Cover Photo by Zen Chung from Pexels
Written by Alyssa Carroll
As the oldest of four children, I am a people-pleaser and have a hard time saying no. I have always struggled with sharing my feelings and my needs. This has resulted in spreading myself thin on many occasions and saying yes to things I do not want to do. Boundaries help us to decide how people can treat us, how people can behave around us, and what others can expect from us (Jacobson, 2015). They help us set rules for navigating all of our relationships (Chesak, 2018).
Boundaries help us strengthen and fortify relationships; it is not about putting up walls to isolate yourself or block other people out. These boundaries are limits that we set to protect ourselves from being manipulated, and they can help us express our individuality and needs.
During the transitionary period of emerging adulthood, we experience identity exploration, instability, feelings of being in-between, increased self-focus, and a world of possibilities (Munsey, 2006). Establishing healthy boundaries as an emerging adult can improve your self-esteem, conserve emotional energy, and results in more independence and agency (Chesak, 2018).
It is important to remember that boundaries are not meant to be too rigid; rigid boundaries can lead to more problems. Having clear, flexible boundaries will ensure that your relationships remain balanced and healthy. Flexible boundaries are neither too closed and specific nor too open. Rigid boundaries are too closed and specific (Baldwin, 2019). To help you better understand what flexible and rigid boundaries look like, here is an example of each:
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Flexible boundary: “I like to have some time to myself when I get home from class so I can wind down.”
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Rigid boundary: “I need the whole house to be perfectly clean and quiet when I get home from class or else I am going to be very upset.”
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What can emerging adults set boundaries for? We can set boundaries for our time and energy, our personal space and possessions, our religion, our jobs, and our relationships with others (Chesak, 2018). So, how do you get started with setting some healthy boundaries? Here are five simple ways that you can practice setting healthy boundaries in your 20’s.
#1: Practice Self-Awareness
Being aware of your personality and habits will give you a clear picture of your needs and what boundaries you need to create. Keep in mind that self-awareness is a life-long journey (Tjan, 2015)! It takes a lot of effort to get to know yourself and become aware of your strengths and weaknesses. Self-awareness is the first step to creating the life that you want because it allows you to change your thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs (Scott, n.d.). Your mental state will change as you develop self-awareness and you will become more emotionally intelligent (Psychology Today, n.d.).
We can practice self-awareness by getting feedback from close friends and family members, taking personality or enneagram tests, writing down our priorities and values, asking for feedback at work, and meeting with a psychotherapist. We can also dedicate time to self-reflection. Journaling is a great way to do this (Warley, n.d.)! You can journal daily, weekly, or whenever works for you. Practicing self-awareness will help you establish your needs and identify what types of boundaries you may need to set.
#2: Tune In to Your Feelings
Emotions can often feel complex and confusing. I don’t know about you, but I tend to push my feelings away because that feels easier than putting in the effort to figure them out. We can learn emotional regulation and increase our emotional intelligence if we take the time to sit with our feelings and learn how to identify them. Naming the emotions we experience and determining why we feel the way we do can help us become more self-aware and identify what boundaries we may need to set.
Mindfulness and meditation can help you tune into your feelings. Knowing your feelings will better prepare you to speak your mind and explain your thoughts. This will help you know what limits you need to set for yourself. You will then be able to set clear, upfront boundaries, and feel more confident with the boundaries you are setting.
#3: Be Assertive and Direct
Assertiveness can be scary, especially if you shy away from conflict and confrontation like I do. Being assertive does not mean you are being rude or pushy. Assertiveness is a form of calm communication that is clear and direct (Tyrell, 2019). Being direct can come in handy when setting boundaries because the limits you set will be very clear to those around you. We cannot assume that other people can read our minds and know our boundaries, so we need to clearly state them with assertiveness so they are understood by others. Being more assertive will help you set clear, honest boundaries that others around you will understand and respect.
#4: Learn to Say No
When you are a people pleaser like I am, you may feel like you can never say no. Learning to say no can be hard, but it is part of setting healthy boundaries! This can also help you to respect your own time and space, and others will respect you more too. PsychCentral says that “the ability to say no is closely linked to self-confidence” (Collingwood, 2016). Your self-esteem will increase as you learn to say no and set limits for yourself. You can say no without an explanation. If you do not feel comfortable doing something, you can say no. You do not need to justify your feelings to others. Learning to say no will help you set limits for yourself because you will be in control of your time and you will be respected more by others.
#5: Start Small
Making any type of change or adjustment in your life can be overwhelming. Starting small is a principle that you can apply to many facets of your life, but it is especially needed when it comes to setting boundaries. Your whole life does not need to be regulated by boundaries, and you do not need to make a thousand changes all at once! Start small, start simple. Pick one domain of your life that you need to set boundaries for, and just focus on that for a few weeks or months.
Conclusion
Emerging adulthood is a difficult period in your life. You experience instability, growth, big decisions, and difficulties with navigating the real world and learning how to be an adult (Munsey, 2006). Setting healthy boundaries can help you to survive this transitionary time. Healthy boundaries can increase your self-esteem and emotional intelligence, and help you become more independent and confident in yourself and your needs. It is important to remember to honor the boundaries that other people set.
Boundaries are meant to be flexible, so you can adapt and adjust them as needed throughout the course of your life. You can even break some of your boundaries as you get older or more established in your relationships (Chesak, 2018). Getting older, meeting more people, and creating new relationships may require an adjustment of boundaries.
Start small and pick one domain of your life that you need to set boundaries for. Use the principles in this article to help.
References
Baldwin, J. (2019, June 12). Rigid, diffuse, and flexible: three types of psychological boundaries in the voice studio. Sound + Mind. https://soundandmind.blog/2019/06/12/rigid-diffuse-and-flexible-three-types-of-psychological-boundaries-in-the-voice-studio/
Chesak, J. (2018, December 10). The no BS guide to protecting your emotional space. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/set-boundaries
Collingwood, J. (2016, May 17). Learning to say no. PsychCentral. https://psychcentral.com/lib/learning-to-say-no#1
Jacobson, S. (2015, April 2). 12 signs you lack healthy boundaries (and why you need them). Harley Therapy Counseling. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/healthy-boundaries.htm
Munsey, C. (2006, June). Emerging adults: The in-between age. Monitor on Psychology. http://www.apa.org/monitor/jun06/emerging
Psychology Today. (n.d.) Emotional intelligence. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/emotional-intelligence
Scott, S.J. (n.d.) How to be more self-aware: 8 tips to boost self-awareness. Develop Good Habits. Retrieved on February 13, 2021, from https://www.developgoodhabits.com/what-is-self-awareness/
Tjan, A. (2015, February 11). 5 ways to become more self-aware. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2015/02/5-ways-to-become-more-self-aware
Tyrell, M. (2019, August 1). 5 golden keys to assertiveness and setting boundaries. Hypnosis Downloads. https://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/blog/5-golden-keys-to-assertiveness-and-setting-boundaries
Warley, S. (n.d.) The #1 self-awareness habit. Life skills that matter. https://lifeskillsthatmatter.com/number-one-self-awareness-habit/
