Are We Still in Love? Navigating Romance After the Honeymoon

Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer

The honeymoon is over. A few months pass. The sex begins to be a little less frequent, and you no longer want to spend every minute of the day with your partner. You have your first argument. Your partner stops sending you those cheesy texts while you’re at work. You stop cooking as much. Both of you shower and shave a little less. Marriage is not as fun as it used to be.

So the big question is, are you falling out of love?

And the answer is, no. You’ve just hit reality.

Reality in romantic relationships looks a little different for everyone.

 The honeymoon phase can last anywhere from six months to eighteen months, and after that, reality hits and you realize that your perfect partner, is actually not perfect. And the butterflies go away. They aren’t even replaced by moths. They’re just gone.

Now the good news, is that after the reality phase, there is this vitality phase where the dust settles, and what’s left is this beautiful, natural, and organic relationship that for the most part has a general, steady flow to it. It is solid, and reliable, and comfortable. But how do you get there? How do you get through the reality phase?

It’s important to remember that you have not fallen out of love. Love is a choice, anyway. It is a stage, and if you remember to choose love, it will pass. Here are some suggestions to help you.

1. Remember to choose your relationship every day.

Love is a choice, and it does take work. That does not mean it is forced. It is life. My husband and I have made three commitments to each other, and they have made all the difference:

1. We will never hold sex against each other.

2. We will always sleep in the same bed, no matter how angry we are. (No sleeping on the couch!)

3. Divorce is a swear word and is not even to be joked about.

You chose to enter this relationship. Now you need to choose to stay in it. By choosing your relationship, you consciously choose to put your relationship above yourself, and your partner commits to do the same.

2. Listen.

As a couple moves through the reality phase, issues surface. People realize that there are things that drive them a little crazy. They also realize that there are some topics they are not on the same page about. It is important to slow down, listen to what the other person is saying, and try to truly understand their perspective. Validation, empathy and vulnerability are also important here.

3. Focus on the positive.

Negativity will arise. After all, you’ve discovered that your partner is not perfect. And they have discovered the same about you. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in what is going wrong. But as a couple remembers the good things – why they love each other, and what they love most about being in that relationship, questions about whether or not they are still in love dissipate.

4. Nurture your romance.

Your romance has to be nurtured or it will die. We have some suggestions for that too.

1. Keep courting your partner. I know that is an old fashioned word, but I mean it. Court your partner. So many people stop consistently dating when they get married and begin living together, especially when there are children in the mix. But it is so important to make time for dates. Take turns planning dates, and make sure you are getting at least five hours a week of quality couple time.

2. Add variety. When nothing ever changes, the relationship can become stale. Try a new restaurant, or turn on some music while you are cleaning the house together. Do something different. Add variety to your sex too. Changes in music, lighting, clothing, location and even positions and intensity can go a long way. Lengthening the foreplay is also important. In some area of your life, change something. Do something different.

3. Do the little things. In the end, it is the little things that can make the biggest difference. For example, last week, my husband and I were texting back and forth a little while I was at work. I told him that I was tired. My husband pays attention, and knew that I had been wanting to try a new energy drink that had just come out. He surprised me by showing up at work to bring me one. And a clean house is important to my husband, so I clean with him, but also make sure that on my day off, I do at least one thing without being asked to improve the state of the house.

There are certainly many other things – the possibilities are endless. Remember that the most important thing is not to give up. Reality does not mean you has fallen out of love – it is just reality. Keep going. Find your own ways to maintain your relationship. Remember, you and your partner get to create your relationship. Create a beautiful one.

References

Khoury, C. B., & Findlay, B. M. (2014). What makes for good sex? The associations among attachment style, inhibited communication and sexual satisfaction. Journal of Relationships Research, 5. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1017/jrr.2014.7

Marshall, D. W., & Anderson, A. S. (2000). Who’s responsible for the food shopping? A study of young Scottish couples in their “honeymoon” period. The International Review of Retail, Distribution and Consumer Research, 10(1), 59–72. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/095939600342406

Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.