Those are perhaps the most ominous words in a relationship.
What happens next? Someone yells, then someone withdraws. Someone doesn’t understand, but has no idea what to say. Two people are clearly on different pages…maybe in different books. Maybe someone walks out. Maybe they just yell at each other until well beyond when they needed to go to bed.
Your tough topics may vary, but they will come. Topics may be parenting, sex, addictions, affairs, mistakes, finances or a million other things. Sometimes it is nothing more than a miscommunication. Check out our video, “Eight Things to Talk About Before You Commit” for more information on several of these topics, especially if you are in early stages of your romantic relationship or contemplating entering into a serious relationship.
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TALKING FAIR
Many of you may have heard of a talking stick. It is also often joked about, even made fun of. It can actually be incredibly effective. If you haven’t, basically the idea is that whoever holds the stick appointed for the purpose gets to talk. Whoever is not holding the stick, may not say anything. The participants take turns.
About a year ago, my husband and I had to make a decision. I wanted to do something, and he did not. We did not understand each other’s point of view, and began to feel frustrated. Realizing that we were not on the same page, and were nowhere near getting there, we sat down and slowed down. It was my idea, so I let him speak first. He said everything on his mind. I did not interrupt or disagree. I only spoke to ask a clarifying question if I did not understand. When he was finished, I reflected back what he was saying to make sure I understood his point of view. Then it was my turn. He responded in the same way – only speaking when he had a clarifying question. We took turns until the whole thing was resolved. I finally understood his concerns, and while I still disagreed, they were valid and I empathized with them. He felt the same way. Our compromise was that we would go through with the decision I wanted to make, but if certain pre-determined things happened, we would put an end to the decision. This increased his comfort level, and required me to be more careful and perceptive with the decision going forward.
This process has not happened just once, and is not practiced only by my husband and I. Many people practice this, including my co-founders. We teach this in various family and relationship education classes. It may feel awkward at first, but if both partners are invested, it works.
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FIGHTING FAIR
Now, of course disagreeing is normal. And in every relationship, people have to bring up tough conversations. Some of these can lead to fights and arguments. So what can you do to a) minimize the likelihood of having an argument, b) decrease the chance of hurting each other, and c) ensure that the two of you will eventually end up with a healthy collaboration?
Here are some “fair fighting” rules (Miga et al., 2012).
Take responsibility for your own feelings. No one can make you feel a certain way. Use “I-Statements”. Here’s a simple formula:
“I feel ________ when you ___________ because ___________.”
By saying “I feel”, you are owning that your emotions are you own. Remember that it is not your partner’s job to make you happy. It is your job to control your happiness – and all of your other emotions. Research shows that happy single people make happy married people, and unhappy single people make unhappy married people (Grover & Helliwell, 2019).
Use language that is accurate and in no way degrading. If you must criticize, do so constructively. Name calling is no more acceptable as an adult than it is as a child. Neither are words like “always” and never”. (e.g. “You NEVER take out the trash”, or “you ALWAYS nag me”). It is not accurate. Words like often, infrequently, or even rarely are more accurate.
No yelling. Keep your volume level appropriate. Very few things can get solved by yelling. Actually, I can’t think of anything I have ever solved by yelling. If you feel like you are going to yell, take a time out.
Get some sleep. The saying, “Never go to bed angry” is generally terrible advice. I’m not the only one telling you that. Research shows it (Hicks & Diamond, 2011). If you are tired, you are less likely to think clearly and logically. Go to bed. If you are still upset about it when you wake up in the morning, resume the conversation. If you are too upset to sleep, meditate, pray to a higher power, color, or do some yoga. A recent study showed that coloring for thirty minutes had relaxation effects similar to meditating.
Take time-outs. It’s okay to say, “Hey, I am frustrated and worried I will say something I’ll regret. I need to take about fifteen minutes to calm down.” When the time you have specifically stated is up, return to the conversation.
Avoid withdrawing. You may not like confrontation, and that’s okay. Resist the urge to withdraw, because while it puts the issue off, it does not resolve things, and eventually the issue will arise again. It is also frustrating to your partner, especially if they are working hard to understand your point of view. It may take practice. If you feel yourself stonewalling you can even say so: “Sweetheart, I feel like withdrawing, and I am going to try not to. Will you help me?” If may help if you ask your partner to ask you specific questions about how you are feeling.
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SOMETIMES WE JUST NEED TO SHUT UP.
That sounds bold, I know. But sometimes it is true. Sometimes we need to speak up too, but when we are emotionally charged, we mostly end up saying inaccurate and hurtful things. Resist the urge to say something just because you are angry. Ask yourself if it actually needs to be said, and whether it will improve or make the situation worse. More than that, sometimes it is important to shut your brain up.
Honestly answer this question for yourself. How many times have you been having a heated conversation, and before the person had even finished talking, you had a well drafted response already figured out? We all have done this at some point. Shut that brain up. Instead of focusing on your next comment, focus on what the other person is actually saying – what are they really trying to communicate? Why does this matter to them? Really listen. You can disagree and still listen, I promise.
Ultimately, it isn’t about winning. Tough topics aren’t about you getting your way, and it is crucial that discussions about these topics are not selfishly driven. It isn’t about winning against the person, or getting your way. It is about finding the best answer for your relationship – solutions that make both of you comfortable. Any time you reach a solution with your partner, you win much more than you would have if you had gotten your way, or “beat” your partner.
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CONFLICT IS IMPORTANT
Use your conflict, do not avoid it. Conflict, when focused on US, not ME, or YOU, can become an environment for making significant change and growth in your relationships. This growth can exist at a personal and at a relational level. It is important, and it is healthy. Sweeping conflict under a rug does nothing. Dealing with conflict in the ways mentioned above creates healthier, happier, more meaningful relationships. Sometimes we have to compromise. One mentor once told me that in her opinion, compromise is a lose-lose perspective. If people focus on collaborating instead of compromising, they are more likely to come to a healthy solution. It is not science, or at least I haven’t found any, but I have tried it, and it has worked for me. If it helps you to think of talking about tough topics as collaborating, go for it.
Lastly, remember that differences are okay. In our last video, we said that it is how you navigate those differences that matters. I echo that again here. Different is okay, but what will you do about it? That is what matters.
References
Grover, S., & Helliwell, J. F. (2019). How’s Life at Home? New Evidence on Marriage and the Set Point for Happiness. Journal of Happiness Studies, 20(2), 373–390. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10902-017-9941-3
HICKS, A. M., & DIAMOND, L. M. (2011). Don’t go to bed angry: Attachment, conflict, and affective and physiological reactivity. Personal Relationships, 18(2), 266–284. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2011.01355.x
Miga, E. M., Gdula, J. A., & Allen, J. P. (2012). Fighting Fair: Adaptive Marital Conflict Strategies as Predictors of Future Adolescent Peer and Romantic Relationship Quality. Social Development, 21(3), 443–460. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1467-9507.2011.00636.x
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
