Think of a great day you’ve had recently. What activities and tasks did you do that day? What made it great? Why did you enjoy your day, or feel fulfilled?
I did this exercise a couple years back and was surprised to find I could narrow my very good day down to three factors:
Creativity, Connection, and Movement.
I remember going for a run that morning. Later, in the middle of running errands, I had the thought to check in on a friend at work. We had a great conversation during her lunch break. Later in the day, I spent time on a creative project. By the time I was in bed that night, I felt fulfilled, satisfied, and whole. I had filled my cup.
Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
While I encourage you to find your own components of a great day, I want to share more about mine–specifically tying them to research already found in articles on the Healthy Humans Project website. As you browse the articles that stand out to you, I encourage you to look at the “Related Articles” at the bottom of each page. As you start defining your own components of a great day, I encourage you to search for those topics on the sidebar. We have so many great resources here, and this is how I’m learning more about the things that I love!
Creativity
Creativity can mean a number of things–from singing in the car to writing in your journal to doodling, learning calligraphy, playing guitar, and more. I’ve always been creative, but as I’ve gotten out of the habit, I’ve had to be more intentional about making time to create. Right now, that looks like playing guitar on Sunday nights before bed. I also attended my first Paint Night recently, which destroyed my long-time limiting belief that I couldn’t paint! From the time I was a little, creativity has brought me so much joy. Research also shows that creativity can help manage stress, decrease symptoms of depression, and help individuals manage chronic illness, among obviously countless other benefits. A particular study a few years back examined the “relationships between creative activity, affect, and flourishing.” Researchers asked participants to keep a 13-day journal where they recorded their creativity throughout the day, how they were feeling at the end of the day, and if they felt like they were “flourishing.” Results showed that on days they practiced creativity, participants felt more “enthusiastic” and “energized.” Those results don’t surprise me at all.
Photo from Unsplash
For me, it’s well worth the time and effort tokeep creativity in my life.
Here are some articles on Healthy Human Project that talk about the value of creativity in our lives:
I recently moved to a new town and for the first time, knew no one around me. Despite chatting with friends from back home on the Marco Polo app every day, I still didn’t have anyone beside me, in person, supporting me through this hard transition. At one point, I realized it had been a week since I had hugged anyone, or had any physical contact–and physical contact is SO good for us. It took weeks until I finally started to connect with people in my new town–I just needed to find that right person to reach out to for help.
Healthy Humans Project is FILLED with wisdom on finding and strengthening our relationships, both platonic and intimate. Here are just a few articles about the power of connecting with others:
Exercising has saved my life, both by temporarily and regularlyincreasing endorphins in my brain, but also by giving me purpose–I have to be committed if I’m going to wake up for early morning runs with friends, or train for and complete races. In the article “For Depression and Anxiety, Running Is a Unique Therapy” on the Runner’s World website, additional benefits of being physically active are highlighted. They include creating momentum and physical energy, providing space to process thoughts and clear brain fog, and increasing the production of beneficial chemicals in the brain. Here are some articles on Healthy Humans Project that highlight the benefits of movement and spending time outside:
The things that fill my cup may not be the things that fill your cup, but I hope my insights help you consider your own! Life is hard–and for every article about joy I’ve shared, I can share a billion more about grief, resiliency, and more. But it’s worth finding that joy in the everyday, and holding onto it. What are you going to do today to feel joy?
Find out what your favorite days are comprised of, and start doing more of those things every day. Be intentional about your happiness.
Bonus: Browse through Healthy Humans Project to learn more about the things that matter to you, the healthy habits you want to develop, and the topics you want to learn more about.
References
Conner, T. S., DeYoung, C. G., & Silvia, P. J. (2016). “Everyday creative activity as a path to flourishing.” The Journal of Positive Psychology, 13(2), as cited in Gregoire, C. (2016 December 2). Why Finding Time Each Day For Creativity Makes You Happier. Huffpost. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/creativity-happiness psychology_n_58419e0ce4b0c68e0480689a
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
It hits when you expect it the least. It hits you walking past the baby aisle in the grocery store. It hits you driving past a cemetery. It hits when you look at photos. It hits you when a pregnancy announcement or engagement comes through on your social media feed. It hits you when the holidays come and you’re thousands of miles from family. It never really leaves, and it comes and goes.
What is Grief?
Grief is “the response to loss that contains thoughts, behaviors, emotions and physiological changes; if the loss is permanent so too is the grief, but it evolves and changes as a person adapts to the loss (The Center for Complicated Grief: Overview).” Grief, while including death, also includes any loss that one can experience. This includes losses such as miscarriage, infertility, graduating from school, relationships, moving somewhere new, and health complications, to name just a few.
Photo by Ben White on Unsplash
The “Stages” of Grief
There are no real set-in-stone stages of grief. Many of us have been taught the most well-known model of the Five Stages of Grief, however, research has gone on to show that putting grief into so-called stages can actually be incredibly damaging because not everyone will go through these specific stages. Compartmentalizing grief can create an idea of grieving wrong or incorrectly (Stroebe, Schut & Boerner, 2017). So rather than talking about stages of grief, I’m going to talk about various principles of grief drawn from these so-called stages in the next section.
Grieving
The most important thing to remember about grieving is that everyone grieves differently (Stroebe, Schut & Boerner, 2017).No two people will grieve in exactly the same way. It’s okay to grieve for things and people that others may not. It’s okay to grieve in the way that works for you. And remember while you are grieving to not compare the way you grieve to the way other people grieve.
Grief comes with a variety of different emotions. The most common emotions associated with grief are shock and disbelief, sadness, guilt, anger, and fear (Coping with Grief and Loss, 2019). These emotions are normal to feel with grief and sometimes will reappear at different points throughout grieving. Some people will experience all of these emotions, some may only experience a few, and that is okay because we all grieve differently.
Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash
Grief can lead to questioning our belief-systems and understanding about life and the world. When a person dies we often ask questions like, “Why did this happen to them?” or, “Why not someone else?” or, “They were such a good person why did they have to die?” These questions are often based on ideas or belief systems such as the just-world hypothesis (the idea that when we are a good person we should only have good things happen to us). When these core beliefs are betrayed by mortality, they can be called into question, and that is OKAY. It’s okay to question and wonder why. Some will try to bargain with their higher power as part of their questioning. (Feldman, 2017)
Grief may eventually lead to acceptance. Grief helps us to come to the point of accepting both what happened and the emotions surrounding the loss as real and valid. There is no rush whatsoever to get to the point of acceptance (Feldman, 2017) and we shouldn’t feel the need to get there in a hurry.
The last point I want to make about grieving comes a little from research and from my own experience. Most people get through the hard, strong, initial grieving within about six months (DePaulo, 2019) but it’s okay if it takes longer. The initial grieving is hard and consuming but it does get easier. I say “gets easier” rather than “goes away”, because in my own life experiences I have found that grief ebbs and flows. Some days, grief shows right up and sits with me for a while. Other days it presents itself in small moments, and other days it’s virtually non-existent.
Photo by J Waye Covington on Unsplash
Coping with Grief
Just like dealing with mental illness or a physical ailment, we have to cope with grief to live our everyday lives. Here are some ideas to help with grief:
Seek support from friends and family members
Find comfort in your faith (this can be religion or spirituality in general)
Write in a journal
Embrace your feelings
Take care of your physical health
Remind yourself that your grief is yours
(Coping with Grief and Loss, 2019)
Final Thoughts
Grief is hard and it’s recurring. But it’s also an opportunity to deal with loss in the most human way possible. Grief at times may be consuming but it also provides an old friend as we go through loss throughout our life. Give yourself permission to grieve even if it’s from something from years ago in your past. It’s okay to grieve and it’s okay to re-grieve. And remember your grief is your own. Everyone will grieve differently and that’s beautiful.
Option #1: Share your thoughts about grief in your journal or on social media
Option #2: Share this post to help others learn more about grief
Stroebe, M., Schut, H., & Boerner, K. (2017). Cautioning Health-Care Professionals. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 74(4), 455–473. doi: 10.1177/0030222817691870
Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
How can I stop being afraid of relationships? Fear is a universal emotion, and perhaps the most resisted. Our current age provides us with constant and limitless information. This access to data can also generate anxiety. Sometimes the more advice we get the less sure we are of life’s choices. A major, modern concern is in regard to relationships. Have you ever felt scared of marriage after hearing about your friend’s messy divorce? Or wanted to end things after something was said or done that reminded you of a past disappointment? The majority of people will say they desire connection and a romantic partnership, but the uncertainty in achieving that goal often keeps us from trying. While fear is a normal part of life, it does not have to be crippling.
Fear of relationships doesn’t actually protect us from the challenges in relationships. Understanding fear can improve our bonds with others. Leaning into the emotion and asking yourself how this perception came to be will start you on the path to bravery. Fear of fear will hinder our growth. Owning our fear and seeking to understand it gives us back our power.
Fear or Uncertainty
Fear is meant to fuel an action that creates more safety. When we feel unease, we usually avoid the environment that triggered the feeling. Often we bypass associating with others because we’d like to feel sure. However, we cannot be certain of a person unless we make an attempt to connect with them. This is why many individuals who fear relationships feel that the process is a catch-22. In the book The Four Loves it states, “There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one…But [your heart] will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell” (Lewis, 1960).
Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash
The reality is, no matter how knowledgeable or prepared we may feel for relationships, there will always be a risk. We take risks all the time. We risk getting out of bed each morning. We risk rejection when we interview for a new job. We risk our safety when we drive on the road, or get on a plane. While the outcome of such decisions aren’t always in our control, we still take action. Why? Because we’ve practiced. We’ve practiced the choices of ambiguity enough to have hope in the process of life. The way to fear relationships less is to practice this same hope in our experiences with others. Relationships involve discomfort and uncertainty. We will experience hurt in and out of relationships. So, what motivates us to participate in this connection process if it is never a guaranteed safe experience?
We Are Meant to Love
“We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering” (Brown, 2012). The reason we engage in such a risky process as connection is because it’s at the core of life’s meaning. It gives flavor and joy to our lives. It also brings disappointment and challenges. But real suffering comes in avoiding connection altogether. We all need each other if we want to grow.
Photo from pexels.com
Be Brave and Choose Hope
The brain is programmed to protect. This is normal and necessary for our survival. The emotion of fear is nothing more than a chemical reaction working its way through the body as a result of a thought in our mind (Moore, 2018). So, how do we be brave in our ties with others? It starts with our thinking. We have tens of thousands of thoughts a day, and the majority tend to be negative and repetitive. Unless we make those unconscious beliefs conscious, we will be controlled by them. Like Earl Nightingale said, “Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become reality” (Nightingale, 2019). Thought work can be arduous, but just like all good things, it is worth it.
Thinking Errors are patterns of thought that engender fear and other difficult emotions (Boyes, 2013). Patterns such as catastrophizing, all-or-nothing thinking, and fortune-telling are a few of the ways in which our thoughts do us a disservice. When fearful thoughts about others arise ask yourself, “what real evidence is there that this thought is true?”, “Is there a more helpful way to think about this?”, “What’s the likelihood that this will happen?” Remember: don’t believe everything you think. I’m not suggesting that we don’t trust ourselves. Quite the opposite. Our gut knows more than our mind at times. Rather, observe if your thinking is accurate or exaggerated. The more honest you are, the more you can trust yourself. The way we show up for others is deeply based on our thinking. If we fear them, we will show up defensive, worried and insecure. If we choose hope and value the process of connection, we will show up in a way that is honest, vulnerable, and joyful (Moore, 2018).
Photo by Kate Kalvach on Unsplash
So, how can we stop fearing connection? Practice. Take small steps of vulnerability with those who matter to you. Trust is built up of many small and proactive efforts. Start viewing connection in a realistic way. Be the watcher of your thoughts (Tolle, 1997). Notice your errors in thinking, and switch to more helpful ideas. Yes, there will be discomfort and conflict in relationships. It may hurt, and things may even end. But that’s no reason not to try. Let go. Be brave. And recognize that most people have similar fears, but want to love and connect as well. Uncertainty is uncomfortable, but we can handle discomfort. Especially when such risks can lead us to deep and meaningful connections.
Practice mindfulness around your relationship thoughts this week. Study the thinking errors, and pick the one you’d like to work on. As fear arises in the mind walk yourself through your thoughts and feelings by asking yourself the questions in the “be brave” section above. Repeat this de-escalation process until it’s a habit.
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Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), sometimes called seasonal depression impacts an estimated 10 million people every year (Mayo Clinic, 2017). Characterized by symptoms of increased lethargy, fatigue, depression, hopelessness, increased moodiness, changes in weight and appetite, increased sleep, and decreased motivation, SAD usually begins in the fall and ends at the end of winter when days get longer and temperatures rise. Risk factors include family history of mental illness, and having bipolar disorder, especially bipolar II. Women are 4x more likely to have SAD than men (Mayo Clinic, 2017). Having said this, SAD can impact people during the summer, but is less common. We’ll save that conversation for warmer weather and focus on winter SAD for now.
Winter can be hard for everyone, not just those with SAD. If you don’t have SAD but you find yourself lonely, sad, lethargic, or grieving during the winter months, these tips for coping can help you too.
Light Therapy
Bright light has been proven to be effective in reducing symptoms of seasonal affective disorder, particularly when used two hours daily during the winter season. (Terman, et al., 1989). Light therapy helps regulate the body’s circadian phases by helping to regulate the body’s mood affecting chemicals and hormones (Youngstedt, et al., 2016). You can get light therapy lights on Amazon if you’re interested in giving it a shot.
Exercise
This is pretty obvious. Exercise increases endorphins and serotonin levels, helping to combat depressive symptoms (Leppämäki, et al., 2002). Increasing the heart rate is a great way to fight off feelings of hopelessness and lethargy and other symptoms of depression (Blumenthal et. al., 2012). Sometimes it can be hard to find the motivation, but don’t give up. Push yourself.
Photo from pexels.com
Talk Therapy
As with any mood disorder, talk therapy can be effective in processing through depressive symptoms and feelings of hopelessness or lack of motivation. So if you’re feeling a “winter funk”, consider that maybe it really is a big deal. Seeking support and help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s just taking care of yourself.
Vitamin D
Vitamin D is another way to help stabilize mood. SAD and low vitamin D levels are connected (Whiteman, 2014). Get as much sunlight as you can despite the cold, darker days, and increase food like fish, egg yolks, fortified dairy products and mushrooms. Consult a physician to take vitamin D supplements.
Photo from pexels.com
Social interactions
Even though having SAD makes it easier to isolate and comes with a lack of motivation, getting out and spending time with friends and family is an important way to cope and keep that depressed mood at bay. When my husband lived in Alaska, he met a mayor of a small town who held a weekly dinner at his home and would make personal visits to the citizens of the town to help them feel valued and combat depression and loneliness. Citizens of the town talked about how much they appreciated having these weekly dinners, particularly during the winter.
When it comes down to it, depression, anxiety, bipolar, and SAD are serious mood disorders which are commonly comorbid (occurring simultaneously), so be sure to take care of yourself and your loved ones. We all need love and care.
1. Take time for self care.
2. Check on a loved one who may be struggling with any emotion or mental health challenge, not just SAD.
References
Blumenthal, J. A., Smith, P. J., & Hoffman, B. M. (2012). Is Exercise a Viable Treatment for Depression? ACSMs HealthFit. https://doi/10.1249/01.FIT.0000416000.09526.eb
Leppämäki, S., Partonen, T., & Lönnqvist, J. (2002). Bright-light exposure combined with physical exercise elevates mood. Journal of Affective Disorders, 72(2), 139–144. https://doi/10.1016/s0165-0327(01)00417-7
Terman, M., Terman, J. S., Quitkin, F. M., McGrath, P. J., Stewart, J. W., & Rafferty, B. (1989). Light therapy for Seasonal Affective Disorder. Neuropsychopharmacology, 2(1), 1–22. https://doi/10.1016/0893-133x(89)90002-x
Whiteman, H. (2014). Researchers link vitamin D deficiency to seasonal affective disorder. Medical News Today. Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/286496.php#1
Youngstedt, S. D., Kline, C. E., Elliot, J. A., Zielinski, M. R., Devlin, T. M., & Moore, T. A. (2016). Circadian Phase-Shifting Effects of Bright Light, Exercise, and Bright Light Exercise. Journal of Circadian Rhythms, 14(1). https://doi/10.5334/jcr.137
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Having personal boundaries is key to ensuring relationships of any type are supportive, uplifting, and respectful. Boundaries help us maintain our own needs and help us stay in-tune with ourselves. We all need boundaries – they truly pave the way for us to be at peace and maintain healthy relationships.
What even are boundaries?
First thing’s first: A boundary is not a boundary if it is hurtful. Implementing boundaries can be awkward or uncomfortable at the beginning, but fundamentally, boundaries exist to help both the person setting the boundary and the person who is “receiving” the boundary.
Boundaries are usually physical and/or emotional limits that you don’t want others to cross. They typically help you recognize the amount of time, money, or energy you can afford to give to others. Essentially, boundaries can be anything you want them to be. I know, I know, that’s not very specific, but they vary by circumstance and are set to make you feel safe. “Generally, this sense of safety evolves from having an appropriate balance of closeness or distance in the relationship and also the extent to which people involved in the relationship have dual roles (e.g., therapist and friend)” (Lord, Summers, & Turnbull, 2004). Boundaries can exist in any type of relationship – a roommate, a parent/child, romantic partners, siblings, friends, coworkers, professional/client, and more!
When I was in college, I had a roommate with very severe anxiety and depression. They attempted suicide multiple times while we were living together – and we were the only two individuals in our apartment. I got to the point where I had severe anxiety going/being home because I was so worried about my roommate. I was one of only a couple of people that they socialized with, so I felt very responsible for their well-being and assisting in their mental health. With the guidance from a mentor, I set the boundary with my roommate that if they needed to talk about deep-specifics, they would have to turn to another individual. If they were feeling suicidal, I would immediately call the on-campus emergency hotline. I also encouraged them to find a therapist better able to meet their needs. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to love and support them, because I did, but to maintain our friendship and help both of our emotional states, I had to vocalize that boundary and why I needed it.
Graphic by @the.holistic.psychologist
How do I actually set a boundary?
“Establishing appropriate boundaries is a skill that requires a lot of thought and practice” (Cosio, 2014).
Here are some steps to get you started:
Be direct. Clear communication is the key to setting boundaries. As I mentioned before, it can be a little awkward to tell someone that you need space or they can’t borrow any more money from you. I would encourage you to write out your reasoning in order to best be able to explain what boundary you are setting and why.
Be assertive. Almost as difficult as setting a boundary is following through on a boundary that you’ve set. It can be easy to justify why you should make an exception “just this once” or that “this’ll be the last time,” but being flaky about your needs will leave you worse off than where you started.
Have support. If the boundary that you are setting has the potential to benefit more than you and the individual you’re making a boundary with, discuss it with them beforehand. The more ideas and ways to approach a situation you have, the better. Be sure that you have someone to turn to throughout all parts of the boundary-setting process.
Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash
Internal Boundaries
Healthy internal boundaries help you to not feel responsible for the actions and feelings of others. This is not to say that we shouldn’t be aware of those around us, rather, we should have the strength to make sure we aren’t absorbing or obsessing over other people’s problems. This can be really difficult! But setting internal boundaries can help you feel empowered to set external boundaries as well.
Note: It’s easy to feel guilt or shame when setting any kind of boundaries, but sometimes I find it harder to disappoint myself than others. This guilt should be faced head-on. Usually, it means that your boundary-setting is on the right track.
In this digital age, we are always connected. You can access your work email on vacation. Your husband can text you when you’re with a friend. These days, it’s hard to devote our time, energy, and resources to just one thing. But “creating healthy boundaries helps maintain work-life balance, promote resilience, and develop stronger coping strategies” (Holowaychuk 2018). It takes time and practice, but it is an important life skill to have.
Write a personal mission statement. What are you dedicated to? Even if you don’t feel like you have any boundaries to set, this can help you to evaluate whether or not worrying about others’ emotions and problems is holding you back from what you expect from your life.
References
Cook, J. L., Jones, R. M., & Vaterlaus, J. M. (2017). Drawing the line: An exploratory study of single college student perceptions of marital boundaries in opposite sex relationships. Marriage & Family Review, 53(2), 151–165. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/01494929.2016.1186771
McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
Find out what your favorite days are comprised of, and start doing more of those things every day. Be intentional about your happiness.
