5 Ways to Make Gifts More Meaningful

Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer

Largely based on Dr. Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages

The least common love language is ‘gifts’ (Bland & McQueen, 2018; Bunt & Hazelwood, 2017). Sure, most of us enjoy receiving birthday, Christmas and Valentine’s gifts, but it is not often someone’s primary love language.

Yet for many, gift-giving is the easiest way to show love. It is easy to stop by the mall and pick something up compared to the effort and time commitment required to perform a significant act of service or write a meaningful letter.

Gift giving can also be overwhelming for some. Money may also be an object.

Here are five tips for more meaningful gift giving:

1. Give gifts your partner wants, not gifts you want your partner to have.

This was a skill my parents taught me growing up. It really is just good etiquette. Buying gifts you want your partner to have can be manipulative or selfish. The rule is simple.

2. Expected gifts are most meaningful when they demonstrate some sacrifice.

A gift on Christmas, a birthday, or Valentine’s Day is expected, and so it should carry some significance and require some sacrifice on your part. This does not mean emptying your bank account, and that would surely upset your partner. But a gift that demonstrates sacrifice in some other way – significant thought or effort – is nice. Keep in mind too that this may not just mean the gift. For example, purchasing gifts for your significant other the day before or the day of usually gives off the impression that because you have procrastinated getting the gift, you by extension are procrastinating them. Purchase or make expected gifts early so that you have time to make sure they are meaningful, as well as to avoid that potentially hurtful impression.

3. Small, spontaneous gifts can go a long way.

Not every gift needs to be delivered on a specific occasion. Sometimes the things that mean the most are simple and spontaneous because they demonstrate that our partners are on our minds. And it feels good to know you’re being thought about.

Once, I wrote the things I love about my husband on individual paint sample cards. I hid them all around our house for him to find. There was one in his shoes, one in the corner of the mirror, one taped to the ceiling of the pantry, etc. I went to work that evening, and while I was gone, my husband came home to a card on the front door telling him that I had hidden 68 of these little paint samples for him to find while I was gone. The gift took a lot of time – I spent several days listing my favorite things about my husband in a notebook before writing them down. The writing and hiding took a couple of hours too. But it did not cost any money, and it reflected my favorite things about my husband – just because. He loved it.

4. Gifts are not meant to be a fix-it for conflict.

There is of course the cliche practice of gift-giving after an argument – he comes home with flowers and chocolate, and expects to be freely forgiven. We have seen it in romantic comedies time and time again. But it really does not work in real life. Gifts are usually a band aid fix at best, but they usually fail to address the real issue of the conflict, and so the issue will likely resurface later. If you do use gifts as a way of making up, keep them on the simple side. Let gifts supplement real words and actions in cases of conflict.

5. Gifts can address a partner’s specific physical or emotional needs.

My mother’s dominant love language is words of affirmation, and my father knows this. When holidays come around (especially Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthday and anniversary), my father spends excruciating amounts of time shopping for cards. The cards cannot not be funny, or short, or plain. My dad always purchases those expensive cards so long they are tri-folded. It has to be the perfect card – something that says exactly how he feels about my mom. I remember falling asleep in Target more than once while waiting for my father to pick out a card. Naturally, a card was never the only gift my mother received, but he played to her needs and love language.

Each relationship is unique. Playing to the emotional and physical needs of our partners increases the meaning and significance of the gifts we give them.

If you are one of those who has decided to purchase Valentine’s Day gifts at the last moment, I recommend that you skip the teddy bears. No one has use for those. May I instead suggest that you get creative with the time you have left. Good luck! As always, we would love to answer any questions you may have. Happy Valentine’s Day.

References:

Bland, A. M., & McQueen, K. S. (2018). The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: An exploratory cluster analysis. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 7(2), 103–126. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/cfp0000102

Chapman, G. D. (2010). Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation. In The 5 love languages(pp. 38-52). Chicago: Northfield Pub.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.