“Communication is your ticket to success, if you pay attention and learn to do it effectively.” – Theo Gold
We all know that communication is vital in relationships. But have you ever considered how this applies to the parent-child relationship? When children can’t properly communicate and when parents don’t know how to help, that relationship suffers.
Now, we know that no child (or grown person!) is perfect at communication, but helping our children learn language, including the ability to ask for what they want, say whether or not they like things, and label items, can be vital in reducing frustration in the home.
So what are some of the best ways to help your child learn and use language?
Play with your child
A clinical report from the American Academy of Pediatrics states that play with parents and peers promotes brain development and “the formation of the safe, stable, and nurturing relationships with all caregivers” (Yogman, Garner, Hutchinson, Hirsh-Pasek, & Golinkoff, 2018). So it’s a double whammy! You get brain development in almost all areas and improved relationships.
Play is the modality through which our children learn. So if we want our children to learn language, we need to incorporate language into play. Start by sitting on the floor with your child. Then either initiate a fun sequence or watch what your child does and imitate them. Then, find a way to incorporate language.
For example, say your child is playing with a car. Take another car, and play alongside them. Depending on their age, you could say something like, “Vroom!” or “Go car!”. Then repeat, repeat, repeat!
If your child is at the imaginative play stage, the possibilities are endless! Just play with them and add language (preferably 1-2 words they haven’t yet mastered) to whatever you’re doing.
This study found that children who were read to daily (about 5 books) were exposed to over a million more words by kindergarten than children who were not read to. What does this mean? Well, we can’t expect our children to learn language when they’re not exposed to language. Books contain words that we don’t usually experience in our daily lives. They also help our children learn sentence structures, rhyming, and the basic structure of stories.
Is it ever too early to read to your children? No. It will never be harmful to include books with play. Just remember to keep reading a positive experience. So don’t push your children past their attention span. If your child is young and you can’t read many books at once, don’t worry! Just try to include stories in a few parts of your day.
Reading with your child does not always mean just reading the exact written words on each page! You can skip words, stop and talk about a page, or skip whole parts. Just stay at your child’s language and engagement level. If you have a young child, it can help them stay more engaged if you sit across from them and hold the book in front of you so that they can see both you and the book at the same time.
Sing with your child
Did you know that using melody is part of a therapy technique for helping stroke patients regain language abilities? Pretty cool, huh? The connection between music and language isn’t fully understood, but music can be a great tool for including language in your daily routine. Melody, rhyming, intonation, and grammar are all aspects of music that translate to spoken language as well.
I like to break music up into two categories: fun songs, and soothing songs. Fun songs are songs like “5 Little Monkeys” or “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” that we use when it’s play time. Including actions is a great way to tap into visual learning and highlight certain words. Soothing music is used at bedtime or other times your child needs calming. These don’t need lots of facial expressions or actions.
I often come across parents who are hesitant to sing with their child. They think that a YouTube video here and there is sufficient music exposure. But human interaction is key here! I’ve never met a child who was critical of their parent’s voice, and nobody is recording you. So put your pride aside, be a little goofy if you must, and sing!
Remember how much communication impacts relationships? Well, as a parent, you are one half of that vital relationship. As important as it is for your child to learn language, remember that it takes time. While your child is learning to communicate with you, be very mindful of your own communication. Make it as kind and respectful as possible. You are the constant language model for your child, and the learning that your child does while they are just observing (called incidental learning) is so powerful!
Whatever you do, remember that nobody knows your child better than you! Use that knowledge to play to their strengths and help them in the ways you know are best. If you lead with love, you can’t go wrong.
Write out your child’s daily routine. Find a way to incorporate a few minutes of any of the above activities into your day. Write it down and commit to including it in your day with minimal distractions.
Hulstijn, J. H. (2001). Intentional and incidental second-language vocabulary learning: A reappraisal of elaboration, rehearsal and automaticity. Dans P. Robinson (Ed.), Cognition and Second Language Instruction (p. 258-286). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
Logan, J. A., Justice, L. M., Yumuş, M., & Chaparro-Moreno, L. J. (2019). When Children Are Not Read to at Home. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics,Publish Ahead of Print. doi:10.1097/dbp.0000000000000657
Yogman, M., Garner, A., Hutchinson, J., Hirsh-Pasek, K., & Golinkoff, R. M. (2018). The Power of Play: A Pediatric Role in Enhancing Development in Young Children. Pediatrics,142(3). doi:10.1542/peds.2018-2058
Kjirsten Keetch is a pediatric Speech-Language Pathologist based in Utah County. She and her husband, James, have been married for 3 years, and they have one perfect little boy. Her job titles include full-time mom, cheer coach, owner of Sunrise Speech Therapy, and writer of the blog Teeny Talkers.
After almost six years of cancer treatments that were followed by stretches of remission that we were told would never come, the fact that my dad was in the hospital again wasn’t too overwhelming. He had bounced back before, and I figured that he would continue to do so far into the future. As a result, my mom’s text requesting that I come to the hospital on that calm, warm night in early June wasn’t too disturbing—until I arrived and saw all of my siblings in the parking lot. Evidently, they’d received the same message.
We made our way silently to the “end-of-life” floor, where the walls were painted a serene blue and the nurses watched solemnly as we passed. Once we had assembled as a family in the hospital room, my parents explained that the doctors had finally run out of options—giving our ever-resilient, 45-year-old dad only a few weeks to live.
Photo courtesy of the author
It was a unique experience to be able to spend my dad’s last days at home, surrounding the recliner that had been brought into my parents’ bedroom where we tried to help him be as comfortable as possible. Though the next two weeks were difficult and we didn’t know when the end would come, we stayed in that room for the better part of every day, eating popsicles, playing card games, and reflecting on every good family memory we could conjure up to distract us from concentrating on the tubes coming out of my dad’s body and his flagging strength.
Parents are influential people in a child’s life (Gross, 2016). They often provide safety, emotional and financial support, and teach important, life-lasting values to their children (Wentzel,1998). My dad was there for me and exemplified everything a good man is. He provided me with a model of what I should look for in any guy who might come into my life. He had a way of keeping each of his children safe and feeling secure, and he taught me through his example about respect, hard work, and trust.
Because of the incredible influence my father had on my life, his passing was especially painful. In fact, losing a loved one to death is considered one of the most stressful events an individual can experience (Koocher, 1986). Today, about 4% of children and adolescents lose a parent (Melhem, Porta, Shamseddeen, Payne, & Brent, 2011), and as my five siblings and I ranged from 14-21 years old at the time, we quickly became part of that statistic. The late teens and early twenties can be the most transformative years of an individual’s life, and if a parent passes during this crucial period, perception of self and support throughout life will likely significantly change (Wagner, 2016).
Many have offered suggestions for those trying to cope with the death of a parent while in their childhood and teen years (Stordahl, 2017). Although the coping techniques young people choose can vary, the bereaved typically end up defining the loss as part of their identity (Koblenz, 2016). The reality is that through many years, the grief comes and goes, and then comes again. However, adapting to life’s challenges can have a positive side and be strengthening. Each trial can be another badge on the “life is hard” achievement sash, another aspect of one’s identity.
How to Cope With the Loss
I found the following three coping strategies to be especially helpful after my own father’s death and feel they may be valuable for others who are dealing with loss:
Don’t Be Afraid to Tell Someone What You Need
The temptation after experiencing a parent’s death is to huddle down inside your own world, to try to be “strong,” and to refuse help. Coping, grieving, and healing will go more smoothly if you can get what you need to make it through the process.
The people around you generally want to help but may not know how. I came to understand that I needed to tell them. Since this was the time I needed people the most, this was also the time that I needed to allow them into my life, and be honest about what I needed from them. If someone texted me asking if they could do anything, I responded. I found that often the simple things were the most helpful and bonding, like asking a friend to just sit silently in a park with me and feel the wind blow across our faces.
Don’t blame those around you if they don’t understand how to act or what to say. It may feel easy, or that you have a perfect excuse to draw the curtains and cancel all plans, but everyone’s grieving experience is different and shutting people out will just confuse those who want to help you. You can let people know that you need space while still nurturing and valuing the space that their friendship has occupied in your life until this point.
After that night when I was told that my dad was dying, I didn’t feel like talking to anyone about anything. Unfortunately, I was turning nineteen in a few days, and there were plans that would have to be cancelled so I could stay home with my family. Some of my friends didn’t even know my dad had cancer, and now I would have to tell them that things were cancelled because he was dying. These were difficult and awkward conversations to have, but once they knew, my friends didn’t have to be confused if I was a little “absent.” They knew that I valued our friendship enough to not keep them in the dark about my struggles.
Take Comfort from the Parts of Life that are Predictable
In reaction to the unpredictable event of my dad’s death, I began to crave parts of life that were predictable. The sun still rose and set every morning and night, I still needed to brush my teeth every day, and the dog still had to be fed. These routines had no special meaning tied to them, but I needed the consistency.
As a family, it was important for us to continue the routines that existed when my dad was alive. Working in the yard every Saturday morning as a family meant so much more to me because I knew my dad would’ve been right there with us if he were alive, in the same old hat and well-loved tennis shoes he always wore. He’d be asking one of us kids to help him hold up a piece of siding so he could nail it onto the shed he was building, racing against daylight to get as much done each week as he could. Keeping up with routines helped give me a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment, especially knowing my dad would be happy to see me working hard.
Now that all but my two little sisters have moved out of the house, I try to go over on a Saturday as often as I can to help my mom with the yard, attempting to keep it looking as good as he left it. It will always need work, and the continued routine helps keep the memories of wonderful bygone days fresh.
Ways That Friends Can Help
Even though I am one who has experienced parental loss, I still sometimes feel powerless when I see someone else grieving. Here are a few suggestions that may be helpful as you reach out to comfort a friend who has experienced a loss:
Use Sensitivity in Offering Help
Asking, “How are you?” does not provide quality support that the bereaved need, they’re really not going to be “fine, thanks.” Instead, ask what you can do. My neighbor was sensitive in the way she worded her offers for help. She would text me and ask, “What do I need to leave on your porch that you feel like eating today?” She wouldn’t let me say that I was fine or deny her the opportunity to support me, but she also respected my need to be alone. She sensitively recognized that leaving things on the porch for now would help me feel a measure of comfort without the stress of maintaining a social presence or answering questions. She was consistent and kind—her offers were always about me and not about her feeling “less guilty” because she had reached out. Her sincerity spoke volumes.
Sympathy typically expires before grieving does (Koblenz, 2016), meaning that people will generously help in the beginning right after the loss, but the support often soon trails off, though the grief remains. Don’t stop bringing flowers or meals after the first week. Anyone can send a little gift with their condolences right after the tragedy happens, but you can be the person that can catch your loved one or friend in a darker time further down the road—just when they need it. The loss will still hurt 5, 10, or 15 years later.
Preserve Memories Through Maintaining Rituals
A friend can be helpful for those who need to remember what life was like before the loss. True friendship for someone who is grieving means carrying on the continued existence of gatherings and outings and doing what you can to help the bereaved feel comfortable during the activity. Remember the good times of the past while not being afraid to create new memories. Support your friend by maintaining the consistency that they need to feel normal, instead of “the one whose dad died.”
As in my case, family rituals—events that are repeated and have meaning—are a powerful tool for helping to soften parental loss. Though some family traditions will need to be adjusted to meet the constraints of the present, try to keep the sentimentality of the ritual, so as to preserve that part of “normal” family life that existed before the loss of the parent. Help those you know get up and go to the annual family Thanksgiving turkey bowl, make that special ham recipe, do the birthday lunch at your favorite restaurant with your best friend, or go to the traditional Christmas Day movie.
Since that June evening where I gathered with my family in the hospital and learned that my life would never be the same, I have grieved, boarded up my emotions, embraced my emotions, and then boarded them up again at times. It still hurts, but I am now more sensitive to how important the journey of grief is and how it can bring families together. Healing takes time and there is no reason to ever feel like you need to “get over” your loss (Cincotta-Eichenfield, n.d.). Do your best to stand by others and realize that life, love, and grief are all journeys—ones that can change us for good.
This week, choose a friend or family member who may need some extra love. Think about ways you might be able to help. Do they need a babysitter so they can have a few hours to themselves? Maybe a meal? Someone to listen to and just be with them? Decide on one specific thing you can do to help them that week, and then offer that help! If they tell you no, that is okay! The point is to practice being intentional and thoughtful about the way you show up for those you love.
Wentzel, K. R. (1998). Social relationships and motivation in middle school: The role of parents, teachers, and peers. Journal of Educational Psychology, 90(2), 202–209. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0663.90.2.202
Melhem, N., Porta, G., Shamseddeen, W., Payne, M. W., & Brent, D. (2011). Grief in children and adolescents bereaved by sudden parental death. Archives of General Psychiatry, 68, 911–919. https://doi.org/10.1001/archgenpsychiatry.2011.101
Wagner, D. M. (2016). Loss of a parent: A retrospective phenomenological exploration of lived experience (Order No. 10125515). ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global. (1796375581).
Haddie Todd Fry has lived in Washington, Colorado, and is currently living in Provo, Utah. Haddie is working on a degree in Family Life and Human Development. She works at a residential treatment center for autistic adolescents and enjoys learning about human relationships and behavior. Haddie is one of six children, and has been married to her husband Jacob for one year. Besides Jacob, her loves include her family, flowers, art, movies, sunshine, and rain.
Written by Hillary Bowler Davis, Marriage and Family Therapist
What does loss feel like to you? Some might describe it as a painful gap, hole, or chasm. Through grief work and healing, the gap generally becomes more manageable as it closes little by little. Except when it doesn’t.
Some losses are ongoing. They raise questions without answers, pain without resolution, and they lack a clearly defined path to closure. To put it simply: “Something is lost, but something is still there” (Boss, 2009, p. 31). Pauline Boss, a therapist and researcher specializing in family stress, named these ambiguous losses, extreme and persistent losses that result in a frozen grief (Boss, 2007). Her theory sparked an entire movement and a field of training for therapists.
Ambiguous loss is generally experienced in one of two ways: a physical absence and psychological presence (leaving without goodbye) or a psychological absence and physical presence (goodbye without leaving) (Boss & Yeats, 2014). A typical loss, while hard in its own way, has a finality to it because of the clear physical and psychological absence (leaving and goodbye).
When there aren’t clear boundaries defining what’s been lost, there’s a lack of tradition to tell how you mourn it (Cacciatore et al., 2008; see Figure 1). Examples include miscarriage, infertility, estrangement, divorce, chronic illness, severe mental health disorders, suicide, dementia, missing persons (soldiers missing in action, accidents or disasters leading to missing bodies, kidnappings), desertion/abandonment, adoptions, immigration and incarceration (Boss, 2007; Boss, 2009; Boss & Yeats, 2014).
As with most things, there is a spectrum of loss experiences. Many everyday losses can also carry enough ambiguity that it disrupts the grief process. For example, a young woman who successfully broke off an unhealthy relationship may struggle with how much she misses her former partner, despite it being for the best. A parent might grapple with their newly empty nest—excited for the opportunities ahead for their adult children but struggling to put a finger on why they feel suddenly unsure of themselves. We constantly navigate transitions and changes where we simultaneously gain and let go, and it leaves us with a mess of emotions.
Some ambiguous losses cause mild distress and avoidance—we don’t talk, think, or acknowledge our feelings about it. Time does heal some wounds, and people are remarkable for their ability to adjust. However, the greater the ambiguity, the worse the symptoms, and the more likely the loss becomes traumatic (Boss, 2007). Symptoms can include anxiety and depression, identity issues, substance abuse and self-harm, and feelings of guilt and helplessness, just to scratch the surface (Boss, 2006).
Imagine experiencing a loss so confusing and so painful that you also seem to lose your relationship with yourself and others around you. Families, couples, and individuals can become completely immobilized, struggling to communicate and make decisions, reconcile differing grief experiences, and carry on with their lives (Boss & Yeats, 2014). The challenge at hand is not only attempting to move forward after a loss, but to move forward, period.
How do you manage grief for a loss that by its very nature seems to have no resolution? How do you change something that won’t change?
Boss proposes that the change happens not because the situation will ever change, but because we can learn to change ourselves, nurturing tolerance for ambiguity and the resilience to live our lives in spite of the ongoing gaps (Boss, 2009). She developed six ways to manage ambiguous loss (Boss, 2006), and the following suggestions are adapted from her work.
To navigate the painful losses and ambiguities in your life, try the following:
Define the loss and find meaning
A critical component for managing ambiguity is making the experience as concrete as possible (Brier, 2008). For example, researchers have found that when parents who experienced a pregnancy loss used a name or label for their loss (even tender nicknames such as “Little One”), it increased their coping (Sawicka, 2017). Defining the loss strips away the first layer of ambiguity to not only make it more tolerable but also to open the door for the rest of your healing process.
Once it is acknowledged and defined, people naturally try to make sense of the loss. However, by its very nature, ambiguous loss defies logic and is therefore difficult to make meaningful.
Your first attempts at making meaning out of the situation might even be negative, such as wondering whether this loss is some kind of a punishment (Boss & Yeats, 2014). Keep going. You can seek a healthier meaning by investigating what this loss really means to you personally. Be gentle with yourself as you move you through the following:
You have experienced a loss.
You have lost _____.
This loss means____.
Meaning making is at the heart of all ambiguous loss work (Boss, 2009). It is just your first step toward healing— consider this your “rough draft” meaning.
Let go of what you can’t control, master what you can
You might be familiar with the idea of choosing to focus on what you can control and letting go what you can’t. But an ambiguous loss pulls back the curtain on something that has always been true: There’s not much that is under your control.
Since you can often do little to restore what is lost, ambiguous loss experts recommend finding a balance through self-mastery: prayer, meditation, creative endeavors, goal setting, exercise, etc.
While these disciplined activities can help you take charge of yourself in moments when everything feels out of control, they are not meant to replace the truth. They must be tempered with acceptance and surrender, which can be cultivated with activities like mindfulness (Boss & Yeats, 2014).
Reclaim old identities, construct new identities
As mentioned before, it can be helpful to find things you can make more concrete to ease the ambiguity, and your identity in relation to what or who was lost is one of these points (Sawicka, 2017). Are you still a mother? A son? A spouse? How has your identity changed with this loss? You can’t have resilience without flexibility and clinging to what was will keep your grief frozen. You have the opportunity to redefine you as someone who lives well, questions and all.
Ride the ups and downs
Without a doubt, dealing with ambiguous losses can leave us feeling ambivalent, having mixed and conflicting emotions (Boss, 2007). It is perfectly normal in any context to have feelings that might contradict one another, but ambiguity tends to polarize these mixed feelings and cause even more confusion and distress (Boss & Kaplan, 2004). On top of this, you might also feel ashamed over specific emotions like anger, envy, and loneliness. When you anticipate ambivalence as part of the process, it can neutralize shame so that other feelings can flow. Remind yourself it is normal to feel strong emotions, refrain from requiring your emotions to make sense, and accept them as they are. They will pass.
The societal push to “get over it” is likely even stronger when the loss doesn’t make sense— if you can’t make it fit into a predefined storyline, it’s tempting to cut it out entirely. In reality, the answer lies in finding a healthy balance between letting go and remembering. In therapy, traditional grief work often directs people toward some final stage of acceptance where the person says goodbye, which is usually not an option with ambiguous loss.
An alternative approach might be especially helpful in cases of ambiguity. Rather than forgetting and moving on, you can deliberately remember and keep whatever or whomever as part of your life (Carr, 1998). Boss’s theory about “revising attachment” walks the line between keeping and letting go, and it requires some decision making on your part. In the case of some ambiguous losses such as divorce and abandonment, you won’t want to keep the person, but you may want to keep an idea or symbol. Perhaps you want to get married again, or you want to break unhealthy cycles in your family. Keep what serves your healing.
Another way to balance keeping and letting go is to turn your focus to what is still certain despite the uncertainty. Your love for the person might be certain. Your happy memories might be certain. Your other remaining relationships might be certain. Your dedication to finding a healthier opportunity or new relationship might be certain. In fact, clarifying roles, rules, and boundaries within our remaining relationships can help ease ambiguity and provide a sure context for the lost person, experience, or idea, to remain alive in our lives (Boss & Yeats, 2014).
Discover new hope
Waiting for closure hinders your ability to heal from an ambiguous loss (Boss & Yeats, 2014). Consider this: What if a sense of justice, peace, and resolution is something you can create? This is the step where you create options for yourself. What rituals, traditions, or other activities can you engage in? Can you join or start an organization? Make a donation? Celebrate a certain day?
Hope is more an action than it is a feeling. Don’t wait for it to happen.
While each of these research-based tips can be considered steps to healing, they are often circular in nature rather than sequential, meaning that healing continues when the steps begin again (Boss & Yeats, 2014). Odds are that once you have worked through the previous steps, your definition and meaning of the loss will change. Apply these again and again until you are living well.
Lean into the ambiguity by engaging with, rather than avoiding, your complicated sense of loss. You can work through the first few steps above through journaling or by speaking up: talk to your spouse, a family member, or friend, to name the loss and begin the work of meaning making. Many of these losses are traumatic. There is no shame in seeking professional help as you work through these steps to develop hope and resilience in the face of all types of losses.
References
Boss, P. (2006). Loss, trauma, and resilience: Therapeutic work with ambiguous loss. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.
Boss, P., & Kaplan, L. (2004). Ambiguous loss and ambivalence when a parent has dementia. In K. Pillemer & K. Luescher (Eds.), Intergenerational ambivalences: New perspectives on parent-child relations in later life (pp. 207-224). Oxford, UK: Els
Boss, P. (2007). Ambiguous loss theory: Challenges for scholars and practitioners. Family Relations, 56(2), 105-111.
Boss, P. (2009). Ambiguous loss: Learning to live with unresolved grief. Harvard University Press.
Boss, P., & Yeats, J. R. (2014). Ambiguous loss: A complicated type of grief when loved ones disappear. Bereavement Care, 33(2), 63-69.
Brier, N. (2008). Grief following miscarriage: a comprehensive review of the literature. Journal of Women’s Health, 17(3), 451-464.
Cacciatore, J., DeFrain, J., & Jones, K. L. (2008). When a baby dies: Ambiguity and stillbirth. Marriage & Family Review, 44(4), 439-454.
Carr, A. (1998). Michael White’s narrative therapy. Contemporary Family Therapy, 20(4), 485-503.
Sawicka, M. (2017). Searching for a narrative of loss: interactional ordering of ambiguous grief. Symbolic Interaction, 40(2), 229-246.
Hillary Bowler Davis was born and raised in Riverton, Utah. After starting her career in writing and marketing, she took a leap of faith to study to become a therapist. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy and works as an associate therapist in the Salt Lake Valley with individuals, couples, and families. Hillary is passionate about personal growth and healthy relationships and gets most excited about digging into life’s hard questions. Her next big adventure is building a family with her husband.
“I don’t want to go to school! I hate school! Do I have to go? Can I just stay home with you?”
These were frequently uttered phrases in my household. And by frequently uttered, I mean I chanted them every morning before being carted off to school. Over time, my mom became concerned with how much I hated school and thought a temporary change in pace might help, so she pulled me out of fourth grade to homeschool me for a year instead.
Like my mother, other parents have turned to homeschooling their children, and the choice to homeschool has become increasingly popularin recent years (Williams, 2018). The National Household Education Survey has shown that parents homeschool for different reasons, including education styles, religious purposes, or moral character development (Montes, 2006; Ray, 2015). Other factors may be concern for long hours at school, bullies, and overcrowded classrooms.
However, with the COVID-19 pandemic, parents no longer had the luxury of choosing between public and home education with schools shutting down and classes moving online. Faced with this new reality, many parents have become more active in their children’s education to help their kids become lifelong learners.
For parents thrown into the new world of distance learning, the newness has been understandably overwhelming. Because I only had one year of homeschooling experience myself, I interviewed Jennifer Hunt, a working mom with two homeschooled kids, to gain perspective on the benefits and challenges of learning from home.
Jennifer started homeschooling her kids long before the COVID-19 outbreak, and for her, the decision to homeschool came from the needs of her children, especially her concerns about their small size and emotional sensitivities. Jennifer’s background as a schoolteacher helped her feel comfortable trying this new role of teaching at home. When she eventually went back to work, her husband took on the role of homeschooling the kids by using online programs. These decisions helped Jennifer’s family grow closer together and placed her children in an already familiar and comfortable learning environment.
While homeschooling and home-centered learning are certainly different, these words of advice for homeschooling parents can also apply to parents who are teaching from home and continuing educational experiences for their children in the summer months. Here Jennifer offers five pieces of advice to help parents feel more comfortable with home-based schooling:
1. “Learning from home and public school are different. You don’t need to replicate the school experience and school activities.” Experiment to find curriculum, activities, and a pace that maximizes your child’s learning of various subjects.
2. “If homeschool doesn’t work for you, you can change your mind. Your decision to teach from home or not isn’t permanent.” As in the case of COVID-19, teaching from home is not forever! However, if you like it, it is an option.
3. “You do not have to know everything before your kid learns it. You’ve been teaching your kids their entire lives already. If you taught them their colors, sang songs, read stories, and used crayons, you’re already a teaching parent, and you can learn along with them.”
4. “You’ll almost certainly gain confidence. It will likely feel weird at first, but home-teaching is new, and anything new has an adjustment period.” Greater confidence in your teaching skills will come over time.
5. “You can always ask for help. You’re not alone in this, and homeschooling parents love to share resources and ideas. Trust yourself— your family is your own.” Whether you seek resources from friends who homeschool or fellow parents doing home-based schooling, connections are always there!
Jennifer also noted five perks she’s found in learning together from home in her own experiences with homeschooling:
1. “Students can take longer breaks from academic subjects and come back to them later. For instance, our son was having a really hard time learning how to read words that were ‘ce’ words (like nice or face). We stopped practicing those reading lessons for a few weeks, and then came back to them later when he was ready.”
2. “You can extend learning to meet the child where they’re at. Sometimes children will be very advanced in a subject, and you can move them forward at a faster pace. Other times, they may be further behind and you can take things a little slower in order to solidify their learning.”
3. “You can follow your children’s interests and design a curriculum around them. For instance, if your child finds a fascination with polar bears, you can go in-depth using polar bears to teach various subjects.” Using an integrated curriculum, you can include polar bears in teaching math, science, and reading skills, for example.
4. “You can make small adjustments to their learning environment that make a big difference. One of our children needs headphones to concentrate and needs to sit on the floor. Another child needs to work very hard in the morning and then take a long physical break before getting back to academics.” Recognizing and accommodating learning styles and needs can help children advance in their studies.
5. “You can learn so much more in a shorter amount of time. You can connect their learning to everyday life more easily, especially through field trips and hands-on learning experiences. After academics, our kids also have time to learn to cook, build, explore, and spend more time in elective-type activities.”
After several years of homeschool, Jennifer’s kids tried public school for a year, but ultimately decided to return to homeschooling. As Jennifer put it: “Your kids change and their needs change. You can keep making the same educational decisions or you can switch.” This new home-centered learning has been an interesting experimental phase for parents to discover what types of teaching best help their children, and how their children respond to both public and home education.
For me, my “gap year” out of the system proved to be critical for my personal development and growth. After a year of learning at home, I had learned to self-regulate my emotions and was prepared to brave the school system again. My new personal resources and abilities led me to enjoy my public school experience again.
This sudden shift to home-based schooling has been jarring for many, but it may help your child in unexpected ways like it did for me. Take these sensitive decisions case by case, considering each individual child’s needs and developmental level. In that way, you’ll discover much in the process, like Jennifer did with her kids, and my mother did with me.
Take one of these quizzes to learn more about either your child’s learning style or your own learning style! Understanding how your child learns will help you to make more informed decisions about what learning settings may work best for them.
Montes, G. (2006). Do Parental Reasons to Homeschool Vary by Grade? Evidence from the National Household Education Survey, 2001. Home School Researcher, 16(4), 11-17. https://eric.ed.gov/?id=ED573485
Written by Ellyse Winward of the BYU School of Family Life and Chelom Leavitt, Ph.D.
Autopilot can creep into a fast-paced life. Sometimes we arrive at home and wonder exactly how we got there. Sometimes we even walk in, kiss our loved one hello, and end up in front of the TV before we realize it. Even when we are trying to be intentional, we may have demanding tasks, emails piling up, and deadlines to fill. We seem to have no time to slow down and go on a walk or spend time chatting. Although we have a desire for a close and vulnerable relationship, the connection with our partner seems to stay a bit stagnant.
Maybe this fast-paced life, sometimes lived on autopilot, is a practical response for desired “success” and we sense the pressure to fit our lives into the equation of doing more to achieve more. Unfortunately, success in our day is often measured in terms of better and faster, rather than quality of presence. To restore the magic and fan the spark in a romantic relationship, we need to slow down and be present.
This happens when we set aside our to-do list in order to simply talk with and listen to a spouse—when we choose to be mindful and focus more on the essence of being.
Mindfulness is an awareness of the present without analyzing the past or anticipating the future (Greater Good Science Center, 2020). In other words—it is the essence of being (Richardson, 2011).It includes aspects of self-awareness, non-judgment, and presence. It’s slowing down. Letting go of distractions. Looking within.
Choosing to slow down can be challenging, since many of us prefer doing to being. One study showed individuals would rather inflict shock to themselves than be alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes (Wilson, et al., 2014). That’s how uncomfortable being alone with our thoughts can be—some would rather be shocked than quietly meditate. Perhaps our rapidly advancing society is numbing us from personal and relational awareness (Wygant, 2013).As seen in the illustration below, however, we have a choice to be “mind full” or mindful.
So how exactly can one slow down? And what impact does it have on romantic relationships?
How Do I Slow Down?
Here are some ways to start slowing down:
Just breathe.
Breath is the center of a meditation practice. Our breath is constant, rhythmic, and relaxing. The breath can act like an anchorin the whirlwind of better and faster (Milliken, 2015). Imagine what would happen if we spent time with our partner just sitting and breathing together, noticing how the breath comes in and what it feels like when it goes out. Listening for how our breath aligns with our partner’s breath. Calm, connection, peace—that’s what this practice of just stopping to breathe can bring to the relationship (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010).
Practice being mindful in everyday moments.
Just like learning to play the piano or perfecting a family recipe, mindfulness improves with practice. Mindfulness is apractice, not a destination (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010). The little things in a romantic relationship can be a great start. We can increase awareness when our hand lightly brushes against theirs. We can pay attention when giving our partner a hello kiss. How does it feel to connect after being apart?
Choose to slow down and pay attention to details (Sommers, 2013). Be present with each other. Remain in a long hug in order to feel their steady breath. Take advantage of simple everyday events to strengthen the ability to be aware and to enjoy the moment. Practicing awareness with the little things allows greater capability for mindfulness and increased enjoyment during high-emotional relational events, such as sex.
Return to a calm state during moments of stress.
The state of being during relational interactions can be more difficult to create than during simple tasks, like brushing our teeth. Actually, heightened emotions are often what encourage us to divert our focus during an intimate moment with our partner (Kimmes, Jaurequi, May, Srivastava, & Fincham, 2018). Negative stresses take their toll and mindfulness can help at those moments. For example, rather than becoming instantly upset when our partner has overspent the monthly budget, we can breathe . . . calmly expressing feelings and seeking a solution together with both partners relaxed and regulated.
Mindfulness can draw focus to the present moment. The present contact. The present experience. Letting go of the long to-do list and demands from work and just staying in the current moment with our partner—that could change everything (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010).
Although mindfulness is something each partner engages in personally, it has a great impact on the relationship—both for each partner individually and for the couple as a whole. Here’s an amazing fact:Research shows one partner’s mindfulness can impact the relational satisfaction for both partners (Khaddouma, Gordon, & Strand, 2017)! Even though we can be mindful without partner buy-in, our partner will likely notice the change in us and may practice a more mindfulness approach to life as well (Leavitt, Lefkowitz, & Waterman, 2019).
And remember, this is a practice so keep trying even when distraction creeps in. It’s difficult to attune to one’s partner when thoughts stray beyond the present moment. Distraction comes in many forms, but however it happens, we can take positive action to shift thoughts.
One idea that may help to sidestep distraction during partner interactions is to embrace the moment and come home to ourself (Richardson, 2011).Re-center the breath, scan the body for tension, and find an inner connection in the body to anchor to. Choose to honor ourselves first. Diana Richardson shed light on this idea:
“When you honor yourself first, you stoke your own fire. You don’t depend on someone else to do it for you, and neither does your partner. The two individual fires join, they augment and enhance each other, and fueled by awareness, flames rise in splendid unison.” (Richardson, 2011)
Settling into our own body can bring a sense of self-empowerment. By doing so, we choose to be calm and redirect our awareness. Self-direction allows us to bring more to the relationship than simply relying on our partner to calm us (Schnarch, 2009).
A greater connection with one’s partner can be realized through these suggestions since practicing mindfulness shifts the whole approach to daily living (Sommers, 2013). One is less reactive and more calm. Less judgmental and more accepting. Experiencing fewer barriers and feeling more freedom and safety. All of this leads to a greater ability to be who we really are—and accept our partner as they really are (Pruitt, & McCollum, 2010). Might sound too good to be true, but it actually works.
Slowing down and shifting autopilot to awareness could be the next stepping stone on the path to a close and vulnerable relationship. So, start practicing mindfulness. Calm the mind. Calm the heart. Tune into the beautiful connections within the relationship.
Create a new essence of being for you and your relationship.
This week, choose one way to practice mindfulness in everyday moments.
Khaddouma, A., Gordon, K. C., & Strand, E. B. (2017). Mindful mates: A pilot study of the relational effects of mindfulness‐based stress reduction on participants and their partners. Family Process, 56, 636-651
Kimmes, J. G., Jaurequi, M. E., May, R. W., Srivastava, S., & Fincham, F. D. (2018). Mindfulness in the context of romantic relationships: Initial development and validation of the relationship mindfulness measure. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 44(4), 575.
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497–509. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680
Pruitt, I. T., & McCollum, E. E. (2010). Voices of experienced meditators: The impact of meditation practice on intimate relationships. Contemporary Family Therapy, 32, 135–154. https://doi.org/10.1007/ s10591-009-9112-8
Richardson, D. (2011). Slow sex: The path to fulfilling and sustainable sexuality. Merrimac, MA: Destiny Books.
Schnarch, D. (2009). Intimacy & desire: Awaken the passion in your relationship. New York, NY: Beaufort Books.
Sommers, F. G. (2013). Mindfulness in love and love making: A way of life. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 28, 84–91. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681994.2012.756976
Wilson, T. D., Reinhard, D. A., Westgate, E. C., Gilbert, D. T., Ellerbeck, N., Hahn, C., … Shaked, A. (2014). Just think: The challenges of the disengaged mind. US National Library of Medicine, 345(6192), 75–77. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1250830
Chelom Leavitt received her Ph.D. from Penn State. She studies healthy sexuality in committed relationships and focuses on how mindfulness during sex may be associated with positive outcomes for both men and women. Dr. Leavitt’s recent publications include cross-cultural work on sexual mindfulness, women’s sexual response cycles, and a study examining the role of orgasm in sexual and relational satisfaction for men and women.
Ellyse Winward is currently studying Elementary Education at BYU with a Family Life minor. In July 2019, she was introduced to the book Sexual Wholeness in Marriage by Drs. Busby, Carroll, and Leavitt which subsequently changed her life. Ellyse has developed a passion for learning and talking about healthy sexuality and mindfulness. She has loved learning from and working with Dr. Chelom Leavitt. Ellyse firmly believes mindfulness has the ability to better connect us with ourselves and the people around us and can really be a small thing that makes all the difference!
Write out your child’s daily routine. Find a way to incorporate a few minutes of any of the above activities into your day. Write it down and commit to including it in your day with minimal distractions.
Kjirsten Keetch is a pediatric Speech-Language Pathologist based in Utah County. She and her husband, James, have been married for 3 years, and they have one perfect little boy. Her job titles include full-time mom, cheer coach, owner of Sunrise Speech Therapy, and writer of the blog Teeny Talkers.
Haddie Todd Fry has lived in Washington, Colorado, and is currently living in Provo, Utah. Haddie is working on a degree in Family Life and Human Development. She works at a residential treatment center for autistic adolescents and enjoys learning about human relationships and behavior. Haddie is one of six children, and has been married to her husband Jacob for one year. Besides Jacob, her loves include her family, flowers, art, movies, sunshine, and rain.
Hillary Bowler Davis was born and raised in Riverton, Utah. After starting her career in writing and marketing, she took a leap of faith to study to become a therapist. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy and works as an associate therapist in the Salt Lake Valley with individuals, couples, and families. Hillary is passionate about personal growth and healthy relationships and gets most excited about digging into life’s hard questions. Her next big adventure is building a family with her husband.
Anna Mader is an undergraduate student from Houston, Texas is a Family Studies major at Brigham Young University.
Chelom Leavitt received her Ph.D. from Penn State. She studies healthy sexuality in committed relationships and focuses on how mindfulness during sex may be associated with positive outcomes for both men and women. Dr. Leavitt’s recent publications include cross-cultural work on sexual mindfulness, women’s sexual response cycles, and a study examining the role of orgasm in sexual and relational satisfaction for men and women.![IMG_2700_Original[1]](https://i0.wp.com/www.healthyhumansproject.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/IMG_2700_Original1.png?resize=152%2C152&ssl=1)
Ellyse Winward is currently studying Elementary Education at BYU with a Family Life minor. In July 2019, she was introduced to the book Sexual Wholeness in Marriage by Drs. Busby, Carroll, and Leavitt which subsequently changed her life. Ellyse has developed a passion for learning and talking about healthy sexuality and mindfulness. She has loved learning from and working with Dr. Chelom Leavitt. Ellyse firmly believes mindfulness has the ability to better connect us with ourselves and the people around us and can really be a small thing that makes all the difference!