According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, one in five U.S. adults will experience the effects of a mental illness in a given year (2020). That means, whether or not you are currently living with a mental illness, you most likely know someone who is! Speaking from experience, mental illness can feel lonely, isolating, and hopeless at times, so the more we can learn and rally together to support those who live with these conditions, the less alone we will all feel (remember, connection goes both ways!).
Here are five ways that you can support someone you love who is living with a mental illness:
1. Believe/validate them
Unless you have lived through it yourself, it can be difficult to understand what it’s like dealing with a mental illness. However, this does not mean that you cannot 1) believe that what someone is experiencing is very real and difficult for them, 2) have empathy for someone who is struggling. Being told, “it’s all in your head”, “can’t you just get over it?”, or “just try to look on the bright side”, is incredibly frustrating and disheartening, and can discourage someone from getting the help that they need in a very real way. As a skill, empathy requires us to feel with someone and to put ourselves in their shoes, even if we ourselves have not experienced what they have. And even though you may not have a diagnosable mental illness, chances are you have experienced a time when your mental health was not exactly where you would like it to be. When someone you love is struggling with their mental health, seek to have empathy, and let them know that you believe what they are experiencing, even if you don’t understand it perfectly.
2. Do not define them by their mental illness
I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder at the age of 20. A diagnosis was helpful for me because it gave me a name for what I had been experiencing my whole life. It increased my vocabulary for sharing with others what I was feeling, and helped me to receive the treatment and help that I needed to thrive with my particular illness. Research has shown, however, that diagnoses aren’t always particularly helpful for individuals, or for those who know/ work with/ or are even treating them. One research study found that labels such as “borderline personality disorder” or “schizophrenia” are particularly problematic because they can cause clinicians to develop assumptions about a patient that may or may not actually be true (Lam, Salkovskis, & Hogg, 2015).
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
While it is critical to look at diagnoses as windows into what someone may be experiencing rather than as an instruction manual that works the same for each diagnosed individual, I have found that general labels such as “broken”, or “damaged” are even more harmful than incorrect assumptions based on a diagnosis. Labels such as these can make the person dealing with the mental illness feel less-than, worthless, and beyond hope. As someone who deals with mental illness every day, I have always preferred to tell others that I am living with a mental illness rather than suffering from one. While mental illness can and does have a large impact on many aspects of an individual’s life, having one does not mean that it defines every moment of every day, much less who someone is as a person. Regardless of a diagnosis, you can learn to truly LIVE with a mental illness. Your life can be just as fulfilling, meaningful, and full of joy and connection as those who do not deal with this particular struggle. Unfairly labeling others or yourself in a way that limits your potential is not helpful, and is not something that we should practice in any capacity.
3. Ask open-ended questions
For centuries, fear and stigma have surrounded the topic of mental illness, and we are still living with the effects of this today. Many people worry that talking about someone’s mental illness is uncomfortable, taboo, shameful, or even that it may aggravate the issue (which research has shown is not actually the case) (Dazzi, Gribble, Wessely, & Fear, 2014). Different individuals will certainly have different preferences about how they like to discuss their own mental illness, but you can usually key in on many of these preferences just by getting to know them and observing how they talk about it in their everyday life. If you are unsure, the BEST way to learn about how you can support your loved one is by asking them how they would like to be supported!
When I first met my husband, Mark, I had just come home 14 months early from a service mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints due to severe anxiety and depression. I was on medication, in the middle of therapy, and still working on recovering from the experience. But one of the things that impressed me the most about Mark was that he was not afraid to ask thoughtful and respectful questions in order to better understand what I was going through! He asked things like, “How does that feel?”, “What do you like about therapy?”, and “What helps you feel most safe?” He would then listen carefully and respond in ways that were empathetic, understanding, and encouraging.
Photo by Kenan Buhic on Unsplash
Asking respectful, thoughtful, and kind open-ended questions is an excellent way to better understand your loved one dealing with a mental illness, and the more we talk about it, the more permission we give to others to talk about it.
4. Encourage them to ask for help
Personally, I believe that EVERYONE should seek out professional help for their mental health. Life is hard, and we all have struggles that could benefit from unbiased outside help! Many people do not share in this belief, however, since there is still a lot of societal and cultural stigma surrounding therapy, medication, and other forms of mental health treatment. One way that we can support our loved ones with mental illness is to normalize asking for help, both from professionals and from trustworthy friends and family members. Let your loved one know that asking for help is a sign of strength, not of weakness, and consider spending time researching with them local resources that can help them when they are struggling. If someone is suicidal or going to harm themself, don’t hesitate to call 9-1-1 and get immediate help.
5. Know your limits
It is NOT your job to solve your loved one’s mental health struggles. Setting healthy boundaries and limits for how you can help someone you love is an important way for you to stay healthy, and for them to be able to actually get the help they need. Don’t feel guilty if you can’t answer a phone call at 1 a.m. or rush over to hold a friend in the middle of a panic attack. Beating yourself up or holding yourself to unrealistic expectations is not good for YOUR mental health, and is not helpful for you or your loved one. Do what you can, seek to connect them with resources that CAN be there for them in those moments, and respect your own limits.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
In any situation where we are trying to support those we love and strengthen our connections with them, it’s important to remember that people usually just want to feel loved, heard, and understood. It’s the same with our loved ones who live with mental illness. The more we talk about mental health, the more we give each other permission to struggle, to ask for help, and to thrive even when the odds may seem against us.
Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Option 1: Share about a personal mental health struggle on social media to let others know that they are not alone, and to fight the stigma against mental illness.
Option 2: Share a message of hope on social media for those who may be struggling with mental illness.
References
Dazzi, T., Gribble, R., Wessely, S., & Fear, N. T. (2014). Does asking about suicide and related behaviours induce suicidal ideation? What is the evidence? Psychological Medicine, 44(16), 3361–3363. doi: 10.1017/s0033291714001299
Lam, D. C. K., Salkovskis, P. M., & Hogg, L. I. (2015). ‘Judging a book by its cover’: An experimental study of the negative impact of a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder on clinicians’ judgements of uncomplicated panic disorder. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 55(3), 253–268. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjc.12093
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Option 1: Share about a personal mental health struggle on social media to let others know that they are not alone, and to fight the stigma against mental illness.
