10 Ways to Support a Loved One Through Coming Out

Cover Photo by Anna Selle on Unsplash

Written by Rian Gordon
June is Pride Month, which means that many individuals are taking the opportunity to share their authentic selves with their family and friends. “Coming out,” or accepting and self-disclosing one’s own sexual identity, is a difficult journey that can bring with it many challenges. A loved one’s reaction to someone coming out can heavily impact the way the LGBTQ+ individual perceives themselves and their sexual identity. It can also make or break the relationship (Mills-Koonce et al., 2018). So what can you do to be supportive of a friend or family member who has trusted you with this vulnerable part of themselves?

1. Learn About the LGBTQ+ Community

Research has suggested that parents who are familiar with and have had previous exposure to LGBTQ+ culture are more likely to react in a positive way to a child coming out (Heatherington & Lavner, 2008). Whether or not someone close to you has recently come out, find ways to get to know this vibrant community! Pride Month is a great time to do this as there are often many different community events taking place. You can also look for opportunities to volunteer with LGBTQ+ youth through organizations such as Encircle or The Trevor Project. Or maybe you’d like to try watching a tv show that centers LGBTQ+ individuals such as Queer Eye or Pose. If you do have friends or loved ones that you know are part of the LGBTQ+ community, consider asking them what organizations or efforts they are passionate about and how you can get involved. Regardless of how you choose to interact, focus on appreciating individuals for who they are and understanding that they are people just like you.
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2. Listen and Validate with Empathy

When someone you love self-discloses their sexual identity to you, the first thing you can do for this person is listen. Listen to their experience, and then try putting yourself in their shoes. Many LGBTQ+ individuals experience rejection and even abuse in coming out to friends and family (Mills-Koonce et al., 2018), so understand that this must have taken immense courage to tell you. Let them know how grateful you are that they would trust you with this information. Asking thoughtful questions or inviting them to share more of their experience or journey with you may also be appropriate depending on the situation and your relationship.

3. Show Love and Acceptance

What your loved one needs more than anything during this time is your love and acceptance. Understand that rejecting your loved one’s identity is likely to be perceived as a rejection of who they are, and “not just a criticism of something that they have done” (Mills-Koonce et al., 2018, p. 640). Assure them that they are important to you and that you will stand by them and be there for them no matter what. As time goes on, be sure that your actions reflect this sentiment and that you show up for your loved one.
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4. Deal with Your Own Grief

A common experience that accompanies a loved one’s coming out (particularly when that loved one is a family member) is grief. This can be due to feeling like there is something you could have done to prevent their LGBTQ+ identity, fearing for their safety or well-being, and coming to terms with a dramatic shift in expectations for their future (Tobkes & Davidson, 2016). It is important to realize that, while these feelings are normal and valid, they are not the responsibility of your loved one who is coming out. Consider seeking professional help to assist you in managing these difficult feelings. You can also seek support from others who have gone through similar experiences (a great resource is the Mama Dragons organization).

5. Don’t Try to Change Them

Using psychological control by attempting to change a loved one’s sexual identity is associated with some of the most negative outcomes for LGBTQ+ individuals (Mills-Koonce et al., 2018). Lecturing about religious beliefs, insisting that they give the matter more time and thought, and asking whether or not they have tried to “not be queer” is NOT helpful, and can cause serious psychological and relational damage. Be aware of the fact that your loved one has most likely thought about this much more than you have. Typically, an LGBTQ+ person has heavily considered their identity for quite some time before feeling ready to come out (Pew Research Center, 2019). Do your best to honor their thought process and trust that they know who they are better than you do.
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6. Avoid Tokenizing

It’s important to understand that the LGBTQ+ experience varies widely from identity to identity, and individual to individual. Just because you know other LGBTQ+ individuals does not mean that you understand your loved one’s unique experience. Focus on listening and learning about their journey, and avoid comparing them with others.

7. Be Respectful of Pronouns and Chosen Names

Pronouns and chosen names are important ways for an individual to assert and accept their sexual identity (University of Colorado Boulder, 2020). As such, respecting and correctly using the pronouns and names your loved one has identified for themself can be a valuable way to show them support and love. It can take practice to get used to referring to someone in a new way, so don’t hesitate to practice when you aren’t with your loved one. If you use an incorrect or old name/pronoun when referring to your loved one, don’t panic! Say thank you if someone has corrected you, use the correct name/pronoun, and move on. Making a bigger deal about your mistake can cause unnecessary discomfort for your loved one as they are placed in a position of having to comfort you and assert that “it’s alright” (University of Colorado Boulder, 2020).
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8. Be Accepting of Current or Future Partners

Being warm and welcoming to your LGBTQ+ loved one’s friends and future romantic partners is an important way to demonstrate your love and support for them. Do what you can to make your home a safe and welcoming place for your loved one and those they associate with.

9. Remember: A Person’s Sexuality is Just a Piece of Who They Are

Who your loved one is at their core has not changed. In fact, now that they have shared this piece of themselves with you, they probably feel more free to be their authentic self than they ever have before! Continue to nurture your relationship with your loved one, and don’t hesitate to enjoy together what you have always enjoyed.

10. Hang a Pride Flag

Hanging a Pride flag during the month of June (or all year round!) is a simple and clear way to show your loved one that you love them and that you celebrate their identity. Consider doing some research on the different identity flags so that you can really help them feel seen. So what are you waiting for? Let that rainbow flag fly!
If you haven’t already done so, seek to learn more about the LGBTQ+ community this week. Look into different organizations mentioned in #1 above.
* Thank you to Sarah Morris for her invaluable insights on the subject of this article.

References

Heatherington, L., & Lavner, J. A. (2008). Coming to terms with coming out: Review and recommendations for family systems-focused research. Journal of Family Psychology, 22(3), 329–343. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.22.3.329
Mills-Koonce, W. R., Rehder, P. D., & McCurdy, A. L. (2018). The significance of parenting and parent-child relationships for sexual and gender minority adolescents. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 28(3), 637-649. https://doi.org/10.1111/jora.12404
Pew Research Center. (2019, December 31). Chapter 3: The Coming Out Experience. Pew Research Center’s Social & Demographic Trends Project. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/06/13/chapter-3-the-coming-out-experience/. 
Tobkes, J. L., & Davidson, W. C. (2016, December 23). Why Some Parents Experience a Child’s Coming Out as a Loss. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/when-your-child-is-gay/201612/why-some-parents-experience-childs-coming-out-loss. 
University of Colorado Boulder. (2020, August 21). Pronouns. Center for Inclusion and Social Change. https://www.colorado.edu/cisc/resources/trans-queer/pronouns. 

 


Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she is currently pursuing an MS degree in Family and Human Development from Arizona State University.
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The Void — Reconnecting Part 2: Healing Together

Cover Photo by Mental Health America (MHA) from Pexels

Written by Dray Salcido
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Every individual matters. Every individual has a role to play. Every individual makes a difference.” –Jane Goodall
There’s a great discrepancy in human behavior. When asked, “what is most important to you?” most of us give responses relative to people and deeper meanings. “My children, my friends, my partner”, or “I’d like to make a difference in the world, to engage in important work, to help other people”, etc. When our actions don’t align with these values, we suffer emotionally and mentally. This is called cognitive dissonance. Understanding the way through cognitive dissonance and into heartful living may be the most important work we will do. Part 1 of this article discussed learning to accept our personal stories. To sit with ourselves and be okay with the inevitable, lonely times life brings is the first step toward wholeness. This second part of understanding the void explains that once you’ve taken that step of belonging to yourself, then you’ll generate authentic connections with those around you. Healing our inner worlds will prepare us to heal our communities as well. 

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Don’t Wait

Don’t wait for an easy fix out of emotional pain. There is a subtle difference between learned helplessness and vulnerability. Helplessness likes to play the victim, while vulnerability acknowledges what’s difficult, but true. Some of us confuse connection for codependency (Bacon et al., 2020). Acknowledge that to heal together and build thriving communities, we must first work on ourselves. The paradox is that the more you individualize your healing journey the more truly connected you’ll become to other people. You cannot displace your discomfort on others and call that connection or love. It’s avoiding accountability. It is selfish and prideful. Keep ownership of your struggles, and still ask for love and support—not for someone to take care of you. Don’t expect others to know how to respond. It would be nice if all people knew what to say, but the reality is they don’t. People are clumsy with uncomfortable topics and emotions. We have a lot of socialization to unlearn…so be patient with yourself and others. Time and effort will heal your pain. Find people that will cheer you on, or be a shoulder to cry on when the going gets rough. Don’t seek those that will try to take your pain from you, or keep you from suffering. Struggle is necessary, but we don’t have to do it alone.

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Give Back

According to Summerfield (2012), mental health can be more of a social issue than a medical one. He tells the story of a Cambodian farmer who became depressed after he’d lost his leg from a land mine explosion, and had to stop working in the rice fields. Upon recognizing his despondency, his neighbors and doctors comforted him and talked through his struggles. Together his community developed a plan to provide him a cow, so he could become a dairy farmer. The man’s despair eventually subsided because of the love he felt from his people, and when he found new purpose and meaningful work. We can learn three things from the story of this man. 
1) Listen. Show sincere care for people in their struggles, and comfort them. 
2) It takes effort and mental exertion to overcome our emotional struggles, or to work through grief. 
3) We are stronger together than we are apart.
Remember that giving of your attention and care is about the other person(s), not you. If you give with the expectation of receiving, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Not to mention your love is conditional. Help others because you love them and because it feels good to give. 

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Be You

Remember that there’s no one else like you. Shed the facade. Realize that you can’t do this work with a mask on. Humans have amazing, built in BS detectors. Stop lying to yourself and others, and just own your strengths and weaknesses. 
Connection and community are impossible when approached from the realm of fakeness (Hari, 2018). Have you made attempts for connection but still feel lonely? It could be that you’re not being real or authentic. This will also take practice. If you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore, ask trusted loved ones to shed some light on their perspective of you. This is a good starting point to authenticity, but remember that no matter what others say, you have to find that in yourself more than anything.
In conclusion, when we accept our own voids and the messiness of life then we’re ready to connect. Healing together requires many people choosing to heal themselves independently and loving each other for it. The best communities are built up of selfless yet self aware individuals with passions and dreams to do good. Be patient. Reach out and maintain accountability. Humans are social creatures that were never meant to be alone. You can do this important work, and inspire others to do the same.
This week get involved in the community. Try something that makes you uncomfortable. Become a volunteer at an agency with a population that you’d like to understand better. Take risks. Serve the homeless, volunteer with refugees, become a mentor, a tutor, etc. Do something that’s not about you, and you’ll find yourself in the process. Start and then keep trying to create vulnerable conversations. Be honest about your feelings, and avoid blaming. Remember: you’ll mess up and question yourself. Authentic communication takes time.

References

Bacon, I., McKay, E., Reynolds, F., & McIntyre, A. (2020). The lived experience of codependency: An interpretative phenomenological analysis. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 18(3), 754-771.
Hari, J. (2018). Lost connections: Uncovering the real causes of depression–and the unexpected solutions.
Summerfield, D. (2012). Afterword: Against “global mental health”. Transcultural psychiatry, 49(3-4), 519-530.

 


Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
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Exploring Racism, Unconscious Bias, and Systemic Racism

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Written by Allie Barnes
We’re publishing this article during Black History Month, though it is not specifically about the holiday. If you’d like to learn more about Black History Month, here is a video by PBS Kids to explain the significance of the month.
The Healthy Humans Project Mission is “to empower individuals and families by helping them develop skills to create and maintain personal wellness and healthy relationships.” To create truly healthy relationships, we sometimes have to face difficult truths. That’s what we’re doing today.
Let’s talk about racism.
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In 2020, racism came to the forefront of everyone’s minds in the United States—reflecting what many people already knew to be true: entire groups of people are experiencing discrimination. At this suggestion, a lot of other people—myself included—became defensive. Reactions included, “Black Lives Matter!” “All Lives Matter!” “Blue Lives Matter!” “I’m not racist!” and “#blackouttuesday,” amid a wave of “cancelling” people who perhaps were not responding as their followers had hoped they would.
I absolutely had a view on the matter, but mostly observed and listened—I knew I didn’t have the understanding or eloquence to say what I’d hope to say. I still don’t. But I do have a better understanding, and a lot of definitions!
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The Oxford Languages Dictionary defines racism as “prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against a person or people on the basis of their membership in a particular racial or ethnic group, typically one that is a minority or marginalized.” I used to view racism in a very clear cut way: Someone is either racist, or they are not. But as with many things, it’s not quite that simple.
I have since learned to break down racism into two categories: individual and systemic.
From there, I break down the “individual” category into two levels: racism, and bias. We’ve already touched on racism, so let’s look at unconscious (or implicit) bias.
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Individual Implicit Bias

At the 2021 Davis County 3rd Annual Community Resilience Symposium, Dr. Susan Madsen offered the following definitions:
Unconscious: “Occurring below the level of conscious thought; not intended, planned, or realized.”
Bias: “A tendency, preference, opinion, or inclination that results in judgement without question (prejudice, stereotyping).”
Unconscious Bias: “Mental connections or associations without awareness, intention, or control.”
Implicit Bias: “A generally understood, implied, unconscious, and typically unspoken prejudice.”
*(I tend to use these terms interchangeably, but I believe that “implicit bias” assumes that there is at least some level of understanding, whereas unconscious bias is “without awareness.”)
As a human being, I have unconscious biases. WE ALL DO. Biases are often influenced by media, culture, or upbringing. We are influenced by what we see and consume, and often there is little we can do to completely control this influence—but we can practice awareness. When we recognize our biases, we can be more aware of them in our interactions with others in our families, communities, workplaces, and in any of our other relationships. When we are aware of them, we can also work to counter those biases (more on that later in the article).
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Systemic Racism

At a systemic level, racism is built into the systems, organizations, and traditions that make up our society. This is often influenced by the bias—and sometimes blatant racism—of individuals. The book How to Be An Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi specifically focuses on countering racist policies, otherwise known as “systemic racism,” “institutional racism,” or “structural racism.” He offers the following definitions:
Racist: “One who is supporting a racist policy through their actions or inaction or expressing a racist idea.”
Antiracist: “One who is supporting an antiracist policy through actions or expressing an antiracist idea.”
Racial Inequity: “When two or more racial groups are not standing on approximately equal footing.”
*“Inequity” is defined by Oxford Language Dictionary as a “lack of fairness or justice.” To demonstrate racial inequity, Kendi shares the statistic that “71 percent of White families lived in owner-occupied homes in 2014, compared to 45% of Latinx families and 41 percent of Black families.”
Racist Policy: “Any measure that produces or sustains racial inequity between racial groups.”
Kendi continues, “By policy, I mean written and unwritten laws, rules, procedures, processes, regulations, and guidelines that govern people. There is no such thing as a nonracist or race-neutral policy. Every policy in every institution in every community in every nation is producing or sustaining either racial inequity or equity between racial groups.”
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In a Kennedy Center Lecture through Brigham Young University on February 3, 2021, Lori Spruance, an assistant professor of Public Health, stated that she takes time to research each policy before she votes on it, both at the local and national level. Many policies, she notes, do not seem blatantly racist, but still have aspects that may disadvantage certain groups. She shared about such a circumstance in Provo, Utah:
“In 2019, there was an item on the local ballot about passing a bond for the school district. The bond had several components to it but one included rebuilding [a local middle school] in a new area of town. The current [middle school] sits in one of the most resource-poor areas of the city, and the population of the middle school is 44% black, indigenous, and people of color, compared to the 26% statewide average. I could not in good conscience vote for this bill that would further divide inequities related to education… I spent time advocating against the bond and trying to educate some of my neighbors, who would have greatly benefited from the bond, about its possible effects on other communities. I encourage you to get involved, email your elected officials often, and let them know what racist policies you do not support. I think that is a great way to take action with Dr. Kendi’s words from [How to Be An Antiracist].”

What We Can Do

Racism can be subtle. Having not been affected by it, and having not been aware of it (both due to privilege), it can be easy to miss altogether. While much of the conversation has focused on the black community (and it is Black History Month, so we are also focusing on that today), many other minority populations are affected by racism, unconscious bias, and systemic racism. Recently, for example, there has been an increase in violence against the Asian American population. This is not okay—and I hope you already know that.
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Here are some ways to begin unraveling your own unconscious biases:
  1. When someone shares about their personal experience or feelings, believe them. Just because you haven’t experienced racism or noticed it in your community, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. If someone tells you they have been affected by racism, believe them.
  2. Educate yourself. Seek to learn more about different communities and the issues that affect them. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, as long as you are sincere—and don’t be offended if their answers or responses go against your current understanding or experience. Seek to increase your “pool of understanding” (as the book Crucial Conversations calls it). Here are a couple short YouTube videos to learn more about privilege and social inequalities:
  3. Create change in your home, community, and nation. Professor Spruance gave a great example of how to be involved in your community. For much more information on systemic racism, I recommend How to Be An Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi.
Photo by Kelly Lacy from Pexels
We cannot change the world in a day. But by increasing our awareness and our ability to love and support our neighbors more fully, we can begin making meaningful change in our own spheres of influence.
*Note: In the original article, we recommended readers take the Harvard Implicit Associations Test (IAT). We have since removed that recommendation. We are grateful to a reader for informing us that there is a lot of criticism toward the IAT, even by the creators themselves. While incredibly popular (according to an article on The Cut, millions of people have taken the test since 1998), the IAT has been found to be unreliable and inaccurate. The test can still be used as an educational tool, but should not be considered a diagnostic test. It is still important to be aware of racism and bias—two very real issues in our society.
Choose one of the action items found above to incorporate into your week!

References

Kendi, I. X. (2019). How to Be An Antiracist. Random House.

 


Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
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Love is Many Things…

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Written by Dray Salcido
“Love is the strangest, most illogical thing in the world.” -Jennifer E. Smith
Love is my middle name. No, seriously. I’ve always felt weird admitting that, because it seemed cheesy and somehow presumptuous. But, I’ve gained an appreciation for my name now. It is a reminder of the most important human capacity: to love. A lot has been written about love. It’s all conflicting and cliché, but true. This new year is a chance to bring what we’ve learned from 2020 into the present, and live truer, more beautiful lives. If you have any resolution, let it be love. 
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Don’t Judge it…

Poets and artists have described love in many ways. There is great love, brotherly love, true love, unrequited love, good love, passionate love, platonic love, real love, parental love, etc. A person’s feelings are real and their own. No one else can claim or define them. It’s been said that the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. So, if you feel an emotion other than apathy, perhaps it’s love. Rather than asking ourselves what is love, ask what feels real and true for me? (Doyle, 2020).
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Some loves we have no control over; our love is taken from us. Like a pet, high school sweetheart, or new born baby. And others we choose and keep choosing, like a spouse or long time friend. Does love at first sight exist? Maybe. Can you be in love and not know it? Perhaps. Do kindred spirits, soul-mates and bosom friends exist? It’s possible. Understanding love isn’t what matters. What matters is that we don’t let the mystery and uncertainty of our feelings keep us from living and loving. 

Don’t Stop It…

I recently read the following from the novel Possession which said, “My Solitude is my Treasure, the best thing I have. I hesitate to go out. If you opened the little gate, I would not hop away – but oh how I sing in my gold cage” (Byatt, 2012). Sometimes we put ourselves in cages, because it feels safer. We keep ourselves from feeling as a way to avoid future disappointment. Brené Brown calls this “foreboding joy” (Brown, 2015). Joy might be the most vulnerable emotion we experience because of the underlying dread that those feelings will end. We were never meant to feel good or safe all of the time. Most of us know this, but we tend to forget when the fear is intense. Stop trying to beat vulnerability to the punch, and be present. It’s okay to be deeply disappointed, just as it is okay to be wildly in love.
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Don’t Force It…

Have you ever stayed in a romantic relationship because it “made sense”? Your family loved them. You had a lot in common. Or, you just couldn’t think of a “good enough” reason to part ways. Maybe you’ve maintained friendships based on history, or you felt you’d be a bad person if you allowed yourself to drift apart. Sometimes we force love and relationships because we are too afraid to be alone or worried about what others will think. Don’t allow shame and insecurity to call the shots anymore. Because love makes no sense, it’s important to listen to your gut. Intuition is the best guide through the magical mess of love.
It was William Goldman who said, “Love is many things, none of them logical.” Love lies in the mystical, magical and creative realm. It is not born from or found among the critics or analysts. That’s not to say logic and reason are invalid. In fact, they help us make meaning and can improve our dysfunctional relationships. I mean love itself cannot be measured, replicated, collected, bought, controlled, analyzed or fully understood. Let go and embrace the beautiful ambiguity that is loving.
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Let go of fear and doubt. Inhibition just slows us down. Choose to believe that people are naturally good and believe in love. Stop over-thinking and perfecting, and just enjoy your life. Be so intoxicated with living, and in love with who you are. Give that joy to others, and love without condition. Then notice the colors that fill in the cracks as you watch your life transform.
1) When you forebode joy, breathe and remind yourself that you want to live big and claim your life; you will no longer be controlled by scarcity and fear. 
2) Say “I love you” more often. 
3) Get creative. Paint, write, dance, etc. Express yourself. Do more of what you love. 
4) If you have your life all planned out, be flexible and let go of the parts that keep you from enjoying the present.

References

Brown, B. (2015) Rising strong. Random House.
Byatt, A. S. (2012) Possession: A romance. Random House.
Doyle, G. (2020). Untamed. Belichi Ogugua.

 

 


Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
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Caregiving and Connection: Tips for Strengthening Relationships with Aging Adults

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Written by Emma Smith
Many of us have heard the sarcastic phrase “ok, boomer” uttered in reference to advice given by a member of the baby boomer generation. Babies born between 1946 and 1964 as part of this baby boomer generation were plentiful, especially when compared to present day. Below, we see a population pyramid from 1960 and below that, we see a pyramid from 2019. The population boom that occurred with the baby boomers is evidenced by the bulge in the number of people age 0-14 in the 1960 pyramid. Now, in the 2019 pyramid, we see no such distribution. In fact, we see the opposite. There is a tapering in the population, with the number of children being less than the number of adults, particularly aging adults like our beloved “boomers”. 

1960 Pop Pyramid

2019 Pop PyramidCaregiving to Aging Parents

The question many may ask is, “so what?” What does an aging population mean for those of us who are not yet in that stage of life? For a percentage of the population it means that their parents are aging and approaching, if not already in, the stage of life that requires more care and attention. For about 25% of the population, having aging parents also means caring for aging parents (Hyer, Mullen & Jackson, 2017). That was 25% of the U.S. population in 2017; as the baby boomer generation reaches the age that caregiving is needed the percentage will only increase.
Caregiving for an aging parent can be both difficult and rewarding. It was found that the role of caregiving for an aging parent became a real emotional strain only when the role of caregiving became all-consuming (Dautzenberg et al., 1999). In other words, caregiving became the only role of the adult child. Singer, Lena Horne put it this way; “It is not the load that breaks you down. It’s the way you carry it.” If an adult child were to take the full load of caregiving upon their shoulders without having an outlet or a moment to step away, the load could break the caregiver down. The need to take a break can cause some guilt in caretakers and even the most devoted caregivers can feel resentful, depressed, or even angry about their role (Hyer, Mullen & Jackson, 2017). These effects can be lessened or even eliminated by allowing breaks in the caretakers’ lives.
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Caring for adult parents can also be a financial hardship. The level of care needed may require an adult child to retire from work to provide full-time care for an aging parent. That’s if the aging parent is able to remain at home and in the family’s care; the average annual cost of a family member in a nursing home is between $89,297 and $100,375 annually, and unfortunately, these rates are expected to rise (Witt & Hoyt, 2019). This stage of life may often coincide with the children of the caregiver attending and needing financial help in college, all of which create a great financial strain.
Caring for aging parents is not without rewards. Many adult children report caregiving as a rewarding opportunity to reconnect with parents and feel as though they are giving back (Miller et al., 2008). In addition, the presence of grandparents as a result of caregiving fosters emotional closeness with their grandchildren. Emotional closeness to grandparents is associated with an increase in empathy and kind acts towards others in adolescents (Attar-Schwartz & Khoury-Kassabri, 2016). Aging adults needing care in the home are an opportunity to nurture relationships that can be a blessing to your family. Older adults often have so much that they want to teach and share with their families. Theorist Erik Erikson suggested this desire to share and concern for the next generations is innate in middle age and older adults (Erikson, 1982). Older adults have so much to offer.
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Coming Closer through Caregiving

Now, if I could get personal for a moment. I’ve got a soft spot for the elderly, my grandparents in particular, and they are amazing. However, it’s fairly common for younger people to feel uncomfortable around older adults. Is bingo the only thing they like to do? Here are a few tips for strengthening your connections with the older people in your life:
  1. Get them talking!
It’s totally normal to not really be sure what to say around someone who is significantly older than you are. What do they even like to talk about? Honestly, anything. My grandparents will talk about anything and everything, and as it turns out, we have plenty to discuss because they were young once too! My Oma (grandma) remembers what it was like to have a boyfriend and what her wedding day was like. My Opa (grandpa) remembers amazing stories from his life emigrating to the US from Germany and enlisting in the army. Talk to them about anything in your life and ask them about what their lives have been like – they probably have a LOT of wisdom, stories, and memories to share. 
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Photo by Rene Asmussen from Pexels
  1. Find out common likes and dislikes
As for the bingo, while that might be something they enjoy, I can guarantee that it’s not the only thing. Just because a person gets older doesn’t mean they lose interest in their favorite hobbies! Do they like movies? Cooking? Cycling? Stand-up comedy? Find out what they love and do it with them. You may even find out that you have a lot in common! As for my grandparents, they both still love swimming, going to the beach, making dinners, and playing Rummikub. 
  1. See what you can teach each other
It is very likely that the older people in your life have learned a thing or two over their lifetime. It is also likely that you may know a few things that they haven’t yet had the chance to learn about. Look for opportunities to teach and learn from each other. My Opa tinkered with car engines until he couldn’t crawl under a car anymore and he still tells us all what to do with our cars when we go to him for his expertise.
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Photo by Edu Carvalho from Pexels
Now is the time to evaluate our interactions with others, particularly the “boomers”. Rather than responding tiredly with “ok, boomer” we can respond compassionately and conversationally and create connections and relationships that we all long for. Leo Buscaglia put it this way, “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” Let us all seek to fulfill our potential to touch the lives of others, particularly those in the aging portion of the population. Spending these parcels of time with them is more precious than you know.
Personal Practice 1Test out one of the tips for connecting with one of the elderly people in your life!

References

Attar-Schwartz, S., & Khoury-Kassabri, M. (2016). The moderating role of cultural affiliation in the link between emotional closeness to grandparents and adolescent adjustment difficulties and prosocial behavior. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 86(5), 564-572. https://doi.org10.1037/ort0000195
Dautzenberg, M. G. H., Diederiks, J. P. M., Philipsen, H., Tan, F. E. S. (1999). Multigenerational caregiving and well-being: Distress of middle-aged daughters providing assistance to elderly parents. Women & Health, 24(4), 57-74, https://doi.org/10.1300/J013v29n04_04
Erikson, E. H. (1982). The life cycle completed: Review. New York: Norton.
Geriatrics Workforce By the Numbers. (n.d.). Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.americangeriatrics.org/geriatrics-profession/about-geriatrics/geriatrics-workforce-numbers
Hyer, L., Muller, C. M., & Jackson, K. (2017). The unfolding of unique problems in later life families. In G. L. Welch & A. W. Harrist (Eds.) Family resilience and chronic illness: Interdisciplinary and translational perspectives (pp. 197-224). New York: Springer.
Miller, K. I., Shoemaker, M. M., Willyard, J., & Addison, P. (2008). Providing care for elderly parents: A structural approach to family caregiver identity. Journal of Family and Communication, 17, 3-26, https://doi.org10.1080/15267430701389947
Witt, S., & Hoyt, J. (2019, June 22). Nursing Home Costs in 2020 by State and Type of Care. Retrieved June 10, 2020, from https://www.seniorliving.org/nursing-homes/costs/

 

 


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Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma is currently a Family Life major with an emphasis in social work at BYU. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
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