I made the daring choice to ignore the dismal box office numbers and went to see Dear Evan Hansen in the theater a few months ago. Despite harsh reviews, I found the production to be moving and I appreciated the complexity of the portrayed relationships. Evan’s mom, a single mother trying to provide for her family, made continual attempts to try to talk with and show her love for Evan, most of which were met with the typical cold-shouldered, short-answer responses one could expect from a teenager. Evan’s character is depicted as a high schooler facing intense mental health issues, the suicide of a peer, positives and negatives of social media, and other struggles with fitting in. The challenges he faces impeccably illustrate the myriad of difficulties that face modern teenagers in high school. The movie demonstrates that now more than ever, it’s important for parents to be involved in their teenagers’ lives. But how can parents be a part of their teens’ lives when their teens shut down in the same way Evan does when his mother tries to connect with him? Here are 5 things you can practice when connecting and communicating with your teen.
Have you ever felt helpless trying to get your child to open up to you? Or maybe you’re all too familiar with the defeat that follows a well-intentioned question shot down by your teen.
Dr. Siggie Cohen, a child development specialist who shares parenting tips on social media, made a video about common short-answer child-parent exchanges (it’s not just you!)
Dr. Cohen reminds her audience that children spend their entire day learning, working, and experiencing new things at school (2021). She recommends helping your child to “break down their big experience in a more detailed and balanced way” by asking specific questions (Cohen, 2021).
Instead of asking your teenagers general questions about their day when they come home, try asking specific questions like, “What did you have for lunch today?” or “Did your quirky science teacher say anything funny in class?” This approach can help your teens open up and give you more information about their day.
Sometimes asking questions in general is too much for our teens. Having other ways to connect with children can be helpful to check-in with them emotionally.
Find Your “Taco Tuesday”.
In one scene of the movie, Evan’s mother fails to connect with Evan until she invites him to do “Taco Tuesday” with her. Evan’s face lights up and he responds more genuinely to his mom’s attempts to connect than he previously had. While no background is given, it’s discernable to viewers that Taco Tuesday has been an enjoyable and connective tradition between the two of them in the past.
When words are failing, you might try finding ways to simply spend time with your teen to connect with them. Many child-therapists and counselors recommend using art as a way for children to feel comfortable enough to share about their difficulties (Patterson & Hayne, 2011). While your teenagers might cringe if you ask them to sit down and paint with you (unless painting is their thing), you might be able to engage in other art-related interests of your teens such as visiting an art museum, decorating cookies, or trying out a new art trend featured on TikTok.
In addition, you might try spending time doing other things your teen enjoys. For instance, recent research is supporting joint media engagement — where parents participate in video games, watching a show, or scrolling through social media with their child. Joint media engagement can increase family connectedness (Padilla-Walker et al., 2012).
For many parents, the thought of trying to understand how to play Fortnite or watch the latest Avengers series on DisneyPlus might feel like a waste of time. However, setting aside time to be with your child, fully engaged in something they enjoy, can go further than you may imagine. Spend time doing things your teens enjoy to create space for easier transition topics that your teens want to talk about or that you want to discuss with your teens. Doing so will create shared experiences and increase the vulnerability and connection in your relationship.
Connection can also be built by being intentionally involved in your child’s schoolwork and activities. However, keep in mind that teenagers seek independence, and too much involvement can create division between parent and child. The sweet spot is when a parent can encourage their teen to work through difficult homework problems, offer help when the teen doesn’t understand, and promote developmental learning instead of fixed learning (Berkowitz et al., 2017).
A developmental learning mindset is the idea that knowledge is acquired and not a natural talent. Help your teens to see that they can learn hard things with comments such as “you’ve worked hard to understand this concept” and avoiding comments such as “you’re so smart.” This approach can strengthen your connection and help build your teen’s confidence.
You might find built-in opportunities to strengthen connection with your teens through routines that already exist or are easy to start. In my early teens, my parents introduced a new dinner ritual, inventively named “good and bad.” The game, as simple as the title, consisted of every person at the table sharing one good thing and one bad thing that happened in their lives during the day. Or, if you were in an especially sour phase of life as I was at 13, sharing two “bads” was an acceptable way to participate. This ritual allowed my parents a glimpse into how my siblings and I were faring emotionally, regardless of our desire to talk in depth with them.
While connecting with your teenagers may often feel like an impossible task, you can rely on the traditions and rituals you already have. Holidays, birthdays, and other special celebrations can provide opportunities for connection with your teenager that differ from the day-to-day connections that your teens are less receptive to. These events can bring up nostalgic, positive memories your teens remember, and open the gate to new memories being made. Asking your teens what they love most about these traditions and being sure to incorporate them will help your teens to feel that their opinions matter and recognize your love and care in a special way.
When It Doesn’t Work, Try Again.
On the days, weeks, and even years where you feel you just cannot get your teen to connect with you, don’t give up hope. Remember to ask specific questions, engage in things they enjoy, show your teens support while honoring their independence, and connect over rituals and traditions. In the movie, when Evan was at a breaking point, his mother was there. She assured him she would always be there when he needed her. (She expressed this through song, which isn’t necessarily required to get the point across, but points for style!) While teens may do everything in their power to distance themselves from you, when push comes to shove, they will know they can count on you. Keep trying; your efforts mean more to them than you know.
This week, think about a ritual of connection that you’d like to incorporate into your daily parenting routine. No matter what age your kids are, these rituals can help you get connected and create a culture of safety and openness in your home!
References
Berkowitz, T., Schaeffer, C. S., Rozek, S., Beilock, S. L., & Levine, S. C. (2017). The parent connection. Psychologist, 30(9), 28-32.
Padilla‐Walker, L. M., Coyne, S. M., & Fraser, A. M. (2012). Getting a high‐speed family connection: Associations between family media use and family connection. Family Relations, 61(3), 426-440.
Siggie Cohen [@dr.siggie]. (2021, September 1). Who can relate? You pick up your child from school eager to hear how their day went. You excitedly [Video]. Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/p/CTSuTUmhNva/
Lyndsey Kunzler is from Centerville, Utah and is a senior at BYU studying family studies. She looks forward to pursuing a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and doing further research on body image. She considers herself to be an “extroverted introvert”, a lover of artichokes, and passionate about finding new ways to create and deepen relationships.”
Opinion Piece Written by Leslie Campos of Well Parents with Introduction by Rian Gordon
Because of today’s highly divisive and antagonistic socio-political climate, it is more important now than ever that our children learn how to engage in their communities in a positive and healing way. One possibility for this is through service and community volunteering. Volunteering is associated with a wide variety of benefits for both individuals and communities. These benefits include higher levels of empathy, emotional regulation, and moral reasoning (Metzger et al., 2018), and a collective sense of belonging (Gray & Stevenson, 2020). Furthermore, research suggests that parents play an important role in young people’s volunteering habits since children learn civic engagement and responsibility from their parents (White, 2021). Because of this, I was thrilled when Leslie reached out to me with these suggestions for family volunteering opportunities. I invite you to consider her suggestions as well as brainstorm with your family how you can use your unique perspectives, talents, and skills to get involved in making this world and your community a better place!
Do Good Together
Giving back is better when you do it together. Whether it’s banding together with neighbors to clean up litter or recruiting friends for a charity 5K, there’s something special about building community while improving the community. Positive leadership requires a commitment to optimism and the ability to collaborate with others.
My favorite way to get involved is to do it as a family. Seeing the pride in a child’s face when he knows he’s made a difference is nothing short of magical, and it’s a great way to reinforce the values you hold as a family.
Photo by Migs Reyes from Pexels
Since many organizations only accept volunteers age 16 and older, it can be challenging to find charitable work your whole family can get involved in. Rather than hunting for organizations that can accommodate you, why not create your own volunteer opportunities? Here are a few ideas I love.
If you live in anything but the tiniest of towns, there’s a good chance there are people living without homes right in your community. While we tend to have a lot of assumptions about why people are homeless, one thing is indisputable: People without homes are living much harder lives than we are.
Your family can make a difference in the lives of homeless community members by distributing care packages. Stock care packages with items that are highly portable, like socks, bandaids, baby wipes, a toothbrush, feminine hygiene products, and trail mix. It’s best to avoid mouthwash or hand sanitizer that contains alcohol.
2. Plant a Row for the Hungry
It’s common for backyard gardeners to end up with more produce than they can eat. Giving the excess to neighbors is a friendly gesture, but you can make a bigger impact by planting an entire garden row for food-insecure community members.
Before you start planning your garden, call your local food pantry to make sure they can accept donated food. Then, all you have to do is plant and tend your garden until harvest time and bring your haul to the donation site! Your kids will love learning about fresh fruits and vegetables, and you’ll know your hard work helped other families put a healthy dinner on their table.
3. Donate Your Excess
Are your kids’ closets bursting at the seams with toys they haven’t touched in months? What about your own closet or the garage and attic? Most of us hold onto belongings thinking we’ll use them some day, but that clutter could be doing good somewhere else.
Donating your lightly used items to charity is a great way to make a difference and declutter your home at the same time. Get your kids involved by asking them to collect toys, books, and clothes they no longer use, and do the same in your storage areas. Rather than dropping things off at the closest thrift store, some of which might be for-profit stores, consider donating to a domestic violence shelter or a thrift store owned and operated by a nonprofit.
4. Host a Pet Food Drive
Most kids adore pets, but unfortunately, animal shelters typically only accept adult volunteers due to the risks of working with animals. But just because you can’t volunteer at the shelter doesn’t mean you and your kids can’t make a difference for pets in need.
Help your kids organize a pet food drive for a local animal shelter or pet food pantry. Local pet stores are great sites for a one-day drive; the store benefits from increased business, and donors have a convenient way to contribute. While a manned booth is the best way to generate excitement, you can also solicit donations by placing collection bins at your church, community center, school, or office. Check out these tips from Best Friends Animal Society for more advice on organizing a pet food drive.
While making a difference is a worthy cause, that’s not the only reason to volunteer as a family. Getting involved in charitable work as a family is also a great way to instill strong values in your children. And as busy as we all are, taking the time to lead by example is always worthwhile.
Sit down with your family and brainstorm together ways that you can volunteer in your community. Write down a list of needs in your community. Then write down a list of your individual and family strengths. How can your strengths help meet the needs of your community? Make a plan to serve together!
References
Gray, D., & Stevenson, C. (2020). How can “we” help? Exploring the role of shared social identity in the experiences and benefits of volunteering. Journal of Community & Applied Social Psychology, 30(4), 341–353. https://doi.org/10.1002/casp.2448
Metzger, A., Alvis, L.M., Oosterhoff, B., Babskie, E., Syvertsen, A., & Wray-Lake, L. (2018). The intersection of emotional and sociocognitive competencies with civic engagement in middle childhood and adolescence. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 47, 1663–1683. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-018-0842-5
White, E. S. (2021). Parent values, civic participation, and children’s volunteering. Children and Youth Services Review, 127, 106115–. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.childyouth.2021.106115
A busy mom herself, Leslie Campos has dedicated her site Wellparents.com to all the moms and dads out there searching for ideas on being physically and emotionally well. She loves to practice yoga, CrossFit and watch The Great British Baking show when not working or running her children to various after school activities.
The term “emerging adult” has taken on many names from “extended adolescence” to “delayed adulthood” to “those confused 20-somethings.” Correct terminology aside, all of these titles refer to the same group of 18- to 29-year-olds that seems to be caught between the dependency of adolescence and the independence of adulthood.
Emerging adulthood, as a stage of development, is relatively new in the realm of social science and has been the subject of many research studies. All of these studies have sought to answer one question: how can we better understand the experiences of emerging adults and help in the transition to adulthood?
The Myths of Emerging Adulthood
Jeffrey Arnett, the researcher who coined the term “emerging adulthood,” has described emerging adulthood as the age of identity exploration, instability, self-focus, and possibility (Arnett, 2021). These characteristics have given rise to many negative stereotypes around this stage of life, including the idea that emerging adults are selfish, depressed, and quick to participate in risky behaviors.
While these stereotypes may have some truth to them, Arnett argues that they have been blown way out of proportion. In fact, much of the behavior of emerging adults can be attributed to the “combination of changing social norms, shifting economic conditions, and advancing technology” (Schwartz, 2013).
For example, changing social norms have perpetuated the stereotype of selfishness. While the norm several generations ago was to settle into a career and a romantic relationship soon after graduating high school, today, a more competitive job market has pushed many young adults to pursue higher levels of education in order to compete for high-paying and satisfying jobs (Schwartz, 2013). This extended period of time pursuing higher education, combined with recent economic changes, has caused many emerging adults to refrain from settling down until they have secured a stable source of income. Thus, many emerging adults adopt independent lifestyles that are sometimes seen as self-gratifying.
Likewise, the stereotypes of depression and risky behaviors are fueled by the stress and instability that emerging adults face due to the competitive job market and growing social and educational expectations (Goldsmith, 2018).
How to Help and Support an Emerging Adult
For a generation of parents who were held to a very different set of expectations in their 20s, this new stage of development can be just as confusing for them as it is for their emerging adult. Jennifer Tanner, a social scientist whose research focuses on better understanding the transition to adulthood, said, “The problem is that we know how to steer emerging adults to get a ‘good’ job . . . and have a ‘good’ family. But we’re not so good at knowing how to help emerging adults explore and find themselves” (2010).
Tanner explains that no emerging adult is the same: Each one will require a different combination of support and motivation during this time of instability (2010). However, discovering this combination is often easier said than done. To provide a starting point, below is a list of things that parents can practice in order to foster a healthy relationship with their emerging adult:
Help your emerging adult balance dependence with independence. Whether your emerging adult lives away from home or in your basement, they should be treated like, well, an adult. Even if you provide them with some financial support, setting boundaries and expectations for them to live up to, while also respecting their privacy and having faith in their ability to handle their own lives, will help them gradually transition into a state of complete independence (Alongi & Wolf, 2019).
Be careful not to “jiggle the habitat.” Marriage and Family Therapist, Stephenie Lievense compared caring for emerging adults to caring for newly transformed butterflies (2013). She explains that although butterflies emerge from their cocoons with beautiful wings, they are not necessarily ready for flight right away. Those who care for butterflies must refrain from “jiggling the habitat” because doing so could further harm the butterfly.
Similarly, bombarding an emerging adult with questions or unsolicited advice could cause them more anxiety than motivation. While it can be difficult to simply sit back and watch your emerging adult make their own decisions in life, it is necessary if you wish to teach them how to gain their own footing.
Maintain open communication. The only way to understand the complexity of an emerging adult is to establish an open, accepting, and honest line of communication (Goldsmith, 2018).This type of communication seeks to voice your concerns when necessary, but your emerging adult should also be able to ask for distance or support as they need it.
Model a healthy lifestyle. Your emerging adult needs to see what a healthy lifestyle looks like in order to create their own (Alongi & Wolf, 2019).They need to be reassured that the best is yet to come and that having to struggle and ask for help is often healthy. One of the best ways to do this, in a manner that still respects their space and experiences, is through your example.
Take care of yourself. Be open about when you face hardships, and share resources that helped you overcome them. Be someone who your emerging adult can relate to, and it may motivate them to model their own lives after yours.
Following these principles can help you maintain a good relationship with your emerging adult and can provide them with more stability during an otherwise very unstable time. One of the healthiest things an emerging adult can receive during this period of development is the reassurance that they are valued and respected and that you have faith in their ability to build the life that is best for them.
If you are a parent of an emerging adult, consider how you can practice principles taught in this article. Perhaps work on establishing or strengthening open, accepting, and honest communication with your emerging adult, or consider how you can be healthier in your own life, to better model a healthy lifestyle.
Livy Andrus is from Ogden, Utah. She is currently a senior studying Family Life at Brigham Young University. She enjoys researching and writing about building healthy relationships within the family, and hopes to make this her life’s work. When she is not writing, she loves watching movies, traveling, reading, and doing anything creative.
I sat in a church pew next to my husband. A familiar hymn played in the background, and I heard my husband’s sweet tenor voice join the rest of the congregation. I was overcome with a sense of gratitude that we shared the same faith. We grew up singing the same sacred songs and reading the same sacred scriptures. Sharing the same faith-based practices and background helps us to connect on a deeper level and build a stronger relationship.
When couples engage in faith-based practices together, positive results tend to emerge. According to W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, “Religion generally fosters more happiness, greater stability, and a deeper sense of meaning in American family life, provided that family members – especially spouses – share a common faith” (Wilcox, 2017).
Faith-based practices like praying as a couple and attending church are not only beneficial to one’s personal spirituality, but they may also lead to a stronger foundation with your partner. This stronger foundation can fortify marriage against life’s inevitable storms, providing additional resources to overcome challenges together.
Praying Together
While there are many benefits associated with individual prayer, there are also benefits that come from praying with your partner. According to a studyconducted by the American Psychological Association, partner-focused petitionary prayer is often associated with increased commitment in romantic relationships (Fincham, 2013). Praying together tends to help couples feel bonded on a spiritual level and can help each partner be more dedicated to making the marriage flourish.
Praying with or for your partner is associated with higher levels of selfless love, which leads to a greater willingness to forgive (Lambert et al., 2009). In turn, a greater willingness to forgive can help marital disputes to be resolved more quickly. In a studyconducted by Florida State University, researchers developed a series of three studies examining how prayer and relational trust were correlated (Lambert et al., 2011). The study found that praying with and for a partner was related to higher levels of trust and unity within the relationship. It has also been shown that praying with a partner can lead to decreased likelihood of infidelity and greater levels of relationship satisfaction (Partrick, 2017). Couples who pray together, it seems, are in fact better equipped to stay together.
The same might be said about attending church. Researchconducted by W. Bradford Wilcox examined the role of couples’ church attendance and its effects on overall marital satisfaction (Wilcox, 2017). The results showed that couples are more likely to report higher levels of marital happiness when both partners are attending church compared to couples where neither partner attends church. This trend can be seen across several racial demographics including black, white, and Latino couples.
One of the benefits of attending church together is that it allows couples to engage in a shared spiritual experience. The shared experience of going to church with my husband continuously helps us to strengthen the spiritual aspect of our relationship together. Not only do we engage in religious practice as a couple, we also engage with other members of our religious community. Research suggests that “couples who attend church together enjoy significantly happier relationships . . . because they socialize with friends who share their faith and especially because they pray with one another” (Wilcox, 2017). Friends and members of the faith community can also act as a support for the couple when they face challenges in life or in their marriage. This extended support system may increase happiness within marriage and be another positive outcome of attending church together.
While we may value having religious texts within our home, we may not readily recognize the marital benefits of reading religious texts with our spouse. According to the American Families of Faith project, which researched the role that religion played in the lives of individuals, couples, and families, many couples of various religions rely on religious texts as if they were “self-help” books (Marks & Dollahite, 2016). This can be beneficial when we, along with our spouse, seek answers to the challenges we face on a regular basis. We may experience added comfort and assistance, especially when faced with conflicts.
When we experience conflicts within our marriages, we can turn to our faith practices in order to find comfort. According to a studyconcerning spiritual intimacy, “[G]reater spiritual intimacy offers couples a spiritual resource to motivate them to remain kind and resist the urge to ‘go negative’ when they discuss their core conflicts” (Briggs, 2014). The religious aspect of marriages can have tremendous power to provide a broader perspective when conflicts arise, possibly allowing the disagreement to come to a resolution sooner.
Continuing to develop a spiritual foundation has also been shown to increase feelings of calm and hopefulness which may help each partner be more optimistic, altruistic, and forgiving. Participating in shared religiosity provides us with more resources from which we can draw upon (Briggs, 2014). For example, a couple may pause a fight in order to pray together which could have a significant influence on how the argument is resolved and how the couple feels about each other after the issue is solved (Dallas, 2017). Ultimately, a shared religious foundation has the potential to help marriages endure the challenges of life.
Although we can all find areas to improve upon within the spiritual aspects of our lives, it is important to notice the fruits of our religion-focused labors. As we continually build upon a spiritual foundation with our spouses, we can feel a sense of hopefulness as we take a step back and recognize the tremendous blessings that come into our marriages as we engage in faith-based practices.
Choose a faith-based practice to focus on with your partner this week. Make it a priority together.
Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R., (2013). I say a little prayer for you: Praying for partner increases commitment in romantic relationships. Journal of Family Psychology,28(5), 587-593.https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034999
Lambert, N. M., Fincham, F. D., LaValee, D. C., & Brantley, C. W., (2011). Praying together and staying together: Couple prayer and trust. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 4(1), 1-9. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0023060
Lambert N. M., Fincham F. D., Stillman T. F., Graham S. M., & Beach S. R., (2009). Motivating change in relationships: Can prayer increase forgiveness? Psychological Science, 21(1), 126-32. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797609355634
Sarah Watt graduates from Brigham Young University this year with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies. She also has an associate degree in paralegal studies from the University of Alaska Fairbanks and plans to start law school next year. She was born and raised in Alaska but loves the warm and sunny weather of Utah. She married her best friend, Jace, last year and they love hiking, camping, and adventuring together.
Written by Natalie Burgess, Brigham Young University
My memories of growing up with my mom are marked with happiness mingled with unforgettable pain. Due to her struggles with Borderline Personality Disorder, my mom seemed to operate on a revolving door—she was the kindest person one day, and the scariest the next. I often felt as if I was walking on eggshells, fearing her next outburst of anger, manipulation, and screaming. This wild mix of highs and lows felt like whiplash and largely shaped my childhood (Rizvi & Najam, 2017).
Eventually, I discovered that her actions were partially due to a mental illness and not just her unique personality. However, I found that many of my peers with similar experiences diagnosed their parents as “toxic” (Oyler, 2018)—or contaminating others by their destructive behaviors—rather than mentally ill.
While our society is becoming increasingly aware of mental health issues, other voices support a new trend that encourages individuals to make greater efforts to “self-protect” their happiness. Some individuals do this by recognizing (Morgan, 2020) which of their relationships are unhealthy and dumping them in hopes of something or someone better—or at least putting off investing (LeFebvre & Carmack, 2020) in close relationships once they have determined that a relationship may not be what they want it to be.
However, “You can divorce an abusive spouse. You can call it quits if your lover mistreats you. But what can you do if the source of your misery is your own parent?” (Friedman, 2009)
After consulting my therapist, he told me, “There is another option. If you want to keep your relationship with your mom, you need to set boundaries with her. You set the rules as well as the consequences for not keeping them—and you must stick to them.”
He introduced me to some communication methods, one of which is known by the acronym DEAR MAN (Richard et al., 2013):
D: Describe what you want
E: Express your feelings about the situation
A: Assert yourself by asking for what you want
R: Reinforce or reward the person by explaining the potential rewards of complying *this is also a good place to list consequences for not following your request
M: Stay Mindful—do not get distracted by their arguments or defensiveness
A: Appear confident and try to take yourself seriously, avoid stammering, and staring at the floor
N: Negotiate and compromise what you can without ignoring your needs
As I practiced this skill with my therapist, I realized that this type of conversation would require some bravery and may not initially elicit a positive response from my mother. I decided to call her on the phone, so I could leave the situation if I needed to, as well as have the ability to have notes with me that I could reference and that could keep me focused and give me something to say. Here is an example of how I used DEAR MAN:
Application
“I want to be spoken to respectfully. I feel hurt and angry when you yell at me and call me names. I need you to not yell at me or call me names. If you do this, our relationship can improve, and we can spend more time together like you have said you would like to. If you do not do this, I will not speak with you until you can speak respectfully. (If at this point the other person begins to argue or place blame on you, do not argue or defend yourself, but calmly redirect the conversation back to what you were saying.) Can you do that? What can I do to help with this?”
My therapist also recommended having my husband on the phone call with me in order to support me, back me up, and refocus me as needed. For others, this may look like discussing the situation with a roommate or friend to receive encouragement and validation for your experience afterwards.
In the following weeks, I began to incorporate DEAR MAN into interactions with my mom. At first, she was upset and offended, but I firmly stood my ground. I realized that without the support of my husband, it would have been easy to doubt if what I was choosing to do was the right move.
As I practiced this new skill with my mom, I began to recognize that much of her behavior was due to her fear of abandonment and loneliness—not out of a pure desire to make my life difficult. Understanding the depth of pain behind her own actions helped me to develop more empathy for her. Eventually, I started to see positive changes in my relationship with my mother.
Although our relationship is not perfect and I occasionally still have to remind her of my boundaries, I have been able to work on my own healing and no longer feel that I must walk on eggshells and fear her reactions. I recognize that there are relationships that truly do need to end (Friedman, 2009); however, the decision to cut ties (Carr et al., 2017) should not be taken lightly in families, nor should one do so without searching for outside resources such as therapy for help. Creating a healthier relationship may take repeated efforts to see improvement or there may not be change at all—but at least you will know that you gave it your best effort.
I am grateful that I found a way to purge my relationship of toxicity—not by ending my relationship with my mom—but by learning how to improve it. As a result, I am able to stay in contact with my mother and my daughter is able to know a grandmother she would not have otherwise.
Consider ways you can “self-protect” your happiness, including setting appropriate boundaries in relationships that may be considered “toxic.” Follow Natalie’s example by writing out your feelings, observations, and perhaps a script using the DEAR MAN format noted above. You don’t need to implement those boundaries right away, but processing these thoughts and ideas will lay the foundation for future conversations.
References
Carr, K., Holman, A., Abetz, J., Kellas, J. K., & Vagnoni, E. (2015). Giving voice to the silence of family estrangement: Comparing reasons of estranged parents and adult children in a nonmatched sample. Journal of Family Communication, 15(2), 130–140. https://doi.org/10.1080/15267431.2015.1013106
LeFebvre, L. E., & Carmack, H. J. (2020). Catching feelings: Exploring commitment (un)readiness in emerging adulthood. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(1), 143–162. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519857472
Ricard, R. J., Lerma, E., & Heard, C. C. C. (2013). Piloting a dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) Infused skills group in a disciplinary alternative education program (DAEP). The Journal for Specialists in Group Work, 38(4), 285-306. https://doi.org/10.1080/01933922.2013.834402
Rizvi, S. F. I., & Najam, N. (2017). Unseen wounds: Understanding the emotional and behavioral correlates of psychological abuse in adolescents. Pakistan Journal of Psychological Research, 32(2), 525–543.
Natalie Burgess grew up in a blended family in Round Rock, TX and served a mission for her church for 18 months in Seattle Washington. Natalie and her husband, Ryan, have been married for two years and enjoy traveling, catching up on sleep, reading books together, annoying their cat, and playing with their daughter, Lindsey. Natalie is currently a senior at Brigham Young University studying human development and will attend graduate school in the coming year to pursue a degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development.
This week, think about a ritual of connection that you’d like to incorporate into your daily parenting routine. No matter what age your kids are, these rituals can help you get connected and create a culture of safety and openness in your home!
Lyndsey Kunzler is from Centerville, Utah and is a senior at BYU studying family studies. She looks forward to pursuing a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and doing further research on body image. She considers herself to be an “extroverted introvert”, a lover of artichokes, and passionate about finding new ways to create and deepen relationships.”
Livy Andrus is from Ogden, Utah. She is currently a senior studying Family Life at Brigham Young University. She enjoys researching and writing about building healthy relationships within the family, and hopes to make this her life’s work. When she is not writing, she loves watching movies, traveling, reading, and doing anything creative.
Sarah Watt graduates from Brigham Young University this year with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies. She also has an associate degree in paralegal studies from the University of Alaska Fairbanks and plans to start law school next year. She was born and raised in Alaska but loves the warm and sunny weather of Utah. She married her best friend, Jace, last year and they love hiking, camping, and adventuring together.
Natalie Burgess grew up in a blended family in Round Rock, TX and served a mission for her church for 18 months in Seattle Washington. Natalie and her husband, Ryan, have been married for two years and enjoy traveling, catching up on sleep, reading books together, annoying their cat, and playing with their daughter, Lindsey. Natalie is currently a senior at Brigham Young University studying human development and will attend graduate school in the coming year to pursue a degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development.