Attachment Theory and How It Affects Our Romantic Relationships

Cover Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash 

Written by Laura Parry, Licensed Clinical Social Worker 

What Is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory originated with John Bowlby in the late 1950’s. At its core, it is basically the assumption that infants form bonds with their early caregivers and that bond can serve as a template for future relationships. The theory was furthered by Mary Ainsworth who studied children and parents. Her work on the “strange situation” study formed the basis for three different types of attachment in children. Ainsworth’s experiment involved mothers and children playing in a room, the mothers leaving and later returning, then observing the responses of the children. The types of attachment she observed were:

1. Anxious-avoidant: The children showed little distress upon the parent leaving, and paid little attention when they came back. It was later found through studying the heart rates of the children that they were in fact experiencing some distress, but only showed indifference.  

2. Secure: The child may protest when the parent leaves, but recovers. The child shows happiness in reuniting when the parent comes back. 

3. Anxious-resistant: Children showed distress and clinginess even before the parent left, were distressed and nervous after they left, and continued showing signs of distress when they returned.

In the 1980’s, attachment theory began to be applied more to adult relationships. When talking about adult attachment we most commonly refer to the three styles as secure, anxious, and avoidant. Less often, people may be classified as a fourth type: a combination of anxious and avoidant. 

1. Secure adults feel fairly confident most of the time that their needs will be met. They tolerate vulnerability and a range of emotions in their partnerships. 

2. Anxious adults are unsure their needs will be met and thus demonstrate clingy behaviors in partnerships. They may want to be closer to people than people want to be to them. 

3. Avoidant adults are also unsure their needs will be met and come off as indifferent or hyper-independent. People may want to be closer to them than they want to be to people. 

What Is My Style and How Does It Affect My Romantic Relationships? 

There are a lot of online resources and quizzes for determining your attachment style. The book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love also has a quiz available. 

You may be mostly secure in your relationships but tend toward an anxious or avoidant style when a stressor is introduced in your relationship. Attachment style is not something that is totally fixed and can never be changed, but you probably entered your current relationship with a template of sorts. The relationship you had with your parents and your attachment or bond with each is part of that template; the relationship you watched your parents have with each other is part of that template; and your past romantic relationships are part of that template. Attachment is one piece of the puzzle in figuring out why you are the way you are.

By taking a step back and analyzing attachment, we can understand our behaviors and have an easier time changing those behaviors if we want to. For example, say I know I’m prone to an anxious style of attachment and my partner hasn’t told me lately how they’re feeling about our relationship, or about me. I might start wondering if they really care about me and call repeatedly until they answer, or start insisting they don’t go out with friends to spend more time with me. I’m worried my needs might not be met and anxious behaviors are my protest. If I know I am prone to an avoidant style, I might avoid conversations about my partner’s deep feelings, or just try to smooth things over instead of bringing up difficult topics. I might avoid letting my partner see the deepest parts of myself because I’m worried my needs might not be met and avoidant behaviors are my protest. Knowing these behaviors may be part of an old pattern can help me release the fears that drive them, and create a new dynamic in my relationship.  

Is Attachment Something I Should Overcome or Change?

Attachment isn’t a moral issue, just an awareness issue. If you know you are anxious or avoidant it doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you! It’s just good information to have on your relationship journey. Certainly we all want to feel good in our relationships and moving into a more secure style with our partner can be a goal, but it’s not a moral imperative. Some tips for creating a more secure attachment in your relationship include:

1. Openly discuss attachment with your partner and know each other’s styles. Create new language to talk about what you’re learning about attachment and why you act the way you do. For example, “That’s my anxious side talking!” or “I’m tempted to shove this under the rug but it’s probably not the best thing to do.”

2. Work your way through John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House with your partner. Investing in the foundation of your relationship will calm everyone’s anxieties about having their needs met. 

3. Practice assertively asking to have your needs met.

4. Actively develop empathy for your partner, their needs and attachment style. Understand why they are the way they are. Ask them sincere questions about how you can meet their needs. Make the most generous assumptions possible about your partner and their motives. 

Understanding attachment theory in your life and relationships can be very rewarding and validating. As author and therapist Harville Hendix has said, “We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship.” As we study attachment, we can access this healing for ourselves and our relationships.

Take a quiz to help figure out your attachment style. If you have a partner, you can also choose one of the above tips to practice together this week.

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: a psychological study of the strange situation. Hillsdale, N.J. : New York: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Cassidy,  J. (1999). Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research and Clinical Applications. New York: Guilford Press.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.

Levine, A. &, Heller, R. (2010) Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find-and keep-love. Penguin US. 

Laura Parry is a licensed clinical social work in private practice in Lehi, UT. She graduated with a Master’s in Social Work from the University of Utah. She is certified in treating perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMH-C) and also specializes in couples counseling. She lives in Lehi with her husband, 3 kids, 2 cats, and 1 dog, and when that’s not keeping her busy she loves reading, writing, and hiking.