commUNITY, Guest Writers

Being a Better Ally

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Cover photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels

Opinion Piece Written by Sarah Morris
I don’t know if I should be writing this. Even as I type these words out into the page, I don’t know if I should be writing them. 
To me, there is something fundamentally wrong about celebrating Pride when black lives are under attack in our nation. To say how proud I am to be queer or talk about the impact of the Stonewall Riots in 1969 feels like a mockery and a betrayal both to my community and communities of color. The fight for Pride was started by transgender women of color protesting police brutality. How can I be proud when they are still murdered for the exact same thing, in the exact same way?
That being said, when I was asked to write this piece, I felt it was a place where some good could happen. In these times of pain and struggle, knowing how you can become a better ally is crucial. Principles of ally-ship are the same across causes, and although I desperately pray that my writing this isn’t taking up space needed for someone else’s voice, I do feel like I have learned a few things about being an ally. I have both been an ally and worked with allies; when you aren’t sure what to do, let me give you a good place to start.

Learn to Listen as an Ally

Listening as an ally is fundamentally different than having a conversation with a friend. When you are talking with a friend as a friend, there is a give and take. They say something, you say something back, and so on and so forth. Both of your opinions hold equal weight, even if you don’t agree.
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
This is not the case when you are an ally. Your job is to listen and understand where the community is coming from. You don’t get to have an opinion, because you have not experienced what the community has. You may have experienced similar things, you may think you share the same feelings, but your job is to hold space and respect for their feelings.

Speak Out, Not Over

The job of an ally is to amplify voices, not to speak over them. Allies have the privilege to speak out when it may be dangerous for minorities, and that is an excellent time for you to use your voice and activism. But when minorities do feel comfortable speaking about their experiences, your job is to make sure they can be heard not add your own commentary, spin, or perception to the situation.
This can even come to play in social media. When you retweet a thread from an activist, do you leave its be, or do you add your own “I Agree!” comment, so that likes show up on your page instead of the original poster? Consider the impact of the space you are taking up.
Perhaps the most powerful physical example of this can be seen in the protests going on right now. White allies, knowing that their bodies will not be abused in the same way that black bodies are, have acted as a physical shield between black protestors and police officers. That way, they are both using their privilege as a way to speak out (by attending the protest and standing in front of police officers), but not speak over those they are supporting (by physically protecting them so they can continue to protest. And live).
Allies
Source: https://twitter.com/danthe2nd/status/1268737665379315712/photo/1
Simply put, allies should use their voices to amplify minority voices, not to highlight their own experiences or opinions. 

Educate Yourself

Let me make this perfectly clear: it is never the job of minority individuals to educate allies. With the amount of information at our literal fingertips, there is no excuse for not being educated on the issues. The point is that you have to put in the work. You have to be willing to go out and find the materials and then consume them. An hour on google can teach you more about the best sources to learn from than any friend or family member, and you will be saving them the emotionally exhausting work of accommodating you. 
Education is also a continual thing. There will always be more to learn about racism, homophobia, ableism, xenophobia, and hundreds of others we could add to this list. Similar to listening as an ally, make sure you are learning as an ally – learn to understand more about what you don’t understand, not to defend what you already think to be true. 

Be Proactive

I know in this atmosphere, it can be hard to do anything without fearing making a misstep. But having allies constantly ask you for guidance and reassurance is exhausting! It is not the job of the oppressed to guide you in every little step of your ally-ship. If you want to be an ally, you need to step up and make some choices of your own. 
This is again where listening is your most crucial skill. It is a great idea to ask your friend “What can I do to help support you?” – it is not a good idea to ask that question every single week. Instead, listen to more than what the individual is saying. Are they going to protests? Great, go with them. Are they volunteering at local organizations? Awesome, find out how you can volunteer. Are they saying they need a safe space to feel things? Figure out how you can be a safe space for them.
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Photo by Life Matters from Pexels
You need to be in tune with events in order to do this. Some of the most meaningful experiences I’ve had are when friends reach out to me unprompted, knowing something that happened may have affected me. At the same time, I am not your project. Do not reach out to me to help yourself feel better about what is going on. Find the balance between being able to listen to what needs to get done and how you can act on your own. 
Honestly, being an ally is one of the most humbling experiences I’ve ever had. It is constant work. It forces me to put myself aside and recognize that although I can make a difference, my voice is not the one that is important. It forces me to be uncomfortable and exhausted. 
But remember that as exhausting as being a good ally is, the people you are fighting for have to live this every day. They put their lives and livelihoods on the line simply to exist as they are. Your love will do you good. Put it into ways that will help and not hurt.
Because we can all do better. We all have to do better. We don’t have another choice. 
For further reading on how to be a better ally, check out the links below:
Things that Anti-Racism Allies Need to Stop Doing
Justice in June
Guide to Being a Straight Ally
Diversity Includes Disability 
Dear White People: Being an Ally Isn’t Always What You Think

Personal Practice 1

Choose one of the articles listed above to read and write down one way that you can be a better ally this week and in the future!

 

 

SarahSarah Morris is a Human Rights Advocate living in New York City. She recently graduated from Columbia University with a Masters of Human Rights Studies, concentrating on LGBTQ rights and Women’s Rights. She currently volunteers as the East Coast Alumni Coordinator for The OUT Foundation, an organization for LGBTQ alumni of Brigham Young University. 
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commUNITY, Guest Writers

We Can Prevent Sexual Assault

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*Cover photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash

Written by Brittney Herman of We Will
Sexual assault is all too common. Every 73 seconds an American is assaulted (RAINN, 2020). Unfortunately, survivors of sexual assault experience numerous negative effects caused by the trauma of their assault. Mentally, survivors commonly experience post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, flashbacks, and even suicidal thoughts. Emotionally, a survivor may blame themselves, engage in self-hatred, or dissociation. Physically, a survivor could have contracted STDs, become pregnant, engage in self-harm and substance abuse, and develop eating or sleep disorders (RAINN, 2020). While it is possible to heal and survivors often heal, it is not without substantial suffering. When one member of the community suffers, we all suffer. In order to create healthy communities, we need mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy individuals. Allowing sexual assault to remain a rampant issue prevents the continuing health of individuals, and therefore healthy communities. 

The Importance of Education

However common, the efforts to eradicate sexual assault are not without hope. We can prevent sexual assault (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2020). Studies show that where there is sufficient sexual education, there are far fewer sexual assaults (Herman, 2020). Changing sexual education standards ensures every student receives proper education proven to reduce the rates of assault. While formal sexual education is an important contributing factor in state sexual assault rates, informal education is critical and can also make a substantial difference (We Will, 2019). Informal education takes place through families, social media, and everyday conversations. 
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Photo by Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash
The focus of sufficient sexual assault prevention education is not on potential victims. Rather than teaching self-defense, safety practices, or other techniques, proper sexual assault prevention education focuses on teaching would-be perpetrators what is wrong. While safety practices for would-be victims are important, addressing the would-be perpetrators attacks the problem of sexual assault at its root (Herman, 2020). Victims and survivors of sexual assault are not the problem with assault, the problem lies only with the perpetrator.
Most sexual assaults are committed by an acquaintance or someone else with a relationship to the victim (Saint Mary’s College of California, n.d.). This is a large reason why teaching safety practices are ineffective measures to completely eradicate sexual assault. This is why we must address what is going wrong in situations with perpetrators known to the victim. Oftentimes in these situations, it is a lack of consent or the use of coercion which leads to a sexual assault (Saint Mary’s College of California, n.d.).

Crucial Terms

Proper sexual assault prevention education includes teaching consent, coercion, and refusal skills (Herman, 2020). Consent is the enthusiastic permission of both parties to engage in an activity (Project Respect, 2020). Coercion is forcing someone to engage in an activity through threat, force, or intimidation (Coercion, 2020). Refusal skills teach individuals how to say no, and teach others to recognize a no when it is given (Warzak, & Page, 1990). 
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Photo by Isaiah Rustad on Unsplash
When we teach consent, we teach that consent cannot be obtained from someone who is asleep, unconscious, or otherwise incapacitated. This helps to prevent an extremely common form of sexual assault (Fifth of sex attack victims ‘asleep or unconscious’, 2015). Just because consent existed in the past does not mean that consent exists in the present situation. This will help to prevent confusion between couples that can lead to sexual assault. We can teach that consent can be withdrawn at any time, which makes it clear to the individual who wants to move forward that they cannot move forward. People will learn that consent is a normal and necessary part of sex and that consent must be obtained in order to engage in an activity (Consent – Let’s Talk About It, 2020). Learning the term coercion teaches would-be perpetrators that threat, force, and intimidation can never produce legitimate consent (University of Massachusetts Dartmouth, 2020). Further, while refusal skills teach would-be victims how to say no and have a plan for if they are put in an uncomfortable situation, * teaching refusal skill also focuses on making sure would-be perpetrators recognize a no (Herman, 2020).
As we teach consent, coercion, and refusal skills not only will individuals realize what actions are wrong and be deterred from taking such actions, but survivors of assault will also more easily recognize when they are assaulted and seek help more effectively and quickly (Herman, 2020). Today, many survivors take a long time to recognize that what happened to them was assault (Ro, 2018). This can lead to engrained feelings of trauma or self-blame (Ro, 2018). Making it clear to survivors what qualifies as sexual assault means that an assault can be more easily recognized, reported, and the harmful effects mitigated. Additionally, parents, teachers, and other authorities will have the same vocabulary as the survivor, so when she or he describes their assault, these authorities can understand them. Standardizing vocabulary puts everyone on an even playing field and clarifies discrepancies that can occur when meanings of these words or concepts are confusing or based on opinion (Herman, 2020). 
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Photo by Duy Pham on Unsplash

We Can

Through teaching these concepts in our schools, encouraging caretakers to teach these concepts to future generations, talking about sexual assault prevention on social media, and discussing these concepts in everyday conversation, we can and we will prevent sexual assault and help survivors feel supported and loved coming forward (Herman, 2020). Through preventing horrific trauma of sexual assault either through prevention of the assault itself or through proper mitigation, we will create healthier individuals and communities. 
*It is important to note that even if a survivor was taught refusal skills or had a plan and was unable or felt uncomfortable using these skills or plan for any number of reasons, it is still not the survivor’s fault.
Personal Practice 1Why does consent matter for YOU? Write down your answer, and then share with someone you love.

References

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2020, January 17). Prevention Strategies|Sexual Violence|Violence Prevention|Injury Center|CDC. Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/sexualviolence/prevention.html
Coercion. (2020). Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Coercion
Consent – Let’s Talk about It. (2020). Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.letstalkaboutit.nhs.uk/other-services/sexual-assault/consent/
Fifth of sex attack victims ‘asleep or unconscious’. (2015, February 12). Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-31434555
Herman, B. (2020). Sexual Education as a Form of Sexual Assault Prevention: A Survey of Sexual Education Among States with the Highest and Lowest Rates of Rape. [Forthcoming Publication], on file with author.
Project Respect. (2020). Consent. Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.yesmeansyes.com/consent/
RAINN. (2020). Effects of Sexual Violence. Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.rainn.org/effects-sexual-violence
RAINN. (2020). Victims of Sexual Violence: Statistics. Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence
Ro, C. (2018, November 06). Why most rape victims never acknowledge what happened. Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20181102-why-dont-rape-and-sexual-assault-victims-come-forward
Saint Mary’s College of California. (n.d.). Acquaintance Rape and Sexual Assault. Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.stmarys-ca.edu/sites/default/files/attachments/files/acquaintance-rape-and-sexual-assault.pdf
University of Massachusetts Dartmouth. (2020). Definitions. Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.umassd.edu/sexualviolence/definitions/
Warzak, W. J., & Page, T. J. (1990). Teaching refusal skills to sexually active adolescents. Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, 21(2), 133-139. https://doi.org/10.1016/0005-7916(90)90018-g
We Will. (2019). Formal and Informal Education. Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.wewillorg.com/formal-and-informal-education

 

Brittney Brittney Herman graduated in April, 2020, with a law degree from Brigham Young University. She primarily studied tax law, but also had the opportunity to study sexual education laws during her years there. Brittney started the non-profit We Will, which is focused on the prevention and mitigation of sexual assault. She herself is a survivor of sexual assault, and uses those trials to fuel her fight for the rights of those who have been through similar experiences. Read more about her and her organization here.
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Heartfulness: Understanding Our Deep Feelings and Empathic Nature

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Written by Dray Salcido
“To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate.” 
– Anthon St. Maarten
Heartfulness is more than mindfulness. It’s embracing our imagination and feelings, and is meant to awaken in us that which was sleeping. A study revealed, “the magnetic field produced by the heart is 5,000 times greater in strength than the field generated by the brain and can be detected and measured several feet away from the body, in all directions (Watkins, 2014). Essentially, the ability to feel has more influence on life than anything else. This time of pandemic and collective grief may be our chance to understand ourselves and live more fully. Allow me to share some research, and thoughts on why a more heartful way of living is essential to make it through 2020. 

The Elements

At some point in history, it was decided that removing emotion from decision making, and intellectual pursuits was the right thing to do. I recognize the successes that come with objectivity, but also think we’ve done ourselves a disservice by valuing logic too highly. Placing reason above connection will be more detrimental than beneficial, and scientific research validates this presumption.
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Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash
When emotion is measured, it appears faster and more apparent than our cognitions. The brain is there to make sense of our feelings, but it also stores conflicting information. The more data in our mind, the longer it takes to process emotion. Our intuition, however, is faster than our mind. Research shows that making decisions based on our gut improves cognitive functioning and produces more satisfying results for people (Yip et. Al, 2020). Perhaps it’s most apparent with big decisions like, “Who will I marry?”, “How will I vote?”, “How will I raise my children?”, “What career will I pursue?” etc. When we act solely on logic we often betray ourselves, and experience regret down the road. Ever found yourself in a job you hate, but chose because it makes good money? Or, stayed in a relationship because “they’re perfect”, but you’re not happy? We need our emotions to guide us, not only to what makes sense, but to what we really want. There’s enough evidence to prove any and everything. But, only one heart knows what’s best for you. 

The Experience

Our conditioning has inhibited our heartfulness. Most of us have received messages like “you’re too much, don’t be angry, don’t cry, it’s not that big of a deal” etc. The truth is, not being free to feel our feelings completely is what’s created a pandemic of emptiness and dissatisfaction with ourselves and our relationships. Empathy is an important factor in thriving relationships. Essentially, it’s in our biology to give and receive empathy (Wearne, 2020). Our lifetime of resisting feelings deliberately contradicts our scientific makeup.
I remember being in kindergarten and sensing that my dad was cheating on my mom. I kept this awareness to myself for many reasons: I had no evidence, it was illogical, I didn’t want to hurt anyone, I was afraid to be mocked, and a big part of me wanted to be wrong. Years went by and this gut feeling got stronger. When I was eleven, or so, I finally told my mom that my dad was cheating on her. She asked how I knew. I explained that I had no proof, but felt a strong feeling. The following year he confessed his infidelity. My feeling wasn’t crazy, it was prophetic.
Have you ever felt sad when you walked in the house, only to find out your partner had had a rough day? Have you ever felt a random burst of anxiety while your friend was driving, and they tell you they just saw a police car? According to Dr. Watkins, “the electromagnetic field of the heart carries information that can not only be detected in the behaviors of other people in close proximity, but also has measurable, physiological effects on them” (Watkins, 2014). This isn’t just woo woo, feelings stuff. This is scientific. We feel each other’s feelings both unintentionally and intentionally, and we are hardwired to do so. 
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The Embrace

Glennon Doyle tells a story of her daughter’s sensitivity. In school, the kids were taught about the polar bears struggling to survive because of the melting ice caps. Glennon’s daughter preoccupied herself with the polar bears for months and asked, “Who’s going to help them?” and “Where’s the polar bear’s mommy to take care of them?” One night she told Glennon, “It’s the polar bears now but nobody cares…so soon it’s going to be us.” Glennon realized her daughter wasn’t crazy to be heartbroken about the polar bears. The rest of us are crazy not to be heartbroken about the polar bears (Brown, 2020). Angry, devastated people aren’t weird or insane. They just may be the only ones responding appropriately to a damaged world. It’s the shamans, clergy, healers and poets that see what other people can’t, and are willing to feel what other people refuse. They follow their gut. They’ve embraced their heartfulness.
The problem with numbing, masking or resisting emotion is that we stop trusting ourselves. Goethe said, “as soon as you learn to trust yourself, you will know how to live.” We all start out hopeful, happy and trusting. Then life challenges us and breaks us down. Rather than leaning into and learning more about our hearts, we often put up walls and armor of protection. It’s time for us to unlearn our doubt and fear. Let’s unpack our way back to ourselves and each other. 
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
So, what if we embraced our deep feelings? What if we got back to caring for the collective good? Leaning into emotion may be the most difficult thing you ever do. When we become heartful, we feel more, and the more we feel, the more ups and downs we will experience. We will be confronted with our own light and darkness. You may realize just how permeable you are, and how vulnerable we all are (McConkie, 2017). But it also clears up the way for real connection, and demonstrates how capable of emotions, like love, we can be. It will be painful and beautiful, and totally worth it!
Personal Practice 1This week, express your true feelings to yourself and those around you. Be unapologetic in your emotions. Hold space for yourself, even if you don’t think what you feel is logical or valid. Practice holding nonjudgmental space for others as well. Record your realizations that arise from this emotional embrace.

References

Brown, B., (Producer). (2020, March 24). Glennon Doyle and Brené on Untamed [Audio Podcast]. Retrieved from https://brenebrown.com/podcast/glennon-doyle-brene-on-untamed/
McConkie, T., (Producer). (2017, November 15). Heartfulness [Audio Podcast]. Retrieved from https://www.mindfulnessplus.org/episodedetails/2017/11/15/26-heartfulness
Watkins, A. R., (2015). Coherence: The secret science of brilliant leadership. KoganPage.  
Wearne, T.A., Osborne-Crowley, K., Logan, J.A., Wilson, E., Rushby, J., & McDonald, S. (2020). Understanding how others feel: Evaluating the relationship between empathy and various aspects of emotion recognition following severe traumatic brain injury. Neuropsychology, 34(3), 288-297. https://doi-org.ezporxy.uvu.edu/10.1037/neu0000609
Yip, J.A., Stein, D.H., Cote, S., & Carney, D.R. (2020). Follow your gut? Emotional intelligence moderates the association between physiologically measured somatic markers and risk-taking. Emotion, 20(3), 462-472. http://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10/1037/emo00000561.supp (Supplemental)

 

 

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Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
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commUNITY

30 Ways to Strengthen your Relationships During COVID-19

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Written by Shirley Anderson
With the global issue of COVID-19, we’ve been given the instruction by our nation’s leaders and world health professionals to practice ‘social distancing’ for an undetermined amount of time. 
With this unique instruction, we may easily become lost in the sudden change of pace that we may overlook and therefore neglect one of our most basic human needs…. social connection. 
As human beings, we truly are hard-wired to connect with one another and for good reason too. “Social connection can lower anxiety and depression, help us regulate our emotions, lead to higher self-esteem and empathy, and actually improve our immune systems (Canada Mental Health Association).” Research has even shown that a lack of social connection is an even greater detriment to our health than obesity, smoking and high blood pressure (House et al., 1988). We need each other! Our physical and mental health depend on it. So while we are practicing social distancing, remember that maintaining social connection is paramount to our health. There are A LOT of ways to continue to build and strengthen our relationships. Here are just 30 ways I came up with. 
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Photo by bewakoof com official on Unsplash

30 Ways to Strengthen your Relationships While Practicing Social Distancing:

  1. Call a friend you’ve lost touch with
  2. Film yourself reading a book and send it to the children in your life
  3. Smile and wave from 6 feet away
  4. Leave anonymous supply items around your neighborhood
  5. Save money for a future outing or extravagant date
  6. Write an inspirational post on social media
  7. Use chalk to write words of encouragement around your neighborhood
  8. Make plans for a future trip
  9. Start a book club and meet via Zoom or Skype
  10. Start a ‘COVID-19 Coping’ text chat with your friends and share ideas of how to make the most of this situation
  11. Email your loved ones 
  12. Send a care package to someone who may be struggling
  13. Deep clean/organize your space so when this quarantine business subsides, you’ll be ready to socialize
  14. Ask your neighbors how they are doing and what you can do to help
  15. Dress up nice and have an indoor date night
  16. Try something new with a loved one – yoga, dancing, a new instrument…etc.
  17. Learn a language you’ve always wanted to so you can make even more connections
  18. Try a new recipe or cook an elaborate meal
  19. Create a game tournament with prizes
  20. Be active (indoor or outdoor)
  21. Call a loved one and tell them a joke
  22. Create a family or couple goal to work towards
  23. Write letters to the elderly people in your life
  24. Pray for your loved ones and their well-being during this difficult time
  25. Practice creativity! Write a musical piece, sketch, paint, knit, sew, build…etc.
  26. Turn up the tunes and have a dance party
  27. Read a book together (to a child or with a loved one)
  28. Camp indoors or in your backyard complete with a campfire and smores’
  29. Send a text and check in on a friend 
  30. Highlight the positive and make daily contact with loved ones through social apps (MarcoPolo, Whatsapp..etc.)
Personal Practice 1Choose a creative way to strengthen your relationships each day this week.

References

Griffiths, R., Horsfall, J., Moore, M., Lane, D., Kroon, V., & Langdon, R. (2007). Assessment of health, well-being and social connections: A survey of women living in Western Sydney. International Journal of Nursing Practice, 13(1), 3–13. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1440-172X.2006.00606.x
House, Landis, Umberson (1988). Social Relationships and health Science. Department of Epidemiology, University of Michigan, Ann Harbor. Vol. 241, Issue 4865, pp. 540-545 https://doi.org/10.1126/science.3399889
Kobayashi, K. M., Cloutier-Fisher, D., & Roth, M. (2009). Making meaningful connections: A profile of social isolation and health among older adults in small town and small city, British Columbia. Journal of Aging and Health, 21(2), 374–397. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0898264308329022
Thompson, T., Rodebaugh, T. L., Bessaha, M. L., & Sabbath, E. L. (2020). The association between social isolation and health: An analysis of parent–adolescent dyads from the Family Life, Activity, Sun, Health, and Eating Study. Clinical Social Work Journal, 48(1), 18–24. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10615-019-00730-2

 

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Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
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commUNITY, Power Couples

Top 5 Communication Skills for Forming Healthy Relationships

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Written by McKay Strong
Therapists say that communication is the number one reason that couples come to therapy. Luckily, good communication can be learned. It may take practice, but here are some tips to get you started:

1. Active listening

WE ARE ALL GUILTY OF THIS. Do not just sit there thinking of what you are going to say in response to what your partner is saying. The greatest thing is that this is such an amazing skill for all of the relationships in your life. If someone is telling you about how they got in a fight with their mom, you should be listening to how they feel, not just half-paying attention, half-solving the problem in your mind and inserting your unwanted opinion. This is key: if a person does not ask you for advice or a solution, DO NOT GIVE IT. Men especially like to be problem solvers, but a lot of the time, women just want to talk about their feelings.

2. Use facts, not opinions (and know the difference)

If you are in a conflict, be aware of how you are speaking. Relationship experts Drs Sherod and Phyllis Miller have created a fun visualization to help you do this in their “Couple Communication Awareness Wheel”. In their program, “Couple Communications” (2018), you are encouraged to separate between what is feeling, what is thought, what is a want, what is action, and what came through sensory data. These are all very, very different things. Just because you take something as fact in your story does not mean that it is fact, or that your loved one will perceive it in the same way.
Awareness Wheel
Awareness Wheel created by Drs Sherod and Phyllis Miller for their program, Couple Communications (2018).

3. Ask

This goes along well with active listening and really boils down to showing genuine interest in what your partner has to say. Express that interest throughout your conversation. Don’t interrupt when you shouldn’t be, but when it makes sense, ask for their perspective or for clarification. Take turns sharing points of view. There are many different ways to listen, but making sure that you are engaging in the conversation by showing genuine interest will help you master communication.

4. Reinforce and agree

Focus on what you agree on. The act of engaging in a difficult conversation alone is a pretty good sign that you want the relationship to succeed. That’s your first common ground. Let your partner know when you support what they are saying. Paraphrase what they are telling you so that you can make sure you’re on the same page. Reinforce their feelings – because they are as valid as yours are.
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

5. Intimacy

I’m not just talking about sex, people. There are so many different types of intimacy. Yes, sexual intimacy is one, but there is also physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, experiential intimacy, intellectual intimacy, and even spiritual intimacy. Each is important in its own way, and each is important to build a healthy relationship. Intimacy, in its simplest form, is trust. If you are able to trust your significant other with your emotions, your experiences, and your spirit, things will be okay. Working on building this trust in small ways over time will pay off in a big way as these conversations come about.
Finally, knowing the personality and communication style differences between you and a loved one can help you better be aware of the best means of communication. Being able to reach out to someone in the way that is best for them can help create a relationship of trust that good communication can only build upon.
Personal Practice 1Take one of the personality tests below with a loved one (whether your relationship is a romantic one or not) to strengthen your ability to communicate love and respect for one another.
o   Love Language Quiz
o   Myers-Briggs Personality Test
o   Big 5 Personality Test

References

Friston, K. J., Sajid, N., Quiroga-Martinez, D. R., Parr, T., Price, C. J., & Holmes, E. (2021). Active listening. Hearing Research, 399. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.heares.2020.107998
Meyer, J. C. (2014). Communication, relationships, and the choices we make. Southern Communication Journal, 79(3), 172–179. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/1041794X.2014.914420
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McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
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