commUNITY, Mental Notes

The Void — Reconnecting Part 2: Healing Together

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Cover Photo by Mental Health America (MHA) from Pexels

Written by Dray Salcido
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Every individual matters. Every individual has a role to play. Every individual makes a difference.” –Jane Goodall
There’s a great discrepancy in human behavior. When asked, “what is most important to you?” most of us give responses relative to people and deeper meanings. “My children, my friends, my partner”, or “I’d like to make a difference in the world, to engage in important work, to help other people”, etc. When our actions don’t align with these values, we suffer emotionally and mentally. This is called cognitive dissonance. Understanding the way through cognitive dissonance and into heartful living may be the most important work we will do. Part 1 of this article discussed learning to accept our personal stories. To sit with ourselves and be okay with the inevitable, lonely times life brings is the first step toward wholeness. This second part of understanding the void explains that once you’ve taken that step of belonging to yourself, then you’ll generate authentic connections with those around you. Healing our inner worlds will prepare us to heal our communities as well. 

Photo by Marcus Aurelius from Pexels

Don’t Wait

Don’t wait for an easy fix out of emotional pain. There is a subtle difference between learned helplessness and vulnerability. Helplessness likes to play the victim, while vulnerability acknowledges what’s difficult, but true. Some of us confuse connection for codependency (Bacon et al., 2020). Acknowledge that to heal together and build thriving communities, we must first work on ourselves. The paradox is that the more you individualize your healing journey the more truly connected you’ll become to other people. You cannot displace your discomfort on others and call that connection or love. It’s avoiding accountability. It is selfish and prideful. Keep ownership of your struggles, and still ask for love and support—not for someone to take care of you. Don’t expect others to know how to respond. It would be nice if all people knew what to say, but the reality is they don’t. People are clumsy with uncomfortable topics and emotions. We have a lot of socialization to unlearn…so be patient with yourself and others. Time and effort will heal your pain. Find people that will cheer you on, or be a shoulder to cry on when the going gets rough. Don’t seek those that will try to take your pain from you, or keep you from suffering. Struggle is necessary, but we don’t have to do it alone.

Photo by Cliff Booth from Pexels

Give Back

According to Summerfield (2012), mental health can be more of a social issue than a medical one. He tells the story of a Cambodian farmer who became depressed after he’d lost his leg from a land mine explosion, and had to stop working in the rice fields. Upon recognizing his despondency, his neighbors and doctors comforted him and talked through his struggles. Together his community developed a plan to provide him a cow, so he could become a dairy farmer. The man’s despair eventually subsided because of the love he felt from his people, and when he found new purpose and meaningful work. We can learn three things from the story of this man. 
1) Listen. Show sincere care for people in their struggles, and comfort them. 
2) It takes effort and mental exertion to overcome our emotional struggles, or to work through grief. 
3) We are stronger together than we are apart.
Remember that giving of your attention and care is about the other person(s), not you. If you give with the expectation of receiving, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Not to mention your love is conditional. Help others because you love them and because it feels good to give. 

Photo by Helena Lopes from Pexels

Be You

Remember that there’s no one else like you. Shed the facade. Realize that you can’t do this work with a mask on. Humans have amazing, built in BS detectors. Stop lying to yourself and others, and just own your strengths and weaknesses. 
Connection and community are impossible when approached from the realm of fakeness (Hari, 2018). Have you made attempts for connection but still feel lonely? It could be that you’re not being real or authentic. This will also take practice. If you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore, ask trusted loved ones to shed some light on their perspective of you. This is a good starting point to authenticity, but remember that no matter what others say, you have to find that in yourself more than anything.
In conclusion, when we accept our own voids and the messiness of life then we’re ready to connect. Healing together requires many people choosing to heal themselves independently and loving each other for it. The best communities are built up of selfless yet self aware individuals with passions and dreams to do good. Be patient. Reach out and maintain accountability. Humans are social creatures that were never meant to be alone. You can do this important work, and inspire others to do the same.
This week get involved in the community. Try something that makes you uncomfortable. Become a volunteer at an agency with a population that you’d like to understand better. Take risks. Serve the homeless, volunteer with refugees, become a mentor, a tutor, etc. Do something that’s not about you, and you’ll find yourself in the process. Start and then keep trying to create vulnerable conversations. Be honest about your feelings, and avoid blaming. Remember: you’ll mess up and question yourself. Authentic communication takes time.

References

Bacon, I., McKay, E., Reynolds, F., & McIntyre, A. (2020). The lived experience of codependency: An interpretative phenomenological analysis. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 18(3), 754-771.
Hari, J. (2018). Lost connections: Uncovering the real causes of depression–and the unexpected solutions.
Summerfield, D. (2012). Afterword: Against “global mental health”. Transcultural psychiatry, 49(3-4), 519-530.

 

Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
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Guest Writers, Love, Me, Mental Notes

Coping With Parental Loss

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Cover photo by Omar Ram on Unsplash

Written by Haddie Todd Fry
After almost six years of cancer treatments that were followed by stretches of remission that we were told would never come, the fact that my dad was in the hospital again wasn’t too overwhelming. He had bounced back before, and I figured that he would continue to do so far into the future. As a result, my mom’s text requesting that I come to the hospital on that calm, warm night in early June wasn’t too disturbing—until I arrived and saw all of my siblings in the parking lot. Evidently, they’d received the same message.
We made our way silently to the “end-of-life” floor, where the walls were painted a serene blue and the nurses watched solemnly as we passed. Once we had assembled as a family in the hospital room, my parents explained that the doctors had finally run out of options—giving our ever-resilient, 45-year-old dad only a few weeks to live.
Photo courtesy of the author
It was a unique experience to be able to spend my dad’s last days at home, surrounding the recliner that had been brought into my parents’ bedroom where we tried to help him be as comfortable as possible. Though the next two weeks were difficult and we didn’t know when the end would come, we stayed in that room for the better part of every day, eating popsicles, playing card games, and reflecting on every good family memory we could conjure up to distract us from concentrating on the tubes coming out of my dad’s body and his flagging strength.
Parents are influential people in a child’s life (Gross, 2016). They often provide safety, emotional and financial support, and teach important, life-lasting values to their children (Wentzel,1998). My dad was there for me and exemplified everything a good man is. He provided me with a model of what I should look for in any guy who might come into my life. He had a way of keeping each of his children safe and feeling secure, and he taught me through his example about respect, hard work, and trust.
Because of the incredible influence my father had on my life, his passing was especially painful. In fact, losing a loved one to death is considered one of the most stressful events an individual can experience (Koocher, 1986). Today, about 4% of children and adolescents lose a parent (Melhem, Porta, Shamseddeen, Payne, & Brent, 2011), and as my five siblings and I ranged from 14-21 years old at the time, we quickly became part of that statistic. The late teens and early twenties can be the most transformative years of an individual’s life, and if a parent passes during this crucial period, perception of self and support throughout life will likely significantly change (Wagner, 2016).
Photo by Peter F. Wolf on Unsplash
Many have offered suggestions for those trying to cope with the death of a parent while in their childhood and teen years (Stordahl, 2017). Although the coping techniques young people choose can vary, the bereaved typically end up defining the loss as part of their identity (Koblenz, 2016). The reality is that through many years, the grief comes and goes, and then comes again. However, adapting to life’s challenges can have a positive side and be strengthening. Each trial can be another badge on the “life is hard” achievement sash, another aspect of one’s identity.

How to Cope With the Loss

I found the following three coping strategies to be especially helpful after my own father’s death and feel they may be valuable for others who are dealing with loss:

Don’t Be Afraid to Tell Someone What You Need

The temptation after experiencing a parent’s death is to huddle down inside your own world, to try to be “strong,” and to refuse help. Coping, grieving, and healing will go more smoothly if you can get what you need to make it through the process.
The people around you generally want to help but may not know how. I came to understand that I needed to tell them. Since this was the time I needed people the most, this was also the time that I needed to allow them into my life, and be honest about what I needed from them. If someone texted me asking if they could do anything, I responded. I found that often the simple things were the most helpful and bonding, like asking a friend to just sit silently in a park with me and feel the wind blow across our faces.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Keep Your Friends Out of the Dark

Don’t blame those around you if they don’t understand how to act or what to say. It may feel easy, or that you have a perfect excuse to draw the curtains and cancel all plans, but everyone’s grieving experience is different and shutting people out will just confuse those who want to help you. You can let people know that you need space while still nurturing and valuing the space that their friendship has occupied in your life until this point.
After that night when I was told that my dad was dying, I didn’t feel like talking to anyone about anything. Unfortunately, I was turning nineteen in a few days, and there were plans that would have to be cancelled so I could stay home with my family. Some of my friends didn’t even know my dad had cancer, and now I would have to tell them that things were cancelled because he was dying. These were difficult and awkward conversations to have, but once they knew, my friends didn’t have to be confused if I was a little “absent.” They knew that I valued our friendship enough to not keep them in the dark about my struggles.

Take Comfort from the Parts of Life that are Predictable

In reaction to the unpredictable event of my dad’s death, I began to crave parts of life that were predictable. The sun still rose and set every morning and night, I still needed to brush my teeth every day, and the dog still had to be fed. These routines had no special meaning tied to them, but I needed the consistency.
Photo by Dimitri Houtteman on Unsplash
As a family, it was important for us to continue the routines that existed when my dad was alive. Working in the yard every Saturday morning as a family meant so much more to me because I knew my dad would’ve been right there with us if he were alive, in the same old hat and well-loved tennis shoes he always wore. He’d be asking one of us kids to help him hold up a piece of siding so he could nail it onto the shed he was building, racing against daylight to get as much done each week as he could. Keeping up with routines helped give me a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment, especially knowing my dad would be happy to see me working hard.
Now that all but my two little sisters have moved out of the house, I try to go over on a Saturday as often as I can to help my mom with the yard, attempting to keep it looking as good as he left it. It will always need work, and the continued routine helps keep the memories of wonderful bygone days fresh.

Ways That Friends Can Help

Even though I am one who has experienced parental loss, I still sometimes feel powerless when I see someone else grieving. Here are a few suggestions that may be helpful as you reach out to comfort a friend who has experienced a loss:

Use Sensitivity in Offering Help

Asking, “How are you?” does not provide quality support that the bereaved need, they’re really not going to be “fine, thanks.” Instead, ask what you can do. My neighbor was sensitive in the way she worded her offers for help. She would text me and ask, “What do I need to leave on your porch that you feel like eating today?” She wouldn’t let me say that I was fine or deny her the opportunity to support me, but she also respected my need to be alone. She sensitively recognized that leaving things on the porch for now would help me feel a measure of comfort without the stress of maintaining a social presence or answering questions. She was consistent and kind—her offers were always about me and not about her feeling “less guilty” because she had reached out. Her sincerity spoke volumes.
Photo by Vitor Pinto on Unsplash

Come Back and Offer Sympathy a Year Later

Sympathy typically expires before grieving does (Koblenz, 2016), meaning that people will generously help in the beginning right after the loss, but the support often soon trails off, though the grief remains. Don’t stop bringing flowers or meals after the first week. Anyone can send a little gift with their condolences right after the tragedy happens, but you can be the person that can catch your loved one or friend in a darker time further down the road—just when they need it. The loss will still hurt 5, 10, or 15 years later.

Preserve Memories Through Maintaining Rituals

A friend can be helpful for those who need to remember what life was like before the loss. True friendship for someone who is grieving means carrying on the continued existence of gatherings and outings and doing what you can to help the bereaved feel comfortable during the activity. Remember the good times of the past while not being afraid to create new memories. Support your friend by maintaining the consistency that they need to feel normal, instead of “the one whose dad died.”
Photo by August de Richelieu from Pexels
As in my case, family rituals—events that are repeated and have meaning—are a powerful tool for helping to soften parental loss. Though some family traditions will need to be adjusted to meet the constraints of the present, try to keep the sentimentality of the ritual, so as to preserve that part of “normal” family life that existed before the loss of the parent. Help those you know get up and go to the annual family Thanksgiving turkey bowl, make that special ham recipe, do the birthday lunch at your favorite restaurant with your best friend, or go to the traditional Christmas Day movie.
Since that June evening where I gathered with my family in the hospital and learned that my life would never be the same, I have grieved, boarded up my emotions, embraced my emotions, and then boarded them up again at times. It still hurts, but I am now more sensitive to how important the journey of grief is and how it can bring families together. Healing takes time and there is no reason to ever feel like you need to “get over” your loss (Cincotta-Eichenfield, n.d.). Do your best to stand by others and realize that life, love, and grief are all journeys—ones that can change us for good.
This week, choose a friend or family member who may need some extra love. Think about ways you might be able to help. Do they need a babysitter so they can have a few hours to themselves? Maybe a meal? Someone to listen to and just be with them? Decide on one specific thing you can do to help them that week, and then offer that help! If they tell you no, that is okay! The point is to practice being intentional and thoughtful about the way you show up for those you love.

References

Gross, G. (2016, August 15). The power of parental influence in child development. Retrieved from https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-power-of-parental-influence-in-child-development_b_57a6a8b5e4b0c94bd3c9a60a.
Wentzel, K. R. (1998). Social relationships and motivation in middle school: The role of parents, teachers, and peers. Journal of Educational Psychology, 90(2), 202–209. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0663.90.2.202
Koocher, G. (1986). Coping with a death from cancer. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 54, 623–631. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.54.5.623
Melhem, N., Porta, G., Shamseddeen, W., Payne, M. W., & Brent, D. (2011). Grief in children and adolescents bereaved by sudden parental death. Archives of General Psychiatry, 68, 911–919. https://doi.org/10.1001/archgenpsychiatry.2011.101
Wagner, D. M. (2016). Loss of a parent: A retrospective phenomenological exploration of lived experience (Order No. 10125515). ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global. (1796375581).
Stordahl, N. (2017, December 7). 8 tips for coping with the death of a parent. Retrieved from https://www.huffpost.com/entry/eight-tips-for-coping-with-the-death-of-a-parent_b_6672504.
Koblenz, J. (2016). Growing from grief. Omega: Journal of Death & Dying, 73(3), 203–230. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0030222815576123
Cincotta-Eichenfield, A. J. (Ed.). (2019). Loss of a Parent, Cancer. Retrieved from https://media.cancercare.org/publications/original/68-fs_loss_parent.pdf

 

 

Haddie Todd Fry has lived in Washington, Colorado, and is currently living in Provo, Utah. Haddie is working on a degree in Family Life and Human Development. She works at a residential treatment center for autistic adolescents and enjoys learning about human relationships and behavior. Haddie is one of six children, and has been married to her husband Jacob for one year. Besides Jacob, her loves include her family, flowers, art, movies, sunshine, and rain.
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Love, Me, Mental Notes

The Power of Owning Your Story

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Cover photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Written by Allie Barnes

It started with a thought: I should write my story. And so I wrote my story. I started with one defining moment, then another. When the milestones were recorded, I started filling in more details and emotions. I took some things out. I edited it. 
And when it finally felt complete, I felt a relief—a freedom—I never knew I needed.
I have since published my story as a paperback book, but the feelings of relief and freedom came even before that point. I could have kept my story private and still benefited substantially from writing it.
There is no one right way to write your story. You can use a journal, an app, or a planner. You can write once a day, once a week, once a month, or once ever. Regardless of the format or schedule you choose for writing, journaling offers noteworthy benefits, including a reduction of stress and a healthy way to manage anxiety and depression. Research by psychologist and researcher Dr. James Pennebaker suggests that journaling can even alleviate physical symptoms of conditions such as asthma and rheumatoid arthritis by acting as a stress management tool.
Photo by Brad Neathery on Unsplash
According to an article by Harvard Medical School, in at least one study by Pennebaker, he
“…asked 46 healthy college students to write about either personally traumatic life events or trivial topics for 15 minutes on four consecutive days. For six months following the experiment, students who wrote about traumatic events visited the campus health center less often, and used a pain reliever less frequently, than those who wrote about inconsequential matters.” (Harvard, 2020)
In the day-to-day, journaling can help you:
  • Process thoughts, feelings, problems, and disagreements with others
  • Learn more about yourself
  • Let go of stress and focus on the present moment
Photo by Hannah Olinger on Unsplash
To demonstrate the immediate benefits that journaling can offer, researchers at the University of Chicago “found that anxious test-takers who wrote briefly about their thoughts and feelings before taking an important exam earned better grades than those who did not.”
How can you put this to the test? In your next stressful moment, I invite you to pause and take a few minutes to write about the situation and how you are feeling. Does your stress level increase, remain steady, or decrease? Did the exercise help you find additional solutions or insight into the situation?
Here are some other creative ways to start journaling:
  • Create a private Instagram just for family photos and captions. If you want a physical copy, you can subscribe to a service like Chatbooks, which will automatically send you a book of your Instagram photos after every 60 posts.
  • Download the Day One app to start keeping a journal on your phone. The app is free, though you can subscribe if you want to keep more than one journal on the app.
  • Start gathering your family members’ stories first. Interview any living grandparents or great-grandparents. Interview your parents. Interview siblings. Not only will you create a beautiful record for your family, you may find yourself inspired as you begin writing your own stories.
Photo by cottonbro from Pexels
I am not great at traditional journaling, but I recently found several notebooks and planners where I have kept notes and records over the past several years of my life. These, along with my Instagram page and other digital platforms, have offered an non-traditional but natural way for me to keep a journal of sorts.
And now, I have my book.
How have you benefited from journaling in your life? We’d love to hear from you this week on Instagram @healthyhumansproject!
Choose one way to start recording your story this week!

References

Alt, D., & Raichel, N. (2020). Reflective journaling and metacognitive awareness: Insights from a longitudinal study in higher education. Reflective Practice, 21(2), 145–158. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/14623943.2020.1716708
Harvard Health Publishing, Harvard Medical School. (2020). Healthbeat: Writing about emotions may ease stress and trauma. https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/writing-about-emotions-may-ease-stress-and-trauma
Purcell, M. (2020). The Health Benefits of Journaling. PsychCentral. https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-health-benefits-of-journaling/
University of Rochester Medical Center. (2020). Journaling for Mental Health. In Health Encyclopedia. https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentID=4552&ContentTypeID=1

 

 

Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.

 

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Love, Me, Mental Notes, Reaching Higher

Understanding What You Are Worthy Of

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Cover photo by Sindre Strøm from Pexels
Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
We generally talk about worthiness as being a process of earning – to become worthy is to achieve a certain standard of “goodness” in order to obtain certain rewards. There are rules that accompany worthiness. While striving to be better and to be worthy of great things is a wonderful thing, sometimes we over-apply rules of worthiness, deciding that we have to be worthy of love, of communicating with a higher power, of becoming successful, and of becoming whole. “Worthiness to receive love, compassion, and the rest is inherent in our being.” (Fishman, 2018)
Photo by Holly Mandarich on Unsplash

You are worthy of growth.

Many of us spend too much time being hypercritical of ourselves. We are aware of everything we didn’t get done and all of our flaws. We constantly “should” ourselves: “I should have said this”, “I should have been able to do that”, and so on.
“When we take it upon ourselves to pass self-judgment and simply declare, “I am not worthy,” we build a barrier to progress and erect blockades that prevent our moving forward. We are not being fair when we judge ourselves….Worthiness is a process. …Perhaps it is reasonable to conclude that personal measurement or judgment oftentimes may be severe and inaccurate. We may get bogged down as we try to understand and define worthiness. All of us are particularly aware of our shortcomings and weaknesses. Therefore, it is easy for us to feel that we are unworthy.” (Ashton, 1989)
All of us, regardless of what we have done or where we currently find ourselves, are worthy to be better, smarter, more talented, more kind, more whole, more healthy, than we were yesterday. We are all worthy of allowing ourselves to be more whole, regardless of what we have done, or what situation we currently find ourselves in.

You are worthy of love.

We are all worthy of love – of being loved, and biologically it is something we crave. To feel worthy of receiving love from others, we must also love ourselves and feel worthy of caring for ourselves. We can and have written pieces on self-love, so while I am going to move on, remember that self-care is crucial!
This is what we need to understand: We are responsible for putting effort into maintaining the relationships we value, and it is important to take ownership of our mistakes. That being said, we do not have to earn love from those who we care about. And we do not need to carry shame for our imperfections and feel that honest mistakes disqualify us from the love and compassion of others.
We all want to belong. But,“some individuals grow up feeling that love from their caregivers is conditional upon living up to certain expectations, and thus gaining love from their parents may come at a steep price. These perceptions of the conditionality of love may lead to feelings of unworthiness of love even later in life.” (Overup et al., 2013) Those struggling with self-doubt are often involved in less satisfying relationships. Sometimes when we doubt our worthiness of love, we are excessively cautious, and struggle to find or allow ourselves to feel security, even when behavioral realities are secure. (Murray, et al., 2003)
Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

You are worthy of security.

When I refer to security I mean a sense of security within our relationships. Because of our experiences in our family systems, romantic relationships, religious congregations, workplaces and in other environments, we carry with us unspoken rules about what it means to be worthy. Some of these rules may be appropriate, but some of these rules are often shame-based as well. “These rules do not govern only who is worthy of receiving our love. They govern how we view our own worthiness to receive.
These rules are generally not universal. Although some are cultural, most are specific to each of us as individuals. These rules are typically not conscious. You likely don’t walk around with a checklist. And yet, you know your rules. You know your rules because you’ve been living with these rules for as long as you’ve been alive. We learn early in life what we must do to earn love and affection from our parents. We learn what makes us worthy of receiving compassion and care, and what we must do to be worthy of respect.” (Fishman, 2018)

Understanding worthiness and spirituality

Worthiness generally has religious and spiritual connotations. For many who are religious, the goal is to be worthy enough to live in heaven, nirvana, paradise, or moksha. For many, there are certain rites, ceremonies, and/or behaviors or qualities that make us worthy to be in the presence of our higher power. This is certainly not incorrect, and understanding worthiness as a process of growth helps us to have patience with ourselves and achieve our spiritual goals. Having said that, sometimes we impose these standards for worthiness upon things which don’t need them.
For example, as I have researched “worthiness”, one thing that has frequently come up is that many question their worthiness to pray or communicate with their higher power. Many even question whether they are worthy of having a relationship with their higher power. The general consensus I can find across many religions is that while certain privileges require some level of worthiness, our ability to pray to or commune with our higher power is not contingent upon any level of worthiness. Regardless of our situation in life, we are worthy of love, and we are worthy of seeking divine guidance and help.
One Christian’s perspective was this, “So often we hear about what we are supposed to do for God. But the emphasis of the Bible is not so much on what we are supposed to do for God, but rather on what God has done for us. If we can get hold of that in our minds and hearts, it will change our outlook and actions. The more we understand of what God has done for us, the more we will want to do for Him.” (Laurie, 2020)
Photo by Yingchou Han on Unsplash

Final thoughts to redefine worthiness

As Brené Brown puts it, “You either walk into your story and own your truth, or you live outside of your story, hustling for worthiness. (Brown, 2015) As we become more wholehearted about who we are and what we want, and work to remove self-doubt, we rewrite our personal rules for worthiness. Interestingly, we feel more worthy when we own our stories and don’t try to push tough emotions and experiences out of our stories. Allowing ourselves to feel worthy of good things like, love, compassion, happiness, and healing takes time – because worthiness is a process of growth.
This week, practice owning your story. Practice being more intentional in affirming that you are worthy of good things.

References

Ashton, M. J. (1989). On Being Worthy. Ensign, 20-22.
Brown, B. (2017). Rising strong: How the ability to reset transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York: Random House.
Fishman, R. (2018, August 01). What Determines Our Worthiness to Receive?: Retrieved September 10, 2020, from https://mymeadowreport.com/reneefishman/2018/what-determines-our-worthiness/
Laurie, G. (2020) For Those Who Do Not Feel Worthy to Approach God in Prayer. Retrieved September 5, 2020, from https://www.oneplace.com/ministries/a-new-beginning/read/articles/for-those-who-do-not-feel-worthy-to-approach-god-in-prayer-15931.html
Mruk, C. J. (2013). Defining Self-Esteem as a Relationship between Competence and Worthiness: How a Two-Factor Approach Integrates the Cognitive and Affective Dimensions of Self-Esteem. Polish Psychological Bulletin, 44(2), 157-164. https://doi.org/10.2478/ppb-2013-0018
Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., Griffin, D. W., Bellavia, G., & Rose, P. (2001). The Mismeasure of Love: How Self-Doubt Contaminates Relationship Beliefs. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27(4), 423-436. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167201274004
Øverup, C. S., Brunson, J. A., Steers, M. N., & Acitelli, L. K. (2014). I know I have to earn your love: How the family environment shapes feelings of worthiness of love. International Journal of Adolescence and Youth, 22(1), 16-35. https://doi.org/10.1080/02673843.2013.868362

 

 

Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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Guest Writers, Love, Me, Mental Notes

Losses with More Questions than Answers: Navigating Ambiguous Loss

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Cover photo by Tatiana Syrikova from Pexels
Written by Hillary Bowler Davis, Marriage and Family Therapist
What does loss feel like to you? Some might describe it as a painful gap, hole, or chasm. Through grief work and healing, the gap generally becomes more manageable as it closes little by little. Except when it doesn’t. 
Some losses are ongoing. They raise questions without answers, pain without resolution, and they lack a clearly defined path to closure. To put it simply: “Something is lost, but something is still there” (Boss, 2009, p. 31). Pauline Boss, a therapist and researcher specializing in family stress, named these ambiguous losses, extreme and persistent losses that result in a frozen grief (Boss, 2007). Her theory sparked an entire movement and a field of training for therapists.
Ambiguous loss is generally experienced in one of two ways: a physical absence and psychological presence (leaving without goodbye) or a psychological absence and physical presence (goodbye without leaving) (Boss & Yeats, 2014). A typical loss, while hard in its own way, has a finality to it because of the clear physical and psychological absence (leaving and goodbye). 
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When there aren’t clear boundaries defining what’s been lost, there’s a lack of tradition to tell how you mourn it (Cacciatore et al., 2008; see Figure 1). Examples include miscarriage, infertility, estrangement, divorce, chronic illness, severe mental health disorders, suicide, dementia, missing persons (soldiers missing in action, accidents or disasters leading to missing bodies, kidnappings), desertion/abandonment, adoptions, immigration and incarceration (Boss, 2007; Boss, 2009; Boss & Yeats, 2014). 
As with most things, there is a spectrum of loss experiences. Many everyday losses can also carry enough ambiguity that it disrupts the grief process. For example, a young woman who successfully broke off an unhealthy relationship may struggle with how much she misses her former partner, despite it being for the best. A parent might grapple with their newly empty nest—excited for the opportunities ahead for their adult children but struggling to put a finger on why they feel suddenly unsure of themselves. We constantly navigate transitions and changes where we simultaneously gain and let go, and it leaves us with a mess of emotions.
Some ambiguous losses cause mild distress and avoidance—we don’t talk, think, or acknowledge our feelings about it. Time does heal some wounds, and people are remarkable for their ability to adjust. However, the greater the ambiguity, the worse the symptoms, and the more likely the loss becomes traumatic (Boss, 2007). Symptoms can include anxiety and depression, identity issues, substance abuse and self-harm, and feelings of guilt and helplessness, just to scratch the surface (Boss, 2006). 
Imagine experiencing a loss so confusing and so painful that you also seem to lose your relationship with yourself and others around you. Families, couples, and individuals can become completely immobilized, struggling to communicate and make decisions, reconcile differing grief experiences, and carry on with their lives (Boss & Yeats, 2014). The challenge at hand is not only attempting to move forward after a loss, but to move forward, period. 
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How do you manage grief for a loss that by its very nature seems to have no resolution? How do you change something that won’t change? 
Boss proposes that the change happens not because the situation will ever change, but because we can learn to change ourselves, nurturing tolerance for ambiguity and the resilience to live our lives in spite of the ongoing gaps (Boss, 2009). She developed six ways to manage ambiguous loss (Boss, 2006), and the following suggestions are adapted from her work. 
To navigate the painful losses and ambiguities in your life, try the following:

Define the loss and find meaning

A critical component for managing ambiguity is making the experience as concrete as possible (Brier, 2008). For example, researchers have found that when parents who experienced a pregnancy loss used a name or label for their loss (even tender nicknames such as “Little One”), it increased their coping (Sawicka, 2017). Defining the loss strips away the first layer of ambiguity to not only make it more tolerable but also to open the door for the rest of your healing process.
Once it is acknowledged and defined, people naturally try to make sense of the loss. However, by its very nature, ambiguous loss defies logic and is therefore difficult to make meaningful. 
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Your first attempts at making meaning out of the situation might even be negative, such as wondering whether this loss is some kind of a punishment (Boss & Yeats, 2014). Keep going. You can seek a healthier meaning by investigating what this loss really means to you personally. Be gentle with yourself as you move you through the following:  
  1. You have experienced a loss.
  2. You have lost _____.
  3. This loss means____.
Meaning making is at the heart of all ambiguous loss work (Boss, 2009). It is just your first step toward healing— consider this your “rough draft” meaning. 

Let go of what you can’t control, master what you can

You might be familiar with the idea of choosing to focus on what you can control and letting go what you can’t. But an ambiguous loss pulls back the curtain on something that has always been true: There’s not much that is under your control. 
Since you can often do little to restore what is lost, ambiguous loss experts recommend finding a balance through self-mastery: prayer, meditation, creative endeavors, goal setting, exercise, etc. 
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While these disciplined activities can help you take charge of yourself in moments when everything feels out of control, they are not meant to replace the truth. They must be tempered with acceptance and surrender, which can be cultivated with activities like mindfulness (Boss & Yeats, 2014).

Reclaim old identities, construct new identities

As mentioned before, it can be helpful to find things you can make more concrete to ease the ambiguity, and your identity in relation to what or who was lost is one of these points (Sawicka, 2017). Are you still a mother? A son? A spouse? How has your identity changed with this loss?  You can’t have resilience without flexibility and clinging to what was will keep your grief frozen. You have the opportunity to redefine you as someone who lives well, questions and all.

Ride the ups and downs 

Without a doubt, dealing with ambiguous losses can leave us feeling ambivalent, having mixed and conflicting emotions (Boss, 2007). It is perfectly normal in any context to have feelings that might contradict one another, but ambiguity tends to polarize these mixed feelings and cause even more confusion and distress (Boss & Kaplan, 2004). On top of this, you might also feel ashamed over specific emotions like anger, envy, and loneliness. When you anticipate ambivalence as part of the process, it can neutralize shame so that other feelings can flow. Remind yourself it is normal to feel strong emotions, refrain from requiring your emotions to make sense, and accept them as they are. They will pass.
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Remember the certain

The societal push to “get over it” is likely even stronger when the loss doesn’t make sense— if you can’t make it fit into a predefined storyline, it’s tempting to cut it out entirely. In reality, the answer lies in finding a healthy balance between letting go and remembering. In therapy, traditional grief work often directs people toward some final stage of acceptance where the person says goodbye, which is usually not an option with ambiguous loss. 
An alternative approach might be especially helpful in cases of ambiguity. Rather than forgetting and moving on, you can deliberately remember and keep whatever or whomever as part of your life (Carr, 1998). Boss’s theory about “revising attachment” walks the line between keeping and letting go, and it requires some decision making on your part. In the case of some ambiguous losses such as divorce and abandonment, you won’t want to keep the person, but you may want to keep an idea or symbol. Perhaps you want to get married again, or you want to break unhealthy cycles in your family. Keep what serves your healing.
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Another way to balance keeping and letting go is to turn your focus to what is still certain despite the uncertainty. Your love for the person might be certain. Your happy memories might be certain. Your other remaining relationships might be certain. Your dedication to finding a healthier opportunity or new relationship might be certain. In fact, clarifying roles, rules, and boundaries within our remaining relationships can help ease ambiguity and provide a sure context for the lost person, experience, or idea, to remain alive in our lives (Boss & Yeats, 2014).

Discover new hope

Waiting for closure hinders your ability to heal from an ambiguous loss (Boss & Yeats, 2014). Consider this: What if a sense of justice, peace, and resolution is something you can create? This is the step where you create options for yourself. What rituals, traditions, or other activities can you engage in? Can you join or start an organization? Make a donation? Celebrate a certain day? 
Hope is more an action than it is a feeling. Don’t wait for it to happen.
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Find meaning…again and again

While each of these research-based tips can be considered steps to healing, they are often circular in nature rather than sequential, meaning that healing continues when the steps begin again (Boss & Yeats, 2014). Odds are that once you have worked through the previous steps, your definition and meaning of the loss will change. Apply these again and again until you are living well.
Lean into the ambiguity by engaging with, rather than avoiding, your complicated sense of loss. You can work through the first few steps above through journaling or by speaking up: talk to your spouse, a family member, or friend, to name the loss and begin the work of meaning making. Many of these losses are traumatic. There is no shame in seeking professional help as you work through these steps to develop hope and resilience in the face of all types of losses.

References

Boss, P. (2006). Loss, trauma, and resilience: Therapeutic work with ambiguous loss. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.
Boss, P., & Kaplan, L. (2004). Ambiguous loss and ambivalence when a parent has dementia. In K. Pillemer & K. Luescher (Eds.), Intergenerational ambivalences: New perspectives on parent-child relations in later life (pp. 207-224). Oxford, UK: Els
Boss, P. (2007). Ambiguous loss theory: Challenges for scholars and practitioners. Family Relations, 56(2), 105-111.
Boss, P. (2009). Ambiguous loss: Learning to live with unresolved grief. Harvard University Press.
Boss, P., & Yeats, J. R. (2014). Ambiguous loss: A complicated type of grief when loved ones disappear. Bereavement Care, 33(2), 63-69.
Brier, N. (2008). Grief following miscarriage: a comprehensive review of the literature. Journal of Women’s Health, 17(3), 451-464.
Cacciatore, J., DeFrain, J., & Jones, K. L. (2008). When a baby dies: Ambiguity and stillbirth. Marriage & Family Review, 44(4), 439-454.
Carr, A. (1998). Michael White’s narrative therapy. Contemporary Family Therapy, 20(4), 485-503.
Sawicka, M. (2017). Searching for a narrative of loss: interactional ordering of ambiguous grief. Symbolic Interaction, 40(2), 229-246.
https://www.ambiguousloss.com/

 

 

Hillary Bowler Davis was born and raised in Riverton, Utah. After starting her career in writing and marketing, she took a leap of faith to study to become a therapist. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy and works as an associate therapist in the Salt Lake Valley with individuals, couples, and families. Hillary is passionate about personal growth and healthy relationships and gets most excited about digging into life’s hard questions. Her next big adventure is building a family with her husband.
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