Nearly anywhere we look, we can find lots of marriage advice – some good, some bad.
The quality and applicability of that advice varies based on source, but also simply because each relationship is unique. While some advice may be worth trying, the worst marriage advice is an age old comment.
“Never go to bed angry.”
This adage, repeated again and again, has some fundamental problems.
It suggests that in the face of conflict, one should resolve it in all circumstances, and be able to restore peace of mind before going to sleep. In theory, this sounds like a good idea. But it isn’t that simple.
When two people are engaged in a conflict, it is easy for emotions to run high, and that is normal. But late at night, when both parties are tired, those emotions run even higher and it is more difficult to be realistic and problem-solve. We are more likely to say something we will regret.
On the other hand, after a good night’s sleep – in the same bed – when both parties have been able to take a break and regulate their emotions, the conflict resolution can continue and is more likely to be resolved rationally and appropriately. Then the problem will not feel so overwhelming.
Photo by Maksym Tymchyk on Unsplash
Here is the one exception: going to bed should not be an excuse or a way to avoid your partner. This practice is not an avoidant one. Quite the opposite. It requires both parties to actively choose to take a break and resume the conversation in the morning. The attitude of “I’m just going to bed because I am done with you” will not work. It has to be an attitude of “We are both tired and upset. Let’s take a break and sleep it off. We’ll figure this out in the morning.” You’ll find that with the right attitude, the problem seems much smaller in the morning.
Doing this demonstrates an attitude of us vs. problem instead of you vs. me, and will help you preserve your marriage and the connection you each share.
During this, partners must sleep in the same bed. When one is required to sleep on the couch, it builds feelings of resentment and creates disconnection. Even in the face of conflict, partners can and must share their bed. By doing so, they demonstrate that their focus in the face of conflict is not on winning, but on solving the problem and fighting for their marriage.
In the face of your next evening conflict, practice this. Let us know how it goes!
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
In the face of your next evening conflict, practice this. Let us know how it goes!
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
