Cover photo by Liza Summer from Pexels

Written by Rebecca Zundel, Brigham Young University

I’ll never forget the moment when Brooklyn turned to me and said, “Becca, I have something I’ve been needing to tell you.” 

First, I felt relief. Brooklyn was finally opening up to me about her nearly year-long challenge with an eating disorder. Then came hope—maybe this was the beginning of recovery. Next, love and a desire to protect my friend flowed out in the form of tears and hugs; I would do anything for Brooklyn. But finally, fear presented itself. Eating disorders were new territory for me. 

Although they were new to me, eating disorders are not uncommon. For every eleven Americans, one will face an eating disorder at some point in their life (Arcelus et al., 2011). That one in eleven may be a friend or family member, and watching them suffer with an eating disorder can be discouraging and frightening. However, you can support your loved one by learning how to approach them, seeking to understand eating disorders, and finding ways to assist in their recovery. 

Approaching Your Loved One

I’ve often wondered what would have happened if Brooklyn had not told me that she was struggling with an eating disorder. I now understand that speaking up may, in a very literal sense, save a life. Brooklyn came to me before I ever built up the courage to talk to her about the changes I had noticed, but your case may differ. The following points may help if you find yourself needing to approach your friend or family member about an eating disorder (National Eating Disorders Association, 2013):

• Be prepared. Realize your purpose in approaching your loved one, then set up a private time to speak with them. You may even consider rehearsing what you want to say. 

• Honestly express your concerns. Explain your concerns in an open and caring way without condemning or judging your loved one. One way to do this is to avoid “you” statements like “You’re not eating enough!” Instead, use “I” phrases like “I’ve noticed you are eating less.” 

• Refrain from “simple” solutions. Avoid suggesting “simple” solutions to their trial. Telling someone struggling with an eating disorder to “just eat” is rarely, if ever, helpful.

• Avoid stigmas and encourage professional help. Help your loved one understand that having an eating disorder and getting necessary help is not shameful. Assist them in getting professional help.

These suggestions can help you lovingly approach your friend or family member. However, they may react negatively at first because mental disorders affect your thinking (Zaitsoff et al., 2020). Brooklyn explained it this way: “While I was in the depths of an eating disorder, I didn’t want help because I knew that ‘help’ would mean potentially giving up everything that my disordered mind considered important in life.” Fear of receiving a negative reaction is understandable. I was afraid. But I now understand that I would rather face my fear than lose my best friend. 

Understanding Eating Disorders

After our first conversation, I realized that I had much to learn about eating disorders. While Brooklyn’s health was suffering, she didn’t have what I originally thought of as an eating disorder. Her eating and exercise habits were definitely disordered, but Brooklyn ate. Understanding Brooklyn’s experience with an eating disorder was my first step in supporting her, and the following steps can help you on your path to understanding: 

• Do your research. Accept that multiple variations of eating disorders exist, and eating disorders are more complex than simply not eating. Eating disorders include any condition involving eating and other behaviors that negatively affect physical, emotional, and functional health (“Eating Disorders,” 2018). While Brooklyn ate, her obsession with healthy eating and exercise was still an eating disorder.

• Listen to your loved one. One of your best resources for understanding eating disorders may be the person you know who is actually suffering with an eating disorder. Sometimes, their current mindset may not elicit helpful comments, but when they do open up to you, be ready to listen and learn. 

• Seek the help of medical professionals. If a medical professional is assisting in your friend’s recovery, then seek the professional’s advice. They likely have insights on how you can personally help your friend. 

• Apply what you are learning. As you better come to understand your loved one’s trial, be willing to adjust and apply the strategies provided by the medical professionals.

With the help of these steps, I learned that multiple factors affect the formation of eating disorders. Brooklyn’s eating disorder actually stemmed from struggles with perfectionism and anxiety. When I finally understood this, I was better able to support my friend in the ways that she personally needed. 

Assisting in Recovery

Later in the recovery process, Brooklyn helped me understand that having support in recovery is extremely beneficial, even for someone as strong and determined as she is. The following are a few of the best ways to support loved ones through recovery (Fleming et al., 2020):

• Listen. Whenever your loved one talks of their experiences with an eating disorder, listen intently. This is not the time to discuss your own difficulties with body image or dieting. Doing so may actually discount your loved one’s struggles or trigger a relapse (Saxey, 2020). Instead, when they talk, simply listen and love.

• Show loving determination for accountability. Some days, the love you show will simply include providing company or understanding. Other days, however, your love may need to consist of firm accountability. Help your friend or family member keep their commitments to steps of recovery, and do not enable self-destructive behaviors.

• Remind your loved one of the joys of life. Brooklyn explained that an eating disorder is “completely mind-numbing. Life became bland and full of numbers and checklists, rather than the spontaneity and excitement that should encompass it.” Help your friend or family member enjoy different activities so that they can remember the joy of life.

• Remain hopeful. Most individuals recovering from an eating disorder will relapse, face emotional days, and experience other challenges along their road to recovery (“Relapse and Reoccurrence”). This does not mean that hope is lost. Remain hopeful and encourage them to do the same.  

Recovery is different for each individual, but having support is actually one of the most consistent helpers (Linville et al., 2012). To support Brooklyn, I became more educated about nutrition and intuitive eating. I accompanied her to joyous activities and helped her navigate her eating disorder triggers. As determined as Brooklyn is, she needed support and so does your loved one. 

Overcoming Their Challenge

The day Brooklyn told me about her struggle with an eating disorder was years ago. The Brooklyn I knew then was not the bubbly, care-free, and healthy Brooklyn that I know now. She still has her difficult days, but with the support of friends and family, Brooklyn recovered. Approaching your friend, understanding their experience, and assisting in their recovery can help your loved one as they face their own challenge with an eating disorder. 

One of the best ways you can help a loved one with an eating disorder is by getting informed about them. Check out the link from the National Institute of Mental Health to read about different kinds of eating disorders, the signs and symptoms associated with them, and what treatment options might be available for your loved one.

References

Arcelus, J., Mitchell, A. J., Wales, J., & Nielsen, S. (2011). Mortality Rates in Patients with Anorexia Nervosa and Other Eating Disorders. Archives of General Psychiatry, 68(7), 724. https://doi.org/10.1001/archgenpsychiatry.2011.74 

Fleming, C., Le Brocque, R, Healy, K. (2020). How are families included in the treatment of adults affected by eating disorders? A scoping review. International Journal of Eating Disorders. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1002/eat.23441

Linville, D., Brown, T., Sturm, K., & McDougal, T. (2012). Eating disorders and social support: Perspectives of recovered individuals. Eating Disorders, 20(3), 216–231. https://doi.org/10.1080/10640266.2012.668480

Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. (2018). Eating disorders. Mayo Clinic. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/eating-disorders/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20353609

National Eating Disorders Association. (2018). How to Help a Loved One. NEDA: Feeding Hope. https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/help/caregivers

Relapse & Recurrence. National Eating Disorder Collaboration. https://nedc.com.au/eating-disorders/treatment-and-recovery/relapse-and-recurrence/

Saxey, M. (2020). Empathy v. sympathy: Are my attempts really helping others? Family Perspectives, 2(1).
https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/familyperspectives/vol2/iss1/7

Zaitsoff, S. L., Pullmer, R., & Coelho, J. S. (2020). A longitudinal examination of body‐checking behaviors and eating disorder pathology in a community sample of adolescent males and females. International Journal of Eating Disorders, 53(11), 1836–1843. https://doi.org/10.1002/eat.23364

Rebecca Zundel was born and raised in a small, Midwestern town with her three older brothers. She now studies human development and editing at Brigham Young University and recently married her best friend. She loves traveling, trying new foods, and is constantly craving a big bowl of ice cream.