Love, Me, Mental Notes

Suicide: Changing the Conversation

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Cover photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Written by Anasteece Smith and Rian Gordon
Suicide.
Hearing the word may make you uncomfortable but we need to talk about it. 
Scratch that, we HAVE to talk about it. 
Suicide is the second leading cause of death in the world for those between ages 15-24 (SAVE, 2020) and the tenth leading cause of death in the United States for all ages. This means that the majority of people will in some way be touched by suicide in their lives. Yet, many are unsure of how to talk about suicide or how to get help if they become suicidal. 
Photo by Polina Zimmerman from Pexels

Myths and Facts

Myth #1: Talking about suicide causes suicide
Fact: Talking about suicide opens the conversation and can be a preventative measure. Having these sometimes difficult conversations allows the person struggling to talk about what they are going through and can help them to see things from an outside perspective. It’s okay to ask questions and to be specific about those questions. It’s okay to share your own experiences with suicide or suicidality because sharing helps us know we’re not alone, and helps to fight shame and stigma. (Nevada Division of Public and Behavioral Health, 2019)
Myth #2: People who are suicidal want their life to end
Fact: People who are suicidal usually don’t want to end their lives, rather they want to end their suffering. They are often in such a dark, hopeless place that they feel there is no way to end their suffering other than by taking their own life. (Fuller, 2018)
Myth #3: Suicide only affects those who have a mental disorder(s)
Fact: While mental disorders can be a risk factor for suicide, that does not mean that everyone that has one has suicidal thoughts, ideation etc. You also do not have to have a mental illness to feel suicidal. Often there are other stressors such as relationship problems, abuse, illness, crisis, etc. that can lead to suicide. (Fuller, 2018)
Myth #4: Most suicides happen suddenly
Fact: Rarely does suicide happen suddenly. Usually the person who is suicidal shows warning signs. These signs are often shown to those who are closest to them, and those people may not recognize that these are warning signs. It’s important to know the signs so that we can help those who may be at risk for suicide. (Fuller, 2018)
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What we need to change when we talk about suicide

Using the Word – We need to use the word suicide rather than beating around the bush or using other terms. It’s okay to say the word suicide, and it’s okay to say that you’re suicidal. It’s important that we use the word because the more that we talk about it, the more we can end the stigma around it. (Roe, 2019)
Change the Language – We need to be careful about what words we use when discussing suicide. We partitcularly need to stop using phrases like, “Successfully committed suicide,” or, “Failed suicide attempt”. Words like “successful” and “failed” can carry other meanings, some with positive implications, like “successful”, or negative, like “committed”, which makes it sounds like a crime has taken place. Rather,  we should use phrases like, “Died by suicide,” because it’s more accurate and less emotionally charged. It is important that we talk about suicide respectfully because we are all human and vulnerable. (Roe, 2019)
Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash

What to do if you’re suicidal

1. Don’t be afraid to ask for help – You do not have to face this alone. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or thinking about taking your own life, PLEASE reach out to someone you trust. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or you can chat online at this link here. If you feel more comfortable texting, you can text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor. If you are part of the LGBTQ Community, you can call the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or visit their website for options to chat and text. (LGB youth are almost five times as likely to have attempted suicide compared to heterosexual youth.) (The Trevor Project, 2017)
2. Make a safety plan – Having a plan in place for when you are in a suicidal mindset can take away some of the pressure of having to think critically when you are in a state of overwhelm.
  • What you might include in your plan: 
    • Warning signs to watch for (thoughts, images, mood, situations, behavior, etc., that indicate a crisis might be happening)
    • Ideas for how to help yourself (self-soothing techniques, positive distractions, etc.)
    • People you can ask for help (include names and contact information)
    • Ideas for how you can make your environment safe for you
    • A list of things that are important to you and/or worth living for
3. Remember, feelings are temporary – No matter how hopeless things may seem, you are wanted and needed on this earth. Do not make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings. You can and will get through this. 
Photo by Scott Broome on Unsplash

How to help someone who is suicidal

1. Watch for signs – If your friend is feeling suicidal, it may be difficult for them to reach out and ask for help.  Here are some signs to look for that can help you recognize that they may be struggling:
  • Verbal Signs
    • Talking about wanting to die or kill themselves
    • Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live
    • Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain
    • Talking about being a burden to others
  • Behavioral Signs
    • Increased drug or alcohol abuse or relapsing after being in recovery
    • Looking for a way to kill themselves, like searching online, buying a gun, stockpiling pills
    • Unexplained anger, aggression and irritability; behaving recklessly 
    • Sudden interest or disinterest in religion
    • Giving away prized possessions
    • Getting personal affairs in order
    • Sleeping too little or too much
    • Withdrawing or isolating themselves
    • Extreme mood swings
    • Previous suicide attempts
  • Situational Signs
    • Fired of expelled from school
    • Unwanted move
    • Loss of major relationship
    • Death of someone by suicide
    • Diagnosis of serious or terminal illness
    • Other life events or changes
2. Ask, and then listen with empathy – It’s important that you ask the question directly–are you thinking about killing yourself? Are you suicidal? Do you have a suicide plan? It may come as a natural flow of conversation or you may just have to ask out of the blue. When you ask, make sure it is in a private setting, and give them the time that they need to talk. However they respond, listen with empathy and avoid reacting with shame or judgment. Don’t feel like you have to present a solution or fix it for them right then and there. Just let them know that you care about and are there for them. 
Photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels
3. Take their thoughts and feelings seriously – Remember, when someone says they are suicidal, it’s important to believe them and not assume they are just being dramatic or seeking attention. Regardless of whether or not you feel your friend’s situation is truly as hopeless as they feel, if someone is thinking or talking about suicide, you should always take them seriously.
4. Get help – Encourage your friend to seek help, and don’t promise to keep their struggles a secret. Neither of you has to bear this burden alone. Help your friend identify others who can also be a part of their support system and help them get through this difficult time. 
5. Know what resources are available – Your friend may be overwhelmed and not know where to go to get help. If you are on a college campus, find their counseling and psychological services as well as their after-hours line. If your friend is an immediate danger to themselves, call 9-1-1. Do a quick Google search or refer to the previous section about help lines you can contact or direct them to. If your friend protests and gets upset that you have contacted someone, don’t worry. It’s  ALWAYS better to have an angry, alive friend. 
Photo by Käännöstoimisto Transly on Unsplash
Suicide is painful and tragic, and also one of the only causes of death that is 100% preventable. We have the power to stop suicide by talking about it, fighting shame and stigma, and by empathizing with and being there for one another. For the sake of ourselves, and our loved ones, we HAVE to change the conversation. 
Share one of the facts about suicide from this article on social media or with a loved one.

References

Fuller, K., M.D. (2018, September 6). 5 Common Myths About Suicide Debunked. Retrieved September 12, 2020, from https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/September-2018/5-Common-Myths-About-Suicide-Debunked
Nevada Division of Public and Behavioral Health. (2019). The Myths & Facts of Youth Suicide. Retrieved September 12, 2020, from http://suicideprevention.nv.gov/Youth/Myths/
Quinnett, P., Ph. D. (2016).  Ask a Question, Save a Life [Pamphlet]. QPR Institute.
Roe, T, (2019, May 24), Suicide. Podcast Therapy Thoughts. Retrieved from https://anchor.fm/therapythoughts/episodes/Episode-27-Suicide-Thoughts-from-a-human-therapist-e44t2t
SAVE. (2020). Suicide Statistics and Facts. Retrieved September 12, 2020, from https://save.org/about-suicide/suicide-facts/
The Trevor Project. (2017, September 20). Facts About Suicide. Retrieved September 12, 2020, from https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/preventing-suicide/facts-about-suicide/

 

 

Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
 

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes

Distress Management 101

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Cover photo by Finn Hackshaw on Unsplash

Written by Anasteece Smith
Feeling overwhelmed? Exhausted? Irritable? Discouraged? Stressed? 
You are not alone. We are living in unprecedented times, and that tends to stress us out. A lot of the outlets that we may normally use to cope with our stress have been restricted or taken away and that makes it harder to maintain fluctuating levels of stress. 
Let’s talk about some ways you can better manage your stress, because, as a professor of mine would so lovingly remind me, “stress management is life management.” 

Prioritize 

When we’re stressed, it can be really hard to figure out what we need to do and how to accomplish it. What things absolutely have to get done and what things can wait? There is a wide variety of resources out there to help answer this question, such as the Covey Quadrant Method, the prioritized to-do list, Productivity Boot Camp, etc. My personal favorite is the sticky note method, which essentially gives you a visual representation of what you’ve accomplished. 
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Photo by Kaboompics .com from Pexels
The sticky note method goes like this (Wheeler, 2019):
  1. Get a pad of sticky notes
  2. Write down what you need to get done, one task per sticky note
  3. Make sure that when you write the task you are specific. For example, “spend 30 minutes trimming the bushes” instead of “yard work”
  4. Once you have the tasks you need to get done written out, take the sticky notes and put them somewhere you can see them in order from most important to least important 
  5. When you finish a task, take the sticky note off and throw it away
If you don’t finish all of the tasks by the end of the day, that’s okay! Rarely do we finish everything we intend to accomplish all in one sitting. Leave the sticky notes up and then keep working on them the next day. 
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Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Self-Care

We have talked a lot about self-care here at the Healthy Humans Project, and that’s because it is so important! Being stressed out all the time often leaves us feeling like we don’t have the time or energy to take care of ourselves, but it’s absolutely vital that we do. It may seem more important to get those dishes done or disinfect the high-touch services for the third time this week, but this will ultimately leave you feeling tired and even more exhausted than before. Make the time each day to take care of yourself. That doesn’t mean you have to take three hours for self-care! Your self-care is going to look different depending on your current level of stress, and on your needs for that day (Gordon, 2019). One day it may be taking 20 minutes to watch an episode of your favorite show, doing a face mask, or even taking a nap. Other days you’ll have more time to take that bubble bath or watch that movie on your watch list. What matters is that you are taking the time to take care of yourself. 

Exercise

Exercise is one of the best forms of stress relief. The type of exercise you choose doesn’t really matter, what matters that you move your body on a daily basis. Find what makes you feel good! Moving your body can mean dancing in the kitchen to blasting music, going for a run, doing a workout video from YouTube, or going to the gym (if, you know, that’s an option). Exercise has many benefits for stress. When you exercise your body naturally releases endorphins (sometimes known as a runner’s high), which makes you feel happier. When you exercise consistently it can boost your mood and help with mild depression and anxiety (Exercise and Stress, 2018). 
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Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash
Additionally, exercise is great for helping ease the body’s response to stress. Our bodies have two major nervous systems that govern a wide variety of physiological responses, known as the parasympathetic and the sympathetic nervous systems. The parasympathetic system is commonly referred to as the “rest and digest” system, and the sympathetic as the fight, flight or freeze response. When we are stressed, our body triggers the sympathetic nervous system, causing muscle tension, a racing heart, and adrenaline release throughout the body to prepare for fight, flight or freeze. As we exercise, our body is able to use this stress response to actually benefit our body by building muscle and strengthening our cardiovascular system. It also helps to regulate our body’s stress response. Check out this video here, and this one here if you would like to learn more.

Sleep

Stress can impact our ability to sleep, which is problematic because we also need sleep to help combat stress! While we sleep, our bodies do maintenance to repair and heal our bodies, as well as helping with memory consolidation (Stress and Sleep, 2013). When we are stressed, we often don’t get enough sleep, leaving us tired or even more stressed (anyone else stress how much sleep they aren’t getting??). Most often, stress leaves us unable to get high-quality sleep, which then affects our mood and our ability to cope with life. 
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We need to make sure that we are getting at least 8 hours of sleep at night regardless of age (kids, babies and teens are in the group that needs more than that). Thankfully, there are some things we can do to help us sleep better. First, establish a routine around bedtime. For example, take a shower, brush your teeth, read for 30 minutes, and then go to sleep. Sticking to a routine signals to the body that it is time to go to sleep. Second, turn off electronics two hours before bedtime. Blue light is notoriously known for interfering with the ability to sleep. Or, if you have to use a device, switch it to night mode where it turns down how much blue light your screen emits. Third, save the bed for sleeping and sex with your partner. The less we do in bed, the more the brain will associate it with sleeping, making it easier to actually get sleep. (How to Sleep Better, 2020)

Mindfulness—Breathing 

Mindfulness and its various practices have endless benefits. But I want to talk specifically about breathing because it’s one of the most underrated stress management techniques. As we all know, we have to breathe in order to survive. But our breathing has a greater effect on our bodies than we sometimes realize. Our breathing has the ability to help calm the sympathetic nervous system (remember that fight, flight, freeze response?) by lowering our heart rate, relaxing our muscles, and helping us get back to our thinking brain. 
Here is an easy breathing technique you can try, taught by LMFT Tammy Hill: 
  1. Close your eyes and sit comfortably 
  2. Inhale for three counts 
  3. Hold at the top for three counts
  4. Exhale for three counts
  5. Repeat as needed

Connect

“We are neurobiologically hardwired for connection with other people. In the absence of connection, love, and belonging, there is always suffering.”– Brené Brown, Netflix Special The Call to Courage
We are hardwired for connection, and that connection helps us to deal with our stress. We need other people to talk to, to vent to, to support, and to support us. Being around others and interacting with others helps to ease the stress of everyday life. When we feel we have people we can turn to, or know that we have people supporting us, we can get through difficult times because we know we are loved regardless of our personal successes or failures. While it may not be possible to connect with people in person right now, we can video chat, text, call, write letters, etc. to keep connected with others.
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Photo by Helena Lopes from Pexels
For me personally, it has been so hard to not have in-person interaction with people outside of my spouse. Yes, I have been able to video chat and text, but it’s not the same as sitting down with friends at a restaurant or participating in in-person church services. It feels isolating to sit behind a screen and not be able to give someone a hug or be there for them when it feels like everything is falling apart for them or to be able to celebrate a graduation or marriage. Just know that if you are struggling too, you are not alone.

Gratitude

Sometimes in the mounds of stress, it’s easy to forget that there is more to life than just getting our to-do list done. Being grateful doesn’t take a lot of time,. It can simply be saying, “Today I am grateful to be alive,” or “I’m grateful that I got out of bed today.” It can be sitting down at the end of the day and writing down three things you’re grateful for in a journal. These few moments may seem insignificant, but they can literally re-wire our brains. Research has found that people who keep a gratitude journal see a decline in perceived stress in as little as two weeks, meaning that when we are grateful we see things more as they truly are rather than just what we are stressed about (UC Davis Health, 2015). As we look for things to be grateful for, our perspective shifts and it makes it easier to cope with our day-to-day lives. So, right now, pause to write down three things you’re grateful for, send a text saying thank you to someone, and remember that life won’t always be like this!
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Photo by Taisiia Stupak on Unsplash

Self-Compassion

Finally, when we are stressed, one of the most important things we can do is to remember to have compassion for ourselves. Often, we won’t get everything done that we would like to, and that’s okay! Some days we won’t get anything done because stress, mental health etc. require us to step back and take a do-nothing day to take care of ourselves. When those days and moments come, it’s imperative that we have compassion for ourselves. It’s okay to step back and say, “I’m struggling right now and so are others. I can be mindful of my emotions and acknowledge them without being consumed by them. I can be kind and understanding to myself regardless of whether I got everything done that I would have liked.” Self-compassion is a powerful principle! If you’d like to learn more about it, I would recommend checking this Ted Talk by self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff.
Don’t let your stress get the best of you. Take things a day at a time, don’t give up, and be kind to yourself. We’re all figuring this out, and we’ll make it through together!
For more ways to cope with distress, check out The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook from the New Harbinger Institute. 
Personal Practice 1Choose one of the strategies listed in this article to implement into your life this week to help you better manage your distress. 

References

Brown, B. (2019). The Call to Courage [Video file]. Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.netflix.com/title/81010166
Exercise and stress: Get moving to manage stress. (2020, August 18). Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/exercise-and-stress/art-20044469
Gordon, R. (2019, August 29). Self-Care for Busy Humans. Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/self-care-for-busy-humans/
How to Sleep Better. (2020, August 13). Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.sleepfoundation.org/articles/healthy-sleep-tips
Stress and Sleep. (2013). Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2013/sleep
UC Davis Health, P. (2015, November 25). Gratitude is good medicine. Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://health.ucdavis.edu/medicalcenter/features/2015-2016/11/20151125_gratitude.html
Wheeler, C. (2019, May 20). How to Get Way More Done Using the Sticky Note Technique. Retrieved August 24, 2020, from https://academysuccess.com/sticky-note-technique/ 

 

 

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Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
 
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Love, Me, Mental Notes, Power Couples

Grieving After a Miscarriage

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Cover photo by John Looy on Unsplash

Written by McKay Strong
Around 15% of pregnancies in the United States result in a miscarriage (Swanson et al., 2009). A miscarriage — sometimes called a “spontaneous abortion” — occurs when there is a sudden loss of pregnancy prior to the 20th week. So many factors go into the creation and growth of a fetus, and yet often, the cause of a pregnancy loss can never truly be identified. Although there has been an increase in the discussion surrounding miscarriages, it seems that many women are unaware of both the physical and psychological impacts of a miscarrying (Mcgee et al., 2018). Not only is there a lack of knowledge, but there is a stigma surrounding miscarriages and pregnancy loss. Although a large part of a miscarriage involves medical symptoms, focusing only on that neglects the psychological and relational aspects as well.
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Photo by Drew Hays on Unsplash
Research shows that following a miscarriage, women, in particular, tend to experience “an initial shock, … ongoing symptoms, and … a forever missing piece” (Mcgee et al., 2018). If you have ever experienced a miscarriage, feeling an overwhelming sense of grief is normal. From the moment a woman (or a couple) finds out that they are expecting, their entire mindset changes. They begin preparing for a child’s arrival. They discuss baby names, they buy cute infant clothes. Every thought tends to revolve around the upcoming addition to their family. “Grieving a miscarriage [tends] to be difficult because [there are] no accepted ritual[s] for processing grief…” (Mcgee et al.,2018). And unfortunately, many feel like they need to suffer in silence. 
When a child is lost earlier in a pregnancy, parents-to-be are expected to accept it and easily move on. If neither the mother- nor father-to-be has felt their unborn child, or even had an ultrasound or heard a heartbeat, those outside of the relationship may think there is nothing to mourn.

Miscarriage

As someone who has lost multiple members of my immediate family, I can tell you that losing an unborn child is a completely different type of loss. I don’t think there is a way to prepare yourself to go through it, so just be patient and don’t be afraid to feel what you are feeling.
In their research study, McGee, PettyJohn, & Gallus found that, “Nine out of the ten women described a sense of isolation following miscarriage” (2018). Because women do experience so many physical symptoms of pregnancy, even if they have a male partner in the picture, mothers-to-be tend to feel isolated. Men have a hard time understanding what women are experiencing physically, and because men are mourning the potential of fatherhood, not motherhood, women tend to have a more difficult time understanding their pain in turn. Miscarrying tests a partnership in a different way than any other trial can. Be sure to give each other room to grieve in whatever way each of you needs, and be patient with one another. Share how you are feeling, seek to express empathy, and don’t hesitate to just cry together. 
Pregnancy or even trying to get pregnant after a miscarriage can be especially difficult. Not only can your body exhibit different symptoms, but there also tends to be deep-ingrained anxiety. It’s hard not to expect and assume you will miscarry again. These feelings are real and valid, but it is best to acknowledge why you are feeling this way and practice ways to help calm your fears. Discussing your anxieties with your partner or a loved one is a good place to start. What are your biggest fears in regards to pregnancy? How much of that stems from your experience miscarrying? Don’t be afraid to feel what you are feeling. 
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Photo by cottonbro from Pexels
If you have gone through a miscarriage, stillbirth, or pregnancy loss of any kind, please know that you are not alone, no matter how it may seem. You may be 1 in 4 women, but you are so much more than a statistic. That was your baby, and it’s okay to not be okay – no matter how long ago you may have experienced this. Time may not heal your wounds completely, but it will help you better understand what you are feeling. There is no specific way to grieve, and it is okay to feel angry or sad or even indifferent. 
Pregnancy loss may be common, but that doesn’t make your experience any less significant. Don’t be afraid to reach out to those around you if you are going through a miscarriage. Be patient with yourself and your body. Additionally, be patient with your partner and try your best to understand their experiences through a pregnancy loss.
Personal Practice 1Self: If you feel comfortable doing so, write down your experience with miscarriage. You can share this with others if you want, but try to reflect on how you may have felt during that time.
Others: If you yourself have not experienced a pregnancy loss, but know of someone who has, reach out to them. Be willing to listen and be prepared to talk about the baby.

References

Brin, D. J. (2004). The use of rituals in grieving for a miscarriage or stillbirth. Women & Therapy, 27(3–4), 123–132. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1300/J015v27n03_09
Mcgee, K., PettyJohn, M. E., & Gallus, K. L. (2018). Ambiguous loss: A phenomenological exploration of women seeking support following miscarriage. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 23(6), 516–530. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1080/15325024.2018.1484625
Puddifoot, J. E., & Johnson, M. P. (1997). The legitimacy of grieving: The partner’s experience at miscarriage. Social Science & Medicine, 45(6), 837–845. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/S0277-9536(96)00424-8
Swanson, K. M., Chen, H., Graham, J., Wojnar, D. M., & Petras, A. (2009). Resolution of depression and grief during the first year after miscarriage: A randomized controlled clinical trial of couples-focused interventions. Journal of Women’s Health, 18, 1245 – 1257 https://doi.org/10.1089/jwh.2008.1202

 

 

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McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes, Project Parent

Perfection in Parenting: Dealing with Mom Guilt

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Cover Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

Written by Rian Gordon
If you have experienced what is known as “mom guilt”, you are certainly not alone. Moms are notoriously known for being hard on themselves, and it’s no wonder with the seemingly impossible expectations and pressures to perform that flood in from social media, advertising, family, teachers, religious leaders, parenting experts, etc. 

Guilt vs. Shame

First, we need to clear something up. Guilt involves feeling bad after making a mistake or poor choice, and it motivates us to work towards change as we try and do better next time. Shame, on the other hand, prevents us from making positive change, since it causes us to label ourselves as bad or a failure.
Guilt says, “I made a mistake. What changes can I make so that I can do better next time?”
Shame says, “I made a mistake. I must be a terrible mother.” 
This distinction is important because mom “guilt” is not actually guilt at all, it is SHAME (Sutherland, 2010). Making mistakes and experiencing guilt is actually an important part of our development as a mother, as it helps us to reassess, make positive changes, and become better moms (Rotkirch, & Janhunen, 2010)! When we get stuck in shame, on the other hand, we become caught in an unhealthy cycle of self-defeat and comparison, and our progress and growth as a mother become majorly hindered. 
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Photo by Jenna Norman on Unsplash
So how do we avoid getting stuck in this cycle of shame?

Where does mom guilt come from?

First, let’s start by discussing where mom guilt (ehem *SHAME*) comes from, and why it’s so easy to subscribe to. Mom guilt is all about EXPECTATIONS – what we and others expect our mothering to look like, and whether or not we feel like we live up to those expectations (Liss, Schiffrin, & Rizzo, 2012; Rotkirch, & Janhunen, 2010). These expectations or standards can be ones that we consciously choose to hold ourselves to, or they could be ones that influence us more unconsciously from the messaging that we are constantly receiving through the media or other channels. 
Here are just a few of the areas you may feel pressure in as a mother:
  • Type of birth to have: Natural vs. Epidural, what kind of doctor to use, at-home birth vs. hospital birth
  • Breastfeeding: To breastfeed, or not to breastfeed? How long? Pumping or formula? 
  • Sleeping: Should I co-sleep? When should my baby be sleeping through the night? Should I sleep train?
  • Whether or not to work outside the home: When to go back to work, daycare and babysitter options, how being away affects my child
  • Productivity: How can I still be “productive” during the day while I am trying to take care of my baby?
  • Social media: Privacy for my baby, pressure to maintain some sort of image, feeling like I have to be a “Pinterest” mom
  • Play: How much should I play with my baby? Free play vs. structured play, what kind of toys should I provide for my baby?
  • Schooling: When to start, homeschool/public school/private school, at-home learning
  • Disciplining: What it should/shouldn’t look like
  • Having more kids: How can I divide my time and give each child enough attention? 
Etc. etc. etc…
We are constantly being bombarded by expectations that are oftentimes unrealistic and even conflicting (ie. “care for yourself, but also sacrifice everything for your children”), and that can cause some major shame and even cognitive dissonance when we feel like we aren’t living up to what is expected of us.
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Photo by Alex Pasarelu on Unsplash
When many of these expectations are unconscious, it may seem impossible to break ourselves out of the cycle of shame due to unrealistic and unmet expectations. But there is hope! There are several things we can do to help ourselves move away from these impossible standards that create mom guilt in our hearts and minds.

1. Let Go of “Shoulds”

Do you ever say to yourself, “I really should be doing x, y, or z…”, “I should be doing _____ this way!”, “I shouldn’t ______,” or another phrase that contains some form of the word should? This word is a red flag that can alert us to unconscious expectations that may be affecting us in unhelpful ways! When you find yourself thinking “I should,” or “I shouldn’t,” ask yourself, “SAYS WHO?” Identify where that expectation is coming from. More often than not, it will not be coming from you, but from an outside source that is not familiar with your personal needs, or the needs of your children and family. When that is the case, let go of that should, and focus instead on what you want, need, and CHOOSE. This will allow you to act more intentionally in ways that align with your core values, your desires and goals for your family, and who you want to become as an individual and a mother. The more your actions line up with what you want rather than what you think others expect of you, the more you will learn how to trust yourself, and the further you will move from shame as a motivator.
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Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels

2. Create Your Own Measuring Stick

Being a recovering perfectionist myself, I thrive off of feedback and validation from others. But when I became a mom, I didn’t have anyone sitting next to me telling me what a good (or bad) job I was doing. What I DID have was a mental “measuring stick” made up of all of the things that I thought made someone a good mom (this was really just my way of framing the expectations that I had for myself). When I didn’t feel like I was measuring up, which was often, it sent me into a whirlwind of shame and anxiety. It wasn’t until my therapist said to me, “There are hundreds of different ways to make bread,” (this was a metaphor for my negative black-and-white thought pattern, not actual baking advice) that I realized that maybe there was more than one way to be a good mom, and maybe that would look different for me than it did for others. Maybe I could even CREATE my own “good mom measuring stick” and decide what worked best for me and my little one! 
If you find yourself constantly struggling with feeling like you are falling short as a mother, take a look at how you are measuring your success.
Here are two questions that I ask myself at the end of the day when I want to check in:
  • Are my kids alive and relatively well? 
  • How did I connect with my kids today? 
As you create your own version of what it means to be a good mother, my advice would be to keep it simple, to focus on what you can control (which is most likely your own thoughts and actions, NOT those of your child), and to focus on your overall relationship with your kids. As Dr. Julie Hanks has said, “Kids aren’t a product, they’re a relationship.” (Hanks, 2016)

3. Make mistakes! Your children will thank you

No matter how much pressure we feel, it is critical to remember that in reality, there is no such thing as a “perfect” mother. EVERY mom makes mistakes. However, just because you are not a perfect mom, does not mean that you can’t be the best mom for your children. I personally believe that my children came to me for a reason. They chose me because I was the mom they needed. I am far from perfect, but as I learn what being a mother means to me, and allow my mistakes to shape and mold me as a mom, the more confident I become that I can give my children what they need. 
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Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash
Any time you feel like you are falling short, remind yourself that research has shown that children learn better how to deal with failure, own up to and take responsibility for their mistakes, and regulate their emotions when they see how we deal with our own mistakes and shortcomings (Nelson, 2018). Do not be afraid to be imperfect in front of your children. Talk with them about your failures, and admit your mistakes. Do so confidently knowing that your imperfections are a blessing to your children far more than they are a curse.

4. “Mom” is not your only role

Finally, remember that you are not just “mom”. You are a multi-faceted human being with hopes, dreams, needs, desires, and passions that are not only connected to your role as a mother! Be sure to take the time to nurture ALL of the parts of yourself, and don’t feel like you have to give up who you are as an individual to be a good mom. Learning to define yourself by all the facets of you, and not just by your role as a mother will help you to feel more whole, and will carry you through the moments where you feel that you are learning and growing as a mom in less-than-perfect ways. 
Personal Practice 1Take a look at your current “good mom measuring stick”. Where are your expectations coming from? Are they realistic? Are they positively motivating you to become the mom you want to be, or are they causing unneeded stress and shame?

References

Brown, B. (2018). I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Making the journey from “what will people think?” to “I am enough”. Vancouver, B.C.: Langara College.
Hanks, J. (KSL). (2016, August 15). Motherhood, Guilt About Not Being Productive, and Beliefs about Motherhood that Hurt Us: KSL Radio Mom Show [Audio podcast]. Retrieved from http://www.drjuliehanks.com/2016/08/15/motherhood-guilt-about-not-being-productive-and-beliefs-about-motherhood-that-hurt-us-ksl-radio-mom-show/
Liss, M., Schiffrin, H. H., & Rizzo, K. M. (2012). Maternal Guilt and Shame: The Role of Self-discrepancy and Fear of Negative Evaluation. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 22(8), 1112-1119. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-012-9673-2
Mcleod, S. (2018, February 05). Cognitive Dissonance. Retrieved October 4, 2018, from https://www.simplypsychology.org/cognitive-dissonance.html
Nelson, J. (2018, November 13). Flawed Parents are the Best Tutors for Children. Retrieved June 26, 2020, from https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/flawed-parents-are-the-best-tutors-for-children/
Rotkirch, A., & Janhunen, K. (2010). Maternal Guilt. Evolutionary Psychology, 8(1), 147470491000800. https://doi.org/10.1177/147470491000800108
Sutherland, J. (2010). Mothering, Guilt and Shame. Sociology Compass, 4(5), 310-321. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9020.2010.00283.x

 

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes

Hope and Healing After Loss

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Written by McKay Strong
Losing a loved one can make you yourself feel lost. Experiencing such a profound loss not only impacts us emotionally but physically as well (Casarett, Kutner, & Abrahm, 2001). The response to losing a loved one is what we know as grief.
Grief is of course not limited to the death of a loved one. Any loss can cause grief, such as:
  1. Divorce or relationship breakup
  2. Loss of health
  3. Losing a job
  4. Loss of financial stability
  5. A miscarriage
  6. Death of a pet
  7. A loved one’s serious illness
  8. Loss of a friendship
You need never feel ashamed of how you react to loss. Fortunately, there are healthy ways to cope with the feelings that come with grief.
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Photo by Toimetaja Tolkeburoo on Unsplash

Turn to friends or family members.

Something that I’ve learned in my own grief journey is how important it is for me to talk about my loved ones that I’ve lost. I don’t want people to be afraid to bring them up. It’s helpful to hear memories of the one(s) you’ve lost. Confiding in and discussing with friends and family who knew your loved one can help you remember the positives, and honor their legacy. Furthermore, telling the story of your loved one in a variety of ways can help you to cope with the loss, and find healing and meaning as you work to make sense of the loss and ensuing grief (Bosticco, & Thompson, 2005).

Find comfort in your faith.

Faith can keep you grounded when life feels chaotic and out of your control. Additionally, having some belief about what happens to us after we die can provide comfort and hope when we experience a deep loss. Research shows that “People who profess stronger spiritual beliefs seem to resolve their grief more rapidly and completely after the death of a close person than do people with no spiritual beliefs” (Walsh, King, Jones, Tookman, & Blizard, 2002). This is not to say that if you do not have spiritual beliefs that you need to find some during bereavement. Rather, if you had spiritual beliefs prior to your loss, it’s helpful to lean onto your faith during the grieving period.
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Photo by Billy Pasco on Unsplash

Talk to a therapist or grief counselor.

Mental health professionals receive thousands of hours of schooling and hands-on training to help people cope with the fear, guilt, anxiety, and other difficult feelings that come with loss. Grief counseling, in particular, has been shown to be just as effective as other forms of counseling and psychotherapy (Larson, & Hoyt, 2007), and you may find that a therapist who has been specifically trained in dealing with grief is the best equipped to help you work through yours. Because everyone’s grief journey is different, it’s best to consider your options and see what works for you. Be patient with yourself and others as you find your own path to healing. Maybe therapy isn’t the best way for you to cope and feel. Maybe you need to be alone, maybe you need to be with friends. Surviving grief can be a trial-and-error process, and it may take time to find what works for you. 

Thoughts on Time

Here’s the bad news: time does not heal all wounds. At least not completely. Time merely provides the means by which you become used to your new life. Maybe your boyfriend of two weeks dumped you or maybe your sister died. Maybe you gave a child up for adoption or maybe you dropped an ice cream cone. More often than not, time will not erase your feelings of loss and emptiness. It just gets you used to living with those things and finding a way to endure despite them. It helps you get out of bed every day, even when you’re in pain. It helps you put a bandaid on your soul, but the scar is still there. It helps you find your new “normal.”
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Photo from pexels.com
The good news? Time can still be your friend. Time can help you hear a song your sister used to blast in the car and not have a complete and total mental breakdown. Time can help you to not have to take the day off of work when her death anniversary rolls around. Time can help you to smile when an old truck drives by, reminding you of the one your dad taught you how to drive. Don’t get me wrong: the pain is still there. It always will be. Slowly but surely, however, you’ll get used to your new normal. You may have lost something, but you’re still here.
For those already struggling with their mental health, facing grief on top of that can seem unbearable. Time is not going to solve your problems. Good people, finding hope in a Higher Power, therapy, and laughter will help you get closer to healing. You are here on this earth. Learn, grow, and love. Your heart will always have something missing, but your life can still be full.
Personal Practice 1If you are currently dealing with loss, reach out to a loved one who can remember with you.
Not currently dealing with loss yourself? Reach out to someone who is, and share your love! We all need each other.

References

Bosticco, C., & Thompson, T. L. (2005). Narratives and Story Telling in Coping with Grief and Bereavement. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 51(1), 1-16. https://doi.org/10.2190/8tnx-leby-5ejy-b0h6
Casarett, D., Kutner, J. S., & Abrahm, J. (2001). Life after death: a practical approach to grief and bereavement. Annals of internal medicine, 134(3), 208-215.
Larson, D. G., & Hoyt, W. T. (2007). What has become of grief counseling? An evaluation of the empirical foundations of the new pessimism. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 38(4), 347–355. https://doi.org/10.1037/0735-7028.38.4.347
Smith, M., & Robinson, L. (2019, November). Coping with Grief and Loss. Retrieved May 9, 2020, from https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
Walsh, K., King, M., Jones, L., Tookman, A., & Blizard, R. (2002). Spiritual beliefs may affect outcome of bereavement: prospective study. BMJ (Clinical research ed.), 324(7353), 1551. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmj.324.7353.1551

 

 

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McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
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