Years ago, my then four-year-old stood on the small rock wall that divides our backyard from a golf cart path, happily singing a song. As a cart full of golfers drove past, he continued to sing his rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game,” complete with exaggerated vibrato. He didn’t hesitate in his singing and beyond that, he stared these golfers straight in the face as they progressed down the path. My husband, who was in the yard pulling weeds at the time, turned to me and joked that only a four-year-old has the confidence to keep singing while looking a stranger directly in the eye.
We’ve laughed about that moment ever since because of the sweet, unashamed nature of a child who is so comfortable with himself and so oblivious to the potential judgements of others. He’s just completely authentic. I don’t know about you, but singing for a group of strangers in a golf cart is not high on my list of desired activities. Not even if I was a good singer.
Somewhere between our preschool years and adulthood, we seem to lose confidence with who we are, and we begin to fear what other people will think of us. What’s sad about this (other than missed opportunities to hear each other loudly singing things like “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”) is that when we lose our comfort with who we are, when we stop being authentic, our ability to truly connect with other people is limited. Let’s look at why that is and how to combat it so that you can develop the intimate connections with others that make life so sweet.
What is Authenticity and Why Does It Matter?
Authenticity is described as being yourself. It involves knowing who you are and feeling good about yourself paired with a willingness to see yourself clearly—weakness and all (Kernis & Goldman, 2008). Being authentic means letting other people really see you and know you, even though that means they will see the stuff that you struggle with.
It probably isn’t surprising that being authentic usually means more positive feelings about yourself (Neff & Harter, 2002), better mental health (Anderson & Williams, 1985), more happiness in your romantic relationships (Lopez & Rice, 2006) and even finding more meaning in your life (Schlegel & Hicks, 2011). It feels good to be you and to love and accept the real you.
Another major bonus of authenticity is that being the real you fosters connection. Think about a time when you’ve felt really connected to another human. What was happening in that moment? What made it connective?
One of the highlights of my week is my Friday night date with my husband. The poor guy gets to listen to me talk and talk for hours while we get dinner. (He promises he doesn’t mind the number of words that flow out of my mouth during those evenings together.) I love talking with him and sharing our ideas, challenges, feelings, and thoughts from the week, partly because I know he loves me, and I know he cares about what I have to say. I can share with him in a way that I can’t with anyone else. This, for me, is highly connective time as we share who we really are with each other.
There are other times with people who aren’t my husband that feel very connective as well. These times are usually when a friend is sharing something that is hard for her or that she is struggling with or is just telling me about what’s going on in her life. She’s letting me see the real her, not an idealized image of her. She’s letting down her guard and being real with me and that builds connection. It’s our weaknesses and imperfections that make us relatable to each other. That’s what real connection happens—when we let someone see the messy side of us. In short, connection happens when we are authentic.
What Stops Authenticity?
It’s clear that being authentic is the way to go, so what holds us back from that unabashed authenticity of the four-year-old singing to golfers? What stops you from feeling like you can really be you anytime, anywhere?
One of the biggest challenges to authenticity is our desire to live up to the standards that we think other people have for us. We let other people tell us who to be and what that looks like. For example, a “good mom” has a clean house, reads to her kids, knows how to do fourth grade math, cooks yummy, healthy meals every single day, never has a pile of laundry, has meaningful conversations with her kids each day, never yells, gets everywhere on time, plans amazing birthday parties, gets her kids on all the best teams and in all the best schools, and looks good doing all of this. There’s no way any woman can pull off everything that she “should” do as a mother. And yet, somehow, we try to hold ourselves to these types of idealized standards.
The problem with this (other than that it’s completely exhausting and overwhelming), is that if we are sure that everyone around us has an idea of how we “should” be living and we know we aren’t living up to it, we will hide who we are so that others can’t see us falling short. And there goes that opportunity for connection because you can’t connect with someone who is hiding.
Trying to live by ideals that you think others have for you is going to stress you out, make you feel inadequate, and threaten your relationships (Jack, 1991). Instead, if you can be who you want to be and embrace the fact that you aren’t perfect but that you’re a wonderful person who is trying her or his best, you can let down that guard, stop hiding, and maybe even come at the world with the unabashed singing of a four-year-old.
This week, challenge yourself to see ways that you are trying to live up to other people’s standards rather than your ideas of who you want to be. Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
In what ways do I tend to judge myself by how I think other people see me? (Watch for examples of this throughout your week.)
Do I often feel responsible for other people’s feelings? What are some examples of this in my life?
When I make decisions, do other people’s thoughts and opinions influence me more than my own thoughts and opinions?
References
Andersen, S. M, & Williams, M. (1985). Cognitive ⁄ affective reactions in the improvement of self-esteem: When thoughts and feelings make a difference. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 49, 1086–1097.
Kernis, M. H., & Goldman, B. M. (2006). A multicomponent conceptualization of authenticity: Theory and research. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 283-357.
Lopez, F. G., & Rice, K. G. (2006). Preliminary development and validation of a measure of relationship authenticity. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 53, 362–371.
Neff, K. D., & Harter, S. (2002). The authenticity of conflict resolutions among adult couples: Does women’s other-oriented behavior reflect their true selves? Sex Roles, 47, 403–417.
Schlegel, R. J., & Hicks, J. A. (2011). The true self and psychological health: Emerging evidence and future directions. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(12), 989-1003.
Amber A. Price is a researcher, writer, and educator with a focus on authenticity and connection. Her mission is to help women love themselves for who they are so that they can find deeper connection with their partners, family, and friends. She currently lives in Utah with her husband and 4 sons and is working on her PhD in Marriage, Family, and Human Development. Amber loves baking cookies and drinking hot chocolate daily-even in July. You can learn and read more about authenticity and connection at https://amberaprice.com
“Our selfishness will condemn us to the worst suffering that we ourselves have invented – loneliness.” – Paulo Coelho
This time of year evokes a more selfless spirit for many of us. Something about the Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons make us feel appreciative, or make us think that’s what we should be feeling. This got me curious to compare and understand trends in selfishness over time. There are studies suggesting baby boomers are the most selfish, and others blaming the millennials for our entitled world (Martin & Roberts, 2021). Social theorists may argue selfish behavior is entirely dependent on human rights availability (Nye, 2013). There are myriad explanations.
Regardless, the literature is discrepant. You could argue and find evidence that each decade contains the most heartless people. The truth is selfishness is a human experience irrelevant of time or circumstance. It’s always existed and likely always will. Rather than focus on who or what’s to blame, why not increase our efforts toward altruistic solutions? Perhaps a practice of gratitude? Gratitude is one of our most effective tools to mitigate suffering (Brown, 2011). How is this achieved? The following describes three methods that will increase our gratitude. I suggest we remember them not only the last two months of the year but every day.
According to Buddhist philosophy, suffering is the result of selfishness (Salcido, 2020). Christianity would say to seek not our own, but the welfare ofothers (King James Bible). And even those without a religious or spiritual lens feel frustrated from the selfish behaviors of others. Not only that, but we make ourselves lonely when we focus only on ourselves. Think about it, if you’re the only one on your mind, do you have room to consider others? If you only live for yourself, how can you cultivate relationships?
The fact is, the self is illusive. Why obsess over something as complex and ever changing as our ideas of who we are? I’m not suggesting that we think less of ourselves, but that we think about ourselves less. How can we do this? Be aware. I don’t mean increasing our awareness of who we think we are. Often this just feeds the ego. I mean increasing awareness of our experience. This requires noticing and being curious of the present, without judging it. Let me illustrate the difference.
Imagine someone stole from you. Your thoughts could be, “I would never do something like that” or “Of course this happened to me, I must have a target on my back.” Whether self deprecating or self inflating, thoughts like these exacerbate our predetermined ideas of the self and bring with them feelings of anger and shame. We are essentially asking ourselves, “What does this experience mean about me?” This questioning comes from a mind that still believes we matter most, we should be invincible, and we should not have to suffer but only feel good. Because this way of thinking is not realistic, another option is to think differently. You may say to yourself, “This is disappointing” or “I wonder if those that stole were desperate?” You’re likely to feel sadness but emotionally recover quicker. Consequently, you may feel peace for letting go. This focus is more in the here and now. It accepts reality and keeps our focus on what is rather than what or who is to blame. To practice acceptance, I suggest learning more about mindfulness (Eberth & Sedlmeier, 2012) and daily meditation. And when we are not cross legged on the floor, how can we take our intentions away from the egoic self and toward compassion for others and our experience?
Much of our selfishness and suffering is not in what we do and say, but in our thinking. The thoughts we choose to focus on have a great impact on our reality. Are many of your thoughts filled with criticism and comparison? These are often created when we attempt to control others or our experience. Managing our minds requires intentional work against cognitive distortions like mind reading. Mind reading is jumping to conclusions. It occurs when you believe you know what another person is thinking. You define what other people’s reasons are for doing what they do. This is done purely out of assumptions and generally with no physical evidence. We fail to acknowledge other possibilities because our thoughts make sense to us, therefore they must be “true” or “valid.”
We often read minds when we’re afraid and would like to change the outcome (Strohmeier, 2016). Our motive is to change the circumstance merely because we feel uncomfortable. It is selfish to not let others think, do, and be as they’d like. Assuming is self-inflicted anxiety. Now, don’t tell yourself you’re bad for falling into this habit: we all do this! Remember to be aware and accept the moment it for what it is.
Now, how do we repair our distorted thinking? Essentially being unassuming requires humility: a firm acknowledgement that we don’t know everything, nor can we. We burn up a lot of energy believing we need answers in order to feel okay. What if the reverse was true? Perhaps we need to choose to be okay in order to find answers. So, how do we increase our knowing? Try the following:
Ask yourself the following questions: “Are there times when this isn’t true?” “What is another way of looking at this?” “Is this thought helpful?” “Would I rather be right, or happy?”
Use statements of gratitude as a way to try on new thoughts. For example, I might think, “I’m a bad person” and replace it with, “I’m grateful for when I mess up. It’s great feedback for becoming the person I really want to be!”
The brain is plastic. And because of this, our behavior is too. We are capable of thinking less about ourselves and more of others when we increase awareness, accept reality, and stop assuming. Let’s practice gratitude for our capacity to think more of others and less about ourselves.
This Week:
1. Be aware. Ask yourself “What am I telling myself?” “What am I choosing to make that mean about me?” “What emotion has arrived as a result of my thinking?” “Where do I feel that in my body?”
2. Be accepting. Speak compassion to yourself for the awareness you’ve gained. Give that same compassion to those around you, and practice giving others the benefit of the doubt.
3. Be unassuming. Remind yourself “I don’t know what other people are thinking.” Bring your thoughts to the evidence in front of you rather than what you think might be happening.
4. And most importantly: Be grateful! Be grateful for change. Be grateful for the past, present and future. Be grateful for what pain makes possible! And be grateful for the richness of your life. Intentionally choose to see it.
References
Brown, B., Hernandez, V. R., & Villarreal, Y. (2011). Connections: A 12-session psychoeducational shame resilience curriculum.
Eberth, J., & Sedlmeier, P. (2012). The effects of mindfulness meditation: A meta-analysis. Mindfulness, 3(3), 174-189.
King James Bible. (2008). Oxford University Press. (Original work published 1769)
Martin, G., & Roberts, S. (2021). Exploring legacies of the baby boomers in the twenty-first century. The Sociological Review, 00380261211006326.
Nye, A. (2013). Feminist theory and the philosophies of man. Routledge.
Strohmeier, C. W., Rosenfield, B., DiTomasso, R. A., & Ramsay, J. R. (2016). Assessment of the relationship between self-reported cognitive distortions and adult ADHD, anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. Psychiatry research, 238, 153-158.
Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative, life’s work.
Most people have heard of “the baby blues.” But did you know there is a difference between the baby blues, postpartum depression, and postpartum anxiety? PPD and PPA are medical conditions that need treatment to improve, and although anyone in the postpartum period can be at risk, you don’t need to worry – there is help available! This topic was requested by one of our readers, and in this post we’ll be discussing the differences between the three conditions and how they are treated, including things you can do at home in addition to seeking medical attention.
The Baby Blues
According to the American Pregnancy Association (2021), “approximately 70-80% of all new mothers experience some negative feelings or mood swings after the birth of their child”. Because of hormones during pregnancy and after childbirth, chemical changes in the brain can occur resulting in this milder form of postpartum depression. The symptoms of the baby blues tend to disappear by a few weeks after childbirth, and include mood swings, feeling overwhelmed, irritability, and reduced concentration just to name a few.
The baby blues will usually go away after a few weeks, but in the meantime, work on getting as much rest as possible, accept any help you may be given, don’t be afraid to ask for help when needed, try to find time to take care of yourself, and connect with other new moms when possible.
Postpartum Depression
Unlike the “baby blues,” postpartum depression doesn’t just go away on its own. Although postpartum depression can seem scary, it is 100% treatable and fairly common. In fact, research shows that up to 1 in 7 moms will experience postpartum depression (Wisner et al., 2013). There are several factors that put you at risk for postpartum depression: low socioeconomic status, history of depression, history of stressful conditions, lack of familial support, and unwanted pregnancy are just a few (Ahmed et al., 2021). The difference between the baby blues and postpartum depression can look like the inability to bond with your baby, restlessness, hopelessness, feeling inadequate, excessive crying, and recurring thoughts of death and/or suicide. The media has shared many stories of women suffering from postpartum depression without being treated that harm their children, but postpartum depression can also look like a desire to harm yourself.
Postpartum depression is usually treated with therapy, medication, or a combination of both. With appropriate treatment, symptoms usually improve, but it is important to stay the course and continue treatment even after you initially feel better.
Postpartum Anxiety
Postpartum depression gets a lot of press, but what about postpartum anxiety? Some of the symptoms overlap (like sleep disruption, even when the baby sleeps), but what sets postpartum anxiety apart from postpartum depression is a constant or near-constant worry that won’t go away. You may feel dread or have racing or intrusive thoughts, have heart palpitations, or hyperventilate. The anxiety can even result in panic attacks. It’s a lot to deal with when you’re already dealing with a newborn, but don’t worry: just like postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety is 100% treatable.
Postpartum anxiety is also usually treated with therapy, medication, or a combination of both.
Your prenatal care provider should monitor you throughout pregnancy for signs of depression. If you notice something is off, do not hesitate to let them know. After your child is born, you will typically have a 6-week postpartum check with your provider and they will assess you for postpartum anxiety and depression at that time. Again, do not hesitate to let them know of your concerns, and be sure to attend your 6-week appointment. Often, pediatricians’ offices will have a mother fill out a questionnaire the first few visits to assess you for postpartum anxiety and depression as well. If symptoms develop after that time (which is possible), be sure to reach out for more professional help.
You may be reluctant or even embarrassed to admit that you need help, but if you are feeling depressed or anxious after the birth of your baby, call your doctor as soon as possible.
It’s important to be aware that you can develop PPD or PPA with a second, third, fourth, etc. pregnancy even if you have not had it with previous pregnancies. If at any point you have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, seek assistance from loved ones to take immediate care of your child and call 9-1-1 for help.
Helping a friend
People with postpartum depression or anxiety may not even realize what is going on and that they need help. Don’t wait and hope that things will improve; if you suspect a loved one is suffering, help them get help immediately
Although fathers may not experience the hormone changes in pregnancy, that doesn’t mean they are immune to postpartum stress. When a mother is depressed, chances are that the father may feel similar stress. Again, in this situation, seeking help is a necessary step.
“Home remedies”
These are things that can help in addition to professional help. They should not be a substitution for professional help such as therapy and medication, but rather, a supplement to that assistance.
Especially for c-section mamas, physical activity may be difficult in the initial days or weeks. Once you are able, try to introduce some physical activity back into your daily routine, such as going on a walk with your baby. The endorphins that accompany exercise can help improve your mood and you can bond with your baby during this time.
Avoid isolation as much as possible. The postpartum period may feel lonely, but there are many others who have been through it and are willing to help you. If they don’t offer help, please do not be afraid to ask for it yourself. If someone offers to watch the baby so you can sleep or shower, take them up on it. It’s important to take time for yourself, and even time with your partner.
Try to set realistic expectations for yourself. You can’t do it all and you shouldn’t be expected to, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Do what you are able and leave the rest.
Help is available to you. More information on postpartum anxiety and depression can be found here.
If you are pregnant or in the postpartum period, make a list of individuals you can reach out to when you need help – whether it be a meal, watching your baby, or more.
If you are looking to help someone who you think may be suffering, reach out, now. Do not ask what you can do to help, find what you can do to help.
References
Ahmed, G. K., Elbeh, K., Shams, R. M., Malek, M. A. A., & Ibrahim, A. K. (2021). Prevalence and predictors of postpartum depression in Upper Egypt: A multicenter primary health care study. Journal of Affective Disorders, 290, 211–218. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.jad.2021.04.046
Baby Blues. American Pregnancy Association. (2021, July 16). Retrieved October 4, 2021, from https://americanpregnancy.org/healthy-pregnancy/first-year-of-life/baby-blues/.
Gueron, S. N., Shahar, G., Volkovich, E., & Tikotzky, L. (2021). Prenatal maternal sleep and trajectories of postpartum depression and anxiety symptoms. Journal of Sleep Research, 30(4). https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/jsr.13258
Shulman, B., Dueck, R., Ryan, D., Breau, G., Sadowski, I., & Misri, S. (2018). Feasibility of a mindfulness-based cognitive therapy group intervention as an adjunctive treatment for postpartum depression and anxiety. Journal of Affective Disorders, 235, 61–67. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.jad.2017.12.065
Shorey, S., Chee, C. Y. I., Ng, E. D., Chan, Y. H., Tam, W. W. S., & Chong, Y. S. (2018). Prevalence and incidence of postpartum depression among healthy mothers: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 104, 235–248. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.jpsychires.2018.08.001
Wisner KL, Sit DKY, McShea MC, et al. Onset Timing, Thoughts of Self-harm, and Diagnoses in Postpartum Women With Screen-Positive Depression Findings. JAMA Psychiatry. 2013;70(5):490–498. doi:10.1001/jamapsychiatry.2013.87
McKay Strongis a Texas native. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit, has been married for three years, and recently gave birth to her daughter. She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even prouder cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
“Behind every beautiful thing, there’s some kind of pain.” – Bob Dylan
For the most part, people avoid pain. Our brains are wired to fight, flight or freeze when they detect danger. Because most of us are no longer running from lions or physically fighting for our livelihoods, danger often shows up in less obvious ways. This includes mental health, interpersonal struggles, academic stress, neglect, physical illness, occupational pressure, familial betrayals, grief and loss, political contention and other situations that may not be life threatening, but are certainly painful. Our internal aching may not be apparent to those around us. Some of you may consider yourselves the silent sufferers of this world. Please know you’re not alone. There is hope for alleviation and transformation. This article explains that discomfort can be a wise teacher, and how we can benefit from our painful moments.
Pain Challenges Us
Image from conorneill.com
Let’s examine a common plot of a story. The protagonist receives some call to adventure. They begin hopeful and excited. Perhaps even ignorant and innocent. As the story progresses, roadblocks, challenges and danger appear. Then there is a period of decision making. Will they rise up to the challenge, or turn back? Usually the hero will face their fears. They are pushed beyond their limits. Often there is a symbolic rebirth and transformation. The hero finishes their voyage finding that it was not what they expected in the slightest, yet they come out wiser and truer. They are whole as a result of their painful path. This is known as “the hero’s journey.”
When we watch a movie or read a book this narrative is so familiar to us, we often have no fear for the characters whose lives we observe. We trust that all will work out in the end, because it always does. While we may feel certain of the outcome, the character spends the majority of their story in the unknown. A few things are certain such as their call to adventure, or the facts of their surroundings. The rest of their life, however, is unclear to them, and usually their original intentions must change in order to meet the demands later placed on them.
We love stories such as these because we relate to them. There is something so human, and even beautiful, about the sacredness of struggle. Yet, we forget so often that we, like the hero, must spend the majority of our own adventure in the unknown. If only we could remember that when we are in the thickest, most difficult parts of our tale. It is good to be impelled. Pain gives us a reason to learn; to overcome; to grow stronger. So, rise up to the challenge, even in your unknown. Trust that it will all work out – because it always does.
Masters of the wisdom traditions teach that pain is the great equalizer. Whether mental, emotional or physical it is a marvellous opportunity to connect with one another. Our natural tendency is to feel with others. It goes against our true nature to ignore our inner worlds, or to abandon others in their sorrow. A beautiful demonstration of this is from the movie Inside Out (Docter & Del Carmen, 2015). Riley, the hero, feels a great amount of discomfort throughout the film. She tries to cope by isolating, but only spirals further. When she finally shares her struggles with her parents, she feels deep love and gratitude from their listening ears and gentle hugs. Essentially their empathy heals her. The parent’s ability to see her for who she is in non-judgemental love makes her struggle worth it in the end. Connection is the goal in any story, including our own.
A hero is willing to be in their pain for however long is necessary. Consider what was taught by J.R.R. Tolkien in the dialogue between two heroes:
Sam: It’s like in the great stories Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. Because they were holding onto something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for. (Tolkien, 1991).
As imperfect people we frequently “turn back”. We betray our value system through numbing, abandoning, and blaming. We tell ourselves we won’t make it, can’t do it. The discomfort will consume us, ruin us or destroy us. However, avoiding our pain only intensifies it. Judging our suffering keeps us thinking in circles. Staying with our pain is the only way to come out the other side. This is far easier said than done. In fiction it appears obvious, worth the struggle or the practical choice. Our realities are much different. Our pain often lasts longer than the 2 hour film, or a 300 page novel.
Our struggles may seem less dramatic, but more persistent than the characters in stories. Yet, storytelling can be a powerful way to work through the anxiety of necessary pain. Research suggests that rewriting your own narrative increases pain resilience (Nurser et. al, 2018). So, how can we rewrite our past narrative in a way that serves us? The following outlines this practice:
In a journal start with a difficult past memory, and write out everything you felt and still feel about it. Be descriptive and honest. Identify the main takeaway or message you gleaned from this experience.
Notice in your current life when that same message comes to mind, and write it down in the story you created.
Ask others connected to the memory how they remember it, and add their perspective to this narrative.
Now think of times when people proved you wrong. When someone did something, or something occurred that doesn’t fit the message from the past incident.
Write another section of the things you’ve learned having lived through that experience, and ways you’ve grown stronger.
Once you’ve compiled all the data around this core belief, rewrite it in narrative form. Write this in third person. Be the author, not the main character and feel excited about the hero about which you’re writing. This final story should be at least a few pages.
Notice the difference you see in the original perspective of the incident and the end of the story you’ve created. You’ll find that when the pen hits the paper it will lead you to a more hopeful resolution as your mind looks for meaning and purpose.
Now, go share it with others. Tell your story. Inspire yourself and others through the power of storytelling.
One study found that practicing sharing our stories and using our imaginations through conversation, journal writing and meditation can have positive effects on our overall health (Burton & King, 2009). So, be brave enough to day dream a little. We have to have the vision, even in the pain, to create the lives we want.
And ultimately: Be grateful for what pain makes possible.
This Week:
Ask yourself, “What am I to learn from this pain?”
Listen. Be Open. Be patient. Learning what our pain is teaching can take time. Often it’s realized in hindsight.
Allow others to help you. Accepting love and support can feel like an added risk when you’re already in a dark spot. This choice is well worth it.
Practice more adaptive storytelling. Use your imagination to create bold and hopeful outcomes. Remember that heroes in stories don’t know they will prevail. They required faith just like we do.
References
Burton, C. M., & King, L. A. (2009). The health benefits of writing about positive experiences: The role of broadened cognition. Psychology and Health, 24(8), 867-879.
Docter, P., & Del Carmen, R. (2015). Inside Out. Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures.
Nurser, K. P., Rushworth, I., Shakespeare, T., & Williams, D. (2018). Personal storytelling in mental health recovery. Mental Health Review Journal
Tolkien, J. R. R. (1991). The lord of the rings. HarperCollins.
Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative, life’s work.
They say that the only two certainties in life are death and taxes. If I may be so bold, I’d like to add stress to that list. Regardless of wealth, gender, or race you will experience stress in life. Moving, losing a job, starting a new job, the birth of a baby, the death of a family member are just a few of the major family stressors experienced by most families. These stressors have also been compounded in the last year with the major stressor of a global pandemic as recorded in the Harris Poll conducted in February of 2021.
A representative sample of the US population reports that their stress has increased in a variety of categories in relation to the pandemic. Not only are people dealing with the expected stressors of life as mentioned previously, but they are more anxious to seek out health care, stressed about potential job loss and financial troubles, and experiencing weight gain (Harris Poll, 2021). People are struggling to cope with their stress in healthy ways. I know I have been, and it manifests in our relationships.
If I may, I would like to share a bit of my recent experience on the topic of relationship stress and what my husband and I have done to resolve it. In the past few months, my husband and I both quit our jobs, packed up our life, and moved to Texas for his graduate school. We were lucky enough to buy a home in Texas but as we know all too well, home ownership comes at a great price. In a matter of weeks, we found ourselves with a significantly reduced savings account and I found myself jobless and co-owner of a home in serious need of cleaning and repairs. We were stressed.
For a while, I ran full-tilt into DIY home renovating with my excess of spare time. My projects were incredibly rewarding and I was really enjoying myself. That was until we ran out of our allotted project money. No project money, no more projects. That was about two weeks ago and I started to sweat. The stress of my continued joblessness despite my countless applications was taking its toll on me and on my marriage.
A Different Way of Looking at Stress
Enter, the ABC-X model developed by Reuben Hill (Hill, 1949; Hill 1971; Peterson et al., 2013). While grasping for something to help myself personally and my marriage as a whole, I remembered the ABC-X model for family stress and decided to use the model to help me in my stressful situation. Let’s walk through it.
A represents the event or situation causing the stress, the stressor (Boss et al., 2002; Peterson et al., 2013; Paragamet et al., 2013). In my case, my whole situation of joblessness and no more projects to distract me from my predicament are my A. B represents the resources available to the family experiencing the stress (Peterson et al., 2013). For many, resources can include family, friends, education, or coping strategies. Really anything that helps and acts as a buffer to the stressor (A) is a resource (B).
This is where I began to apply the model; I took a step back and asked myself, “What resources do I have?” I took more time applying for even more jobs and, because I am religious, I began praying daily for help to find a job that would hire me. I also reached out to my husband and told him about some of the feelings of inadequacy and frustration that I was feeling because of my perceived lack of contribution. Viewing my husband as a resource rather than a person I was actively disappointing helped lessen the stress on our marriage because I became less avoidant and fearful of judgement around him.
C represents the family’s perception of the stressor (Peterson et al., 2013). If the family’s perception of the stressor is that it is insurmountable or unmanageable, then the family will likely crack under the pressure. If the family views the stressor as a growth opportunity or a short period of trial, then the family will ultimately strengthen. It was at that moment that I also realized that I had been viewing this period of joblessness and never ending and I had been catastrophizing the whole situation in my own head. If I remain jobless, we will never financially recover from buying this home and we will never have savings again and so on. I needed to change my perspective (C) in order to reduce my stress and change the outcome of it all on my relationship.
That brings us to X, which represents the level of stress (Peterson et al., 2013). The stressor (A), the available resources (B), and the perception of the situation (C) all affect the level or severity of stress (X) felt by the family. In my situation, I was feeling very stressed and like my husband was judging or blaming me for my joblessness despite my efforts. However, when I drew upon my resources, including my husband, and changed my perspective, my level of stress and the stress on our relationship decreased substantially.
Though not guaranteed to work in every situation, this simplistic view of the ABC-X model could help you or your family cope with stress as it did mine. Start by identifying the stressor (A) and your available resources (B) both within and outside of the relationship. Then examine your perspective (C) of the situation; is it accurate or realistic? From there, draw upon your available resources and work to change faulty or pessimistic perspectives. As you do so, you should feel a lowered level of stress in your life and relationship.
We cannot always remove stressors in our lives, but we can learn how to cope effectively and positively. Stressors do not have to crush us, they can instead strengthen us. It is a fact that fire burns wood but tempers, or hardens, steel. In a world of fire, are you made of wood or steel?
Practice using the ABC-X model in one of your relationships this week! Where are you currently experiencing stress? Identify the stressor, your resources for dealing with it, and your perception of the situation, and then evaluate how that impacts your stress level.
References
Boss, P., Bryant, C. M., & Mancini, J. A. (2002). Family Stress Management: A contextual approach (2nd ed.). SAGE.
Hill, R. (1949). Families under stress. Harper.
Hill, R. (1971). Families under stress; adjustment to the crises of war separation and reunion. Greenwood Press.
Pargament, K. I., Exline, J. J., Jones, J. W., Shafranske, E. P., & Walsh, F. (2013). In Apa Handbook of Psychology, Religion, and spirituality. essay, American Psychological Association.
Peterson, G. W., Bush, K. R., & Lavee, Y. (2013). In Handbook of marriage and the family. essay, Springer.
Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in Family Life and an emphasis in social work. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
This week, challenge yourself to see ways that you are trying to live up to other people’s standards rather than your ideas of who you want to be. Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
Amber A. Price is a researcher, writer, and educator with a focus on authenticity and connection. Her mission is to help women love themselves for who they are so that they can find deeper connection with their partners, family, and friends. She currently lives in Utah with her husband and 4 sons and is working on her PhD in Marriage, Family, and Human Development. Amber loves baking cookies and drinking hot chocolate daily-even in July. You can learn and read more about authenticity and connection at 
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