As a new mom myself, I am all too familiar with the many changes that accompany postpartum. The complete joy; the exhaustion; the new family dynamics; the physical recovery; the bonding; the new body; modified social and work dynamics and countless other changes that one truly can’t prepare for.
Experiences during postpartum vary widely, ranging from tears of discouragement to inexplicable joy—sometimes within a matter of minutes! In hopes of shedding some light on the realities of postpartum, I’ve asked over a dozen new moms about their experiences. These brave mothers candidly share the highs and lows of their transition into motherhood; how they find solace on hard days and invaluable advice for expectant moms. The full interview can be found here.
In this post, I’ve summarized their responses into four essential tips on how to thrive in postpartum, and included some experiences of women with postpartum depression and/or anxiety integrated with what the experts have to say about it.
#1 Be Patient With Yourself
Being patient with yourself is key in postpartum! It takes practice to learn how to best meet your baby’s needs, and communication with an infant can be tricky. Be kind to yourself as you learn the ropes of motherhood.
Photo by Jenna Christina on Unsplash
“It is easy to be overwhelmed and feel like I am not enough or I am not doing enough. Even if I feel like I am a good mom 99% of the time I tend to dwell on the one moment I lost my patience for a second.”
Remember to avoid comparing your progress with your perception of other moms. Everyone’s journey looks different, and things are rarely as they seem.
“Nowadays with social media you can see everybody’s perfect moments, and not their everyday, and so that’s what you compare to. They look happy, their house is so clean, why isn’t mine? But you have to remember that every situation is different and what people post isn’t always reality.”
#2 Take Time to Recharge
Being 100% responsible for a little one can be really taxing. Surrounding yourself with family and friends who can support you in this new endeavor makes a world of difference. Research has shown that the well-being of first time mothers is indicative of the support of her social network (Leahy et al., 2012).Just as the old proverb says, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Use your village!
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“Bring on a trusted team of helpers to help care for your baby, husband, kids and you. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. You need all of the strength to get you through the first few months, especially.”
Self-care is crucial to maintaining our identity outside of motherhood. Try making a list of things you enjoy doing and then make the time to do them! You will feel refreshed and be better able to care for your loved ones.
“I think once I get out of the house I feel a lot better. Even if it’s just for a walk around the block. Sometimes the only way to get out of the house is with messy hair and no makeup but I always feel better.”
#3 Trust Your Intuition
Many people will have opinions on what is ‘best.’ Trust your intuition! You are more than capable to care for your baby as you see fit.
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“DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. Mom-guilt is real and I can really be hard on myself, especially when I feel like I’m not living up to expectations (either ones that I have set for myself, or ones that I feel like others have for me).”
Our motherhood journeys will all look different because each mother, baby and situation are unique. Remember to “go with your gut” and do what you feel is best—even if it isn’t popular among friends or family.
“Rather than doing what the books tell you to do or everything that others tell you to do, trust yourself. You do have motherly instincts and they’ll kick in to help you. Books and advice from others are there to simply make your life easier and bring you more joy, so if that advice is taking away the joy of motherhood, then let it go and do things your way.”
#4 Redefine Success
Success in motherhood looks different! In the first few weeks after my baby was born, I had a hard time feeling successful at the end of each day. My to-do list became extremely simple (ex. ‘take a shower,’ or ‘clip baby’s nails’). I became disenchanted with the monotony of my small accomplishments.
“When another person depends on you for everything, suddenly the easiest household tasks seem monumental—especially on limited sleep.”
I’ve since learned that success isn’t completing a well thought out to-do list! I fed, diapered, sang to, read to, played with, soothed and cherished my baby all day long (tasks that didn’t appear on my to-do list). To me, that has become success.
“…this tiny sweet person will only be little for so long. I am slowly learning to not sweat the small things and that playing hide and seek is much more important than finishing the laundry.”
Postpartum Depression and Anxiety
“Postpartum depression is a real thing, and I think every new mom no matter if she experiences it or not, is a soldier for what she goes through. Virtually no part of your body, mind, or soul goes untouched after becoming a mother.”
Approximately 8–14 % of US women experience postpartum depression, yet fewer than half of these women ever receive treatment (Farr et al., 2016). This often stems from the notion that postpartum depression and anxiety are not permanent conditions and that you can just “ride-it-out.” When left unacknowledged or untended, these conditions can have lasting effects and overshadow the joys of motherhood.
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It’s important to educate yourself on both the typical and atypical symptoms of postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety/OCD. Click here and here for two different articles that help explain these symptoms.
After giving birth, there is a significant shift in hormones that often cause mothers to experience mood swings. A few blue days of feeling tired and overwhelmed are considered ‘typical’ while extended periods of feeling hopeless are not. If you are consumed by feelings of sadness, guilt or anxiousness, reach out and get the help you need.
“DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP. I started seeing my therapist as soon as my anxiety felt higher than normal after giving birth. I have generalized anxiety disorder, so my husband and I were on alert, knowing that I was at a higher risk for postpartum. Getting professional help has really helped me to keep going.”
“I now know I had postpartum anxiety/OCD after B was born. For the first few months I hardly slept or would leave my baby alone in a room. I was so worried about him and his safety. It was hard because I was worried that I would feel like that forever. I of course still worry about him but not in the same obsessive way. I was ashamed to tell anyone my “crazy” thoughts and feelings and didn’t reach out when I needed to the most.”
Conclusion:
The key to THRIVING in postpartum is not going at it alone or with unrealistic expectations. Celebrate the mundane but important victories and surround yourself with a support network that validates you in the most important undertaking you will ever face!
As you hit that daily wall of “I have no idea what I am doing” or experience the euphoria of “I’m so happy my heart could burst”, take a step back and remember that this is the nature of motherhood and that you are in good company.
References
Farr, S. L., Ko, J. Y., Burley, K., & Gupta, S. (2016). Provider communication on perinatal depression: A population-based study. Archives of Women’s Mental Health, 19(1), 35–40. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s00737-014-0493-9
Hussmann, M. D. (2021). Demystifying first-time mothers’ postpartum mental health: A phenomenological study of the transition to becoming a mother [ProQuest Information & Learning]. In Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B: The Sciences and Engineering (Vol. 82, Issue 8–B).
Leahy, W. P., McCarthy, G., & Corcoran, P. (2012). First‐time mothers: Social support, maternal parental self‐efficacy and postnatal depression. Journal of Clinical Nursing, 21(3–4), 388–397. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1365-2702.2011.03701.x
Lee, H. Y., Edwards, R. C., & Hans, S. L. (2019). Young first-time mothers’ parenting of infants: The role of depression and social support. Maternal and Child Health Journal. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10995-019-02849-7
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
Happiness is a common pursuit among human beings. It’s even explicitly listed as one of our unalienable rights in the United States Declaration of Independence (“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness”)! If you were to ask anyone, I can almost guarantee that they would tell you they would rather be happy than sad or angry (in fact, a 2016 survey showed that 81% of Americans would rather be happy than achieve greatness in their lifetime). But like it or not, it is impossible for us to be happy 100% of the time, and believe it or not, that’s actually a good thing!
Emotions are a constant and vital part of life, and they heavily affect our everyday choices. While it seems like it would be really nice to never have to feel “negative” emotions, such as sadness, anger, grief, fear, or embarrassment, research has actually found that it is incredibly important to allow ourselves to feel a variety of emotions! Here are a few of the many reasons why allowing ourselves to feel “negative” emotions at times is essential to our mental, physical, and relational health.
1. Feeling leads to healing
The vast majority of experiences that we go through in life will likely elicit different emotional reactions within us. In fact, we often feel not just one, but a variety of emotions per experience! It is not reasonable for us to expect ourselves to be constantly happy through every single experience, particularly when life gets hard. Trying to stifle uncomfortable or negative emotions and put on a brave face 100% of the time is not healthy — we need to process the negative emotions in order to lead healthy and balanced lives (Levine & Wald, 2020). Refusing to acknowledge what we are feeling can really take a toll on our physical, emotional, and mental health.
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Experiencing prolonged periods of stressful emotions such as anxiety or fear can affect just about every system in your body — your muscles, your heart, your stomach, even your reproductive system (Cohen et al., 2020)! Depression or extreme sadness can also effect you profoundly, leading to symptoms such as insomnia, weight fluctuations, increased sensitivity to pain, and even a weaker immune system. Allowing ourselves to process emotions in a healthy way can help our bodies, minds, and hearts stay balanced, and can help us to pull through when we experience difficulties. Remember, “You have to feel it to heal it.”
2. “Negative” emotions can help protect us
Emotions possess a literal energy that motivates us to action. The energy and motivation that comes from difficult emotions can actually help us protect ourselves, particularly when it comes to our relationships. Sadness, anger, or fear can help us weed out unhealthy relationships or other negative aspects of our lives. They can also help us know when we need to make changes. It is important to be aware of these emotions, and to allow ourselves to experience them rather than push them away so that we can take action when action is needed.
Photo from pexels.com
It is also important to understand that sometimes negative emotions can get triggered even if there isn’t a real threat that we need to be protected from. This can sometimes be a sign of mental illness such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, or PTSD, and can be due to chemical or hormonal imbalances, cultural background, past experiences, and many other factors. It is important for us to learn the difference between negative emotions that are helping us and protecting us, and negative emotions that are hurting us and holding us back. Watching for patterns, discussing emotions with someone you trust, or getting help from a professional doctor or therapist can help you to determine whether or not you are experiencing emotions that are helpful or hurtful.
3. Healthy relationships require healthy processing of emotions
Because emotions are a built-in part of the human experience (particularly when it comes to relationships), and because relationships are composed of different people with different world-views, it is expected that our relationships are going to, at times, involve negative emotions. It is important to realize this, because in order for us to have healthy relationships, we need to know that it is okay when we experience a negative emotion towards someone we care about! I struggled with this for a really long time, and I thought it was better for me to deny any space for those negative emotions in my relationships. I told myself that if I truly loved someone, I shouldn’t be feeling angry or annoyed at them! That couldn’t have been further from the truth. By refusing to acknowledge and healthily deal with those negative emotions, I was actually causing myself to feel resentment and more anger towards my loved ones. When we understand that negative emotions are a normal and even healthy part of every relationship, we are able to address those emotions and actually work through them in a healthy way. Here are some recommendations for processing negative emotions in relationships:
Communication – Talk about it! If there is something bothering you and it is something that needs to be said, approach your partner and have a conversation about how you are feeling. This isn’t always easy, particularly when the emotions that you are experiencing are strong. Understand that the more we practice communicating, the easier it gets. Also consider taking some time to think about your feelings before approaching your partner. If you worry that you will say something you regret in the heat of the moment, it’s okay to take a step back and revisit the problem later.
Alone Time – We all need time to recharge and refuel. Taking time for yourself to meditate, participate in a hobby that you enjoy, rest, and get to know yourself better can help you be more self-aware, and can help bring balance into your life.
Journaling – Writing about our emotions can often help us better know ourselves and our needs, which in turn allows us to communicate them to our loved ones. Consider keeping a journal that isn’t for posterity or even for you to look through ever again. Write out exactly how you are feeling and what you are thinking, and don’t feel the need to justify or explain. Sometimes just getting it down on paper can help you feel a whole lot better!
Therapy – Sometimes we need professional help when it comes to processing our emotions. Consider going in to see a therapist alone, or with your partner if the problem involves them.
The key to handling our emotions in a healthy way is finding BALANCE. Negative emotions will come as we experience the ups and downs of everyday life. However, we have the choice and the power to acknowledge those feelings, allow ourselves to feel them, and either 1) let them motivate and change us as we deem beneficial to our lives and our relationships, or 2) let them go.
Cohen, A., Zemel, C., Colodner, R., Abu-Shkara, R., Masalha, R., Mahagna, L., & Barel, E. (2020). Interactive role of endocrine stress systems and reproductive hormones in the effects of stress on declarative memory. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 120. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2020.104807
Levine, E. E., & Wald, K. A. (2020). Fibbing about your feelings: How feigning happiness in the face of personal hardship affects trust. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 156, 135–154. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.obhdp.2019.05.004
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
“Rest and self-care are so important. When you take the time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”
–Eleanor Brown
Many of us are serving from empty vessels on a daily basis.
A Gallup news poll from December 2017 indicated that on average, 44% of Americans feel stressed. That number increases to 49% if you are female. If you have a job and a child, that number goes up to 59%. And people ages 18 to 49 experience the most stress at 54 and 56%. For most of us, life moves quickly and there are many demands on our time, energy, and mental load. Many of us feel overloaded. The effects of this are bigger than just feeling unhappy.
Stress can cause a myriad of issues, resulting in depression, anxiety, relationship difficulties, irritability, and general unhappiness. Our bodies often will manifest our stress as well. Our emotions play a role in many types of chronic conditions — in how they progress or how we experience the illness. Reviews of the research have indicated since the 1970’s that 60-80% doctors’ visits are stress related. Many of our common chronic physical complaints (i.e. chest, heart and abdominal pains, headaches, gastrointestinal issues) have been showed to be affected, caused or made worse by stress. This is not new information, yet we still aren’t taking it seriously.
Running on Empty
The analogy of a car can help us visualize why self-care is important and what kinds of self-care we need.
Our cars take a certain amount of attention to keep functioning. If we ignore the “E” light on our gas gauge or neglect regular maintenance, there are consequences. Not taking care of our vehicle means that it may stop running properly and it is no longer able to help us.
Our bodies and our minds also need attention. Eventually, neglect catches up. We may experience physical or emotional breakdown. To prevent that, we all need to have activities that maintain and repair.
A literature review of research studying the effects of self-care on those in caregiving professions (such as hospice workers and social workers), found that self-care was helpful in reducing burnout and symptoms of secondary trauma, and that it improved happiness. The review also showed that engaging in several types of self-care is more effective and protective than just doing one type of self-care. It would seem logical that what helps professional caregivers would be worth keeping in mind for all of us.
So What Is Self Care?
Self Care isn’t just bubble baths and chocolate. It isn’t just exercise and eating healthy. It isn’t just vacations or walks in the woods. It can be those things. And a hundred others….
Self Care isn’t one specific thing……..
It’s many habits, big and small, which together soothe and make sure we are functioning at our best — emotionally, mentally and physically.
Why is developing a habit of self-care important?
Your health and happiness depends on it.
You can’t give what you don’t have.
Martyrdom is overrated. We don’t have to suffer and sacrifice our happiness and wellbeing for the sake of others. What good are we then?
You are worth it.
Self-care needs to reflect and be flexible to our specific circumstances. Both our all-caps CIRCUMSTANCES — which are things not easily changed like your life stage or physical limitations, and our lowercase circumstances — which are things that change more frequently like if your kids are sick, if you have a really busy week. What you can do for self-care today may not be the same as what you could do last year, or even what you will be able to do next week.
Recognize You Need and Deserve It
“Taking care of your self doesn’t mean me first. It means me too.”
-L.R. Knost
Self-care isn’t selfish. Self-care doesn’t mean neglecting other people. Self-care allows you to have the emotional and physical resources to do all the things you want to do in your life.
If this is a hard idea, perhaps start thinking about the reasons to engage in self-care, about what it will do for you.
Still too hard?
Maybe all you can do is think about what you HOPE it will do. That’s a good enough place to start.
Then think about what is getting in your way. Do you need permission? Consider this your permission!
What else is in the way? Time? Money? Feeling unworthy of it?
Problem solve with someone who loves you and supports your efforts to care for yourself. It is possible to find things that refuel and renew with any budget and any time frame.
Make Time
“When you discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.”
– Jean Shinoda Bolen
Identify what refuels, rejuvenates and refreshes you. A self-care assessment can clarify what you are already doing and where gaps are in your self-care practices. Click this link for a self-care-assessment that identifies different kinds of self-care.
If you haven’t done anything for yourself in a while, you might have forgotten what you like!
Now build your self-care plan. Click here for a worksheet that will help you in creating your own personal self-care plan. Once you’ve identified a variety of activities that might work for you, it’s easier to schedule them into your day and your life.
Self-care can be big or small. Try to do something every day that is enjoyable for you. It may be a small thing, like savoring your favorite cold drink. It may be bigger like hanging out with a friend. You might already do something enjoyable every day, but not be aware of it. Bring your awareness to it, tell yourself “This is for me.” This acknowledgment increases your enjoyment, and increases its power to refresh you.
Self-care is by nature kind and self-compassionate. Be gentle to yourself as you try to learn this new habit. Anything you do is better than nothing. Start where you are. Make one small change, then another. And as you make those small changes, like adding coins to a pile, the effects of them grow. Soon you will find that your ability to handle stress increases, your tension is reduced and your love and appreciation for yourself grows. And that’s a nice way to live a life.
Reva Cook grew up around the world as an Air Force brat, gaining an appreciation and love for people of all walks of life. She received her BS degree from Brigham Young University and her MSW from the University of Utah. She has many years of experience working with those who are finding life hard to navigate. She has worked for Intermountain Healthcare as an ER crisis worker, and as Utah Valley Live Well Center’s LCSW. She is a therapist with The Healing Group, specializing in maternal mental health, motherhood, anxiety, and life transitions. She preaches the message of learning to love your real, imperfect, complicated life as a reoccurring guest on KSL’s Studio 5, in FB Live interviews with the baby cubby and Intermountain Moms, and on FB as Reva Cook and Instagram as @revacooklcsw. In her spare time, she juggles life with her husband Clint and their 4 kids and 3 cats.She enjoys funny memes, Diet Coke, and planning home DIY projects that occasionally actually happen.
Suicide has been at the forefront of my mind lately, especially with the recent tragic deaths of fashion designer Kate Spade on June 5, and chef Anthony Bourdain on June 8. Nearly every article recently published about this topic shares grim statistics and a list of resources for those struggling to receive help. However, numbers are impersonal, and celebrities sometimes seem abstract—and, it has come to my attention that there is a far greater population that we don’t often talk about: the people who struggle with suicidal ideation and tendencies, and who are here—living, breathing, working, laughing, and struggling with troubling thoughts that most of their friends and family may not be aware of.
For good measure, let’s first look at the numbers.
9.8 million people seriously thought about suicide
2.8 million people made a plan for suicide
1.3 million people attempted suicide
Nearly 45,000 people died from suicide
The number of people who seriously think about suicide is 3.5 times more than those who make a plan for suicide, and over 7.5 times more than those who attempt suicide. In this article, we’ll meet three individuals who struggle with suicidal ideation, who have offered to share their experiences.
*I should note that I know two of these individuals personally (and have had the privilege of getting to know the third through this project), and I had no idea that they have struggled with this. As you read their experiences, keep in mind that their experiences may easily mirror those of your closest friends and family members. You may just not know it yet.
Photo by ActionVance on Unsplash
To protect these individuals’ privacy, I’ll be referring to them as Annie, Megan, and Sarah. All are in their mid-to-late 20’s.
Part 1: Introductions
Annie began having suicidal thoughts when she was around 8 or 9 years old, triggered by family members’ survivalist tendencies and religious beliefs about apocalyptic prophecies, “signs of the times,” and the terrible things that would happen to the wicked people before the second coming of Christ. While the option of suicide was a last resort when she was younger, over time (and through various traumatic events in her life), the option came more quickly and often to the front of her mind. The suicidal thoughts were also heightened through the hormone imbalance PMDD—Pre-menstrual Dysphoric Disorder—a severe form of PMS that includes suicidal ideation as a possible symptom. She has attempted suicide twice.
Megan’s suicidal thoughts began soon after she was married—first through depression, which turned into self-destructive behavior, which quickly escalated into suicidal tendency. Because her suicidal thoughts began shortly after her marriage, both her and her husband struggled thinking the two situations were connected. Over time and with help, they were able to discover that the life change of getting married was a trigger rather than the root of the issue. More on that later in the article!
Sarah has experienced many traumas through her life so far, including feeling like an outcast in her adopted family, being told regularly what a failure and embarrassment she is to her family, and losing her childhood best friend in her senior year of high school. “Losing her hurt the most,” she states. “I have never been the same.” Sarah sought help in November 2015 after not sleeping for a week and was diagnosed bipolar. Shortly after her diagnosis she tried to commit suicide and (gratefully) failed. “I was overwhelmed and just tired of living,” she states. “I had nothing to live for.” She spent 23 days in a psych hospital, after which she attended a 2-month outpatient program. In February 2017 she gave birth to her first child. In December 2017 she overdosed and spent 11 days in the psych hospital.
Part 2: Creating a Team
Annie’s catalyst to seeking help came after she confided in her then-boyfriend. He felt helpless and unsure of how to help, and chose to end the relationship. Annie then decided to find help for her specific issues. She was able to find a therapist who was not only a suicidologist who had experience working with people with suicidal ideation, but also had a knowledge of PMDD. Annie shares, “[My therapist has] been an incredible help to me in not only feeling accepted despite my struggle with suicidal ideation but in working to retrain my mind to take pauses at moments when the thoughts typically arise, using coping statements to move past them, using grounding techniques, meditation, and even yoga.”
Photo from pexels.com
For Megan, help came when she was finally able to admit that she needed help, to recognize and talk about the problem, and then to see a specialist about it. “It took many doctor visits and a lot of time to learn that it was only a trigger — that it wasn’t because of the marriage, but because the huge life change essentially flipped a switch in my brain that started the depression and suicidal tendencies.” She continues, “Sometimes high stress situations will worsen it, but it’s been no different than any other illness that comes and goes randomly. I mean, if you get a cold and put stress on your body it’ll make it worse, but it’s not the root cause. It just happens, and it’s hard to disassociate it without blaming it on things in life or on people.” For Megan, the suicidal tendencies stem from a chemical imbalance, and recognizing that makes it easier for her—and her husband—to handle, and has even brought them closer. Being open about her struggles with those closest to her, and helping people understand that this is an illness, has been one of the best things for her.
Sarah also found outside help. She states, “What’s helped most is speaking to a counselor and just trying to make time for myself. I received a rock in outpatient therapy. It says ‘enough.’ The rock goes everywhere I go. It means more to me than anybody will ever understand. I struggle with self worth and feeling like I’m never enough. That rock constantly reminds me I am.”
While each of these women had their own unique journeys, their common path seems to be finding a therapist or other qualified professional to help them navigate their healing. Each of these professionals have different specialties, backgrounds, and personalities—and these women have found the professional who can best help them in their unique journey.
Part 3: What they’d like friends and family to know
Annie says: “Most people have no idea how to respond when someone confides in them about suicidal ideation. Which I totally get, it can be scary. But even if you don’t outright reject someone when they confide in you, sometimes certain responses can still feel like rejection. More often than not, suicidal thoughts will communicate to the person that they are unloved, are a burden, wouldn’t be missed, have nothing to contribute to the world, etc. and a lot of these thoughts can come from loneliness (at least they often do in my case). So helping that person feel accepted, loved, wanted, and included can make so MUCH of a difference. Being willing and patient enough to reassure someone of this repeatedly (for as long as they need it) can be helpful too.”
Photo by Christian Newman on Unsplash
She also notes that there’s a difference between someone who is suicidal and someone struggling with suicidal ideation. While Annie has struggled with suicidal ideation for most of her life, she has only been suicidal 2-3 times. “That’s not to say that suicidal ideation isn’t dangerous,” she notes. “It absolutely can be since it can always escalate. But it is good to know that [suicidal ideation and being suicidal] can be very different so that your immediate response maybe isn’t one of panic or fear but a desire to understand what the other person is actually experiencing so that you can actually help them more effectively.”
I followed up with Annie, asking how someone can recognize whether someone is suicidal as opposed to experiencing suicidal ideation. She said that the line is often different for different people, and can be imperceptible, even to those closest to them. In Annie’s opinion, the best thing someone can do is make sure their friends have access to resources, like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255), or the Crisis Text Line (Text CONNECT to 741741 in the United States). You can also sit down with your friend and help them navigate their healthcare options to find a therapist they’d be comfortable with.
Megan emphasizes the importance of recognizing that suicidal tendencies are often the result of chemical imbalances—and that this is a sickness, not a choice. “This is a hard thing to explain to someone who doesn’t struggle with suicidal tendencies, or know of someone who does, because it’s really weird to think of your own mind just doing this to yourself. People will equate it with things they are more familiar with, like the kid they knew in high school who decided life was too hard, or their own occasional depressed feelings after a tough breakup, or what they’ve seen on television and so on. Those are all real life experiences but they differ from suicidal tendency in that it’s solely an illness of the brain, a chemical imbalance, like the way cancerous cells take over the body.” Offering love and support is the best thing you can offer. Megan says, “Never underestimate the power of ‘I am here for you,’ ‘You can do this,’ a holding of the hand, even a smile.”
Sarah echoed these sentiments, adding: “I wish people would be compassionate and give us grace.”
Part 4: For those struggling with suicidal tendencies
Annie was very honest about her current place in this journey: “It absolutely sucks but you’re definitely not alone in this—more people experience this than you realize.” She continues, “Having these thoughts doesn’t mean you’re broken. You always have the power to change them and not to act on them. It might take time and a lot of effort, especially when you’re really struggling, but it’s doable. I’d like to say ‘It gets better,’ but I’m not personally there yet, so I can’t say that I personally know that for sure. I do know that the human mind can accomplish so many surprising things, that it doesn’t feel unreasonable to think that it’s possible to overcome suicidal ideation. I used to feel very certain that suicide would eventually be the end of me. Now, I’m at least somewhat hopeful that, maybe that won’t be the case.”
Photo from pexels.com
On a similar note, Megan says, “For anyone else that might be going through anything similar, I know this is not a helpful thing to hear now but it does get better, always. And do not be afraid to admit it, to be open about it, or to seek help. I remember hearing that while I was on the fence about it, and how much I felt it wasn’t for me. But everything changed for the better almost immediately after I stepped out of that bubble. And, while I still struggle with it sometimes, in hindsight I’m all the better for opening myself to it.”
Sarah offers us a closing declaration: “Don’t give up,” she says. “The journey is hard, but you have a purpose here. You are enough, even on the dark days you don’t see it. If you’re struggling, don’t be scared to reach out for help. Confide in someone you trust and love.”
Part 5: Resources
Thank you so much to these incredible women for sharing their experiences with suicidal ideation. I’m grateful that this conversation is open, and hope that your sharing will help others feel less alone.
Photo by Jonathan Rados on Unsplash
Over the last few weeks, as this topic has become more prevalent in the news and social media, one of the most impactful things I have read is a simple statement: Check on your strong friend.
You can’t always see suicidal thoughts or plans. You can’t always see depression, anxiety, or any other internal struggles. The strongest and happiest people you know may very well be fighting the most difficult battles within them. Show love to everyone. Offer friendship, compassion, and grace to those you know are struggling. Be willing to sit with those who are hurting. And know the resources, just in case.
Conrad, K. J., Bezruczko, N., Chan, Y.-F., Riley, B., Diamond, G., & Dennis, M. L. (2010). Screening for atypical suicide risk with person fit statistics among people presenting to alcohol and other drug treatment. Drug and Alcohol Dependence, 106(2–3), 92–100. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.drugalcdep.2009.07.023
Norlev, J., Davidsen, M., Sundaram, V., & Kjøller, M. (2005). Indicators Associated with Suicidal Ideation and Suicide Attempts Among 16-35-Year-Old Danes: A National Representative Population Study. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 35(3), 291–308. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1521/suli.2005.35.3.291
Vasiliadis, H.-M., Lamoureux-Lamarche, C., Pitrou, I., & Berbiche, D. (2020). Sex differences in type of lifetime trauma and suicidal ideation mediated by post-traumatic stress and anxio-depressive disorders in older adults. International Psychogeriatrics, 32(4), 473–483. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1017/S1041610219001893
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Psychologists and other social scientists have found over and over that forgiveness is an important part of personal mental health, and that forgiving is more for the forgiver than the forgiven. Forgiveness is an important skill across all personal and family relationships because all of us make mistakes, and all of us have been hurt in one way or another by someone we associate with. Research shows us that in strong relationships, couples forgive more readily, and that forgiveness fosters increased intimacy and trust.
Sometimes, though, it is hard to know what forgiveness really is. And our incorrect perceptions about forgiveness can make the idea a source of even greater mental stress, pain, or even anger. Some of us feel that if we forgive, the other person will not be held accountable. We feel that if we forgive, we are letting things go too much, and allowing ourselves to be mistreated and walked all over. Some of us believe that forgiveness is just moving on entirely and pretending that no wrong was ever committed at all. Not quite. So let me tell you what forgiveness is NOT.
1. Forgiveness is not removing accountability.
Just because you have forgiven someone does not mean that they aren’t responsible for their actions. All actions have consequences, good or bad. You can forgive someone and still not trust them, or still need something from them, or still expect them to make repairs – emotionally or physically.
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2. Forgiveness is not the same as reparation.
This ties into the previous point. Just because someone has been forgiven, does not mean they are no longer required to own up to the consequences of their actions. It simply means that no grudge is held or vengeance wanted.
3. Forgiveness is not allowing yourself to be a victim.
When we forgive someone for their wrongs, we are not saying, “Please, continue mistreating me.” We are not making ourselves doormats. When we forgive someone, we choose to take responsibility for our emotions and not harbor ill will, but that doesn’t mean that we forfeit the right to advocate for ourselves and our needs. Even with forgiveness, we still have room to state our expectations, be treated with respect, and in the worst cases, end unhealthy relationships.
Photo by Desola Lanre-Ologun on Unsplash
4. Forgiveness is not pretending you’re okay when you aren’t.
It is possible to say, “I forgive you, but this isn’t okay and we need to talk about it.” It is also possible to say, “I am hurt and angered by what was done; I’m not okay. But I want to be.” We can also say, “I want to work through this, but that means some changes need to be made.” Which brings us to my final point.
5. Forgiveness is not an instant event.
Remember that forgiveness, especially for the big offenses, does not always come overnight. Most of us are unable to forgive overnight when we are hurt, especially in the face of traumatic experiences. Forgiveness takes time, and that is absolutely okay. We are not even required to say, “I forgive you.” We are only expected to try – mostly for ourselves.
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We forgive for ourselves as much as for anyone else. By holding a grudge or seeking revenge, we prevent our own growth, mental health and happiness. Forgiveness is a process in which we free ourselves. It is us saying, “I am not okay with what happened, and I have boundaries. But I also do not make room in my life for negative space and grudges. I do not have to power struggle to be happy.”
References
Enright, R. D. (2001). Forgiveness is a choice: A step-by-step process for resolving anger and restoring hope. Washington, DC, US: American Psychological Association.
Lopez, S. J., & Snyder, C. R. (2011). Handbook of positive psychology. Oxford: Oxford Univ. Press.
Meek, W., Ph.D. (2012, July 26). Myths of Forgiveness. Retrieved June 4, 2018, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/notes-self/201207/myths-forgiveness
McCullough, M. E., & Witvliet, C. V. (2005). The Psychology of Forgiveness (S. J. Lopez, Ed.). In C. R. Snyder (Ed.), Handbook of positive psychology(pp. 448-455). Oxford: Oxford University Press.
Sweet, R. (2001). Forgiveness and Restoration. Retrieved June 4, 2018, from https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce-and-infidelity/forgiveness-and-restoration/forgiveness-what-it-is-and-what-it-isnt
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
