John Gottman, one of the world’s leading experts on relationships, has studied couples for decades. Thousands of couples have been observed at what he calls his “Love Lab” located in Seattle, WA. Over the years, Dr. Gottman has found patterns within marital relationships that he claims allow him to predict with over 90% accuracy whether or not a marriage will last. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman outlines four warning signs that he calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” – things that are key in helping determine the health of a relationship. If you find yourself and/or your partner frequently falling into any of these habits, it might be time to take a relationship inventory and consider getting some help.
Horseman #1: Criticism
Criticism is the act of attacking your partner’s character – who they are, not just something they’ve done. Criticism alone does not predict divorce or even serious marital problems. In fact, I know I’ve been guilty of this before! When we are frustrated or angry, we can often make the mistake of attacking the person we love rather than identifying the action that has hurt or offended us. Practicing using “I Statements” can help us to get away from this negative pattern of communication that is often a gateway to the other horsemen.
Example: “You are always late! I hate how lazy and inconsiderate you are!”
A Better Option: “I felt really hurt when you were late to pick me up from work today and you didn’t call.”
Horseman #2: Contempt
The goal of contempt is to make someone feel less-than. It is used to place you in a position of moral superiority, and to make your partner feel belittled and invalidated. It is not only limited to the words that you say, but can also include tone of voice, body language, and sarcasm. Most importantly, according to the Gottman Institute, contempt is the the single greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt comes when we hold on to negative thoughts and feelings about our partner. In order to fight these negative thoughts or feelings, practice gratitude in your relationship. Focus on the positive qualities that your partner possesses, and verbally thank them for what they contribute to your relationship.
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Example: “Oh yeah, right, today was hard for you? All you had to do was go to work, and then you got to come home and watch Netflix. I had to take care of the baby all day, and I had two finals! And now I have two more to study for. Consider yourself lucky that all you have to do is make money.”
A Better Option: “I’m sorry today was hard, sweetheart. I hope you know how much I appreciate you taking care of the baby while I study for my finals. It makes my load a little bit easier to handle.”
Horseman #3: Defensiveness
Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. It makes sense that we would get defensive if our partner were to attack our very character! However, it is when a cycle of criticism and defensiveness (leading to contempt) become a habit in a relationship that we find a problem. Practicing criticism and in turn, defensiveness fosters a culture of blame, which can harm any type of relationship. Instead, it is important to practice taking responsibility for your own actions, and striving to help rather than blame each other.
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Example:
Partner 1: “Why didn’t you take out the trash like I asked you?”
Partner 2: “Geez, will you stop nagging? I’m trying to send out this email for work that my boss needs right now! Why didn’t you just take it out when the kids were napping?”
A Better Option:
Partner 2: “Oh I’m sorry, I forgot! I’m trying to send out this email for work that my boss really needs right now. I will take it out as soon as I’m done.”
Horseman #4: Stonewalling
Stonewalling involves the complete withdrawal of one partner; when, rather than deal with the confrontation or conflict, the person chooses to shut down, turn away, or stop responding all together. This is different from taking a step back or a “time out” from an issue in order to cool down and avoid saying something you might regret. Instead, this is complete rejection or refusal to interact. When someone stonewalls in an interaction, generally it’s because there is a pattern of the other horsemen in the relationship. Due to a repeated experiencing of criticism or (most likely) contempt, the person feels emotionally flooded (ie. too upset to think clearly), and would rather withdraw than have to deal with the situation. A healthier alternative to stonewalling would be to take some time to cool off emotionally, and then to return to the issue later. During that time, don’t focus on the argument or ruminate on negative thoughts about your partner. Do something that helps you physically and emotionally calm down, like taking a walk, listening to music, or reading. And don’t forget that the return is key! It is okay (and often wise!) to take a break from a conflict IF you agree to come back and discuss the problem later.
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Example:
Partner 1: “Will you look at me when I’m talking to you? I get really frustrated when you shut down like this!”
A Better Option:
Partner 2: “I’m feeling really upset right now, and I don’t want to say something I regret. Can we take a break for a little bit and talk about this after dinner?”
It’s in YOUR Hands
The best way to avoid falling into the traps of the four horsemen is for both partners to look inward, and decide what YOU can do to improve your relationship. You can’t expect to control or change your partner, especially when you are using criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. What you CAN do, is steadily work towards improving yourself and your contribution to your relationship. Using “I Statements”, practicing gratitude, taking responsibility for your actions, and cooling off when you feel emotionally flooded will help strengthen your relationship, and will keep the apocalypse of divorce far away from your marriage.
References
Beeney, J. E., Hallquist, M. N., Scott, L. N., Ringwald, W. R., Stepp, S. D., Lazarus, S. A., Mattia, A. A., & Pilkonis, P. A. (2019). The emotional bank account and the four horsemen of the apocalypse in romantic relationships of people with borderline personality disorder: A dyadic observational study. Clinical Psychological Science, 7(5), 1063–1077. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/2167702619830647
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
