Many of us grew up believing that once we’re married or find a life partner, we won’t experience loneliness anymore. And then we grew up and realized that wasn’t the case. The reality is, no matter your place in life, loneliness is a possibility. Even the healthiest couples feel alone, at times, in their relationships. So, how do we cope when love feels lonely?
Resistance and Mindfulness
Ironically, on the day I decided to write about loneliness, I experienced an overwhelming lonely night. It’s as though a wave of isolation, shame and emptiness consumed me. Rather than resist these emotions by jumping to usual numbing tactics, I allowed myself to feel them completely (Metcalfe & Mischel, 1999). I refrained from giving loneliness meaning, and instead, I just sat there with the feeling. What happened as a result? It, like all emotions, eventually passed. When we seek to understand our feelings rather than avoid them, they come and go as vibrations in the body. According to life coach Jodi Moore, “when we resist negative emotion, we intensify it” (Moore, 2015). Part of mindfulness is observing our emotions instead of judging them. Researchers have found when dealing with negative emotions it is more helpful to ask “what” rather than “why” (Kross, Ayduk & Mischel, 2005). There is a difference in “I feel lonely” and “I feel lonely, therefore, I must not be lovable, worthy, matter, etc.” Understanding our emotions without identifying with them is a leap toward emotional freedom. In times of anxiety ask yourself “what am I making this mean about me? Is that how I want to feel?”
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Letting go of control to seek awareness is a paradox to our survival instincts. We begin life dependent on external sources to quell our loneliness. As we become independent, our modern brains grow in reasoning. However, when the mind detects danger, our primal brain wants to protect. This is why when we experience negative emotions in our adult years there is often a sense of fear and urgency. Remember that your brain is just doing its job to protect you. When loneliness and fear of loneliness come up, be mindful that yes this hurts or feels uncomfortable, but is not life-threatening (Well, 2017).
Connection and Vulnerability
Sometimes loneliness catches us by surprise like in my recent experience. Other times it’s created by a buildup of emotions and unmet needs. Some researchers define loneliness as “a discrepancy between actual and desired interpersonal relationships” (De Jong-Gierveld, 1989). Meaning there is a lack of personal or social support and intimacy. When we feel lonely, we may be lacking connection, which can be found in many ways. Connection with self, others, the earth, a higher power, etc. Things like getting out in nature, taking a hot bath, meditating, talking with a friend or family member, praying, and reading good literature have all helped to ease my feelings of inadequacy.
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No matter the type of connection we are needing, the stipulation is vulnerability. Remaining open to uncertainty is a precondition for the intimacy that can dissipate loneliness and shame. “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection” (Brown, 2010). We all need each other in some way, and our networks can help us in lonely times. Having relationships is part of what makes life beautiful and dynamic. It’s easy to admire someone’s strengths, but we actually connect with their weaknesses. Yet, remember that outside sources, people included, are not a fix-all. It takes both self-awareness and compassion from others to get through difficult times. Using loneliness to fuel introspection can lead to many insights and discoveries (Hixon & Swann, 1993). Holding space for others and holding space for yourself can co-exist, despite what we may have thought.
Right vs. Happy
Often times loneliness appears in our exchanges due to disagreements. Not seeing eye to eye is completely normal and inevitable in any relationship. The only person who thinks like you, is you. While conflict is good, and sometimes part of our path to connection, it can also create more feelings of separateness within partnerships. I’ve witnessed topics like raising children, religion, politics, diet, money, education, career and many others pull people apart.
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I know a couple with different beliefs that have managed to put being happy over being right. The wife is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS), and her husband isn’t religious. Her husband has fully supported her dreams, even though he does not share his wife’s beliefs. She has completely accepted who he is, without trying to change his mind or convert him. While both of them probably think that they are right in their personal beliefs, they maintain their own beliefs while still being kind and supportive of each other. When she went through an LDS temple to perform sacred rituals, he waited outside with flowers, embraced her and told her he was proud of her. It isn’t easy to allow space for difference or disagreement, but it is possible. When you feel lonely because of opposing views or ideas ask yourself, “What matters more to me? This person and our relationship, or being right?”
It’s Normal
According to Dr. Epistein, the feeling of separateness is inescapable, but it doesn’t have to be painful (Epistein, 2005). Because we are all individuals there is the potential for loneliness in every relationship.Remember, we’re not meant to feel good all the time. We’re meant to experience both joy and sadness. Take comfort in knowing that everyone feels alone at times, both in and out of relationships. The chances that others are feeling lonely are high. Know that loneliness is part of the shared human experience and there are likely people in your life with whom you can relate and turn to for comfort.
Practice identifying what emotions you’re experiencing without assigning them meaning. Honor that the emotions are there and deserve to be felt, but refrain from personalizing them. Share these feelings with your partner and practice holding the space for each other.
Hixson, J.G. & Swann, W. (1993). When does introspection bear fruit? Self-reflection, self-insight, and interpersonal choices. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 64, 35-43.
Kross, E., Ayduk, A., & Mischel, W. (2005). When asking why does not hurt distinguishing rumination from reflective processing of negative emotions. Psychological Science, 16, 709-715.
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Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
For as many different ways as there are to self-care, there are just as many different excuses that people come up with for why they don’t self-care. The three most common that I have encountered are these:
“I don’t need it, I’m doing fine.” If you are using this as an excuse to not self-care, then you either don’t understand what self-care is, or you are lying to yourself. Believe it or not, self-care is actually not just a want, it is a NEED. A lot of people misconstrue self-care for a general “treat yo’self” attitude where you just do whatever you want whenever you want. While treating yourself to something you love or crave can certainly be a part of self-care, that is not all that it means. Self-care is taking an active role in protecting, preserving, and improving one’s own health, well-being, and happiness (Lexico, 2019). It is what keeps us living, growing, and thriving. We ALL need self-care, even during the times in our life when we are doing well, so please don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s not for you!
“I feel like I’m being selfish.”Friends, self-care is NOT selfish! When all we do is give constantly, it can leave us feeling drained and burned out. Self-care is what fills our cup so that we can then go on and give to others. Of course, it is important to find a balance between giving and receiving, and of course, anything good can be misused or extorted when pushed to an extreme. It’s important to discover that balance for yourself as an individual and to be true to your own needs and the needs of your loved ones.
“I just don’t have time!”Between work, school, kids, social life, housekeeping, etc., it can feel like there is never enough time to do what is required of us, much less to take time for self-care. This is the excuse that I most what to address today because it is one that I know many people struggle with and because there are really some easy fixes that can help us move past the time-crunches, and into caring for ourselves in healthy and important ways.
Here are a few research-supported suggestions I have to help you find time for self-care:
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Make your own time
This sounds impossible, but I promise it’s a lot simpler than you might think. For this suggestion, I want you to think specifically about your personal relationship with technology in your daily life. Did you know that the average human spends 41% of their time in front of a screen!? THAT’S MORE THAN WE SLEEP. If you currently believe that you do not have time for self-care, take just 2 or 3 days to track how much time you are spending in front of a screen – scrolling through social media, watching Netflix, reading the latest celeb gossip, etc. You can use an app, or keep track of it on paper. Next, consciously replace that screen-time with some intentional self-care. I can guarantee that you will find at least five minutes in your day to spend taking care of yourself.
If you do this and are still struggling to find time to take care of you, here is what I suggest: practice self-care FIRST. This can be hard and feel selfish, but when you take the time to physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually care for yourself first, you may be surprised how much more energy and motivation you have to get done what else needs to be done.
Note: For some people, scrolling through social media or watching Netflix is actually part of their self-care. That is okay! Just make sure you are being intentional about the time you are spending in front of a screen, and be sure that if you are including it in your self-care, it is actually renewing you.
Self-care for different situations
While re-purposing unneeded screen-time can help you make more time for self-care, it can still be difficult to juggle everything that needs to get done throughout the day and carve out intentional time for nourishing, restoring, and reconnecting with yourself. The good news is, self-care doesn’t just mean spending an hour doing at-home yoga or meditation! It is possible to do some self-care at work, while parenting, while waiting in line at the grocery store, etc. Here are some things you can do in every-day situations to care for yourself:
Practice being mindful
Listen to music that inspires you
Go outside
Try doing some yoga at your desk (here’s a great video for that)
Eat a snack (something that nourishes you – you decide what this means)
Organize your physical space
Look for something new to learn
Stretch
Make an effort to talk with someone around you (connection can be so revitalizing!)
Laugh
Practice communicating your needs and setting healthy boundaries (with your children, co-workers, roommates, etc.)
Self-care looks different for everyone, so get creative with this one. What do YOU need to recharge? Think outside the box!
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A little goes a long way
You don’t have to spend hours every day doing self-care in order to reap its many benefits. Taking even just 10 minutes a day to intentionally nourish, restore, and re-connect can help you find balance and a more whole and complete health in every aspect of your life. In particular, taking a little time to care for yourself will go a long way in your relationships. The more you work to fill your emotional/physical/mental/spiritual/etc. well, the more YOU there will be to give and share with those you love. The key is to find what forms of self-care are particularly relevant and effective for you. If you aren’t sure what those are, try some of the suggestions from “Self-Care Bully” Reva Cook at the tail end of her HHP guest post here. Start with just a little bit of personalized self-care a day, and watch your capacity for connection and giving increase ten-fold.
I know that making time for yourself can be hard – especially in today’s world. But in order for you to not just survive, but THRIVE in your life and in your relationships, daily self-care is critical. So for all you busy humans out there, stop with the excuses! Make time for self-care because you (and everyone you love) are worth it.
This week, replace 10 minutes a day of screen-time with self-care time.
Mills, J., Wand, T., & Fraser, J. A. (2018). Exploring the meaning and practice of self-care among palliative care nurses and doctors: a qualitative study. BMC palliative care, 17(1), 63. doi:10.1186/s12904-018-0318-0
Stockwell, Angie. (2017). Effectiveness of Self-Care in Reducing Symptoms of Secondary Traumatic Stress. Retrieved from Sophia, the St. Catherine University repository website: https://sophia.stkate.edu/msw_papers/797
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
On March 30, 2019, I lined up on the deck of a pool with hundreds of other people, swim cap on head, borrowed goggles ready to put on, nose plug discreetly tucked in the pocket of my spandex shorts, ready to put on. I began to shiver with nerves as the first swimmers jumped in the pool and began the 300m swim. Was I too far forward in the line? Should I be further back with the slower swimmers? Should I be AT THE VERY BACK, because I was probably the slowest swimmer here (or so I felt)?
I got to the edge of the pool and waited for the okay to jump in. “Take a deep breath… and exhale,” the man at the timing mat said to me. “You’ve got this. You’re good to go.” I jumped into the pool and began to swim.
Three months earlier in January 2019, I had jumped into a pool for the first time in years to try to learn how to swim more efficiently. A friend had invited me to do a sprint triathlon with her in March and the thought just kept coming into my mind. I already had a background in running, and I wasn’t too concerned about picking up cycling, but I had never felt confident in the water. I felt self-conscious every time I got in the pool and tried to swim. I technically knew how to swim (or rather, I knew how to not drown), but I always went so slowly, inhaled water through my nose, and had no endurance. The last time I remember trying to learn to swim was when I had to swim 200m for my scuba certification back in fall 2014. My friend Elizabeth met me at a pool, gave me her old pair of goggles to use, and taught me the basics of the freestyle stroke and breathing. I completed that 200m swim, and then can’t remember stepping into a public pool since then — until January 2019.
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It wasn’t graceful. I had to pause and catch my breath at least every 25m. I swam for a total of 14 minutes, and a lot of that was resting.
I swam about once a week for the first month, then increased to two times a week. I remember the first time I felt comfortable swimming. I realized I didn’t feel as self-conscious, out of place or awkward as I had been feeling. I just felt like another swimmer training alongside those in the other lanes.
When I jumped into the pool for the triathlon I was nervous, and really, that nervousness didn’t go away until I was out of the pool. I was so nervous that I couldn’t maintain my bilateral breathing, which usually felt most comfortable to me while training. I alternated between freestyle swimming and backstroking to get through those 300m. But I did it.
Learning to Learn
My mom always tells me that I could sing before I could talk. I carried a tune perfectly, even as an infant. Music always came easy. I continued to sing in church, in middle school and high school choirs, and in indie bands as I moved into adulthood. I supplemented my talent with training, but still, it just always felt easy.
Other potential hobbies and interests did not feel that easy. I have vague memories of showing up to auditions and tryouts for random sports and clubs with little to no prior experience, expecting to just give it a go, join the team, then learn from there. I can remember sneaking out of at least two of those tryouts embarrassed, unable to keep up (for example: hip hop dance team, and I had never tried to learn a dance move in my life).
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Because my main hobby came so easy to me, it had never occurred to me that I needed to start from the very bottom and work my way up with other things in my life. I just associated a lack of knowledge or skill with the embarrassment of sneaking out of an audition or tryout early.
Essentially, I associated my lack of knowledge or skill with failure.
My views on this didn’t change overnight, and I can’t even pinpoint a moment when they did. I do know that in 2014, I trained and prepared for a 10k, a relay race, and my open water scuba diving certification — all things that I wouldn’t even have considered being able to complete a year earlier but the opportunities just fell into my lap within the year (though the 10k and relay races were definitely “someday” items). I had personal moments through 2015 and 2016 that tore me down and required me to emotionally build myself back up. In 2017 I followed my first training plan to prepare for my first half marathon, a task that I could hardly fathom beforehand.
Learning to grow physically and emotionally through these various challenges definitely taught me how to be a beginner and start from the bottom, but I didn’t know how to define that until later.
The Growth Mindset
In December 2017 I read the book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck, and suddenly the pieces fell into place. It outlined the principles that I had been learning over the past few years and finally gave it a name: the Growth Mindset.
The growth mindset, according to Dweck, is the belief that our intelligence, personality, and skills are things we can develop, as opposed to things that are fixed and unchangeable.
The growth mindset views failures and setbacks as actions (“I failed”) rather than an identity (“I am a failure”) (Dweck 33). It offers the opportunity to grow and become, rather than remaining stagnant. It offers a productive purpose, instead of seeking external approval or validation. Dweck states, “When you enter a mindset, you enter a new world. In one world–the world of fixed traits–success is about proving you’re smart or talented. Validating yourself. In the other–the world of changing qualities–it’s about stretching yourself to learn something new. Developing yourself” (Dweck 15).
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When I walked into the hip hop dance team tryouts with no prior dance experience, I saw myself as someone who simply could not follow choreography, was not coordinated, and awkwardly snuck out of a room full of graceful, hip popping (is that what hip hop is?), cooler-than-me high school girls. Over 10 years later, my then-boyfriend was trying to romantically slow dance with me in the kitchen while dinner cooked, and my hands instantly started sweating. It was not romantic. I’ve only recently realized that I can probably dance — I just need to take the time to learn in my own way, at my own pace.
Comparatively, by the time I started training for my first triathlon in January 2019, the growth mindset had already become a common way of thinking for me. While I was a bit embarrassed about wearing a nose plug in public, it didn’t stop me because it helped me focus on other aspects of my form (and I just slipped it off to catch my breath in between laps). If I’m sharing a lane with someone faster than me, I don’t think much of it anymore — we’re all going at our own pace, and they are probably just focusing on their training like I am on mine. I don’t care if people see me working with my swim coach on the tiny little details while they’re breezing by with seemingly 10-second laps, because the tiny little details are where I’m at right now, and I love soaking in those details and those skills. The growth mindset has taught me to love the process and not just the outcome, especially when I’m starting with a nose plugged, 25m out-of-breath slow swim. That just means there is so much more to learn, and learning is incredibly exciting!
How
The growth mindset is incredibly valuable in all areas of life, from athletic endeavors, to education, to professional development, daily habits, and more. So, how do you change from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset to see this value?
We have to change how we respond to challenges, failures, and even how we approach our goals. It’s changing that inner dialogue from “I am a failure” to “I failed” — from a permanent label to a single setback that can be moved past and overcome. It’s reframing the situation.
Here is a short exercise you can do to begin reframing your thoughts:
Consider a situation that you’ve used to define a negative trait in yourself (or, if you’re experiencing a situation right now that really has you feeling down, use that). Write it down, and then write down your current inner dialogue.
For example: I’m always 10-15 minutes late for everything I’m invited to. I’m never on time.
Now, reframe the situation. In this example, I put myself in a holding pattern: I’m NEVER on time. But am I NEVER on time, or have I just been late to quite a few events in the past? Rephrase the statement to reflect that.
I have been late to quite a few events in the past.
Assuming you want to improve upon that self-perceived negative trait, consider ways you can change your approach in the future.
I’m going to start getting ready 10 minutes earlier than I normally would. I’ll plan to leave the house 10 minutes early. I’m going to set alarms on my phone to remind me when I need to start getting ready and when I need to leave the house. If I get to the event early, I can just relax in my car for a few minutes before going in.
A large part of the growth mindset is taking action. I love how Dweck defines this in her book: “The critical thing is to make a concrete, growth-oriented plan, and to stick to it” (Dweck 229). Concrete. Growth-oriented. And then implementing that plan, not just sitting on it.
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The Outcome
A 2016 study shows the impact of practicing the growth mindset in an academic setting. In a survey administered in 2012 to every 10th-grade Chilean student, their parents, and school, questions about students’ “mindsets about the malleability of intelligence” were asked. The questions helped categorize the students into having a fixed mindset, growth mindset, or “mixed mindset.” Regardless of socioeconomic factors, students displaying a growth mindset consistently scored higher academically than those displaying a fixed mindset. Additionally, while the lowest-income students were twice as likely to display a fixed mindset than the highest-income students, the lowest-income students who did display a growth mindset also showed high academic success. This shows, I believe, the transformational power of the growth mindset to improve our circumstances and our lives.
As mentioned previously, I started working with a swim coach a few months after my March 2019 triathlon to help me become a more efficient swimmer. I was told that by learning proper form, I could swim with greater ease and efficiency, and it was true! With each lesson, I became more comfortable and more competent as a swimmer. I still have a lot more practice I need to get in before my next triathlon, but I’m pretty proud of my progress so far: Whereas the farthest I had swum in March was 300m, I was able to swim 750m by July, and 1000m just a few days later. In between those notable swims were a handful of swim lessons, many solo swim practices, YouTube videos, visualizing, accidentally starting out too fast, forgetting to breathe, forgetting my mantra, remembering my mantra, and more.
If swimming 1000m comes naturally to you, that’s great. But as with most things, I didn’t just go out and swim 1000m one day — but I believed I could get there, so I put in the work and did it.
Practice reframing your fixed statements into growth statements. See the section entitled “How” for an example of how to do this.
References
Claro, S., Paunesku, D., & Dweck, C. S. (2016). Growth mindset tempers the effects of poverty on academic achievement. PNAS Early Edition, Stanford University. Under Review.
Dweck, C.S. (2012). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York, NY: Random House.
Li, Y., & Bates, T. C. (2019). You can’t change your basic ability, but you work at things, and that’s how we get hard things done: Testing the role of growth mindset on response to setbacks, educational attainment, and cognitive ability. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 148(9), 1640–1655. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/xge0000669
Saraff, S., Tiwari, A., & Rishipal. (2020). Effect of mindfulness on self-concept, self-esteem and growth mindset: Evidence from undergraduate students. Journal of Psychosocial Research, 15(1), 329–340. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.32381/JPR.2020.15.01.28
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Keto. Intermittent Fasting. Whole 30. Low-carb. Vegan. Weight Watchers. Juice fasts. Clean Eating. There is no end to the variety of diets that are competing for your attention when it comes to your weight and health. Many of them tout guidelines and science-backed principles that openly conflict with one another. While they differ in some ways, all diets come back to the same principle of restriction. They require meticulous counting and measuring, eradication of certain food groups, as well as other rules and regulations to guide the eating experience. Add that to all of the social expectations about how your body “should look” and it is no wonder that so much of our time and energy is consumed by dieting and body thoughts. Registered dietician Christy Harrison aptly calls dieting “the life thief”. (Harrison, 2017)
At its core, the idea of dieting for the purpose of improving one’s health seems harmless. However, contrary to what the diet and fitness industry is telling us, studies show that dieting has a 90-95% failure rate. (Grodstein, et al., 1996) An additional study also documented that dieting as a result of weight stigma poses a significant threat to psychological and physical health and presents significant risk factors for depression, low-self esteem, and body dissatisfaction. (Andreyeva, Puhl, & Brownell, 2008)
The more you diet, the more your confidence and self-trust gradually erodes.
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In 1995, two registered dieticians published a new book, Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program that Works. Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch were working independently but had both noticed that no matter what they did to help their clients lose weight and keep it off their clients kept coming back, filled with guilt and shame, having regained the weight. They realized that dieting was not working and they decided to dive deep into the data. What resulted from their research were the life-changing principles that are found in their book. Now they teach about the importance of rejecting the diet mentality and making peace with food. They teach how to cope with your emotions without using food and learn to respect your body and find joy in movement and exercise. (Tribole, & Resch, 2019)
But intuitive eating is so much more than a new “plan.” At its core, Intuitive Eating is about taking your power back. It’s about learning to trust your natural instincts and to ignore all the different outside messages telling you who you need to be, what you need to look like, how much you should weigh, what you can eat, when you can eat it, how much of it you can eat, etc.. Intuitive eating is about tuning in to your body and re-learning how to trust and truly take care of yourself. It is about finding pleasure and satisfaction in food again while living your most fulfilling life, free of the shame and guilt that often accompanies dieting.
There is a large misconception that when we let go of all the diet rules and practice intuitive eating that we are “letting ourselves go.” This could not be more opposite from the truth. When you truly give yourself permission to eat and to rely on your body’s signals of hunger, fullness, and satiety, you are allowing yourself to be! You are giving yourself permission to take up space and to live a purposeful life without measuring your worth by the number of calories you consume or whether or not you were able to achieve ketosis. Eating intuitively requires that you are present in your life and are aware of your emotions and thoughts surrounding food. The more you come to know and value your own inner voice, the more you will learn to give your body what it truly needs, whether that be cake or kale. Many people I have worked with have been surprised at what happens when they begin to trust themselves. While they originally thought that they would end up living off a diet of candy and chips, they learned that when they took the time to listen to their body their body provided them with cravings for a variety of nutrients and foods. In my opinion, learning to listen to and trust your body with food is one of the most powerful and effective means of self-care.
If you have spent a good part of your life on a diet, it may feel really intimidating to dive into intuitive eating. But know this: unlike a diet, you cannot fail at intuitive eating! (Tribole, & Resch, 1995) It is all a learning process and it looks different for every person. Your journey will be different, but even moments of cleaning out an entire carton of ice cream in one sitting can provide an opportunity to check in and reconnect with yourself.
Here are some steps that you can take towards learning how to trust your own intuition with food and make peace with your body:
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1. Learn to ask questions
We have been sold a lot of ideas about health and wellness that at first glance may seem like good things. But it is important to ask yourself questions like, “Who decided that _____ is the way that we should all look?” “Who benefits from me buying that product/participating in that diet?” “Why do I believe that changing my body in this way will allow me to feel ____? Is that true?” You can also use this tool to help you as you navigate intuitive eating and re-learn what your body needs, what foods truly taste good to you, what type of exercise and movement brings you joy.
2. Get rid of external measuring sticks
Have you ever watched a young child eat? When you were a toddler, you ate when you were hungry and you stopped when you were full. You found joy and satisfaction in food. Your body was created and developed from a small group of cells into a full human infant without any kind of external influence. Your body still has every system and regulator it needs to continue to help you thrive and grow. The problem is that we have learned to ignore those internal regulating systems and intuition and instead rely on food pyramids, fitness trackers, and scales to tell us what, when, and how we should be eating. Go back to the basics, learn to trust yourself by how you feel and experience food. You are your own best measuring stick.
3. Practice self-acceptance
Have you ever told yourself “I’ve got to work off that extra cookie I ate last night” or “As soon as I am ___ lbs, then it will be easier to love myself.” Punishing yourself out of disgust or waiting until a future day to love yourself are rooted in the idea of fear. Fear that you won’t be accepted by others as you are, fear of gaining weight, or fear of not measuring up to our own self-inflicted standards. The antidote to fear is love, but proclaiming “I love my body and I love myself” can sometimes be a hard jump for some people. The small starting step is to practice acceptance for who you are at this moment and recognize that nothing is going to change your body in that instant. Don’t allow the ever-fluid future to rob you of the beauty happening in your life today. Start living and experiencing the life you are waiting for right now!
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4. Give yourself grace
Starting something new can be hard. Unlearning years of diet lies and gimmicks can be especially tricky. It is most definitely a process that takes a lot of time and intention and you can’t measure or compare your journey to anyone else’s. Each day you will need to give yourself grace and be curious instead of critical. Give yourself permission to feel sad or angry at the lies that you have been sold about your body. Offer kindness and patience to yourself as you navigate learning how to trust yourself again. We are often so much more charitable to those around us than we are to ourselves but in the end, one of the most important relationships we have is with ourselves and investing in self-kindness and self-compassion is key.
5. Read the book Intuitive Eating
Intuitive eating has become somewhat of a buzzword in the social media community. While it is incredible and exciting that it is finally getting the attention it deserves, there are many sources that claim to be intuitive eating focused while still holding on to dangerous aspects of diet culture. Go to the original source! If you have spent part of your life caught up in diet culture and experiencing poor body image, implementing the principles from that book has the power to help you make peace with food and your body and has the potential to ultimately change your life.
This week, spend at least one meal eating mindfully. Before you take your first bite, notice the smell and look of your food. Anticipate what it will taste like. As you tuck in, chew slowly. Notice the texture and feel of the food. Really relish in the taste. Eating in this mindful way can help you be more in-tune with the needs and desires of your body. Be sure to pay attention to when you feel full!
Grodstein, F., Levine, R., Spencer, T., Colditz, G. A., & Stampfer, M. J. (1996). Three-year follow-up of participants in a commercial weight loss program: Can you keep it off? Archives of Internal Medicine 156(12), 1302.
Andreyeva, T., Puhl, R. M. & Brownell, K. D. (2008). Changes in Perceived Weight Discrimination Among Americans, 1995–1996 Through 2004–2006. Obesity, 16: 1129–1134. doi:10.1038/oby.2008.35
A few years ago, I walked into a support group for spouses and families of addicts, and was surprised by these two things:
The instant love and support I was shown, and
The clear emphasis on OUR INDIVIDUAL healing, NOT our loved ones’ healing.
Yes, we want our loved ones to heal and grow and overcome the things they struggle with, but that was not—nor will ever be—something any of us have any control over. The only thing we can truly control is our own healing, and the little and big decisions we make along the way.
Betrayal trauma can be felt when we feel betrayed by a loved one, and experience trauma from that. In other words, it is trauma experienced when we lose the trust of a loved one—often in cases of lying, deceit, infidelity, or other inappropriate and hurtful behavior. Both men and women can experience betrayal trauma (Note: I’m writing this paper as a woman who used to attend a women-only support group, so if I speak from that perspective, that’s why. But I know men who have experienced betrayal trauma as well, and their experiences are important to consider as well).
Psychologist George S. Everly found that those struggling with betrayal trauma exhibited many of the same symptoms as those suffering from Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, including:
…guilt, depression, psychological numbing, suspiciousness, hyper-vigilance, withdrawal from others, nightmares, and continually (almost addictively) reliving both the positive moments (longingly) and the negative moments (painfully) of the relationship, especially the moment of the revelation of the betrayal. And again as you might expect the betrayal engenders a terrible loss of self-esteem, the rise of self-doubt, the inability to trust again, and the desire to avoid relationships in the future.
Photo by John Mark Smith on Unsplash
Here is what betrayal trauma looked like for me:
In my own trauma, I developed “triggers”—situations, objects, places, memories, etc. that sent my mind and body spiraling into a state of anxiety. I remember once having to pull my car over to the side of the road when a memory came into my mind, unable to keep driving as my body involuntarily began shaking, and I fought to control my breathing and tears. For months I scanned parking lots as I drove into them, frantically seeing if I recognized any of the cars, trying to determine if I was (emotionally) safe or not. While experiencing other romantic relationships helped me heal and move forward, I also experienced triggers in intimate situations.
The sweet thing is, it got better. The triggers became fewer and farther between. Painful memories faded as new memories and experiences replaced them. I could eventually think about the happy memories from the past with gratitude instead of hurt.
Each person’s experience with betrayal trauma is different, including the severity of which they experience it. I’ve seen individuals suffer severe physical health issues as a result of their emotional grief*. I’ve seen them spend years working with their loved one to regain that trust—for both of them. I’ve known people who have stayed in relationships—for better or for worse—and I’ve known people who have left. Of those I’ve seen leave, sometimes they leave immediately upon the first betrayal, and sometimes they stay for years trying to make it work. There is no right or wrong solution for any person experiencing betrayal trauma.
If you are in the thick of trauma right now—maybe you just experienced a punch-to-the-heart disclosure or your relationship is just feeling especially heavy right now—I hope you know that you’re not alone, and that you are loved. Take a few breaths, let yourself cry, and do what you need to do to grieve—you may be experiencing a loss of trust, the vision you had for your relationship, your sense of self, and other parts of your life that are worth acknowledging and grieving.
When you’re ready to stand up and get moving, here are some ways to move forward and focus on healing your life.
Therapy
If you don’t have a therapist that you are comfortable confiding in, go find one right now. Even better, find a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma recovery. A quality, qualified therapist can not only offer you a space to talk freely, but can help you process those thoughts and feelings. They can offer additional insight and tools to aid in your healing.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
But did I mention that they can also offer you a space to talk freely? Especially in relationship issues, this is vital. In college, one of my Family Science professors noted that we should always be careful about the things we tell our parents about our partners/spouses—while we’ll most likely work things out with our partner pretty quickly and move forward, our parents will likely hold onto that resentment for much longer. They are just bystanders and aren’t (and shouldn’t be) in the relationship working things out alongside us. Therapists must maintain confidentiality (except in extenuating circumstances, such as when it concerns your immediate safety), so they are great sources to confide in.
Support Groups
As I said before, if you are experiencing betrayal trauma, know that you are not alone. Whether the trauma comes from a partner’s pornography use or other sexual addiction, sexual or emotional infidelity, or other form of unfaithful behavior, Bloom for Women reports that 41% of married women (about 30 million women) have unfaithful spouses. Of those, they state that about 72% experience trauma from sexual betrayal (about 21 million women).
Photo by Clarke Sanders on Unsplash
Support groups bring people struggling with similar issues together to share experiences, relate to one another, encourage personal growth, and feel less alone. You can search online for both online support groups (like Bloom for Women for betrayal trauma recovery) or local/regional support groups. As the facilitators in my local support group once told me, give it three meetings before you decide to drop out of the group. Support groups sometimes have their own culture of sorts (a particular meeting schedule, reading materials, how a person introduces themselves, how each meeting ends, etc.) If you still don’t like your group after a few meetings, try another one. But give it a chance.
Books, Podcasts, Etc.
Some of my favorites:
What Can I Do About Me by Rhyll Anne Croshaw
You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
Workbook: Healing Through Christ— free download here
Podcast: LifeBeats Project Episode #55 with Nicole, “Learning that kindness is a strength and not a weakness, especially when you are hurt by others.”
Album: Lemonade by Beyonce (if that’s your thing) 😉
I wanted to give you as many resources as I could, so I asked a couple of dear friends of mine what helped them heal:
All of the Brene Brown books!
The Overcomers Edge by Paul Psicka
Podcast: 3 in 30 Podcast Episode #68: Healing After Betrayal in Your Marriage
Doing Things
…and not just doing things, but doing things for yourself.
When I needed to heal emotionally, I turned to running. My overall focus turned to training for a running race, and all the fine details that went along with that like planning my next workouts, structuring my runs for the greatest physical benefit, analyzing my running form, tweaking my nutrition, etc. Beyond that big picture focus, my daily runs also offered me time to clear my mind, process grief, and literally and emotionally move forward.
Photo by Andrew Tanglao on Unsplash
Another friend of mine told me that when she felt her weakest, she resolved to do one thing every day that scared her. Sometimes it was giving a compliment to a stranger. Other times it was pushing herself physically in a difficult workout. A couple times it was traveling to the other side of the world for a last-minute humanitarian project. She grew through these experiences every single day.
Sometimes doing things for yourself means buying yourself a treat on the way home for work or booking a visit to the spa. Other times it means doing your taxes or washing all the dishes in the sink. Whatever it is, do something for yourself every single day. Even the smallest things add up over time and can help you build confidence, feel happier and stronger, and be a beautiful part of your recovery.
Conclusion
I worked through my trauma through engaging in therapy, participating in a support group (if you ladies are reading this, know that there is a special place in my heart for you, and I love you forever), feeling less alone through books, podcasts, and Beyonce’s brilliant and gut-wrenchingly relatable “Lemonade,” and running ‘til endorphins kicked in, and then running some more. These days my recovery is less about managing triggers and more about not repeating those old patterns of codependency in relationships. It’s about remembering my worth, holding my own, keeping my boundaries, and walking away when I need to.
You may have some big decisions coming up, like whether to stay or to leave, or even whether or not to get out of bed tomorrow. Regardless of any choices you make moving forward though, you will have to do the work to heal. You could run away and start a whole new life, and you’ll still have to do the work to heal. You can work endlessly to forgive and forget with your partner, and you’ll still need to do your own work to heal.
I can promise you though, this is the best work you will ever do for your life.
—
*Research shows that those who experience trauma that includes betrayal show more symptoms of physical illness, anxiety, dissociation, and depression than individuals whose trauma does not include betrayal, like those who have been in car accidents, etc. (Freyd, Klest & Allard 2005).
Identify one thing you can do today for yourself. It could be reading a book, scheduling an appointment to see your therapist, exercising, doing something that takes you out of your comfort zone, buying that cookie you’ve been craving for a week—anything that you are doing for yourself!
Everly, George S. Jr. (2018), “The Trauma of Intimate Partner Betrayal: Why it hurts so much and seven ways you can heal.” Psychology Today, Posted 8 June 2018.
Freyd, Jennifer J., Bridget Klest & Carolyn B. Allard (2005) Betrayal Trauma: Relationship to Physical Health, Psychological Distress, and a Written Disclosure Intervention, Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 6:3, 83-104.
Smith-Marek, E. N., Durtschi, J., Brown, C., & Dharnidharka, P. (2016). Exercise and diet as potential moderators between trauma, posttraumatic stress, depression, and relationship quality among emerging adults. American Journal of Family Therapy, 44(2), 53–66. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/01926187.2016.1145080
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Practice identifying what emotions you’re experiencing without assigning them meaning. Honor that the emotions are there and deserve to be felt, but refrain from personalizing them. Share these feelings with your partner and practice holding the space for each other. 
