The word brings incredibly deep despair, discouragement, pain and heartache. A diagnosis of infertility brings with it a drastic change in identity. Men and women’s identities are biologically, psychologically, socially, and often spiritually entwined in being able to create life. And while 85% of couples are able to get pregnant without extraordinary measures, often “accidentally”, the other 15% of couples are emotionally exhausted, stressed, and lonely.
I want you to understand the stress that your loved ones are facing. The sense of loss is great. The struggle is significant. And if you can understand, then you can really help. And we want you to understand and help.
How bad is the stress?
Turns out, that women undergoing infertility treatment exhibit the same stress levels that cancer patients do. And many cancer survivors who struggled with infertility after their cancer reported that their stress during infertility was higher than when they were undergoing cancer treatment. They reported feeling more isolated, having less support from loved ones, and reported a significant impact on their sense of individuality and identity (Gurevich, 2016). The likelihood of an infertile woman experiencing a severe depressive episode is estimated to be nearly four times higher than for fertile women (Domar, et al., 2005). Men are more likely to receive hurtful comments about their infertility than women are. Many men dealing with infertility experience stress, particularly if they withdraw, do not seek social support, and desire children comparable to the degree their female counterparts do. Men receive less support and are subject to more thoughtless commentary than women, especially in the workplace (Fisher & Hammarberg, 2011).
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Infertility is a crisis, affecting not only physiology, but also finances and other resources, couple relationships, sexual functioning, social connections, immediate and long term goals and life plans, and family and social relationships (Rubin, 2001).
Finances
Finances are another obvious stressor. Most insurance companies do not cover infertility treatment because it is “elective”. Currently, 35 states do not require insurance companies to provide any kind of fertility coverage. The 15 states that do mandate insurance coverage vary in their requirements, and across the nation, very few companies cover more than testing for the diagnosis of infertility issues. The few companies that do cover IVF (in vitro fertilization) usually have a lifetime cap of $10,000-$25,000. When you consider that one cycle of IVF costs $12,000-$15,000, and that two-thirds of women don’t have a successful birth until after the 6th cycle, the numbers quickly become overwhelming. With these odds, a couple could easily pay $50,000 out of pocket, IF they live in one of 15 states covering IVF, with the very best case scenario of a $25,000 lifetime coverage plan And this doesn’t even include prenatal or postnatal care, by the way. This is just getting the bun in the oven.
Sex
Another contributing factor to infertility-related stress is the dramatic change in sex life. For most people, sex is a fun, and extremely meaningful part of a relationship that helps people connect and bond with one another. It is an expression of love, trust, and vulnerability. But when going through infertility, sex becomes a scheduled medical procedure based on body temperature and ovulation schedule, rather than intimacy and love (Rubin, 2001).
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Biological Factors and Medical Treatments
Do not even get me started on the hormone levels. That’s a whole other rabbit hole. Imagine your wife having those wild pregnancy hormones and crippling stress….but no baby. Nothing to show for it. Just persistent hormones and mood swings…and an empty uterus. Whether it’s a couple of simple medications, IUI, or IVF, infertility treatment is hard, and every failed attempt restarts the hope-despair cycle, contributing to the increase of severe depressive episodes experienced by those struggling with infertility.
Stigma and Hurtful (even if unintentional) Comments and Actions
Because infertility is not normative, those battling it often feel the need to make excuses or explain their conditions because of the way others treat them, as if the condition is somehow inappropriate or wrong. This helps to explain the social aspects, and not merely physical aspects of infertility, and how the stigmas surrounding it can socially and psychologically damage infertile couples further. Researchers have addressed the social psychology of infertility, explaining further that infertility is an unwanted social status, and therefore carries a stigma (Matthews & Matthews, 1986). Because of stigmas and fear of hurtful or unsupportive treatment, 15% of women and 19% of men do not tell their families when they are undergoing IVF treatment and 23% of couples have not told both sets of parents, only one. (Peters, et al., 2005). The trouble with this is that those who are generally expected and hoped to be closest to a couple are not part of their support system, making them more susceptible to mental illnesses like depression. And men are more likely to receive hurtful comments than women (Fisher & Hammarberg, 2011).
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How to help
Increasing positive self-perception is a critical part of managing the negative impacts of infertility (Raque-Bogdan & Hoffman, 2010). Helping your loved ones to identify their positive qualities and working to refrain from insinuating that they are less of a person because of that infertility (it may sound obvious, but people make comments without meaning to more often than they even realize) is essential.
It is unlikely that people will ask, but when possible and appropriate, helping by contributing financially is incredibly helpful. At the beginning of the year, my husband and I were blessed tremendously. Generous friends sent us a check, which immediately went into an account my husband and I have just for infertility treatments. We certainly have a long way to go, but the amount of stress this relieved was indescribable, and our gratitude matched it.
Please do not attempt to help with the sex life portion of stress. Leave that one to us. Frequently men have suggested sex positions to my husband. Sex positions aiding in fertility are myths, and a couple’s sex life is their own. It is not a conversation for you to initiate.
Ask appropriate questions. Sometimes we need to talk about it. I know it can be awkward for you, but it means a lot when you say, “Hey, how are you doing with the infertility stuff?” And you can even say “stuff” if you don’t know what to say. And if we say, “okay” or “fine”, take it with a grain of salt. A coworker recently approached me and asked how my “infertility journey” was going. She didn’t give advice. She just listened and validated. We only spoke for about five minutes, but I cannot tell you how much that simple conversation meant. Please be mindful that your questions do not become intrusive: “When are you going to take on a more intense form of treatment?”, for example, is a deeply personal question.
We’re going to be okay. We know that. But for now, we press forward. We look for temporary distractions, many of us attend grief and/or marriage counseling, and central to our health is finding other parts of our identity, searching for meaning in other places. It is hard – some days it seems impossible – but we will be okay. And we greatly appreciate all the love, generosity, support and empathy you provide.
Check in with a friend or family member struggling with infertility. Take a moment to be a good friend: an active, empathetic listener.
References
DOMAR, A., PENZIAS, A., DUSEK, J., MAGNA, A., MERARIM, D., NIELSEN, B., & PAUL, D. (2005). The stress and distress of infertility: Does religion help women cope? Sexuality, Reproduction and Menopause, 3(2), 45-51. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sram.2005.09.007
Gurevich, R. (2016, August 2). What Infertility, Trauma, and Cancer Survivors Have in Common. Retrieved February 16, 2017, from https://www.verywell.com/how-infertility-Cancer-trauma-survivors-are-similar-1959993
Fisher, J. R., & Hammarberg, K. (2011). Psychological and social aspects of infertility in men: An overview of the evidence and implications for psychologically informed clinical care and future research. Asian Journal of Andrology, 14(1), 121-129. https://doi.org/10.1038/aja.2011.72
Matthews, A. M., & Matthews, R. (1986). Beyond the mechanics of infertility: Perspectives on the social psychology of infertility and involuntary childlessness. Family Relations, 35(4), 479. https://doi.org/10.2307/584507
Peters, C., Kantaris, X., Barnes, J., & Sutcliffe, A. (2005). Parental attitudes toward disclosure of the mode of conception to their child conceived by in vitro fertilization. Fertility and Sterility, 83(4), 914-919. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.fertnstert.2004.12.019
Raque-Bogdan, T. L., & Hoffman, M. (2010). Self-Perception, Hope and Well-Being in Women Experiencing Infertility. American Psychological Association 2010 Conference Presentation.
Rubin, H. D. (2001). The impact and meaning of childlessness: an interview study of childless women (Unpublished doctoral dissertation).
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
When good things happen to us, we inevitably want to share it with others. This is a social process known as capitalization. This process includes the individual sharing their good news (capitalizers) and the person(s) to whom they retell their news (responders) (Peters, et al., 2018). No matter which role you play in this social process, the positive outcomes are equally beneficial.
If you’re like me, celebrating the successes of others comes easy. However, I typically lack the vulnerability necessary to share my own successes with others. Previous to researching the art of celebration, I would’ve seen sharing my good news with others as ‘tooting my own horn’ or bragging. In reality, by withholding my good news or cause for celebration, I am limiting the potential of creating a celebration and positivity cycle that is mutually beneficial for myself and all those around me.
The Celebration and Positivity Cycle
If you have something positive to share, you already experience a mood boost from your success. This great feeling only increases when you share your good news with others, allowing them to experience a similar mood boost. I like to call this, the celebration and positivity cycle. The more you share positive information, the happier you’ll be. Likewise, you’re giving someone the opportunity to relish in that same positivity.
So where does this happiness come from? Is it the actual good news, the retelling of the news or hearing the news that generates this happiness? The answer is ALL OF THE ABOVE! In fact, this positivity cycle is so contagious that you don’t even have to be friends with someone to experience the benefits of celebration. In a recent study, psychologists found that capitalizers and responders both experienced increased positivity in regardless of whether or not they had an existing relationship (Conoley, et al., 2015). This means the positive benefits derived from capitalization are not exclusive to just close relationships, but that friends and strangers alike have equal potential to engage in the celebration and positivity cycle. We all benefit from good news, no matter the source!
Threats to the Cycle
In order to continue receiving the benefits of celebration, we need to understand possible threats to the cycle. The biggest threat to our continued happiness is low‐self‐esteem and the adverse feelings that often accompany it (jealousy, insecurity, resentment..etc.). Self-esteem mediates our perception and can distort reality if we don’t have a favorable relationship with ourselves. Research indicates that individuals with low‐self‐esteem perceive less partner enthusiasm about their good news, while those with high‐self‐esteem perceive more partner enthusiasm (Reis, et al., 2012). How celebrated we feel is directly linked to our self‐esteem. The more comfortable we feel with ourselves, the more validated we feel by others in our celebration.
Practice being vulnerable and share your good news with someone! Consider how you feel others received it as this may reflect your own level of self‐esteem.
References
Conoley, C. W., Vasquez, E., Bello, B. D., Oromendia, M. F., & Jeske, D. R. (2015). Celebrating the accomplishments of others. The Counseling Psychologist, 43(5), 734-751. https://doi.org/10.1177/0011000015584066
Marigold, D. C., Cavallo, J. V., & Hirniak, A. (2019). Subjective perception or objective reality? How recipients’ self-esteem influences perceived and actual provider responsiveness in support contexts. Self and Identity. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/15298868.2019.1652681
Peters, B. J., Reis, H. T., & Gable, S. L. (2018). Making the good even better: A review and theoretical model of interpersonal capitalization. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 12(7), e12407. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12407
Reis, Harry T., Smith, Shannon M. (2012). Perceived Responses to Capitalization Attempts are Influenced by Self-Esteem and Relationship Threat. Journal of the International Association for Relationship Research, 19(2), 367–385. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2011.01367.x
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
Money can stress me out—and it has likely stressed you out to some extent, too.
I really didn’t learn to be financially responsible until over the last few years. I’m very fortunate to have been raised in an upper-middle-class family, where providing for our education was important to my parents (read: no student debt, thank goodness), and where my parents would kindly bail me out if I were in any financial troubles (read: when I racked up a bit of credit card debt as a young adult). But that also meant that I just didn’t gain experience managing my own finances. The one college class I took on the subject, Family Finance, didn’t even seem to apply to me—a poor, single college student. I didn’t need information on how or where to invest my money (WHAT MONEY??!). I needed to know that I had the potential to earn, save, and spend my money wisely, and how to do all of that from the ground up.
A couple of years ago I took a Personal Finance class in my community and suddenly it clicked. While I still don’t have everything figured out, the most important thing I’ve put into practice is where I put my money when I earn it, and in what order I put it there. Whether you are poor or rich, single or in a committed money-sharing relationship, this is my favorite finance principle right now.
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When I receive a paycheck, I distribute my money in the following order (this order is also suggested by various financial professionals):
1. Charitable giving. For me, that means donating tithes and offerings to my church. This percentage comes out first, before I do anything else. If you don’t give to a charitable organization, you can just skip on over to number 2.
2. A one-month emergency fund. Before I even pay down a credit card, I put a percentage of my income into my savings account to work toward my one-month emergency fund. I want to have this emergency fund before I really start paying off debt. The reason: If I have an unexpected cost arise (medical bills, car problems, etc.), and don’t have an emergency fund, it will just add more debt to my name, compounding the problem further. The emergency fund helps break that cycle of debt. Consider starting with an emergency fund of at least $1000 before you begin paying off debt.
3. Paying off debt. While I’m building my emergency fund, I will just pay the minimum on credit cards or any other debt payments I’m making. When my emergency fund is solid, I can start paying off my debt with that portion of income instead. There are different strategies to paying off debt, especially if you have multiple debts to pay off. You can read more about the Debt Snowball and Debt Avalanche methods here.
4. Current needs. This includes paying rent, for groceries, and any other day-to-day needs. This is where it’s so handy to have a budget—to make sure you keep your ongoing expenses low and can build that emergency fund, pay off debt, and still have some money left over to treat yo’ self (occasionally at least)! When you’re building your budget, be sure to look at things like fixed expenses (set costs that you’ll have every month, like rent) and variable expenses (expenses that may not be the same every month, like eating out or entertainment expenses). Your budget will continually change as your financial needs change, so don’t feel like the budget you create right now is set in stone, but it will act as a starting point for greater financial awareness and guidance.
5. When my one-month emergency fund is built up and my debt is all paid off, THEN I can begin building my savings account further. This opens the door for opportunities like investments, down payments on larger purchases, or other opportunities.
Following these steps won’t get you out of debt overnight, but hopefully, it will increase your confidence in your ability to manage your finances, help break any debt cycles you may be in, and make money a bit less stressful than it was before.
Where is your financial focus right now?—Are you stressed about debt? Do you have enough money set aside in case of an emergency? Are you working toward saving for a larger purchase or to invest?
Decide what your current financial focus is, then use these steps to make help you make a plan.
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Do you ever find yourself feeling unsatisfied with where you are at?
Do you sometimes get overwhelmed by the struggles and problems you are facing?
Is there something you are currently working towards or hoping for, that you feel like would fix it all if you just had it now?
Many of us struggle at times with feeling like the grass is greener on the other side, or that our lives would be so much better if we just had another life accomplishment checked off our list. It doesn’t help that we are constantly being bombarded with everyone else’s life accomplishments and edited-to-perfection realities (thanks, social media). Seeing how everyone else’s lives are being made better (or so it would seem) by all of these events can cause us to get the wrong idea about what will bring improvement in our own lives.
Photo by Georgy Trofimov on Unsplash
In a world where everyone’s steps forward through life are constantly on display for all to see, it can be easy to fall prey to the idea that, “If I just find a boyfriend…”, “If I just get married…”, “If I just get my degree…”, “If I just get pregnant…etc etc…everything will be better!” This is a very dangerous thought process that causes a lot more harm than help to us and to our relationships.
Research has shown that taking a big life step in order to “fix” a problem actually does the opposite. Researcher Brené Brown calls this The Magnification Principle. “Through the research process, I have come to believe that whatever problems you take into a life event will become instantly magnified the moment the hoopla surrounding that life event comes to a close…Whatever problems you and your partner take into a marriage get magnified. The same thing applies to having children. Not only are the issues staying, they’re going to get more complicated and complex.” (Brown, 210)
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When we look at our lives and expect that our problems will be fixed by an unknown future, we set ourselves up for a whole lot of heartache. The problem is in the unrealistic expectation. When our expectations are flawed by nature, we are automatically setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment. When our issues are magnified rather than miraculously healed by a life event, we feel let down, frustrated, and maybe even hopeless. Having realistic expectations, on the other hand, can help us to face our problems with more intentionality, and come up with strategies that will actually help us heal rather than magnify our issues.
Now, I am NOT saying that you should always postpone a life step because of issues that you are currently facing. We all have things that we are working through, and by no means should we refuse to make a move towards progress because we don’t feel that we are perfectly ready. Most likely, you will never actually be “perfectly” ready for a major life event! However, as you approach these life-changing steps forward, it is important to evaluate your personal issues, and take steps for addressing them. Learning to face problems where you are at now rather than expecting that they will be fixed later on will help you be more prepared as you move forward in life. Work to communicate, set healthy boundaries, and utilize the resources that you have at your disposal to help you. Furthermore, if you are facing more serious problems such as mental health issues, serious financial problems, marital or relationship discord or domestic abuse, etc., it might be a very good idea to put things on pause, and get help now rather than assuming things will straighten themselves out after your next big life step.
Think about the next life accomplishment that you are working towards (ie. committing to a relationship, graduating with your degree, buying a home, having a child, etc.). What struggles are you facing right now that you would like to address before taking that next step? Write down one thing that you can do this week to help yourself move towards addressing those struggles.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Consent can be explained a number of different ways, but just as clear understanding is important for consent, I also believe it is important for how we explain consent. As such, this is my favorite way I have heard consent explained:
“Both partners are 100% flamboyantly, beyond any shadow of a doubt, [in agreement about] what is happening,
And the communication of that, verbal and nonverbal, is clear and constant,
This is consent,
And wrong would be the absence of that, in any context, for any reason.
It would be silence.
It would be ‘I don’t know if this is what I want right now’,
Because maybe that’s not a ‘no’ but it is definitely not a ‘yes’.”
In other words, consent is all about boundaries. Brené Brown defines boundaries as “a clear understanding of what is okay for you and what is not okay for you.” Boundaries can be mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, or sexual. Consent is about physical boundaries, including platonic, romantic, and sexual boundaries. And as with all types of boundaries, we need to communicate our own and we need to learn and respect those of others.
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Please note that I said platonic, romantic, and sexual boundaries. While consent is normally entwined with the topic of sex, consent is not just about sex. Consent is about all types of physical contact. For as we each are our own person, we each have the right to bodily integrity: to be free from interference with our bodies. The right to not be assaulted. To not be tortured. To not be experimented upon. The right to not be touched by others if we do not want it, no matter their intentions. After all, not meaning to cause harm does not mean no one will be harmed.
How Consent Can Improve Our Relationships
When we understand the true nature of consent, with its application beyond sexual relationships, we can see where it fits into all relationships, alongside the mental, emotional, and spiritual boundaries we each have.
Setting, maintaining, and respecting healthy boundaries are what separate happy and healthy relationships from toxic, dysfunctional relationships. When boundaries are violated, resentment builds and can poison a relationship, interfering with individuals’ ability to love wholeheartedly.
Photo by Paweł Czerwiński on Unsplash
Openly communicating about our physical boundaries with our friends, family members, and romantic partners invites connection and bonding. It provides an opportunity to gain a better understanding of those we care about and to show our love for them by respecting their boundaries. We can also feel more loved when they respect our boundaries.
Teaching Children about Consent
One of my strongest memories from elementary school is that of a boy named Trevor. Throughout kindergarten and first grade, he would continually harass me, attempting to and force hugs and kisses on me. I would often spend much of recess running away from him. I remember my first-grade teacher trying to teach him that he needed to ask first and then only act if I said yes. It took a long time for Trevor to learn that lesson.
This experience is one of the reasons I strongly believe in teaching consent from birth. Now, saying “from birth” may sound a bit extreme, but let me explain. From infancy, we teach children how to share, how to take turns, how to respect belongings. We consider these to be important life skills. If teaching children to respect things, to not purposefully damage their belongings, is a vital lesson, should it not also be vital to teach them to respect people and their physical boundaries? The younger we start, the better we can instill this respect in our children.
We also need to be teaching our children that they have the right to say no. They can refuse hugs and other physical contact, even from family members and close friends.
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Did you read Rian’s post from November about sexual grooming? 1 in 10 children in the U.S. is sexually abused before age 18. 90% of the time, the abuse is committed by someone in a child’s circle of trust, not a stranger. So when you teach your children that they have the right to personal body space, even with those closest to them, you provide them with extra protection against predators.
This protection extends into adolescence and beyond. Teenage boys and girls consistently report that sexual activity often occurs under pressure (Sparks, 2019). They don’t know how to say no or how to respect when someone else tells them no. In fact, one nationwide study of high school students and young adults found that the overwhelming majority had never been taught how to avoid sexually harassing others or how to cope with sexual harassment. This is a serious problem that can be addressed by teaching children, teens, and young adults about consent – how to enforce their own boundaries and how to respect those of other people. Alongside that, we need to teach children that their bodies do not exist to serve others and other people’s bodies do not exist to serve them. The idea that bodies are objects to be used, rather than people to be respected, is a core belief that contributes to sexual violence and separates sex from its rightful place as part of a happy, healthy relationship.
If we want our children to grow up to have happy, healthy relationships, we need to teach them how to set and respect healthy boundaries. When we take the time to ensure our children understand consent, we are also teaching them “the skills, courage, and respect to communicate with another person about the things that are important to each of them”, and that is setting them up for success in their future relationships (Sparks, 2019).
Pick a relationship where you think physical boundaries are not clearly known and understood by both parties, and have a frank discussion with that person about their boundaries and yours.
References
Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong. New York: Spiegel & Grau, an imprint of Random House.
Herring, J., & Wall, J. (2017). The nature and significance of the right to bodily integrity. The Cambridge Law Journal, 76(3), 566-588. https://doi.org/10.1017/s0008197317000605
Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
