How does the occurrence of a negative stressful event affect commitment in marriage? Will it tear marriages apart? Or increase levels of loyalty? Luckily, there is no definite answer to those questions. In fact, the outcome of your marriage is completely determined by the actions of you and your partner. This may sound obvious at first, but that answer may be less easy to find when you are embracing the unexpected together.
Several couples experience significant losses in their marriage. It could be the loss of a job, family member, finances, a house, etc. Today, I want to address a particular type of loss that is all too common and surprisingly undiscussed: Miscarriages, stillborn babies, and pregnancy failure. Today, 15% to 20% of pregnancies unfortunately result in one of these categories of loss (Hiefner et al., 2021).
Not only does the unexpected loss of a child affect parent’s physical and emotional well-being, but it also can add monumental amounts of stress on a couple’s relationship. Regardless of if a couple experiences a sudden loss of a child, between 43% and 46% of marriages are predicted to end in separation (Shreffler et al., 2012). So, what can we do to preserve our marriages when we find ourselves in such a tragedy?
Try to understand each other. Let your spouse grieve the way they need to.
Naturally, men and women have differences. Therefore, they have individual perspectives, feelings, experiences, and needs – especially surrounding pregnancy loss. On average, women tend to experience more grief than their spouses, and it lasts for a longer period of time as well (Thomas & Striegel, 1995, McDonald et al, 2022). This could be because the mother develops a stronger sense of attachment to the baby from physical pregnancy changes and feeling the baby move occasionally (Avelin et al., 2013). Because of this, the mother could experience more feelings of pain, depression, guilt, or even more amounts of anger than their partner does (Alderman, et al., 1998).
As fathers are also facing feelings of depression and grief for their lost baby, they often feel pressure to be the “strong one” and “hold it together” for their partners, which could increase stress and miscommunication (Thomas & Striegel, 1995). In addition, not only do we know that mothers and fathers grieve differently in general, they also are known to express their grief and coping strategies in different ways. Most women tend to seek social support from friends, family, or even the community, while fathers often hold in their grief and avoid using any outward coping strategies (Hiefner et al, 2021).
Navigating through differences in grief has the potential to threaten marriage and increase feelings of loneliness (Avelin et al., 2013). But the good news is, it also provides various opportunities to grow closer together as a couple! In a recent survey from The CREATE Project including over 3,000 individuals across the United States, those who reported a pregnancy loss also report feeling more committed to their spouse. Comparing these results to different studies, it has been found that as couples respect each other’s grieving styles and seek to understand one another’s feelings, the negative event of a loss was transformed into a positive growing experience for the couple (Cacciatore et al., 2008).
Among the participants from The CREATE Project, as the couples coped with the loss of their child, they also reported having less communication. This decrease in communication can lead to frequent misunderstanding and conflicts (Alderman et al.,1998). The perfect way to avoid unnecessary stress while coping with such a loss is to engage in communication specifically about one another’s feelings and needs.
As mentioned before, mothers and fathers will grieve differently because of the different ways that they perceived the loss. In a study of 121 women who had experienced a pregnancy loss in the last six months, there was a general trend that the mothers felt that their partners were less “emotionally connected” to the loss, or that they “just didn’t understand” what they were feeling. Because of this, the women in the study resulted in feeling alone in their grief as they tried to cope with the recent loss (Black, R. B., 1992).
The problem with this is, that the mothers in the study could never know if their partners actually felt that way, unless they had specifically talked about it. It is impossible to know exactly what a person is feeling based on their actions (even though that would be really nice!). In fact, the way we express our feelings is different from ways others will, and that is okay! The more we communicate about how we view each other’s feelings, the more unity we will feel in our relationships. Going back to the couples in the study, as they communicated their feelings clearly, they reported that they felt more satisfaction in their relationship and made clear communication an enduring practice in their marriage (Black, R. B., 1992).
As couples face losses in their relationship, each individual will respond in different ways. As humans we are not perfect, and that is why as we cope with loss our communication or understanding will decrease. But this is normal! When you and your partner seem to find yourself in the stress of any type of loss, remember to seek understanding from each other and talk about it. These things sound simple, but you may be surprised by how much good it can do for you and your relationship.
Not sure where to start? Here are a couple of activities that you can do to help you seek understanding and improve your communication skills in your relationships!
Talk about your feelings using “I” statements (i.e. “I feel lonely”)
Watch your non-verbal communications that may send the wrong message (eye rolling, not maintaining eye contact, being on your phone, etc.)
Put away distractions while communicating (phones, earbuds, television)
Ask each other open ended questions (i.e. “Why do you feel lonely?”)
When responding to each other, paraphrase what your partner just said to ensure that you understand (i.e. “Okay, what I am getting is that you feel lonely because I work too much. Is that what you meant?”)
References
Alderman, L., Chisholm, J., Denmark, F., & Salbod, S. (1998). Bereavement and Stress of a Miscarriage: As it Affects the Couple. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 37(4), 317–327. https://doi.org/10.2190/DQNQ-PFAM-7V00-52F3
Avelin, P., Rådestad, I., Säflund, K., Wredling, R., & Erlandsson, K. (2013). Parental grief and relationships after the loss of a stillborn baby. Midwifery, 29(6), 668-673. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.midw.2012.06.007
Cacciatore, J., DeFrain, J., Jones, K. L. C., & Jones, H. (2008). Stillbirth and the couple: A gender-based exploration. Null, 11(4), 351-372. https://doi.org/10.1080/10522150802451667
Hiefner, A. R. (2021). Dyadic coping and couple resilience after miscarriage. Family Relations, 70(1), 59-76. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12475
Hutti, M. H., Armstrong, D. S., Myers, J. A., & Hall, L. A. (2015). Grief intensity, psychological Well‐Being, and the intimate partner relationship in the subsequent pregnancy after a perinatal loss. Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic & Neonatal Nursing, 44(1), 42-50. https://doi.org/https://doi.org/10.1111/1552-6909.12539
McDonald, S. A., Dasch-Yee, K., & Grigg, J. (2022). Relationship outcomes following involuntary pregnancy loss: The role of perceived incongruent grief. Illness, Crisis, & Loss, 30(2), 146-156. https://doi.org/10.1177/1054137319885254
Shreffler, K., Hill, P., & Cacciatore, J. (2012). Exploring the increased odds of divorce following miscarriage or stillbirth. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 53(2), 91-107. https://doi.org/10.1080/10502556.2012.651963
Thomas, V., & Striegel, P. (1995). Stress and Grief of a Perinatal Loss: Integrating Qualitative and Quantitative Methods. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 30(4), 299–311. https://doi.org/10.2190/X0E4-536U-6YWP-CPYL
Anna Smith is from Bountiful, Utah and is currently a Junior at Brigham Young University. She is studying Family Services and plans to become a Licensed Social Worker. Anna loves to spend time with others, and is passionate about helping individuals and families achieve stability and happiness.
“What are you going to do if you meet someone while you’re in Hawaii?” asked my friend, just a couple days before I left to live there for four months. “You still have over a year left of school in Utah. What would you do?”
When my friend asked me this, I honestly had no answer. I brushed the question off and didn’t think too much about it until two months later, when I met a cute boy at a beach bonfire. We were drawn to each other from the moment we met. Talking to him was so natural, and I loved spending my time with him. A few weeks after meeting we started dating, unsure what we’d do once I left home for Utah in a couple of months.
When I left Hawaii, we thought it would be best to break up since we had no idea when we’d see each other again and since we’d only been dating for about two months. But after ending things, we couldn’t seem to stop talking. We were confused about the distance and it felt nearly impossible to see how we could make things work. This confusion and connection led us to break up and get back together a couple of times before finally deciding to be “all in,” despite the distance.
Jumping forward in time, the cute boy is now my cute husband, and we now have many months of being in a long-distance relationship under our belt, including a couple of weeks at the beginning of our marriage.
Before my husband and I started dating remotely, I wasn’t aware of the complexities that dating from afar could entail. Whatever the type of romantic distance dating relationship you’re in — whether it be with a boyfriend/girlfriend, a fiancé, or a husband/wife — dating from afar can bring several added challenges to your lives together. However, these challenges don’t mean the relationship needs to end.
Some might wonder, “Is virtual dating really that different from in-person dating now that we can have face-to-face conversations over the phone?” while others might feel the exact opposite, believing that long-distance is too risky and just isn’t worth it.
Research and my own experiences have taught me that dating from a distance can make things more challenging (Tower, 2016). However, strong relationships can grow and be nurtured from afar, just like they can be up close.
Long-distance relationships pose unique challenges. For example, the lack of physical touch can be difficult for couples. Physical touch helps cultivate an intense bond in romantic relationships (Chatel-Goldman et al., 2014) and transmits “a sense of being accepted and cared for” (The Family Institute at Northwestern University, 2018), so a lack of physical touch can take a toll on any relationship – even a strong one.
Dating remotely can also cause increased logistical challenges due to living in different time zones (Tower, 2016). I found that my husband and I had to be very intentional about setting aside time to spend with one another, or else it would easily become swallowed up in commitments to other things and people.
Time differences can also require sacrifices; couples might need to change their normal schedule in order to make time for their partner, and they might miss out on social events back home. There are also costs associated with visiting each other (Tower, 2016), and these costs can add up quickly.
But distance doesn’t mean you have to feel emotionally distant from your love.
While there are struggles that can occur in long-distance relationships, they tend to lead back to the root of the problem: difficulty staying connected (Beckmeyer et al., 2021). There is no easy solution to time zones, a lack of physical touch, or the other problems that might occur due to the distance. However, when we focus on deepening our emotional relationship with our partner, we’ll find that there are ways we can stay connected to our partner, despite the miles between us.
If you’re anything like me, it can be easy to fall into a routine of doing the same things over FaceTime each night. Switch things up and make it fun!
One way to keep things fun and to stay connected is to take turns planning creative date nights. The Gottman Institute has found that one of the main reasons a marriage ends is because of a loss of intimacy and connection (Couples Training Institute, n.d.). Since research also shows that people may feel a difficulty staying connected to their partner when they see each other less often (Beckmeyer et al., 2021), it’s important to find ways to stay connected in your relationship so the ocean between you doesn’t make it easy for you to drift apart. Psychology Today teaches us that “regular date nights are one of the best ways to help prevent the ‘silent drift apart’ over time” that can occur between partners (Leyba, 2016).
If you’re having a hard time coming up with date night ideas, you can visitthis website for ways to keep date night intentional and playful andthis website for creative remote date night ideas.
Another way to keep things fun is to plan thoughtful surprises for each other. Some of my favorites are:
Have a friend who lives near your significant other drop off their favorite treat or something they’ve been craving
Send them snail mail. Make it feel like you’re with them by spraying it with their favorite perfume/cologne of yours
Text them a poem you’ve written to read first thing in the morning after waking
Daily rituals are an important part of any romantic relationship. As an article from The Gottman Institute teaches, rituals help us nurture the positive side of our relationship and help us avoid taking our relationship for granted (McFadden, 2017).
“Daily rituals keep the sense of connection strong in [relationships] and assure that romance, affection, and appreciation are a part of your [relationship] every day.” (McFadden, 2017).
The Gottman Institute teaches about three different rituals that prevent us from taking each other for granted: reunion rituals, times of undistracted communication, and appreciation rituals. While the article focuses on in-person relationships, these rituals, once slightly adjusted, can have a positive impact on long-distance couples as well.
For example, even when we are apart, my husband and I make sure we end each day with an appreciation ritual. We take time to share something we noticed that day that we appreciate in the other person. This ritual helped us feel connected while we were living apart and still does now that we are together.
Dating remotely requires a lot of intentional effort, just like any serious relationship does. Although virtual dating has challenges unique to the distance, researchers have found that geographically distant and close relationships have similar levels of happiness and commitment (Beckmeyer et al., 2021). When you are apart, find ways to connect, whether by having more fun, creating rituals, or something else. Being intentional about connecting with your significant other will help close the gap that separates you and your love, just like it has for me.
Beckmeyer, J. J., Herbenick, D., Eastman-Mueller, H. (2021). Long-distance romantic relationships among college students: Prevalence, correlates, and dynamics in campus probability survey. Journal of American College Health, 1-5.https://doi.org/10.1080/07448481.2021.1978464
Chatel-Goldman, J., Congedo, M., Jutten, C., & Schwartz, J. L. (2014). Touch increases autonomic coupling between romantic partners. Frontiers in behavioral neuroscience, 8, 95.https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2014.00095
Firmin, M. W., Firmin, R. L., Lorenzen, K. (2014). A qualitative analysis of loneliness dynamics involved with college long-distance relationships. College Student Journal, 48(1), 57-71.
Annika Finley is from Holladay, Utah. She has a degree in Family Science from Brigham Young University, and is currently working on grad school applications. She and her husband live in Hawaii and love paddle boarding, exercising, and learning about the beautiful Hawaiian culture. Annika loves spending time with her family and always looks forward to traveling and experiencing new cultures with them. She has a passion for helping others and for being a healing influence in the world.
There’s a scene in the first Harry Potter movie in which Harry is flying on a broomstick through a cloud of winged keys, desperately trying to find the one that unlocks the door in front of him. If he doesn’t find the right key, then he fails in saving the sorcerer’s stone from falling into the wrong hands, thus allowing the evil Lord Voldemort to return to his full wizarding powers (Columbus, 2001).
While we don’t have the fate of the wizarding world resting on our shoulders, we do have our own keys to look for, like finding the key to a successful marriage. Pretty much everyone echoes the same thing: COMMUNICATION IS KEY. If you want a good marriage, then just learn to communicate effectively! Simple as that.
But, let me tell you something: you’re chasing after the wrong key.
Don’t get me wrong, a lot of issues could be sorted out if people just followed suggested communicationtechniques (Lisitsa, 2013) during tough conversations like the following:
However, no matter how perfectly you stick to these healthy strategies, sometimes your spouse just doesn’t respond in kind. In these instances, the issue may be disconnect, not communication. In his bestseller on marital relationships, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, marriage researcher John Gottman says, “fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance”— not merely communication (Gottman & Silver, 1999, p. 69).
Again, don’t misunderstand— communication is important, and Gottman acknowledges as much. But, before you can resolve marital conflict through communication techniques, it’s important to lay down a foundation of love.
How do you build love, especially when you sometimes don’t even like your spouse, let alone love them? Take a time out from the constant negotiation and try connecting through love maps, attunement, dating, and even sex.
Love Maps and Dreams: Reintroduce Yourselves
In his years of marital research, Gottman noticed that many couples get so wrapped up in life’s routines that they lose track of the details of each other’s lives. He suggests bringing each other up to speed by sitting down and asking each other questions: What is your favorite TV show right now? Who is your best friend at work? What is something I do that makes you feel loved? Gottman suggests making a game out of it, like playing 20 Questions.
If love maps help you understand your spouse’s topographical blueprint, then the next step is discussing the dreams that lie like buried treasure on your love maps. According to Gottman, 69% of all problems in a relationship are “unsolvable,” meaning they’re manifestations of deeply held beliefs— flags on the map that alert you on where to dig for buried dreams.
For example, fighting about whose set of parents to visit over the holidays may have deeper dreams hidden. Perhaps you fear that visiting your in-laws too often will prevent your children from getting to know both sets of grandparents equally. In contrast, your spouse may feel like you haven’t fully integrated into their family of origin and have a wall up, a “your family” versus “my family” mentality instead of embracing that you are all one family now.
These differences in belief— the boundary of wanting to split time equally versus the belief that you’re all one family now— aren’t bad. They’re just different. Discover these deeperdreams and seek to connect by understanding what your spouse values without judging them (Northrup, 2020).
Attune and Turn Towards: Making Bids for Attention
Emotional attunement, or turning towards each other, is another way to connect. When you focus on your partner, you start to notice cues that suggest your partner wants you to pay attention to them. Whether it’s a sigh that tells you they might want help with the dishes or reaching for your hand during a movie, take those intimate moments to turn towards them and accept their bids for attention. Take a time-out from technology as well, so you don’t miss those important cues.
If you’re fighting because your partner always seems to miss your bids for emotional connection, try two things: Notice your spouse’s bids first and respond positively to them. Your love and attention may influence them to respond in kind over time. You can also try being more direct in your bids for attention. If your spouse missed your sidelong glance, speak up. Try saying “Honey, my shoulders are a bit tight. Could you please massage them for five minutes?”
Go on Dates: Remember your Friendship and Nurture Fondness
In his book Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness, professor Dr. Blaine Fowers extols friendship as one of the key virtues needed to have a successful marriage (Fowers, 2000). Dating is a great way to restore friendship because it reminds you of your initial attraction and courtship. If you can still fondly recall the start of your romance, then you have a foundation of love to work with!
If you’re struggling to find something to talk about other than the kids, work, or your marital problems, then discuss the activity itself. Ask your spouse for help in painting a more realistic tree. Comment on the ducks you’re feeding by the pond. Point out Orion’s Belt as you’re stargazing. Gradually, you can move on to other topics, like reminiscing over how you first met, laughing over inside jokes, or sharing things you appreciate about each other (Brittle, 2015).
If money is the issue you constantly argue about, then find afree or cheap date activity (Snell, 2017). If a lack of time for each other is the argument trigger, start by finding just ONE hour or ONE evening that you both have free. Establish a pattern of more regular dates from there. If you can never agree on an activity, create a jar where you keep slips of paper with date ideas scribbled on them. Take turns drawing an idea from the jar. When the jar picks for you, neither spouse can be mad or feel like they’re always “giving in” to the other, thus helping you avoid more arguing.
Have Sex: Keep the Romance Alive
Having sex releasesoxytocin, the bonding hormone, which is a great way to connect with your spouse (Psychology Today, 2009). While marital conflict outside of the bedroom can cause dwindling affection within, the reverse can also be true. Having a healthy sex life can improve communication and conflict resolution as you both feel loved and desired by each other. If you’ve been practicing attuning to each other like Gottman suggests, your sex life should improve as you notice your spouse’s bids for attention. Additionally, knowing each other through love maps and dreams can also create an emotional safe space for physical intimacy.
In connecting through sex, make sure to prioritize your sex life. Tammy Hill, a licensed marriage and family therapist, suggests booking two nights at a hotel for a getaway. Having two nights away instead of just one to “get it right” eases up performance pressure and helps you focus on enjoying your time together (T. Hill, personal communication, March 2020).
Sometimes sex itself is a source of marital conflict as couples struggle to get on the same page about frequency, technique, initiation, or refusal. If you’re stuck on low sexual frequency (Mark, 2021) or knowing how to initiate, Tammy suggests simply making out with each other. Not focusing on and stressing about whether you’ll have sex can create a more relaxed environment where you end up moving into sex anyway.
When you feel ready to openly communicate about sex with your spouse, invest in books that will aid you in these discussions— what works, what doesn’t, agreed upon cues to initiate or refuse, etc. (Hill, 2020). If there is less ambiguity, there will be less misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Tammy suggests the following books: Sheet Music by Kevin Leman, And They Were Not Ashamed by Laura Brotherson, and The Act of Marriage by Beverly and Tim LeHaye.
Once the foundation of mutual love and trust is re-established, you can revisit your conflicts and use good communication techniques to open a dialogue instead of an argument. Communication IS important, but it goes nowhere if one or both of you are feeling so disconnected that you may not even want to fix the problems you’re fighting about. Connection is the key that lets communication in through the door to save your marriage.
Invest in mutual love in your relationship this week! Consider going on a date, talking about your dreams for the future (individual and couple), making love, or being intentional about responding positively to one another’s emotional bids.
Anna Mader is a recent graduate of Brigham Young University, where she majored in family studies. She is currently living and working in Texas. Besides writing, she enjoys visiting museums and painting.
Years ago, my then four-year-old stood on the small rock wall that divides our backyard from a golf cart path, happily singing a song. As a cart full of golfers drove past, he continued to sing his rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game,” complete with exaggerated vibrato. He didn’t hesitate in his singing and beyond that, he stared these golfers straight in the face as they progressed down the path. My husband, who was in the yard pulling weeds at the time, turned to me and joked that only a four-year-old has the confidence to keep singing while looking a stranger directly in the eye.
We’ve laughed about that moment ever since because of the sweet, unashamed nature of a child who is so comfortable with himself and so oblivious to the potential judgements of others. He’s just completely authentic. I don’t know about you, but singing for a group of strangers in a golf cart is not high on my list of desired activities. Not even if I was a good singer.
Somewhere between our preschool years and adulthood, we seem to lose confidence with who we are, and we begin to fear what other people will think of us. What’s sad about this (other than missed opportunities to hear each other loudly singing things like “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”) is that when we lose our comfort with who we are, when we stop being authentic, our ability to truly connect with other people is limited. Let’s look at why that is and how to combat it so that you can develop the intimate connections with others that make life so sweet.
What is Authenticity and Why Does It Matter?
Authenticity is described as being yourself. It involves knowing who you are and feeling good about yourself paired with a willingness to see yourself clearly—weakness and all (Kernis & Goldman, 2008). Being authentic means letting other people really see you and know you, even though that means they will see the stuff that you struggle with.
It probably isn’t surprising that being authentic usually means more positive feelings about yourself (Neff & Harter, 2002), better mental health (Anderson & Williams, 1985), more happiness in your romantic relationships (Lopez & Rice, 2006) and even finding more meaning in your life (Schlegel & Hicks, 2011). It feels good to be you and to love and accept the real you.
Another major bonus of authenticity is that being the real you fosters connection. Think about a time when you’ve felt really connected to another human. What was happening in that moment? What made it connective?
One of the highlights of my week is my Friday night date with my husband. The poor guy gets to listen to me talk and talk for hours while we get dinner. (He promises he doesn’t mind the number of words that flow out of my mouth during those evenings together.) I love talking with him and sharing our ideas, challenges, feelings, and thoughts from the week, partly because I know he loves me, and I know he cares about what I have to say. I can share with him in a way that I can’t with anyone else. This, for me, is highly connective time as we share who we really are with each other.
There are other times with people who aren’t my husband that feel very connective as well. These times are usually when a friend is sharing something that is hard for her or that she is struggling with or is just telling me about what’s going on in her life. She’s letting me see the real her, not an idealized image of her. She’s letting down her guard and being real with me and that builds connection. It’s our weaknesses and imperfections that make us relatable to each other. That’s what real connection happens—when we let someone see the messy side of us. In short, connection happens when we are authentic.
What Stops Authenticity?
It’s clear that being authentic is the way to go, so what holds us back from that unabashed authenticity of the four-year-old singing to golfers? What stops you from feeling like you can really be you anytime, anywhere?
One of the biggest challenges to authenticity is our desire to live up to the standards that we think other people have for us. We let other people tell us who to be and what that looks like. For example, a “good mom” has a clean house, reads to her kids, knows how to do fourth grade math, cooks yummy, healthy meals every single day, never has a pile of laundry, has meaningful conversations with her kids each day, never yells, gets everywhere on time, plans amazing birthday parties, gets her kids on all the best teams and in all the best schools, and looks good doing all of this. There’s no way any woman can pull off everything that she “should” do as a mother. And yet, somehow, we try to hold ourselves to these types of idealized standards.
The problem with this (other than that it’s completely exhausting and overwhelming), is that if we are sure that everyone around us has an idea of how we “should” be living and we know we aren’t living up to it, we will hide who we are so that others can’t see us falling short. And there goes that opportunity for connection because you can’t connect with someone who is hiding.
Trying to live by ideals that you think others have for you is going to stress you out, make you feel inadequate, and threaten your relationships (Jack, 1991). Instead, if you can be who you want to be and embrace the fact that you aren’t perfect but that you’re a wonderful person who is trying her or his best, you can let down that guard, stop hiding, and maybe even come at the world with the unabashed singing of a four-year-old.
This week, challenge yourself to see ways that you are trying to live up to other people’s standards rather than your ideas of who you want to be. Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
In what ways do I tend to judge myself by how I think other people see me? (Watch for examples of this throughout your week.)
Do I often feel responsible for other people’s feelings? What are some examples of this in my life?
When I make decisions, do other people’s thoughts and opinions influence me more than my own thoughts and opinions?
References
Andersen, S. M, & Williams, M. (1985). Cognitive ⁄ affective reactions in the improvement of self-esteem: When thoughts and feelings make a difference. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 49, 1086–1097.
Kernis, M. H., & Goldman, B. M. (2006). A multicomponent conceptualization of authenticity: Theory and research. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 283-357.
Lopez, F. G., & Rice, K. G. (2006). Preliminary development and validation of a measure of relationship authenticity. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 53, 362–371.
Neff, K. D., & Harter, S. (2002). The authenticity of conflict resolutions among adult couples: Does women’s other-oriented behavior reflect their true selves? Sex Roles, 47, 403–417.
Schlegel, R. J., & Hicks, J. A. (2011). The true self and psychological health: Emerging evidence and future directions. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(12), 989-1003.
Amber A. Price is a researcher, writer, and educator with a focus on authenticity and connection. Her mission is to help women love themselves for who they are so that they can find deeper connection with their partners, family, and friends. She currently lives in Utah with her husband and 4 sons and is working on her PhD in Marriage, Family, and Human Development. Amber loves baking cookies and drinking hot chocolate daily-even in July. You can learn and read more about authenticity and connection at https://amberaprice.com
I can picture it so clearly in my mind. I’m about 14 and sitting in the Sunday school class for teenage girls. We are having one of many lessons on chastity, specifically waiting until marriage to have sex. I’m curious, but uncomfortable.
The teacher, doing the best she knows how to help us avoid pre-marital sex, passes a rose around the room. She asks us all to touch the petals, to rub them between our fingers, as we hold the flower. Slowly, as the rose passes from hand to hand, the petals start to wilt and pull from the stem. The oil from our hands and the pressure from the rubbing leaves the petals looking tired and misshapen.
And then, the metaphor comes. The rose, as you can guess, was compared to us, the young group of girls huddled in the small room. Having sex before marriage, we were taught, would make us like the worn, misshapen rose. We would be dirty and used and unclean.
Not all of us got the detrimental rose lesson (thank heavens). But most of us who grew up in a conservative religion likely heard similar messages at some point. Parents, teachers, and youth leaders did the best they knew how to help us wait until marriage to have sex. Unfortunately, the fear-based approach to sexual education, combined with other factors, has left many individuals struggling with sexual guilt even after marriage (Peterson, 1964). In fact, research has found that religious individuals, especially religious women, experience higher levels of sexual guilt compared to their non-religious peers (Emmers-Sommer et al., 2018; Leonhardt et al., 2020).
For individuals who have internalized the message that sex is sinful and dirty, the transition into sexual activity with marriage is challenging. They struggle to enjoy sex with their spouse and experience feelings of shame and discomfort when they try, an experience described by Dr. Laura M. Brotherson as “good girl syndrome” or “good boy syndrome.”
Dr. Brotherson created an assessment to measure one’s experience with “good girl syndrome” or “good boy syndrome.” Here are a few of the items she provides, which users rate themselves on a scale from 0 (none) to 10 (a lot):
Underlying belief that sex is bad, wrong, dirty or sinful.
Inability to relax and let go fully within the sexual experience.
Unnecessary/inappropriate inhibitions, guilt, shame or awkwardness associated with sexual relations within marriage.
Do any of these statements describe your current experience with sex? Do you struggle to engage in and enjoy your sexual relationship with your spouse because of sexual guilt?
If so, there is good news and not-so-good news. The good news is that this is something that you can change. Our beliefs and thoughts are malleable, thank heavens, and we can change the way that we view sex. The not-so-good news is that, if you don’t work to make those changes, your relationship will likely suffer. In fact, researchers have found that sexual guilt is directly associated with lower sexual satisfaction (Leonhardt et al., 2020). In other words, if you feel guilty about sex, you are going to have a more difficult time enjoying it with your spouse.
The first step in addressing sexual guilt is recognizing that the guilt is stemming from your beliefs about sex. If you’re struggling with “good girl syndrome” or “good boy syndrome,” that is an indication that at least part of you still believes that sex is wrong, dirty, or sinful. Once you recognize that, you can start to make adjustments in those beliefs. Here are a few things that I would recommend you do as you work to shift negative beliefs about sex:
Spend some time identifying what negative beliefs about sex you are holding on to. Journaling will be your best friend in this process. Write down any negative thoughts or ideas about sex that come to your mind. And then, decide if you want to keep holding on to any of the beliefs that you have written down.
Write down more positive, faith-based beliefs about sex that you can work to incorporate into your belief system. Things like, “Sex, sexual desires, and sexual pleasure are gifts from God,” “Sex is a way for me to express and experience love with my spouse,” and “God wants me to enjoy sex.” You can use these and add to them or just come up with some on your own. Make sure that your statements are based in faith and truth, rather than fear. Read these statements often as you work to exchange them for your previous, negative beliefs.
Seek out faith- and research-based resources to learn about healthy sexual relationships. As you learn more about sexual desire, functioning, and pleasure, you will gain confidence in your sexual relationship with your spouse. The book “The Great Sex Rescue” by Sheila Wray Gregoire and her co-authors is one of the best resources I have found for understanding and working through religious sexual guilt.
Changing your beliefs about sex will likely take some time, but it will be so worth it. There is so much potential for joy, connection, pleasure, and love in your sexual relationship with your spouse. As you work to make shifts in your beliefs about and feelings towards sex, you will open yourself up to more of that potential.
I’m sorry if, like me, you were taught lessons and heard messages that contributed to your negative beliefs about sex. But we are not wilted roses. We are not chewed up gum. We are human beings who are working to create happy, healthy, mutually pleasurable sexual relationships in our marriage.
And that, my friends, is a very good thing.
Take some time this week to identify your own feelings about sex. What negative and incorrect beliefs are you holding on to, and what steps can you take to start the process of unlearning them?
References
Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Inspire Book.
Leonhardt, N. D., Busby, D. M., & Willoughby, B. J. (2020). Sex guilt or sanctification? The indirect role of religiosity on sexual satisfaction. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 12(2), 213.
Emmers-Sommer, T. M., Allen, M., Schoenbauer, K. V., & Burrell, N. (2018). Implications of sex guilt: A meta-analysis. Marriage & Family Review, 54, 417– 437.
Peterson, J. A. (1964). Education for marriage (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Scribner
Carlie Palmer-Webb is a gender and sexuality researcher, entrepreneur, enthusiastic Jesus lover, hugger, and The Christian Sex Educator. Originally from Middle of Nowhere, Idaho, she now lives in Vermont with her husband Dallin and their cat Maple. Carlie is a lover of baked goods, volleyball, long naps, and kind humans.
Not sure where to start? Here are a couple of activities that you can do to help you seek understanding and improve your communication skills in your relationships!
Anna Smith is from Bountiful, Utah and is currently a Junior at Brigham Young University. She is studying Family Services and plans to become a Licensed Social Worker. Anna loves to spend time with others, and is passionate about helping individuals and families achieve stability and happiness.
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Carlie Palmer-Webb is a gender and sexuality researcher, entrepreneur, enthusiastic Jesus lover, hugger, and