I should probably start by telling how my wife Rian and I met. On a whim, we both tried out for a local community theater production of “Les Miserables.” We were both cast in the ensemble. I was a nasty sailor, she was a prostitute. It was meant to be. I noticed immediately how crystal clear and spot on her voice was during our rehearsal. I’ve never heard her hit a wrong note to this day. She was also hysterical. Stunning girls who aren’t afraid to look ridiculous flopping around onstage are the most attractive, by the way. Needless to say she took a chance on me, and four years later we are now married with a terrific little baby.
Let me preface this post by saying I am in no way an authority on the subject of mental illness. What I share here are simply experiences from my own life in learning about and learning to love someone who struggles with anxiety and depression. If something I share here resonates with you and you’re willing to give it a shot, then go for it!
#1 Be willing to learn (ask questions!)
In our first couple of conversations while we were getting to know each other (and making “goo goo eyes”), it eventually came up that Ri had come home early from serving an LDS mission due to anxiety and depression. Let me first say how brave this was of her to share that with a guy she hardly knew. She wanted to be upfront and honest. She was not worried that she would come across as “broken” or “not strong enough” or a dozen other incorrect labels we place on individuals with mental illness. There was a lot of trust shown on her end. Over the years prior, I had developed an attitude that a lot of mental illnesses could be solved by simply “getting over it” or just pushing through. I didn’t grow up in a home where any of us really struggled with these things (although I’ve since learned that my grandmother battled bi-polar disorder her whole life). I was so head-over-heels for this girl, though, I was willing to give up what I thought I already “knew” about the subject and undergo a paradigm shift. I sincerely wanted to know how things were for her. How did she feel when she had a panic attack? What set things off? What coping mechanisms did she have? How did she come to accept that it was something she struggled with? The more questions I asked, the more I learned, and the more I could try and understand. If you want to love someone more, learn more about them. Let your love motivate you to ask questions. They won’t be offended if you’re coming from a sincere place. You’ll grow closer together as a result.
#2 Don’t treat them as “fragile”
Nobody wants to be thought of as a crazy person who could break down at any second. When it comes to building a relationship with someone who struggles with mental illness, there shouldn’t be a “walking on eggshells” mentality. That’s not good for either of you. If anything, that just makes those with mental illness more nervous and unable to be themselves. In our relationship, that has been the most important thing to my wife – she feels she can always be herself around me. We can go out and have a good time doing pretty much anything (except whistling… she can’t whistle to save her life!). We have developed good enough communication over time that if I sense something might be triggering her anxiety, we’ll take a break and go sit quietly at a park, or take a cuddle break for a bit. But we never let those things control our lives. There’s something to be said for the old English WWII sign “Keep Calm and Carry On”. Don’t worry about the next potential “bomb of distress” that may go off. Be prepared for them (that’s where your “calm” will come from.), but still go out and live your life.
#3 Serve them
Now, inevitably, those “bombs of distress” will hit your loved one. However, it is possible to prepare for those times. In our many conversations, Rian has learned about and told me what she needs during a low point. Taking a walk, or being held sitting on a couch focusing on her breathing, to name a few (for some people it can be the opposite – they don’t like any physical contact – so just be sure to learn what works for your loved one). Whatever the remedy is for each episode, I always try to keep things calm. When the distress finally passes, it often leaves Rian completely exhausted. Foot rubs, massages, making a meal for her, playing her favorite music or putting on a movie she likes are all helpful things that allow her to decompress. I love doing these things for her. I realize that if you have a larger family, it’s not as easy to take time to do these things. Panic attack’s don’t arrive at convenient times. But whenever they do occur, I try to find some way to serve my sweetheart (even if it’s just a phone to call check-in because I’m stuck at work). In our relationship in general, I’ve tried to follow the wise council Merlin gave to King Arthur in regards to his relationship with Queen Guinevere: “Love her. Simply love her.”
#4 Understand that you can’t fix everything
Before I was married, I thought that my job as a husband and father was to make sure my wife and kids were never sad. But I’ve discovered that’s an impossible task. I can’t bubble-wrap my family to protect them from every single hardship, and that includes mental anguish. Its so difficult when there isn’t a physical “booboo” I can see to kiss better. There’s no quick-fix band aid you can place on mental illness. These battles can be long laborious affairs with frequent ups and downs. And a lot of times, all you can do is hold your loved one’s hand. It’s their own personal boxing match in which they face an intimidating foe. But luckily, they’ve got you and many others in their corner giving them water, first aid, and constant words of encouragement that they can beat this thing. It was the same way when Rian was in labor with our baby. I’ve never felt more powerless in my life. But I marveled at how strong she became during that time. And she, all by herself, accomplished one of the most difficult tasks a human being can do. So, as much as we want to constantly protect our loved ones from any pain and grief, we can’t expect that from ourselves. When you feel powerless to help, remember that it isn’t your job to take away the hurt. It IS your job, however, to be there through it all. Allow these trials to help you find opportunities to serve each other and grow closer together.
Dealing with a mental illness can sometimes feel like you are drowning. When your own brain seems to be fighting against you, how do you cope? My own struggles have taught me that, while it takes work, finding health, hope, and joy while still living with mental illness is certainly possible. In this post, I hope to share with you some general principles that have helped me in dealing with my own mental illness, particularly when it comes to romantic relationships. Keep in mind that while I am largely informed by research from my college studies, this information is heavily based on personal experience. I have generalized anxiety disorder, which can lead to severe depression when left unchecked. I absolutely understand that everyone’s own mental health journey is unique and individual, and that not every suggestion I have will work in the same way for everyone. I encourage you to adapt the ideas in this post to your own needs.
#1 Do not base your happiness on your relationship status
I know this is so much easier said than done, but it really is essential! So many people (including those who don’t struggle with mental illness) feel like all of their issues and problems would be fixed if they could just find a great boyfriend or girlfriend to take care of them. While having a healthy relationship can bring incredible joy and fulfillment, relationships change, and you need to learn to manage your mental illness outside of your relationship. Learning how to love and take care of yourself is paramount to learning how to love and take care of someone else. Finding joy in developing your passions and talents, and discovering your best self will make any relationships that you have with others more full and will allow you to be happy even when you are rocking the single scene.
Sometimes in the realm of mental illness, people refer to those who struggle as “broken”. This has always bothered me! While my brain chemistry may not function in the typical way, and my hormones may need help to balance properly, I am still a whole, complete, and joyful human being. I don’t have to be “fixed” in order to love and be loved, and I am not defined by my anxiety and depression. Realizing this has helped me in my own personal journey towards living in the present and working through the hard days. However, in understanding that we are not “broken”, we should also work on accepting and acknowledging that mental illness is a part of our lives. Do not be afraid to own that part of yourself! It does not help, nor is it healthy, to deny when we are struggling or to ignore the parts of us that can be more painful. One of my very close friends once told me, “You have to feel it to heal it.” I love this concept. Seeing ourselves as we really are and admitting that we struggle is the first step to healing the very real pain that mental illness can cause.
#3 Ask for help – Professional and Otherwise
My own personal struggle with perfectionism, as well as the stigma often surrounding mental illness, made it difficult at first for me to reach out and ask for help when it came to my anxiety and depression. Now, however, I don’t know what I would do without the help that I receive from the many different resources that I’ve discovered around me! I have a therapist who has helped me discover the things that trigger my own anxiety along with arming me with tools to help manage it when things get tough. I see doctors and take a medication that helps with the chemical imbalances in my body. I have wonderful family and friends who check in frequently and make sure that I’m doing alright. I have even had kind strangers reach out and offer to help however they can! There is a wide variety of resources available to those of us who struggle with mental illness, and it is important to figure out what works for you!
Photo by Anne Healey Photography
When it comes to my relationship with my husband, I feel like my mental illness has brought us closer together as a unit. While we both understand that it is not my husband’s job to make my anxiety or depression go away, we’ve been able to learn and discover together how he can best support and help me through my hardest days. It has required us to communicate, have patience, and it frequently gives us opportunities to serve and be served. Striving for equal partnership in our relationship has been essential in helping me feel like I am not a burden in spite of my anxiety. While Mark doesn’t struggle with any sort of mental illness, he has other needs that allow me to serve him, and we are always seeking to lift and support each other.
The key to asking for and receiving help is vulnerability – you HAVE to be willing to admit that you need help in order to receive it! Be kind to yourself, and accept help from others as the true gift that it is.
#4 Believe that you are worthy of love (and make a plan to remind yourself)
Often our mental illnesses can make us feel like we don’t deserve to be in a relationship, or that no one will ever love us. This is a lie! It may take a bit longer to find the right person for you, but it is absolutely possible, and you are ALWAYS worthy of love.
When I first met my husband Mark, I was in the process of seeing a counselor and working through my anxiety. I was very nervous to tell him, because it showed him that I wasn’t perfect (shocker), and it required me to be incredibly vulnerable. I was afraid that the fact that I struggle with anxiety and depression would scare him away and that he wouldn’t want to be with me any more because of it. When I confided in him, however, he reacted better than I could have ever hoped for. He responded with complete love and understanding, and he kindly asked me questions about what I was dealing with so that he could better understand and show me love in the way I needed it. My vulnerability allowed him to express empathy, and actually deepened our relationship rather than weakening it. I understand that this is not always the case when we open up to others, and our struggles can sometimes scare people away. However, it is important to understand that those who choose to run away because of our mental illness either don’t understand and are afraid because they don’t know how to help, or aren’t really worth our time anyway. Those who are worth it and who truly understand YOUR real worth will stick around. And while they may take a while to enter the picture, trust me, they are worth the wait.
Mental illness distorts our perspective, and can make it incredibly difficult to see ourselves as we really are – particularly when it comes to self-worth. To help combat this, try creating a “toolkit” for days where you are feeling especially down. This kit can include letters from family or friends who care about you, pampering items like bath bombs or chocolate, a favorite movie or book, music that you love, a hobby that you particularly enjoy (for me, that’s drawing or crochet), anything that helps you feel comforted and/or more like yourself. Any time you are having a hard day, pull out your kit and remind yourself that you are worth loving!
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.