Cover photo by Jack Sparrow from Pexels
Written by Rian Gordon
If you are in a relationship, chances are, you and your partner have disagreements. But how do you keep those disagreements from turning into flat-out fights?
Would you believe me if I told you that the success of an argument starts even before you’ve brought up a disagreement? In a research study by John Gottman and Sybil Carrèr, they discovered that the majority of arguments end on the same note they start on (1999). In other words, a rocky start will most likely lead to a rocky end. This doesn’t mean that you are doomed if you start a disagreement off on the wrong foot, but it DOES mean that there are things you can do to help set a discussion with your partner up for success!
The key to this is what is known as a soft start-up. A soft start-up involves beginning the conversation in a way that facilitates an open mind and heart for both you and your partner. It encourages safe and healthy communication rather than causing defensiveness and frustration. Soft start-ups are excellent for developing trust and emotional connection in your relationship as you navigate differences and the ups-and-downs of everyday life.
Here are a few elements of soft start-ups that you can practice using in conversations with your partner to help you have more successful conversations when you disagree.
Setting
The setting in which you bring up a disagreement can make or break your ability to have a productive conversation with your partner (Prep Inc.. 2015)! Before you bring up a disagreement, consider these questions:
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Are we in a place where both my partner and I can feel safe (physically AND emotionally)?
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Is my partner distracted right now?
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Do we have an appropriate level of privacy for the conversation I would like to have?
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Is either of us extra tired or hungry?
It isn’t always possible to create or wait for a perfect setting in which you and your partner can have a calm and effective conversation. However, discussing a disagreement in a time and place that are more conducive to healthy communication can set the stage for a softer start-up and more productive results.
Body language
The way you say something is just as (if not more) important than what you say when it comes to bringing up a disagreement (Mlodinow, 2012). Your body language does a lot to set the tone for any conversation. Practice using body language that communicates your desire to connect with and feel understood your partner:
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Facing your partner
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Maintaining eye contact
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Open, relaxed posture (closing off physically can be a sign of closing off emotionally)
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Gentle, consensual physical touch (holding hands, placing your hand on your partner’s knee, etc.)
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Using a calm tone of voice
Actual Words
When you engage in a disagreement with your partner, it is important to express yourself clearly, and in a way that encourages engagement from your partner. This does NOT mean that you have to be dishonest about how you are feeling. However, there are ways in which you can present your personal feelings and experiences that invite your partner to listen and connect with you rather than getting defensive or shutting down.
Try implementing these principles when you are beginning a difficult conversation with your partner:
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Take responsibility for your feelings
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Use statements that begin with “I” rather than “you” (These are known as “I statements”).
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Complain, don’t criticize
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Complaining involves identifying a specific behavior that bothers you. Criticizing involves attacking the character of your partner.
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Express appreciation
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Chances are, even if they are doing something that bothers you, there is something you can find to appreciate about your partner. Verbalizing this can help your partner know that you still recognize and appreciate how they ARE meeting your expectations, not just how they are falling short.
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Be kind
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This one speaks for itself.
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Everyone wants to feel heard and listened to in their relationship, and using soft start-ups can help both you and your partner to feel more open to listening to and learning from each other, even when it comes to difficult conversations.
Try implementing one or more of these elements of a soft start-up in a conversation with your partner this week. Notice how the rest of your conversation goes.
References
Carrère, S., & Gottman, J. M. (1999). Predicting divorce among newlyweds from the first three minutes of a marital conflict discussion. Family process, 38(3), 293–301. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.1999.00293.x
Jon Beaty, C. (2020, April 21). A Couple’s Guide to Complaining. Retrieved July 11, 2020, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/a-couples-guide-to-complaining/
Lisitsa, E. (2018, November 21). How to Fight Smarter: Soften Your Start-Up. Retrieved July 10, 2020, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/softening-startup/?utm_source=instagram
Mlodinow, L. (2012, May 29). How We Communicate Through Body Language. Retrieved July 11, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/subliminal/201205/how-we-communicate-through-body-language
Prep Inc.. (2015). PREP 8.0 Leader Guide, Version 1.3. Greenwood Village, CO: Author.
Rogers, S.L. and Others. (2018) I understand you fell that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict. Retrieved March 14, 2019, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5961625/
