften parental loss. Though some family traditions will need to be adjusted to meet the constraints of the present, try to keep the sentimentality of the ritual, so as to preserve that part of “normal” family life that existed before the loss of the parent. Help those you know get up and go to the annual family Thanksgiving turkey bowl, make that special ham recipe, do the birthday lunch at your favorite restaurant with your best friend, or go to the traditional Christmas Day movie.
Since that June evening where I gathered with my family in the hospital and learned that my life would never be the same, I have grieved, boarded up my emotions, embraced my emotions, and then boarded them up again at times. It still hurts, but I am now more sensitive to how important the journey of grief is and how it can bring families together. Healing takes time and there is no reason to ever feel like you need to “get over” your loss (Cincotta-Eichenfield, n.d.). Do your best to stand by others and realize that life, love, and grief are all journeys—ones that can change us for good.
This week, choose a friend or family member who may need some extra love. Think about ways you might be able to help. Do they need a babysitter so they can have a few hours to themselves? Maybe a meal? Someone to listen to and just be with them? Decide on one specific thing you can do to help them that week, and then offer that help! If they tell you no, that is okay! The point is to practice being intentional and thoughtful about the way you show up for those you love.
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Melhem, N., Porta, G., Shamseddeen, W., Payne, M. W., & Brent, D. (2011). Grief in children and adolescents bereaved by sudden parental death. Archives of General Psychiatry, 68, 911–919. https://doi.org/10.1001/archgenpsychiatry.2011.101
Wagner, D. M. (2016). Loss of a parent: A retrospective phenomenological exploration of lived experience (Order No. 10125515). ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global. (1796375581).
Haddie Todd Fry has lived in Washington, Colorado, and is currently living in Provo, Utah. Haddie is working on a degree in Family Life and Human Development. She works at a residential treatment center for autistic adolescents and enjoys learning about human relationships and behavior. Haddie is one of six children, and has been married to her husband Jacob for one year. Besides Jacob, her loves include her family, flowers, art, movies, sunshine, and rain.
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Kylee Marshall is a licensed associate marriage and family therapist at Balance Health and Healing in Lindon, UT where she primarily sees clients who struggle with eating disorders, body image issues, anxiety, relationships issues, and depression. She is also an adjunct faculty instructor at Brigham Young University in the School of Family Life. She was married last week and is enjoying life with her husband and mini-golden doodle pup, Frodo. She is passionate about floral and home design, ice cream, hand-lettering, lifting weights, social justice, acai bowls, and promotes healthy relationships with others, yourself, food, and body. She could also probably make you the world’s best chocolate chip cookie. 
Camilla Rees is the founder of The Love Brain blog and podcast and a program director for the non-profit organization, the Utah Marriage Commission. After earning a degree in Marriage and Family Relationships from BYU, Camilla has committed herself to providing meaningful knowledge about healthy relationships to as many couples as she can possibly reach. Camilla lives in Utah and enjoys spending time with her husband, Sabe, baby girl, Janie, and little dog, Bowie.
Tammy Hill is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and sex therapist. She also teaches marriage and sexuality courses for Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life. Tammy enjoys hiking, playing pickle ball, painting, quilting and spending time with her large family. Learn more about Tammy by visiting her website at 
Haddie Todd Fry has lived in Washington, Colorado, and is currently living in Provo, Utah. Haddie is working on a degree in Family Life and Human Development. She works at a residential treatment center for autistic adolescents and enjoys learning about human relationships and behavior. Haddie is one of six children, and has been married to her husband Jacob for one year. Besides Jacob, her loves include her family, flowers, art, movies, sunshine, and rain.