Cover Photo by Gustavo Fring from Pexels
Written by Emma Smith
When we were little, “please” was the “magic word” that unlocked the endless possibilities of candy, cookies, and a myriad of other highly coveted items in the world of a child. As we progressed to adulthood, saying “please” has become a habit (hopefully) for many of us. So, now that we are grown, are there still “magic words” that can help us to achieve our ultimate goals? I say yes, and in many situations these words are “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you.”
While a potentially simple fix, apologizing and forgiving can be incredibly difficult. Apologies and forgiveness require humility which requires an absence of pride. Pride and humility are by definition opposites. Humility is defined as “the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one’s own importance, rank, etc.” (dictionary.com). Pride, on the other hand, is defined as “a high or inordinate opinion of one’s own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.” (dictionary.com). It can be difficult to let go of this cherished mindset and view of self, but I promise that it is worth it.
Potential Benefits of Humility
Several studies in recent years have examined the potential benefits of humility in relationships. The results of one such study suggested that when both partners in a couple are humble, both the partners reported lower levels of depression, less stress, and greater relationship satisfaction following a stressful event (Van Tongeren et al., 2017). Another study implies that when a partner engages in the relationship unselfishly, the partner is viewed as humble and the relationship is viewed as a good investment which then could increase relationship quality (Farrell et al., 2015). Viewing one’s partner as humble, whether they are or not, could also have a positive effect on the relationship. As many world religions uphold humility as a virtue, it then logically follows that if a partner is viewed as possessing a positive attribute, there would then be better relationship outcomes (Chelladurai et al., 2021).
Developing Humility to Benefit Our Relationships
These recent studies tell us that it certainly would not hurt to work to develop humility within ourselves for the benefit of our relationships. This then begs the question, what can we do to develop humility? As previously established, humility is held as a virtue in religions. I would suggest that one of the possible ways to develop humility can be found in a religious source, the Holy Bible. In Matthew 26:22, the apostles ask Christ a very important question when they learn of the future betrayal of their Master by one of them: “Lord, is it I?”
I would suggest that we ask a similar question of ourselves when we encounter problems in our relationships. We can ask ourselves, “What is my part in this issue? Might I be at fault here?” Even asking these simple, yet important questions can help us change our point of view, thus increasing objectivity and helping us find truth more easily (Warner, 2016). Taking a step back and looking at the situation as a whole can help us see all the parts of the problem, rather than just seeing our partner as the problem.
Learning to Apologize Effectively
Once we have asked ourselves what our part in the issue was and, ideally, recognize our part, then we can take a step towards our partners in love and apologize. We know both from life experience and research that apologies are an effective fix for injured feelings (Kirchhoff et al., 2012). What we don’t always know though, is how to effectively apologize. While the level of apology required will vary widely depending on the couple and the severity of the offense, there are some general guidelines to follow when making an apology. First, emotions should be conveyed and fault should be admitted (Kirchhoff et al., 2012). For example: “I feel terrible. I realized halfway through work today that it is our anniversary.” Then, state the apology and, if appropriate (read the room), offer an explanation (Kirchhoff et al., 2012). Continued example: “I know how much this anniversary meant to you and I am so sorry I missed it. I was so wrapped up in the project I had due tonight that I didn’t think of what day it was.”
Creating your apology around the simple guides of conveying emotions, admitting fault, stating your apology, and attempting an explanation will lay the groundwork for you and your partner to move forward in your relationship to repair the damage and hurt. It certainly is not always easy to apologize but it is well worth it. Research suggests that a well formed apology can aid in forgiveness, reduce anger, and help heal the relationship (Kirchhoff et al., 2012).
Focusing on a Repair Attempt
While a well formed apology is incredibly helpful in the healing process of the relationship, repair attempts are also important (Khalaf, 2021). A repair attempt after a disagreement can come in many forms. I suggest choosing the kind of repair attempt based on the love language of your partner. For example, if your partner’s love language is physical touch, then perhaps after apologizing, you can offer a hug, kiss, or another physical sign of affection to your partner as a repair attempt to aid in healing. If your partner’s love language is acts of service, serve them. If their love language is gifts, buy a small gift. Know your partner and know what helps them feel loved and this will greatly aid in repair attempts.
As with most worthwhile endeavors, humility and apologizing are not easy, but they will get easier over time and with practice. When encountering problems in a relationship, take the time to ask “Might I be at fault here?” and when you are able to identify your part in the problem, own it and apologize. It may be difficult to swallow pride and admit guilt, but in the end, which would you rather have: Your pride, or your relationship?
Re-read this article and choose one of the questions (or think of your own) that will help you dive deeper into your own humility in relationships. For example, “May I be at fault here?” or “How can I make a repair attempt in one of my relationships?”
References
Chelladurai, J. M., Kelley, H. H., Marks, L. D., & Dollahite, D. C. (2021). Humility in family relationships: Exploring how humility influences relationships in religious families. Journal of Family Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000860
Dictionary.com. (2021). Humility. Dictionary.com. https://www.dictionary.com/browse/humility.
Dictionary.com. (2021). Pride. Dictionary.com. https://www.dictionary.com/browse/pride.
Farrell, J. E., Hook, J. N., Ramos, M., Davis, D. E., Van Tongeren, D. R., & Ruiz, J. M. (2015). Humility and relationship outcomes in couples: The mediating role of commitment. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 4(1), 14–26. https://doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000033
Kirchhoff, J., Wagner, U., & Strack, M. (2012). Apologies: Words of magic? The role of verbal components, anger reduction, and offence severity. Peace and Conflict: Journal of Peace Psychology, 18(2), 109–130. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0028092
Khalaf, D. and C. (2021, March 30). How to Make Repair Attempts So Your Partner Feels Loved. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/make-repair-attempts-partner-feels-loved/#:~:text=A%20repair%20attempt%20is%20any,weapon%20of%20emotionally%20intelligent%20couples
Van Tongeren, D. R., Hook, J. N., Ramos, M. J., Edwards, M., Worthington, E. L., Davis, D. E., … Osae-Larbi, J. A. (2017). The complementarity of humility hypothesis: Individual, relational, and physiological effects of mutually humble partners. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 14(2), 178–187. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2017.1388433
Warner, C. T. (2016). Doing the right thing. In Bonds that make us free: healing our relationships, coming to ourselves (pp. 227–229). Shadow Mountain.
Emma Smith
