When my son was two and his older sisters were five and six, mornings were hectic at our house. My wife and I would busily run around making breakfast, preparing lunches, and helping children get ready for the day. Somewhere in there, we would get ourselves ready too. One morning from this time of life stands out in my memory. My son was just beginning to put multiple words together. We had already dressed him, and in the hustle and bustle of the morning, I had not noticed that he had put his shoes on and gone and sat by the door. As I went to leave and take the five year old to kindergarten, he looked up at me and said, “Me go?” He was ready and anxious to go, but he had to stay. He simply was not old enough for kindergarten, and I could not take him with me to teach classes at the university. It broke his little heart.
The ages and the contexts have changed, but similar experiences play out in our household on a daily basis. The oldest is upset that the youngest gets more help with chores than she does. The youngest is upset that he is not allowed to ride his bike around the block by himself like the oldest. Our children are different people, with different abilities and different needs, we must treat them differently. Yet, sometimes it seems that no matter what you do, you simply cannot win as a parent.
In life, we call these differences reality; our children may call it favoritism. Researchers call it parental differential treatment. Overall, research paints a bleak picture. Across childhood and adolescence, dozens of studies suggest that when we treat our children differently, that the one receiving the short end of the stick (i.e., my two year old son who could not go to school) is at risk for causing more trouble at home and school, being more depressed, receiving lower grades, and even engaging in substance use (in adolescence). Perhaps the silver lining is that children who believe that they get the better treatment tend to be less disruptive, are less depressed, do better in school, and are less likely to engage in substance use.
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The realities of life and the scientific research create a frustrating conundrum. We must treat our children differently, but in doing so we may put them at risk. So what is a parent to do? I have spent nearly the last decade of my professional life researching this question. I offer several suggestions below. Each of these is based on one or more studies and my interpretation of them. As a researcher, however, I must caution that more research is needed in this area and these findings are not universal truth.
Be aware of why differences exist
In an older but important foundational study, Kowal and Kramer (1997) found that differences in treatment might not have negative implications in some families. In particular, they found that among 11-13 year-olds, when the children saw differences in parenting as fair, then it had no impact. The children reported that differences were expected because they were different ages, one sibling simply needed more help, they were a different sex than their sibling, they had different interests, or because of disabilities.
These findings present an important idea — if our children recognize why we are treating them differently, then they may see it as fair. What does this mean as a parent? Be open with your children as to why they are treated differently. For example, our oldest recently complained that we were helping a younger sibling with a chore; help that we did not offer her. She was visibly upset by this difference. We mentioned that the younger sibling was unable to physically open the door to the closet where the vacuum was stored, and could not plug it in themselves. As we explained this to her it was as if a lightbulb went off and she said, “Oh, ok.” Then she went happily on her way. The younger the child, the harder this will be, but start young. As they develop the capacity to understand, you will already be in the habit of discussing and talking about differences in treatment.
Although we likely will not have a conversation about every difference, we need to be willing to talk about it with our children. To me, this further suggests that as parents we need to be thoughtful about those differences in treatment and be aware of why they exist. If we find ourselves treating our children differently for a particular reason that we would not want our children to know about, then maybe that particular difference is inappropriate.
Additionally, I suggest that you follow your children’s lead. When they mention differences in treatment, or seem bothered by them, that is the time for a discussion. If you are always bringing up the differences, you may create concern and stress that did not already exist.
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Beware of comparisons
The birth of our first child was an amazing time. I loved watching her grow over those first months and years. Every milestone was a new stage of life that brought new possibilities and challenges. For a long time I could tell you what percentiles her height and weight had been at many ages and how her motor and language skills compared to the average child. That same process was no less exciting with the birth of our next daughter. I discovered quickly, however, that I was prone to interpreting the second daughter’s development in the context of her older sister. I would often say things like, “She just started walking, but her older sister did it nine months earlier than her.” Or, “She already has a vocabulary of over 400 words, her older sister only knew 100 words at this age!” Those comparisons may be harmless with babies, but several recent studies of my own highlight that they may eventually matter. In two different studies, we asked parents to make comparisons about their children, and then we measured what happened over time (Jensen & McHale, 2015; Jensen, McHale, & Pond, 2018). When parents believed that a child was not as smart as the sibling, or that they were more trouble, that child did worse in school and caused more trouble over time, after controlling for previous school performance and behavior. In part, what seems to happen is that children believe that parents treat them differently because of those comparisons, whether parents actually do or not.
Like with my infant daughters, we all make these comparisons about our children. Even if we do not voice those comparisons they may have a way of shaping our daily interactions with them, and in subtle ways may be detrimental to them as individuals. So as much as you can, avoid comparisons. Recently, to help myself make fewer comparisons about my children, I have tried to use less “relative” or “comparison-” based language. For example, rather than telling my daughter that she is the best, I might say, “You’re wonderful.” In essence, I am hoping to communicate love and value without it being in reference to anyone else, including her siblings.
Combat differences in treatment by treating them differently
My oldest daughter likes to wrestle and roughhouse. If she is having a hard day, it often makes her feel a little better if I swing her around like a sack of potatoes and then throw her on the couch. I learned pretty quickly that this does not work with my second daughter. She would rather do a puzzle with me, or draw a picture together. My son would rather play firefighters or read a book. Each of my children are different from one another, with different interests and personalities.
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Another study I conducted suggests that perhaps a way to combat differences in treatment is to go ahead and treat them differently. We found than in some families, differences in treatment had little to no impact on the children (Jensen & Whiteman, 2015). In these families it seemed that the parents were involved in their children’s lives. They knew who they were and what they needed. My suggestion is that you spend one-on-one time with each child. Some of that time should be in activities you prefer, but many times it should be directed by them. Spend time doing the things they enjoy and they will know that you truly care about them and their interests. When you do this, they may not be so concerned about differences in treatment.
Conclusion
Although every day may bring new experiences with differential treatment, these suggestions have the potential to build stronger families where each child feels valued and loved for who they are, and not for who they are in comparison to a sibling, or for how they are treated differently. You will make mistakes, we all do, but keep working on it and do your best.
Make a list of each of your children’s interests. If you are having a difficult time thinking of what to write down, ask your kids! Work on implementing these interests into your interactions with your children this week.
Download this free handout for a list of questions to help you get to know your child or teen.
References
Jensen, A. C., & McHale, S. M. (2015). What makes siblings different? The development of sibling differences in academic achievement and interests. Journal of Family Psychology, 29, 469-478. doi:10.1037/fam0000090
Jensen, A. C., McHale, S. M., & Pond, A. M. (2018). Parents’ social comparisons of siblings and youth problem behavior: A moderated mediation model. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 47, 2088-2099. doi: 10.1007/s10964-018-0865-y
Jensen, A. C., & Whiteman, S. D. (2014). Parents’ differential treatment and adolescents’ delinquent behaviors: Direct and indirect effects of difference score- and perception-based measures. Journal of Family Psychology, 28, 549-559. doi:10.1037/a0036888
Kowal, A., & Kramer, L. (1997). Children’s understanding of parental differential treatment. Child Development, 68, 113 – 126. doi:10.2307/1131929
Alex Jensen is the lucky husband of Heidi and father of three. He is the youngest of six children. Alex received a bachelor’s degree from Brigham Young University and a master’s and doctorate from Purdue University (in Human Development and Family Studies). He is currently an Assistant Professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.
While dining in a Chicago restaurant, I learned the life story of our waiter.
His father owned a lucrative business for many years but went bankrupt. He was not legally obligated to pay back his debts, but this elderly waiter told us how he witnessed his father sacrifice the rest of his life to pay his creditors and die with a peaceful conscience. He lingered at our table, practically sitting down to eat with us, because his father’s story was so compelling.
How we ‘do-do’ it wrong
The father in this story became a hero to his son, not by being perfect, but by being perfectly flawed. It is hard to admit to our mistakes and make reparation. Most adults in leadership positions, whether in the workplace or as the head of the home, have the responsibility of maintaining control.
The status of being in charge suggests that all those under us should trust our judgment. As a result, we hide our flaws. We pretend to know always what is best. We tend to elevate our status to the “we can do no wrong” level in fear of losing the confidence of others.
Forbes magazine argues this is a dangerous belief because “it backs a leader into defending their poor choices, even when they themselves have come to recognize they were wrong.” The truth is we do do wrong, and that gets us in plenty of do-do when we try to cover it up.
Scientists call this cognitive dissonance: the tension you feel when you are mentally out of balance. Non-scientists, namely children, call this hypocrisy. It’s when our actions are in conflict with what we know to be wrong.
For example, I know eating too much cake is bad for me, but I just can’t resist another piece, and another, until it’s gone. As a result, I’m internally conflicted with a stomachache to boot.
As parents, we make mistakes all the time, but we make it worse when we lie about it: “No, I didn’t eat all your Halloween candy.” We cover it up because we crave cognitive consonance, or balance again in the universe (dad = hero). We don’t want our children to know we have trouble controlling our passions. We want them to still look up to us on the parental pedestal (the one use used to climb on to reach the candy up in the cupboard).
Chances are, however, that our hypocrisy will be discovered sooner or later, and we will fall — and fall hard. It will be difficult to regain our child’s trust.
The 3 benefits of owning up
The healthy way to create consonance again is not to justify or lie, but to admit our mistakes: to come clean. Flawed parents are the best tutors because they can use personal mistakes to teach their children how to tell the truth. When our children hear and see us owning up to our mistakes they learn:
1. No one is perfect, and that’s a good thing.
A comforting thought is “no one is perfect … that’s why pencils have erasers.” Children need to see that we are trying to do our best, but when we slip up, that’s OK. Just apologize (sincerely) and get on with it. Rather than wringing our hands and becoming paralyzed with perfectionism, making a mistake once in a while reminds us we are human and allows others to make mistakes too. What a relief! You mean, you’re not perfect either? Families thrive best when they are filled with humans, not super humans or robots. I can love and be loved best when I am real, flawed, and vulnerable.
2. Mistakes are the tutors for growth.
Authors Tavris and Aronson said, “Learn to see mistakes not as terrible personal failings to be denied or justified, but as inevitable aspects of life that help us grow, and grow up.”
I’m reminded of an elementary school teacher who would do something wrong, and in front of her students she would chirp, “Oops! I made a mistake,” and then fix it in their view. She taught the children that the classroom is a safe place to experiment, take risks, and learn from their mistakes.
Dr. Amanda Mintzer, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, stated, “Kids aren’t necessarily exposed to the reality that life includes mistakes, missteps, and even failures. As much as everyone likes things to go according to plan, it’s important to teach our children that it is also okay when they don’t.”
A home can provide the exposure to those realities. Imagine being the mom of Thomas Edison, who replied when asked about the failure of creating the light bulb: “I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways it won’t work.”
3. To take responsibility for our actions.
We see less and less of taking responsibility from leaders in businesses, politics and in communities. If they do, it’s with a vague “mistakes were made.”
We need more role models who state, “I did that and I take full responsibility. I will do whatever it takes to make it right.” Honesty. How refreshing. What better lesson can we teach our children than shouldering up to the consequences of our actions?
The best part of a parent taking responsibility is when a child has the opportunity to watch how the parent goes about making it right. That’s where the real work is done. “Oh, boy. I just ran over a sprinkler head with the car. I’m going to need to get a new part and install it tomorrow.” Then enjoy taking the time to teach your child how to install a new sprinkler head.
Honest effort after an honest mistake engenders trust and esteem from our children. Flawed parents need not fear mistakes, but draw out the human lessons we can learn from them. Mistakes authenticate us as tutors.
The waiter in the Chicago restaurant? I’ve never been so touched at the apparent admiration a son had for his father. Even in his advanced years, he was proud to wait tables for a living, feeling his father’s approval at every table.
Homework:
Option 1: Think about a time when you have made a mistake – preferably something that wasn’t too life-altering or upsetting to you. Think about what you learned from that mistake, and share about the experience with your child.
Option 2: Have a discussion with someone you love about the pitfalls of perfectionism, and how allowing ourselves to make mistakes can be a good thing. For help, take a look at this article by Aubrey Hartshorn.
Tavris, C., & Aronson, E. (2007). Mistakes were made (but not by me): Why we justify foolish beliefs, bad decisions, and hurtful acts. Orlando: Harcourt.
Julie K. Nelson is Assistant Professor of Family Science at Utah Valley University and mother to five children. She is the author of two books: “Parenting with Spiritual Power,” and “Keep it Real and Grab a Plunger: 25 tips for surviving parenthood.” Visit her website www.aspoonfulofparenting.com, where she writes articles on the joys, challenges and power of parenting.
“Rest and self-care are so important. When you take the time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”
–Eleanor Brown
Many of us are serving from empty vessels on a daily basis.
A Gallup news poll from December 2017 indicated that on average, 44% of Americans feel stressed. That number increases to 49% if you are female. If you have a job and a child, that number goes up to 59%. And people ages 18 to 49 experience the most stress at 54 and 56%. For most of us, life moves quickly and there are many demands on our time, energy, and mental load. Many of us feel overloaded. The effects of this are bigger than just feeling unhappy.
Stress can cause a myriad of issues, resulting in depression, anxiety, relationship difficulties, irritability, and general unhappiness. Our bodies often will manifest our stress as well. Our emotions play a role in many types of chronic conditions — in how they progress or how we experience the illness. Reviews of the research have indicated since the 1970’s that 60-80% doctors’ visits are stress related. Many of our common chronic physical complaints (i.e. chest, heart and abdominal pains, headaches, gastrointestinal issues) have been showed to be affected, caused or made worse by stress. This is not new information, yet we still aren’t taking it seriously.
Running on Empty
The analogy of a car can help us visualize why self-care is important and what kinds of self-care we need.
Our cars take a certain amount of attention to keep functioning. If we ignore the “E” light on our gas gauge or neglect regular maintenance, there are consequences. Not taking care of our vehicle means that it may stop running properly and it is no longer able to help us.
Our bodies and our minds also need attention. Eventually, neglect catches up. We may experience physical or emotional breakdown. To prevent that, we all need to have activities that maintain and repair.
A literature review of research studying the effects of self-care on those in caregiving professions (such as hospice workers and social workers), found that self-care was helpful in reducing burnout and symptoms of secondary trauma, and that it improved happiness. The review also showed that engaging in several types of self-care is more effective and protective than just doing one type of self-care. It would seem logical that what helps professional caregivers would be worth keeping in mind for all of us.
So What Is Self Care?
Self Care isn’t just bubble baths and chocolate. It isn’t just exercise and eating healthy. It isn’t just vacations or walks in the woods. It can be those things. And a hundred others….
Self Care isn’t one specific thing……..
It’s many habits, big and small, which together soothe and make sure we are functioning at our best — emotionally, mentally and physically.
Why is developing a habit of self-care important?
Your health and happiness depends on it.
You can’t give what you don’t have.
Martyrdom is overrated. We don’t have to suffer and sacrifice our happiness and wellbeing for the sake of others. What good are we then?
You are worth it.
Self-care needs to reflect and be flexible to our specific circumstances. Both our all-caps CIRCUMSTANCES — which are things not easily changed like your life stage or physical limitations, and our lowercase circumstances — which are things that change more frequently like if your kids are sick, if you have a really busy week. What you can do for self-care today may not be the same as what you could do last year, or even what you will be able to do next week.
Recognize You Need and Deserve It
“Taking care of your self doesn’t mean me first. It means me too.”
-L.R. Knost
Self-care isn’t selfish. Self-care doesn’t mean neglecting other people. Self-care allows you to have the emotional and physical resources to do all the things you want to do in your life.
If this is a hard idea, perhaps start thinking about the reasons to engage in self-care, about what it will do for you.
Still too hard?
Maybe all you can do is think about what you HOPE it will do. That’s a good enough place to start.
Then think about what is getting in your way. Do you need permission? Consider this your permission!
What else is in the way? Time? Money? Feeling unworthy of it?
Problem solve with someone who loves you and supports your efforts to care for yourself. It is possible to find things that refuel and renew with any budget and any time frame.
Make Time
“When you discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.”
– Jean Shinoda Bolen
Identify what refuels, rejuvenates and refreshes you. A self-care assessment can clarify what you are already doing and where gaps are in your self-care practices. Click this link for a self-care-assessment that identifies different kinds of self-care.
If you haven’t done anything for yourself in a while, you might have forgotten what you like!
Now build your self-care plan. Click here for a worksheet that will help you in creating your own personal self-care plan. Once you’ve identified a variety of activities that might work for you, it’s easier to schedule them into your day and your life.
Self-care can be big or small. Try to do something every day that is enjoyable for you. It may be a small thing, like savoring your favorite cold drink. It may be bigger like hanging out with a friend. You might already do something enjoyable every day, but not be aware of it. Bring your awareness to it, tell yourself “This is for me.” This acknowledgment increases your enjoyment, and increases its power to refresh you.
Self-care is by nature kind and self-compassionate. Be gentle to yourself as you try to learn this new habit. Anything you do is better than nothing. Start where you are. Make one small change, then another. And as you make those small changes, like adding coins to a pile, the effects of them grow. Soon you will find that your ability to handle stress increases, your tension is reduced and your love and appreciation for yourself grows. And that’s a nice way to live a life.
Reva Cook grew up around the world as an Air Force brat, gaining an appreciation and love for people of all walks of life. She received her BS degree from Brigham Young University and her MSW from the University of Utah. She has many years of experience working with those who are finding life hard to navigate. She has worked for Intermountain Healthcare as an ER crisis worker, and as Utah Valley Live Well Center’s LCSW. She is a therapist with The Healing Group, specializing in maternal mental health, motherhood, anxiety, and life transitions. She preaches the message of learning to love your real, imperfect, complicated life as a reoccurring guest on KSL’s Studio 5, in FB Live interviews with the baby cubby and Intermountain Moms, and on FB as Reva Cook and Instagram as @revacooklcsw. In her spare time, she juggles life with her husband Clint and their 4 kids and 3 cats.She enjoys funny memes, Diet Coke, and planning home DIY projects that occasionally actually happen.
Alex Jensen is the lucky husband of Heidi and father of three. He is the youngest of six children. Alex received a bachelor’s degree from Brigham Young University and a master’s and doctorate from Purdue University (in Human Development and Family Studies). He is currently an Assistant Professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.
Julie K. Nelson is Assistant Professor of Family Science at Utah Valley University and mother to five children. She is the author of two books: “Parenting with Spiritual Power,” and “Keep it Real and Grab a Plunger: 25 tips for surviving parenthood.” Visit her website 
