In the “Parks and Recreation” episode “Halloween Surprise” (S5 E5), character Ann Perkins shows up to a charity auction with a number of boxes of things to sell, each box with a different ex boyfriend’s name on it and very distinct items inside. Ann states:
“Recently, Leslie pointed out that sometimes when I date someone, I kind of adopt that person’s personality. The evidence is fairly damning. Chris Traeger: exercise phase. Andy Dwyer: my grunge phase. Tom Haverford: my needless shopping phase. Also, credit card debt phase.”
Ann had realized that she essentially becomes each of the guys she dates. While Ann’s situation may be a slight exaggeration, I can easily name my own ex boxes, containing items related to things like scuba diving, anime, kung fu movies, ultra running, Thai food, sports, what have you. Learning new things and acquiring new hobbies is never bad, but am I holding onto my own hobbies, pleasures and personality?
If you don’t have ex boxes, you may have other boxes: parenting boxes, work boxes, friend boxes, travel boxes, hardship boxes, etc. These boxes aren’t bad—they can be helpful, and are very normal! But are we taking time to connect to our core selves?
…Do we even know who our core selves are?
Photo by Timur Romanov on Unsplash
At the very core of who we each individually are, we find our values. Values, according to a recent article by clinical psychologist Steven C. Hayes, are “expressions of what you care about …profoundly inform what you pursue day to day, year to year. …They give life direction, help us persist through difficulties. They nudge us, invite us, and draw us forward. They provide constant soft encouragement.”
Of values, author Mark Manson writes, “What are we choosing to give a [expletive] about? What values are we choosing to base our actions on? What metrics are we choosing to use to measure our life? And are those good choices—good values and good metrics?” Regardless of how you say it, choosing our values, and remembering and consciously living your values each and every day, can help you stay more connected to your core self, no matter what life brings.
You’ll then have one primary box: YOUR box with YOUR name on it.
My box has evolved over the years, but it currently looks something like this: I value physical activity—primarily running, hiking, and yoga—because they help me feel good physically and emotionally. I value creativity because creating things helps me feel happy and fulfilled. I value building a relationship with God through study and prayer because that relationship is steady, and brings me purpose and hope. I value serving others and being mindful of others because those acts help me feel closer to God.
It’s taken me years to define those values, and they will surely continue to evolve over time as I continue to grow as well, but there you have it: The Allie Box as of December 2018.
I love the “Love, Me” section on the Healthy Humans Project website. It’s all about refocusing our relationships with ourselves—remembering who we are at our core. These are things I want to remember as we begin the new year.
Start the new year by writing your personal manifesto or mission statement. Declare your values and beliefs. Share your interests and passions. Take 5 minutes to write it all down, then refine it from there. Keep this file on your computer, or print it out and hang it somewhere you can read it often.
References
Halloween Surprise [Television series episode]. (2012, October 25). In Parks and Recreation. CBS.
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Have you ever made a New Year’s Resolution? How long did you stick with it before life got in the way?
It happens to all of us. We have grand plans of things we are going to accomplish, but then something happens, and we never reach our goal. Why not?
Often, it is because the actual goal we set was lacking in some way. Research shows that there are attributes of goal setting that make us more likely to achieve our goals. That is why SMART goals have become so popular in recent years. Originally based on the goal setting theory of Locke and Latham, SMART is a convenient acronym for some of the attributes that goals should have if we want to actually achieve them. While there is not complete uniformity in the words different organizations use to fit to the acronym, I have chosen those words that research best supports.
Photo by Abigail Low on Unsplash
S – Specific: Making a goal specific is the first, and potentially most important, factor in effective goal setting. Research shows that specific goals lead to higher performance than vague, abstract, or no goals. So, while goals like, “be more grateful for what I have” are well-intentioned, they need to be more specific to actually make them happen. For example: Every evening, I will write down 3 things I am grateful for from that day. That is a goal where you can actually see a way to follow through.
M – Motivation: If you don’t have a reason behind your goal that means something to you, why are you setting the goal? You need to have some form of motivation if you are going to achieve your goal, and motivation typically comes from some kind of reward. That can be an external reward, such as a something given to you, or an internal reward, such as a meaningful purpose, an intellectual challenge, or a sense of accomplishment. The most powerful motivations usually include a combination of internal and external rewards. Pick a reward for achieving your goal that is meaningful to you – make sure it is something that will be motivating even when your goal seems most challenging.
A – Accountable: If you are setting good goals, but you’re struggling to stick with them, you may need someone to hold you accountable. Accountability has been found to result in significantly higher goals being reached than when there is no accountability. It is also important to pick an accountability partner who won’t let you make excuses. While there can be valid reasons for not achieving your goal, you need an accountability partner who sets the bar high for what counts or doesn’t count as valid.
R – Realistic & Relevant: I couldn’t pick just one word for the R, because both realistic goals and relevant goals are very important. Realistic goals are challenging, yet achievable given your current circumstances. If there’s no hope of success, motivation is hard to find — so set goals you can realistically succeed at. Relevant goals also help with motivation to stick with your goals. Relevant goals are sub-goals to larger, overarching goals you have in your life. While doing something just for the sake of accomplishment can be fun, motivation to stick with a goal is often found when succeeding at the goal will be useful to you in the future. Reading all the books on the New York Times Top 10 list may be a fun way to read things you might otherwise not, but making your own list of books to read that have information useful for your personal life is more relevant and gives you more reason to actually read them.
T – Time-bound: Give yourself a deadline. It gives you motivation to get it done, and when you’ve succeeded, you can set a new SMART goal relevant to one of your overarching life goals.
Set a SMART goal for the New Year, for any area of your life! Write it down and decide now what you are going to do to achieve your goal. And remember, your deadline doesn’t have to be the end of the year. You can do a smaller goal each month that adds up to something big.
Bonus Challenge:Set a SMART goal that relates specifically to improving one of your personal relationships. Keep an eye out for our monthly calendars over the next few months for ideas for what you can do each day to make your relationships more meaningful!
References
Frink, D. D. & Ferris, G. R. (1998). Accountability, impression management, and goal setting in the performance evaluation process. Human Relations, 51(10), 1259-1283.
Locke, E. A. & Latham, G. P. (1990). A theory of goal setting and task performance. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice-Hall.
Locke, E., & Latham, G. P. (2019). Reply to commentaries on “The development of goal setting theory: A half century retrospective.” Motivation Science, 5(2), 114–115. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/mot0000145
MacLeod, L. (2012, March-April). Making SMART goals smarter. Physician Executive, 38(2), 68+.
Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
My name is McKay, and I am a self-proclaimed self-love enthusiast:
I spent approximately two decades of my life hating just about every piece of me, and that was two decades too many. I always focused on what others were doing better than me; I thought I wasn’t doing enough for the people in my life, but the reality was that I wasn’t doing enough for myself.
As we approach the winter holidays, we seem to be surrounded by choruses of “serve others” and “it’s all about giving, not receiving!” Everyone — myself included — seems to get bitten by the giving season bug, and I often have to remind myself that you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Photo from @revelatori
Genuine, healthy self-esteem is powerful:
In the times when I struggled most to love myself, I tried my best to serve other people. I was taught at church and in school, after all, that it would make me feel better. But every time I took time to give, I ended up feeling even more empty inside than I had before. I began to resent service, and therefore, to resent myself. I should be doing more for my fellow man! And I should like it! Right?
Wrong. I was at a point in my mental and physical health where I literally could not give any more. I wasn’t meeting my own needs, and with a budding hatred for who I was and how poorly my life seemed to be going, I hit rock bottom.
Then I decided I had had enough. I looked around myself and began to rebuild. I wrote down the nice things that people said about me when I couldn’t think of anything nice to say about myself. I painstakingly wrote out body-positive quotes and covered my mirror in them. I focused on myself and my needs for once, and things started to get better.
“Cultivate the habit of checking how full your cup really is. You might be surprised by how low your reserves have gotten – far better to realize and remedy this now, than later.”
– Dr. Susan Biali
As I made the very conscious decision to change my view of myself, things throughout my life began to drastically improve. Now, I’m able to build closer relationships with those around me. I am able to recognize what friendships in my life are healthy, and how to maintain and grow those relationships. I have had more success in my career. I have increased my love of my God and built upon my relationship with Him. My positive view of myself has helped to bring positivity to every aspect of my life!
Photo from pexels.com
The most important relationship:
One study by Cheng & Furnham (2003) found that high self-esteem was directly linked with happiness, whereas low self-esteem was directly linked with depression. These correlations with self-esteem were higher than with any other factor, such as personality traits, like extraversion, or even “aspects of life”, like romance (Cheng & Furnham, 2003). Simply put, how you feel about yourself greatly reflects onto your life as a whole, particularly when it comes to mental health, and your capacity to share yourself with others.
The truth is that the most significant relationship that you will have with someone on this earth is the relationship that you have with yourself. In society today – especially among women – we aren’t taught to put ourselves first. This desperately needs to change! Your needs are as important as another’s, even if it’s easy to forget. Loving yourself can bring light, strength, and love for others into your life. So many of my problems can be traced back to my battle with low self-esteem. I know that loving myself is something I’ll have to intentionally work towards my entire life, but I am working on it, and so can you. When all seems lost, research shows that having self-esteem can help you persist.
Write down five things that you like about yourself. They can be physical or not, just whatever comes to mind easiest! If you honestly cannot think of five things, ask a friend. Physically write them down and put your list somewhere you can look at throughout the week to remind yourself of some of the reasons you’re great!
Cheng, H., & Furnham, A. (2003). Personality, self-esteem, and demographic predictions of happiness and depression. Personality and individual differences, 34(6), 921-942. http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/S0191-8869(02)00078-8
Leveto, J. A. (2020). Exploring the relationships between discrepancies in perceptions of emotional performance among college students on self-esteem and psychological distress. Current Psychology: A Journal for Diverse Perspectives on Diverse Psychological Issues, 39(5), 1661–1673. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s12144-018-9857-z
Mruk, C. J. (2006). Self-esteem research, theory, and practice: Toward a positive psychology of self-esteem. Springer Publishing Company.
McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
Over the last fifty years, humankind has accrued more and more wealth, developed technology to increase our comfort and ease of living, and improved the quality of life of people all over the world. And yet, believe it or not, over the years our happiness levels as a species has remained relatively the same. Why is this? In his book, “When Likes Aren’t Enough: A Crash Course in the Science of Happiness” (2018), psychologist Tim Bono outlines a measure for happiness that may explain this frustrating phenomenon:
Happiness = What you Have / What you Want
If you don’t like math, stick with me, I’ll explain. According to this equation, we have two options for increasing the amount of happiness we experience from day to day. We can either 1) increase what we have, or 2) decrease what we want.
By nature of our current society, we are already constantly working to increase what we have. We go to school to get jobs that allow us to make more money to buy more stuff. However, research has shown that just because you have more stuff does not mean that you are actually happier. This is partially due to the fact that we naturally adapt to new environments. Apparently, increasing what we have only brings temporary satisfaction because we quickly adjust to a “new normal”. Think of when you first get a new phone – it’s fun and exciting to explore all of the new features and to personalize everything. After a while, though, the novelty wears off. What was once new and novel becomes “same-old” once again.
Photo by Lorenzo Rui on Unsplash
Getting more stuff also doesn’t automatically increase your happiness because the second half of the equation, what you want, is also constantly increasing. This is compounded in particular by social media. We are constantly bombarded with others’ idealized lives, and this tends to make what we have seem like not enough.
So how do we stop this equation from getting so out of proportion? The answer is a matter of shifting our perspective from what we want, to what we already have. In other words, we need to practice GRATITUDE.
The Power of Gratitude
Research has shown that actively practicing gratitude in our daily lives can actually significantly increase our happiness (Llenares et al., 2020). One particular study found that a group of young adults who kept a weekly record of the positive things that happened in their lives, “felt significantly better about their lives overall, were more optimistic about the week ahead, and even got sick less frequently,” than a comparison group who kept track of the hassles that happened during their week (Bono, 2018). Focusing on gratitude shifts our perspective. It allows us to move from away from the emptiness of what we lack, and to move towards appreciating the fullness of what is already ours. It can also help us look outside ourselves towards others and how we can use our influence and what we have to help them find more meaning and bounty in their lives.
Photo from pexels.com
Furthermore, research on the brain has shown that the more we practice gratitude, the easier it actually becomes for us to automatically focus on gratitude. Consistently turning our thoughts towards what we are blessed with creates pathways in our brains that eventually cause us to more readily think about what we are grateful for.
Here are a few ideas that can help you make a habit of practicing gratitude:
Congratulate Someone: Next time you see someone sharing good news on social media (maybe even something that you feel a little jealous of), make an effort to reach out and congratulate them. Sharing in someone’s joy rather than giving in to the green monster of envy can help brighten their day, and shift your focus back to what you’ve been blessed with in your life!
Gratitude Journal: Taking the time to physically write out the things that you are grateful for, whether it’s once a day, once a week, or once a month can help you keep track of your gratitude, and will help you actively look for things that you are grateful for. This can be something for you to treasure, especially if you are going through something that makes it difficult for you to practice gratitude. Remember, the more often you practice, the better you can re-train your brain to focus on what you have!
Writing Letters: Think of someone who has impacted you in your life, and take the time to write them a letter expressing your appreciation (if you don’t have time to hand-write something, send them an email or even a Facebook message!). Not only will this help you think of and be grateful for the ways that other people have blessed your life, but it will make someone’s day as well! Click here for a free download we’ve created to help you write someone a thank you letter.
Share With a Partner: You can actually kill two birds with one stone by sharing what you are grateful for with your partner or someone you love. Practicing gratitude with another person helps you as you work to re-wire your brain for gratitude, and it also gives you some time to connect and be open with your partner – things that are essential for strong and healthy relationships!
Practicing gratitude is guaranteed to increase the happiness you feel in your life. And while it may not seem like you have much initially, the more you practice, the more you will find to be grateful for! So, give gratitude a try. What have you got to lose?
Choose one way to increase your happiness by practicing gratitude this week!
Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/0022-3514.84.2.377
Hui, Q.-P., He, A.-M., & Liu, H.-S. (2015). A situational experiment about the relationship among gratitude, indebtedness, happiness and helping behavior. Chinese Mental Health Journal, 29(11), 852–857.
Llenares, I. I., Deocaris, C. C., Espanola, M., & Sario, J. A. (2020). Gratitude moderates the relationship between happiness and resilience. The International Journal of Emotional Education, 12(2), 103–108.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Think of the last time you felt lonely. Now think of the last time you were isolated. Did you think of the same time for both? Or were you isolated and not lonely, or lonely but not isolated? For me, the last time I felt lonely was when I was in a crowd – lonely, but not isolated. When I missed church due to illness, I appreciated the break from people – isolated, but not lonely. The second week in a row that I missed church due to illness, I’d had my break and I wanted to see everyone again – isolated and lonely.
Do you see the difference now? In regular life, we often don’t differentiate between feeling lonely and being isolated. In research, these are distinct concepts that must be defined: Isolation isn’t about feelings. It’s when you have few social relationships or do not have frequent social contact. Loneliness, on the other hand, is the feeling you get when you have less social connection that you want to have.
Photo by Bonnie Kittle on Unsplash
And so it is that being isolated is not inherently unhealthy, but loneliness is. Of course, everyone feels lonely now and again. That’s perfectly normal. It is in excess when loneliness becomes dangerous. An article that looked at data from 148 different studies on social connection and mortality found that loneliness is as damaging to physical health as smoking and alcohol and is more damaging than obesity and lack of exercise.
Feeling lonely most of the time isn’t just unpleasant– It can actually shorten your lifespan.
So what do you do if you are both isolated and lonely? Start by decreasing your isolation:
Attend a creative class: Your local YMCA, community center, or craft shops likely offer classes for different creative activities – cooking, crafts, etc. You may never get good at whatever it is, but it will still give you the chance to meet people and bond over your mutual inability to make a clay mug that actually looks like a mug.
Join a local sports team or club: Explore the options in the community for competitive or recreational adult sports. If you’re into team sports, join a team – it’ll get you out of the house, get you exercise, and give you the opportunity to bond with your new teammates. If you’re into solo sports like tennis, you still need someone to play against – join a club where you can regularly find opponents, and reach out to the other players you regularly see there.
Make an effort at work: Spend time in the common areas at work, especially while those areas are being used for lunch – the more you eat lunch and make conversation with your coworkers, the more likely that you will start spending time with them outside of work too.
Volunteer: Pick a cause that means something to you and find a place nearby where you can volunteer – you’ll be making the world a better place and meeting new people at the same time.
Attend community events: Find inexpensive or free events in your community that interest you and make the time to attend some of them. While you’re there, don’t be afraid to strike up a conversation with a stranger – the fact that you both thought the event was worth attending means you already have something in common (even if you’re both just there for the free food).
Photo from pexels.com
Now raise your hand if you’ve tried all these things and you’re still feeling lonely. If this is you, think about this:
“In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.”
This idea of allowing ourselves to be seen – that is vulnerability. It is taking the risk, exposing ourselves to another person, not knowing how they are going to react. It is being courageous – telling “the story of who you are with your whole heart” (Brené Brown, The Power of Vulnerability).
Brené Brown’s research tells us that those who are courageous, those who are whole-hearted, “They [have] connection… as a result of authenticity. They [are] willing to let go of who they [think] they should be, in order to be who they [are].”
They allow themselves to be seen.
It is the quality of connection that matters, not the quantity. And to truly create quality connections with others, we must be authentic. We must have the courage to be vulnerable, to open up, to share things that matter deeply to us. Vulnerability is not comfortable, but it is necessary. It is fundamental to building connections with others – the connections we need in order to not feel lonely whether we’re in a crowd or staying home tonight.
Photo from pexels.com
“Vulnerability is … the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love.”
-Brené Brown
When you dare to be vulnerable, you don’t just open yourself up to deeper social connections. You also open yourself up to all the positive emotions — from not having to hide who you are for fear of judgment; from allowing yourself to really be seen and having someone accept you for who you are in your entirety. That can change your life, if you let it.
Embracing vulnerability takes time, but you can take the first step on that journey now. This week, pick one person in your life with whom you would like a deeper connection. Think about everything that person doesn’t know about you, and pick one of those things to tell that person this week. Try to not pick a safe option, something that you can predict their response to. Try to pick something to share that you aren’t sure will garner a positive reaction. See how your connection can deepen as you allow yourself to be seen.
Brown, B. (2017). Braving the wilderness: The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone. New York: Random House.
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Med 7(7), 1-20. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
Koyama, Y., Nawa, N., Yamaoka, Y., Nishimura, H., Sonoda, S., Kuramochi, J., Miyazaki, Y., & Fujiwara, T. (2021). Interplay between social isolation and loneliness and chronic systemic inflammation during the COVID-19 pandemic in Japan: Results from U-CORONA study. Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, 94, 51–59. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.bbi.2021.03.007
Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
Choose one way to increase your happiness by practicing gratitude this week!
