Love, Me, Project Parent

Maintaining Your Identity in Motherhood

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Cover photo by Tatiana Syrikova from Pexels

Written by Rian Gordon
“I have been so focused on taking care of everyone else that I don’t even know what I need anymore.” “I feel like I’m fading away in this monotony.” “Who even am I?” 
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking any of these things, you might just be a mom. 
Motherhood is one of the most demanding and difficult jobs out there. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing, and when you are giving so much of yourself to your children, it can be easy to feel like you’ve gotten lost in translation. I am a mom twice over, and each time I feel like I’ve had to re-discover myself — my goals and personal priorities, how I feel most comfortable expressing myself, how to best tend to my physical/emotional/mental/spiritual needs, what brings me the most joy, what makes me feel most like ME. And according to research, this is a pretty common experience for a lot of moms (Laney et al., 2015).   
So how do we balance giving of ourselves and staying true to who we are in a relationship that requires so much of us? Here are five principles that have helped me to maintain my identity in motherhood. 

1. “Mother” is not (and should not be) your only role

Becoming a mother drastically changes your life. Not only does it require you to physically care for a helpless human being, it also comes with a lot of societal baggage and expectations that carry with them the entire history of motherhood (Choi et al., 2005). Because of this, it can be easy to get overwhelmed and feel like you aren’t measuring up!
If you feel like you are getting lost in all of the pressure and comparison, take a step back and remember that you are more than just “Mom”. 
Photo by Austin Wade on Unsplash
Although you may be your child’s entire world (especially when they are teeny tiny), don’t feel guilty if being a mother doesn’t make you feel completely fulfilled all the time. Of COURSE we love our children with our whole hearts, and of COURSE we want to give them the world, and our best selves. But your needs are also important. You are a multi-dimensional human being who is not completely defined by the role of mother. Make sure that you are nourishing the other parts of yourself, and that you are finding your worth and value in more than just the development of your kiddos. Remember: when we take care of our own physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs, there is more of us to give to those we love. 
Try this:
  • Take a break from social media to help you avoid comparing yourself with others
  • Don’t allow others to dictate what being a good mom means to you by setting healthy boundaries
  • Schedule time for intentional self-care
  • Read my article “Perfection in Parenting: Dealing with Mom Guilt” for more information

2. Whether you choose to work outside the home or not, you’re right

One of the most loaded and difficult topics to navigate as a mother is outside-the-home work. A woman’s career can be an incredibly important part of her identity, defining many of her relationships, dictating how she spends her time, and ultimately shaping how she relates to the world. When you become a mom, however, it can be difficult to know whether you should stay at home full time, or continue pursuing a career outside the home along with your new full-time job of parenting. Sometimes you don’t really have a choice, which can further complicate the issue. 
Photo by William Fortunato from Pexels
Rather than arguing whether or not working outside of the home when you are a mom is right, I feel it is better to ask yourself whether or not it is the right choice FOR YOU. Research has actually shown that the woman’s preference is one of the most important factors in determining the relationship between her working status and her mental health (along with social support and job quality) (Gordon, 2018). 
When it comes down to it, finding the right work/home balance for you can help you have better mental health and be a better mom and partner. So, if you aren’t sure what that best fit looks like for you and your family, try asking yourself these questions:
  • Do I want to be working outside the home as a mom?
  • Does pursuing a career bring me joy and help me feel fulfilled?
  • What resources can I draw on to help me find a manageable and healthy work/life balance?
  • If working is not currently an option for me, in what other ways can I continue to develop myself, my talents, and my relationships?
If you want more information on being a working mom specifically, check out my article “To Work or Not To Work: What the Research Says about Being a Stay-At-Home Mom”. 

3. Your other relationships still matter

Many mothers, especially stay-at-home moms, spend the majority of their time with their children. That’s okay! Kids take a lot of time and energy, especially when they are little, and making that sacrifice to be with your kids in these especially formative years can be so rewarding. However, it can be easy to lose yourself (and your mind) when your only conversation partner all day is your toddler!
Photo by Joel Muniz on Unsplash
Take the time to nurture the adult relationships in your life that aren’t directly tied to your motherhood (ie. playgroup moms are awesome, but they aren’t the only adult friends you should make time to see). Be particularly intentional about setting aside time with your partner – when the kids are all grown up and gone, they will be the one you are left with. Check out this post here for more information on the problems with making your children your #1 relationship priority!
Try this:
  • Set aside time for a weekly date night with your partner
  • Schedule a lunch date with a friend, sans kids
  • Plan a girl’s weekend for you and some friends
  • Have another couple over after the kids are in bed for dessert and games

4. Don’t feel like you have to abandon your personal hopes, dreams, and passions

You have to sacrifice a lot when you’re a mom, but you should NOT have to sacrifice your identity! 
The things you are passionate about are what make you YOU. While you will most likely have to make adjustments to the amount of time you spend in pursuing your own personal goals, you do not have to give them up entirely in order to be a good mother! Continuing to develop yourself in a variety of areas will benefit you, your marriage, and your parenting, so please don’t stop working towards becoming your best self as you help your children to do the same. 
Photo by Michael Burrows from Pexels
Remember that you are not the only person responsible for raising your child. Don’t feel like that burden is solely on you. Rely on your village to give you the support you need in tending to your family and also tending to yourself. Asking for help does not need to be a last resort after you’re already at the end of your rope. Utilize your partner, family members, community, child care, etc. to help you have the time and space you need to continue learning, growing, and developing your individual identity. 
Try this:
  • Read The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky or The Happiness Project by Gretchin Rubin to re-connect with your passions
  • Take a community class to help you develop a personal talent or try a new hobby
  • Create a vision board to help you focus on who you are becoming

5. Remember: There is a time and a season

While I was working on my undergraduate degree and contemplating plans for my future career, one of my beloved mentors shared some wisdom with me. “You have time!” she said. 
“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1
Photo by Katie E from Pexels
The rushed pace at which our world currently operates can often make us feel like we have to have everything right here right now, or else we aren’t taking advantage of the time we’ve been given. “Time is scarce,” it tells us, and too often, we give up on our dreams because we feel like we will never have enough time. But do you want to know something? You do not have to do everything right now. Wherever you are at in your motherhood journey, you have an abundance of time ahead of you to accomplish just what you need and want to. As you focus on intentionally living in the moment and finding joy in whatever season you are in right now, you will find that you have as much time as you need.
If something is important to you, set goals, make a plan, and trust that you will have time to accomplish the things that matter most. 
Try this:
  • Practice mindfulness to help ground yourself in the present
  • Keep a journal so you can record your favorite daily moments
  • Avoid overscheduling yourself or your kids so you can enjoy being in the moment together and to decrease the amount of stress you experience

Conclusion

It isn’t realistic to expect that motherhood won’t change you. I am personally so grateful for the ways that being a mom has helped me grow, and how it has reshaped the way I see myself and the world! However, completely losing yourself to motherhood is not necessary. If you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore because being a mom has sucked you dry, take the time to invest in yourself! You are worth it.
This week, spend some time alone to re-connect with (or even reclaim) your identity. The “try this” suggestions above could be a great place to start if you need some ideas!

References

Choi, P., Henshaw, C., Baker, S., & Tree, J. (2005). Supermum, superwife, supereverything: Performing femininity in the transition to motherhood. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 23(2), 167–180. https://doi.org/10.1080/02646830500129487
Gordon, R. N. (2018, October 13). To work or not to work: What the research says about being a stay-at-home mom. Healthy Humans Project. https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/to-work-or-not-to-work-what-the-research-says-about-being-a-stay-at-home-mom/ 
Laney, E. K., Lewis Hall, M. E., Anderson, T. L, & Willingham, M. M. (2015) Becoming a mother: The influence of motherhood on women’s identity development. Identity, 15(2), 126-145. https://doi.org/10.1080/15283488.2015.1023440
Smith, J. A. (1999). Identity development during the transition to motherhood: An interpretative phenomenological analysis. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 17(3), 281–299. https://doi.org/10.1080/02646839908404595

 

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she is currently pursuing an MS degree in Family and Human Development from Arizona State University.
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Love, Me

5 Ways to Practice Setting Healthy Boundaries in your 20’s

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Written by Alyssa Carroll
As the oldest of four children, I am a people-pleaser and have a hard time saying no. I have always struggled with sharing my feelings and my needs. This has resulted in spreading myself thin on many occasions and saying yes to things I do not want to do. Boundaries help us to decide how people can treat us, how people can behave around us, and what others can expect from us (Jacobson, 2015). They help us set rules for navigating all of our relationships (Chesak, 2018).
Boundaries help us strengthen and fortify relationships; it is not about putting up walls to isolate yourself or block other people out. These boundaries are limits that we set to protect ourselves from being manipulated, and they can help us express our individuality and needs.
During the transitionary period of emerging adulthood, we experience identity exploration, instability, feelings of being in-between, increased self-focus, and a world of possibilities (Munsey, 2006). Establishing healthy boundaries as an emerging adult can improve your self-esteem, conserve emotional energy, and results in more independence and agency (Chesak, 2018).
It is important to remember that boundaries are not meant to be too rigid; rigid boundaries can lead to more problems. Having clear, flexible boundaries will ensure that your relationships remain balanced and healthy. Flexible boundaries are neither too closed and specific nor too open. Rigid boundaries are too closed and specific (Baldwin, 2019). To help you better understand what flexible and rigid boundaries look like, here is an example of each: 
    • Flexible boundary: “I like to have some time to myself when I get home from class so I can wind down.”
    • Rigid boundary: “I need the whole house to be perfectly clean and quiet when I get home from class or else I am going to be very upset.”
What can emerging adults set boundaries for? We can set boundaries for our time and energy, our personal space and possessions, our religion, our jobs, and our relationships with others (Chesak, 2018). So, how do you get started with setting some healthy boundaries? Here are five simple ways that you can practice setting healthy boundaries in your 20’s. 
Photo by Mikhail Nilov from Pexels

#1: Practice Self-Awareness

Being aware of your personality and habits will give you a clear picture of your needs and what boundaries you need to create. Keep in mind that self-awareness is a life-long journey (Tjan, 2015)! It takes a lot of effort to get to know yourself and become aware of your strengths and weaknesses. Self-awareness is the first step to creating the life that you want because it allows you to change your thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs (Scott, n.d.). Your mental state will change as you develop self-awareness and you will become more emotionally intelligent (Psychology Today, n.d.).
We can practice self-awareness by getting feedback from close friends and family members, taking personality or enneagram tests, writing down our priorities and values, asking for feedback at work, and meeting with a psychotherapist.  We can also dedicate time to self-reflection. Journaling is a great way to do this (Warley, n.d.)! You can journal daily, weekly, or whenever works for you. Practicing self-awareness will help you establish your needs and identify what types of boundaries you may need to set. 

#2: Tune In to Your Feelings

Emotions can often feel complex and confusing. I don’t know about you, but I tend to push my feelings away because that feels easier than putting in the effort to figure them out. We can learn emotional regulation and increase our emotional intelligence if we take the time to sit with our feelings and learn how to identify them. Naming the emotions we experience and determining why we feel the way we do can help us become more self-aware and identify what boundaries we may need to set. 
Mindfulness and meditation can help you tune into your feelings. Knowing your feelings will better prepare you to speak your mind and explain your thoughts. This will help you know what limits you need to set for yourself. You will then be able to set clear, upfront boundaries, and feel more confident with the boundaries you are setting. 
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#3: Be Assertive and Direct

Assertiveness can be scary, especially if you shy away from conflict and confrontation like I do. Being assertive does not mean you are being rude or pushy. Assertiveness is a form of calm communication that is clear and direct (Tyrell, 2019). Being direct can come in handy when setting boundaries because the limits you set will be very clear to those around you. We cannot assume that other people can read our minds and know our boundaries, so we need to clearly state them with assertiveness so they are understood by others. Being more assertive will help you set clear, honest boundaries that others around you will understand and respect. 

#4: Learn to Say No

When you are a people pleaser like I am, you may feel like you can never say no. Learning to say no can be hard, but it is part of setting healthy boundaries! This can also help you to respect your own time and space, and others will respect you more too. PsychCentral says that “the ability to say no is closely linked to self-confidence” (Collingwood, 2016). Your self-esteem will increase as you learn to say no and set limits for yourself. You can say no without an explanation. If you do not feel comfortable doing something, you can say no. You do not need to justify your feelings to others. Learning to say no will help you set limits for yourself because you will be in control of your time and you will be respected more by others.
Photo by Gary Barnes from Pexels

#5: Start Small

Making any type of change or adjustment in your life can be overwhelming. Starting small is a principle that you can apply to many facets of your life, but it is especially needed when it comes to setting boundaries. Your whole life does not need to be regulated by boundaries, and you do not need to make a thousand changes all at once! Start small, start simple. Pick one domain of your life that you need to set boundaries for, and just focus on that for a few weeks or months. 

Conclusion

Emerging adulthood is a difficult period in your life. You experience instability, growth, big decisions, and difficulties with navigating the real world and learning how to be an adult (Munsey, 2006). Setting healthy boundaries can help you to survive this transitionary time. Healthy boundaries can increase your self-esteem and emotional intelligence, and help you become more independent and confident in yourself and your needs. It is important to remember to honor the boundaries that other people set. 
Boundaries are meant to be flexible, so you can adapt and adjust them as needed throughout the course of your life. You can even break some of your boundaries as you get older or more established in your relationships (Chesak, 2018). Getting older, meeting more people, and creating new relationships may require an adjustment of boundaries.

Start small and pick one domain of your life that you need to set boundaries for. Use the principles in this article to help.

References

Baldwin, J. (2019, June 12). Rigid, diffuse, and flexible: three types of psychological boundaries in the voice studio. Sound + Mind. https://soundandmind.blog/2019/06/12/rigid-diffuse-and-flexible-three-types-of-psychological-boundaries-in-the-voice-studio/ 
Chesak, J. (2018, December 10). The no BS guide to protecting your emotional space. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/set-boundaries
Collingwood, J. (2016, May 17). Learning to say no. PsychCentral. https://psychcentral.com/lib/learning-to-say-no#1
Jacobson, S. (2015, April 2). 12 signs you lack healthy boundaries (and why you need them). Harley Therapy Counseling. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/healthy-boundaries.htm
Munsey, C. (2006, June). Emerging adults: The in-between age. Monitor on Psychology. http://www.apa.org/monitor/jun06/emerging
Psychology Today. (n.d.) Emotional intelligence. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/emotional-intelligence
Scott, S.J. (n.d.) How to be more self-aware: 8 tips to boost self-awareness. Develop Good Habits. Retrieved on February 13, 2021, from https://www.developgoodhabits.com/what-is-self-awareness/
Tjan, A. (2015, February 11). 5 ways to become more self-aware. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2015/02/5-ways-to-become-more-self-aware
Tyrell, M. (2019, August 1). 5 golden keys to assertiveness and setting boundaries. Hypnosis Downloads. https://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/blog/5-golden-keys-to-assertiveness-and-setting-boundaries
Warley, S. (n.d.) The #1 self-awareness habit. Life skills that matter. https://lifeskillsthatmatter.com/number-one-self-awareness-habit/

 

Alyssa Carroll is from Highland, Utah. She is an undergraduate student at BYU studying Human Development and Family Studies. She enjoys learning about sexual mindfulness and healthy communication in dating and marriage relationships. She is passionate about helping emerging adults develop a healthy attitude towards sex and sexuality, and she strives to be an advocate for mental health. In her spare time, she loves reading, watching movies, and going out to eat.
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Love, Me

Instinct Is Enough

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Written by Dray Salcido
“Self trust is the essence of heroism.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Have you ever struggled to keep commitments to yourself? Do you often experience regret? Do you feel confused about what choices to make? Do you wonder if you’ll ever get it right? Do you need more validation than feels normal or healthy? If the answer is yes to any of these questions, you may struggle with self doubt. Believing ourselves seems nonsensical to our conditioning. Perhaps you’ve been told “people are inherently selfish”, or “women are emotional, so they can’t trust their decision making”, or “people are fickle; incapable of trust” and so on. Not only are these ideas fallible, but they also encourage and perpetuate self doubt. Even statements intended to motivate can often create despair and mistrust in our own worth and capabilities. The following addresses why trusting ourselves is the best thing we can do for ourselves and those around us, and how to cultivate more self trust in ourselves. 
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Honestly

We’re actually more trustworthy when we first trust ourselves. Literature explains that people who are blunt, straightforward and authentic have more of the public trust than those who say the right things or people-please (Carnegie, 1964). This may be because trustworthy people own what they feel. They set boundaries by expressing what is and isn’t okay with them. Trustworthy people accept the fact that they have needs. When we’re transparent with our own selves, it translates to other people as well. This congruence demonstrates to others that we’ll be real with them, because we’re first real with ourselves. Not only does authenticity promote self trust but, in one study, was found to be the strongest indicator for relationship satisfaction (Snyder, 1996). 
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
Part of being honest is knowing your limits. The term “self care” might seem like a trendy phrase people say to over indulge, i.e. “treat yo self.” But it really is important to take care of and meet your needs. You can’t draw from an empty well. When you’re not taking care of yourself first, you cannot appropriately meet the needs of others. Self care is self trust in action. Showing yourself that you have your own back. 

Mindfully

Take time to be still. Pay attention, on purpose, to what thoughts flood into your head, what emotions arise in your heart and what sensations come into your body. Notice without judgement. One study concluded that implementing a mindfulness practice, such as meditation, to an individual’s daily living both decreased stress and “increased self-trust” (Ager et. al, 2015). Feel your way through the mess. Notice what thoughts you have when you question yourself. Notice how it feels to not trust yourself vs. how it feels when you do. Remember that the brain will find reasons to validate your beliefs. If you believe that you shouldn’t trust yourself, ask yourself “why not?” You can decide you’re worth trusting. 
Photo by Vlada Karpovich from Pexels

Intuitively 

Anatole France once said, “In art as in love, instinct is enough.” Truly, our gut usually knows what’s best. Our mind and heart speak to our soul. Our intuition is our best guide. Understand that the entire purpose for emotions is to guide and give feedback. Distrusting your own experience is the most illogical thing you could do, because we all have an inner knowing. Practice listening and get reacquainted with your instinct. This can be done through conversations with a loved one or keeping a journal. And if you make a mistake, it might as well be your own, rather than someone else’s. 
Give space to feel your feelings. Choose your sources of advice carefully. Follow your gut instincts. Develop a mindful and spiritual practice. Remember that when we consider ourselves the experts of our own experiences, we empower ourselves. And remember that we all have an inner knowing. Practice listening to your wants and needs, and honestly express them to those around you. You’ll come to find that instinct is enough. 
This week, spend time journaling. Research shows that journaling helps us make connections in a way that can increase self trust (Epp, 2008). Be authentic with yourself and others. Remember that, like any good thing, practice and time will get you there. Trust is earned in drops in buckets, and self-trust is the same. 

References

Ager, K., Albrecht, N. J., & Cohen, M. (2015). Mindfulness in schools research project: Exploring students’ perspectives of mindfulness-What are students’ perspectives of learning mindfulness in practices at school?. Psychology, 6(07), 896.
Carnegie, D. (1964). How to win friends and influence people. New York: Simon and Schuster. 
Epp, S. (2008). The value of reflective journaling in undergraduate nursing education: A literature review. International journal of nursing studies, 45(9), 1379-1388.
Snyder, M. J. (1996). Honesty in interpersonal relationships (Doctoral dissertation, University of Connecticut). 

 

Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
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Guest Writers, Love, Me, Mental Notes

How I Chose to Handle My Toxic Relationship in a Culture of “Cutting Ties”

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Written by Natalie Burgess, Brigham Young University
My memories of growing up with my mom are marked with happiness mingled with unforgettable pain. Due to her struggles with Borderline Personality Disorder, my mom seemed to operate on a revolving door—she was the kindest person one day, and the scariest the next. I often felt as if I was walking on eggshells, fearing her next outburst of anger, manipulation, and screaming. This wild mix of highs and lows felt like whiplash and largely shaped my childhood (Rizvi & Najam, 2017). 
Eventually, I discovered that her actions were partially due to a mental illness and not just her unique personality. However, I found that many of my peers with similar experiences diagnosed their parents as “toxic” (Oyler, 2018)—or contaminating others by their destructive behaviors—rather than mentally ill.
While our society is becoming increasingly aware of mental health issues, other voices support a new trend that encourages individuals to make greater efforts to “self-protect” their happiness. Some individuals do this by recognizing (Morgan, 2020) which of their relationships are unhealthy and dumping them in hopes of something or someone better—or at least putting off investing (LeFebvre & Carmack, 2020) in close relationships once they have determined that a relationship may not be what they want it to be.
However, “You can divorce an abusive spouse. You can call it quits if your lover mistreats you. But what can you do if the source of your misery is your own parent?” (Friedman, 2009)
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

A Different Choice

After consulting my therapist, he told me, “There is another option. If you want to keep your relationship with your mom, you need to set boundaries with her. You set the rules as well as the consequences for not keeping them—and you must stick to them.”
He introduced me to some communication methods, one of which is known by the acronym DEAR MAN (Richard et al., 2013):
  • D: Describe what you want 
  • E: Express your feelings about the situation
  • A: Assert yourself by asking for what you want
  • R: Reinforce or reward the person by explaining the potential rewards of complying *this is also a good place to list consequences for not following your request
  • M: Stay Mindful—do not get distracted by their arguments or defensiveness
  • A: Appear confident and try to take yourself seriously, avoid stammering, and staring at the floor
  • N: Negotiate and compromise what you can without ignoring your needs
Photo by Alena Darmel from Pexels
As I practiced this skill with my therapist, I realized that this type of conversation would require some bravery and may not initially elicit a positive response from my mother. I decided to call her on the phone, so I could leave the situation if I needed to, as well as have the ability to have notes with me that I could reference and that could keep me focused and give me something to say. Here is an example of how I used DEAR MAN:

Application

“I want to be spoken to respectfully. I feel hurt and angry when you yell at me and call me names. I need you to not yell at me or call me names. If you do this, our relationship can improve, and we can spend more time together like you have said you would like to. If you do not do this, I will not speak with you until you can speak respectfully. (If at this point the other person begins to argue or place blame on you, do not argue or defend yourself, but calmly redirect the conversation back to what you were saying.) Can you do that? What can I do to help with this?”
My therapist also recommended having my husband on the phone call with me in order to support me, back me up, and refocus me as needed. For others, this may look like discussing the situation with a roommate or friend to receive encouragement and validation for your experience afterwards.
In the following weeks, I began to incorporate DEAR MAN into interactions with my mom. At first, she was upset and offended, but I firmly stood my ground. I realized that without the support of my husband, it would have been easy to doubt if what I was choosing to do was the right move.
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Progress

As I practiced this new skill with my mom, I began to recognize that much of her behavior was due to her fear of abandonment and loneliness—not out of a pure desire to make my life difficult. Understanding the depth of pain behind her own actions helped me to develop more empathy for her. Eventually, I started to see positive changes in my relationship with my mother.
Although our relationship is not perfect and I occasionally still have to remind her of my boundaries, I have been able to work on my own healing and no longer feel that I must walk on eggshells and fear her reactions. I recognize that there are relationships that truly do need to end (Friedman, 2009); however, the decision to cut ties (Carr et al., 2017) should not be taken lightly in families, nor should one do so without searching for outside resources such as therapy for help. Creating a healthier relationship may take repeated efforts to see improvement or there may not be change at all—but at least you will know that you gave it your best effort.
I am grateful that I found a way to purge my relationship of toxicity—not by ending my relationship with my mom—but by learning how to improve it. As a result, I am able to stay in contact with my mother and my daughter is able to know a grandmother she would not have otherwise.

Consider ways you can “self-protect” your happiness, including setting appropriate boundaries in relationships that may be considered “toxic.” Follow Natalie’s example by writing out your feelings, observations, and perhaps a script using the DEAR MAN format noted above. You don’t need to implement those boundaries right away, but processing these thoughts and ideas will lay the foundation for future conversations.

References

Carr, K., Holman, A., Abetz, J., Kellas, J. K., & Vagnoni, E. (2015). Giving voice to the silence of family estrangement: Comparing reasons of estranged parents and adult children in a nonmatched sample. Journal of Family Communication, 15(2), 130–140. https://doi.org/10.1080/15267431.2015.1013106
Friedman, R. A. (2009, October 19). When parents are too toxic to tolerate. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/health/20mind.html?searchResultPosition=2
LeFebvre, L. E., & Carmack, H. J. (2020). Catching feelings: Exploring commitment (un)readiness in emerging adulthood. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(1), 143–162. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519857472
Morgan, C. (2020, March 18). Can you really fix a toxic relationship (and how)? Lifehack. https://www.lifehack.org/868281/how-to-fix-a-toxic-relationship
Oyler, L. (2018, October 2). When did everything get so ‘toxic’? The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/02/magazine/when-did-everything-get-so-toxic.html?searchResultPosition=3
Ricard, R. J., Lerma, E., & Heard, C. C. C. (2013). Piloting a dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) Infused skills group in a disciplinary alternative education program (DAEP). The Journal for Specialists in Group Work, 38(4), 285-306. https://doi.org/10.1080/01933922.2013.834402
Rizvi, S. F. I., & Najam, N. (2017). Unseen wounds: Understanding the emotional and behavioral correlates of psychological abuse in adolescents. Pakistan Journal of Psychological Research, 32(2), 525–543.

 

Natalie Burgess grew up in a blended family in Round Rock, TX and served a mission for her church for 18 months in Seattle Washington. Natalie and her husband, Ryan, have been married for two years and enjoy traveling, catching up on sleep, reading books together, annoying their cat, and playing with their daughter, Lindsey. Natalie is currently a senior at Brigham Young University studying human development and will attend graduate school in the coming year to pursue a degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development.
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Guest Writers, Mental Notes, Reaching Higher

The Power of Positivity: Finding Joy and Happiness Throughout Our Trials

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Written by Tawnya Roth, Brigham Young University
I was quite certain it was cancer the moment I received the call. Despite the heartrending news I replied, “Come what may and love it.” Over the next few weeks, I learned how rare my tumor was, including the staggering statistic of a 38% recurrence rate after treatment. In an instant, it felt as if my current life was put on hold, and I was traversing completely unknown territory. 
A diagnosis of cancer comes to many, but even those who never get cancer will almost certainly have difficult times in their lives. While challenging moments can be extremely tough, they can also teach us valuable lessons when we keep a positive attitude. My journey through cancer, as arduous as it was, became a meaningful chapter in my life as I learned to work through my grief, serve, maintain gratitude, and strive for hope.

Grief Can Be Helpful

During the ensuing months of treatment, I felt a roller coaster of emotions. There were days I felt calm and ready to conquer anything and other days that I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. This is a normal part of the grieving process we go through when we have a loss due to a severe challenge. 
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Take the time you need to understand your feelings of grief. Doing so can allow you to deal with the accompanying emotions from the loss your particular challenge brings. When you are ready, allow yourself to begin looking beyond your personal circumstances so emotional healing can begin and you can move forward. Some losses may take a long time to process, which is okay, but try to keep your mind and heart open to eventual healing (Ennis-O’Connor, 2018).  
In the process, seek out those who can be helpful—family, friends, professionals or others who have gone through a similar situation. I learned the importance of seeking out those that can help when I did not feel helped by a well-meaning friend. I shared with her my fear about the ways the surgery would alter my face. Expecting empathy and compassion, I was disappointed when I was met with the response, ‘You shouldn’t worry so much about your appearance.’ Seek out those who will listen and allow you to grieve, which gives room for healing.
Faith Murray, a 17-year-old with chronic recurrent multifocal osteomyelitis, learned this lesson. Faith lives with severe pain most days. She said life can be really hard and it is okay to realize that, but at some point, you have to stop “sitting in the sadness” and look outside yourself so you can experience the emotional healing you’re seeking (Strive to Be, 2020). 
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Giving Can Be a Blessing

Faith stops sitting in sadness by serving others, which not only blesses the lives of those she serves but brings great joy to her own life. Giving anything—time, money, energy or even blood—not only benefits those around us, but can make us happier (Brooks, 2021). Serving others improves not only our emotional health but our physical health as well. In addition to lowering blood pressure, stress, pain and depression, individuals who serve tend to have a greater sense of purpose and satisfaction (Wells Fargo Advisors, n.d.).
Before each radiation treatment, I would change into a hospital gown and wait in the women’s locker room until they were ready for me. Most days brought opportunities to visit with other women. These women and I felt a synergy as we served each other, listening to personal stories, giving each other encouragement, and showing compassion. After daily treatments for six weeks, I was thrilled to be finished with radiation, but I also knew I would miss those sweet, understanding friends I met. Serving and being served can be a unique blessing to continue through grieving.

Attitude of Gratitude

Another way to stop sitting in sadness is to look for the good. Simply said, count your blessings. Gratitude brings healing to our hearts by improving our emotional health. Researchers studied the effect of gratitude on mental health patients, finding that those who wrote a letter of gratitude each week for three weeks had significantly better long-term mental health than other patients, even if they never sent the letters (Brown & Wong, 2017).
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Surprisingly, gratitude can also improve our physical health. Studies show that counting blessings decreases stress, boosts immunity, improves sleep, lowers both blood pressure and cholesterol levels, and improves heart health (UC Davis Health, 2015). Gratitude is powerful!
When we have a grateful outlook on life, we see things we wouldn’t otherwise see, even hidden blessings. During my treatment, radiation was especially hard on my face, part of which was covered with sores and one eye was almost swollen shut. One day, after being reminded by my oncologist to keep my eye constantly moist to prevent permanent damage, I realized the swollen eye was actually protecting my eyeball. There it was, a tremendous blessing disguised as a trial that I wouldn’t have noticed had I not counted my blessings.

Hope Brings Peace

In addition to service and gratitude, hope was the foundation to my positive attitude. I used to think hope was a weak virtue. I would hope that it would not rain, or that something good would come my way, but those wishes are different than the hope that brings power and peace. I have learned over the years that hope is something coming from deep inside, and often requires letting go of what you can’t control. It is seeing reality while at the same time having a positive attitude. For me, hope is trusting that God’s plan is better than my own. 
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Hope depends not on the events in our lives, but on the focus of our lives, and can still be felt by those who don’t have a positive prognosis. There is hope that you can handle problems that come, hope in relationships, and hope that somehow everything is going to be okay. Hope can overcome fear and despair. I have heard people say that a person who died of cancer “lost the battle.” Dying of cancer isn’t losing—rather, we lose the battle when we give up hope. Hope is not sitting still while wishing your problems away—rather, it is knowing that every day, no matter what comes, there are good things in life: people to love, people to serve, people to inspire (Ashley, 2017).

Powerful Indeed

As illogical as it sounds, I look back on my experience with cancer and feel grateful for the wisdom I gained, and the continued hope I feel, even knowing my cancer may return. I have changed in ways that are good, and there are things I never want to forget. No matter the path life puts us on, when we let ourselves grieve, serve, have gratitude, and hope, we can find joy and happiness in ways we least expect—even in extreme trials.

Choose one of the above steps—grief, service, gratitude, or hope—to focus on and practice this week.

References

Ashley, J. (2017, July 25). A cancer survivor: Why positive thinking really matters. The Philadelphia Inquirer. https://www.inquirer.com/philly/health/a-cancer-survivor-why-positive-thinking-really-matters-20170725.html 
Brooks, A. C. (2021 March 4). A counterintuitive way to cheer up when you’re down: When you need to get happier, try giving happiness away. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/03/making-people-happy-makes-you-happier-too/618190/ 
Brown, J., Wong, J. (2017, June 6). How gratitude changes you and your brain. Greater Good Magazine. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_gratitude_changes_you_and_your_brain 
Ennis-O’Connor, M. (2018, March 27). Grief, loss and the cancer experience. Patient Empowerment Network. https://powerfulpatients.org/2018/03/27/grief-loss-and-the-cancer-experience/ 
Strive to be. (2020, Nov 15). Faith Murray’s story: Overcoming adversity through service. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ui1s0Mg_nTs 
UC Davis Health. (2015, Nov 25). Gratitude is good medicine. Medical Center. https://health.ucdavis.edu/medicalcenter/features/2015-2016/11/20151125_gratitude.html 
Wells Fargo Advisors. (n.d.). 7 Scientific benefits of helping others. Mentalfloss. https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/71964/7-scientific-benefits-helping-others

 

Tawnya Roth lives in Dixon, California where she and her husband have finally put down roots after 25 years moving around the world with the Air Force. She has three adult children and two adorable grandkids, with two more coming in September. She is a student at Brigham Young University, graduating in August 2021 with her Bachelor of General Studies degree with an emphasis in Family Life. Doctors found a cancerous tumor in her tear duct in 2018. Five surgeries, radiation and several miracles have given her a new lease on life.
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