In loving memory of Dr. Julie Haupt, who inspired me to let this piece become more than just words on a piece of paper— “…more than just an assignment”
“I want to ask him on a date, but I’m scared it will ruin our friendship.”
“I’m afraid she won’t like me if she actually gets to know me.”
“I’m afraid of getting hurt.”
What do these statements have in common? A hesitation to fully engage in relationships. As a single college student, I have noticed that most young adults lack the desire, courage, and trust needed to engage wholeheartedly in romantic relationships.
“I want to ask him on a date, but I’m scared it will ruin our friendship.”
About a year and a half ago, I asked someone out for the first time, and I was terrified.
Before then, I had always left it up to boys to ask me out. Doing so made me feel safe and helped me avoid scary situations with unknown outcomes. In this case, I had just met this cute boy, and was worried that asking him out might make things awkward between us.
After about an hour of pep talks from my roommates while I paced around the apartment, I finally called him. Much to my surprise, the world didn’t come crashing down. In fact, he was really excited about my date idea, and the date actually ended up being one of the best dates I had ever gone on! That date led to several more and, though we are no longer dating, we are still close friends.
An essential part of engaging in relationships is being “[willing] to expose yourself emotionally to another person despite being afraid and despite the risks” (Bruk et al., 2018). I experienced this as I asked my friend on that date. It felt risky to ask him out; we attended the same church meetings and had just recently become friends. However, the risk paid off; fully engaging in the relationship helped me develop a deep friendship with him, and we created many memories that I still treasure to this day.
People may avoid taking risks because they are afraid of the outcome (Brown, 2012). That used to be me, and in some ways it still is. However, when moments of fear of the outcome overwhelm me, I like to ask myself: Do I want to live my whole life wondering, “What if I’d just asked him on a date?” or “Why didn’t I tell him how I felt?”
When I change my perspective from what I’m losing to what I’m gaining, risks become much less intimidating. When we limit ourselves while pursuing relationships, we miss out on memories that make life so beautiful.
If I had avoided asking my friend out, I might have spent that Saturday night at my apartment passively watching a movie instead of creating memories that I still love to look back on.
“I’m afraid she won’t like me if she actually gets to know me.”
If after going on a few dates with someone you keep the relationship in a get-to-know-you stage rather than venturing into a deeper stage, you may miss out on opportunities to form more meaningful connections with someone, even if that connection isn’t romantic.
Researchers from the University of Mannheimhave found that, while we might think showing our vulnerabilities makes us look flawed, others find it quite alluring. This idea has been coined “the beautiful mess effect” (Bruk et al., 2018).
The beautiful mess effect suggests that we often view our own vulnerabilities in a negative light—the same vulnerabilities that others find captivating. Often, we believe that our own vulnerabilities make us appear ugly or broken, when in reality, our vulnerability might be just as beautiful as we perceive others’ vulnerability (Bruk et al., 2018).
While it’s important to let others see our true selves, we must be selective by only sharing our true selves with those who have the right to see us deeply (Brown, 2012). Being honest and vulnerable about ourselves to others does not mean we share every facet of our lives with everyone we meet or begin to date. Vulnerability comes through time and with trust, and we must gradually introduce vulnerability where appropriate.
Renowned vulnerability researcher Brené Brown invites us to “Let [yourself] be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen” (Brown, 2010). Your vulnerability—your beautiful mess—has a certain charm. Change the question from “do I deserve to be seen” to “do they deserve to see me” and let your beautiful “raw truth” be seen by those who deserve to discover it.
Often, people are scared to commit to a relationship because they are afraid of getting hurt (Apostolou et al., 2020; Bennet, 2019). This fear of rejection often stems from painful dating experiences in the past. Psychologist AnaJovanovic has explained that “being in a relationship means accepting that control is not entirely in your hands as both people have the responsibility of making the relationship work. This is especially hard for people who have been hurt in relationships before. Exposing yourself to the risk of going through the same or worse pain once more may seem unacceptable” (Bennet, 2019).
Although committing to a relationship can be scary, especially if we’ve been hurt in past relationships, we need to understand that loving with our whole hearts means committing (Touchton, 2020). There’s no guarantee we’ll avoid pain, even when we love and commit with our whole hearts (Brown, 2010). Vulnerability requires a leap of faith into the unknown, and—despite the risk of pain—researchers have found that commitment in relationships often leads to positive effects, such as feelings of security, relationship stability, and greater relationship satisfaction, which cannot be experienced without taking that leap (Weigel et al., 2015).
Yes, you might get hurt. Yes, the relationship might fail. But, vulnerability is worth it because it invites the opportunity to experience more genuine and intimate interaction not found for the emotionally closed off (Bruk et al., 2018). “Without commitment, you cannot have depth in anything” (Touchton, 2020).
Although vulnerability requires intentional effort, choosing to be vulnerable is the path to true connection. It’s the path to deeper, more meaningful relationships, and it’s the path to wholehearted living (Brown, 2010). Most, if not all, fulfilling relationships start off as someone taking a vulnerable leap; however, those in fulfilling relationships will all echo the same thing—the jump was, and is every day, so worth it.
Have you watched Brené Brown’s TEDx presentation, “The Power of Vulnerability“? Watch it this week, and think about how you can use these principles to strengthen a relationship in your life.
References
Apostolou, M., Jiaqing, O., & Esposito, G. (2020). Singles’ reasons for being single: Empirical evidence from an evolutionary perspective. Frontiers in psychology, 11. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.00746
Bruk, A., Scholl, S. G., & Bless, H. (2018). Beautiful mess effect: Self–other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(2), 192–205. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000120
Weigel, D. J., Davis, B. A., & Woodard, K. C. (2015). A two-sided coin: Mapping perceptions of the pros and cons of relationship commitment. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 32(3), 344-367. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407514533765
Annika Quick is from Holladay, Utah. She is studying family science at Brigham Young University, with plans to become a marriage and family therapist and a professor. Annika loves going to the beach, exercising, baking treats, going on adventures with her friends, and traveling and experiencing new cultures with her family.
Written by Kylee Marshall, Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist
Let’s reflect on the week, shall we? How many comments have you heard this week moralizing food? (“I’m so good, I just ate half of my meal.” “Ugh, I’m so bad for eating this, but it’s so good.” “Cheat day!”) How many comments have you heard this week about weight loss? How many comments have you heard about hunger/fullness (“I’m so hungry, I haven’t eaten all day.” “I ate way too much.” “I can’t believe she ate all that.”) If you’re like me, I often found myself surrounded by comments about body and food that I didn’t like, and at times even participating myself. What if I told you it didn’t have to be this way? What if I told you that research actually promotes a different, more peaceful way of relating to yourself and your food choices? In this article I’m going to share a few principles that will help you find more food and body freedom.
Your Body Isn’t the Problem.
So often people that have a rocky relationship with food and body work tirelessly to fix this by changing their bodies. People spend precious time, money, and mental/physical energy into shrinking, toning, morphing, shaping, etc. their bodies into something else. This makes sense; most people do this because they want to fit in and feel like they belong. Adjusting their body seems like it would be a way to get to this goal. However, not only is this not a very helpful goal in terms of getting to a place of peace with food and body, but changing one’s body doesn’t need to be the goal at all. This might sound too good to be true, but what if your body isn’t the problem? What if the way you THINK about your body is the problem? Stick with me here.
Many people hope that if they lose weight, their negative body image will be lost with it. However, studies on weight loss and mental health have concluded that calorie restriction can lead to unplanned side-effects that are damaging to mental health, such as mood swings, increase in preoccupation with food and hunger, anxiety, social isolation, and emotional deadening (Dirks & Leeuwenburgh, 2006; Stice, Burger, & Yokum, 2013). Even those who participated in plastic surgery as an unrealistic method of feeling better about themselves often fared worse in the long run (Honigman, Phillips, & Castle, 2004).
Instead of focusing on changing our bodies, it might be more important for us to work on our mental health. Eating disorders are highly correlated with mental health disorders. In fact, some studies show that as many as 97% of individuals with severe eating disorders have one or more co-occurring mental health conditions and around 66% of people with anorexia showed signs of anxiety several years before the start of their eating disorder (Tagay et al., 2014). Spending time with some of the mental health difficulties, emotional pain, and cognitive distortions that have contributed to the development of eating disorders and disordered eating patterns will be significantly more helpful for overall well-being than simply changing our bodies.
I would argue that losing weight or changing our bodies is our way of attempting to fix deeper issues such as a desire to fit in, be accepted and loved, and to feel good enough. However, I would suggest that we need less fixing and more healing. We don’t need to fix ourselves or our bodies, we need to heal our relationship with ourselves and our bodies. This is not always a quick fix, but the results and peace are much more long-lasting.
Have you watched a toddler eat? It is so fun to watch littles be presented with many options and move through them eating what tastes good at the time. They typically finish eating when full and do not know principles of restriction, so simply eat what their body is asking for. We are all born intuitive eaters! As we age, we disconnect more and more from our bodies as we learn what we “should” and “shouldn’t” take into our bodies, what food is “good” or “bad” and learn rules about when to eat, how much to eat, etc. In my field as an eating disorder therapist, I see so many people who are looking to outside sources for how to control their bodies better. However, I would make a radical suggestion that our bodies are wise and we can trust them. It is the factors in society that have disconnected us from our bodies that we need to combat! From toddlerhood to old age, our bodies have built in systems to help us feel our hunger and fullness, ask for nutritious food that we need, and move in ways that feel beneficial and energizing.
Becoming the expert on your own body means taking time to get to know and understand it. Dieting is unhelpful in this process because it moves you away from connection and towards an arbitrary set of rules. Research has found that 95% of dieters will regain their lost weight within five years (Grodstein et al., 1996; Neumark-Sztainer, Haines, Wall, & Eisenberg, 2007). There are many potential reasons as to why this is. One might be that our body fights hard to keep us safe and healthy, meaning that it is hard to ignore and pacify our body’s natural signals for more than a short period of time.
Instead of viewing your body as something to control and fix, try approaching your body and its signals with curiosity. My husband and I just had a conversation as I was writing this article about our day old Chip cookies on that counter. We talked about how sometimes we would walk by and eat a piece of cookie even though they were stale and hard just because they were there. This is a conditioned response to want cookies because they’re a “yummy treat” even though in that moment they were not so tasty. We can use this experience as information when making food-related decisions moving forward. I’ve also been on the opposite side of the spectrum, wanting to eat cookies but being governed by the idea that cookies are “bad,” and then getting very psychologically wrapped up in the cookie! Instead, if my body is asking for a cookie, perhaps I eat the cookie and move on. If my body is not asking for the stale, hard cookie on the counter, I can practice mindfulness and tap into my body’s signals and leave the cookie in its box. It’s not about food rules or dieting here, it’s about listening to my body and trusting what it is saying.
As you begin the journey of listening to your body, try adopting the mindset of “all foods fit.” All foods can be enjoyed when our bodies ask for them! Food is neutral and has no moral value and so we don’t need to avoid it unless it is actually harmful for our bodies because of disease or allergy. If we purposefully cut out or restrict certain types of food, our bodies and minds go into deprivation mode and the scarcity mentality kicks in, leaving us wanting those foods even more! This is why dieters are 12 times more likely to binge than non-dieters (Neumark-Sztainer, 2005). When we allow all foods to be a part of our daily eating patterns we are able to better tap into our body’s signals, free of shame. In fact, being more intuitive and allowing all foods to fit actually has been linked to less disordered eating, better body image, and greater emotional functioning (Bruce & Ricciardelli, 2016). What does it look like for all foods to fit for you? What foods do you have rules around? How can you listen to your body as you allow them to more fully “fit” into your lifestyle?
Woah, this is a lot of information! You might feel like you’re unsure how to apply some of these ideas. Start now by becoming the expert on your own body/food through one of the following:
If your eating patterns are disordered or you recognize eating disorder symptoms in your own life, seek some outside professional help. These issues are really painful and often difficult (and potentially dangerous) to manage on your own. You are not alone. Find a therapist trained in eating disorders and reach out for one-on-one assistance A helpful website to find those who are best suited to help with your specific case is PsychologyToday.com. Feel free to reach out to me directly as well and I’ll do my best to get you connected to the resources you need.
Allow all food to fit this week. Listen to your body. Does a burger sound good? Let’s do it. Are you feeling salad for lunch? Fabulous. Does pasta sound like it’ll really hit the spot? Let it hit the spot. Notice what your body asks for and honor it! Take note of how your body responds and what it asks for as your own personal research for becoming more in-tune with your body and its signals. Begin breaking away from the scarcity mentality. Let your body be the guide. Eat like a toddler this week.
Read Intuitive Eating by Elyse Resch and Evelyn Tribole or More Than a Body by Lexie Kite and Lindsay Kite
Pay attention to your thought patterns. Recognize and question your unhelpful thoughts about food and your body. Where did those thoughts come from? Are they true? Do they fit with your value system? Do they help promote your becoming the expert on your own body? Be mindful and remember that your thoughts are not always true!
Open up with someone you love about struggles you may have in these areas. See if you can work together to better your relationships with food and body.
Unfollow accounts on social media who do not promote healthy relationships with food and body; follow accounts who do. Here are some suggestions:
@diet.culture.rebel
@no.food.rules
@evelyntribole
@chr1styharrison
@balancehealthandhealing
@beauty_redefined
Choose one of the above applications to begin becoming an expert on your own body and developing a healthier relationship with food!
References
Tribole, E., & Resch, E. (2012). Intuitive eating. New York: St. Martin’s Griffin.
Kite, L., & Kite, L. (2021). More than a body: Your body is an instrument, not an ornament.
Tagay, S., Schlottbohm, E., Reyes-Rodriguez, M. L., Repic, N., & Senf, W. (2014). Eating disorders, trauma, PTSD, and psychosocial resources. Eating disorders, 22(1), 33-49.
Neumark-Sztainer, D. (2005). I’m, Like, SO Fat!.New York: Guilford.
Dirks AJ, Leeuwenburgh C. Caloric restriction in humans: potential pitfalls and health concerns. Mechanisms of ageing and development. 2006 Jan 1;127(1):1-7.
Stice, E., Burger, K., & Yokum, S. (2013). Caloric deprivation increases responsivity of attention and reward brain regions to intake, anticipated intake, and images of palatable foods. Neuroimage, 67, 322-330.
Honigman, Roberta J. B.Comm., B.Soc.Work., A.A.S.W.; Phillips, Katharine A. M.D.; Castle, David J. M.Sc., M.D., M.R.C.Psych., F.R.A.N..C.P.
Grodstein, F., Levine, R., Spencer, T., Colditz, G. A., &Stampfer, M. J. (1996). Three-year follow-up of participants in a commercial weight loss program: Can you keep it off? Archives of Internal Medicine 156(12), 1302.
Neumark-Sztainer D., Haines, J., Wall, M., & Eisenberg, M. ( 2007). Why does dieting predict weight gain in adolescents? Findings from project EAT-II: a 5-year longitudinal study. Journal of the American Dietetic Association, 107(3), 448-55
Kylee Marshall is a licensed associate marriage and family therapist at Balance Health and Healing in Lindon, UT where she primarily sees clients who struggle with eating disorders, body image issues, anxiety, relationships issues, and depression. She is also an adjunct faculty instructor at Brigham Young University in the School of Family Life. She was married last week and is enjoying life with her husband and mini-golden doodle pup, Frodo. She is passionate about floral and home design, ice cream, hand-lettering, lifting weights, social justice, acai bowls, and promotes healthy relationships with others, yourself, food, and body. She could also probably make you the world’s best chocolate chip cookie.
Written by Katrina Hill of Brigham Young University
Part of being human is experiencing a full range of emotions- from elation to discouragement to frustration. Another part of the human experience is facing our own flaws and the flaws of others. Because no one is perfect and everyone has feelings, sometimes we clash and sometimes we get hurt. This can happen in marriages as well, because of how much time spouses spend together and how many joint decisions they make. Flare-ups occur, and conversations can sometimes take an angry turn. But is this always negative? What is the role of anger in marriage and can it be used constructively?
To address this question, it’s helpful to understand that anger’s biological purpose is to protect the wellbeing of the individual feeling it—not only physically, but also their emotional and psychological wellbeing.In order to fulfill that purpose, anger alerts the individual that something is wrong or not ideal in the relationship, and that it needs to be addressed and corrected (Butler et al., 2017).
Resisting the Urge to Attack
Anger is biologically a hostile emotion, so the natural response when we feel anger is to attack our partner, who has hurt or offended us in some way, in order to defend ourselves (Butler et al., 2017). This tendency can be problematic. Though there are several characteristics in couples that can be associated with divorce, well-respected marriage researcher, John Gottman identified one that is particularly damaging: contempt. Contempt is an angry response that shows hostility, disrespect, and meanness towards one’s partner (Lisitsa, 2018).
Gottman (1993) also clarified that couples expressing anger itself did not necessarily predict the end of the relationship—in other words, getting mad is not nearly as harmful as being mean. However, when we are angry, we often end up being mean too. Even so, as unnatural as it may feel, if we want our relationships to thrive, it is important to learn to express our anger without the hostility and attacking.
What’s the big deal about expressing anger the right way? Even if couples are never extremely mean and contemptuous, consistent patterns of expressing anger negatively still affect marital happiness. Responding to negativity with more negativity (e.g., sarcasm), makes it harder for either partner stop to respond and to repair hurt feelings. Increased physiological arousal during conflict, including higher blood pressure and adrenaline hormone levels, has also resulted in increased marital unhappiness (Gottman, 1998). This means that more conflict-derived, anger-caused physiological stress leads to unhappier marriages.
Anger in its raw, unchecked form can ravage like a wildfire and leave destruction in its wake. In contrast, anger in its constructive form is like a flame from a candle— it can illuminate our inner, more vulnerable feelings and light the way to healing, empathy, accountability, and change. It is still fire, but it is very different from the kind of fire that can burn down all that we hold dear. This concept of constructive anger has been described as “. . .authenticity with kindness. . .affirmative and assertive, yet remarkably softened” (Meloy-Miller et al., 2018, p. 44).
When our partner angers us, we can choose to see it as an opportunity to firmly yet kindly express how we feel about what they did and what we’d like to see change. If feelings are heard and changes made, the expression of anger actually helps couples grow closer and improve as individuals (Butler et al., 2017). On the other hand, if a serious offense has occurred and the hurt partner does not express their feelings or invite the offending partner to be accountable—the relationship can stagnate.
In order to express constructive anger, we have to choose honesty over hostility. However, it is easy to fall into the trap of using honesty as an excuse to be mean and put our partner down (Fremont-Smith, 2020).We can easily say that we are being honest when we are being mean to our partner. That’s how we feel, isn’t it, so why not say it like it is?
In reality, honesty requires us to take a moment to cool down and identify what is going on deeper inside us (Fremont-Smith, 2020; Meneses & Greenberg, 2012).Why is there anger arising, or in other words, what more sensitive feelings are we instinctively trying to protect? Is a part of us feeling hurt, let down, embarrassed, sad, scared, lonely, unworthy or disrespected? Remember, anger is biologically designed to protect us (Butler et al., 2017), so it often arises to cocoon something vulnerable, like an animal instinctively protecting her young.Though it may feel difficult, identifying and expressing those vulnerable feelings to our partner is a key step in expressing anger in a constructive way.
We also have to be willing to let our partner know what they did to elicit the anger and other more vulnerable feelings. The goal of this step is to encourage accountability, not to blame, which leads to defensiveness (Meneses & Greenberg, 2012). It may be easier to lash out rather than to be open about our thoughts and feelings, but getting vicious in self-defense makes the situation worse (Gottman, 1998).
Work Together Towards Change
When we experience anger it often brings to light changes that need to be made in our relationship. Therefore, another key step is a request or invitation to our partner to change or to participate in discussing possible adjustments (Fremont-Smith, 2020). While compromise is the goal, sometimes our partner may not be willing to make changes, which can lead to major relational consequences depending on the seriousness of the issue (Butler et al., 2017). Even if this is the case, expressing constructive anger still helps us reduce rumination, stress, and desires to retaliate (Butler et al., 2017).
When we express constructive anger, it may be helpful to include affirmations of both our own and our partners’ worth. This helps both partners remember that they did not deserve to be hurt, and that their partner who hurt/offended them is a person of value who does not deserve to be belittled (Butler et al., 2017; Meloy-Miller et al, 2018).
Let’s take two examples. Imagine for a moment that you walk in on a couple in the middle of a heated argument:
“Do you even know how a budget works, or is our situation just a joke to you? I have been trying so hard to follow it, and then you come in and blow all it all on who knows what!”
“Yeah, blame me, because I’m the one who got into all that debt before we met! You know what, now you know exactly how I felt when I found that out!”
Now let’s hear an exchange about the same issue, but with the first partner expressing his or her anger constructively, incorporating the four key elements listed above.
“Hey, honey, I noticed today that you’ve been spending way more money than we agreed on. I’m pretty disappointed that you disregarded our budget, and I’m scared that if you do this more, we’ll go into more debt. I’m grateful for you in so many ways and I’m glad we’re in this together, however, I don’t deserve and frankly can’t handle being put through this kind of stress. Can we talk about what happened and how we can keep it from happening again?”
“Oh, yeah, about that. . . I thought it would be worth it at the time, but then I regretted it. I’ve been struggling emotionally the last several days. . . I guess that’s just what I did to cope. I’ve been too embarrassed to say anything. . . I’m sorry.”
The partner expressing anger has not in any way shied away from the fact that something is wrong and needs to be fixed, but they have refrained from being mean. In fact, they were kind. And now, not only are the financial issues being addressed, but the other partner’s needs can also be addressed, whereas otherwise they might not have been (Meneses & Greenberg, 2012).
Though we may often want to make it clear to our partner that we are upset at them by making jabs at them, a more effective approach is to plainly yet gently tell them how we feel and ask for change. Love may be a battlefield, but whether couples fight alongside or against each other depends in part on how they understand and express anger in their partnership.
Start small by focusing on the first step of identifying your anger. This week, in a time when you feel angry, pause, and say out loud, “I am angry right now.” Try to identify two other emotions that you are also feeling (because anger is more of a secondary emotion, it is likely that you are experiencing other “softer” feelings such as sadness or fear simultaneously). Then, take ten deep breaths. Practicing labeling your feelings will make it easier to express them to your partner.
References
Butler, M. H., Meloy-Miller, K. C., Seedall, R. B., & Dicus, J. L. (2017). Anger can help: A transactional model and three pathways of the experience and expression of anger. Family Process, 57(3), 817–835.https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12311
Meloy-Miller, K. C., Butler, M. H., Seedall, R. B., & Spencer, T. J. (2018). Anger can help: Clinical representation of three pathways of anger. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 46(1), 44–66. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2018.1428130
Meneses, C. W., & Greenberg, L. S. (2012). Interpersonal forgiveness in emotionfocused couples’ therapy: Relating process to outcome. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 40(1), 49–67 https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2012.00330.x
Katrina Hill is a senior at Brigham Young University studying Family Life. She is from Sacramento, California and loves being the older sister to her two awesome brothers. She loves music and has been playing the piano since she was six. She also loves learning, laughing, helping people, and trying to become better. After Katrina graduates from BYU in April, she hopes to pursue a masters degree in Social Work.
Has your partner ever done something that reminded you of a bad experience from a past relationship?
I can probably guess the rest of the story. You felt your nervous system kick in. You put your walls back up. Your partner got confused. You didn’t know how to talk about it. You both went to bed upset.
I know this story too.
We all have emotional baggage, whether it’s from our parents or romantic relationships. Negative experiences in past relationships can really mess us up.
Relationship researchers have a consensus that most people with negative past relationship experiences fear that they will never feel close enough to their new partner while simultaneously fearing getting too close in the same relationship.
How interesting is it that what we desire most (emotional closeness) we also fear the most?
This fear comes from those negative relationship experiences. In my interpretation, the fear of vulnerability is born of a broken heart.
We create core issues from negative relationship experiences. Core issues can be fears, insecurities, unhealthy expectations, assumptions, trauma, unmet needs, or betrayed values.
At the beginning of my relationship with my husband, we argued almost every day thanks to my fragile ego and his limited experience with healthy love. It took time for us to work through our core issues which, surprise surprise, had nothing to do with each other and everything to do with our own emotional baggage. All of our arguments were rooted in the fact that I had a laundry list of insecurities shaped by my past and my husband kept getting triggered by his relationship trauma.
So if you’re feeling fragile, you’re not alone. Let’s talk about what we can do with that heavy baggage you’re carrying.
5 Tips to Not Let Past Relationships Affect New Ones
Realistically, unresolved wounds from past relationships just take time to heal. We can’t make them disappear at the snap of our fingers, but here’s how we can get started:
1. Acknowledge your contribution to failed relationships
Be curious about the past. There are two sides to every story. Recognize your past toxic behaviors.
What behaviors of yours seem to be a pattern in your relationships?
What things did you do in your past relationships that you don’t want to repeat?
Become an observer. Objectively, was your partner’s behavior mean-spirited?
What behavior or comment specifically started up your nervous system?
How can you process this trigger in a healthier way?
3. Get to your core issues
Reflect on your trigger. Was it shaped from a past relationship?
Reflect on your pain. Why did it hurt so much?
Reflect on your resentment. Which of your values did their/your behavior go against?
Reflect on your fear. What are you really afraid of?
Therapy is an awesome tool for this. Therapists can teach you the right questions to ask yourself and guide you down a path of self-awareness and self-reflection.
4. Learn what a healthy relationship can look like
We consciously and subconsciously allow our past relationships to shape our expectations for new ones. We start accepting unhealthy behaviors or we start expecting perfection from ourselves and our partner. We can combat this by:
Regularly seeking out relationship education opportunities
Research shows that couples who learn healthy relationship expectations and skills are less likely to divorce and have higher marital satisfaction
Regularly challenge your expectations. Are they healthy? Are they realistic?
Ask yourself, “What kind of love do my partner and I deserve?”
Very important! Your partner should not be your replacement for a therapist. If you feel like you’re putting that pressure on your partner, see a therapist!
These tips can change the trajectory of your relationship. Here’s how:
A conversation without using one of the 5 tips
Your partner walks in the room and becomes “overly loving” with you, in your definition. They’re complimenting you, hugging and kissing you. Your first thought is, “What are they keeping from me?”. You suddenly feel sad, hurt, and even angry. You push your partner away and roll your eyes.
They ask you what’s wrong. You don’t know what to say, you just feel overwhelmed. Instead you say “Is there something you want to tell me?”. They say, “No, why?”. You don’t believe them, and it’s downhill from there.
But here’s how it would go using tips 2 and 4:
Your partner walks in the room and tells you that you look amazing. They give you a hug and kiss. You think, “I feel like they’re keeping something from me”, but you don’t react to the thought. You smile and say thanks.
They turn on the TV and you start thinking “Why did I get skeptical when my partner was being loving toward me? Have they given me a reason to mistrust them? No. Is there an experience from my past that has given me a reason to mistrust someone who shows me love? Yes, but I’m not in that relationship anymore. I’m safe. In healthy relationships, partners are loving toward each other. That was normal behavior. I’m safe.”
I know, this makes it look easy. It’s not as simple when it’s you! Healthy partners challenge their beliefs and own up to their unhealthy behaviors.
But you can do this. You know how I know? You read this far, and that means you care.
Healthy relationships aren’t perfect, they’re just committed to creating healthy love, just like you. Challenge your beliefs, own up to your unhealthy behaviors, and confront those relationship wounds head on.
This week, write in your journal when you react to a trigger. Write down what triggered you, how it made you feel, what past experience(s) may have formed this trigger, and brainstorm healthier ways you can respond next time it comes up.
References
American Psychological Association. (2004, October 8). Marital Education Programs Help Keep Couples Together. Retrieved December 15, 2020, from https://www.apa.org/research/action/marital
Camilla Rees is the founder of The Love Brain blog and podcast and a program director for the non-profit organization, the Utah Marriage Commission. After earning a degree in Marriage and Family Relationships from BYU, Camilla has committed herself to providing meaningful knowledge about healthy relationships to as many couples as she can possibly reach. Camilla lives in Utah and enjoys spending time with her husband, Sabe, baby girl, Janie, and little dog, Bowie.
In both my practice, and in my research, I have found that a woman’s negative body image is a big disrupter of sexual enjoyment and responsiveness. According to marriage researcher, John Gottman, in the Western world by the time a woman is 60 years old, she will have viewed nearly 6 million media messages that describe ideal feminine beauty. There is also a lot of research that has proven the negative impact of these idealized female images, resulting in a woman’s struggle with the relationship she has with their body. Particularly when it is associated with sexual expression.
There is empirical evidence that a woman’s overall self-esteem and confidence is tied closely to way she feels about her body. Therefore, her sexual desire, initiation attempts, and relational satisfaction is directly related to her body image. When a woman feels confident about her body, she initiates more sex, enjoys sex more fully, and is more satisfied with her relationship. Conversely, when a woman has a poor body image, she is less confident sexually, initiates sex less frequently, and overall feels less sexual and relational satisfaction. So, the question is, does a woman’ body image impact her marriage!? The answer is a resounding, “Yes!”
There are two aspects of body image and sexual satisfaction in women. First, the way she thinks of her body. Secondly, what she believes her partner thinks about her body. Personally, as a therapist, no matter how beautiful or fit she is, I have yet to meet a woman who feels totally happy about her body. And, importantly, I have yet to counsel with a couple where the husband has been dissatisfied with his wife’s body. This fact should give women a few important messages.
When he tells you that you are beautiful and that he likes your curves, he’s being honest. He wants you to feel his love and acceptance when you are together, both in and out of the bedroom. I find it fascinating that universally the one sexual experience a husband is most aroused by is the ability to please his wife. It is not your breast size, not the shape of your butt, not the length of your legs that is most arousing to him, it is giving you sexual pleasure.
This is a mantra I share with clients and students…and even use myself. The brain is the largest sex organ. If you are not being mindful or living in the moment, you will not be sexually responsive to your partner’s touch. Passion begins in the mind. A woman’s brain and body must work together when it comes to making love. So, I suggest you forget about the dishes, laundry, tomorrow’s meeting, or that article you need to finish…and bring your head to bed with you!
Learn how your body responds sexually.
Frequently a woman is not experiencing orgasm because she doesn’t understand how her body works sexually. Give yourself some private time, or if you prefer invite your husband, to touch yourself for sexual discovery. As you learn what feels good, share that knowledge with your husband. Eventually together you can both participate in fulfilling, pleasurable sexual experiences.
Stop the negative ruminations about your body. Tell yourself the truth, you are beautiful. You are designed to experience a sexual fullness of joy as you both give and receive pleasure. I believe that sharing in this deepest part of yourself allows for bonding to occur in three ways: your body and your spirit connect fully to one another, you and your partner bond together, and your marriage relationship can connect more fully with God.
In conclusion, I believe I can safely say that a woman’s desire is largely dependent on her feeling desirable. Because it takes two to create a marriage, this summation can be helpful for both women and men:
For Women: Do all that you can to like yourself more. Spend time doing things that create energy and happiness in your season of life. All of us are in different stages of the life cycle, look at your stage and practically make decisions regarding how you will invest in your health and happiness. (For example, if you are a mother with young children, it might not be the best stage of life to return to graduate school.) Write truths about yourself and your body, then use these truths to combat negative self-talk that can sabotage your progress. Strive to eat healthy, drink plenty of water, get sunshine and exercise, and do what you can in your life stage to have adequate sleep. All of these things will help your mood, generate positive energy, and add an overarching sense of self-confidence and control. The way you choose to care for yourself will directly correlate with your overall feeling of sexual satisfaction and happiness.
For Men: The sea in which your wife has been swimming since birth has clearly given her the message that she needs to be desirable. Beware that few things hurt a woman more than criticism of the way she looks. Your wife will feel more beautiful if she knows that you only have eyes for her. Let her know that she is beautiful just the way she is, give sincere compliments, show her your love in ways that matter to her. In your sphere of influence, do all that you can to change the message that a woman’s value is connected to her attractiveness. Recognize that for a woman to feel confident sharing her sexuality, both her mind and heart need to feel secure with the relationship. How you choose to care for your wife’s happiness will directly correlate with your sexual and relational satisfaction. Research shows that taking time to invest in connecting emotionally with your wife is what ensures your health and longevity. Actually, a great marriage relationship is the best form of self-interest!
Choose one way to intentionally improve your relationship with your body this week.
References
Meltzer, A. L., & McNulty, J. K. (2010). Body image and marital satisfaction: evidence for the mediating role of sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 24(2), 156-164. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0019063
Schnarch, D. M. (1997). Passionate marriage: Love, sex, and intimacy in emotionally committed relationships. WW Norton & Company.
Gottman, J., Gottman, J.S. (2016). The Man’s Guide to Women. Rodale.
Watson, L. J. (2018, December 20), Is body image affecting your sex life? Psychology Today.
Tammy Hill is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and sex therapist. She also teaches marriage and sexuality courses for Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life. Tammy enjoys hiking, playing pickle ball, painting, quilting and spending time with her large family. Learn more about Tammy by visiting her website at https://www.tammyhill.com/.
Have you watched Brené Brown’s TEDx presentation, “The Power of Vulnerability“? Watch it this week, and think about how you can use these principles to strengthen a relationship in your life.
Annika Quick is from Holladay, Utah. She is studying family science at Brigham Young University, with plans to become a marriage and family therapist and a professor. Annika loves going to the beach, exercising, baking treats, going on adventures with her friends, and traveling and experiencing new cultures with her family.
Kylee Marshall is a licensed associate marriage and family therapist at Balance Health and Healing in Lindon, UT where she primarily sees clients who struggle with eating disorders, body image issues, anxiety, relationships issues, and depression. She is also an adjunct faculty instructor at Brigham Young University in the School of Family Life. She was married last week and is enjoying life with her husband and mini-golden doodle pup, Frodo. She is passionate about floral and home design, ice cream, hand-lettering, lifting weights, social justice, acai bowls, and promotes healthy relationships with others, yourself, food, and body. She could also probably make you the world’s best chocolate chip cookie. 
Camilla Rees is the founder of The Love Brain blog and podcast and a program director for the non-profit organization, the Utah Marriage Commission. After earning a degree in Marriage and Family Relationships from BYU, Camilla has committed herself to providing meaningful knowledge about healthy relationships to as many couples as she can possibly reach. Camilla lives in Utah and enjoys spending time with her husband, Sabe, baby girl, Janie, and little dog, Bowie.
Tammy Hill is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and sex therapist. She also teaches marriage and sexuality courses for Brigham Young University’s School of Family Life. Tammy enjoys hiking, playing pickle ball, painting, quilting and spending time with her large family. Learn more about Tammy by visiting her website at