All of us are fighting a hard battle. Maybe you’re like me and infertility is really weighing you down right now. Maybe you’re going through a divorce. Maybe you just lost a loved one. Maybe you lost your job, or are struggling to lose weight and eat healthy. Maybe your toddler is driving you really close to burnout. Maybe mental health is eating you alive. It doesn’t matter what it is – we all have things going on that are tough. And we can’t do it alone. Nor should we have to.
Sometimes we feel like we have to – no one wants to take my burden. I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems. No one cares about what I’m going through. I’m the only one. All of these are toxic things we tell ourselves. These faulty beliefs isolate us and breed loneliness and poorer physical and mental health (Sippel, et al., 2015).
What are the benefits of having a support system?
Breast cancer patients who are socially isolated are more likely to experience tumor growth and at a more rapid rate than their peers who do have a strong support system (Hinzey, et al., 2016). And elderly adults reported a greater sense of well-being and fewer depressive symptoms when satisfied with the amount of support received from their family (Montpetit, et al., 2016). Elderly individuals are also more likely to be physically active when they feel supported, which is especially important given that a lack of physical activity contributes significantly to mortality in elderly patients (Smith, et al., 2017). Caregivers of patients suffering from terminal illness refusing treatment also found significant reduction in anxiety and burden by attending support groups (Chan, et al., 2016). Men who use online support groups for their infertility report a significant increase in well being, support and life satisfaction, despite the emotional exhaustion of infertility treatment and perceived stigma (Richard, et al., 2017). Poly-victimized girls with a support system of peers were less likely to have psychotic experiences (Crush et al., 2018). And medical residents experiencing loneliness were more likely to also experience both personal and work-related burnout. But when they rely on their coworkers for support, they report less loneliness and burnout, more energy and higher work performance (Rogers et al., 2016).
What it really comes down to is that whatever you are struggling with, building and utilizing a support system can help you emotionally and physically.
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How do I create my support system?
There are many ways to do this. One way is to join an organized support group. Support groups exist for almost everything: diabetes, care for elderly parents/spouse, infertility, adoption or foster care, parenting a special needs child, marital struggles, mental health or substance use struggles, loved ones of the same, etc. Some of these are just groups of people reaching out for support, like on Facebook or other social media platforms. Other times these groups are more organized and facilitated by a therapist or social worker or other professional. These groups, especially those facilitated by professionals have pretty good outcomes(Chan, et al., 2016). But the less organized groups on social media report good outcomes as well (Richard, et al., 2017).
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In addition to these more formal options, your friends and family can be a great support system. There is no need to suffer alone or hide your pain and struggle from people who love and care about you. Having said that, not all of your friends or family will understand and be able to help. You will have to weed people out – not all of the people we love are able to give us empathy, validation, appropriate feedback, and assistance. Delicately introduce elements of your struggle that you are comfortable sharing. Test the reactions. Does the person blow off what you are saying or immediately jump to fix it? Do they tell you it isn’t a big deal? If they do, you probably don’t want to include them in your support system. But if they ask clarifying questions, provide appropriate insight and feedback, and express empathy for your struggle, you’ve probably got a good candidate for your support group.
No one in your life can fill every need. That’s why it is important to have many people in your support system.
I don’t want to burden my loved ones OR I feel uncomfortable asking for help
Many people won’t ask for help and support because they don’t want to inconvenience others. They don’t want to ask because they keep telling themselves “I’m fine” and what would they even ask for anyway?
But sometimes we aren’t fine, and if we don’t take the time to self-care and connect with the important people in our lives, healing slows, and sometimes we remain broken.
But we must find ways to get help. This may, of course, be easier in an organized support group. But even in developing your own support system, help can come organically. Schedule time with members of your support system. You don’t have to spend the entire time talking about your problems. In fact, you probably shouldn’t. Sometimes companionship is enough. Text or call. Be willing to ask for the little things. If you are open you will find people in your life with similar struggles who know what to say and how to help. There have been many times I have been open and offered details of my infertility to someone I didn’t think could possibly understand and received some of the greatest support and empathy. Building a support system requires openness and vulnerability and there is a level of risk. But the risk is worth it. It takes practice. Start small.
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Therapeutic or professional intervention may still be necessary
Be aware that even when we have the best support team ever we may still need professional support. Our support systems are intended to be just that – support. But they aren’t usually the ultimate “fix-it” or solution. If I get in a car accident and am injured I can use my support system, but I would still go to the hospital for medical care. If my car breaks down, someone in my support system can give me a ride, but I still take the car to a mechanic. The same goes with our mental health. I can use my support system for comfort, support, and accountability, but I may still need therapy and medication to work through my trauma or manage my anxiety. Our support systems add to professional help; they rarely replace it.
Building a support system makes such a difference. There are more people struggling than you know, and there is no need to struggle alone. Asking for help and reaching outside of yourself may take courage but it boosts mental health, physical health, confidence, and decreases feelings of loneliness and hopelessness (Sippel et al., 2015).
This week, identify at least 3-5 people to add to your support system. Ask one of them for help with something you wouldn’t normally ask for. Remember that you are not failing – you’re allowing people to lift you.
References
Chan, K. Y., Yip, T., Yap, D. Y., Sham, M. K., Wong, Y. C., Lau, V. W. K., … Chan, T. M. (2016). Enhanced Psychosocial Support for Caregiver Burden for Patients With Chronic Kidney Failure Choosing Not to Be Treated by Dialysis or Transplantation: A Pilot Randomized Controlled Trial. American Journal of Kidney Diseases, 67(4), 585–592. doi: 10.1053/j.ajkd.2015.09.021
Crush, E., Arseneault, L., & Fisher, H. L. (2018). “Girls get by with a little help from their friends: Gender differences in protective effects of social support for psychotic phenomena amongst poly-victimised adolescents”: Correction. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology: The International Journal for Research in Social and Genetic Epidemiology and Mental Health Services, 53(12), 1419. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s00127-018-1620-0
Hinzey, A., Gaudier-Diaz, M. M., Lustberg, M. B., & Devries, A. C. (2016). Breast cancer and social environment: getting by with a little help from our friends. Breast Cancer Research, 18(1). doi: 10.1186/s13058-016-0700-x
Montpetit, M. A., Nelson, N. A., & Tiberio, S. S. (2017). Daily interactions and affect in older adulthood: Family, friends, and perceived support. Journal of Happiness Studies: An Interdisciplinary Forum on Subjective Well-Being, 18(2), 373–388. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10902-016-9730-4
Richard, J., Badillo-Amberg, I., & Zelkowitz, P. (2017). “So Much of This Story Could Be Me”: Men’s Use of Support in Online Infertility Discussion Boards. American Journal of Men’s Health, 663–673. https://doi.org/10.1177/1557988316671460
Rogers, E., Polonijo, A. N., & Carpiano, R. M. (2016). Canadian Family Physician, 62 (11).
Sippel, L. M., R. H. Pietrzak, D. S. Charney, L. C. Mayes, and S. M. Southwick. 2015. How does social support enhance resilience in the trauma-exposed individual? Ecology and Society20(4):10.
Lindsay Smith, G., Banting, L., Eime, R., O’Sullivan, G., & van Uffelen, J. G. Z. (2017). The association between social support and physical activity in older adults: A systematic review. The International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity, 14. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1186/s12966-017-0509-8
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
When good things happen to us, we inevitably want to share it with others. This is a social process known as capitalization. This process includes the individual sharing their good news (capitalizers) and the person(s) to whom they retell their news (responders) (Peters, et al., 2018). No matter which role you play in this social process, the positive outcomes are equally beneficial.
If you’re like me, celebrating the successes of others comes easy. However, I typically lack the vulnerability necessary to share my own successes with others. Previous to researching the art of celebration, I would’ve seen sharing my good news with others as ‘tooting my own horn’ or bragging. In reality, by withholding my good news or cause for celebration, I am limiting the potential of creating a celebration and positivity cycle that is mutually beneficial for myself and all those around me.
The Celebration and Positivity Cycle
If you have something positive to share, you already experience a mood boost from your success. This great feeling only increases when you share your good news with others, allowing them to experience a similar mood boost. I like to call this, the celebration and positivity cycle. The more you share positive information, the happier you’ll be. Likewise, you’re giving someone the opportunity to relish in that same positivity.
So where does this happiness come from? Is it the actual good news, the retelling of the news or hearing the news that generates this happiness? The answer is ALL OF THE ABOVE! In fact, this positivity cycle is so contagious that you don’t even have to be friends with someone to experience the benefits of celebration. In a recent study, psychologists found that capitalizers and responders both experienced increased positivity in regardless of whether or not they had an existing relationship (Conoley, et al., 2015). This means the positive benefits derived from capitalization are not exclusive to just close relationships, but that friends and strangers alike have equal potential to engage in the celebration and positivity cycle. We all benefit from good news, no matter the source!
Threats to the Cycle
In order to continue receiving the benefits of celebration, we need to understand possible threats to the cycle. The biggest threat to our continued happiness is low‐self‐esteem and the adverse feelings that often accompany it (jealousy, insecurity, resentment..etc.). Self-esteem mediates our perception and can distort reality if we don’t have a favorable relationship with ourselves. Research indicates that individuals with low‐self‐esteem perceive less partner enthusiasm about their good news, while those with high‐self‐esteem perceive more partner enthusiasm (Reis, et al., 2012). How celebrated we feel is directly linked to our self‐esteem. The more comfortable we feel with ourselves, the more validated we feel by others in our celebration.
Practice being vulnerable and share your good news with someone! Consider how you feel others received it as this may reflect your own level of self‐esteem.
References
Conoley, C. W., Vasquez, E., Bello, B. D., Oromendia, M. F., & Jeske, D. R. (2015). Celebrating the accomplishments of others. The Counseling Psychologist, 43(5), 734-751. https://doi.org/10.1177/0011000015584066
Marigold, D. C., Cavallo, J. V., & Hirniak, A. (2019). Subjective perception or objective reality? How recipients’ self-esteem influences perceived and actual provider responsiveness in support contexts. Self and Identity. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/15298868.2019.1652681
Peters, B. J., Reis, H. T., & Gable, S. L. (2018). Making the good even better: A review and theoretical model of interpersonal capitalization. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 12(7), e12407. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12407
Reis, Harry T., Smith, Shannon M. (2012). Perceived Responses to Capitalization Attempts are Influenced by Self-Esteem and Relationship Threat. Journal of the International Association for Relationship Research, 19(2), 367–385. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2011.01367.x
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
Thud! I closed my eyes and took a breath, hoping the glass bowl would still be sitting on the shelf. I opened my eyes and to my horror, it was shattered in a million pieces on the floor.
Just moments before, I was casually pushing my son in the shopping cart through a crowded store. Other shoppers lined the aisles looking for the best after Christmas deals. As I found some items I was interested in, I stopped the cart and beginning rummaging through the table of things. With people all around, I noticed my son pulling a glass bowl off the counter. Quickly I turned around and caught his arm. “You weren’t fast enough this time!” I said, laughing. He shot me a wicked smile as I placed the bowl back on the table. I then grabbed the handles of the cart and began to push him away. With lightning speed he shot his hand back towards the bowl and knocked it off the table. Thud!
Embarrassed, I quickly got on the ground and started to pick up the pieces. Pausing momentarily, I looked around hoping that someone would come to my aid. To my dismay, the other shoppers that were just feet from me a few seconds before had completely vanished. I tried to gather as many pieces as I could and then quickly found some workers, who told me not to worry about it.
One of the benefits of living in our day and age is the way technology allows us to be connected with people everywhere. In the 21st century, you can call someone across the globe and speak in real-time. Social media, hashtags and optimized search engines help you find thousands of people with similar interests to you in a matter of seconds. Unfortunately, this boom of technology has also contributed to decreasing connectivity in our real life, face-to-face communities. I’d like to think that many of the people in the store that day might have shared one of those “feel good stories” that often find their way onto our Facebook news feeds… but when it came down to it in the real world, every single one of them walked away from an opportunity to reach out and serve a total stranger. Have we forgotten what it actually means to be a part of a community?
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A Thought from the Ancients
Aristotle begins one of his most famous books with an account of how communities developed among our ancestors. First, he claims that individuals combine into pairs because they cannot “exist without one another”. These pairs then reproduce and create households for the purpose of sustaining daily life. As the family expands, multiple families join together into villages. Because the group is now larger, people can specialize in their abilities (cooking food, killing animals, medicine, etc.) and life becomes more comfortable. The most important change, however, is when several villages come together and form a city:
“(The city) reaches a level of full self-sufficiency, so to speak; and while coming into being for the sake of living, it exists for the sake of living well” (Aristotle).
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What does it mean to live well? For many of us, that means having a modest home, professional success, and satisfaction in family life. To Aristotle, however, it meant fulfilling our telos, or purpose. What is our purpose as humans, then? I won’t go into all the political theory that Aristotle would want me to, but he basically argues the purpose of our life is eudaimonia (happiness) through the constant, active pursuit of virtue. Aristotle goes onto say,
“Any polis [city with government] which is truly so called, and is not merely one in name, must devote itself to the end of encouraging goodness. Otherwise, a political association sinks into a mere alliance… otherwise, too, law becomes a mere covenent… ‘a guarantor of men’s rights against one another’ – instead of being, as it should be, a rule of life such as will make the members of a polis good and just.”
Do our communities and governments encourage goodness? Do our current community cultures, standards, and laws help to make all of us better and more honorable people? I’d like to think in many ways they do, but personally I’ve noticed a disturbing trend of selfishness among citizens, politicians, and laws alike.
According to Aristotle, it is our privilege and responsibility to encourage goodness, fight for justice, and partake in the happiness of life with the members of our community. While Aristotle was focusing on the political nature of communities, his words apply to nearly any way you think about the people around you. A community can be as small as the people who live on your street, attend your church, or live in your neighborhood. They can also be as large as your state, country, or even planet. As you think about community, I hope you realize the impact you can have on it, and the impact it can have on you.
CommUNITY: Part of a Healthy Routine
Did you know that time and time again, research finds various health benefits to community belonging? People who feel connected to their community are more likely to report more positive mental health (Palis, Marchand, & Oviedo-Joekes, 2018). Not only that, but they are also more likely to report better physical health (Ross, 2002). Even after taking other variables into account, researchers find that people who report ties to the community actually experience lower rates of disease and death than those who don’t (Berkman & Syme, 1979).
Photo by Daan Stevens on Unsplash
These benefits only come as you put yourself out there. In 2019, it’s easier than ever to hide away from the world and live in social isolation. Being a part of your community requires branching out. Sometimes it requires sacrificing the easy, comfortable, and routine for the difficult and unfamiliar. But like Aristotle said, the end goal is happiness. By being an active member of your community, you can help others find happiness and experience it for yourself along the way. How can you be a better member of your community? A few simple examples:
*Neighborhood/apartment complex: It’s as easy as a smile or wave. Reach out, get to know the people around you! Go to neighborhood events and say hello to others. You might be wishing someone would say hello to you… but turns out, that’s what everyone is actually hoping for!
*City/State: Find groups or clubs that meet for things you enjoy, like choir, dancing, babywearing, basketball, etc. Support local farmers markets or trade shows.
*Political: Get informed about the candidates, laws, etc. VOTE. Share your beliefs and ask others about theirs.
*Online: Support a friend’s new blog. Like, subscribe, and share posts of a growing community page (like ours :D).
Be the hero in someone else’s shopping cart tragedy. For the next week, look for small ways to serve others, especially those you don’t know. Put yourself out there! If you are intentional about serving others, opportunities will arise. Strive to meet them instead of running away! We can’t wait to hear about your experiences.
References
Berkman, L. F., Syme L. (1979). Social networks, host resistance, and mortality: a nine-year follow-up study of Alameda County residents. American Journal of Epidemiology, 109, 186-204.
Palis, H., Marchand, K., & Oviedo-Joekes, E. (2018). The relationship between sense of community belonging and self-rated mental health among Canadians with mental or substance use disorders. Journal of Mental Health, 1-8.
Ross, N. (2002) Community belonging and health. Health Reports, 13(3).
Hunter Tarry is from Gilbert, Arizona. Hunter graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development with a minor in psychology. Married for just over three years, Hunter and her husband Joseph recently became a family of three. Hunter currently cares for her son, Joseph, full-time. Her research interests include all things political, the impact of law on marriage, families, and children, aging across the lifespan and families during transitory periods. Hunter enjoys photography, volleyball, trying new restaurants with her husband, watching Jeopardy, and finding new ways to make her son laugh.
It has been said that “it takes a village to raise a child.” However, as it turns out, it also takes a village to raise, nurture, and mold an adult! The communities to which we belong throughout our lives have a vast impact on how we connect and relate to those around us. We NEED to feel like we belong to some sort of community in order to thrive as healthy humans. That is why we have decided to create this new category as a place to focus on how we fit into our larger community, how our communities impact us, and how we can strengthen our relationship with our “village”.
How do I fit into my community?
Reflect. Do you take your children to school every day? Are you involved in volunteer work? Do you affiliate with a political organization? Everyone’s place within their community is different, and sometimes within our large community, we belong to religious communities, support groups, volunteer organizations, etc. If you don’t feel that you have a place in your community, then now is a perfect time to start working on it.
What can I do to connect with those around me in a more meaningful way?
Lots of things! There are so many volunteer opportunities in your area. Guaranteed. Sometimes you just have to know where to look. Foster care and children’s homes, soup kitchens, hospitals, and nursing homes are great places to start. More simply, the person bagging your groceries, the banker and the mailman are all people that inadvertently impact your life. When was the last time you had a real conversation with one of them? Connecting with people is simply to choose to see them as people with feelings, problems, talents, hopes and fears as real as yours and then taking action.
Richard and Aubrey Dawn Palmer making dinner at the Ronald McDonald House in Salt Lake City, UT.
Why it is important to have a sense of community?
Taking action can be so small. It really is just about brief moments of connection. Those brief moments add up to change the lives of others, but also to change our own lives. They result in a greater sense of self worth and efficacy, a decrease in loneliness, depression and anxiety, and a more positive outlook on life. Connecting with others helps us look beyond ourselves.
More than that, the world is a place full of beauty, but also with a great deal of pain and loss. Everyone is fighting a battle and has a unique story. On an individual level, we all need to feel loved and appreciated, and connecting with people in our community contributes greatly to that. On a larger scale, community outreach and service creates a healthier, safer environment for children to learn and grow, the economy to survive, and families and individuals to succeed and thrive. It also increases personal accountability. When we each take accountability for the part we play in our community, we become a strong, unified group that can be an incredible force for good. I have seen this time and time again in my own life.
The world, and maybe even my immediate community, is a messed up place already. Why even bother?
That attitude contributes to the ‘messed up’ parts of the world! We ARE our community. Our community is a reflection of who we are, and we are a reflection of what our community looks like. A community that does no good, is filled with people who are unwilling to step up and do good. A community that is unified is full of people who strive for unity and contribute something of themselves in order to bring that about. Communities that promote change are filled with courageous people willing to step out of their comfort zones and do something for the greater good; not only for themselves but also for others. We “bother” because we care. We “bother” because if we believe that something is wrong, we take the initiative and work to change it. If something remains broken or messed up, it is only because people will not rally together and take the time and care required to fix it.
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So where do I start?
Well, the beauty is that we will be addressing this topic periodically in the future in this new commUNITY category. For now, think about what kinds of things you love to do. Maybe you love to cook, or you love yard work. Perhaps you love to talk with people. What kinds of skills you have? Maybe you have medical training, or maybe you are a good listener. Perhaps you are great at persuading others to contribute or step up to the plate. Then, think about how your passions and your skills can combine to make a difference in your community. And maybe while you’re thinking about that, you can donate blood. Or even do a Google search on volunteer opportunities in your area. Perhaps you can take a walk and get to know a neighbor, and help her clean out her flower bed, or offer to take a busy dad’s kids for a couple of hours so he can clean his kitchen and get a good nap. The possibilities are endless. The skill is learning to SEE the need, and then using that skill to reach out and connect.
This week, reach out in some small way to your community. Check out the suggestions above if you need ideas! You can also click here to search for current service opportunities in your area.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Infertility is typically defined as not being able to get pregnant after one year (or longer) of unprotected sex. Just about everyone knows at least one person who is struggling to get pregnant. And if you can’t think of someone right off the bat, I can guarantee that there is someone close to you that maybe just hasn’t told you they are struggling. In fact, according to the CDC, 1 in 8 couples have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy.Furthermore, after six months of trying, only 60% of couples will conceive without medical assistance. That leaves 40% that may end up needing some type of fertility treatment! Usually when we think about infertility we only think about the woman’s side of things. While this is very important and we should be sensitive with this topic, men are often forgotten in the equation. Truth be told, infertility is oftentimes just as hard on men as it is on women. In this article, I’d like to share about some of my own personal struggles with infertility, and address some of the common responses that I have received as I have opened up to people about the battle my wife and I are enduring.
Note: This post largely consists of my own personal experiences. Be aware that everyone’s journey with infertility is different, and therefore, someone may wish to be approached about their own personal journey in a different way from mine.
First reactions.
When talking to people about future plans or about any topic related to families, most people will ask “so do you want kids”? Before I say anything else, let me first address the fact that someone else’s family planning is not your business. You never know what someone may be going through, so unless they bring it up themselves, or it is someone that you are really close with, don’t ask that question in the first place. Whenever I am asked this question, my response is always the same, “Of course I do. Unfortunately, my wife and I have been blessed with infertility and are currently going through treatments so that we can.” (More on why I say “blessed with,” later) More often than not people will get very quiet and give me a look as if I had told them that I enjoy sticking pencils up my nose. Then, without a doubt, I get one of three responses. First, I will either get a question about adoption, second, I’ll hear a statement about how lucky I am, or lastly, I’ll get a story about how they knew of someone else who did this random thing and got pregnant. To be honest, these responses are incredibly frustrating. I do understand that people are trying to help and be comforting. Let’s be real, though, these responses are not helpful. All I really want is for someone to say, “Dude that sucks, I am sorry that’s happening,” and move on.
Photo by Janko Ferlič on Unsplash
“You could always just adopt.”
Adoption is a wonderful blessing for so many people. And I can guarantee that the majority of couples who are struggling with infertility have had many conversations with each other about the possibility of adoption. But to someone in the thick of a battle with infertility, saying things like, “Well, you can always adopt!” can really hurt. For some, adoption is just not a currently viable option due to cost or living situation. For others, the pain of thinking about giving up on having their own biological child is just too much. The best move is to assume that the couple has already considered this option, and to allow them to bring it up themselves if it is something they want to discuss with you.
I am lucky?
Hearing that I am lucky that I can’t have kids right now is one of the most frustrating comments to receive. Oftentimes, the people who tell me I am lucky are single and have no ambition to have a family in their current lifestyle (note that I have gotten this comment from both men and women). To me, infertility is not luck, it is a difficult and unfortunate part of life that my wife and I have to struggle through together. I do not care that we’re not at risk of having an “oops baby”, or that I get “unlimited sex”. I do not care that it means my wife and I don’t have to take care of a crying baby all through the night. I would take an “oops”, I would give up “unlimited sex”, I would gladly rock my crying baby all through the night if it meant that I got to be a father. If you are ever tempted to tell someone who is struggling with infertility how lucky they are, stop and think. Try stepping into their shoes to gain an understanding of what it means to feel such an incredible yearning and loss for something that can’t yet be part of your life.
Photo by Nynne Schrøder on Unsplash
Why advice does not help…and what you can do instead.
Oftentimes, we use advice as a defense mechanism. When we are uncomfortable, we try and offer a bit of wisdom to help make a trial that someone is going through seem a little more manageable, and a little less scary. While advice-giving is well-meaning, it can feel like a punch to the gut. As if my wife and I haven’t already tried everything we could think of (and that the internet and doctors could think of) to help us get pregnant. Almost two years ago, I was talking to an older man who had gone through the same thing earlier in his life. After struggling with infertility, he and his wife chose to adopt two girls from Korea (where his wife is from). As we were talking, he said a few things that stood out to me. First, he said that “he and his wife were blessed with infertility”. Second, he mentioned that, “It’s a pain no one can understand without going through the fire of doctors and medicine”. And third, “People’s advice is the hardest thing to hear. They speak on a matter they know nothing about, but act as if they are experts. Talking about their friend’s sister’s uncle who had issues and miraculously got pregnant because of a diet they did, or a sex position they tried.” For me, this man hit the nail on the head. Unless they have gone through it themselves, people don’t truly understand the pain of battling the “blessing of infertility”, but they still talk like they get it. Rather than acting like you know how to solve the problem, instead reach out with love, kindness, and a desire to understand. You don’t have to fix someone’s struggle in order to help them. Silent solidarity, a hug, or even just an acknowledgment of their struggle (again, “Man, that sucks. I’m sorry you have to go through that”) is often far better than trying to offer up what will most likely be not very helpful advice. Also, it’s important to remember that unless someone directly asks for ideas for sex positions to try, assume they don’t want to know. That is a private and intimate part of life that should remain between partners.
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So What DO You Say?
When discussing someone’s struggle with infertility (or any struggle really), the best policy is to “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Personally, all I really want is to be treated normally. And I believe that the majority of people who are experiencing infertility are in the same boat. We are not a ticking bomb that you have to walk on eggshells around. It’s lonely knowing that you are part of such a small community in the world that has this issue, and the best way to remedy that loneliness is through genuine connection. Be honest about your comfort level with the subject — if it makes you uncomfortable to talk to someone about their infertility, then let them know. That is okay! And feel free to ask non-invasive questions. Stop, think, and reach out in empathy.
Figure out where you are with talking about infertility. Talk to your partner about what it means to you to have a child or to want a child, and cherish the heck out of your family or significant other.
Richard Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and then moved on to live in Alaska and Texas before finally marrying his high school best friend, Aubrey-Dawn. He works at a residential treatment center, and specializes in working with ASD adolescents. He is studying recreational therapy and art.
This week, identify at least 3-5 people to add to your support system. Ask one of them for help with something you wouldn’t normally ask for. Remember that you are not failing – you’re allowing people to lift you.
