Guest Writers, Power Couples

The Reckoning and The Rumble Part 1 – Owning Your Story within Marital Conflict

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Click here to read parts two and three of The Reckoning and The Rumble series!
Written by Melissa Buckley of Learning to Thrive
I finally had my light bulb moment!  
I looked at my husband and said, “I feel left out… I just want to feel included, like I belong.”
His face softened and his heart melted in front of me. I was finally saying something he understood. After more than an hour (yikes!) of hashing out a pretty nasty fight, I had clarity!
I had to really dive deep to find that root emotion. And it was hard to admit it once I realized it. Getting to that moment was hard. But I don’t think it should have been that hard… 
I knew there was a better way, and I had an inkling it was about my emotions. After all, John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says that “the more emotionally intelligent a couple—the better able they are to understand, honor and respect each other and their marriage—the more likely they will indeed live happily ever after” (John Gottman, 1999, pp. 3-4).
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Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash

Searching for More

To be emotionally intelligent we need to take responsibility for our emotions, recognize they are our own, and then have the courage to share them with others. We must also allow others to do the same. Being vulnerable is critical to understanding emotions but can be potentially heartbreaking. The Rising Strong process outlined in Brené Brown’s book of the same title is designed to help us navigate those vulnerable moments with resilience (Brown, 2015, pp. xiv, xvii).
The Rising Strong Process
  1. The Reckoning: Walk into your story – recognize emotion, get curious
  2. The Rumble: Own your story – challenge assumptions, make changes
  3. The Revolution: Write a new ending (Brown, 2015, p. 37)
One major roadblock to this process can be fear, which causes us to disengage. For some, the roadblock of fear is too difficult to overcome. Some “don’t like how difficult emotions feel… [worry] about what people might think… [and] don’t know what to do with discomfort and vulnerability” (p. 50). This can especially be true for men. As this is an important topic, I will be covering it in a separate article next month. 

The Stress Response

As I began to dive into the Rising Strong process, trying to identify emotions, all I felt was shame. For me, that was “the fear of disconnection” (Brown, 2007, p. 47).
Shame can be triggered by one of the twelve “shame categories—appearance and body image, motherhood, family, parenting, money and work, mental and physical health, sex, aging, religion, being stereotyped and labeled, and speaking out and surviving trauma” (p. 172).
Which basically covers the majority of marital conflict. Go figure. 
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Photo from pexels.com
When I feel shame, my heart races, my stomach tightens, and I tend to lash out. It affects my ability to think clearly and I feel very erratic—not my normal self.
Brené hypothesizes that when we “experience shame we are often thrown into crisis mode… that shame can be so threatening… [it] can signal our brains to go into our very primal, ‘fight, flight or freeze’ mode” (Brown, 2007, p. 28). A recent study on the effects of shame on the brain states, “When faced with shame, the brain reacts as if it was facing physical danger and activates the sympathetic nervous system generating the flight/fight/freeze response.” (Davis, 2019) 
Was I really behaving like I was being attacked by a lion?! Surely that can’t be right…
But the more I learned about these three different stress responses, the more I could see how my reaction was hindering progress in our marriage. I also realized that my husband and I have different stress responses.  
See this great video for more details about the Fight, Flight, Freeze Stress Response.

The Reckoning

Before my light bulb moment, I had walked into an argument with my husband, upset about something he had done. I spent an hour asking him why he had done it, trying to change him. Because my stress reaction is “fight,” I was determined to hash it out until we fixed it. This also means I was too caught up to look inward at myself. At a certain point, he clammed up and went right into the “freeze” stress response because he felt emotionally threatened. It wasn’t until then that I was able to look at myself, and, rather than blame him, actually realize how I felt about what had happened.
This is “The Reckoning.” I needed to reflect on how I was feeling, apart from my spouse. I needed to take responsibility for my emotions and subsequent actions. Choosing to reflect apart from my spouse helps me to think clearly without stress or pressure.  Be sure you are clear if you choose to take time to think or you will risk the other person assuming you are in a “flight” stress response. Simply saying, “I am feeling a big emotion and I need to sort through it on my own,” or “I know this is an important topic, but I need some time to process first” can be very helpful signals. 
The second part of the reckoning is to be curious. I had to begin to ask why I was feeling that way. I had my light bulb moment when I began to question why I was feeling disconnected. When we are curious, we surrender to uncertainty (Brown, Rising Strong, p. 52). This can mean having the courage to say “I don’t know” or even scarier, to deal with deep hurt or darkness. Wanting to dive into this line of questioning can be intimidating, but it is crucial to the reckoning. (pp. 53, 67) 
Being curious enough to ask why is “The Reckoning.” Finding the answer to the why is “The Rumble.”
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The Rumble

1. Be honest about the stories you are telling yourself.
Own your feeling: I feel disconnected. 
What is the story you are telling yourself? The story I am telling myself is that if you didn’t include me, you don’t love me.
2. Challenge those assumptions to determine what the truth is and what needs to change.
Ask questions like:
Is this really true? 
Do I need more information? 
What assumptions am I making? 
Do I know enough about the other parties? 
What emotion or experience is underneath my response? 
What part did I play? 
These questions should be personal, embracing awareness and growth (Brown, Rising Strong, 2015, p. 88).
This has been one of the hardest steps for me as these questions can be difficult to answer. Sometimes it takes me minutes, other times weeks, to find the truth beyond my assumptions. The more I practice questioning, the better I get at it. I can even avoid potential misunderstandings by first asking questions. The next step may be to say to your spouse, “This is what I am telling myself. Help me see the truth.”
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Photo from pexels.com

The Revolution

Searching for truth without stress was the key. As it turned out, my feelings of disconnection stemmed from a negative teenage memory. And my husband was not intentionally trying to leave me out. I was six months pregnant, tired, and going to bed at 8pm, and he was doing fun things on his own while allowing me to sleep. 
Knowing the real story helped us to move forward.
The Rising Strong Process also yielded additional insights. For example, we recognized a greater need for spending more time together. We began writing the next part of our story together. “The Revolution” allows our knowledge to change the way we love one another. 
When we see our spouse more fully, we can love them better. 

Conclusion

When we continue to believe the “story we are telling ourselves” rather than dive deeper to find the real story, we risk remaining in the same conflict or perhaps only addressing surface-level problems. 
There will always be marital conflict, but when we learn to question our own feelings in an emotionally intelligent way, we can build resilience. We can begin to rewrite our marital stories.
So the next time you feel your teeth clench or your heart pound, see it for what it truly is: your body and mind sensing emotional danger. Start by looking inward. Find the trigger. Acknowledge your deepest fears and insecurities. Then, challenge your assumptions. Embrace the real story, and find the courage to act. 
You never know how sharing your innermost feelings could strengthen your marriage. 
Click here to read parts two and three of The Reckoning and The Rumble series!
Personal Practice 1Spend some time this week practicing reflecting on how you are feeling, and being curious about why you are feeling those feelings. Be sure to do so OUTSIDE of a conflict.

References

Brown, B. (2007). I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t). New York: Gotham Books.
Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong. New York: Random House.
Davis, S. (2019, April 11). The Neuroscience of Shame. Retrieved August 12, 2019, from https://cptsdfoundation.org/2019/04/11/the-neuroscience-of-shame/
John Gottman, N. S. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown Publishing Group.
The Fight Flight Freeze Response. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEHwB1PG_-Q

 

 

Melissa Buckley Headshot Melissa discovered her talent for writing in her freshman writing class at BYU. She graduated with a degree in Family Life and then attended Le Cordon Bleu to pursue her dream of baking wedding cakes. After three years of professional baking, she hung up her apron to be a stay at home mom. She lives in Las Vegas with her husband and twin toddlers. She has since rekindled her love of writing and finds time to write while caring for her children.

Melissa has a passion for sharing her knowledge and experiences with other women, to empower them to be their best selves. She writes about faith, family, love and relationships with the occasional baking metaphor.

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Guest Writers, Love, Me

Intuitive Eating (Not Just for Dummies)

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Written by Erin Palmer, Body Image Coach and Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor
Keto. Intermittent Fasting. Whole 30. Low-carb. Vegan. Weight Watchers. Juice fasts. Clean Eating. There is no end to the variety of diets that are competing for your attention when it comes to your weight and health. Many of them tout guidelines and science-backed principles that openly conflict with one another. While they differ in some ways, all diets come back to the same principle of restriction. They require meticulous counting and measuring, eradication of certain food groups, as well as other rules and regulations to guide the eating experience. Add that to all of the social expectations about how your body “should look” and it is no wonder that so much of our time and energy is consumed by dieting and body thoughts. Registered dietician Christy Harrison aptly calls dieting “the life thief”. (Harrison, 2017) 
At its core, the idea of dieting for the purpose of improving one’s health seems harmless. However, contrary to what the diet and fitness industry is telling us, studies show that dieting has a 90-95% failure rate. (Grodstein, et al., 1996) An additional study also documented that dieting as a result of weight stigma poses a significant threat to psychological and physical health and presents significant risk factors for depression, low-self esteem, and body dissatisfaction. (Andreyeva, Puhl, & Brownell, 2008)
The more you diet, the more your confidence and self-trust gradually erodes. 
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Photo from pexels.com
In 1995, two registered dieticians published a new book, Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program that Works. Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch were working independently but had both noticed that no matter what they did to help their clients lose weight and keep it off their clients kept coming back, filled with guilt and shame, having regained the weight. They realized that dieting was not working and they decided to dive deep into the data. What resulted from their research were the life-changing principles that are found in their book. Now they teach about the importance of rejecting the diet mentality and making peace with food. They teach how to cope with your emotions without using food and learn to respect your body and find joy in movement and exercise. (Tribole, & Resch, 2019)
But intuitive eating is so much more than a new “plan.” At its core, Intuitive Eating is about taking your power back. It’s about learning to trust your natural instincts and to ignore all the different outside messages telling you who you need to be, what you need to look like, how much you should weigh, what you can eat, when you can eat it, how much of it you can eat, etc.. Intuitive eating is about tuning in to your body and re-learning how to trust and truly take care of yourself. It is about finding pleasure and satisfaction in food again while living your most fulfilling life, free of the shame and guilt that often accompanies dieting. 
There is a large misconception that when we let go of all the diet rules and practice intuitive eating that we are “letting ourselves go.” This could not be more opposite from the truth. When you truly give yourself permission to eat and to rely on your body’s signals of hunger, fullness, and satiety, you are allowing yourself to be! You are giving yourself permission to take up space and to live a purposeful life without measuring your worth by the number of calories you consume or whether or not you were able to achieve ketosis. Eating intuitively requires that you are present in your life and are aware of your emotions and thoughts surrounding food. The more you come to know and value your own inner voice, the more you will learn to give your body what it truly needs, whether that be cake or kale. Many people I have worked with have been surprised at what happens when they begin to trust themselves. While they originally thought that they would end up living off a diet of candy and chips, they learned that when they took the time to listen to their body their body provided them with cravings for a variety of nutrients and foods. In my opinion, learning to listen to and trust your body with food is one of the most powerful and effective means of self-care.
If you have spent a good part of your life on a diet, it may feel really intimidating to dive into intuitive eating. But know this: unlike a diet, you cannot fail at intuitive eating! (Tribole, & Resch, 1995) It is all a learning process and it looks different for every person. Your journey will be different, but even moments of cleaning out an entire carton of ice cream in one sitting can provide an opportunity to check in and reconnect with yourself.
Here are some steps that you can take towards learning how to trust your own intuition with food and make peace with your body:
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Photo from pexels.com

1. Learn to ask questions

We have been sold a lot of ideas about health and wellness that at first glance may seem like good things. But it is important to ask yourself questions like, “Who decided that _____ is the way that we should all look?” “Who benefits from me buying that product/participating in that diet?” “Why do I believe that changing my body in this way will allow me to feel ____? Is that true?” You can also use this tool to help you as you navigate intuitive eating and re-learn what your body needs, what foods truly taste good to you, what type of exercise and movement brings you joy. 

2. Get rid of external measuring sticks

Have you ever watched a young child eat? When you were a toddler, you ate when you were hungry and you stopped when you were full. You found joy and satisfaction in food. Your body was created and developed from a small group of cells into a full human infant without any kind of external influence. Your body still has every system and regulator it needs to continue to help you thrive and grow. The problem is that we have learned to ignore those internal regulating systems and intuition and instead rely on food pyramids, fitness trackers, and scales to tell us what, when, and how we should be eating. Go back to the basics, learn to trust yourself by how you feel and experience food. You are your own best measuring stick.

3. Practice self-acceptance

Have you ever told yourself “I’ve got to work off that extra cookie I ate last night” or “As soon as I am ___ lbs, then it will be easier to love myself.” Punishing yourself out of disgust or waiting until a future day to love yourself are rooted in the idea of fear. Fear that you won’t be accepted by others as you are, fear of gaining weight, or fear of not measuring up to our own self-inflicted standards. The antidote to fear is love, but proclaiming “I love my body and I love myself” can sometimes be a hard jump for some people. The small starting step is to practice acceptance for who you are at this moment and recognize that nothing is going to change your body in that instant. Don’t allow the ever-fluid future to rob you of the beauty happening in your life today. Start living and experiencing the life you are waiting for right now!  
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Photo from pexels.com

4. Give yourself grace

Starting something new can be hard. Unlearning years of diet lies and gimmicks can be especially tricky. It is most definitely a process that takes a lot of time and intention and you can’t measure or compare your journey to anyone else’s. Each day you will need to give yourself grace and be curious instead of critical. Give yourself permission to feel sad or angry at the lies that you have been sold about your body. Offer kindness and patience to yourself as you navigate learning how to trust yourself again. We are often so much more charitable to those around us than we are to ourselves but in the end, one of the most important relationships we have is with ourselves and investing in self-kindness and self-compassion is key. 

5. Read the book Intuitive Eating

Intuitive eating has become somewhat of a buzzword in the social media community. While it is incredible and exciting that it is finally getting the attention it deserves, there are many sources that claim to be intuitive eating focused while still holding on to dangerous aspects of diet culture. Go to the original source! If you have spent part of your life caught up in diet culture and experiencing poor body image, implementing the principles from that book has the power to help you make peace with food and your body and has the potential to ultimately change your life.
Personal Practice 1This week, spend at least one meal eating mindfully. Before you take your first bite, notice the smell and look of your food. Anticipate what it will taste like. As you tuck in, chew slowly. Notice the texture and feel of the food. Really relish in the taste. Eating in this mindful way can help you be more in-tune with the needs and desires of your body. Be sure to pay attention to when you feel full!

References

Harrison, Christy. “The Life Thief.” 2017, https://christyharrison.com/thelifethief
Grodstein, F., Levine, R., Spencer, T., Colditz, G. A., & Stampfer, M. J. (1996). Three-year follow-up of participants in a commercial weight loss program: Can you keep it off? Archives of Internal Medicine 156(12), 1302.
Andreyeva, T., Puhl, R. M. & Brownell, K. D. (2008). Changes in Perceived Weight Discrimination Among Americans, 1995–1996 Through 2004–2006. Obesity, 16: 1129–1134. doi:10.1038/oby.2008.35
Tribole, E., & Resch, E. (2019) The Principles of Intuitive Eating. https://www.intuitiveeating.org/10-principles-of-intuitive-eating/ 
Tribole, E., & Resch, E. (1995). Intuitive eating: A revolutionary program that works. pg 53
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Guest Writers, Power Couples

Getting Your Marriage Retirement-Ready NOW

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Written by Sammi Trujillo
As young couples, we are often pressed to begin planning for financial stability in retirement as soon as possible. Couples sit down and discuss whether or not they want to use Traditional or Roth IRA’s, to participate in a 401k, or to invest in real estate or stocks. They decide together how much they want to contribute to their plan each month or year, and they regularly revisit the topic to make sure they are on track for meeting their financial needs in retirement.
But most couples are not taught about the effect of retirement on marital satisfaction, or how to plan ahead for maintaining marital stability through the transition into retirement. For the majority of couples, marital satisfaction tends to decrease temporarily for up to 3 years after retirement, but retirement’s impact on marital satisfaction is more about the process of retirement than just simply being retired (Moen, Kim, & Hofmeister, 2001). When couples are preparing for marriage or having a baby, there is an understanding that it is going to take time to transition into new roles, schedules, and priorities. The same goes for retirement; it is a life event that will re-define and impact a relationship in many ways. If couples keep this in mind as they plan for retirement, they will be better prepared to handle both the expected and unexpected changes that will come. They may also find greater patience for themselves and their spouse and can have a positive outlook as they go through this tough transition together (Higginbottom, Barling, & Kelloway, 1993).

Achieving marital satisfaction post-retirement

Many articles online or in magazines give couples advice for relighting the spark in their marriage during retirement. Tips such as going on dates, asking get-to-know-you questions, and trying new things together are common. Yet few of those tips seem to be supported by research. Instead, the majority of research about having high marital satisfaction during retirement involves things that need to occur or are already a pattern before retirement. Here are five main conversations and patterns couples can develop early on to prepare for a satisfying marriage in retirement:
1. Create a definition of retirement that works for your marriage.
The word retirement often brings to mind images of golf courses, summer homes, traveling, bucket lists, and most importantly, the lack of work. But careers are getting shorter and the ability to save enough money for retirement is getting harder. Researchers are finding that retirement is starting to look different for everyone and can include starting second or even third careers, working part-time or full-time, volunteering, etc. (Moen, Kim, & Hofmeister, 2001). Being open to employment during retirement and other regular activities that create demand for each partner’s time and talents can help individuals and couples maintain a sense of purpose that is sometimes lost with the “I finally get to do whatever I want” mentality of the traditional definition of retirement. A new definition of retirement may also help couples decide to “retire” at the same time. Some research indicates that while couples who only have one retired spouse experience the lowest marital satisfaction during the retirement transition, while couples who retire at the same time have the highest marital satisfaction (Lang, 2001). Perhaps both partners will want to start new careers, or one will start a new career while the other works part-time and puts energy into an old or new hobby that they previously didn’t have time for. Whatever definition you decide on together, find a way to make room for each partner’s personal post-retirement desires and be supportive of each other.
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Photo from pexels.com
2. Talk about how each spouse expects roles to change or stay the same during retirement.
Even when retirement still involves employment, schedules may change and spouses may find that they are more available in helping out with their partner’s responsibilities. In particular, many husbands who retire begin to participate more in household labor. While some research shows that wives are grateful for the help, other research has found that wives may feel as though their territory and routines are being invaded (Trudel, Villeneuve, Anderson, & Pilon, 2008). After years of maintaining a status quo, it can be difficult to change who does what and how they do it. Household labor division is an especially challenging topic, but if couples sit down and talk about their expectations for post-retirement roles and responsibilities, the transition through these changes may be significantly easier (Kulik, 2001).
3. Work together to maintain a social network of friends.
While maintaining close friendships is important for both spouses, husbands will particularly benefit from having a social network apart from their spouse (Han, Kim, & Burr, 2019). Wives can help encourage husbands to go out with friends and be supportive of spending some time apart from each other. Couples can also make it a joint priority to build friendships with other couples and socialize in groups regularly. Having a social network that extends beyond the marriage is important for individual mental health and for positive interactions between spouses. Making time for friends needs to be a priority early on in and throughout a marriage, otherwise, couples may make it to retirement and realize they have no social network. It is easier to maintain a social network or be in the habit of socializing than it is to start building one from scratch at an older age.
4. Pay attention to shared and solitary activities that bring joy and excitement into your lives.
People often have some go-to activities that bring happiness and possibly even respite from the daily grind of life. Some of these activities may require solo participation while others are best done with a spouse, a close friend, or a group of friends. Making a conscious effort to identify how these different activities impact the individual and the couple, and continuing to prioritize a variety of activities (shared and solitary) throughout early marriage and the retirement process is important for relationship success (Fitzpatrick, & Vinick, 2003).
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Photo from pexels.com
5. Strive for high marital satisfaction throughout your marriage.
The number one finding that nearly every study I read had in common was that marital satisfaction after retirement almost directly mirrors marital satisfaction before retirement. Couples who have high marital satisfaction before retirement will continue to be highly satisfied with their marriage, while those who have low marital satisfaction will continue to be unsatisfied with their marriage (Fitzpatrick, & Vinick, 2003). This is where those tips on dating and getting to know each other come in handy. Positive and healthy marriage patterns need to start early in marriage and be maintained in order for them to matter during retirement.
Financial planning and preparing for retirement is expected to begin decades before retirement actually happens, and it should be the same for having a healthy and happy marriage in retirement. Couples can start actively planning early on for how they want their marriage to look post-retirement, and what kind of retirement experience they want to have together. Most importantly, couples should commit to having that type of marriage and experience now.
Personal Practice 1If you were retiring today, what would your ideal retirement look like? Are you completely retired from employment, or do you want to try a new line of work? Are you volunteering in your own community, or traveling? Do you want to pick up a new hobby, or devote your time to a long-loved talent? Write it down. Now write out 2-3 alternate situations that look different from your ideal and consider how could find satisfaction if your retirement looked more like one of these alternatives. Discuss what you have written down with your partner.

References

Fitzpatrick, T. R., & Vinick, B. (2003). The impact of husbands’ retirement on wives’ marital quality. Journal of Family Social Work, 7(1). 83-100. doi: 10.1300/J039v07n01_06
Han, H. S., Kim, K., & Burr, J. A. (2019). Friendship and depression among couples in later life: The moderating effects of marital quality. Journals of Gerontology: Psychological Sciences, 74(2). 222-231. doi: 10.1093/geronb/gbx046
Higginbottom, S. F., Barling, J., & Kelloway, K. E. (1993). Linking retirement experiences and marital satisfaction: A mediational model. Psychology and Aging, 8(4). 508-516.  
Kulik, L. (2001). The impact of men’s and women’s retirement on marital relations: A comparative analysis. Journal of Women and Aging, 13(2). 21-37. doi: 10.1300/J074v13n02_03
Lang, S. (2001). How retirement affects marriages. Human Ecology. 24.
Moen, P., Kim, J. E., & Hofmeister, H. (2001). Couples’ work/retirement transitions, gender, and marital quality. Social Psychology Quarterly, 64(1). 55-71. doi: 128.187.116.8
Trudel, G., Villeneuve, V., Anderson, A., & Pilon, G. (2008). Sexual and marital aspects of old age: An update. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 23(2). 161-169. doi: 10.1080/14681990801955666

 

 

Cropped up closeSammi Trujillo is nearing the completion of her Bachelor’s degree in Family Studies from Brigham Young University. She has been married for over seven years and is the mother of two young children. Sammi loves teaching about strong marriages, healthy sexuality, and positive pregnancy and birth. Her passion for writing began in junior high and includes both public scholar writing and creative writing. She is currently working on her first novel and works as a public scholar writer for BYU.
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Guest Writers, Project Parent

The Dinner War – Battling a Picky Eater

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Written by Dietitian Danika Dunn
It’s five thirty and your five-year-old walks into the kitchen saying he’s hungry. “Good, it’s dinner time!” you say, cheerfully, hoping to prevent an explosion. The three-year-old starts to whine and you slip him another fruit snack as you guide the two to their seats, bracing yourself. They mope. You encourage. They grumble. You barter. They pout. You bribe. They scowl. You threaten. They cry. You go make chicken nuggets.
There are few things that stress a parent out more than mealtime with picky eaters. What if you could just stop it? End the battle; call a truce – is that even possible?
Luckily there is a tried and true method to prevent problems and encourage healthy attitudes, AND it will calm the dinner battles right now! In the 1980s, a dietitian named Ellyn Satter wrote a number of books about feeding healthy families. Since then her principles have been tested over and over again and they are still the gold standard that dietitians use in preventing and dealing with eating difficulties. Here’s what you need to know to get started:

1. Trust that your children want to grow up

Your biggest goal for your children’s eating is that they become healthy adults with healthy relationships with food. Guess what? That’s their goal, too! Deep down, underneath those toddler impulses or preteen attitudes, they want to grow up and be mature adults, including in how they eat! Trust your child to grow up. Trust him, even when he’s acting like, well, a three-year-old. Even when he’s acting like a three-year-old when he’s ten. He still wants to grow up.

2. Honor “The Feeding Relationship”

Satter suggested that children feel secure and able to grow up when there is a division of responsibility in the feeding relationship. The parents have their responsibility and the children have theirs. If nobody crosses the line, things tend to work out!
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Basically, the parents are responsible for the what, when, and where of eating, and the child is responsible for how much (if any) he eats from what is provided. I’ll explain.
What – Parents decide what is served. Choose mostly healthy foods. If you don’t want them eating it, don’t serve it. Or even better, don’t buy it! Make sure you provide three or four options for each meal, one of which is something that you know the child will eat, even if it is just fruit or bread.
When – Have meals and snacks at regular times throughout the day. For young kids, that means a snack every two to three hours. Besides regulating the child’s blood sugar and keeping her from getting hangry, this also allows you to more easily say, “It’s a bummer you didn’t eat anything at the last meal. We’ll have a snack in a couple hours.”
Where – Have meals at the table whenever possible. Provide a pleasant atmosphere – keep it light and cheerful as much as you can. Even though you can’t enforce how much they eat, you most definitely CAN enforce manners! Some children eat their fill (or at least say they are done) very quickly and want to run off and play. It is okay to set a timer (even five or ten minutes) to remain at the table and join the family in dinner conversation, even if she chooses not to eat any more.
How much – The child decides how much, if any, to eat. Sometimes they will eat like a bird and the next day will house three sandwiches. Children meet their nutritional needs over the matter of a week or two, not in a day. It is perfectly normal and fine if they don’t eat meat for a few days but eat a bunch a few days later. Overall if this division of responsibility is followed, they will tend to get what they need. However, if you are concerned about a very picky eater while they are working through this, talk to your doctor or dietitian.
Allowing your child to determine how much she eats also means no cajoling, bargaining, or persuading. Your child can smell an agenda a mile away, so if they sense that you are trying to get them to eat their brussel sprouts by talking loudly about how delicious they are, they may feel like you crossed their line and shut down.

3. What about sweets?

One of the first questions parents want to know is, “What about sweets?” Most dietitians give two options. Serve dessert only occasionally, but when you do, children may eat it ad lib (when it is on the table, it is part of the “meal” and therefore they get to decide how much to eat). The second option is to have a single serving of dessert pre-portioned, but to serve it with the meal, not after. Do not use dessert as a reward for eating more “healthy” food. Sometimes a child will even eat more dinner when they can go ahead and have their cookie first – then they won’t rush through and eat as little as possible to get on with dessert! The bottom line is that we don’t want sweets to become this forbidden thing. That is how we develop many unhealthy attitudes toward food.
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So that’s it! Now you can go and have instantly pleasant meals with happily eating children, right?! Okay, okay, it is one of those parenting principles that is simple, but difficult to implement. It is so hard to sit there and bite your tongue while your child ignores the veggies yet again and goes straight for the roll. It is equally hard to bite your tongue when your stubborn child finally tries the cabbage at dinner, and when he says he likes it, instead of dancing around the kitchen, saying casually, “Oh yeah, it’s pretty good.”  Just remember to take the long-term view. Your ultimate goal is not to get your child to eat his peas tonight. It is to have him grow up to be a healthy eater. Fixing nutrient issues is relatively easy compared to fixing an unhealthy mental pattern regarding food. Trust that they want to grow up. Give them the structure and freedom to do it, and be ready to be amazed!
Note: This article was written to address “normal pickiness.” Extreme pickiness may warrant help from an occupational therapist and/or dietitian. Sometimes there are underlying causes (sensory issues, anxiety, early feeding tubes, etc.) that make it more difficult for some children to overcome finicky eating. These principles still apply and are invaluable in overcoming it, but in these situations, special care must be taken and some tactics may need to be altered.

Personal Practice 1

Write down a meal plan for next week’s dinners. Planning ahead will help you feel less stressed at dinner time, and can even help you save money while at the grocery store!

 

 

file-1Danika Dunn graduated magna cum laude from Brigham Young University with a BS in dietetics and a one-year-old. Because she knows so well the practical stresses of feeding kids, she enjoys helping other families eat for better health – in mind and body.  Right now she spends most of her time homeschooling her five children, folding laundry, listening to podcasts, and taking care of her bees.
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Guest Writers, Power Couples

Equal Partnership and Money: Feminism, Power, Financial Processes, and Happy Marriages

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Written by Family Finance Researcher, Ashley B. LeBaron
If you were to ask the average person on the street, “What is the #1 thing you and your partner fight about?”, chances are good that they would say, “Money.” (They might also say, “Sex,” but we’ll save that for another day.) My job is to figure out why, what this means for you, and what you can do about it. Hi! I’m Ashley, and I’m a family finance researcher. I study how money and family relationships impact each other.
A couple years ago I was listening to a lecture on feminism (btw, I’m a feminist, and I’m pretty sure you are too—we’ll come back to that) and had a lightbulb moment: Is power part of the reason why money—particularly how couples handle their money—has such an effect on couple relationships?
With help from four incredible co-authors and friends (Erin K. Holmes, Jeremy B. Yorgason, E. Jeffrey Hill, and David B. Allsop), I conducted a study that explored whether four couple financial processes (individual income, whether couples had a joint bank account, the extent to which couples managed their money as a team, and how often couples fought about money) would predict relationship quality and relationship stability. I also explored whether relational power would explain why the couple’s financial processes predicted relationship outcomes. In other words, I tested whether financial processes affect the power each partner feels they have in their relationship and whether that power then goes on to affect relationship outcomes.
Before I tell you what I found, let’s first address the elephant in whatever room you’re currently sitting in.

Feminism.

Some of you are already proud, self-proclaimed feminists, and right now your internal voice is going, “Mmhm, preach.” For others of you, the very word might make you feel uncomfortable and defensive, like you’re about to be attacked by a mob of angry, bra-burning women who will blame you personally for every injustice that’s ever been committed. Go ahead and relax—I am not that mob. When I google “define feminism,” here’s what it spits out: “the advocacy of women’s rights on the basis of the equality of the sexes.” Sure, there are different types of feminism. But most feminists are not trying to take over the world and make you feel less than in the process; they’re just trying to help people have an equal opportunity and voice, regardless of whether people have two X chromosomes or an X and a Y. They’re saying, “Hey, I believe women and men are equals. But sometimes, people aren’t treated that way. Let’s do something about it.” I am so grateful for the women before me who recognized their worth and were brave enough to stand up and demand basic rights so that today a woman like me can do things like vote, own land, and be a professor. To someone who listens to and seeks to truly understand others, feminism isn’t scary—it’s a call for equal partnership.
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Photo from pexels.com

Power.

Let’s also address the word power. To some of you, this might be another one of those scary, ugly-sounding words. Just like the way I feel about feminism has changed, though, the way I feel about power has changed, too. When people use their own power to hurt or take away the power of others, it becomes an ugly thing. Power can be misused. But isn’t it wonderful to see those who once felt powerless become empowered? In relationships, power can be defined as the say or influence that each partner feels they have in their relationship. In other words, to what extent do they feel like an equal partner in their relationship? Research has shown that the highest quality relationships are those in which both partners feel empowered. (That makes perfect sense to most feminists, who want equal power for women and men.) In other words, a great marriage is two people with lots of power. As long as both partners have equal power, power isn’t bad—it facilitates equal partnership.
Okay, so hopefully you’re convinced that feminism and power can provide important insights into what an equal partnership looks like. Now, back to the research study: Can feminism help us answer the question Why does money impact couple relationships so much? Is part of the answer power?
Well, simply put (and believe me—with statistics, it’s never actually simple), we were right! Couple financial processes did predict relationship outcomes, and power was part of the reason why. Healthy couple financial processes (stick with me for a second, and I’ll give you some examples) maximize each partner’s relational power, and relational power seems to be what is actually affecting relationship outcomes.

So what?

So, why does money matter so much in couple relationships? Because how couples handle their money can either empower both partners, or it can diminish the power of one or both partners. (Thanks, feminism!) When both spouses are involved in financial processes, partners tend to be more empowered, and relationship quality and stability tend to be higher.
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Photo from pexels.com
So, what do these findings mean for you? You get to decide! Power and equal partnership will mean different things in every relationship. However, here are three research-supported steps that you might consider taking to help you better manage finances as a couple:
  1. Have joint bank accounts – Having access to money is empowering and facilitates transparency between partners. Pooling resources can also be symbolic–you are a team.
  2. Co-manage your money as a team – Make money decisions together and be on the same page about income, expenditures, retirement plans, etc. This demonstrates your equality and partnership.
  3. Have minimal, healthy financial conflict – Conflict is normal and healthy for all aspects of our relationships! When we deal with conflict in healthy ways, it can help us make better decisions as a couple. The same goes for conflict about finances.
Easier said than done? So are many of the most important things in life. It’ll take effort. But your relationship will be stronger because of it! Let your financial processes be one of the ways you demonstrate your equal partnership and, therefore, the love and respect and trust you share.
Personal Practice 1This week, have a discussion about finances with your partner. Do you feel that you are an equal partner when it comes to money-management in your relationship? What changes do you feel you should make together?

References

Britt, S. L., Hill, E. J., LeBaron, A. B., Lawson, D. R., & Bean, R. A. (2017). Tightwads and spenders: Predicting financial conflict in couple relationships. Journal of Financial Planning, 30(5), 36–42.
Conroy, A. A., McGrath, N., van Rooyen, H., Hosegood, V., Johnson, M. O., Fritz, K., Marr, A., Ngubane, T., & Darbes, L. A. (2016). Power and the association with relationship quality in South African couples: Implications for HIV/AIDS interventions. Social Science & Medicine, 153, 1–11. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.socscimed.2016.01.035
Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples. New York: Guilford.
Greenberg, L. S., & Goldman, R. N. (2008). Emotion-focused couples therapy: The dynamics of emotion, love, and power. American Psychological Association. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/11750-000
Knudson-Martin, C. (2013). Why power matters: Creating a foundation of mutual support in couple relationships. Family Process, 52(1), 5– 18.
LeBaron, A. B., Holmes, E. K., Yorgason, J. B., Hill, E. J., & Allsop, D. B. (2018). Feminism and couple finance: Power as a mediator between financial processes and relationship outcomes. Sex Roles, 81(3-4), 140-156. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-018-0986-5
Pahl, J. (1995). His money, her money: Recent research on financial organisation in marriage. Journal of Economic Psychology, 16(3), 361-376. https://doi.org/10.1016/0167-4870(95)00015-g
Yodanis, C., & Lauer, S. (2007). Managing money in marriage: Multilevel and cross-national effects of the breadwinner role. Journal of Marriage and Family, 69(5), 1307-1325. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2007.00449.x

 

 

13590450_10153706553893161_5511957348400890107_nAshley LeBaron is a doctoral student in Family Studies and Human Development at the University of Arizona. Her research focus is family finance, including couple finance and financial socialization. Ashley was valedictorian for the College of Family, Home, and Social Sciences at Brigham Young University in 2016 and Graduate Student of the Year for the Utah Council on Family Relations in 2018.
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